Break Free from being an over giver and people pleasing by healing trauma

Why over givers become frustrated -When Giving Becomes Draining Recognizing the Limits

• Dr. Donna

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Have you ever felt like your generosity is a one-way street? Join me, Dr. Donna, as I lift the curtain on the world of over-givers, revealing how relentless altruism might actually be eclipsing your own needs. Throughout this heartfelt discussion, I draw from my own journey to shed light on the often overlooked trials of giving too much. We'll navigate the misconception that boundless giving equates to moral superiority, and I'll share the hard-earned wisdom that sometimes the most generous act can be learning to say "no." 

Prepare to embark on a transformative path toward self-compassion as we confront the stark reality that the universe doesn't always return what we put out. In the latter part of our conversation, I offer practical insights into striking that elusive balance between generosity towards others and self-care. I've even included a 21-page guide with carefully crafted worksheets to support you in redefining your relationship with giving. By the end of our time together, you'll be equipped with the tools to not only recognize but also celebrate the virtue of nurturing your own well-being as much as you do for others.
my free guide on how to break free from over giving. Get My Free Guide (podia.com)

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Dr. Donna:

Hello, it's Dr Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast. Today I want to talk about one of the most frustrating things for an overgiver. And once an overgiver really understands their frustrations, they can do the work to make a change and it will help them to stop over giving. Now, over givers give because they want self satisfaction. They also give because they're kind, loving people. But they get a rush from giving because it makes them feel like, hey, I'm being a good person, I'm contributing to society, I'm doing the right thing and I know I'm overgiver in recovery I've worked with many overgivers and part of it is the more I give, the better I'm going to feel.

Dr. Donna:

So overgivers are out of the extreme of giving. It's good to give, but overgvers do it to the point of hurting themselves. So the number one reason why over givers give that gets in the way for them. That will lead to frustration is that they actually believe that this makes them a good person. And yes, giving is a good quality, but it's not the only thing that makes someone a good person when you're generous with others. But for over givers are like hey, I'm pouring into the universe, I'm giving, I'm kind, um, I'm doing my part I I'm changing the world, so there becomes this obsession that makes it over-giving, where, the more that the over-giver does it and the more that they're pouring into the universe, they forget to pour into themselves. And then they look and it's like whoa, I haven't had the time to take care of the things that I need to take care of because I've been helping others and making sure I'm there for others. And another quality that is with that is that they forget to have enough money for themselves. Over givers will give their last dollar to someone. You know the phrase I give the shirt off my back for you. That's an over giver, for sure. Over givers will do that, definitely so.

Dr. Donna:

Over givers are extreme givers hoping that the more they pour in they, the more that they will receive from the universe. So that gives to the second reason why over givers are frustrated, because they're thinking, whoa, if I give, the universe has my back. The universe is going to make sure I make my bills and I have time to handle things. The universe always takes care of me and, yes, the universe supports us all. But the universe is also a teacher and it also wants us to learn, and that's what people consider karma. Remember, karma isn't all bad, it's good too. It's just what you need to learn. You will learn. So it's not about punishment. It's about teaching and learning so that we can do better in our life Because of how the universe supports us and protects us.

Dr. Donna:

Karma comes in to show us what we need to do differently. And for an overgiver, they have to be shown over and over and over you get my point and over until they figure it out. And usually how an over giver figures things out is when they're broke and they can't pay their bills and there's no one that they could count on to help them out. Now, over givers are often the go-to person, but they don't have anyone to go to, and that's what gets the over giver in trouble, because they're thinking I'm a good person, you know I'm pouring into universe, the universe is going to give to me and for a while the universe will. It'll make sure you're making the bills and make sure that you're taking care of other stuff and you know, hopefully you don't get sick and you stay okay because you're thinking, because you're there for others, you're doing a good deed, you're pouring in good karma, that nothing's going to go wrong.

Dr. Donna:

But the universe says you know what? This pattern isn't stopping and this person needs this pattern to stop. So I'm going to let them run a little bit short on money so they can see that no one's there for them and they have to save. I'm going to let them get tired so that they have to go to bed early and they realize, oh wow, that even after taking care of everybody else and helping people with their stuff, they don't have time. I'm going to even let them catch a cold or something, get a little bit sick or or need something you know from someone, so they can see that they have given so much to others. Everyone thinks that they're okay and they don't need anything. And now they need something and there's no one supporting them because everybody is used to going to the over giver and the over giver has no one to go to. So the universe will bless us, but sometimes the universe will teach us, and it's never about punishment, it's an awakening. It's never about punishment, it's an awakening.

