Feeling Hopeless? "Smart Contact" Can Reconnect With Your Spouse Is your spouse pulling away? Feeling lost and confused about how to communicate? Don't make the mistakes that push them further away!
At Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam, with over 30 years of experience, unveils the powerful SMART Contact™ method. This video is your lifeline if you're facing: • A spouse who wants out • Constant arguments and disconnection • Feeling helpless and unsure what to do Discover why "love bombing" and complete silence can actually sabotage your marriage. Learn how "Smart Contact" can: • Reduce emotional pushes that drive your spouse away • Open the door for healthy communication • Create a safe space for reconnectionDon't let your love story end. "Smart Contact" can guide you back to each other.
Feeling Hopeless? "Smart Contact" Can Reconnect With Your Spouse Is your spouse pulling away? Feeling lost and confused about how to communicate? Don't make the mistakes that push them further away!
At Marriage Helper, Dr. Joe Beam, with over 30 years of experience, unveils the powerful SMART Contact™ method. This video is your lifeline if you're facing: • A spouse who wants out • Constant arguments and disconnection • Feeling helpless and unsure what to do Discover why "love bombing" and complete silence can actually sabotage your marriage. Learn how "Smart Contact" can: • Reduce emotional pushes that drive your spouse away • Open the door for healthy communication • Create a safe space for reconnectionDon't let your love story end. "Smart Contact" can guide you back to each other.
So when you have a spouse that wants out of the marriage and you're wondering well, how should I communicate with him or her, are there some general rules I need to understand here that can help me in that situation if I want to have any hope of putting the marriage back together? Well, actually there are some rules. I'm not saying rules in the sense of you have to do it this way. Maybe rather call them guiding principles that really can assist. Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam with Relationship Radio. Welcome to our program. Maybe I'd rather call them guiding principles that really can assist. Hi, I'm Dr Joe Beam with Relationship Radio. Welcome to our program.
Speaker 1:
Now, when we first started working with couples, it was 30 years prior to the beginning of this recording, not to the minute, but 30 years or so when we started working with marriages. And back in the very, very outset, even though I had read and studied and gotten my degrees and things like that not all of my degrees, I've learned some since then. As I was learning all these things, sometimes I would be led astray because somebody would say something that sounded good and back in the early days I had not thought. You know, we need to validate everything for research before we start using it in our workshops and seminars for research, before we start using it in our workshops and seminars. If it's not by our research, then by some legitimate research done somewhere, by somebody who does it, and does it the way it's supposed to be done, rather than just listening to somebody and thinking, yeah, that makes sense, why don't we just do it that way? And so, back in those days, there were two different ideas out there that were being bantered about, and I actually went with one of them just for a little while, until I realized that neither one of them made sense, and what I want to do is to teach you the one that does, because not only is there research behind it, but the fact that we have now been using it for nearly 30 years probably 28 of our 30. And in those years we have seen how effective it is.
Speaker 1:
So what are the two that people still talk about? They think this is the way you should do it. Well, one would be the idea of bombard your spouse with love notes and gifts and messages and all those kinds of things, letting them know just how much you love them, because if you don't, they're going to think well, it's not really affecting you and you don't really love me anyway, and therefore I'll just go on my merry way. But if you keep bombarding them with these little love notes and all kinds of things to let them know that you still love and you're still there, the philosophy behind them is that'll eventually break through their armor, they put up against you and eventually convince them of how wonderful it would be to be with you because you love them so much. Now, we never did buy into that one, but let me tell you why. Even at the outset, we rejected that one, before we started looking at the research. You see why.
Speaker 1:
Well, if I were leaving Alice and maybe it's because I'm going with my affair partner, or maybe I'm changing to a lifestyle that Alice could not be part of or would not be part of, and so I'm telling her okay, I want you to leave me alone. And the reason I want her to leave me alone is because of the fact that, first of all, I don't want to be aggravated by her, and the reason I want her to leave me alone is because of the fact that, first of all, I don't want to be aggravated by her and, secondly, I don't want her trying to manipulate me in any shape, fashion or form. And thirdly, I don't want her doing anything that might evoke a sense of guilt within me, and so I tell her leave me alone. But instead, what does she do? Well, here's my love note today, here's my little text on my phone, here's a little email, et cetera, et cetera. And people are saying see there, that'll actually create that guilt anyway, that'll actually break through and the other person will feel so loved that he or she will want to come back to you.
