Unveiling the Cost of Overgiving: A Journey Towards Self-Care and Balanced Relationships How to stop Worrying

Have you ever found yourself so wrapped up in others' needs that you forgot about your own? I'm Dr. Donna, and I've walked that path before—now, I'm here to guide you through the intricacies of overgiving and help you reclaim the space for self-care. Our latest episode peels back the layers of this complex behavior, delving into the intrinsic motivations that lead us to prioritize everyone else at the expense of ourselves. We're not just people-pleasers; we're individuals on a quest for self-approval, driven by our own rigorous standards and, sometimes, past traumas that have left an indelible mark on our psyche.

Through personal anecdotes and the shared experiences of fellow overgivers, we explore the hidden anxieties and the relentless worry that accompanies this tendency to overextend oneself. It's a candid look at the emotional toll that comes with being the perennial fixer in our relationships, the one who believes that by shouldering the problems of those around us, we might somehow silence our own inner turmoil. Join us as we confront these challenges head-on, offering insights and strategies to those familiar with the cycle of overgiving—helping to pave the way towards healthier boundaries and a renewed focus on personal well-being.

Transcript

Dr. Donna: 0:00

Hello, it's Dr Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today I want to talk about an important aspect of overgiving, and one important aspect about overgivers is that they worry a lot for everyone but themselves. Now, the reason why I focus on overgiving more than anything, although I coach in many areas, people can call me for any reason, but often I found no matter why a person contacted me for coaching or readings, they had a part of them that was an over giver. Now it's not to say that everybody's an over giver. A lot of people aren't. There's even some people who are takers and they're going to take more than what they give. But I noticed that because I'm an over giver in recovery, I've attracted a lot of over givers and so I see it as my purpose to facilitate, you know, lead them the way out of over giving, as I've had to do the work and lead myself out of being an over giver.

Dr. Donna: 1:15

But when I think about the worst part of over giving, it's you know. All of it can be tough because an over giver is seeking self-satisfaction. They look like they're people pleasing but really they're trying to get their own approval. Been there, done that, and over givers are very hard on themselves and they have high standards for themselves, and they got to meet those standards in order to get their own love and approval. So over givers aren't seeking for other people to love and approve of them. They're really seeking for themselves to feel satisfied as a human being, to feel like they're doing enough, and often it stems from a trauma of not getting their needs met. So they made a promise to themselves that they would never be selfish or cruel or, you know, intentionally hurt someone, and they live their lives. I've been there to prove a point that they will do better than how they were treated, and one unfortunate aspect of that is worrying.

Dr. Donna: 2:31

Overgivers are worry wards and not even really for themselves. Overgivers worry about the people in their life. They worry about the world. They worry about any and everything but themselves, and often they are very last because they figure they're okay, they figure out how to survive and cope, but they worry about people that they care about and they worry for the people that they care about. That's why over givers become fixers, because they're like if I fix this problem for this person, I will no longer have this worry, and so that is a big reason why over givers worry and become fixers because they are trying to solve their own stress. Yes, over givers care about people, but it really goes back to them trying to feel better, and they can't feel better unless they do their part for other people.

Dr. Donna: 3:34

Now I think if you identify as an over giver, you know there's people in your life that you worry about, not just a traditional. I worry about my kids. I want them to be okay, you know. I want my partner to be happy, you know. Worry about the parents.

Dr. Donna: 3:51

It goes deeper than that. You worry to the point to where you are fixing their problems and preventing them from learning how to fix their problems, because you're like, hey, I just need this solved so that I can feel better. And it goes back to you wanting to feel better. So let's give an example. Say that you have a relative who you know I believe everybody has one relative that just needs a lot of help who's a handful, and you know they struggle with the basics, they don't take really good care of themselves, they're bad with money, they may not be able to keep a job, they may have an addiction issue, they may have something going on and where a lot you may see a lot of people turn their back on this person because they're practicing tough love or they just can't deal with the person anymore. You're like I'm going to fix them up, I'm going to fix their life and you end up, you know, trying to fix their problems for them and the person is like, yeah, yeah, you know, this person, the over giver, is fixing things for me, so I don't have to worry about it, and say to this over has a lot of financial responsibilities and you decide to pay them all so that you don't have to worry about this person being stressed out over owning these things. Or you know, this person has a legal situation and you do all the paperwork and everything. And the person just has to show up because you figure, okay, I'm helping them. This stress, stress will go away, not only for me, but it'll go away for the family. It'll go away for that family members, immediate loved ones if they have kids or a spouse. So you go on and fix the problem.

Dr. Donna: 5:47

I've seen this a lot. I've seen it more times than what I can say, and the problem is is that you're like I fixed this person's problem and the problem repeats for the person and you're like I fixed it for them. Why is it repeating? Well, it's repeating because you fixed it for them. They didn't fix it for them, so they never learned their lesson. They just know that someone will rescue them and the over giver will, and so and it can happen where, if you're a friend to someone like this, you know, but it's basically the over giver comes in to saves the day. So you're saving the day, you're thinking that you're wrapping up all these person's problems so that they could just focus on fixing themselves and maybe they just need a fresh start. And this is how they're going to get a fresh start. Because you saw their problem, when actually you've prolonged their problem.

