Before I had really discovered who I was, I felt like sex was really hard and it was something that was not integral part of my marriage. It was something that was one more thing on my to-do list.
I know that for so many of us right now, there will be times when we get into those slumps or the funks. When you are exhausted by all the things, how can you still have a good sexual relationship with your husband or partner?
On this episode, together with Amanda Louder, we address the weariness that motherhood can bring to the bedroom. We share heartfelt stories and Amanda shares expert insights into reigniting that all-important spark, even when your energy reserves feel utterly depleted.
This is an episode you don't want to miss.
What you'll learn in this episode:
Amanda's Bio:
Amanda Louder is a Certified Sex & Marriage Coach who helps Christian men & women overcome their obstacles to create a more emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically intimate relationship. She is also the host of the Sex for Saints Podcast which has over 1.4 Million Downloads.
In addition to being a coach, Amanda is also a wife to Kevin, and mom and step-mom to 5 kids, ranging in age from 15-24. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, watching her kids play sports, fishing, and camping.
Featured on the Show:
Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books
How to Connect with Lara:
Web: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/j.lara.johnson/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/larajohnsoncoaching
Work with Lara: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com/work-with-me/
Before I had really discovered who I was, I felt like sex was really hard and it was something that was not integral part of my marriage. It was something that was one more thing on my to-do list.
I know that for so many of us right now, there will be times when we get into those slumps or the funks. When you are exhausted by all the things, how can you still have a good sexual relationship with your husband or partner?
On this episode, together with Amanda Louder, we address the weariness that motherhood can bring to the bedroom. We share heartfelt stories and Amanda shares expert insights into reigniting that all-important spark, even when your energy reserves feel utterly depleted.
This is an episode you don't want to miss.
What you'll learn in this episode:
Amanda's Bio:
Amanda Louder is a Certified Sex & Marriage Coach who helps Christian men & women overcome their obstacles to create a more emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically intimate relationship. She is also the host of the Sex for Saints Podcast which has over 1.4 Million Downloads.
In addition to being a coach, Amanda is also a wife to Kevin, and mom and step-mom to 5 kids, ranging in age from 15-24. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, watching her kids play sports, fishing, and camping.
Featured on the Show:
Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books
How to Connect with Lara:
Web: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/j.lara.johnson/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/larajohnsoncoaching
Work with Lara: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com/work-with-me/
Welcome to the Mom On Purpose podcast. I'm Lara Johnson, and I'm here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, play more with your kids, manage your home better, get your to do list done and live your life on purpose. With my proven method, this is possible for you, and I'll show you how.
You're not alone anymore. We're in this together.
Lara
Welcome back to the Mom On Purpose podcast. I'm so excited to have a very special guest for you today. This is Amanda Louder, and, Amanda, I think I have listened to your podcast for years.
I love your podcast because it's on one of my most favorite subjects, and so this I wanted to just kind of introduce as a really fun episode, but probably not one that you're going to have on the speaker in your car as you're driving with your kids, because we are talking about sex. So, just something I want you all to be aware of as you are listening to this.
You know, I know that a lot of you listen as your kids are around, but, like I mentioned, sex is one of my favorite things to talk about because I love it.
I do. Good, I love it and I want to make sure that we're creating a safe place on wherever you're at and whatever thoughts and feelings you have about sex in your relationship or past relationships or any of that right now.
So, one of the things that I wanted to talk with Amanda about and I'll give her just a second to kind of introduce herself and then we'll dive into it is, I know, for me when my older kids were younger. Before I really figured out what I wanted to be doing, before I had really discovered who I was, I felt like sex was really hard and it was something that was not integral part of my marriage. It was something that was one more thing on my to-do list and I found that the more I awoken who I was, the more fun sex became.
But I know that so many of us right now and even now there will be times that I still get into those slumps or the funks. So, we really wanted to spend some time talking about that time period of like. When you are exhausted by all these things, how can you still have a good sexual relationship with your husband, partner, boyfriend, whatever that is? So, Amanda, welcome, do you want to introduce yourself to all of us?
Amanda
Yes, I'm Amanda Louder. I have been coaching for six years and I coach on sex and marriage. That's what I love. That's what I talk about all day, every day. Outside of coaching, I say my life revolves around sex, softball and salmon. That's my three S.
