Welcome to the Mom On Purpose podcast. I'm Lara Johnson, and I'm here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, play more with your kids, manage your home better, get your to do list done and live your life on purpose. With my proven method, this is possible for you, and I'll show you how.
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Hello, thank you for coming back today because we are diving into part two, learning the skill of celebrating yourself. So, if you haven't listened to the first part of this, I'd recommend that you do. You'll still get a ton out of this episode, but we do talk about the ways that you'll know if you need to practice this skill. I would say everyone needs to practice this skill, just to be clear.
But if you're really wanting to take a self-inventory, I would go back and listen to that other episode, because I do dive into some of the ways, some of the concrete ways and examples on how you'll know that you really need to deliberately be practicing the skill. And I do call it a skill because I believe celebrating ourselves is not something that comes natural to most of us. It's for sure something that we're not taught as women.
And we kind of get to this spot where if we do start celebrating ourselves, then we start feeling like we're being proud or arrogant or overly confident and it turns people off. So, then we start trying to balance this weird line in between and never actually celebrating ourselves, we're just trying to make sure we're not being arrogant to other people. So, when I talk about, you know, in past episodes I talk about the decision-making cycle.
That's the cycle that we go through whenever we're making a decisions, when we're working through goals. We make some kind of decision; we go to implement it and then the third step of that is to celebrate and evaluate. It's not to evaluate and then celebrate, and that's very deliberate that I put celebration first, because so many of us want to wait and see the result of something before we actually celebrate it.
Now, part of celebrating yourself is learning to celebrate the efforts you are putting out there into the world, because that is how you are moving towards your purpose. And if you're not feeling that celebration, you will start to sabotage any progress that you are making within yourself or anything that you're putting out into the world. That is why you have to learn and practice this skill on a regular basis. So, let's talk more about like what this is.
So, we talk a lot about the model that's what I use in my coaching, the model being we call it CT far where we have our circumstances in our life and then we start having thoughts about those circumstances. Those thoughts create some kind of feeling within our body and we start acting based on that feeling that we have, and those actions or inactions will create some kind of result or outcome.
It's very high level what the model is. I always want to add a caveat on that, that the model isn't perfect. There are times where you can enter the model at different places. You don't always start at the top. Sometimes your body has feelings first and then you start having thoughts about those feelings. You can kind of like think of the model more as like a sliding scale and there's all these different entry points of it at all times.
So, when we're thinking about celebration and we're talking about celebration, for the most part people are talking about the actions or the results of the celebration. So that might be some big event that they have. You know, I think of graduation, like that is a big celebration. You go and everybody's there together and you're listening to speakers, and you walk across the stage.
That is a big event. It's very concrete in your mind. It's very different than your day-to-day life. Okay, that's a big event, celebration, which might be the result.
Now, the problem with this and the way we currently think about celebrations is that day to day life doesn't have those big events in there. And if it did over time, it would lose the excitement of it. You know, it's the same thing that we tell our kids after Christmas, when they're all sad. They have the after Christmas letdown where they have to wait a whole year before Christmas comes again and they wish that Christmas was every day. And what do we tell them?
Christmas was every day; it wouldn't be as exciting to get presents every day. It's because it's so. It's only once a year. It becomes so enjoyable, which is true when you are talking about big events, but when we are talking about the skill of celebration, this becomes the fuel for your everyday life. Without this skill, you lack the fuel to keep going and people become very discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed by the monotony of everyday life.
That is why the skill is so critical to learn. In addition to that, you are not going to have that fuel for you. You will also start sabotaging yourself and I talked about this on the last one that any progress you do start making, any fuel you do give, if you don't understand and practice the skill of celebration, you'll actually revert back to your old thoughts and behaviors. Revert back to your old thoughts and behaviors.
So, when, as I go into this and, as we're talking about it with regards to the model, we're going to talk about celebration and how it can go into different places in the model. Again, we're going to use this as like a sliding scale. This is like model 2.0.