Dr. Donna: 6:49

Because we all have spiritual lessons in this world and you know, yeah, there's some things that need to be judged when it's a serious crime, but when I think of addiction or stuff like that, I really don't pass judgment because I know it's part of a person's journey, their walk, but I know it's painful to the people around them. People around them, but the person who's struggling will never stop struggling until they figure out that they are capable of solving their own problems when they stop looking for other people to fix them. And the over giver, who is a fixer, stops coming in to save the day, then the person becomes capable. They may have to fall hard and the over giver does not like to see people fall. It used to make me sick to see people suffer. I couldn't stand it.

Dr. Donna: 7:42

But when I look back I was making it all about me and over givers. You're making it all about you and projecting onto the person that you're trying to save. But if you really want to save them, you step back. You may give a tiny bit of help, like 10% of what you would normally do, but you tell them, say, hey, you got to go through it this time. It's going to hurt to tell that person that because you're going to start questioning are you a good person? Are you doing enough? Are you being selfish, are you being mean? And the person who you're saying they got to fix their own problem is going to cry to you and probably call you mean or selfish or don't care. You know you're going to get manipulated, but when you step back, you free the person to get to know themselves and their capabilities and that they can take care of themselves and solve their problems. Now it's going to be uncomfortable because then that's one less thing for you to worry about, and over givers feel like they have to worry about everything, even if they say they don't like worrying, but they do worry. And so the over giver is left facing themselves, and so the overgiver is left facing themselves.

Dr. Donna: 8:55

And that is another hard part for the overgiver is that the attention has to be back on you because you're not being distracted by the person that you're helping, and you have to face yourself and realize that, whoa, whenever I save somebody else, I get a rush for the moment, I get a high for a moment. I feel like I've done a good deed, but I haven't taken care of myself. And so it always goes deeper of why the overgiver avoids taking care of themselves. There's usually some unresolved trauma that says I can't face this. And it's often that the overgiver can't face what they've gone through. And what they've gone through, instead of facing it and healing it, they interpret it as I never be like that. I'd be better than that. So I would go save the world and I will overgive and make people happy, and that will ease my pain and that will help me to be a better person. When all reality, yet the face was telling you and that's something that I had to do. I had to go back to the trauma that hurt me, that devastated me, that made me decide that I was going to be better than these people and had to really do the work. And usually it's always over.

Dr. Donna: 10:18

Givers have to do the work and when you do the work, you do less over giving and you give within reason and you help within reason and you know when to step back, because the spiritual dynamic becomes more clear to you that we all have our journeys to walk and our lessons to learn and you can't heal the overgiver, can't heal their pain by saving others. You have to really sit with yourself and face that pain and whatever it is, and when you're able to do that, the emotional freedom that comes is amazing and you have healthier relationships with people and it feels safer to just be with yourself and take care of yourself and prioritize yourself without getting caught up in being selfish. Because that phrase selfish is so misusedused and it's a form of manipulation and it's a way to guilt people and the overgiver doesn't want to feel guilty, so they don't want to do anything that makes them selfish because, more than likely, the person who hurt them or traumatized them was a selfish person and the overgiver is spending so much time trying not to be like that person. And so what you do over givers, you sit with yourself, you journal, you talk to a therapist, a coach, a counselor, someone, and you start going within to say where does this really come from? Where are the deeper layers of why I over give and have to fix other people's lives in order to feel worthy? And you start working on your own value and do your own healing and watch how things shift for you.

Dr. Donna: 12:10

Now, I know it's hard. I always go back to this one point in society we're like're like give, give all you can. Help the poor, help this person, help that person, yes, but within reason. And yes, I've been dirt poor, so it isn't like I don't understand being poor. I we lived in motels, we were homeless. I was homeless with my son. I had to give him to his father until I figured things out, and I was a teenager at the time because my parents were already deceased, so I got a whole lot of sad stories in there. But you give within reason, but make sure that first you're taking care of your responsibilities and you have money saved in case of an emergency, because emergencies happen. The pandemic should have taught us all that. Then you help and that and you have to learn to not feel guilty. Helping you know at a minimum, and that's how you learn to start practicing compassionate detachment, where you learn to help, but it's without sacrificing yourself.

Dr. Donna: 13:17

Now, this is just one part of the journey For an over giver To stop being a worry, wart, worrying about everyone and everything and trying to save the world all at once and leaving yourself behind. So what I would say to you, overgiver, is please start feeling safe. Looking at where this is coming from. Why are you this way? When did it start? What happened? What made you say that I will not be like other people, I won't be selfish, I will give, I will care. That would make me a good person. Why are you tying you being a good person to how much you give? Because that could be exhausting, because when is giving enough? How do you know it's enough? So I would say to you explore these things and make decisions on how you're going to start healing the need to forgive and to start feeling safe, putting yourself first. Thank you for listening and have a blessed day.