Dr. Donna:

It's happened in my life more than once and, you know, on another podcast I'm going to go into some of the stories that happened to me that really kicked me in the tush and woke my ass up big time and now I'm a different person, but I get it for the over giver. It just resonates, it makes sense and it's almost painful to say no to someone and not be there for someone, and you know what it feels so good like. I was looking on Costco today and they had these wonderful ground beef wagyu burgers and it was a good price and I'm going to order some for myself. And I almost thought, oh, I need to send a gift to someone. And I have a person in mind, more than likely my nephew and his wife, and I said there I go again. It's always there. You know it's not a birthday, you know it's not a special occasion. I was just going to send a gift and I told myself I have to stop doing that so I can catch myself now.

Dr. Donna:

But for the over giver who is actively over giving, it's hard to catch yourself and you know hoping, you know that you will figure it out, which is part is another part that frustrates so many givers, because you're figuring out for a while, because you're like, hey, I'm a good person, the universe will give to me and make sure that my needs are covered and I am able to take care of myself after I take care of everybody else. But one day you won't be able to figure it out because the universe just stops you from figuring it out. And then it becomes stressful again because you know you're thinking, hey, I always make a way. And it's kind of empowering for an over giver to always like, come to their own rescue after they rescued everybody else. They're like, look at me, so it's another fix right, it's another high. It's like look at me, how great I am. I just always get it figured out. I'm empowered and yes, it is a form of empowerment and manifesting to be able to figure things out.

Dr. Donna:

But why keep on putting yourself in a position where you have to figure it out? You know life does that to us enough. Don't contribute to the situation, don't make it harder for yourself by putting yourself in a bind financially or time wise, or health wise, and needing to figure it out and then go oh, I figured it out, I'm okay, I must have done the right thing. No, you're taking yourself to the edge. Actually, that's what's really happening. And yes, as over givers we live on the edge, especially the financial edge, in the edge of just, you know, needing to rescue others and it puts us in quite a tough position. So stop taking yourself to the edge just because you could figure it out. Stop corning yourself like that. Allow some ease.

Dr. Donna:

I'm going to do a podcast on manifesting for over givers. But allow for some ease and some joy in your life, and that does require saying no to others or being honest and looking at what's in your wallet and saying should I be giving the people right now? You know, get real with yourself, get honest about your finances and how much you should be helping and how much you should not be helping. I want to go to the last thing and this really messes up as over givers. It messed me up and it hurt me to my core. This one and I've seen other people get hurt to their core and they're hoping that by being a good person over giving, that like attracts, like you know, and they're going to attract people just like them and you guys are going to pour into each other and it's going to be magical all the time and you know everybody's giving to each other, so no one's cheated and you know there is part of that. But you know possibility, possibility right to attract people like that, but not everybody in your life will be that way.

Dr. Donna:

You might know a couple of over givers, but what you guys are doing to each other is when you guys offer each other something, you're like no, I don't need it, give it to somebody else who is less fortunate or who really needs it, I'm okay. So what's happening is that the over giver is pushing back on other over givers. So you're not doing the like attracts like, because when somebody tries to give to you, you struggle with receiving and you're not allowing yourself to receive, and so you're not going to attract people like you, or definitely not enough people like you, because you're not allowing for it. And when it's in your face, you're like no, it's okay, I'm okay, I figure it out. The universe has my back. You know, I've been a good person. I don't need this blessing from you. Give it to someone else so you kind of take away. Remember hoping to have people in your life who give as much as you do, because both you guys are saying no to each other.

Dr. Donna:

Over givers will refuse blessings, and that's what gets over givers in trouble also, and over givers get very hurt because they look around. They're like I'm surrounded by takers, but over givers, enable the takers. People will take as long as you give, and one day I got to do a whole conversation on what makes people a taker I I think I got to do that coming soon. So what I would say to you is, when it comes to this whole ideal of trying to be a good person and the universe is going to protect, you start thinking, wow, why do I put myself to the edge and why do I hurt myself thinking that I'm going to attract good people, but when I do, I push them away. And then you look around and you just see all these takers that you've allowed to be takers in your life, because people can't take from you unless you allow it to happen.

Dr. Donna:

And so really work through and look at all the times number one that, and look at all the times number one that you attracted someone great like you and someone who overgave and you said no to those blessings. Really sit down and think about that and go, wow, I push it away. Think about how many times you figure stuff out because you were on the edge. Do you want to keep on living on the edge? And no, you don't have to give to the point of exhaustion to be a good person.

Dr. Donna:

Many things make people a good person, but we all have different definitions of what is a good person, but don't get caught up in that. You know you don't have to give and give to be worthy of being called a good person. And remember, the universe is trying to show you that you don't have to give to the point of exhaustion In order to be taken care of. Just by saying yes to yourself more and no to others more, you're coming to balance and that's how you do better. You're coming to balance and that's how you do better. And I have a worksheet, a free guide 21 pages on how to be a balance giver and receiver, and there are worksheets and notes and it's great information. I will have a link in this podcast and I want to leave you with this how can you over give less to others and start giving to yourself more? Think about it and thank you for listening and have a great day.