So, let's first talk about the circumstance of celebration. So, a circumstance is just a fact in the world that can be proven. It's like the temperature outside. You can look at a thermometer and say that it would be like someone passed away and there's a death certificate, like it is very concrete, that everybody can see and agree on and that it can be proven in a court of law.
That's, you know, the overall way I explain it. So, when we're talking about celebration, and we're talking about it in regard to a circumstance, that might be something else that someone says to you. That is, some words that they put together into a sentence. That becomes your circumstance. So, what does this look like?
With regards to celebration, it is very easy for someone to compliment you and you disregard it or push it away, or you feel the dopamine hit like the emotional spike in positivity, but it doesn't last very long and over time it becomes not enough and you need more and more compliments from someone else. That would be an example of where celebration could go in the C line or the circumstance line.
Now, the reason why it becomes not enough, or it doesn't last long enough, or you deflect whatever that is or you downplay it, is because your thoughts and your feelings aren't accustomed or practiced in the skill of celebration. So that moves us into our thoughts.
Our thoughts are sentences that our brain creates over time and then it scans the world for evidence to create it as like a factual thought. It's like our thoughts become core beliefs, even though they're just sentences we've practiced over time. The way it is stored in our brain is fact and it feels so real.
I always laugh with my clients, like you'll know, when something's a thought because it doesn't pass Like when you look at it and it doesn't pass as a circumstance, like all the criteria to be a circumstance, you know logically it's a thought, but your body feels like it's factual. Okay, that is where you have to, like, take a crowbar to some of your core beliefs to just prove to your brain that that's not a fact.
Okay, so at this point, this is where you start to notice your brain and start to understand why are you deflecting, downplaying, or you're not able to really celebrate yourself. It comes back to the beliefs you have about yourself.
So here is where we get to start spending time you know I spend a lot of time with my clients on this to where we get to start spending time and you know I spend a lot of time with my clients on this to where we start to understand what is it about your beliefs that wants to downplay it, like why don't you want to give yourself credit for the hard work that you're doing?
A very common thing here, when we're looking at our thoughts of celebration, are we want to tell ourselves, whatever we're doing, it's not a big deal, it's not that I've graduated from college, I ran a marathon, I started a business, like those are such big, concrete things. But when we're looking at the day-to-day stuff, yeah, like we're not going to be doing a marathon every single day, but yet our brain will only want to celebrate if we do something like that, something on that magnitude.
So that's one of the very first things that I see in my clients. All the time is their brain will downplay the things that they're doing, so they can't celebrate it honestly.
So, there was a time where I was coaching one of my clients and she has shared this story before, so I know she's comfortable with me sharing it. I interviewed her a long time ago on the podcast. Um, her name is Aubrey. Highly recommend scrolling back through and finding that she is incredible.
But I remember one of her coaching calls where she was so overwhelmed by everything, and she just kept her brain kept telling her the thought that like she didn't get anything done and she had so much to do so I could have told her until I was blue in the face how amazing she was. I know her brain would have outright rejected it and I did. I did tell her how amazing she is, and I do. I still do because she is amazing. But I remember at the time I said, okay, let's trace back, tell me everything you've done today. And we went into the nitty gritty details of the day, and we got to the end, and she said, wow, I actually did a lot today.
I was like, isn't that crazy when you actually sit down and look at everything that's happening, your brain just discredited all of those things and told yourself it wasn't a big deal. But those are a big deal. Those are the day-to-day things that require so much time and energy, and you get to celebrate every single one of those. You show up and you get your kids to school. That is a big deal. I hope you're celebrating yourself.
You cook dinner that day or you provide food in some way for your family. That might be a bowl of cereal that might be eating out. You ensured that your children were fed that day, way to go, and I really want you to give yourself permission to view these things, these day-to-day things, as big of a deal as running a marathon, because this is the stuff, this is the good stuff in your brain that is going to give you that fuel and you start practicing that skill.
