Marriage Helper Reveals How to Guide Your Spouse Back to You

Feeling Like Strangers in Your Own Marriage? Regain Connection with Marriage Helper 

Is the love you once shared with your spouse fading? Do you feel like you're drifting further apart with each passing day? You're not alone. Countless couples struggle with the challenges of everyday life, leaving them feeling disconnected and hopeless.

But there's good news. Here at Marriage Helper, we specialize in helping couples just like you reconnect, rebuild trust, and reignite the love that brought you together. We understand the pain of a loveless marriage, and we're here to offer practical guidance and empathetic support.

In this episode, Cody and Nathan will unveil:

• Simple yet powerful communication tools to break down walls and truly connect with your spouse.
• Actionable strategies to gently motivate your partner towards working together on your relationship.
• Proven techniques to rebuild intimacy and rekindle the spark you thought was lost.

Don't let your happy marriage become a distant memory. Let Marriage Helper be your guide on a journey back to each other. Together, we can help you rediscover the love and help save your marriage.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

On today's episode of Relationship Radio, we're going to be showing you a webinar that we held at the beginning of this month from our sales team manager, cody, and one of our intake specialists, nathan. The topic of this webinar was how to get your spouse to work on the marriage. So find you a pen, a pencil, anything to write with and a piece of paper, because you're going to want to take notes. There's a ton of good information that's covered in this webinar and we really thought that you should see it. If you want to talk to somebody on our team about the solo spouse workshop or our couples workshop, then click the link right here or you can go to marriagehelpercom slash book. Now, without further ado, let's jump into today's episode of Relationship Radio.

Speaker 2: 0:38

We really are glad you're here. We're sorry that you have to be, but we are very pleased that you would trust us with your time in chatting with us here, and what we want to do is we want to talk about and Cody and I we work together. We come from very different perspectives, very different methodologies, but it's really fun because our purpose for today is to walk away with some tools for you to be able to work on your marriage. Today we want to be able to hear what your goals are as you go through. So, in the chat, as we're going, if you want, we would love to hear you know my goal is, or just goal colon. Tell us what it is. We want to know what you want to accomplish. We have especially those of you who speak with me on the phone. There are a lot of us who spend time on the phone with you all and we meet you where you're at and we try to work with you as part of our workshops team to be able to guide you into the right program.

Speaker 2: 1:36

Part of what I do and part of what we all do is, first of all, to hear what your goals are so that we can make sure that we help you reach those, hear what your goals are, so that we can make sure that we help you reach those. And oftentimes what we'll do is or at least what I do is part of what I do is making sure that what you do is in alignment with what you want, and it can be really tough. I mean, look, we get it. It's a spot that feels you know you're in, a spot that feels really lonely. I was talking with a gentleman earlier today that that's what he said. He just feels alone and he was blaming himself for a lot of things. So we want to be able to help you feel maybe not so alone. I think Phil said there was something like a little over 600 or 700 people that were registered for this webinar. So instantly, those of you out there I saw someone that said that feels hopeless, it seems.

Speaker 2: 2:26

Realize you're not alone from the jump, before we even talk about what to do or how to approach this I'm seeing a lot of really good stuff in the chat, by the way as we approach this. Realize that you're not alone. So what we want to do is we want to be able, from our very unique perspectives, our different viewpoints and way of looking at things, wanted to be able to talk about giving you some tools and how to be able to address the need of the workshop. You know your need to go to a workshop or your part in going through a program with your spouse. We also want to answer any questions that you may have, as much as we can, about objections that get in the way and then just see what's see, what the the track ahead is for you along that way. Hopefully that makes sense. Cody, what can you add to that?

Speaker 3: 3:14

Yeah, no, well said Honestly, like, like you said, we're we have different kind of approaches, different personalities. Nathan and I have kind of that frenemy thing going on where the way we we show love to one another is by jabbing at each other sarcastically. So if you see any of that in this, it's all love, it's all coming from a good place. But yeah, we know it's interesting to bring our different kind of perspectives to the situation. We both had certainly different experiences in our marriage, certainly different experiences with Marriage Helper personally before we started working in this mission. So there's a lot of interesting perspective there, I think. But the common denominator is that you and I both talk to hundreds of people in every situation you can think of every week and month, every day, and we do our absolute best to try to help them. That's what brings us together and really brings everyone at Marriage Helper together, right, and so this is just more of that.

