Learn about how quitting can be a good thing and how starting over can lead to a happier life as we welcome the amazing Goli Kalkhoran from Lessons from a Quitter podcast.
The constant push to hustle often blinds us to our own well-being, yet recognizing the need to step back is a skill in itself. It's important to know when to slow down to think about what we really want.
Goli guides us through making hard choices, like knowing when to give up on a dream. We talk about the scary and unsure feelings that come with making changes and share tips to help you trust yourself again and feel sure of yourself.
By the end, you will have the tools you need to handle changes and make choices that lead to new, happy beginnings that fit well with your life.
What you'll learn in this episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books
How to Connect with Lara:
Web: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/j.lara.johnson/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/larajohnsoncoaching
Work with Lara: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com/work-with-me/
Learn about how quitting can be a good thing and how starting over can lead to a happier life as we welcome the amazing Goli Kalkhoran from Lessons from a Quitter podcast.
The constant push to hustle often blinds us to our own well-being, yet recognizing the need to step back is a skill in itself. It's important to know when to slow down to think about what we really want.
Goli guides us through making hard choices, like knowing when to give up on a dream. We talk about the scary and unsure feelings that come with making changes and share tips to help you trust yourself again and feel sure of yourself.
By the end, you will have the tools you need to handle changes and make choices that lead to new, happy beginnings that fit well with your life.
What you'll learn in this episode:
Featured on the Show:
Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books
How to Connect with Lara:
Web: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/j.lara.johnson/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/larajohnsoncoaching
Work with Lara: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com/work-with-me/
Welcome to the Mom on Purpose podcast. I'm Lara Johnson and I'm here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, play more with your kids, manage your home better, get your to-do list done and live your life on purpose. With my proven method, this is possible for you, and I'll show you how. You're not alone anymore. We're in this together.
All right! Welcome back to the Mom On Purpose podcast.
I hope you've been having a good time with our interview series, as I've brought people on to share their wisdom because, oh my gosh, I know so many amazing women, which I am joined today with another amazing woman, goalie. She is here with us today and she has a podcast called lessons from a quitter, and I'm going to have her tell you her story because it's amazing and super fascinating and I think so many of us can relate to what she's going to share. Um, because I know that when we start moving towards things, sometimes you don't know if you should keep working hard at something or if it's time to reevaluate and step away from that thing and give up and try something different, which is why, goalie, this is her area of expertise, because I think we all need to hear this, so welcome to the podcast.
Goli
Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I'm so excited to be here.
Lara
Yeah, we're going to have so much fun. So, tell us a little bit about you and your story so that moms can understand where you come from.
Goli
Sure. So, like a lot of people, I was kind of your quintessential type A person who put my head down, did what I was supposed to do, checked off all the boxes, became, quote unquote, successful. I sort of decided at a young age I was going to be a lawyer and I never looked back. I like did all the things I needed to do, I went to good schools, I got good grades, I ended up going to a really great law school, became a lawyer and found myself absolutely miserable and was like I hate this and I have spent my whole life working towards this thing and I'm here and it doesn't fulfill me. And then, beyond that, like it was making me very anxious and just unhappy, really miserable. And it took me seven years I mean; I worked as a lawyer for seven years before I really got to the point. And you know it was when my son came along, when I had my son, that I was like I can't do this anymore. I can't work like this. I can't do something I hate for the rest of my life. I have another, like 35 years I'm going to work, or another, you know, or however much longer I'm going to live and like this is not the way I want to live, and so you know that decision took me a really long time to get to.
It wasn't as easy as this, like I really grappled with this decision for years and then I finally left the law in 2014 and I was just like I need to figure out another way and I wish I had a plan, I wish I knew more. I wish I knew all the mindset work I had then I didn't. I felt spent. I call them my lost years. I spent a lot of years in shame and thinking I was a failure and feeling really lonely and feeling like I was the only one that couldn't hack it as a lawyer or whatever you know my brain wanted to tell me and through that process I started my first business and I really started rediscovering who I was and what I wanted when I wasn't doing what everybody else thought I should be doing. It was the first time in my life that I really went counter-cultural, counter what my family thought, what society thought. I went against the quote-unquote successful path, and it really liberated me. It was the thing that really helped me kind of come back to myself and along the way, I learned a lot of these mindset tools for myself to kind of learn how to manage my own thoughts around this and my own shame and my own guilt and all this the stuff I was dealing with, while also figuring out what I wanted to do.