Now this is where it gets really tricky, okay, when we're talking about the model and learning, the skill of celebration is because your brain can tell you all these great things like way to go, you put pants on today, but if you don't actually believe it, that's because there's some emotional work to do when it comes to the skill of celebration, which leads us to what we call the F line or the feeling line.
I also call it the emotional line, and we talk a lot about processing emotions in coaching, in my coaching program at least and I try and bring that up a lot on the podcast because I truly believe this is like the key to the universe, to all things in your future, is being able to know and understand your emotional wellbeing and being able to process it. Now to our brain. There are no good and bad emotions. There are strong emotions, there are vibrations within our body and then our thoughts will label it good or bad.
The interesting thing here is that most people, when they get to the peak of the wave of the emotion so imagine like a wave coming on and then coming down, or you can imagine a contraction like coming up and coming down, or a bell curve Every single person's body. When you get to that very peak of that wave, that is your most vulnerable emotional state and when you get to that immediately your brain will start fighting against it to get you out of it because it feels scary to be there. This is very clear.
When we're talking about negative emotions quote unquote negative emotions you know we label them negative. So, when we're talking about grief, for example, or anger or any of these things, when you sit and actually feel it, it feels like you are going to die. What is fascinating is that that exact same wave exists with positive emotions, a feeling of like being calm or accomplished or proud or joyful.
When that wave starts to come on, you will get to that very peak, and your brain will start coming up with all these different ways to get you out of that. This is why it's hard for our brains to think about the things we're doing as a big deal, because our emotional state is unaccustomed to feeling a strong sensation in that way.
I remember the very first time that this really hit me strong, and it wasn't, it didn't come from me, it came from one of my clients. So, we were talking about processing negative emotions, and I was checking in with her the following week with her you know how did it go, feeling your emotions and she said you know what was so interesting, Lara?
She said I was sitting with my kids, and I was watching a movie, and I was happy, and we were snuggling together. And then this part came in the movie where it was really heartfelt and suddenly, I started feeling this wave of emotion come up. It was like I could feel that in my throat where, like, my throat started to constrict a little bit and I was feeling so good, and I kept pushing it down and pushing it down.
And then I remembered our conversation that we need to process those emotions. And she said to me I didn't realize that I would push away positive emotions and it was like the like this big aha moment and I was like you are 1000% right.
It is scary for us to feel positive emotions when we are the happiest. Our brain will start bringing up the craziest scenarios everywhere. You're like where did that come from? You know, people will often describe this as like a shoe dropping, like they're waiting for the next shoe to drop. When they're feeling good, their brain is okay, this is too good to be true, something bad is coming. Used to have that all the time.
So, when we get to this spot, when we're learning the skill of celebration, is it's important that we have to know how to process a positive emotion.
So for me and what I teach my clients and I hope that you'll take this and practice it as well is I want something that's very concrete and very different than my day-to-day stuff, like I can go day-to-day and be like, yeah, way to go, and then move on and not give you know two thoughts anymore to it. So, for me, it's something that I want to pause and really think about.
So, what I do is I take my hand and I put it on my heart and I just kind of sit there for a second taking some deep breaths. And as I'm taking deep breaths, I'm just talking to myself very calmly and I'm just saying, wow, I am really proud of you. And my brain will respond like, oh, I didn't do anything today and I'll just stay with it.
And I say, okay, I recognize that that's what you think, but here are some of the things that I saw that I'm proud of you for doing. You showed up for your kids. Instead of snapping at them over and over, you snapped at them once and then you shifted and sat down on the ground and gave them a hug instead.
And then your brain will come back and be like, oh well, this person does it better, or this wasn't that big of a deal, and you just say, it's okay, that's okay that you don't think it's a big deal. I actually disagree and I do think it's a big deal, okay. So, you're going to have this back and forth between, like, your heart and soul and your brain.
Okay, where you're going to have this conversation, keep your hand on your heart because it helps you, like, ground yourself, that this is a different kind of conversation. This is different than the day-to-day self-talk.