Speaker 1:
We talk a lot now about pushes and pulls. If you've ever heard us talk about pushes and pulls, you know that that's the way we simplify some very complex psychological and sociological principles. And when I'm saying simplify, I mean simplify without removing the value of the context of the studies that lead to this. In other words, we don't have to give you 30 pages of explanation on push-pull, because that's confusing, but we need to understand that 30 pages so we can give it to you in three paragraphs. And basically, push-pull says this anything I do that evokes a negative emotion within you will push you further away from me. Negative emotion within you will push you further away from me, whereas anything I do, that evokes a positive emotion within you, will draw you toward me.
Speaker 1:
So think about this If I've said, leave me alone, don't bother me, I'm gone, and every day you're bombarding me with all kinds of messages, hoping that somehow they'd break through my armor. Do you think I'm going to see that as a push or a pull? Well, we figured out very quickly that most people would see that as a push. Leave me alone. You keep doing this stuff, leave me alone. Stop it, leave me alone. And yet here comes next day another batch of all these things about how much I love you, how much I want to be with you, et cetera.
Speaker 1:
Now you might be thinking well, dr Beam, could it not be possible that maybe with some people that could be an effective thing and it would work well? And the answer is when anybody asks me if something's possible, my standard answer is anything's possible. But we don't work off slight possibilities, we work off of probabilities, what is more likely to work. And so our suggestion is, if you're bombarding people with these messages, checking with all day long, et et cetera, that it's much, much, much more likely it's going to evoke pushes than pulls, much more likely it's going to evoke negative emotions because they're telling you leave me alone than it would be pulls.
Speaker 1:
Now you say well, what was the other one? Well, the other thing is has been bantered about still to this day, even 30 years later. Has to do with no contact at all. So, just the opposite of the one I just talked about. But rather than bombarding you with all kinds of good things, hoping I can break through, this one is I'm not going to have any contact with you at all. Now you say, is there value in that? Well, here's how they're thinking about it. If indeed they had an emotional connection with you, if indeed some part of that is still alive inside of them. In other words, there's still some care for you, some love, possibly even some light still for you, some respect still for you, and they are now out here doing whatever the heck it is they want to do, and you're not part of that, but you have no contact with them at all.
Speaker 1:
The concept behind their theory is absence makes the heart grow fonder. Even when I was a boy, I knew that that wasn't a complete statement. Absence makes the heart grow fonder for someone else. You say what do you mean For me to develop a relationship with you, I have to have some kind of interaction with you, and so the no contact thing, just like the barrage you with contact thing, both are basically manipulations. I'm going to do this to try to manipulate you, either by convincing you that I love you more than anybody on the planet so that finally you just have to give up anything and anybody else that can be with me, because I'm so overwhelming you with this message, or I'm going to manipulate you by having no contact with you at all. It's as if you never existed, and that's going to hurt your ego, even if you think you, you never existed, and that's going to hurt your ego. Even if you think you want away from me, that's going to hurt your ego. And if there's any care for me in there, it's going to prick your heart and it's going to make you want to come back to me, like, did he just give up on me that easily? Did he just stop loving me that quickly? And so their idea is that that's what you're going to do to get them to come back Now. You may have figured out by now. We don't recommend either one of those. We think they both have major, major flaws, and I only have mentioned just a few of those flaws here.
Speaker 1:
We could go into more detail. If we were having coffee at a restaurant we just visited, about this as a matter of fact, in that case I would be asking you questions, whichever one of those that you had done. I'd be asking you questions about what you did and how your spouse responded and how it worked out for you. You say okay, so what do you guys talk about? We talk about a thing called smart contact. You say smart contact. What's that? It means that you're going to still have contact with the other person, but when you do, it's for some specific reason. It's not barraging them with I love you, I miss you, you need to come back, the kids are weeping. It's not going to be any of that manipulative kind of thing. It's going to be the contact that you have, either because of the fact that you have business together, and that doesn't necessarily mean that you're in business together. It can be something like well, it's time to pay the taxes and we have several different things to look at for last year, and so we probably need to sit down together, either just the two of us over a table or with our accountant, if we want to use that way. And so there's some business here we need to talk about. And so the reason I'm calling you is just to arrange when can we deal with that business?