So, I have five kids and my middle daughter plays college softball. So, my life has revolved around softball and her schedule for a very long time. And now we're in this exciting stage where it's all paying off and she's getting college completely paid for by softball.
So that's really fun. And then, when we are not doing softball, on the weekends, my husband is a huge fisherman. We also own a fishing tackle company, and we fish for salmon in our Utah area lakes. So, we get on our boat and we're out on the boat all day and we camp, and we fish and have so much fun.
So, sex, salmon and softball. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We're a blended family with second marriage for both of us. We have five kids, 15 to 24. And yeah, I just love him to pieces. So that's me.
Lara
I love it, I love it. So, what school does your daughter play for? I don't think I asked you that.
Amanda
So, she plays for the College of Southern Idaho. So, it's in Twin Falls.
Lara
Okay, yeah, so yeah you, even just to go see a home game, you're driving.
Yeah, three hours and 15 minutes to go to the door. You're a committed mom. Yes, I think that's so perfect because you know whether your kids are little or whether they're in college, there are still opportunities to be totally exhausted because you're doing all the things.
Yes, you're in a very different phase of life than somebody that's wiping their kids butts right now, but, yeah, they'll really can impact a marriage and your sexual relationships within America. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely, I mean we're literally right now.
Amanda
We're in the middle of conference play, so it's every single Friday and Saturday double headers from now through the middle of May, so about two and a half months of that.
And so, you know I'm gone every single weekend and so framing everything that I need to do in just a few days’ time and not have my weekends available to me to do other things. You know, it's definitely wearing and plays a big part in how I'm feeling at the time.
Lara
Yeah, so I think that's let's just go into like the introduction of all of it. How would you well tell me, like when clients are coming to you, what are the main things, the main concerns that moms have when they are exhausted and being able to have a good sexual relationship with their husband?
Amanda
Yeah, I think when we are so immersed in life and in our kids and the day to day right, we're not spending a lot of time connecting to our self, which is essential for a good sexual relationship.
I mean, you kind of touched on that and when you were talking about yours, like you know, in the earlier days, before you discovered who you were and what your purpose was, sex was hard, it was a chore, and that is how why so many women come to me, because it does feel just so hard, like a chore.
They feel obligated, they're so tired that doesn't help. They're feeling all this stress pulled in a million different directions trying to take care of their kids, but yet they you know, some of them want to have a good sexual relationship with their spouse, but they don't know how, because they have no desire from all of these things happening, or sometimes they really don't even care about it, but their spouse quote unquote needs it and so they feel like they have to do it and they don't want to.
And so, we kind of get both of those, like someone who does want to because they know it's important and they do want it, they just don't know how, and someone who really doesn't want to, and their husband is like no, you've got to figure this out.
Lara
So, let's start with the second one. For the latter one, can you tell us a little bit about you know the libido and kind of just the background behind, like what's happening in your physical body as you're changing, having kids, as you're moving into perimenopause, like all of those things that women go through, is a lot, and it definitely is a lot.
Definitely impacts how you show up in the bedroom, so I'm going to speak to that one. You know what happens when couples have different desires as far as frequency and all of that.
Amanda
Well, anytime we're talking about desire, we have to look at bio, psychosocial. So what's happening biologically, like we all have hormones, right and when we're having babies, or even just like normal periods or breastfeeding, or moving into perimenopause and menopause, like hormones are constantly fluctuating and so if we're looking at desire strictly from a hormonal point of view, a biological point of view, testosterone and estrogen peak around ovulation and then again right before menstruation, and those are the times that most women maybe feel a little biological desire.
Ok, and that's a good thing. Like your body is, you know, saying OK, we can get pregnant now, or we're not going to get pregnant because we're about to menstruate. So, it's OK, you know you can do this. So, your body has ways of doing it. We also have neurotransmitters and there's brain processes that happen, that control desire. So, there's a whole biological aspect. We have to look at what's happening there.
Are you on antidepressants? SSRI, heal libido, they just do, and for a lot of women they also cause inorgasmia. So even if you have sex, you might not be able to have an orgasm if you're on an SSRI. So, the biological part is really, really important and a lot of women feel like that is the only component that matters, like they're used, like I used to feel so horny all the time and now I never do.
My hormones must be off and yeah, we definitely need to look at that. But that is not the only factor. If you are only wanting sex based on a biological need, you're missing a huge component of it. It's not just about fulfilling a biological need, but an emotional need, a connecting, like we want that part and that doesn't need to be biological. So, ok, you can feel it maybe once or twice a month.