This is you practicing the skill of celebration. So, then you'll get to some point with your hand on your heart or you've gone back and forth, and your brain will slowly start to subside, and you'll feel that shift and then you can start talking to your brain and talking to your body.
I'm like you know what, I am proud, I am proud of you and I just want to sit and feel this emotion and it will start to grow and grow and grow on your inside where, all of a sudden, it feels like this yellow, like warmth, is starting to fill your soul. That is the skill of celebration. That is the feeling that I want you to practice over and over. It will feel weird, it will feel awkward, you will not want to do it, you may forget to do it, I don't care if you can do it once a week. That's once a week more than you did last week.
That is, you are practicing that skill already. So, as you get to this point, that's where you really start practicing the skill of celebration. There will be waves of positive emotions that come on. You might feel proud of yourself, you might feel accomplished, you might feel just very joyful or very peaceful and calm, and during this time and as you're feeling this, you use it also as an invitation to pray to God, to really like, thank him for these things and express that gratitude to him. It can be such a spiritual experience for you as well. So that's the main part that I want you to focus on when we're talking about celebration.
With regards to the model, the very last thing that I want to just mention is when we get to our action line or our result line, there are things that are okay. I'm never saying that you can't have some big event, you can't treat yourself to dinner or something.
I just want you to practice this skill first and then make some decisions. So those decisions are based on love and not the like, gritty, determined, like, oh, like. I deserve this kind of feeling that your body can have.
The other thing that I'll say when it comes to our A-line, the actions or our results, is find someone I call them like your safe person. Find someone that's a safe person for you, that you can practice celebrating with, that. You can tell them the amazing things that you did, so that you are acknowledging it to someone else.
You can think about these feelings all day, yes, but there's something very powerful about telling someone else about how proud you are of yourself or the cool thing that you did being able to celebrate with them. For some people, that safe person may not be a spouse. It may not even be a family member. It may be a friend, and that's okay. There are so many things that we can judge ourselves on.
Don't judge yourself on who you feel safe with. Just trust that you feel safe with someone and ask them is it okay if I tell you some of the great things that I'm doing because I want to practice celebrating myself? So really spend some time with that. The other thing that I will say is spend some time with that.
The other thing that I will say, and I see this a lot in when clients bring up marriage or anything like that sometimes in the coaching space, we get so clear that because we can meet our own needs, we don't need to ask other people to meet our needs. Again, I want to be very clear that, yes, it is important for us to practice our skill of celebration and meeting our own emotional needs in that way. It is not the only thing.
It is very important for you to also be able to communicate your needs and desires to other people. If you're always placing what they say about you first and foremost, that's a different conversation. But it is good to have someone like your spouse or a parent or somebody you know, a professor or a boss. It's okay to want to have them, you know, give you accolades and tell you that they're proud of you.
That's a good thing. And the more you start to feel and understand what you're doing, the less you feel like you're having to pine and the more effective you can have that conversation with them being like you know what.
I would love you to thank me for the hard work that I did today in our home and for our family. So, I remember at one point, husband was we're having this conversation, and I was communicating this to him and he's like what do you want me to say? And I was like you know what? Actually, what I would love for you to say is thank you for advocating for our children in the school system.
It just it was like uh, okay, so you weight passed or whatever. And I was talking about some of the IEP and 504 meetings and the back and forth I've been having with professionals and with the school and all these things for my kids, and he just kind of paused and he looked at me. He goes thank you for advocating for our children in the school districts, the school system.
I just burst out laughing. I was like, yes, actually, that feels so good for you to say that to me. Okay, so it's okay to help and invite those things. That's never a bad thing. My invitation for you, as you're practicing the skill of celebration, is making sure that you are also saying these things to yourself and feeling that emotional wave, without discrediting it or pushing it away, and then start having those conversations with the people you love in your life. So, there you have it.
There is the skill of celebration. I hope you take this and run with this, because this is one of the most life-changing lessons that I can ever teach you. Have a wonderful week.
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