How to Apologize to Your Spouse After an Affair or Other Hurts In this Marriage Helper episode, we discuss the importance of sincere apologies in marriage. We share tips on how to apologize to your spouse after an affair, as well as how to apologize for everyday hurts. The importance of staying calm, avoiding defensiveness, and taking ownership for your actions is emphasized. Also discussed is how to work with your spouse to develop a plan to change negative behaviors. If you are struggling with how to apologize to your spouse, this video is for you!
Key Points: • The heart behind an apology should be sincere and strive for emotional connection. • Avoid defensiveness and take ownership for your actions. • Listen to your spouse and try to understand their perspective. • Develop a plan with your spouse to change negative behaviors. • Don't apologize repeatedly for the same thing.
How to Apologize to Your Spouse After an Affair or Other Hurts In this Marriage Helper episode, we discuss the importance of sincere apologies in marriage. We share tips on how to apologize to your spouse after an affair, as well as how to apologize for everyday hurts. The importance of staying calm, avoiding defensiveness, and taking ownership for your actions is emphasized. Also discussed is how to work with your spouse to develop a plan to change negative behaviors. If you are struggling with how to apologize to your spouse, this video is for you!
Key Points: • The heart behind an apology should be sincere and strive for emotional connection. • Avoid defensiveness and take ownership for your actions. • Listen to your spouse and try to understand their perspective. • Develop a plan with your spouse to change negative behaviors. • Don't apologize repeatedly for the same thing.
I'm sorry. Two words that seem extremely simple to say, but oftentimes aren't, especially when there's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt involved, and that's what we're talking about on today's episode of Relationship Radio Roel, thanks for joining me today.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's good to be with you, Jason.
Speaker 1:
Yeah. So for those who aren't familiar with marriage helper, or maybe not familiar with you if they haven't seen any of the videos that you are on, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do at marriage helper?
Speaker 2:
Oh, fantastic, yeah. So now, actually June. Now we've been with marriage helper for three years. So now, actually June. Now we've been with Marriage Helper for three years. So just after COVID we joined we started as breakout leaders. I say we it's Tammy and I, we both started as breakout leaders at the same time and then someone just said to me hey, you should apply for the coaching position, and so I did, and then it was just all she wrote from that point. So I applied for the coaching position, been a coach with Marriage Helper for three years now and just recently, from the beginning of the year, I took over management of the coaching team and now my role is a little bit wider in terms of what we say is workshop fulfillment. So I still manage the coaches but I also help make sure that the workshops function, that there's enough staff and that kind of thing on the workshops and make sure that the schedules are up to date. So that's kind of what I do here at Marriage Helper carry a couple of different hats, kind of like you do.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that's true, that's true. So ROLD obviously deals with a lot of clients, a lot of people who come to us, who might ask this question that we're going to be addressing today, which is how to apologize to your spouse. How do I apologize to my spouse? And so we'll start with this scenario, which is you've cheated on your spouse, you've had an affair and your spouse knows about it. Either they caught you or, in some way or another, they found out about the affair. How do you go about apologizing to your spouse if you want to reconcile the marriage?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, like you said, I think that's a question that comes up quite often, whether it's in coaching calls, whether it's on the workshop. I'm sure you guys get a ton of emails with a very similar question. So I think that the best way to approach it is to really start with the heart behind an apology, because I think we've all been on the receiving end of some bad apologies and then we've also done some bad or maybe even some good apologies. So I think the basis to start any kind of apology from is is this sincere? Am I truly remorseful for what I have done? Or is it just because I've been caught out, you know, like now, suddenly my spouse has found this out? Am I just kind of knee jerk reaction oh I'm so sorry, I'll never do this again.
Speaker 2:
Or is it a sincere thing Like, oh, my goodness, I realize I've gone down this road that's led to some very bad consequences, some really bad things that have happened emotionally, hurting your spouse, potentially your kids. And if you're coming from that being truly penitent, really being remorseful for what you've done, it kind of take your apology takes a different role. And so, like we've spoken to both spouses the spouse that's done the offending and the spouse that's been the one that's been hurt, and both times that I think. Well, mainly the standing spouse would say hey, I would love to have a sincere apology, and I think that's where we've got to start from. Is that heart, it's got to be sincere and it's got to strive, or the goal should be emotional connection?
Speaker 1:
Hey, real quick, let me tell you about our three-day intensive workshops or the goal should be emotional connection and we also offer both couples and solo spouse workshop experiences. To learn more, click the link on the screen or go to marriagehelpercom slash book now to book a call with one of our workshop advisors. Now back to the video. What happens then if the couple decides to reconcile and they're working through things Because this is another question that we get a lot they're working through things and the spouse that cheated or had the affair just always seems to mess up or do something that offends the standing spouse, whether that be push behaviors or whatever. And it seems like a lot of times people will put it as they take one step forward and two steps back. How do you go about apologizing for just any simple push behavior? How do you go about that? Yeah, Again.