Speaker 3: 4:12

We understand, looking at the chat, there is such a diversity of situations. I think there's 500 or 600 people registered for this webinar. You can only imagine how many different situations and scenarios are present here today. But I also bet that there's a lot of you who have a lot of common ground too, and I want that to give you guys hope. You know, whatever you're experiencing, whatever you're feeling, you're not alone in it.

Speaker 3: 4:35

Your problems quote unquote your situation are not just unique to you, right? These things occur across backgrounds, ages, you name it, the problems that occur in marriages and the struggles that we see. Although every situation is unique in itself, there are also true fundamental principles that will cover all of your situations, that can help all of you, no matter where you're at today, and so that's really our hope is that you walk away with some of those understandings that, no matter where you're at today, there are things that you can learn and start to initiate in your life that will help you. You know and I think I had a question for you, nathan, as far as kind of kicking this conversation off as far as kind of kicking this conversation off and that is what was your first impression when Phil told us the topic of this webinar how to get your spouse to work on the marriage.

Speaker 3: 5:32

What was the first thing that came to your mind? I know I have thoughts, but I'd like to hear you.

Speaker 2: 5:36

Oh boy, you know there's so many. You know, for me there's first of all and this is for all of you, I guess realize there is no cookie cutter way to do this. We're going to give you some general principles and understand that your life is your life and I've never lived your story and you've never lived anyone else's story. But there's some general wisdom that I think that we can give you throughout this to be able to help you along the way. Because, look, let's be honest, when you got married, your spouse did not come with an owner's manual. You don't know what to do in case of limerence or in case of gambling problem or in case of whatever break glass. That's not how life works. So there's some general wisdom that we're going to be able to give you that you'll be able then to get with your intake specialist or someone on our team to be able to help apply that in a very applicable way in your situation.

Speaker 2: 6:35

I mean, I'm looking through the goals here, cody, that people have typed and there's so many different situations, but at the same time, I'm looking at a lot of these and there are some so many common threats. So, if you're looking at, mine is to break through 16 months of stonewalling, heal wounds, restore friendship to be a safe place for my wife. But honestly, it's always been. I've always been extremely inhibited to reconcile separated divorce filed but not pushed forward, so hanging in limbo. In other words, have a better relationship with our kids, whether or not we reconcile, be together for life. See, there's so many of these situations that people are in that I think we're going to be able to give some general wisdom.

Speaker 2: 7:23

But my initial thought on this topic is that it's hard. This is a topic that is difficult and it's scary and there are a lot of reasons why you might not. Let's just be honest. But I think that we're going to try as best we can to address those objections. And maybe Cody's really good at casting vision and I'm good at more just strangling alligators. But between the two of us, hopefully, we'll be able to give you some things that will help you to get past that, that moment of trepidation when you think about bridging that gap and trying to address these bigger goals. Cody, what about you? About?

Speaker 3: 8:05

bridging that gap and trying to address these bigger goals. Cody, what about you? Yeah, my first impression when Phil said you know we want to talk about how to get your spouse to work on the marriage, the first thing that came to my head was that's a trick question, you know, because so much of what we teach at Marriage Helper is about control, right, understanding what truly is within your control and what is not, and being able to know the difference between those two things and not live in a way where you're trying to control the uncontrollables, because that is a recipe for disaster, and I'm willing to bet that a lot of people are here in large part because they haven't learned exactly what that looks like for them yet. What can I actually control in my life and what can I not? And how do I actually turn my focus on what I can control so that I am optimizing the outcomes of my life, optimizing the outcomes of my marriage, and not driving myself insane and making things worse by trying to control the things I can't?

Speaker 3: 9:08

And so when I hear the words how do I get my spouse to work on the marriage, the answer honestly is you can't right, that is not within your control.

Speaker 3: 9:20

You cannot get or make your spouse do or not do anything that he or she is not willing to do under their own free will. It's that simple. Now the better question here would be how can I influence my spouse? What can I do within my control to influence my situation, influence my spouse to hopefully want to re-engage, to want to work with me, to make that choice on their own right, because we can make choices and our actions can make things better and increase the odds that our spouse wants to work with us, or they can make them worse and decrease the odds that they want to work with us. But I think it's just important on a fundamental level that we all accept the fact that we can't control our spouse's choices. But we can control the choices that we make every single day to either increase or decrease the likelihood that they want to engage with us in the marriage. Does that make sense?

