Is your marriage on the rocks? Are you separated from your spouse, feeling lost and alone, wondering if your marriage can be saved?
👉 You're not alone. 👈
In this emotional and empowering video, Dr. Joe Beam reveals the secret to saving your marriage while separated, addressing the pain and confusion of separation, and offering practical advice and hope for those fighting for their marriage.
Discover: • Why focusing solely on getting your spouse back can lead to desperate and hurtful actions. • The dangers of using others to manipulate or fill the void left by your spouse. • How to become the best version of yourself – physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually – to attract the right kind of love into your life. If you're ready to take the first step towards healing and hope, watch this video now.
Remember, it's never too late to fight for your marriage.
Is your marriage on the rocks? Are you separated from your spouse, feeling lost and alone, wondering if your marriage can be saved?
👉 You're not alone. 👈
In this emotional and empowering video, Dr. Joe Beam reveals the secret to saving your marriage while separated, addressing the pain and confusion of separation, and offering practical advice and hope for those fighting for their marriage.
Discover: • Why focusing solely on getting your spouse back can lead to desperate and hurtful actions. • The dangers of using others to manipulate or fill the void left by your spouse. • How to become the best version of yourself – physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually – to attract the right kind of love into your life. If you're ready to take the first step towards healing and hope, watch this video now.
Remember, it's never too late to fight for your marriage.
If you're standing for your marriage, you really want to make it work, but you have no contact with your spouse, and maybe not even by your own choice. Maybe he or she has moved three cities away or three states away or three continents away, and it's like we're not going to bump into each other. Or even if we live in the same city, it's big enough that now that we have separate sets of friends and go to different churches if you're a church person and so forth and so on it's just not likely we're going to interact with each other. And so when you talk about the fact that if we had communication, it'd be smart contact, well, I can do the no contact because I have no choice. There's no interaction between us whatsoever and I'm not going to do the other thing you talked about, which is and we don't recommend this, but some people do where I'm going to barrage him or her every day with letters and texts and emails and presents letting them know that you're still here and you still love them. I realize there's some people out there who say that's the way to do it, but we see that as being a major push If the other person has said leave me alone don't bother me, and you keep sending things. We see that as a major push.
Speaker 1:
Now, as I said in a previous program, to this somebody will ask occasionally but could it work, is it possible? And anytime anybody asks me if something's possible, my response always is anything's possible. But let's just say here that you're in a situation where you want to do it the way we've been recommending and teaching, which is smart contact. But there's no reason for you to contact the spouse who has moved away, because you don't have any finances to discuss, you don't have a mutual house you're trying to sell, you don't have children together or whatever it might be, and so there's just no reason to contact each other. He or she is gone and that's pretty much the end of it.
Speaker 1:
Is there anything you can do then? Yes, now let me give a couple of suggestions as to what you should not do. Now you might be saying I just told you I don't have a chance to do anything. Why are you going to go, take time to tell me what I shouldn't do? Because the things I'm going to ask you not to do are for you, not for him or her. One thing I would ask you not to do then is just focus on trying to get your spouse back. You might be thinking good grief, dr Beam, I thought that's what you guys do. Don't you help people put their marriages back together? Yes, and that's why we have a program like this, relationship Radio that typically I do with Kimberly Holmes, our CEO, who is not available today, and as Dr Joe Beam, I teach you on. Yes, we want to help you put your marriage back together and that's part of what Relationship Radio, among all the other things we do. Yeah, we want to help you do that.
Speaker 1:
And then you're saying but if that's the case, why are you telling me not to focus on putting my marriage back together, because almost inevitably, it will lead you to make some very poor decisions, to do things that are pretty much out of desperation. You said like what? Well? You might think, okay, wait a minute, my husband is gone, but his best friend's still here. What if I figure out some way to start dating his best friend? That'll hurt him. It'll also make him jealous, perhaps, and maybe that'll bring him back. So the only thing I'm going to date the best friend for is not because I'm interested in him, but because I'm going to use him to either hurt or to draw my husband back, and I would strongly recommend that you not do anything like that, whether you're a guy thinking about trying to get your wife back or a gal trying to think about how to get your husband back by using other people. That way is the key. The word there is using. Don't be a user. That's just terrible. You might be thinking, but I'm hurting, I'm in pain, I get it and in this way, maybe I'll have a chance. I understand why you're thinking the way you're thinking, but, as I mentioned earlier, when you're focused on trying to put the marriage back together, you make some poor decisions, and in this case, at least part of that poor decision is that you're going to use a person, and that means that he or she may get hurt in this process. And how can you expect that to be the kind of person that you want to be, that's going to be so attractive to your husband or your wife that they want to come back? They want to come back to a user, a manipulator. Don't do that. So please don't focus on trying to put the management together. Instead, focus on making your life the best it can be. I'll talk about that in a couple of minutes.
