Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
Relationship Radio: Marriage, Sex, Limerence & Avoiding Divorce
The "Secret Tool" That Can Rescue Your Marriage
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Struggling to understand when to stand up for yourself in a marriage crisis? Join us on Relationship Radio as we dive into the concept of essential vs. detrimental "pushes" in a marriage. We discuss the difference between standing for your needs and pushing your spouse away, using the SMART Contact method to navigate those difficult conversations.
Learn how to prioritize healthy communication, manage conflict, and ultimately heal your relationship. If you're feeling lost and overwhelmed in your marriage, this episode offers practical tools and insights to help you navigate the path toward reconciliation.
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At 12 pm Central Time today, coach Roald and Coach Jared are going to be talking about how to unlock the secret to rescuing your marriage. All you have to do is click the link on your screen or go to marriagehelpercom slash webinar to sign up today and again, it's free. So we hope to see you there. But before we get to that, on this episode we're going to be talking about the one secret tool that you can start using to rescue your marriage on today's episode of Relationship Radio. Well, jared, thanks for joining me again on this episode of Relationship Radio.
Speaker 2:Absolutely a pleasure.
Speaker 1:Jared works with a lot of people in the membership. He sees all of your community posts if you're in the membership and there's a lot of things that people struggle with. And, jared, what is something right now? I know we see a lot of trends. There's always some commonality between what people are struggling with. What are some of those things right now that people seem to be struggling with the most?
Speaker 2:struggling with the most? Yeah for sure. So you're right, we do tend to see trends and the thing that we're seeing right now kind of as this day is unfolding people are having a hard time deciding what would be an essential push in their situation and what would be like an annoyance push or a vengeance push or something like that. And what would be like an annoyance push or a vengeance push or something like that? They hear the word push behaviors and they think I must not do anything that pushes my spouse away. And, as a result of that, they're not always standing up for themselves the way they should. So if you look at our Save my Marriage course, we actually say that there are these things called standing pushes, which are, you know, every push that you do is going to evoke some negative emotion in your spouse. It's going to cause some relationship damage.
Speaker 2:But sometimes you have to do a push in order to stand for a marriage. Sometimes you have to do an essential push because you have to make sure that your life is livable and workable. A good example would be child support. If you had to have child support and your spouse was unwilling to give it to you, there would be a strong case where you'd have to say I'm going to get a lawyer or I'm going to contact a judge or whatever, and I'm going to take the money from you, whether you want me to have it or not. Now, that is going to cause relationship damage. That's going to cause the same kind of relationship damage that being critical would cause, or being jealous, or controlling or anything like that. The difference is this type of essential push gives you something that you have to have, so you're making a worthwhile tradeoff, as opposed to the other kind of pushes that are just causing relationship damage but they're not really giving you anything good in return.
Speaker 2:And so one of the things that we talk about here is smart contact. Smart contact stands for stop the pushes. Right, and you go. Well, hey, there, you go, right there. Stop the pushes. Should I still do a you know, an essential push or a standing push and go? Stop the bad pushes.
Speaker 2:Okay, so maybe stop the bad pushes. Allow your spouse to start conversations and people go. Well, I can't reach out. Unless my spouse does it first, I go.
Speaker 2:That's not quite true. It means, when your spouse is in a talking mood, let them talk to you, respond in a way. That's strong, calm and gentle we have to be. You know, if your spouse comes at you with something hard, you still respond to them. You just do it in a way that protects you. Strong is calm You're not emotionally out of your depth and then is gentle You're not going to attack them or treat them like a doormat or just bowl them over or control them. You got to have all three. You want to manage business items? I think I got the number, I think I got the things out of order S-M-A-R-T. Manage business items, which means if there's something that you have to talk about, like child support, you talk about it and then finally T take it one day at a time. Don't try to solve all of your marriage problems at once. Just go one day at a time. And so the implementation of that idea seems to be the thing that the community is struggling with just right at this moment.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're also lovers. We are co-parents, we are business partners. We own things in common. We manage our money in common for a goal in the future. We're also like servants, or maybe employees. I work for my wife, she works for me, I serve her, she serves me. We're also roommates. We're just doing life next to another human being and we're family, even though you listening to me you and your spouse are not related by blood.