Now what? That's not going to cut it for most relationships, and I mean, if that works for the two of you, that's fine. But most couples it causes problems, right, and desire differences We'll talk about. But then we have to get into the psychological. What's going on for you emotionally? What's happening in your life?
Do you have a lot of stress in your life? What's happening in relationship dynamics, like, are you and your husband fighting or do you feel like all he cares about is sex? We have to look at your thoughts and your belief systems and your values around sexuality. So, the psychological plays into a lot of it.
And then the sociological what do you, what conditioning do you have around sex? What did you learn in your family? What did you learn in your religion? What did you learn in society at large? How do you feel about those things? All of that plays into women's desire.
Men, on the other hand, while it might play in for some, most of it doesn't, for some reason, like they just don't struggle with the same issues, and a lot of that has to do with their hormones, the testosterone being the biggest one.
So typically, men have about a thousand or about a hundred times the testosterone that a woman does A hundred times. So, on average, men have a thousand anagrams per deciliter of testosterone. Women at the age of 18 have 76. And by the time we're 40, it's half that.
So, if we are just looking at things from a biological perspective, then we're never going to have the same as a man. We just won't, and so and all of these other things play into it. So, if you're comparing yourself like thinking you should be like your husband, or your husband thinks you should be like him, that's not even true.
So, we really have to look at it from a female perspective and looking at it from the bio, psychosocial. That's why we always look at all those different things. And then I really wish that we knew that desire, discrepancies are a normal part of marriage and it's not just about sex.
We have desired discrepancies in all areas of our marriage. Like someone wants to buy a house more than the other, someone wants another baby more than the other, and they might be fairly close, or they could be huge. You know you, and when it comes to sex, you could have one spouse who wants sex, you know, once a week, or once a month, and another one who wants sex three times a week, or you know, seven times a month, or what, like you.
Just there's discrepancies, there just is. So how do we learn to navigate those discrepancies, which nobody taught us right, and then we start to play more into relationship dynamics and if it's causing problems and it just kind of just all feeds into each other, so we have to look at all of that. So, we have to look at all of that.
Lara
Yeah, I think all of that I love so much. And I remember hearing on one of your podcast episodes like how do you decide what the number is for your relationship? And remember you're saying it's probably more than the lower desire person and less than the higher desire person. You can kind of like meet in the middle. So how would a couple navigate those desire discrepancies that you talk about?
Amanda
Yeah, I think a really important part of any relationship is collaboration, and a lot of times we think about compromise, and compromise is not the same as collaboration, compromise. I really look at it as almost as a lose-lose situation. You're both giving up what you really want, and collaboration is more about looking at both. People's wants and desires are important.
So how do we come up with a solution that honors both of those? And so that might mean that you know the higher desire partner needs to, you know, work on self-soothing, manage their own libido in a way that is not taking it out on the lower desire partner, isn't punishing them, isn't pouting or whining or withdrawing from them. Maybe they need to, you know, work more on emotional connection, right, there's lots of things that they need to do.
And then the lower desire partner needs to again look at the biopsychosocial and what's happening and work on creating more desire. I mean, I'm sure your audience knows like our thoughts create our feelings right, and if we're feeling desire, it doesn't. It's not just about hormones, it's about creating that emotion with the way that we're thinking and stories that we tell ourselves.
And so, what stories are you telling yourself about your sexual relationship, about your marriage, about your husband? Are you saying like, oh, he doesn't really care about me, he only cares about sex, or like he just wants an orgasm. He doesn't care about mine.
What stories are you saying that are lowering the desire, and what stories can you tell yourself that are true, that you can believe, to actually create more desire and work on changing that and bringing that desire level up so you can find a collaborative solution between the two of you?
Lara
Yeah, I love, I love all of that because I think it's so important to be working together in that and okay, so let's go back and talk, you know, with that same thought on like collaborating. Let's go back to the mom where you mentioned. You know, being able to connect with yourself is what can help raise that desire.
But oftentimes, when we talk about self-care, I find that it becomes another to do list task that women aren't getting to. So, can you kind of expand a little bit on, or expand a little bit on, like how you connect with yourself without making it feel like the one more thing that you need to do?
