Feeling lost in your marriage? Is communication REALLY the answer?
Is communication REALLY the key to a lasting marriage? Dr. Joe Beam challenges conventional wisdom, arguing that COMMITMENT is the secret ingredient. This thought-provoking video explores why couples stay together (and why they sometimes don't) and offers practical advice for building a strong, happy marriage that endures. Learn how to handle conflict, navigate challenges, and keep love alive over the long term. If you're looking to strengthen your relationship or feeling lost after a betrayal, this video is a must-watch.
Here's what you'll discover:
Why couples stay together (and why they sometimes don't) - It's not always about feeling loved!
The surprising impact of commitment on weathering life's storms.
Practical strategies for building a strong, happy marriage that endures.
How to handle conflict constructively and navigate even the toughest challenges.
Whether you're looking to:
Strengthen your existing relationship
Rebuild trust after a betrayal
Gain valuable tools for navigating difficult times
Feeling lost in your marriage? Is communication REALLY the answer?
Is communication REALLY the key to a lasting marriage? Dr. Joe Beam challenges conventional wisdom, arguing that COMMITMENT is the secret ingredient. This thought-provoking video explores why couples stay together (and why they sometimes don't) and offers practical advice for building a strong, happy marriage that endures. Learn how to handle conflict, navigate challenges, and keep love alive over the long term. If you're looking to strengthen your relationship or feeling lost after a betrayal, this video is a must-watch.
Here's what you'll discover:
Why couples stay together (and why they sometimes don't) - It's not always about feeling loved!
The surprising impact of commitment on weathering life's storms.
Practical strategies for building a strong, happy marriage that endures.
How to handle conflict constructively and navigate even the toughest challenges.
Whether you're looking to:
Strengthen your existing relationship
Rebuild trust after a betrayal
Gain valuable tools for navigating difficult times
Sometimes, when I'm being interviewed on like a national radio program or a national television program, they'll say isn't it true that communication is the most important thing in a marriage? To which I'll reply no, communication is extremely important. There's no doubt about it. But let me tell you what's even more important than that. It's commitment. You say what do you mean that it's commitment? You say well, what do you mean? Look, if you look at the research about what motivates a person to want to leave a marriage, john Gottman did that in his book called the Marriage Clinic. He did a study of other studies at the beginning of what we'd call a literature review, and he studied all kinds of research about what would motivate a person to want to leave a marriage, to get a divorce. And he sums it up in his book, the Marriage Clinic, and says that the three basic reasons that motivate people to want out of a marriage is I do not feel that you love me, I do not feel that you like me or I don't feel that you respect me. It can be one, two or all three of those things. If I feel that strongly enough, I'll want to leave the marriage. But if you think about it on any given day, any of us may feel all three of those things, because the person we're married to is imperfect. We have a saying in the marriage industry that whoever you marry, you marry a set of problems, and whoever marries you marries a set of problems. We are all flawed. Everybody on the planet is screwed up. You have to understand that, and so there will be times when one of us if not both of us in a marriage will act like a jerk. Well, does that mean the marriage should just go ahead and end? Let's go ahead and divorce, because today I don't feel loved. Today I don't feel like today, I don't feel that you respect me. Therefore, let's get out of this. Well, you could do that if you want, and maybe, just maybe. That's what's happening a lot in America because the divorce rate. There are still a ton of people in America who divorce. Now you can argue about what the divorce rate actually is, because it's figured different ways by different people. What the divorce rate actually is, because it's figured different ways by different people. If you look at how the Census Bureau measures it, it's still about 45 to 50 percent of first marriages end in a divorce. Second marriage is about 67 percent two out of three. And third marriage is 75 percent three out of four. Now, does that mean that all marriages have to at some point wind up divorced? Of course not.
Speaker 1:
But you see, in the world I grew up in, you understand, I'm at least 149 years old. In the world I grew up, people didn't swap out for new things. They fixed what they already had. And so if your washing machine broke down, you didn't run over to Sears and get a brand new one unless it had broken down to the point where it was totally irreparable. Instead, what you did was you got the little booklet that came with it and you took that dryer apart and you figured out how to put a new belt on the drum and how to hook it in there, just right, and put it back together. And then you ran that thing for another five or 10 years. I know that for a fact. I can't tell you how many different belts I put on my mother's dryer in her house for over years and years and years until finally she left this planet. And so that's the generation that said we fix it.
Speaker 1:
And one of the keys to that is that I am committed to that. I'm committed to fixing things. I'm committed to that particular person, I'm committed to that particular cause. And when you are committed, you're not flighty, you're not just zooming from this thought to that thought to the other thought over there, you really are staying with one thing. Now you say, well, wouldn't it be true that sometimes an idea that you were committed to you might discover was a bad idea? Sure, and would you still stay committed to it if you felt it was a bad idea? I would not stay committed to the parts of it that were bad, but if parts of it were still good, yes, I'd still stay committed to that, I would.