Speaker 2: 10:27

Yeah, and the anxiety is real. I talk with a lot of people that you know you've, and you can see it in some of the chat, and it's real, um, that you feel like if there's just some certain combination that you can learn how to push, then everything, then you're in control of everything. And the fact of the matter is then you're in control of everything. And the fact of the matter is you're in control of yourself and you're in control of your behaviors. But you have to also remove the burden of the world from your shoulders and realize that you can do. What you can do and that's what we want to be able to do is to help you to accomplish getting through those things that are stopping you from doing the best thing that you can do, understanding that, ultimately, your partner is a sovereign individual. Now, look, we've been doing this for 30 years, so it's no secret that we kind of know what we're doing here. But at the end of the day, you can go ahead and remove the burden of the weight of the world from your shoulders and just focus on what you can control and let that anxiety start to subside.

Speaker 2: 11:32

Cody, what are and you guys can put this in the chat as well. I want to hear standing for your marriage, and I see a lot of people that are choosing to do that in here. What are some of the things? What are some of the obstacles in your path? I want to talk about some of the obstacles, cody, maybe perhaps some of the obstacles that you face with some of your clients when it comes to having this conversation. What's slowing them down? What's stopping them from making this happen? What's getting in the way?

Speaker 3: 12:06

Yeah, I think first thing comes to mind is fear. Right, the idea of going to a spouse Many of your situations, I'm sure, are some version of this where your spouse wants space, your spouse is disengaged, he or she is telling you I don't want to work on the relationship, I don't want to engage with you or talk to you about these things. Leave me alone. In so many words, right? And so when that's the message that you're getting time and time again, the idea of then approaching that person who's in that state of mind and saying, hey, how about, instead of space and not focusing on the marriage, let's spend three days together and really focus on marriage principles, right, that sounds like a very different way to take it. And so that idea of extending that invitation or making that approach, having that conversation it's very anxiety inducing for a lot of people.

Speaker 3: 13:07

It brings up a lot of fear. You're probably already walking on eggshells day to day, you know, trying not to step on a landmine at any given point. And so there's just a lot of fear like, well, what if I do this? And then it blows up in my face, what if I do this and it leads to a bigger fight? What if I do this and that's it, that's the last straw, whatever it might be. So I think there's just a ton of fear around engaging with your spouse, asking to work on things, asking to do something like a marriage helper workshop. The fear of the unknown, the fear of the reaction. I would say that's probably one of the biggest ones I see. Would you agree?

Speaker 2: 13:47

Excuse me. Yeah, I was trying to breathe and the atmosphere went in with it. I would agree for sure there. I also. I see in the chat here and I hear a lot on the phone how many of you out there are just tired, just tired of the fighting, just tired of one more.

Speaker 2: 14:05

Yes, yes, yes, yes yes, yes, yes, yeah I bet a lot of you are and I hear that all the time. And exhaustion leads to cynicism, and cynicism leads to complete and total negative headspace, and cynicism leads to complete and total negative headspace. So when you get into that spot where you're so tired that you just don't want to do anything else not that you don't want to, but that you don't see any way out it's almost like you've got to start a fire from wet wood. You've actually got to build this up on your own. So that's why, once again, a community matters, because, as we talk to people every day, for those of you that are in our membership, if you're not in the community, that's part of our workshop program you're going to realize that there are a lot of people tired and what leads to more exhaustion is isolation. So I hear a lot of tired people. I hear a lot of people that the isolation of feeling like that they are totally alone I tell people on the phone all the time those of you who I've talked to you've probably all heard this. Nobody wears a t-shirt around town that says help me, my marriage sucks. It's a lonely place to be.

Speaker 2: 15:20

And, yeah, and that loneliness leads to isolation, and that leads to skepticism, and that leads to cynicism and that leads to staying, hey, exactly where you are. So that's why we want, what we're going to do here, a little throughout the rest of this conversation, as we go through, we want to be able to leave you with some reminders and then some tips on how to be able to have this conversation and what to do. How to, how to weather the storm, how to how to act and react and, you know, adapt and improvise throughout the process, as, as you're going through this because, look it, let's be honest, it might not work out the way that you want. It just might not. And at no point have we said, hey, if you do these five simple things that Cody and I are telling you to do, we guarantee you that your partner is going to be perfect. That's not how it works.