Amanda
Yeah, I mean, I think you have to understand you're a person first before you were a mom. Right, motherhood is not just a role and like it's not who you are. It's not just a job, but it's about a relationship. And we have relationships with all the people in our lives, including ourselves.
So, nurturing just like you want to nurture that relationship with your kids, why you want to nurture that relationship with your spouse, nurturing that relationship with yourself is so, so important.
And I talk about it like in terms of intimacy, right, because we're thinking like sexual intimacy or emotional intimacy, but you have to have intimacy with yourself before you can even share that with that. So how do you build that in yourself? It's really understanding that you are valued and important.
And if your bucket is empty, you're going to have less, you're not going to be able to take care of your kids as well, you're not going to be able to have that connecting relationship with your spouse or your partner or your boyfriend. But really like, how can I fill my own bucket so that I can be more for the people that I love?
And so, it sometimes it needs to be on the checklist, sometimes it needs to be one of the things like no, this has to get done so that I can be a good mom, so that I can be a good partner, and really deciding what does that look like for me that fits into my value system, that works with my life, how can I get my partner on board if I have one to take over for the kids, so that I can connect with myself, which is going to make it easier for me to connect with him later?
And really deciding, like, what truly fills my bucket. Is it going for a walk in the evenings by yourself or as a couple or as a family? Is it reading a book in the bath? Is it going to be an exercise class? Is it going out with girlfriends for dinner one night so that you can be fully present with your kids the next night? Like, you get to figure out what that is.
But the more you fill your own bucket, it's going to be easier to be available in all the different areas of your life, and sometimes that means putting it on the calendar and putting it on the list because it needs to be done.
Lara
Yeah, I love that so much. One of the things that my husband and I have really tried to work on is taking turns being the quote-unquote default parent on the weekends when he's home, because I know that like for me, my self-care you know, I've got neurodivergent kids.
Sometimes it can be really challenging being able to go for a walk or out with girlfriends, but I get like fatigued by the kids asking me things Like they will walk past dad to come and ask me something. Yup, that can literally answer them.
So that's something that, like we've really tried on the weekends, instead of, you know, everybody thinking like what are we having on Saturday or Sunday, you know, after church, I'm like, well, there's another adult in this house, I don't have to be the one planning every meal, especially on the weekends, and being able to kind of just pass that off and even giving my husband a chance, like me asking him what are we having for dinner on Sunday and being dead quiet.
Yes, I'm amazed at how much I'm able to connect with myself because that one thing has been moved off my plate. So, I think, as we're and I love all the, all the suggestions that you have you kind of have to find what works for your family and really give yourself to be creative given the circumstances of your life. Everybody's self-care and connecting and having that intimacy with their selves. It will look so different day to day, year to year, relationship to relationship.
Amanda
For sure, for sure, and really finding what works for you is so, so important.
Lara
Yeah, the other thing we talk a lot about on the podcast is being able to discover your joy, like the things, that the very little, like drips of joy that just light you up, like it might be. Instead of your kids picking the song that you're playing on Alexa in the kitchen, you pick a song that you love, that reminds you who you used to be, and bringing that joy into your home as a way to connect to yourself. Do you have any suggestions on how to bring that joy into the bedroom more?
Amanda
I think it really is figuring out what you like, and sometimes that just takes experimenting and play. I mean, I think sex is where grownups play, that's. You know, we played dress up and like, pretend and all of these things like when we were kids. You can do that as adults too, and that's really where you get to be creative and have fun.
I think one thing that we I probably should have mentioned before when we were talking but I think it plays into this too is Eros energy. So, Eros energy is the energy of life. It's where we get our creativity and that joy and that fun, and it's I mean, it's where the term erotic comes from, because it plays into the bedroom as well.
But it's not just about the bedroom. Like I always say, when sex gets better, everything gets better, because you're using that Eros energy in all areas of your life. So, finding that creativity and that fun and that play within the bedroom really is tapping into that Eros energy. So, you can, you know, maybe you're into role play, maybe you're not. Maybe you're into games in the bedroom, maybe you're not.
Maybe it's about, you know, watching a movie together and just touching each other while you're doing it and moving things slowly, like I offer different things within, like on my podcast and in my program, like yes, no, maybe lists, where it gives you lots of ideas of what you might be into and you might want to try, but I think it's just about experimenting and having fun.