Speaker 2:
I think it goes right back to that first thing, like is it sincere? Are we striving to actually create that emotional connection? Am I truly penitent Because we're all flawed? So I'll put up my hand first and say I still don't get it right.
Speaker 2:
And there's times, yeah, where you've got to apologize and the heart behind an apology is like if I just leave things, if we just leave things in the air, that can build resentment in your spouse. So if you're never apologizing, never taking ownership for anything you've done, that's going to cause some kind of resentment and your spouse is probably going to think, oh, they just don't care and they keep doing the same thing, they keep repeating the same behaviors, but they just don't care. And so apologizing, what that does? It creates an environment where it can reduce a lot of the negativity. And so, where we're hurting each other maybe my behavior, the something I said, something I did, the way I came home, has hurt Tammy and if I just ignore it, she's probably going to think, oh, he just doesn't care about me. But if I'm aware of my actions and my behavior and I take responsibility for that and I apologize, what it does? It gives the whole conversation, the mood at home, the opportunity to be less negative, and it creates an opportunity for change and emotional connection. And so I think and this kind of goes to, if your spouse knows about the affair and you want to apologize, or if it's just your random day-to-day actions, I think one of the first things that we all have to do better at is, if your spouse points out something you've done wrong, like Tammy says hey, this thing that you've done has really hurt me and made me feel disrespected I think the worst thing we can do is get defensive. I only did that because you did that. I only had this affair because you know what for the last 10 years, if we do that defensiveness, it's just going to make us go around in circles Because, again, your spouse is not going to feel heard, you're not going to seem sincere, and so that's not going to create unity, that's just going to push us further apart and actually make things a whole lot more negative. And so defensiveness is not a good way to apologize.
Speaker 2:
I want to hear, I want to stay calm, and so if my spouse is pointing something out that I've done wrong and maybe I'm aware, maybe I'm not aware the idea is I want to stay as calm as possible, because if I'm emotional and angry, that's not going to work, because I'm going to typically react instead of respond. So a good way to do that is just take a couple of breaths and say, okay, I really want to hear what my spouse is saying and I want to kind of get on their side of the table. I want to see from their perspective what happened, what part of my behavior, my words, whatever caused this response from my spouse, what has actually hurt them and when. I can do that. It creates a space where I can understand the emotion they're feeling, which means I can then in turn acknowledge hey, okay, I can see why my actions or what my actions have done. And then another thing part of that defensiveness is really just don't interrupt your spouse. If they're trying to share their heart, share their feelings, and you're interrupting them or making Like. If they're trying to share their heart, share their feelings, and you're interrupting them or making excuses, you're going to shut down that conversation and your spouse is definitely not going to feel heard or feel that you are sincere.
Speaker 2:
So, for example, with defensiveness, a couple of phrases you could use is like okay, I understand, I understand, man, that my actions hurt you and I'm so sorry for that. I mean, if Tammy apologizes to me, like that, I'm like that's great, like okay, I appreciate your apology and let's move on from that, but if I get defensive, man, we're just going to lock down all over again. Another way I could say that is like you know what? I can see why you feel that way and I want to make things right Now. You've disarmed, you've kind of defanged the situation, because now I'm not getting defensive, I'm taking ownership, but I'm also sincere, and so that is like what I've seen as like one major, powerful thing. I mean, there's other things like and I don't know, can I mention them? Do we have time for that as well?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, for sure, keep going.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
So I think another one is you know, we would suggest on a large scale is like well, not maybe a large scale, that's maybe the wrong terminology, but in a sense of like, if you keep feeling, if your spouse keeps saying you know what that specific behavior, that thing, and your spouse is bringing that up multiple times, okay, that's a cue, like, okay, I need to pay attention here because that thing is not being resolved. And so if Tammy keeps saying you know what I don't like it when you're sarcastic and I keep being sarcastic, and then a week or two later she goes you know what I really don't like it when you're sarcastic, but I keep doing that behavior. I mean you can only imagine where that's going to go. That's not going to evoke any positive emotions in Tammy, that's only going to evoke negative emotions in it. And that, in that case, what we need to do is if your spouse is like really just saying and it could be over a period of time like, hey, this specific behavior is not good, pay attention, write it down somewhere and go. Okay, you know what I need to reflect. And maybe you could even ask your spouse like hey, what is it about that statement or that behavior that is evoking that negative emotion in you, because then you can use that information not to beat yourself up but say, hey, okay, I can actually change that.