Speaker 3: 16:10

I mean, you guys are going to get super annoyed by me saying this time and time again, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it to be true, to know it to be true, to see the fruit of it every single day, and that is you have to control the controllables. You know you're going to be able to influence your spouse, your disengaged spouse, one way or another, better or worse, based on the choices and in the decisions you make. It's also not in your control around the timeline, right, and so you don't get to choose when, if or when your spouse decides to truly engage with you. Again, I wish you could right, but you can't. That's not how life works. So you just have to ask yourself, through every decision that I'm making, looking at it through the lens of is this helping my cause or is this hurting my cause? And that might be interactions around the kids. That might be the one text message a day that you have. That might be the conversation that you have in passing. You know what doesn't matter what it is.

Speaker 3: 17:15

Whatever level of interaction or contact you have, each one of those is an opportunity to increase that influence right, to pull your spouse back towards you, even if it's small, micro changes and shifts over time, and those things add up and our community and our team are full of stories of that process coming to fruition and taking bringing down the walls of the reluctant spouse over time until they do get to such a point where they feel safe enough to say, okay, I'll give you something more right, maybe I will engage with you. And so that's why you know I've seen a lot of talk about push and pull. That's absolutely what we're talking about here. We're talking about smart contact, another principle and toolkit that we have for people to learn. You know, how do you talk and engage with a spouse who isn't talking or engaging with you in such a way that's not going to push them away further?

Speaker 3: 18:11

And so that's the answer in a nutshell is you just have to focus on pulling them towards you, making every interaction, no matter how small it is or how infrequent it is, as positive as possible and in the meanwhile, in every space in between, controlling what you can control to just become the best version of who you are. What are you doing? This is the idea of pies that we always talk about at Marriage Helper. What are you doing to become the most physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually healthy and strong and self-sufficient version of yourself, so that you just keep improving. You just keep moving on a healthier, better path, no matter what's going on in your marriage and your spouse will see that over time, one way or the other, and the hope is that that is enough over time to pull them towards you. What would you say, nathan?

Speaker 2: 19:07

I would agree. I would absolutely agree with that controlling the controllables. And I would also say there was a separate question in the chat that applies conversation about fixed mindset versus growth mindset and her question was how do I get my husband from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset? Back to our first point.

Speaker 2: 19:30

The only thing that you can do is put yourself in a growth mindset to demonstrate what it looks like and do the absolute best that you can do, because, look, if two people are miserable and one person stops being miserable, the other person, generally, generally, is going to wonder what not being miserable looks like.

Speaker 2: 19:53

So it's growth by osmosis almost. You want to be able to put yourself in the best possible position that you can be to demonstrate what it looks like to have life with a purpose. Yes, to have peace. Yes, absolutely, you've got to radiate that which you want to attract and if you do that then, number one, you're going to be in a better place and, number two, you have a much better chance of reaching those goals, understanding that we can't guarantee it, but you have a much better chance. Misery attracts misery and momentum attracts momentum. And even if you're already married, attraction is always going to be a thing. So, yeah, at least that's the part that I would add to that I saw I forget who it was in the chat that posted that, but I think that was such a really good point about fixed versus growth mindset.

Speaker 3: 20:47

Yeah, you know, I think I'm going to share a little bit about my own story with my wife, malia, because I think it really does demonstrate what we're talking about. So we weren't married, but we had been dating for a long time. I've been married for 10 years now together, 15 with my wife. Many of you might know Malia. She did a webinar back in October which maybe we can link to, because it was amazing about the do's and don'ts of actually asking your spouse to the marriage helper workshop. But that's aside the point. When we were dating, I got to the point where I was the reluctant one, I was the one who shut down. I had become incredibly disengaged from the relationship. I had hit a place of real burnout emotionally with her, with the relationship, and we don't have enough time to go into all the reasons why. But the point is is my posture was probably very similar to that of a lot of your spouses right now Not engaging, not wanting to work on things, give me space, leave me alone and because of that, our relationship ended. Now, of course, we weren't married, so it's different, but the principles are the same. Now here we are, 10 years later. We're obviously married, so something changed right.

Speaker 3: 22:01

Well, I had this revelation on a phone call with a client recently because the dynamics that he was describing between he and his wife. He was so preoccupied around his wife he was like I need her to love me, I need her to love me If I'm not going to be okay until I have my marriage back right, until I have everything that I want from her, or you know what he thinks he needs from her. And and that behavior, that posture, was smothering her and she couldn't handle it because it was an unfair burden. It's an unfair burden to put your emotional and mental wellbeing on the shoulders of another human being. They will always let you down and it will crush them. And so if you're doing that to your spouse, that could be a large part of the issue that you have right now. And so that was my dynamic with my wife. We were not in a secure place and she was really needing me emotionally and mentally and it became too much for me to bear. To be responsible for someone else's being okay was just too much for me. And so we ended things. And he said to me this guy said well, what changed? Because obviously you know you guys got back together. What changed? How did? He wanted to know from his wife's perspective what he could do, and it dawned on me that all these years later, I realized that my wife and I, without knowing marriage helper principles, actually employed marriage helper principles, and that's what changed everything for us. So what happened was we both took a season of just deep inner focus on ourselves.