That's where joy comes from. I think joy really comes from creativity and fun, right, and so if the more that you can do that, the better. The problem is that many of us don't do that because it feels too vulnerable, too open, too scary, right, and like our brain is sending us all of these signals that like you can't do that, what if he thinks you're weird or unattractive or whatever?
Instead of just like I don't really care, let's just try it and see, because most of the time he's not going to carry it, or he wants to do it right along with you.
That our brain gets in the way quite a bit yeah.
Lara
Yeah, do you have any suggestions on when those conversations happen? You know, because I think sometimes when you're in that vulnerable situation where you're wanting to experiment, sometimes it's hard for it to happen in the moment. So, what can those conversations be taking place for a couple?
Amanda
Just outside the bedroom. Anytime.
Amanda
I love to have like couple check-ins every Sunday and we talk about different things, and I mean we talk about like scheduling and what we want to have this week, and that's also a good time to bring up like new things that we want to try or do for things, and then it's not like so vulnerable in the moment.
But I think it's also really important to you know be open to hearing your spouse's perspective, like why they want this, or they don't want this really having those conversations not taking it personally if that's not what they want, right, but being just open to having the conversations and being open to where your partner is.
And then you know, deciding if and when you want to implement it. And I think you know having some sexual scripts are really good. So, you know, discussing ahead of time okay, this is what I want it to look like tonight You're what you know be collaborative, like let's look at what my wants and desires are, what your wants and desires are, and come up with kind of a script that we want to play out.
Then you have both people's boundaries, both people are giving consent to what's going to be happening and it doesn't feel quite so open and vulnerable because you know exactly what's going to happen.
Lara
Yeah, I love that so much. And, you know, I think for women, and this is always a phrase that I hear is I'm not a light switch.
Amanda
I'm not a light switch.
Lara
I can't just get there just like that, you know, after you've been in like mom mode all day or you're working and then you come home to dinner, and you can't just flip that switch. And so that's one joke that my husband and I, when you know, we get to those times where we're like I don't know if we're in the mood.
We're like, well, as soon as we're naked we'll be in the mood, like we just have to take clothes off. So that's what I always like laugh with them. It's funny how a switch can be flipped as soon as that emotional like connection happens. And I find that when we both get to that spot where we can allow that emotional connection happened, it is pretty quick for both of us.
So, do you have any suggestions, you know, kind of like that, on how women can get into the mood after they've been kidding all day, like not like being with kids all day?
Amanda
Yeah, a lot of it is kind of prepping yourself, even when you're with kids all day, like I'll have my clients set up triggers for themselves to be thinking sexy thoughts. You know, maybe it's wearing some sexy underwear under your clothes all day to just kind of remind you.
Or you know, maybe it's every time I have to go to the pantry to grab a snack I'm going to think about my husband in a sexy way, or you know, just funny things like that. That's what's really going to prep your brain to get, so that your body can respond once you're there. And I think a lot of what you're describing is what we call responsive desire.
So, we often think about desire being very spontaneous, like it just appears out of nowhere, and that can happen for some people. It's more prevalent for men than it is for women, because they have all that testosterone, but for women most women tend to be more responsive desire, which means we respond to the context that has been being created.
So that means we have to create context, which means so your brain is constantly scanning to turn on or to turn off based on what is it is seeing, smelling, tasting, touching, hearing and imagining. That's important. So, if you are thinking sexy thoughts or fantasizing, your brain is going oh, this is good, okay, we can start to turn on.
So, and you can do that even while you're managing your kids, or even at the workplace or whatever. And maybe it's not like all day, every day, but can't like.
I have certain triggers that I set up even for myself where, like you know, I'm coaching with someone or I'm on an interview like this, and then I check in with my husband as soon as I'm done, right, and so we're texting and building that connection all day long, so that when he gets home, I already created that context.
And so, then I just need to be touched. Or, you know, see each other naked and we're there, right, but women need that context, and then we need to be willing to be touched. Between the context and the touch, that's when our arousal kicks in and then our desire kicks in. So often our desire doesn't kick in before, it kicks in after arousal. And if you know that, then you're going to be much more willing to create that arousal so that the desire will kick in.
Because how many times we're like no, I'm not in the mood, I'm not in the mood, and then you like, start to go and you're like oh, yes, I remember I do like this. This feels really good, right, that is totally responsive desire and that is how most women operate.
