Essential Skills for Repairing Your Marriage after Separation

Feeling Lost in Separation? Don't Lose Hope!  Separation is tough, but it doesn't have to be the end. This episode of Relationship Radio offers a lifeline, revealing the 5 most common mistakes married couples make during separation. Learn how to navigate this challenging time with grace and clear communication, keeping the door to reconciliation open.

You’ll Learn About: 💕 Emotional Resilience: Discover tools to manage the emotional rollercoaster and respond calmly, even in the face of intense feelings. 👪 Protecting Your Children: Learn how to shield your kids from unnecessary pain and create a safe, loving environment for them.
✨ Nurturing Hope: It's not over until it's over. Explore why taking time to heal and reflect is crucial before considering new relationships.
🗣️ Communication Clarity: Set healthy boundaries and establish clear communication expectations. This fosters understanding and reduces conflict, paving the way for a separation experience that can lead back to marital restoration.

Ready to rediscover hope and heal your marriage? Tune in now to learn valuable communication skills and embark on a journey toward reconciliation. Your love story doesn’t have to be over!

If you're struggling in your marriage, don’t wait. Get our FREE resource: The 7 Steps to Rescue Your Marriage 👉 https://marriagehelper.com/free

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Transcript

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Avoid These 5 Separation Mistakes

Speaker 1 0:00

Stop doing these five things . Hi , my name is Jason . I'm the YouTube and podcast producer here at Marriage Helper , and today I'm joined by Rold . Rold is a Marriage Helper , certified coach and a workshop facilitator and , honestly , there's not a lot of things that Rold doesn't do , but today Rold has identified the five biggest mistakes that couples make while they're separated , and that's what we're talking about on today's episode of Relationship Radio . Well , rold , thanks for being here again today .

Speaker 2 0:37

Yeah , as always , this is fun . I like doing it .

Speaker 1 0:40

Yeah , yeah , yeah , I agree , this is fun . So Rold is one of our coaches . He is also very involved in workshops . He helps lead and facilitate some workshops . Rold works with a lot of clients through those those two things and a lot of other things . Rold has a lot of hats here , and so today we're going to be talking about the top five mistakes that couples make while they're separated . So , rold , why don't you take it away ? What is the first mistake that couples make while separated ?

Speaker 2 1:08

Yeah , thanks , jason .

Speaker 2 1:09

And uh , you know , like you said I think this is just from chatting with other coaches , but with a lot of the clients that we've experienced over the last three years , um , a lot of them do end up in separation . I think we've got to just say , like , sometimes you don't have a choice . Like your spouse has just decided , I'm going to separate , other times , hey , maybe this can help you make a better decision to maybe not separate . So I just wanted to just throw that out there . Sometimes you just don't have a choice because that's what your spouse has decided and you've got to go along with it . But from our perspective , as far as possible , if you could stay together , even though it's awkward , we have enough strategies and things to help you kind of navigate that . But if you can stay together , that's prize A . But here's a couple of things to consider .

Speaker 2 1:57

If separation is on the cards or maybe you've already got separated , I think the first one that I see the most is a big emotional overreaction and that typically comes because , hey , we're hurt Now , this person that I'm spending my life with . Now they're out the house or planning to leave and they're going to live somewhere else , and so that hurts , that causes us pain , and if we don't keep that emotion in check , it typically spills out into everything . And so then we start shouting , like you hear this , and we raise our voice because now I'm emotional , I'm upset , which is natural , but those kind of emotions can become really big pushes natural , but those kind of emotions can become really big pushes . And so if we emotionally overreact to what's happening and to what our spouse is doing and their decision , blaming them and or maybe doing like excessive crying , all those kind of things when our emotions are just kind of spilling over , they're going to become extremely big pushes that might actually push your spouse further away . And so in that case , as you will find out in our smart contact toolkit and even our calm toolkit , we need to approach these things from a very calm and composed emotional space and so that , no matter what our spouse is doing , no matter what's happening around us yes , although it hurts , although it sucks , we can still approach it from a perspective where we can respond rather than react .

