Summer is officially out! Today the kids are out of school. That's a big deal. I get really excited about this time of year because I know that my mornings will be less stressful.
But I also find that my anxiety starts to get a little bit higher, as I think about the kids being home all day. I just knew that traditional parenting strategies don't work for my kids.
So, as I've been thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, I have decided to share with you these out of-box parenting ideas that are highly effective for any child.
Strategies that are focused more on value and creating something that works than just getting them to behave in a certain way.
Embrace these techniques and transform your parenting journey into a more fulfilling and less stressful experience this summer.
What you'll learn in this episode:
Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books
How to Connect with Lara:
Web: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/j.lara.johnson/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/larajohnsoncoaching
Work with Lara: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com/work-with-me/
Summer is officially out! Today the kids are out of school. That's a big deal. I get really excited about this time of year because I know that my mornings will be less stressful.
But I also find that my anxiety starts to get a little bit higher, as I think about the kids being home all day. I just knew that traditional parenting strategies don't work for my kids.
So, as I've been thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, I have decided to share with you these out of-box parenting ideas that are highly effective for any child.
Strategies that are focused more on value and creating something that works than just getting them to behave in a certain way.
Embrace these techniques and transform your parenting journey into a more fulfilling and less stressful experience this summer.
What you'll learn in this episode:
Click HERE to watch this video to learn The 3 Things to Avoid When Reading Self-Help Books
How to Connect with Lara:
Web: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/j.lara.johnson/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/larajohnsoncoaching
Work with Lara: www.larajohnsoncoaching.com/work-with-me/
Welcome to the Mom On Purpose podcast. I'm Lara Johnson and I'm here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, play more with your kids, manage your home better, get your to-do list done and live your life on purpose. With my proven method, this is possible for you, and I'll show you how.
You're not alone anymore. We're in this together.
Hello, so good to have you here. It's been a couple of weeks for me since I've talked to you. I have so much to tell you, but the biggest thing is that summer is out. Today the kids are out of school. That's a big deal. But the other thing I have to tell you is it is still crazy cold here. I think this is the coldest last day of school we've ever had. I think the high is 56 or 57 degrees. When the kids went to school it was in the 40s this morning Kind of funny.
But what I have found is that I get really excited about this time of year because I know that my mornings will be less stressful. I love not having to wake up and immediately think about getting the kids out the door, but I also find that my anxiety starts to get a little bit higher, as I think about the kids being home all day, which I love my kids. I love my kids; I do and sometimes I like my alone time too. Lots of times I like my alone time, if we're being honest.
So, as I've been thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, I know some of you are at that point where your kids are getting out of school Maybe you're listening to this when, like, your kids are still in school. Maybe it's you're listening to this, you know, as an older episode. All of that's fine, but what I have found is that at any given point, we need to step outside of the box with our parenting ideas. I think so many of us have this, like the way that we were raised, what it looks like to be a “good parent”, making sure that our kids are hard workers.
We have a very structured model on how to do that and how to implement that structured model on how to do that and how to implement that. And one of the blessings and the curses of having neurodivergent children is that they will break the model of anything neurotypical. And so, I found, when they were younger, I didn't have a diagnosis for them. I didn't understand what was going on. I just knew that traditional parenting strategies didn't work for my kids was going.
I just knew that traditional parenting strategies didn't work for my kids. So, as a result, I had to really think outside of the box as they've gotten older, as I've talked with many of my clients, as I've volunteered with different organizations for neurodivergency.
What I have found is that so many of these out of-box parenting ideas are highly effective for any child because it is focused more on a value or something I am creating than just getting them to behave in a certain way, and so I wanted to share some of those ideas with you today as a way for you to dive in to your parenting this summer or, you know, whenever you, wherever you're at this point in the year with your kids.
So, to start, I wanted to share three specific mindset shifts. In order to make these out of the box parenting ideas work for you, you have to first think differently. Okay, the first mindset shift is that behavior is a symptom of an underlying concern. So, if you are only trying to change behavior, you are never addressing the underlying concern and therefore it will continually happen over and over again, and you will miss something very significant with your child or children. Okay, so that's the first one. Behavior is a symptom of an underlying concern.