Speaker 1:
Now, the other person, even if they said never call me, never deal with me, they're going to find it difficult to see that as being a push. Now they might remember anything's possible. But it's more likely if they see it as having a valid reason, that even if they don't really want to talk to you, if there's a valid reason, typically they will you say are there other valid reasons? Sure, if you have children together, for example, and little Johnny is now not doing very well in school because of the struggles you guys are having Daddy's moved away or mommy's moved away and the teacher is saying I need to talk to you about Johnny's behavior because it's changed in the last few weeks and we're having some difficulty with him and so we need to have a parent teacher conference, well, it would make sense then that you would call your husband or your wife and say hey, the teacher wants to have a parent-teacher conference, and I know that you love little Johnny and that you want to be part of his life and so will you meet me there so we can see if we can do whatever needs to be done to help Johnny maybe adjust that attitude problem and definitely change his behavior at school. Now that might call for another meeting afterwards, if not in person, face-to-face coffee at a restaurant, it might be a meeting over the phone.
Speaker 1:
And we do recommend, when possible, do this verbally as opposed to text, as opposed to email. Now you say, well, what, if only the only way I have is text or email? Then obviously that's what you use. You say, but why do you suggest we do it verbally? Because the written word can be misunderstood.
Speaker 1:
The written word can be misunderstood so easily based on how the other person looks at that sentence and which word in that sentence that they, in their own mind, emphasize. Quick example If I write I didn't see the man shoot his wife, then you may interpret that in any number of ways. Really, no, because think about it. What if in your mind here's the way you read it I didn't see the man shoot his wife, oh, then you know something about him shooting his wife. You just didn't see it personally. Or I didn't see the man shoot his wife, oh, then that might be that you saw some other person shoot his wife. I didn't see the man shoot his wife. Oh then that means you understand. Whichever word they emphasize in their mind changes the meaning of the sentence. And when you're trying to communicate about money or about children or anything else of consequence, it's so much easier to misunderstand it when it's written.
Speaker 1:
And so, if you can get the call and so sometimes we'd recommend with smart contact okay, we need to talk about the kids, or we need to talk about the house that we're selling, or we need to talk about whatever it might be you give a little quick text saying I need to talk to you about what the realtor is telling us about the house. Can you spare five minutes for a conversation? If they text back, well, no, why don't you just send me the information? You can text right back. I'd be happy to send you an information, but I think if we're really going to understand it, we just need to talk for a couple of minutes. Will you allow that? If not, I'll send you the stuff, but I'd love to talk about it if so.
Speaker 1:
And so smart contact basically says you're not pushing and you say okay, is that going to pull my spouse back. Understand that smart contact is not designed to be a pull. Smart contact is designed to remove or reduce pushes, whereas the constant contact and the no contact are actually going to wind up with big pushes tied to them. That smart contact is I'm going to honor what you ask. You said to leave you alone, and so I'm really going to do that. I'm not going to be calling you every day to tell you how wonderful you are or how much I miss you, or all those things we've talked about already, but I will talk to you when there's a reason for it. And so smart contact is to reduce pushes.
Speaker 1:
Now you say does smart contact have any pull aspect to it at all? Yes, in this sense, it can lead you to a point where you can actually talk to each other without either one of you expecting anything else to happen. So if you're the one wanting to make the marriage work and you're thinking if I could just talk to her on the phone, that gives me the expectation that he or she is coming back. No, or if the spouse that left, if their expectation is, you're going to try to manipulate me, you're going to try to beat me up, make me feel guilty, et cetera. Being able to talk to each other through smart contact is giving the opportunity to get rid of both those sets of expectations, and so in that sense it's a pull. But in and of itself will it pull your spouse back? No, it's not designed to do that. It's designed to keep you from pushing your spouse further away and hopefully, if you can have some decent conversations with each other then down the line that can open up some opportunities to have some conversations that can be pulls.
Speaker 1:
Now, if you have questions about that if I've confused it terribly please send your questions to us, let us know so we can give more detail about this.
Speaker 1:
You can do so in just underneath here on YouTube.
Speaker 1:
You can give your comments there. If you'd like to talk to somebody about that, we have some workshop advisors Now. They are not counselors, they're not therapists, but they are people that if you want to talk to one of us to say let me just tell you my situation and you tell me if you think you guys have something to help me, these are the people that can help you, and if we don't have anything to help you, they're honest and they'll tell you that, and so the way you can talk to one of them is to go to marriagehelpercom. That's marriagehelpercom slash book now, and you can book a call with one of our advisors and they can listen to your story and see how much it can help. Now if you're wondering but wait a minute, wait a minute, what if I have no way to interact with my spouse whatsoever? Then smart contact's not going to help you at all. Is there something else I can do? And the answer is yes, and I'll talk about that in our next episode of Relationship Radio.