Speaker 2 3:37

Reactions typically bite us in the butt somewhere along the line , but if we can respond , it changes everything . If we can respond in calmly and strongly but gently , it goes just a much longer way . So that would be . The first one is just if emotions are super high and we're reacting and just being overly emotional to everything our spouse is doing and saying , and that's just going to create more of a push which doesn't really look inviting for your spouse to stay home or come home . And so we've got to check , get those emotions in check , all right . So begging , pleading , whining , shouting , blaming , excessive crying all those kind of things are just typically going to push your spouse away rather than pull , okay , um .

Speaker 2 4:24

The second one is something that is going to touch a nerve , but using the kids as a middleman , or using the kids as a messenger , and so often you know hey , just tell me what mom said . Or hey , you know what ? What did dad do while you were there the whole weekend ? And so if we start putting the kids in the middle , irrespective of their age , we have to consider the impact that's actually going to have on the kids for you to get that kind of information . And so we talk a lot about hey , you focus on you , you do your pies and you focus on being the best version of yourself for you , but the spinoff of that is that you can influence your spouse .

Speaker 2 5:12

Now why I mention that now is because sometimes , and depending on the age of the kids , kids have no filter and so they're going to talk anyway . But you should not use your kids to spread the news to your spouse Like , hey , just tell dad how good I am , or just hey , tell dad how much I've been working on my pies . What you're doing is you're kind of weaponizing the kids in a sense , and the problem is your spouse could even see that as manipulation , and so as much as possible we need to shield our kids from unnecessary conflict and rather , hey , I'm going to use that opportunity to speak directly to my spouse . It becomes an opportunity instead of using the kids . Sometimes they're just going to talk , that's fine , that's on them , but as much as possible don't use your kids as your communication . I've seen this in other situations is that with older kids maybe like late teens , early 20s , maybe even kids are out of the house .

Speaker 2 6:14

Two people , two spouses that are separated , will use their kids to communicate , and the problem with that is it becomes a broken telephone situation because that child is going to reinterpret it in their way and then when they tell the other spouse the message that might be the completely wrong heart , the complete wrong message , the completely wrong tone . And so it doesn't matter what age your kids are at , just don't use them as the middleman , as the messenger . It's going to just cause more conflict , resentment , and your spouse might feel you're manipulating them . And , besides , it's just not good for the kids . It's going to have a negative impact on them because now , instead of them experiencing the conflict in their own way , you are dragging them right into the center of the conflict , and that's not good , all right . So that's the thing is using the kids as messengers .

Speaker 2 7:08

Third one , and again I think a lot of these might touch a nerve , but we have to consider financial responsibilities , and so a lot of times what we see is like folks just decide we're going to separate , but they very seldomly consider like this is two separate households , now that we have to fund and finance . And so this is where emotional , if we just react emotionally and we're like , hey , we're going to separate because we can't handle the conflict , what happens is like , okay , now I've got to fund a new house , I've got to get maybe a second car , I've got to commute further to my house . Oh no , now we've got to buy extra kids for the kids We've got to furnish . A lot of times I've seen this and folks don't consider the costs financially of actually separating . And so we would just suggest is , like you know , and the effect of that is suddenly now , oh you know what , there's missed payments , there's increased debt , and we know just from a lot of people we've dealt with and you can go and find this pretty much anywhere when money is involved , especially debt and financial struggle , that produces a whole lot of stress in the relationship as well .

Speaker 2 8:22

Now you have another thing to fight about , and so , beyond just considering the cost of the long-term effect of like , hey , we've got to fund two properties , two houses , two households , if we're not talking about these things before separating , they cause a lot of surprise , they cause a lot of stress , they cause a lot of issues that we're not talking about these things before separating . They cause a lot of surprise , they cause a lot of stress , they cause a lot of issues that we're not thinking about . So I'm going to talk back to hey , smart contact , we've got to manage these business items before we just decide this stuff . Like , really talk about it . But also I want to say again we've got to talk about calming down , like if we're just emotionally making decisions , they will backfire at some point . I can't tell you when and where and how , but at some point they will backfire Okay . So if we're just going to ignore their financial implications , you're kind of living in a non-reality and that thing often , from what I've seen , will bite you . It will come back . So rather , deal with it well , maturely and you set your guys up for success . If separation is the only choice , you have , all right .