Speaker 1:
I've traveled a little bit around the world. You probably have traveled a lot more around the world than have I. I have on occasion seen parts of the world where people do things where I thought I wish we in America did it that way. That seems to be a better way to me. I've seen many things in the world where I thought, no, I prefer what we do in America to that. I'm an American who loves this country, who's totally committed to the United States of America. Am I happy with everything happening in the country? No, no, there are things going on now that I do not commit myself to, I will not believe in, I will not try to be part of, but because I'm committed to the United States of America, I'd sure like to see us fix it.
Speaker 1:
Well, that same principle works in marriage. You see, if you're going to get a marriage to last a lifetime, which it definitely can, there are going to be times when it just sucks because you're imperfect and your spouse is imperfect. Sometimes we just don't get along with each other and on any given day, anybody has the ability to be a jerk or a jerk yet. So do we just leave? Please don't. If you begin to look at all the studies, okay, let's just look at one area. For example, if you look at the scholarly research that's been done around the world and not just by religious organizations, not just by churches and church people, that kind of stuff, but by secular scientists, social scientists around the world and look at the research about how divorce affects children, you'll find literally hundreds of scholarly articles of true research that will demonstrate what negatives can occur, and often do occur, with a child if his or her parents divorce. It makes a difference as to what age the child is when it happens. It can make a difference as to what gender the child is. It can even make a difference based on how the parents get along with each other afterwards.
Speaker 1:
But these people who say, don't stay married for the kids, just take care of yourself, make yourself happy are people who are not responsible people. There are people who are like it's all for me right now, what I want, the way I want to do it, I just need to make me happy. And who cares about anybody else? People who are responsible people, people of integrity, are people who will say there are people who depend on me, there are people that I influence, there are people that I touch in various ways, and my actions are never in a vacuum. My actions always affect people around me, people that I care about, people that I don't even know. My actions affect them. Now, if I'm committed to being a good dad and father and husband, if I'm committed to being a good dad and father and husband, if I'm committed to have a good, strong family, then commitment becomes the key to holding it all together.
Speaker 1:
A study that started back in 1975 by Dr Nick Steneh and Dr John Dufresne. Nick and John decided to do a study about what are the characteristics of a strong family and they did this research in various parts of the world, some of it in Russia, fiji Islands, here in America. I mean it was a cross-cultural study. I don't know what the current count is. About 10 years ago I was told that about 50, f-i-f-t-y, 50 doctoral dissertations and master's thesis have been written on that study so far. So it's been well-researched by a lot of people around the world and by now who knows how many doctoral dissertations and master's thesis.
Speaker 1:
And when they found the six characteristics of a strong family, they found that to the degree any of these six is missing, the family is proportionately weaker. Now I'm not going to go through all six of those because this video is not about that, but I'm going to tell you the one at the top Commitment. When I first asked Nick about that years ago, I said, nick, out of the six, which one is most important? He said, joe, we didn't research it that way, we don't have a way to identify that. And I said I hear what you're saying. I'm not a researcher, I'm a teacher. Well, which one of those is most important? He said well, I guess it would have to be commitment, because if that is there, all the rest of those things can happen. If that is not there, the other things can't happen.
Speaker 1:
By the way, if you want to get a copy of that study, you can go online and buy the book. It's called Fantastic Families. It has a great workbook that goes with it. The workbook is based on some study done at Florida State University and it tells you how to do things to make your family stronger. You can get it on Amazon.
Speaker 1:
Fantastic Families and the Fantastic Families Workbook, dr Nick Sine, oh, and you'll see my name on there as well. I rewrote it for him a few years ago and I'm telling you that when you look at that, you say, then what leads to a marriage lasting a lifetime Commitment? But what if the other person messes up? They will, so will you? Now people will sometimes say, dr Beam, I don't know if I should try to save this marriage or not, to which I reply well, do you think this is a good person doing a bad thing or a bad person doing a bad thing? Because if it's a bad person doing a bad thing, I don't know how you're going to change them. But if it's a good person doing a bad thing, then that person may well just be worth rescuing.
Speaker 1:
If you can be committed to be there with him or her, for him or for her, and help them work through their struggle just like we hope that at some point, if you ever struggle, they'll be there for you to support you then you can last a lifetime, but not in perfection. You can last a lifetime because of the fact that you will, at least most of the time, by being committed to each other. You'll do the things that will demonstrate love. You'll do the things that will demonstrate I like you, and you'll do the things that demonstrate respect, because all three of those things have to be there. Not that you feel love for the other person, but they feel you love them. Not that you feel respect for the other person, but that they feel you respect them. You understand how that works and then put that together, do it for a lifetime and you can handle just about every problem that comes along.
Speaker 1:
So if you go back, for example, and look in Nick's book Fantastic Families and start looking at some of those other characteristics other than commitment, one is the ability to handle stress and crisis. If a family doesn't have the ability to handle stress and crisis, it's going to fall apart. If a marriage, if both husband and wife don't have the ability to handle stress, it's going to fall apart, because things sometimes happen badly. Well, why would they figure out how to handle these stressful situations? Well, their commitment. It's like I'm not happy right now, but I'm not walking out the door. I'm not happy right now. As a matter of fact, both of us need to make some changes. We will figure out how to handle this. We'll figure out how to get through it.