Speaker 3: 23:52

And what I observed from a distance no contact, mind you from a distance, I observed my wife Malia change who she was fundamentally. I watched her engage with friends in a new way. I watched her going to church and engaging in that spiritual community. I watched her grow in her health and wellness journey. She was working more and doing different things, and what she was demonstrating to me was that she was okay. She was actually okay without me and she was strong and she was becoming a self-sufficient person who actually didn't need me anymore to be okay, to be healthy.

Speaker 3: 24:34

And what I saw was in her she was becoming the partner that I wanted. Right, she wasn't becoming someone that just needed me and it was just going to be all giving, giving, giving and pouring out. It was like, no, this is someone who I actually could be a partner with in life who, when I'm struggling, I could lean on that version of Malia. You know what I mean. And so really, what she did was by working on herself and becoming just the best possible version of herself, which I realized in hindsight. She worked on her pies. She worked on herself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually, and that became so attractive to me. She showed me that she was a person that I wanted to be with and marry and be with the rest of my life as a partner that I was like I want to get better, I want to engage with this relationship again, and so then I started doing the work and my walls came down and the rest is history, and so I think the operative word is belief.

Speaker 3: 25:32

I think what she did for me was she built up my belief in her. She built my belief in what was possible for our relationship. You know that this is a person who I could have a beautiful, life-giving marriage with partnership with, and so that's basically the marriage helper principles. In a nutshell is like becoming the best version of yourself. Is it going to guarantee the outcome that you want in your marriage? No, right Back to the things you can control, but in doing so you are only helping your cause. You're not hurting your cause by making yourself better. You're only going to help it. You're only going to increase the chances of your spouse seeing those things and building their belief in you and the possibility of reconciliation and the possibility that this is a marriage that I do want to fight for as well. Let me know if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 26:28

Yeah, and I saw a comment in the chat which was it's one that we hear a lot People. If you've ever been on the phone with me and you've heard me say I'm going to shoot straight with you for a minute, then you know. But I saw a comment in the chat that was also referring to you know what, if we don't have time? You know we've got young kids, we've got this going on and that going on. Remember, we're not asking you, we're not saying that you have to fundamentally change everything about yourself. Today is Wednesday in the United States. We don't have to say, by Thursday, everything needs to be completely different. Pick one thing. In my case, one example of something that I did was I started taking mornings, getting up about 45 minutes earlier, and I spent time at the kitchen table in the quiet, with a cup of coffee, writing, just being able to start working through my own thoughts, through my own feelings, sometimes just writing down whatever's on my mind for the day. That's just one little thing. So I will say, yes, trust me, I've got two of them. Cody's got a brand spanking new young one. So we know what it's like to have distractions. We know what it's like to have all these things, but at the same time, we also have the ability to make choices, even if they're small.

Speaker 2: 27:41

Find that one small victory, just one small victory in your life that makes a significant change in your situation and it's going to matter. Just one small victory. You do not have to eat the elephant. It's just one small victory that you need to claim and that will get you along the way. The baby steps will start rolling for you, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 28:17

All humanly possible and we know that it's not always humanly possible, okay, but in every case where it's possible, it's to have a real, reasonable conversation with your partner, remembering that and you can reiterate those things. You know we've got an entire. You know we always talk about how. You know we're not therapy. We're not going to bash. You know we're not going to. You know so your partner is going to be on the defensive.

Speaker 2: 28:34

Oftentimes, many of it sounds like they are already. You know we're not bashing. You know we're going to always bring things For those of you who are new in the chat to what we do, everything that we do is based on valid, peer-reviewed research and we want to make the complex things simple, so we're going to make things very practical. But that's where we're wanting to come from in that realistic, reasonable conversation with your partner, and I think we've got some tips that we can share on how to prepare for that Cody. If you want to start with that conversation, I think that we can get there. I want to give these good people some tips on things to aim for.

Speaker 3: 29:15

You mean just actually approaching your spouse and saying hey, will you work with me or maybe go to this workshop?