The second is that there is a compound interest of parenting at play, meaning that one chore or one day will not create a functioning adult, any more than you putting $1 into retirement will create your retirement. For your older years. That $1 isn't going to make a difference. It's the $2, the $3, the $4, and you're continually putting money into that bank. It is creating over time, this compound interest as you are continually making deposits into that.
Same thing with parenting, you holding the ground on one shore because they quote unquote, won't learn otherwise is only going to create more disconnect, and it will only and I know your brain is going to argue this, just stay with me, okay it will create more disconnect, and from disconnect you cannot you as an individual, won't.
Adults won't parent the best that you can in your children won't learn the best that they can. So, it then becomes a zero-sum game where neither one of you are working towards the result that you want. So, the compound interest of parenting is when you really think about making those deposits over and over and over, and that's what creates a functioning, healthy adult, not holding the ground on whatever that one thing is in that one moment.
The third thing is that respect is a two-way street. I cannot tell you how many times I have coached my clients that their kids don't have respect for them. And while I understand the importance of that, what I have found is that demanding respect doesn't create respect. And when you are outside of like those heated moments with your kids and you are able to sit down and really ask them like you know, I am trying to improve on respecting you more. What are some of the ways that I can improve?
You will be shocked at what you learn, and not so much in a negative way, but when you really approach it with curiosity, and you let down your defenses. Yes, you may have a reason for getting mad at them, guaranteed but being able to see that that's something that matters to them and being able to find some out of the box solution is really important so you can start collaborating with your kids as a way to respect both, like they respect you and you respect them. I promise you will get significantly better results from your children when that happens.
So, with that in mind, I'm going to dive into seven out of the box parenting ideas for you to try. So, the first one is based on the value of connection. Okay, this is being able to have fun with your kids and being able to connect heart to heart with them. Now, every kid is different. I will say that, like when you step back and you see how your kids prefer connection, you'll be able to find what really resonates with you. But that's the goal is connection. So, when my kids were little, I knew that a couple of my kids when I would tuck them into bed at night, that was when I felt the most connection and it seemed like they were more willing to talk to me about things that happened at school. You know stuff like that.
So, I came up with a game. We called it the four questions game. Uh, the first question I'd always ask is how much do you love me? And they would come up with something I love you more than all the worms on the planet. And then I would try and trump that, say okay, well, I love you more than all the blades of grass on the planet, trying to think of something that could be more Okay. So that's the first one.
The second one is tell me something that made you happy today. Tell me something that made you sad today is the third question. And the fourth question is there anything else you want to tell me? You will be amazed at what comes out of that question. I will tell you that it's great, and I always leave the door open for them to say anything else, because they, what you're creating is you're building that connection and then opening the door for safety for them to share what's happened during that day.
So that was when they were younger. When they got to be older, I found that connection with one kid particular. It happened much more through playful acts. So, jump scares, for example, very big way of connection. There was once where I hid behind the door, probably for a solid, you know, 10 or 15 minutes, until he got out of the shower. And when he got out of the shower, I jumped out at him and scared him so bad he started crying, but then he started laughing.
He's still like, I just asked him something like what's something that I did as a parent that you remember that you loved? And he said jump scares. He said remembered that one time he made me cry. And then I started laughing Like it's still. It's still a like a source of connection for us, you know, years later.
The other thing is that we had this little Perry the platypus. If you ever watched Phineas and Ferb, you know who Perry the platypus is, agent P. But we had this little figurine. We had it for years and every time I was downstairs near his room I would go in and move Perry the platypus somewhere around in his room and then he would come back in, and he would have to find it. He loved it for another child.
You know, really creating that connection, it's through baking, totally like that. It's my daughter. If I could just bake all day, every day, with her, she would be the happiest person on the planet. The other thing is just scrolling and looking at dogs through our local classified ads. She loves it. We'll sit and look at dogs forever. So being able to find, like, creative ways to create that connection and watching different kids and how they react in different ways, things that interest them Super simple. It takes okay, I did hide behind the door for a while, but for the most part these things take almost next to nothing time and it creates so much connection. Okay, so that's one.