Speaker 2 9:35

The fourth one is often people will be like okay , we're separated now , so that gives me the opportunity or the kind of like free pass to have another relationship . And we see that so often . It's like , oh no , but we were separated when I started this relationship and we understand like I mean and this just drives home the point I think I mentioned earlier is we have this or in another podcast is like , hey , and this just drives home the point I think I mentioned earlier , as we have this or in another podcast is like , hey , we all have this desire to be together , we have this desire for unity , but firstly you can rush into another relationship and who knows what baggage and pain and hurts you're carrying into that other relationship and , besides your own issues and struggles , that other person that you're getting involved with do they know the full truth , do they know the whole story but also understand that that person is not perfect and they could have the potential to hurt you as well . So you could find yourself in the situation where you're being hurt in all perspectives and that can taint your view of marriage , of relationship , of forgiveness and reconciliation , and so those kind of rebound relationships , or maybe it's even a revenge relationship . The problem with that is you can never , ever guarantee that your spouse will hurt exactly the same way that you are hurting , and so those kind of sudden relationships , even if they just start off as friendships , they end up just having a huge impact on you , potentially your kids , because hey , now we're supposed to be separated , but hey , dad's already or mom's already with this other person , like what's going on . So you create a whole lot of confusion , you prevent your own healing , you prevent your spouse's healing , you prevent and overall because this is what we hope for you prevent the healing of your actual relationship , your marriage . Because what happens if one day you wake up and say you know what ? I want to give my wife or my husband another chance . But now you're involved deeply with another person .

Speaker 2 11:35

Now you've got a whole other complication to figure out , whereas , hey , you know what if separation was the only choice we had , which we would again strongly suggest ? If you don't have to , don't separate , there's other ways to handle that . But if that was your only choice , give that the chance that it needs for you guys to emotionally calm down , make wise decisions and then potentially explore what reconciliation could look like . And in our workshop we talk about a model that will help you explore reconciliation . It's not saying we reconcile and then decide what has to happen . We explore what reconciliation could look like . So I want to strongly encourage you . The workshop's going to put you on the same page , firstly in communication and a lot of we explore what reconciliation could look like . So I want to strongly encourage you . The workshop's going to put you on the same page , firstly in communication and a lot of the stuff we've already spoken about . But then we're going to give you an actual pathway you can navigate to work towards potentially reconciling rather than separating and divorce , and we would say , hey , that's at least something that you can as a different perspective . Don't just have the blinkers on like separation and divorce , and we would say , hey , that's at least something that you can as a different perspective . Don't just have the blinkers on like separation and divorce . We are of a mindset that there's other options . There's other solutions other than separation and divorce . So don't rush into another relationship that just causes a lot more damage for you and kids and everyone else

Setting Clear Communication Expectations

Speaker 2 12:56

around you .

Speaker 2 12:56

Okay , and for today , I think the final one would be really just a lack of communication as a whole . And so you know we don't like using the word boundaries too much , but like , because a boundary can often make someone feel like they've been fenced in . But sometimes we need to be clear on our expectations . Maybe that's a better word , because if we're not clear on our communication and what we're expecting , a lot of times people get disillusioned , they get upset because , hey , now we didn't clear up this fact , but you know what , you're texting me every single day , and that creates a push with your spouse .

Speaker 2 13:38

Whereas if we said , okay , we're going to set an expectation , okay , we're only going to text each other once a day and we're going to text about this topic , that's an example . Maybe we set an expectation about hey , no late night calls because I've got the kids in bed and I'm tired , I'm going to be emotional , so that's not going to be really a good conversation . Or , hey , and one that we see quite often is that one spouse will just decide at the most random times to have the most inappropriate conversations or topics , and not just sexual in nature , but just like they'll phone their spouse at work and start having this huge fight with them while your spouse is at work . Phone their spouse at work and start having this huge fight with them while your spouse is at work . All that does is it's going to create a big push because now they're emotional , they're focused on work . You're not actually achieving anything .