Speaker 2: 29:22

Yeah, what do we need to be thinking about ahead of that conversation? Yeah, so we've got a lot of people here like I don't know what to do. Let's talk about what to do.

Speaker 3: 29:31

Yeah, I mean, if we're talking specifically around the conversation of approaching a reluctant spouse and saying, would you do this program with me? You know that anxiety inducing conversation we were talking about earlier. I think the A number one is meet them where they're at Right. So don't expect things from them that they're not able to give at that time. Meet them where they're at emotionally. Meet them where they're at able to give at that time. Meet them where they're at emotionally. Meet them where they're at in every sense of the word, and understand that their motivations are not your motivations right now and they're not going to be. They're just not. And it's unfair to expect that they're going to see the path that you see and they're going to have the same desires in their heart that you have for the marriage. You wouldn't be in this position if that weren't the case right. So they have a different set of motivations. They have different things that are pushing them forward in their decisions related to the relationship right now. So you need to figure out what are those things and where can we find common ground between us to say look, I know we have different postures towards the marriage right now. You know where my heart's at. I want to reconcile. I think we can get through this. I think we can repair X, y and Z, but I know that you don't right. I respect where you are at and I'm not trying to change your mind about that. I'm not trying to have an argument about that because I know I can't change your mind about that. Right, it's a futile enterprise.

Speaker 3: 31:06

So what you need to do is say despite all that, I still think that there are reasons why this would be mutually beneficial for us. You know, we need to find peace between us. We need to figure out how to communicate better. Maybe it's for kids, you know, for co-parenting or or other reasons. You know, no matter what, we need healing.

Speaker 3: 31:30

Don't you want to? Don't you want to be healed? Don't you? Don't you want to feel better? You know, like these are, these are things that really anyone can agree to and so, as hard as it might be, many times the people who are most successful in getting their reluctant spouse to join them in the program are the ones who table the idea of saving the marriage at all and take that off the table. And you don't have to hide your motivation, you don't have to lie or pull the wool over their eyes and say and say that that's not what you ultimately want. It's OK to keep that, that hope, tucked away and let them know that you know, if the door ever opens, that you would want that, but focus on the things that you can agree on. Would you say so, nathan?

Speaker 2: 32:12

Absolutely. And, by the way, I want everybody to hang on, because here at the end I've actually got a list, so grab something to write things down. I'm going to give you a list of things to always remember in preparing for that conversation. But I would totally agree Empathy, cody, is key. Empathy is absolutely key. But remember and I think a lot of there's such.

Speaker 2: 32:35

You know if, for those of you in the chat, some of you might be afraid of the idea of empathy, because we mistake empathy for acceptance and empathy is not acceptance. Understanding is not acceptance. If your partner is having an affair, empathy doesn't mean you're okay with it. You have to remember these are two mutually exclusive things you have to know. To Cody's point, you need to know their motivations, their wants, their needs, even if they're screwed up right now, and don't react to them. You are listening to understand, you're not listening to respond. Empathy is such a key to being able to meet them where they are at, because, yes, they deserve to feel heard just as much as you do, even if they're making mistakes, because we've all made mistakes. Everyone wants to feel heard and respected. We've all made mistakes. Everyone wants to feel heard and respected. Now, how to have empathy without being seen as a doormat, right, I'm not saying that you have to be okay with it. That's once again, that's not acceptance. Empathy is just understanding. I realize that you have strong feelings for this person and I know that. You know that I have feelings for you. So I just want you to know that I understand that. Not you're crazy, not you should feel terrible about it, not look at what you're doing to our family as much as you feel those things. Just, I understand Period. That's empathy, but don't say it if you don't mean it, because if you don't mean it and then you lie and you're caught in that lie, that builds that wall up between yourself and the four pillars even more. A couple of pointers, and we'll recap this because I know that we're supposed to stop here at the top of the hour, and this is good stuff.

Speaker 2: 34:33

I think it's very important to prepare to have this conversation with your, with your partner, about the workshop. Um, write things down. There's something tactile about, uh, about actually putting to paper words that, uh, you know those words that actually go into your brain, about what your thoughts are, where your calm is, all those things you know what. Does that make sense, cody. Yeah, which part? The writing thing. Writing things down, that is the. That's the first way to prepare for this conversation. Write down what your goals are. Don't present necessarily present them with your thoughts, but this is for you. You start at step one write things down.