Fast forward, I ended up starting this podcast in 2018, called Lessons from a Quitter, because I really wanted to have this conversation about like, why can't we quit things that are no longer serving us?
Like, what if we know this is not for me? Why would I stay? Like, our society has such a way of only defining success by longevity. Like, it doesn't matter if your marriage is miserable, like, if it's, if you're together for 30 years, then it's successful. Right, like, but why is that how we define success? Right, whether it's your career, whether it's relationships, whatever it is.
What if we could start realizing, like, of course, I'm not going to be the same person I was when I was 22.
Of course, I'm going to change and want different things.
Of course, in different chapters in my life, especially when I have kids, when I have a family, it's going to be a different calculation for me, and so I started the podcast, really just wanting to have that conversation, like, talking to people that had quit and started over and did other things and it's grown from there. I became a life coach and then a master certified life coach and I've now created this community, a membership that I have called the Quitters Club, and it's really for people who are really in this kind of crossroads and are, you know, did all the things, checked off all the boxes and ever like this isn't what I want for my life. There's so much more and I don't know what that is and I feel really lost. And so, I help them kind of figure out what do they want to quit, what they want to keep, how they want to like move through this transition, and kind of teaching them how to start doing that and how to start like creating that life that they actually want to live.
Lara
I love that you use the word quit because it has such a negative connotation in our culture. Like even you saying quitting even though I know like you're moving on it's a good thing I can feel like a visceral reaction in my body. So, I love that you use that as like a really powerful word and not something that's so negative.
Goli
Yeah, I do that. I mean, I obviously do that very intentionally and I really want to change the connotation of that word, like it is obviously a little bit tongue in cheek, but really, it's like it's so absurd that it's a negative word. You know, and you're right, like we have this hustle culture that is like breeded us to and programmed us to like push at all costs and it doesn't matter what your body's going through and it doesn't matter how miserable you are, and it's like the only thing is success and the finish line and all of that. It's so harmful, right, and so many of us have done that. And really, it's like what is the point of success If you're miserable, if you hate your life like what is the point of that?
And so, really, I wanted to embrace this idea of quitting, of knowing yourself enough to say like hey, I tried this and it's not for me, or something else has now come in the way, or I just don't want to do it anymore, you know, and like, can that be allowed? And I really didn't want to shy away because so many people are so scared of like. Then they want to like dress it up in flowery language and I, like you know this is a pivot and whatever to make yours, and I'm like, no, let's just call it what it is.
Lara
I'm quitting the law and I'm moving on to something else and that's okay and there's nothing wrong with that. There's no shame in that. And so, I really do want to destigmatize that word, yeah, and I'm so appreciative that you do, because it is such a huge need for all of us, because we've all gotten to that fork in the road and we feel so much shame and guilt, like you mentioned. Yeah, so let's start with just the decision part, like, say, you're doing something, and you can feel like there's something like out of alignment inside of you. Maybe you're miserable, but maybe you just feel like there's something more. We talked about that on the podcast. Talk to us about that decision and how you actually make that decision when you feel that.
Goli
Like with the decision to actually leave or the decision to explore more.
Lara
I think both.
Goli
Yeah, I think there has to be a time when you allow yourself to explore. So, I think it doesn't necessarily. A lot of what I work with people is like it really never has to be all or nothing and it doesn't have to be these really like I'm going to jump ship and it's I have to completely overthrow everything in my life. I actually really don't recommend that because it creates so much stress and it's like there are a lot of ways to baby step this stuff into you know, into really learning about yourself, and unfortunately for most of us, especially women, especially moms most of us don't know who we are anymore because we have spent so long being everything to everybody else or being everything that society told us we have to be right. So it's like we've just spent so long suppressing our own needs, suppressing our own desires, suppressing our own wants, that we don't know what we want, and so what I really work with people a lot in the beginning is like when you're feeling that discontent, that's a really good sign, okay. Like it's not, I know we wish it wasn't there, but it's simply an arrow into yourself, like there's a voice inside of you that's trying to say, like this isn't right, okay, and so now we have to start exploring that voice. That doesn't mean we have to make huge changes, it doesn't mean we have to quit our job tomorrow or that we have to, you know, but it does mean like, hey, can I get still? And instead of listening to everybody outside of me, really like go inward with, like, what is wrong? What am I missing? What else do I want more of? Am I lacking connection? Am I lacking, you know spontaneity? Am I lacking fun? Am I lacking joy? Am I lacking intellectual? You know the complexity in my life? What is it that I'm lacking? And the more I discover that, the more I let myself get curious about like, what do I want in this season? What do I want more of? The more I engage in those things, even outside of work, like I don't think the exploration necessarily needs to be like what's my next career. It's really like who am I? You know, who was I? What do I find fun? And it's fascinating. The more you lean into that, the more things become clear, the more you're like oh, I actually really have always loved this field and I really wish I could be in this field, but I didn't think it was possible. And that gives you more clues about, like, where do I want to go next?