Speaker 1:
There was an interesting study I read a few years ago that said that if a couple a married couple can get past a major crisis, now a major crisis might be an extramarital affair. It may be that one of them had an addiction like alcohol or gambling. There are any number of things that could be a major crisis, might be an extramarital affair. It may be that one of them had an addiction like alcohol or gambling. There are any number of things that could be a major crisis. But if a couple makes it through a major crisis and they're still together five years later, they'll have a marriage that probably, in all likelihood, will last a lifetime. Why? Because they've learned how to love each other more. They've learned how to love themselves properly more. They've learned a whole lot more about how to respect themselves and respect each other just by working through stress and problems, stress and crises, and by doing that, become more committed to each other.
Speaker 1:
As a matter of fact, sometimes people will ask my wife, alice, why did you remarry Joe after he left you all those years ago and went off to be with another woman? Because by the time I came to my senses, we've been divorced three years, and so when I called Alice and asked her if she would take me back, she was already dating another guy and apparently it was going really well, and so people have asked her they do it in our workshops all the time why, since you already had another relationship going and he was apparently a good guy and so forth, why did you go back to Joe? And one of the things that she will say in answering that is where, with Joe, I knew where the minefields were. She said what I mean by that is this Nobody's perfect. Everybody on the planet has baggage. I knew Joe's baggage. We've been together 15 years. I knew what his baggage was. I knew where his strengths, his weaknesses, his idiosyncrasies. He knew my strengths, my weaknesses, my idiosyncrasies, and I truly believed that inside, the good Joe was still there, and it was the good Joe that wanted me to come back, not the Joe that had been doing the things he'd done for the last three years. And so I came back because I was committed to making the marriage work for myself, for Joe and for my children, but also believing that we can make it for the rest of our lives together. I took the choice where I knew where everything was, with my husband, rather than this you guy where I'd be discovering baggage down the line and who knows what that would have been. So are you understanding how commitment fits into this? Then you say but commitment, how often is it made? Well, in one sense, it's renewed every day. In one sense, because on any given day, you may wake up and think I'm done, I don't want to be here, I don't want to put up with this, and you have to make another decision that day. Right then, nope, nope. This is worth fixing, it's worth staying with, it's worth working things out, we'll make it better. So, if you want a good marriage, learn how to keep your word.
Speaker 1:
We are unfortunately living in a culture where a person's word doesn't mean much To the point where often with athletes like well, let's say, college football coaches that there are buyouts on their contract, which means that you signed a contract, you'd be here for X number of years, we're going to put in a penalty that you have to pay if you don't fulfill your word. If you're not going to live with us or stay with us and be our coach for those number of years we're going to pay. If you don't fulfill your word, if you're not going to live with us or stay with us and be our coach for those number of years, we're going to penalize you, because what they expect is coaches aren't going to keep their word. Some will, some won't, and in our society, people tell us things all the time hey, I'll be there at three, never, ever fear, I'll be there for you, and they don't show up at all. Or they promise you this, or they Ever fear I'll be there for you and they don't show up at all. Or they promise you this or this, they're going to do that, and they just don't do it.
Speaker 1:
We're not living in a culture where people live up to commitment. First of all, they will give their commitment and then, secondly, we'll make that commitment happen Even on the bad days. So is communication important? Yes, respect Mm-hmm, like Mm-hmm Loved Mm-hmm, but the key to the long-lasting relationships Commitment. So one last point what about your children? I think your children may be young still, but by the grace of God they'll grow up. They'll have to go through those teenage years that's kind of interesting and then become adults and somewhere in some of those years maybe adolescence, maybe in adulthood, et cetera your kids, your own children, will do things that are not good. They may wind up in jail for a while, for example. They might wind up in bankruptcy. They may wind up pregnant out of wedlock, they might wind up with all kinds of things. If we are going to be the right kind of parents, it means we're committed to those kids.
Speaker 1:
You say then you'd be committed to your daughter even if she went to prison. Yes, I would. But what if she really did the crime? Would you be happy? She did it? Absolutely not. But I'd still be committed to her. I will love you, I will be there for you the rest of your life, you say.
Speaker 1:
But so if your daughter got pregnant out of wedlock? Same thing, not happy that happened. It's against the beliefs and values I hold, but I'm committed to you. I'll be here for you the rest of your life. I'm going to love you, I'm going to like you, I'm going to treat you with respect as long as I live, because I think you're going to long outlive me. So commitment becomes the key to every relationship. Weird message in a time like ours where people leave, leave, leave. Leave all the time. Commit yourself to your marriage. That's what will make it last. And on the bad days, work it out. And if you need help, let us help you work it out. Contact us at marriagehelpercom and you can talk to one of our intake specialists who can listen to whatever problem you're having, and he or she will not be a coach, not a counselor, not a therapist, but they can tell you what we can do to help.