Speaker 2:You've become a family because of the experiences that you've had and the commitments you've made to each other. It's caused you to become family members. Now let's pretend that one of those relationships were broken. Maybe your lovemaking relationship has broken down. The romance is gone, we don't feel a lot of passion, but we still can be friends. We still have to parent together. We can still manage business items together. We can still serve one another. We can still keep our areas of our home clean and be a good roommate to our partner that kind of thing and we can still be family. If your tire breaks in the middle of the night, you can still call your spouse and they'll show up for you. You're still like family.
Speaker 2:You sort of allow the broken part of your relationship. You wrap a smart contact cast around it. So if you think of, like, what happens if you break your leg Well, breaking your legs sucks. You go to a doctor, they x-ray you, they set the bone, they get you a treatment plan together and they put a cast over it and all of that is a very unpleasant experience. And then you go home and you leave your leg sidelined for, you know, seven or eight weeks until they reevaluate.
Speaker 2:Now, the cast is not the reason your leg gets better. The cast is a protection mechanism that keeps your leg from staying damaged. Getting a cast on a healthy leg doesn't make the leg healthier, it makes it worse. All right, the cast comes with all kinds of issues. There could be an infection or your muscles could atrophy or all kinds of stuff like that, right? So if one part of your body is broken, you cannot ask that part of your body. Like, if you break your leg, I can't ask my body to take me hiking because my leg's broken, hiking won't work. When I have a broken leg it doesn't mean I'll never hike again, it just means that in this moment, right now.
Speaker 2:Now apply all of that to marriage, right? So smart contact is the cast for the broken parts of your marriage. So if your lovemaking is not working, if you're not able to be friends, or if you can't manage business items together without getting in a fight or something like that, wrap a smart contact, cast around that part of your relationship, but don't stop doing the rest of your marriage. So if you are able to be friends, just be friendly. If you are able to co-parent, just co-parent in a friendly way. If you are able to do business items, do business items in a friendly way. That is very loving, in a way that is, you know, making space for your roommate, partner in life, that kind of thing.
Speaker 2:And so what we do? We let the healthy parts of our relationship heal the part that isn't working right now, and while the part that isn't working is damaged, we practice smart contact. So that means we don't ask our marriage to do things it's incapable of doing. But that doesn't mean we can never talk to our spouse. Doesn't mean we can never have a disagreement. Doesn't mean we can never stand up for ourselves. It doesn't mean we can never, ever, ever push on anything on any topic.
Speaker 2:It doesn't mean that stuff. It means you have to be sensitive to the way your particular, marriage is broken and you have to be smart about how you approach it Now. Later on, once reconciliation begins, we actually change smart contact into smart communication, which is probably its own show. But we don't keep you know. When my wife calls me, I don't pick the phone up and go okay, jared, you've got to be smart with your contact. Now, like I don't do that because that would get in the way of a healthy relationship. It's not the goal, it's the protection mechanism while things are not working.
Speaker 1:Wow, I have. I've never heard that analogy before. That's a great analogy. That's really good, jared. Analogy before? That's a great analogy. That's really good, jared. So thank you for that.
Speaker 1:If you want to learn more about smart contact, we talk about this a lot on our YouTube channel and other videos, so those will be linked in the description. We also have a toolkit, the smart contact toolkit. That's in our membership and we also talk about this in our workshop as well, and so the best way to go about getting all of that is by clicking this link right here or down in the show notes If you're listening on podcast, or you can go to marriagehelpercom slash book. Now that will take you to a form that you can fill out to apply to go to the three day intensive workshop, and we cover a lot of things plus smart contact. Just outside of smart contact, we cover a ton of stuff on how to reconcile and put your marriage back together in those three days, and included in your in your workshop is an entire year of membership where you can get access to the smart contact toolkit as well as every other toolkit that we have. You get access to the community that we have there, the live support calls, all of that stuff. You get to see, jared, all the time in the membership.
Speaker 1:So click the link and go sign up for a workshop. It'll take you to again a form. You can talk to a workshop advisor. They're not coaches, they're not therapists, but they will be able to tell you what we offer and if the workshop is the right fit for you. So you can go to marriagehelpercom slash book now to apply for the workshop today. Jared, thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Appreciate you, my friend.
Speaker 1:We'll see you on the next episode of Relationship Radio.
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