But I think a lot of times what people do what I see and that people I work with that is a problem is we have some kind of pain and so and we don't really understand that pain that well yet and we're just kind of jumping from thing to thing hoping that something fixes it right.
We're like, well, maybe if I start a business, or maybe if I, you know, jump to this thing, or maybe if I quit this job and go to this, or maybe if I quit and just stay at home, but I don't even know what's missing yet. Like I don't really understand myself enough to know, like, what am I lacking in order to find something to fulfill that? And so, I always think, like, before you really make any outward changes, like take some time, whether that's and it could be six months, a year, it could be, it could be a while where we're like, let me just really rediscover who I am. And then I start getting answers like what is it that I want to do and how do I make that decision to finally decide to leave? Start getting answers like what is it that?
Lara
I want to do and how do I make that decision to finally decide to leave. I love that and I tell my clients a lot about how I used to have a hobby job Well, that's what I called it. Like it was my, it was my job, but I knew it wasn't my career. It wasn't the thing that like lit me up, but I was okay enough to continue it while I was exploring Totally. And I don't think my husband really knew how much I was exploring about myself and the things that light me up and the joy, because when I did tell him I was leaving and I was becoming a life coach, it seemed so sudden to him when in reality I was like, oh, this is like a four year process for me, you know, but it was so much internal stuff that like circumstances on the outside hadn't really changed except for the fact that I was happier.
Goli
Which is actually the best way to do it. I will say like not that you have to keep it from your husband or other people, but I think that for so many of us, especially so many women, like we're constantly trying to get other people's approval, so we're constantly talking about things and like what do you think? Do you think I should do this? And because we're so used to like someone else saying like oh, I don't know, that seems scary or dangerous or whatnot, or maybe you shouldn't do that, and I think when you've been so quiet and you're doing the work within yourself and you come up with this thing, and even for other people, it will seem like well, this is out of nowhere. And you're like no, no, no, this has been my choice, Like I've been thinking about this. Just because I don't talk about it all the time, or I don't need your permission to do it, it doesn't mean that it's like a sudden decision. It was the same thing for me.
When I started the podcast, my husband was just like why do you want to do it? Where is this, you know? And I was like so adamant of, like this is the topic I have to talk about, and because I had spent years working on this you know, word of quitting and my own shame and all of this stuff and like when I really wanted to do this coaching work, like he didn't really get really what was like coaching was and or any of that, but it was like, well, I knew more. Like no, this, I don't need to convince him, I don't need him to understand, this is what I want to do, it's for me and like that's the best. The first time in my life I had done that, because it had always been what other people wanted for me.
Lara
Yeah, I've had such a similar experience and I've watched my clients go through that so many times. I remember one client sharing with her husband a dream that she had, and I don't think he intentionally did it, but kind of said something like oh, like why would you want to do that? And then she felt so much shame on like oh, my gosh, like I shouldn't have this feeling. So being able to start to unwind can be really challenging when you're working with a partner.
Goli
Totally, and just not even partner, family, friends.
We talk about this a lot in my group where I don't think I'm not saying that you need to hide anything, but I think a lot of times when you have a new idea or when there's something that you're still exploring, you already don't have the confidence in it because it's new, right, it's something that's like you already have questions and I think it's okay sometimes to keep that close to your chest, like to not need again even to like push against this programming of like I need everyone else's opinion and approval before I do anything. But I think those ideas oftentimes need to be protected, because that's exactly what happens is you put it out there and they're doing it from love. They want to protect you, they want you.