Speaker 3: 35:13

Yeah, yeah, I mean, we have a training that Dr Joe did literally to help people do that. That Dr Joe did literally to help people do that. It comes with a worksheet, helps you to think through your motivations, your spouse's motivations, potential frictions and objections in that conversation Really wonderful resource that I send out to people all the time when they're planning this invitation and, yeah, I think, absolutely just collecting your thoughts. And here's another reality about that conversation If you do everything that you can do to stay calm and strong and gentle in the conversation, to be respectful, to meet them where they're at, you do everything within your control to have that be a peaceful invitation, right? And they react negatively, it's not your fault, right, that's a them problem, that's not a you problem, right? If you did everything right and you did everything you could and they still react negatively, that's something that they have to deal with, not you, right? So you can't let the fear of a potential unhealthy and negative reaction stop you from doing what you need to do to take a step forward, right. And you know, phil, maybe we can link to that training, maybe we can link to Malia's webinar about the do's and don'ts of asking, because I think those both will bring a lot of additional tactics and clarity to a lot of these things. But I do want to touch on if, unless you have something else, I do want to touch on the idea of the solo and why it exists. Right, because here's how Nathan and I, I'm sure, go into any conversation with anybody. We want to figure out where you are at and where your spouse is at, because if both of you are ready to engage and do something, for whatever reasons, the couples program is a no-brainer. Of course. That's where we're going, that's what we want, that's our ultimate goal for everybody. But we have to be realistic about where everyone is starting, and it's not always possible on day one. That doesn't mean it's not going to be impossible, or it's not going to be possible a week from now or a month from now, or six months from now or a year from now. We have stories of people who go down this path for years before their spouse is open. But the fact of the matter is, the people who ultimately get their spouse to engage are the ones who don't let the frustrations break them and then they just focus on themselves. So to that end, I would say Nathan would probably agree with me.

Speaker 3: 37:43

I believe the most powerful thing that Marriage Helper actually offers the most amount of people is the solo program, because it actually gives someone who would have otherwise nothing they could do with a disengaged spouse a lever of control. It gives you something that you can actually take a tangible step forward. And I always say and I always get this feedback healing, clarity and a path forward. If those three things sound good to you right now, no matter where you're at, that's what the solo program that we do offers you. Helps you to heal from the wounds that you're feeling. I'm seeing a lot of open, painful wounds right now in the chat. Help you to heal from those.

Speaker 3: 38:25

Clarity, oh my God. I'm sure some of your situations feel so murky and confusing every day. Wouldn't you like to have some clarity about what led you to where you are today, what made this happen, so that you can move forward with clarity, to not repeat the mistakes of the past right To come out of it a better version of you, who's not going to end up in this boat again, who's going to know what to do differently, moving forward in terms of communicating and relating with your spouse and really everyone in your life and having that path forward and support, having people in your corner like Marriage Helper, where you're going to have a coach working with you. You're going to have that support community that Nathan mentioned, and so, no matter what, on the backside of this, you're better off, regardless of the outcome in your marriage, you're better off.

Speaker 3: 39:15

Last thing I'll say you don't ultimately control the outcome of your marriage, especially in America. If someone wants a divorce, they're probably going to get it right. You can only delay those things so long. This is all about setting you up to navigate either of those paths and, by the way, both those paths are difficult. Divorce is really difficult, reconciliation is really difficult. The version of yourself that's going to be able to navigate either of those paths in the healthiest way is the version that you need to be working on becoming, because you don't ultimately get to choose which path you walk down. Right, that's half the decision of your spouse. So do you want to be the person who's going to be able to go through divorce, if God forbid that, in a way that is strong and healthy and you're still standing on the other side, and do you want to be the version of you who's ready to reconcile in the healthiest and best way possible if and when that door opens. That's why the solo program exists, nathan.