The other thing that I have found when, with summer really comes down to like refereeing siblings, I feel like that value of creating fairness and equality at all times and you're like your mind is spinning constantly about all the different ways that situations can go when you have multiple siblings, and I find that moms every summer feel like they're a total referee. So one of the things that I started to notice was that when my kids started pestering or picking or otherwise bothering each other, and I would want to come in and get so frustrated, like stop touching each other, then I realized I would come in and anytime I started feeling growly, there were two things I typically try to do.
The first is I would say, okay, I know exactly what is going on. Right now, you need 1 million kisses, and I would say it in that like growly voice and it would kind of take them off guard because they were not used to it. You know, I used to get so mad. And then I'd say, oh, you need 1 million kisses and then I would go and chase them. And my oldest is almost 13 and I still do this. So, this is like at any age.
You will be shocked at how, at any age. This is something. Maybe adults Okay, I'm not going to say at any age, maybe there's some adults. I don't know if I do it with adult children, it depends on your relationship with your kids, but when they're younger and they're in your home, you will be amazed at how something like this immediately drops the guard, immediately redirects them into something else and become such a playful physical activity that the refereeing automatically stops because you're chasing kids around trying to give them 1 million kisses. So that's one thing.
The other thing I found is that, like with the refereeing, what I found is like my, when I start getting angry, I start clenching my jaw and I start like holding my hands really tight, almost in like claw, but they're like facing each other. And what I realized, especially when my kids were younger, as soon as I started getting really frustrated, all I had to do was like turn my hands into like bear claws and then I'd say something like oh, I'm so frustrated I need to bite someone's toes off, you know.
And suddenly I became a bear and started chasing the kids around again. It becomes this physical play where suddenly, like you are detracting them from whatever it was that was pestering them. You know, usually it's each other that are pestering each other, but it becomes so much more playful Again. That's also creating some connection.
So, then the third thing is really looking at the language that we use. Like language is something that's so fun for me, um, it's very important because I believe that language is so powerful. I love being able to study the meaning of different words, but there are some words, let's be honest, that you just get annoyed that your kids keep saying over and over and over and you start going crazy, especially when it's like the potty language. I'm like words are so powerful, why are you choosing these words?
So, what I have found was that I kept telling them stop saying those words, like it's bothering me, and I realized they just had it, just made them, just made them say it more. So, what we came up with is when we are using language that we really just need to say and just to get out, the consequence was you had to say it for five minutes.
So, there was this time with my third you know he was probably he was little, like four or five years old, and he kept saying butthole, and I didn't like him saying that. Probably learned it from an older sibling and not probably he for sure learned it from an older sibling. And it was just bothering me having my little baby say this word and I was just annoyed.
So finally, I came around the corner I was like that's it, that's it, you get a consequence, you know. And he's got this fearful look in his eyes. I'm like all right, you have to say that word for five minutes straight. And he starts giggling. I was like yeah; I don't think you could do it; I don't think you have it in you.
And then you know, it becomes very playful where it's like I dare you, I dare you to try and say it for five minutes. And that then becomes the consequence to where he had to say I think he made it like a minute and then he never said it again. He was so burned out. I mean, think about how many times you'd have to stay butthole to fill five minutes. I think he got a year's worth in that one minute of saying it.
But that was like a creative thing. So, if there's a lot of language that's happening, I don't care if it's a cuss word put them in another room If that's what they need to do. Put them like just say go say it as many times, go write it as many times you know that it can fill five minutes something just to get it out of their system. It will be more effective when you do that than when you tell them to stop saying it, and everybody's in a better mood and it becomes more fun, okay.
So, then the next thing is really being able to have some strong boundaries, like my kids know that, like I need downtime. That's just the way my body's built. If I go, go, go all day long, by the end of the day I'm going to be very growly, and one of the things that I have found for this is being able to have restaurant hours, like during the summer.