You know we come from a society where the worst thing in the world is to fail at something. So, like they don't want you to fail. So, they, they're going to put all of their fears, all of their things like, oh well, now businesses don't. You know most businesses fail and you know there's already whatever they're going to say. And then you're going to take all those fears on and be like, oh, they're right, you know, and you, you kill the dream before it, even you know, has time to kind of bloom, and so I totally I've seen it so many times and I really do kind of advice people of like if you're not ready to handle that, where, like when they say it, and you can be like, yeah, you know it might fail, but I still want to do it Like if you're not at a place where you can kind of protect your own dream, then you don't need to talk to him about it with everybody, just keep it to yourself for a little bit.
Lara
Yes, I love that and to protect it, like you would your child. And I remember at one point my husband being like so confused but because, same thing, like he had no idea what coaching was. I'm five, six years in business and now he understands, but at the time I had just had my third baby and I had all these health complications, so I was in a wheelchair. He's like you're going to do what? And at that point, because I had done so much inner work, it was like I know you don't understand this, but I believe enough for the both of us. So, I need you just to borrow my belief for right now. And it really was one of like the best experiences for me as a woman being able to hold that space for both of our beliefs. And, of course, like he's supportive and he was understanding, he just didn't get it because people don't get her dreams.
Goli
I literally had the same exact conversation with my husband, and I think it's so rare for women and I and again I talk about this a lot in the sense of like when you go to your spouse or your family member, be really clear about what you're asking for them, because if you are asking for support, then you need to say it like that, right, exactly In the way of like, because otherwise it seems as though either like A, you're asking for permission or B, you're asking for them to kind of solve this problem for you. And I think that they do that in like, especially men. I feel like it's almost like you know, a lot of them have been raised in that way of like let me solve all your problems. So, they want to, you know, tell you all the things that could go wrong or make sure you understand. And I had the same exact conversation with my husband. I was like I because I had another business, I just had a baby too, I was going to start my big coaching business and he was just more of like you don't have the time, why are you starting this? As he was concerned. And I kept saying like, I said the same thing, like I know you don't understand, but right now, all I need is your support. You know, I don't need you to understand, I don't need you to get it, I don't need you to like know what I'm doing. I just need you to support me and not like actively tell me not to do this, because that's what? Like, I'm going to do it regardless and I would love to have your support. And that changed the whole conversation, and he was like all right, you got it. Whatever you need, like, I'll support you in this. And it was so wonderful for me to again stand.
I am I was that person that usually wanted everyone to agree with me and to give me permission and to tell me it was a you know, a good idea and that I was doing a good job. And it was so powerful for me to be like you know what. It's okay if he doesn't get it. It's okay if he doesn't understand, but I can tell him what I need from him. I can tell him, like I can't handle your doubts right now. So, like you, I don't need you to put your fear on me. So, just like, keep that to yourself and I'm going to do this regardless, regardless of what happens. So, I think it's such a powerful way to know, before you go into these conversations with family and friends, like what do I, what am I seeking from them? And like can I just tell them that so that they were on the same page?
Lara
Yeah, I think that's so important and being able to communicate with your, like your extended family, your parents, things like that. Those are really hard conversations and I remember at one point thinking like why don't they support me, why don't they see what I see? And I had to go back to the fact that, like it didn't matter if they saw it or not, I saw it and that's all that mattered.
Goli
Yeah.
Lara
And I love how you mentioned there were three things like sometimes they want to solve it for us and tell us all the things that could go wrong. Sometimes it seems like we're asking permission or their opinion on it. It's not that it's actually asking for support on. Just support me through this. Be there for me. Please don't put your doubts on me. I think that's such a perfect thing. Okay, think that's such a perfect thing, okay. So let's talk about when something like, let's say, you have that dream you are moving towards, you know that business that you started, that book that you've written, you know whatever that thing is and you don't feel like it's working, how do you know you should quit that thing and try something else?