So can I think willingness is the key, willingness being intentional about being willing to try and get in the mood and like, if it doesn't happen, if you're, if that arousal and that desire doesn't kick in, it's okay to say you know what, I'm sorry, this is just, I'm really not feeling it tonight. Can we just, you know, cuddle or whatever instead? And sure, he might be disappointed?
That makes sense, because when you don't get something that you want, it's normal to be disappointed and you can just let him manage his own emotions, be empathetic towards it, but not go against what feels good and right for you and what's happening in your body.
Lara
Yeah, I love that. My husband and I used to play a game where we call it the 24-hour rule, where, like, if somebody you know initiated it and the other one just wasn't in the mood, it was a really hard day, it was really stressful and it was never like a pressure base like you had to do. It was more just, you know, playful and fun, like you're talking about.
Then we had 24 hours to be thinking sexy thoughts and to like, or you know, navigating that and fantasizing and, you know, being able to be more intentional, to get more in the mood for the next day. So that was always something fun that we just played for a long time, you know.
Amanda
Yeah, and you're right that sometimes we are just in a place where we just can't get there, and that's okay to recognizing it in yourself. But I think what you described is perfect, because if you can't make a plan to make it happen later, then the key is to actually follow through.
Now again, it shouldn't be high pressure, it shouldn't be like guilting the other person into it that's never a good thing but like, okay, now I've got 24 hours where I'm going to like intentionally, be thinking sexy thoughts and try to work into this, because this person matters to me, and our relationship matters to me and I want to have a good sexual relationship. So let me work to get myself there, because it's important.
Lara
Yeah, I love that. One of the things that you mentioned about the sociology you know, and it kind of just spurred a question when you were talking about the fantasizing. So many of us that grew up in a Christian culture, yeah, this was not good up until like a certain point and then it was fine.
So, even like the word fantasizing, even though I love sex, I love my husband, I can still feel in my body like, fantasizing, like, oh, like, am I allowed to do that? Like, of course, I am.
I'm a girl and I've been married for years, but it's, you know, even like that little trigger, it's still inside of me. So, can you just briefly speak on, like how do you work through some of the I don't know? Yes, yes, yeah, Like, how do you work through that? You know, anybody that's listening, that's starting that.
Amanda
So, I really like to even take it back to when you learned that that wasn't okay. So you know, many of us grew up in very conservative Christian households where we learned, like our thoughts you know shape and so like, don't even think about it, it's wrong, it's bad, sex is bad, all of that right, and I would turn that on its head that it is actually very normal to be thinking and feeling sexual things because we were created to be sexual beings.
Now how do you want to act on that? That is in alignment with your integrity and your value system. Well, my value system and everybody's different. So, it's I'm not saying mine should be yours, but was that I don't have sex until marriage, and so, even though it was normal and okay that I was doing this, I wasn't going to act on it because that would be outside of my value system.
So, it was never wrong, it was just not the right time. I don't think sex was ever bad or wrong. It just was not the right time within my value system and my integrity. So, if we can start to just shift, like how we learned about it and what's actually true, I mean, so what we didn't talk about was kind of my story. So, I grew up a lot like probably you did very conservative Christian home. Sex was not talked about very much, shamed.
When I got married the first time, I knew nothing about sex beyond basic intercourse. I didn't understand my body, I didn't understand how to orgasm or have pleasure. I mainly just did it for him and I really hated it for a very long time. And I didn't have an orgasm for about 12 years in our marriage.
And because I didn't, I was even afraid to just even touch my body and understand my body. And it's not for lack of trying. We definitely tried, but it just wasn't working and so our marriage was really struggling. And then we eventually got divorced. But I really was like, well, if I, maybe, if the sex gets better, then our relationship will get better, our marriage will get better. And so, this was years and years ago, before there was like coaches, like I wish I'd had me 12 years ago, but there wasn't even a lot on the internet back then.
Even so, it was really me like working through my sexual shame that I had from all of this conditioning and really starting to question the belief systems that I had about myself and my sexuality and my body and sex in general and reframe all these things that I learned, like you know what I understand where my parents and my church leaders and society was what they were doing.
They were trying to keep me safe they were, and but it was a very fear-based approach and that we know when fear is the driving feeling, the actions and the results are not going to be great, and so that's what I personally experienced. So, I had to start to rewire those belief systems. Like, even though I was taught this, I don't believe that. I don't think that was actually true.