Speaker 2: 40:18

So yeah, as I'm looking through, and you're absolutely right, and that's definitely part of the strategy, because look here, at the end of the day, clarity is king, right? Because of the pain in the chat, we hear a lot about the confusion and the exhaustion and all those things, and I mean how many of you would just love to know that, regardless, how many of you would know, regardless of your marriage, things are going to be okay. How many of you would love to be able just to confidently say that, regardless of what happens here, I'm going to be okay. If you could say that with confidence, that's what clarity looks like. By the way, that's what clarity feels like. If you can say, regardless of what happens, I'm going to be okay, then that's what clarity looks like. So you have to think about this. Your self-belief this is the second part and, by the way, for those of you who are asking for the list, number one prepare, write things down. Number two remember that your self-belief matters. How you are confident about what you want, knowing what you want matters. Your belief in your own purpose matters. If your partner wants out and you want in, then want in as much as they want out. That's up to you, but your self-belief matters, and if you don't believe in it, they're going to smell it. So don't have the conversation until you believe it matters. And if you don't believe in it, they're going to smell it. So don't have the conversation until you believe it. That's just my perspective on that. Number three you got to pick the right setting and timing, because if you know that you're going into a situation where your husband is stressed out after work, then that is not the time You're going to have to set some time. You're going to have to fix the right place. If you've got, you know, four kiddos running around throwing Play-Doh at each other and you're tripping over Lego blocks, which those things are made out of diamonds, I think if, if you are, if you are in that setting, that is not the place. Go to a go to a restaurant, not even as a date, just say hey, two friends going to grab a lunch, let's have a conversation. Can we, out of respect for me, would you be willing to have that talk? And then you have to make sure to pick the right setting and timing. We've already talked about number four Empathy is key.

Speaker 2: 42:28

Remember that understanding is not acceptance, or I should have said, endorsement Understanding is not endorsement of their behavior. Okay, but it is just meaning to talk or meaning to understand. You also have to remember that. Number five not asking is a guaranteed no. So fear never accomplished anything. So if you're just afraid and you want to stay there, then you're going to stay there. Congratulations, that's the 100% guarantee. If you're too afraid to do anything, you're going to stay exactly where you're at. Number six remember and I've seen several people in the chat be calm, no matter what, no matter their reaction to Cody's point, no matter if they just shoot you down within five minutes. Take a big inhale of grace and exhale mercy, because, at the end of the day, you've got to be calm no matter what. And, by the way, inside the membership there's a calm toolkit. That's brilliant. It's helped a lot of people already, so those are all going to be in there.

Speaker 2: 43:28

Number seven being okay with any outcome and plan accordingly. Know what compromises you're willing to make. So if you want to have, if you are just dead set on coming here to Nashville and having some great barbecue, but your partner doesn't want anything to do with traveling, okay, meet them where they're at. There are online programs that they can help. Make sure that you know ahead of time and this is something to write down but know what compromises you're willing to make, not only what do you want, but what are you willing to let go of. That's not compromising on your own value and on your own self-worth. What are you willing to let go of. Find the common ground that we've talked about. That comes with empathy.

Speaker 2: 44:09

And if they finally, if they ask for more time, don't push or manipulate, but agree to terms of discussion until it's decided and then take action accordingly. So if you want to have this conversation and they go up and you say, hey, we've talked about this, what about the workshop? And your partner says I'm not ready yet, okay, I want to give you the time that you need, but when can we get back together and talk more about it? That's not pushing, that's just agreeing to terms of conversation. And if you determine that you need to get clarity before they're going to be willing, then absolutely talk to any of our intake specialists about a solo program, because the personal path is going to absolutely change your life and you're going to be around a bunch of people that are all wearing the help me, my marriage sucks t-shirt.

Speaker 2: 44:55

So literally not literally, not literally we that's. That's not in the swag store, but at the end of the day, there is a community for you and the effort that you put in. You've got a thousand people behind you cheering, but at the end of the day, we want to give you the tools that you need to take those first steps so that you can be able to say you did everything that you could and you're not being chased by that 2,000 pound regret gorilla, because fear is going to keep you where you're at. What if you do all this and it doesn't work? My answer is what if you do all this and you're whole, but it's up to you.

Speaker 3: 45:39

Don't give up. Don't give up on yourself. But it's up to you. Don't give up. Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on yourself. You're worth something better. You're worth feeling better than you feel right now. You're worth better. You're worth having peace in your heart. You're worth healing from the pain and the wounds that are haunting you, and that help is out there for you. But, like Nathan said, it's up to you. It's going to require work, it's going to require action on your part, but don't give up.

Speaker 2: 46:07

I say it all the time You've got to make the decision which is more powerful the vision of your future or the pain of your past and you're going to act according to which one you think is more important.

Speaker 1: 46:18

Thanks so much for watching today's episode of relationship radio. If you enjoyed it, feel free to leave a like. Leave a comment down in the comment section. Let us know if you enjoyed it. If you're listening on podcast, you can actually text us now. It is the first link at the top of the podcast description. It says leave a text or you can text us here. We read all of those and we love your feedback. Make sure to subscribe to the youtube channel, subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss any future episodes that come out. And again, if you want to get in contact with someone on our team about the workshop, then you can click here or go to marriagehelpercom slash book now. We'll see you in the next video.