I have found that when they're eating and they're making messes in the kitchen all day, I feel like I don't ever have a chance to sit down. Even if they try and let you know they clean up their messes, it never really looks the way I want it to look. So, what I found is being able to have restaurant hours helps with that boundary for myself, and when I am able to sit and have, you know that I don't know that again, the playfulness, but it doesn't really require playfulness.
I'll put on an apron, and I'll just start talking in a funny voice, like welcome to the restaurant. Today we are having this, and you know I'll list like whatever I'm willing to make them a sandwich, ramen noodles, you know whatever for lunch, and all of a sudden it becomes so much more of an enjoyable experience during that mealtime. But then you're also, instead of it being like an open kitchen all day long, it's hey, the restaurant is closed right now. Sorry, the kitchen staff went home for the day. They're done for the day.
The kitchen is closed. And they'll say, oh, no, no, it's a big deal. I'll be like no, that's against the health code at restaurants. You can't go into someone else's kitchen. Okay, so again, like being able to have that restaurant mindset really kind of helps have those hours of on and off time to help keep that boundary for myself. The other thing that I'll say with that is we always make a list of all the foods and not necessarily a menu. It's like, hey, here's all the foods that we typically have for breakfast, here's all the foods we typically have for lunch.
And then from there we can say, okay, today there's these two options at the restaurant from this master list and I always hang that in the pantry because they'll always come and say I don't know what to eat. I'm like, go find something off the list, okay, so that's. That's one of the other things that I do.
The other thing when it comes to these boundaries is being able to use electronics as a tool. Now, summer is one of those times where electronics I feel like every mom feels the fight over electronics coming and it becomes such a hassle. So, for me, I knew that. You know, come early afternoon, I need downtime. That's just the way my body works, and I don't want people talking to me. So, what I started doing was using electronics as a tool.
Now it used to be that I would take electronics away as like a consequence, but then I found that it wasn't working for me. If it is working for you, great Again. These are just some fun out of the box parenting ideas. But when I came up with other consequences and was creating a lot more connection in other ways, I didn't have to like lay down the law as much when it came to electronics. So instead of using it as a reward, I started using it as a tool for my quiet time.
Everybody starts at the same time, everybody stops at the same time, and then that required me to think outside of the box on like what other consequences could I have? Okay, so that's where you know. Some of those juices started flowing. So that's something that you know I would give as a suggestion again, like you don't have to do any of these things, but it's just fun to think about it in different ways, because I want you to be able to make it through the day with your kids at home and not feel like you're so grumpy by the end of the day.
So, if you need to use electronics as a tool for you, be very strategic about how you use it and when you use it. Okay.
The other thing I'll say, as far as boundaries too, is being able. Well, and you know, going back to that respect that two-way street. You know when I start getting frustrated. You know if kids need to go to their room. You know I mentioned that I have to put myself in timeout sometimes. This is just something that I do very lovingly.
Timeout isn't necessarily like a punishment at our house as much as it. We call it sensory detox, like. We all get so overstimulated by all the noise and people and everything going on that sometimes we just need a sensory detox and that's what timeout typically is at our house. So there are times, you know again going back to the value of like boundaries and for me as a mom, where I have to put myself in timeout and we create some very strict rules about not knocking on the door and sticking your fingers under the door and you know, my kids are a little bit older it doesn't happen as much as much. It still happens.
So sometimes I put two layers of doors my closet is through my room, through my bathroom and then my closet, and sometimes I lock two doors and then the closet door, just so I have a little bit of quiet time. But that is something else that you know as an out of an. One of the out of the box parenting ideas is mom time out and then creating boundaries around, what that looks like and how long it has to be for you know stuff like that.
But then it becomes something fun with the kids where, if they start seeing me getting heightened, they can also request that I put myself in timeout. Again, respect two-way street.
So, the last thing is really being able to see like one of our biggest concerns, I feel like, is making sure our kids have a good work ethic, making sure that they're knowing how to contribute and they're helping around the house. And you know, we get this very specific idea on what that looks like when we're thinking out of the box and we're looking at okay, I want my child to be a functioning adult.