Speaker 1:
Another thing I would suggest that you don't do, which is very similar to the first a little different motive, but very similar to the first is well, I'm all alone. I hate sleeping by myself. I have nobody to cuddle, nobody to hold, nobody to kiss, and while I really don't want to establish another relationship right now, what I'd really love to have back is my husband or my wife. I think I need to get out there and start dating, just so that I can have some people to have fun with, but not just to have fun with on the dance floor, but that maybe we can share the same bed and I can get some of my needs fulfilled and met that way, so I don't feel all alone. You say, well, do people really do that? Yeah, a lot of people. It's fulfilled and met that way, so I don't feel all alone.
Speaker 1:
You say, well, do people really do that? Yeah, a lot of people. Well, based on the ones I've talked to, yeah. And what are they looking for? Well, not just sex. It's a lot more than that, although sex is definitely a part of it. They are looking for the physical sensation, for the orgasm, if you will. But what they're really looking for, the physical sensation, for the orgasm, if you will, but what they're really looking for is to overcome their loneliness. I want somehow to not feel so lonely, but you understand, one night stand might give you a physical thrill, it's possible, but it's not going to overcome your loneliness. As a matter of fact, it may well make your loneliness worse. You say why? Because of how empty you'll feel the next day. Yes, I got some sex, but I still feel all alone.
Speaker 1:
Don't try to use other people. The first point was don't try to use other people to try to manipulate or draw your spouse back. The second is please don't use other people to comfort you. And you might be thinking but maybe they'll enjoy the sex, maybe it'll be good for them, maybe they'll like it. That's possible, anything's possible.
Speaker 1:
But I'm wondering what it does to you in the long run. What does it condition you to think about you? Do you gain self-esteem? Well, I might gain self-esteem if they're pretty women that want to have sex with me or handsome men that want to have sex with me. Maybe, maybe, just maybe, it will improve my own self-concept and I'll feel better about myself Really, or just feel better about your appearance or, better, about what kind of personal charisma you have, that you can draw a person into your bed if you wish.
Speaker 1:
You say, well, that's an advantage, isn't it? It makes me feel better about me. But what about the you deep inside? How's that person going to feel about that? Well, I can tell you what a lot of people feel about that, because I have worked with people for 30 years now and they've told me all kinds of stories. But the vast majority of them either become so callous to true intimacy and life now becomes just about the thrill. Let me find another guy, another gal, let me get another drink, let me get another partner in my bed, let me do those kinds of things that they actually wind up not having any deep, intimate relationships. And the more they do those others, the less likelihood they ever have of having a deep relationship, because they're training themselves to just look for the momentary release, the momentary getting away from the pain. In that sense it's much like an addiction.
Speaker 1:
Now you might be saying well, dr Beam, I mean, if my spouse is gone and we're divorced, do I have a right to date somebody else? If I want, sure you do, but I recommend that you not do it in the sense I'm just talking about, because I've heard so many, so many who have Let me go find a partner to fulfill me right away, and then he or she's not going to be the one that can help you in the long run. If you're going to date date seriously, I mean you can have dates that are just fine, that's fine. But if you're going to turn it into sex and those kinds of things, I strongly recommend that you first develop a relationship that's intimate in the sense of openness and transparency and vulnerability, and so take your time, don't let that happen earlier. So there's two don'ts. Oh, there's one more. Don't Forgive me, the other don't I always forgot.
Speaker 1:
Don't do things where you're trying to manipulate your spouse into seeing you in a different light. You say what do you mean? Well, if you've come to one of our solo workshops, for example, you know that we teach you how to be the best you you can possibly be, that you're going to be better physically and intellectually and emotionally and spiritually, that you're going to grow and develop and be a strong human being, actually a person who draws strong people to you. But sometimes and it doesn't happen a lot, and when it does, it always backfires. Sometimes a person will be making that kind of development and then they have a friend that's still in contact with a husband or wife that's out there somewhere and they'll say sneak into the conversation how much I've changed, sneak into the conversation how much a better person I am right now. Make sure you work it in somehow some way so he or she can get word that I'm a better person than when they left and that might make them come back Now.
Speaker 1:
Part of the reasoning behind that is valid. Part of the reasoning behind that is invalid. You see, the one major thing you can do that can possibly bring your spouse back is that you become the best person you can possibly be, so that you do work on yourself physically, take care of yourself, your body, work on yourself intellectually, take care of your mind. Make sure you're not just absorbed thinking about this all the time, but you're growing and developing and becoming a broader and wiser person. And work on yourself emotionally so that you're not having all these pity parties but you could also have fun and laugh and feel good about yourself and feel good about life and spiritual, to whatever dimension that means to you.
Speaker 1:
Now, to me as a Christian, that would be develop my relationship with God even stronger. You may not have the same religion that I have, but whatever your spiritual values would be, don't decrease them. Don't become a person that beforehand you would look down on, because that person doesn't live by the morals you believe are valuable. If anything, you increase your morals. You make yourself morally stronger by increasing your beliefs about what's right, what's wrong about you, et cetera, et cetera. And so all those things are important.
Speaker 1:
Now you're saying you confused me, dr Beam, just a minute ago. You told me don't do that. And then somebody sends somebody to my spouse. You see, that's the part that's invalid, the part about making yourself the best you can be if it's sincere and it's real. And, by the way, you do not do that for your spouse, you do that for you, because if you do that for your spouse and he or she doesn't respond the way that you hope they do, don't quit doing it. So you don't do it for them, you do it for you.