I think sex is an amazing thing. There's just a time and a place for it. I think that sexual thoughts and fantasies are awesome. There was just a time and a place for it, and that started to shift things and work through finally had my first orgasm.
Sex actually got really good, but the marriage was still pretty bad, so we got divorced, but like with my second husband right, my husband Kevin. Now, like we've always had a great sexual relationship because I had worked through a lot of that and that's really what it takes is like examining your belief systems and your thoughts and the stories that you tell yourself about it and really starting to think new things on purpose.
Lara
I love that. Thank you for sharing that. I mean. I think that is so, so, so important. All of this has been so helpful. What can you do right now if you're not currently with someone, if you're a single mom, if you are dating but not sexually active, how can you still be building intimacy with yourself?
Amanda
Yeah, I mean really recognizing your own sexuality. Like your sexuality is not legitimized just because you're married, like you really have a relationship with it.
So, understanding your relationship to your sexuality is really important, which is you know how you're thinking about it, like what are your belief systems, and then integrating it into a way that is in alignment with your values. So, like I know this is kind of taboo, and especially in the conservative Christian world. I'm a big fan of masturbation.
If your value system is like just having sex within marriage, right it's, but it's really can be very meditative, very self-soothing, pleasurable, like I mean, we're meant to experience our bodies. So, I think it can help reduce anxiety, help with relaxation and really just I mean, when you don't have a partner, or even if you do and you choose to engage with it, it can really just be a way to connect with yourself and I think it can be a really beautiful thing, depending on you know your value system and what you do with it.
I'm never one that says something is good or bad. I think it really just depends on the relationship that you have with it and the results that you create with it. That's how we know if it's working for us or not is the results that we create. So, you know, is this something that produces goodness in your life, or is it something that is not good for you? And that is totally a personal decision. But I think it can be a really great way to interact with your sexuality.
Lara
And I think it was at one point, I said this to my husband you know, after I had some babies, and you know there are views that husbands get that we don't get when we're having babies.
And I remember saying to him I'm like you've seen parts of my body I have never seen before. And I remember stopping and thinking like that's kind of weird, like what haven't I ever looked down there? A whole room of doctors look down there, but I've never looked down there, and that was after we'd been married a long time.
And I think that goes back to that sociological way that, like you don't explore your body, you don't learn about those things. That's not like you might learn about it in middle school health class, but outside of that it's not okay. So that was one thing that I really appreciate that you do openly talk about like getting to know your own body, and that's a very vulnerable but a very it can be such a sacred, I think experience on like getting to know your physical body as much as you know your spiritual side.
Amanda
Yeah, I mean, I think our bodies are such a gift they are and like. I think they are the vehicles to help us become who we're supposed to become and be who we're supposed to be and like. If we are suppressing a certain part of ourselves, then we are not whole and we are not in integrity with ourselves. And so really using that as a vehicle to become whole, I think it's really good.
Lara
Yeah, and I love that you kept mentioning like your value base, like whatever that value is like, whatever it looks like, like we talked about every relationship so different. Even every person's relationship with themselves will be different. But if you find that you are constantly suppressing, really look at some of the beliefs you grew up with and decide if you want to change your value system. I think for me it was a big deal.
I think at some point we're going to have to just do a whole other episode on like hygiene. Yeah, I feel like that's something that's so important when it comes to like us as moms. But you do have a podcast. You do talk about those things on your podcast, so can you tell us a little bit about where any listeners can find you and more about your podcast?
Amanda
Yeah, so my podcast is called Sex for Saints, so I'm talking literally about everything when it comes to sex. I do not mince words, I don't hold back, no, and I love that, but it's very. It comes from my lens of very conservative Christian values, so there's a lot of sex podcasts out there that are outside of my value system.
I didn't see a lot within my value system, and that's one of the reasons why I created my podcast, because I wanted people who have who tend to have more conservative values, still have a place to go to get education and help, and so that's where I and that can be found on all podcast apps. You can also find me on Instagram @ChristianSexCoach. Again, I talk about pretty much everything on there as well, so that's really fun. And then my website is amandalouder.com. I have a membership for women, and then I do one-on-one couples coaching and I also hold couples and women's retreats every year.
Lara
I love that and I'll make sure all of that's linked in the show notes, yeah, so they can find you. Well, thank you so much for this amazing interview. I am so excited for everybody to have some more creativity and fun in the bedroom.
Amanda
Thank you so much for having me.
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