Goli
That's such a good question. Here's the answer that not everybody, that people don't want, and I have to coach people always on this is that there's no like scientific formula. There's no way for me to tell you like this is the time you should quit or like this is when you should not, right, and I think for every person. Again, this is why I think it's so important to get quiet and like know yourself, because it's easier for you to know when it is your time to quit or when you know when you really should. But what I have seen with the people that I've worked at is that I think for most of us, deep down, we know when it's time, we know what we want, we know what the right thing is. We're just scared, right? We're scared of things like what if the uncertainty. Or what if it doesn't work? Or what are people going to think? All of those other thoughts, and I think that's what keeps us from second guessing. And I think a lot of this does become an exercise in like how can I trust myself to know? Like no, I've tried to make this work. I've thought about like I have a plan, I've worked on my finances, I'm ready, and yet I'm just scared because I'm always going to be scared. And yet I'm just scared because I'm always going to be scared, like even when you're ready like I work with people and they'll like work for years on, like creating their financial runway, having everything, but then, as soon as it comes to the point of quitting, they still can't do it, because they're just scared because we've been so you know again programmed to like have a job, have a salary, have this thing, and like when you're doing something scary, like maybe quitting to start a business, it's always there. That uncertainty is there. But, to answer your question, what I always tell people is that you can't know how it's going to turn out. You can't know. I mean, you can know that you'll figure it out, but we can't know what. So, you can't have your decision based on, like, what is going to happen. You can't have your decision based on like what are the reasons why I'm doing this?
And I think it's really powerful to get really clear on why you're doing it, because oftentimes, if you're doing it to run away from a problem, to run away from something, it's not the best reason to do it, because you likely will encounter that thing at the next thing too, right? So if it's simply just like, we get a lot of like imposter syndrome in my community, and so, let's say, if I think I'm a fraud and I'm going to quit this job because I don't think I can hack it, that's a lot of my own insecurity about my own, you know, oftentimes like my own insecurities and I know what the next job or the next thing that's going to follow me around. And until I work on my own confidence of the fact that, like, I am a good employee and I do know what I'm doing, and so maybe that's not the reason to quit, like, maybe I stay here and I work on those thoughts and I work on that self-confidence before I try to leave this. If the reason I'm staying, though, is because I'm afraid, I'm afraid of something new, like again, maybe that might not be the reasons why I want to stay, and so I want you have to really like, take the time to dive into, like, why am I staying here and why do I want to leave?
And when it becomes something where you realize, like, for me, it got to a place where it's like I could stay in this business or I could stay in this life, I could do this, but I want the growth, I want to try something new. I want to see what I'm made of. I want to, you know, even if it's going to be harder, even if I fail at it, I want to, like, see what could be like, that's a better reason for me to go after something. Then I'm just afraid that I can't cut it here. I'm afraid that, you know, I'm never going to be good enough here or whatnot. And so, I always like to look at, like, what are the reasons why you want to quit? What are the reasons that you're leaving? And again, like I, I do a lot of mindset work, like my whole program is really based on mindset, and what I always tell people is a lot of times people are quitting.
Let's say, if you're a people pleaser and you can't say no to people and you are constantly overworked because you're taking on too much, because you're like a perfectionist and a people pleaser and they keep giving you stuff and you don't know, you know like you're overwhelmed and you have anxiety and you're, you know, having panic attacks or whatnot, and you want to quit. I'm not saying you can't quit, but you will take that same brain with you to the next job. You're going to be a people pleaser at the next job. Those boundaries aren't going to magically appear right. So, like it might be in your best interest to stay and learn how to set boundaries right and learn how to say no and see, maybe you could like this job or this career if you, you know, got rid of kind of the perfectionism and the people pleasing and the imposter syndrome, whatnot.
The opposite is also true. You can know like, hey, I can swing this. You know, whatever I manage, I have boundaries, I have my nights, I do all, but I just don't like the work. It's boring for me. If there's something more okay, then we kind of know like this isn't it, and we're getting closer to the point of like I need to leave and really like, figure out, explore something that is going to excite me more, that's going to give me a new chapter. So, I know that's a really long-winded way of saying like there isn't like one I wish there was. This is when you know, after six months, you have got to do this, but for every person it's going to be so it's so personal and it's so unique to why you're doing it and what is driving that decision. Because when we know why you're driving, what's driving it, we can really ascertain like is it going to be better at the next place? Is the next thing going to really help you, like, fulfill that void that you have?
Lara
Yeah, and I think all of that is so good because it applies to so many different scenarios. It may be work Like I love that you use the example of work. It may be a marriage I can think about, like how hard that is in a marriage. It could be, you know, pursuing some kind of degree and school and suddenly you realize you want to shift something. It could be an idea for a book, like there's endless opportunities where you have to know yourself and trust yourself deep enough to know when it's time to shift. So, do you have any suggestions on how to know yourself and how to trust yourself?