There's actually lots of things that they can do in order to contribute to that. It doesn't necessarily have to be scrubbing the toilet. I don't mind scrubbing the toilet. I don't think my husband enjoys it. There are many other chores that he would rather do. I'm fine scrubbing the toilet. It doesn't bother me. Okay, same thing with my kids.
What I have found is that, based on their different personalities and their skill sets, there are chores that may resonate with them more than other things. Okay, all of these still contribute to them being a functioning adult. All of these still contribute to them being a functioning adult. I have no concern that if my child doesn't learn to scrub the toilet right now, as a child in my home, there is no ability to learn that later in life.
Like, of course, they can learn to still scrub a toilet later in life. I'm not as worried about that. Okay Again, that's just me. I'm not as worried about that. Okay, again, that's just me. It doesn't have to be. You just hear me out.
When we're thinking out of the box parenting ideas, when we really come down to like I want my kids to have a good work ethic, I start looking at creative chores they can do. Now again, my daughter, who loves to bake. Sometimes it's putting her in front of the computer and having her go through the grocery list and adding things to the cart that we regularly eat as a family or that she can see that we are low on. That is something that really resonates with her. Something else that really works for my oldest son is he loves to get in and clean the hot tub.
That is something I don't have the capacity to do at this point, but it still needs to be done. He loves to do that as one of his chores. You know, set the controls, change the filter, do things like that. He's really good at it.
The other thing that I've noticed that you know my oldest son, he's very good electronically, and sometimes I don't have the time to sit and one either play video games with my youngers or to figure out all the parental controls, because I feel like they're different for every game, every device. You know all those things.
So, I put him on it and what's so funny is that he will come and let me know, like hey, I don't think they should be doing that. And I'll say you know, why don't you think they should be doing that? And we'll have this conversation. So, he's learning some of the boundaries that we have for a family by thinking through what is appropriate for younger siblings. Again, creative chores, right. So, he is still learning internet safety and helping me implement these controls, because we're constantly having conversations about what's okay and what's not for kids, especially when it comes to the internet.
Something else that, like when I'm thinking like out of the box parenting ideas, that and creative chores is, I always give a space to negotiate. Now this is one thing that I will tell you. I fought tooth and nail and again, having neurodivergent kids will break the mold. Every single time on traditional parenting strategies, I had the thought that a parent says you do this, you, then you have to go do this, like listen and obey. That was like what I told my kids when they were younger listen and obey.
As I got older and as I started seeing and you know, looking at studies of women and not negotiating pay in the workplace, and being able to see these important skills. It doesn't always have to be listened to and obeyed, like, yeah, there are times and places for that, but also there are times and places to negotiate, to see something that isn't working and to come up with a better idea.
So, if my kids come to me and you know I've asked them to do something and they start negotiating, I don't get mad. I welcome it. Now, you know, this is where we get really creative chores. That's where the hot tub came from, because my son was willing to negotiate with me. Okay, I want that negotiation now and being able to exchange things. Okay, they're learning the exchange of. I will give you this If you do this.
For me, this happens all the time in the workplace, and I want them to have those skills. I want them to be thinking outside of the box. So, there are times where you know things need to be clean and I say, great, I am happy to clean this all by myself. As a result, you all need to play together without fighting, or if you would like me to play with you.
We all clean this thing together. There is this exchange, this negotiation that starts to happen and then they get to decide and be a participant in it and more often than not they'll jump in and clean with me because they want me to play. So again, we're thinking out of the box.
Now, I know at times this can feel like more work. I want you just to stop and think in your mind If that emotion is coming up for you. What I'm here to invite you is that once you step outside of the box out of the box is less work than inside, because up until this point you have been fighting and fighting with the box and asking and asking and getting so frustrated. When you step outside of the box, you'll see so many more opportunities to connect with your kids, you know, to really be able to see their behaviors, see those underlying concerns, really teach them boundaries and some creativity.
And all of a sudden, the entire world opens up to you and it becomes like this playground almost of parenting ideas, where you have so much at your fingertips. Once you step outside of the box, it becomes so much easier and will save you time and energy. I promise you will have fun with this. I can't wait to hear the results. I'll see you later.
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