Speaker 1:
But when I grow and develop and become this better person, I can't send word to my spouse that I'm a better person. It's probably going to backfire against you and particularly if you try to do it in some sneaky way like go tell my ex-husband, go tell my ex-wife, how much better. I am Be sure to work it into the conversation, because most people aren't that smooth, they just aren't. And when they start working at the end it gets a little clumsy. And if your ex asks any kind of question like why are you telling me this, it may spill the whole beans. Well, I've been around her a while, I've been around him a lot and they just wanted you to know. So the good part become the best person you can be. Just don't try to use that information sent by some messenger in some fashion to manipulate your spouse into checking you out. You say but otherwise how will they know? You never can tell.
Speaker 1:
We've had people tell us all kinds of stories about you know he moved to Paris and I was still living in Paris, tennessee, and there's a big difference in those two places. Now I'm just making up the two cities. I mean they actually exist, but for the story I'm making up those two, those cities, and here I am learning and growing and developing and he's across the ocean in another country over there, and I'm not trying to send people over to convince him. How will he ever know? The stories we hear are fascinating. Let me just tell you one we heard not long ago.
Speaker 1:
I was leading one of our couples workshops and there was a guy there who had not long before just two or three months before had been in our solo spouse workshop. Actually, probably been more like four or five months before he had been in one of our solo spouse workshop actually probably been more like four or five months before he had been in one of our solo spouse workshops. Now he's back with his wife and they're in the couples workshop and so one of the breaks I walked over to him and I said congratulations, I'm glad that you guys were able to decide to come. He said it's a fascinating story. I had no contact with her. We have no children. She had moved to a different city and and there was no way I could have no contact with her we have no children. She had moved to a different city and there was no way I could have any contact with her at all.
Speaker 1:
But after what I learned in the solar workshop, I started becoming the best person I could possibly be for real in life, not just for her but to everybody with whom I interacted and he said in one night I was actually invited to come seek a little home Bible study, miles from where either one of us lives, and so I was invited up there. Some guy knew me, and so here we were, just sitting around a handful of people, and I led that Bible study. And it turns out that one of the guys in that Bible study was from the same town where my wife now lives, and you were pretty well, I didn't manipulate anything. I didn't even at the time know that he knew my wife. I didn't try to do anything other than just be the new me as best I could be. And he goes back over there and tells her hey, is that the guy you divorced? Mm-hmm, you might want to look at him again, because the way you've described it to me, it's not the guy that I met at that house the other night. That guy's pretty cool. You might want to check him out. And so she did, and she contacted him back and said hey, I hear that you changed some. And he said well, I'm trying to grow, trying to develop. Well, let's talk about that some.
Speaker 1:
They wound up coming back to our workshop as a couple to put that marriage back together, you say, well, great, one story. Look, I wish I had the kind of memory I'm getting old, I'm not able to remember all the things I used to remember. Wish I had the kind of memory where I could tell you 20 stories about that, because we have more stories and more stories, and more stories. It's just we're so busy and we're running into new people all the time and learning new stories about people all the time that sometimes I forget the others. But we've had people tell that same kind of story that you know he was on the other side of the planet and this is what happened and here's how he found out. And he thought I want to check that out again.
Speaker 1:
Or we just happened to bump into each other at an airport because we were both flying to do business things and each one of us had like a long layover and we just sat around and talked for a little while waiting for our respective second flights and in that conversation my spouse looked at me and said who are you? You're a different person than you used to be. You're awesome. And if you're thinking well, dr Beam, I'm awesome already. Good for you, absolutely good for you. But do you see the point here?
Speaker 1:
Opportunity comes to those people who are prepared for it. It doesn't need to be manipulation. So don't do those things I talked about earlier, because they just hurt you. But if you do the things I'm talking about becoming the best you can possibly be the likelihood of getting your spouse back goes up dramatically. Now if you're thinking, but what if they don't come back? By developing yourself into the best that you can be, if that spouse God forbid never comes back, if you decide you want another relationship like attracts like, and if you become a better, stronger person, more lovable, more lovely in all kinds of ways, then that's the kind of person you will attract somebody like that. So there's no downside to it. All right, don't try to manipulate.
Speaker 1:
Be careful how you're using sex. Be careful how you're trying to fulfill the needs you have. Be careful how you're using sex. Be careful how you're trying to fulfill the needs you have. Concentrate on you physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. Now, if you'd like to know more about that solo spouse workshop I was just talking about, you can contact us at marriagehelpercom slash book now and it will get you to one of our people who understand all of our programs, and they'll listen to your story, and if we have something we think that would be a value to you, these advisors will tell you about it. If we don't have anything to be beneficial to your situation, they'll tell you that too. You see, we're not after just trying to get rich by taking people's money. What we want is to help people save their marriages, make their lives good, and so our advisors are happy to help you with that. They're not counselors, they're not therapists. They'll help you anyway. I look forward to seeing you on the next Relationship Radio episode.