Because, I think, as women, we're not really taught how to trust ourselves. We're taught how to serve. We're taught how to love. We're taught how to do all the things outside of ourselves. But how do you? Or recommendations, what recommendations do you have to trust yourself.
Goli
Okay, I love this question. I have some really simple ways. The first thing that you want to do is there's. I'll give you two exercises that I think are really helpful. One is it's a lie that you can't trust yourself or that you don't trust yourself.
For a lot of us, like I think we liked, we believe that we can, or we look at, we harp on maybe one or two decisions that didn't turn out the way that we wanted and we kind of think like, oh see, like I don't know how to make decisions.
Well, the reality is you're making a million decisions every single day and you have for all of your life, and you have taken care of yourself up until this point, and so it is really important to see that, like we tend to focus on the negative and we get to.
We tend to focus on, like when it didn't work out, but we don't look at all of the things that did work out, and so you really want to go back and look at, like, where were all the things that I made a decision where I trusted in myself and it turned out great?
Like maybe it is my marriage, like the person I decided that we're now deeply in love and have been together for 20 years. Maybe it is you know when I wanted to have kids, or the college I went to, or whatever, even really small decisions. Like you have to start showing your brain, even day to day, like, look, I'm making tons of decisions every day that are fine, like I clearly can trust myself, like if I'm a functioning adult that can take care of myself, I clearly make really good decisions, right, and so you want to see that first, just because, like, it'll help orient. What I always talk about is like our brain has an attention spotlight and we all have noticed this. Like you've noticed, when, like you want to buy a car, all of a sudden you see that car everywhere you know, or like, let's say, you get pregnant.
All of a sudden you see pregnant women everywhere. It's because our brain is constantly filtering out things and we tell our brain what's important and then it filters out everything else. And when we say like, hey, this is important, it starts showing us that right. And so, when we tell ourselves that when we create a story about ourselves and it's like I can't trust myself, your brain will show you every instance that you can't trust yourself. It'll highlight it for you and you're like see, I just made that wrong decision or I just you know whatever. When you start shifting that spotlight and you're like, no, no, I can trust myself, you'll start seeing evidence of it over and over again and it'll start building your confidence. Nothing has actually changed, it's just that you know.
But I think that the biggest way that we learn who we are and that we trust ourselves now is really in small decisions every day. I want you to just pause, like when someone asks you where do you want to go for lunch. Don't say whatever you want, right, like you have to start being like what do I want for lunch? That's a really hard question for a lot of us because we've spent so long just being agreeable and being low maintenance and not wanting to cause waves, and so we almost like don't know, like I don't know, what do I feel like, and I just don't even have an opinion on things anymore because I'm so easygoing, and like you have to really start getting those opinions back, like they're there. You just have to like really think about like something as small as like what do I want to eat for lunch? Or like what would I do if my Saturday is open and I don't have to do all the things I thought I had to do, if I don't have to do the laundry and whatnot? What are the things I want to do? The more you lean into those, the more it comes up Like it's just, it's there, it's all there, it's just suppressed.
And I feel like you have to start kind of just digging to be like what do I like? What am I curious about? What do I want to spend my time doing? What gets me excited, what lights me up? And like you can really find that stuff in small ways, and the more you allow yourself to engage in that, the more you allow yourself to like have little pockets of that. I feel like that builds your own self-trust with yourself, because you start taking care of yourself. You start realizing, like I do know what's best for me, I do know what I like most. I know myself better than anybody else. Right, like I have. I like I can trust myself to know myself on bigger decisions too. But it starts with small ones. So, like, if you have a hard time making decisions, like with small things, I will start there.
Lara
Yeah, I'll tell you a funny story. So, with my first, you know my personality back then because I was the people pleaser and was always trying to be agreeable. I'm like in active labor at the hospital and my whole family shows up like literally my dad, my sisters, my sister's boyfriend. Like my sister brings sushi for my husband. At one point I'm like so terrified that I'm about to poop on the table, which really like I just had to push, like I was ready to push, and I had like had to pull the nurse aside and ask the nurse will you please ask everybody to leave? And she's like I'm like I think I'm going to poop in front of my sister's boyfriend. She's like that means you need to push, like you're ready to push.