Speaker 2 14:34

So what I would suggest , and what we would suggest is hey , choose your opportunities well , don't set clear expectations of how you're going to communicate , when you're going to communicate and what medium you're going to use . Some people are okay , they don't want to text because text can be misinterpreted , miscommunicated , et cetera , et cetera . If there was a way to set this , we would say phone call . That would be prize A . Second , a video call . Third , a phone call , text , text , email , just because that keeps things clear . But if you never decide that , if you never actually discuss that , then you suddenly surprise your spouse or your spouse does something that you didn't expect or you hope they did differently , and then it causes another blow up .

Speaker 2 15:16

So the fifth mistake is that we're not setting clear and common , or at least common ground , like finding common ground and expectations on how are we going to communicate , what are we going to do with the kids ? When are we going to communicate ? What are we going to do with finance ? So communication typically breaks down , and that's why we're so big on smart contact Like we're going to punt that a lot , because it helps us just break this down and all of what we just spoke about today to really go . How can we create a lot healthier interactions ? How can we come up with specific strategies to communicate better with our spouse , deal with our emotions better , communicate with the kids , allow good conversations and also working on ourselves , and so the SMART contact toolkit is really going to help you guys there . So I'm going to quickly break down just the acronym for you and then I'll let Jason do the rest for you . But SMART stands for Stop the Pushes , so we want to stop any behavior . That's a push and I'm not going to spoil the toolkit , but that's just in a nutshell .

Speaker 2 16:22

Second one the M is manage business items . These are the things that absolutely need to be discussed . A is for allow your spouse to talk to you , to initiate conversation , especially relationship talk , because they might not be in that space that you're at , but allow them to communicate . The R is respond strongly , calmly and gently . Again , if you react emotionally , that's going to be a big push . And then the T is really take it one day at a time and take care of yourself , and then it goes right back to pies . So I want to encourage you create healthy interactions , healthy communication , avoid some of these common mistakes of separation . But the smart contact toolkit is going to kind of help you navigate that as well . So over to you , jason .

Speaker 1 17:13

Yeah , thank you , roel , those were great . So I'm going to walk back through all five just briefly so that we make sure that we get all of them . So the first one was avoid a big emotional overreaction . Try to just avoid pushes altogether , because having an emotional overreaction will make that way easier . You talked a lot about smart contact just now and the calm toolkit . The second was using your kids as a messenger . Avoid that . That's manipulation . You're weaponizing the kids Not a good thing at all .

Speaker 1 17:47

The third thing is the financial costs and implications are often looked over . That can introduce a lot of stress . You're missing bills , missing payments , all of that . The fourth one is rushing into another relationship . That can cause a lot of damage . There's a lot of baggage there . And the fifth one was the lack of communication expectations Just making sure that those we don't like to use the word boundaries , but making sure those expectations are set when it comes to communication . If you are separated but I want to encourage you if you are separated we have seen thousands of couples go from separated to reconciled and there is always hope .

Speaker 1 18:30

Roald mentioned a lot about the Smart Contact Toolkit and the Calm Toolkit , as well as our workshop . So the good thing about it is , if you sign up to go to one of our three-day workshops , you actually get a year's worth of membership , which is where those toolkits are uh included in your workshop . So to learn more about your uh , about our three-day workshop , you can go to marriagehelpercom slash book . Now , uh , you can speak to a workshop advisor and they will help guide you through that process , um and see what we can offer to uh get you through that process and see what we can offer to get you into one of these workshops

From Separation to Reconciliation

Speaker 1 19:01

. So , rold , thank you so much for being here again today .

Speaker 2 19:04

Yeah , appreciate that , jason . And just to your point and sorry I'm interrupting here , but no , go ahead Exactly like you said , if and maybe this comes across like , oh no , we're doomed if we separate it . No , not at all . Jason , hit it nail on the head . There is always hope and we have hundreds of stories of people that have , like , from separation gone to reconciliation . So that was a great way to end it and , yeah , totally agree 100% .

Speaker 1 19:29

Yeah , absolutely . All right , we'll see you on the next episode .