Speaker 2:
And then what you can do if you're in this space, is like, hey, if we're reconciling, like you mentioned, if this couple is reconciling, all right, we're on the same page, we want to make this better? Okay, well, this behavior clearly is causing you pain. How do we sit together? Let's develop a plan to actually change that behavior and then you communicate that plan together and we in a sense hold each other accountable, not in a mean way, not like a prison, like, oh, you better do this, but hey, remember, we said we're going to try and work on this so that the team can be better, so that the marriage can be better. And so if your spouse keeps bringing up something from the past or just continually bringing up the same thing that you know you haven't changed yet, you haven't apologized for yet, you could say you know what? I've realized that you've mentioned the same thing over and over and I realize how my actions or my words have really hurt you in the past. But I'm really working on changing that and I want to show you that I can do better by doing X, Y and Z and really be specific, because that way you're letting your spouse know hey, I'm sincere, I really want to make the marriage work. I really want to be genuine in my apology because I believe in the team, I believe in the marriage and I believe that we can be truly fulfilled going forward.
Speaker 2:
There is a caveat to that, and that's if your spouse, for example, you've maybe already asked for forgiveness and we would always suggest that you don't apologize over and over and over for the same thing, that you've already apologized for Different when you know, okay, I've done a behavior and your spouse is pointing it out, but you've never apologized Own it, then Apologize. But if your spouse is just hurt and they're bringing up stuff from five years ago, the worst thing you can do is we go back to the beginning and be defensive or minimize what they feel or shut down their emotion, because then you're just going to be repeating that cycle. They're not going to feel heard or understood. So what we would suggest is listen actively, listen to what your spouse says, but you don't have to repeatedly apologize for that, and so in that case you can say something like this you know I understand that this still bothers you. I'm committed to working on that issue. So you're not apologizing, but you're giving them a response that, hey, you know what I understand. Or you could even say I've already apologized for that, but I'm really making, and I have made, efforts to improve that behavior. So could we focus on moving forward Now?
Speaker 2:
Again, this is to be genuine and sincere. It can't just be to get your spouse off your back. That's not going to work. But another point you can make is like you know what I recognize that this is maybe still a sensitive topic to you is like you know what I recognize, that this is maybe still a sensitive topic to you. How can we maybe address this constructively and find a solution? So now we're defanging, we're not just saying, hey, I'm sorry again, because eventually your spouse will believe that you are the only bad guy in this situation. Or, if you repeatedly apologize, you eventually just become, or you'll believe I'm the only bad guy in this, I'm the screw up, I'm the one that's messed up. And that's not the case, because we're all flawed. So those are a couple of handles I think we can use when we're apologizing. It doesn't matter for what it is Big things, small things the same principles apply.
Speaker 2:
I think if we can stay calm because if we're not calm we typically react backfires. And just to recap, let's not get defensive. It's a big one, just own it. If you need to own it, own it. Typically that can help reduce the negativity pretty quickly. If there's repeated behaviors that you feel like you keep messing up and your spouse is hammering on it, be patient, listen to what they're saying, try and understand their emotion, validate them and then work on a strategy to actually work on that together. But also then, the caveat to that is don't keep apologizing over and over for the same thing. So I think that's kind of like just the thoughts in the time we have now. So I think that's kind of like just the thoughts in the time we have now, but I think that should set people up for a good way just to apologize off the bat for anything really.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, absolutely. I love all of those and that's actually something that we cover a lot of these things in our three-day workshop that we do. And, roald you're actually at the time of recording this you actually just finished one, leading one yesterday Tell everybody about our three-day workshop and kind of what that experience is like.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. So in one word, it's awesome. So it's changed our lives, and I mean we did the workshop initially three years ago and I always end the workshop with this. But I am so grateful for that workshop because it changed not just my life, it changed Tammy's life, it changed our marriage, but it changed the kids and how we interact with them, but not just our interaction. It's given us something to hold on to that's bigger than just communication and co-parenting. It's it's given us hope and a way to have a marriage that is not just hanging on by a thread, but really a fulfilled and happy marriage. And so, for anyone that's contemplating the workshop, it's way beyond just communication. It is really setting you and your kids and future kids and grandkids up for success and a happy and fulfilling marriage.
Speaker 2:
It's a lot of information, but it is very good and it's you know we typically lead with this on the workshop, but I'll give you a spoiler alert None of our stuff is thumb sucked off of Google or Facebook. It is all based on validated, scholarly, peer-reviewed research, and so I know a lot of folks ask me that question, like where does this stuff come from and how do you know it's true? Well, we've researched this for 25 years this is our 25th year, by the way and so we kind of know what works and how to help couples, and so we'd love for you to join us on one of our workshops.
Speaker 1:
And we actually have two options for the workshop. We have our solo spouse workshop and our couples workshop, and both of those options are available both online and in person. And if you want to learn more about our workshops, you can head to marriagehelpercom slash book now and talk with one of our workshop advisors. Now, they're not coaches, they're not therapists, so they're not going to be able to walk you through and coach you on your specific situation, but they will be able to hear what's going on all of these things and tell you what works best that we have to offer you and get you connected and plugged in and potentially signed up for one of these workshops. Rol, thank you so much for being here today.
Speaker 2:
It's a pleasure, it's always good to hang out with you, my friend.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely All right. We'll see you on the next episode.