And I's like I'm like I think I'm going to poop in front of my sister's boyfriend. She's like that means you need to push, like you're ready to push. And I was like, are you sure? I don't know. But I had not. You know my sister and I still laugh about it Like of course I would kick people out of the room now, like it wouldn't even be a question. You're going to eat sushi. Go in the hall I don't want to spell that because I had just like shoved down my desire so much and so much of my own voice in an effort to be non-confrontational and, you know, to be like a good, agreeable peacemaker. Like I had just like completely squashed who I was.
Goli
Totally All of. And this is like patriarchy 101. Like literally, women have just been told from when we are children to just be that, like nice little girl and like never make waves and don't be a burden and don't be trouble. And it's heartbreaking the ways in which we make ourselves small. And it's funny because I have a very similar birthing story and I think about it now and I'm like I was exhausted, trying to sleep and my whole family was talking and I couldn't ask them like do you guys mind? Just not talking.
So, I and I'm like inactive labor and it's like I can't ask them for that because God forbid you upset anybody and you say something that is and I see that now in every coaching call and I coach women on the most minute you know like smallest thing to like.
I was just coaching a client on like her appliances and like heat don't work in her apartment, and she emailed them like 12 days ago but doesn't want to be a burden, and I'm like are you kidding? Come on, like you know and I'm not, it's not her fault, that's how we just like oh, we've already emailed once. God forbid, we don't want to. And honestly, I think that's where we sort of erode our own self-trust, because it's like I have to trust that I can take care of myself, even if people don't like me, even if people don't think that I'm the nicest person, even if like. And the more I learned to use that voice, the more I learned to kind of push past that programming and say like no, my needs matter, my desires matter, what I want here matters.
And I'm going to speak up and say like I would like for you to leave my delivery room, or I would like for you, as, like I start learning like, oh no, I have, I can have my own back, I can take care of myself. And then that, that trust really kind of flourishes from there.
Lara
Yeah, I'll share one last thing, because one of the things I see in my listeners and my clients that come up a lot is that they're worried they're going to become abrasive, they're going to be like that rough guy. And in the way, like I always tell my listeners, I'm like if you would speak up for your child, your needs are just as important as your child's needs. Of course you're going to speak up for your child. That mama bear is going to come out. Let that mama bear come out for yourself as well. You're not going to be that rude, abrasive, arrogant. I think we all have like this fear of becoming this like sales bro, like in her head arrogant man. But if we're already worried about that, we're never going to get to that line ever.
Goli
I always say that too. I'm like yeah, you know, like when they say people, women are like I'd heard it when someone was like oh, if you're asking the question like, am I a bad mom? You wouldn't. You're not a bad mom.
Lara
Cause you're asking that question? Because you're worried about it. Yeah, exactly.
Goli
And I agree with you, I and I go back to it's funny because this comes back kind of full circle when I talked about like nothing is ever all or nothing, and in our brain is we think like well, if I'm not a complete pushover, people, but then I'm going to be an abrasive asshole. That's just like people.
And it's like there's a lot of space in between those two, right? So, nobody is saying that, like you have to not care about what anyone else needs and you're going to like, be like no, the only restaurant we get to pick is what I want. Like we're not saying that, but we're saying like, can you also get a say in things? Can you just check in with yourself and be like is there something I want here that I'm not speaking up? So, um, I get that. That is the fear, because your brain goes all or nothing, but you have nothing to worry about.
Lara
You're not going to be this person. No, you're not going to be an arrogant asshole. We're all safe here.
Goli
Yeah, exactly yeah.
Lara
Well, thank you, Goli, so much for coming today. I've loved this. We could talk about a million other things, I'm sure, so we'll just have to do another at some point.
Goli
Oh, my God, thank you so much for having me. This was so much fun, and I love talking about this stuff all the time, so I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.
Lara
We'll tell everybody where they can find you so they can go listen to your podcast and see about your membership.
Goli
Yeah, thanks so much. So, you can really find me everywhere at lessons from a quitter. So, on Instagram the podcast is called lessons from a quitter, or you can go to lessonsfromaquitter.com and you can see kind of the membership. I have a free class there. You can get all the details there.
Lara
Okay, I love it. So, everybody, that will be all included down in the show notes as well. So, thank you so much.
Thank you for listening. Please share, review and subscribe to this podcast so that together we can live life on purpose. You.