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Hello, so nice to have you here today. We are talking about the 10 worst motherhood advice phrases and what I would suggest you say instead, or you share with other people when you hear these phrases said. As I was thinking about this, you know I've been a mom for almost 13 years now, which is incredible to think about, and many of you may have been a mom for longer or for less, but I guarantee all of us have heard these phrases and for the longest time when I heard these phrases, it was like a punch to my gut, but I didn't ever understand why.
Because most of the time, these phrases were shared with so much love and that's okay, like, if you've heard these phrases, even if you've said these phrases, I've said these phrases before. This is never to feel like you're ever calling someone out, but it's more to acknowledge the way that your body receives information. So, most of the time when we review these phrases, remember these phrases are just a thought, a sentence that someone has created and maybe somewhere these thoughts might be useful for someone. If these phrases don't resonate with you and you are okay with them fantastic, wonderful, okay.
And if you don't resonate with them great, fantastic, wonderful you get to decide what phrases you bring into your brain and body, and this is just some information to look at things a little bit differently. So, you're ready for the first one. Here we go, sleep when they sleep. Holy cow, isn't this like the phrase that every new mom gets anytime you have a baby?
I would argue that the best advice is you will have many competing demands. Do what you can. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to sleep, but even just hearing my baby fuss stopped my body from going there. It was like all cylinders were firing at the same time.
So, even when I wanted to sleep, I couldn't so just remember that when you are talking with a mom that's just had a baby and you have that desire to say sleep when you sleep, just let them know you're going to have a lot of competing demands. Just do what you can. It's not all going to be perfect. Number two, enjoy every minute. It goes so fast.
Now, if you have older kids, it's possible that you've said this to others. I know I've said it, you know, to people that have babies as my kids have gotten older and I remember at one point hearing this phrase I think it was in a church setting and it was a day where my kids were so challenging. I'm sure you've had this experience where you've been wrestling kids all morning long and you finally like make it into church and you're you feel like you've just gone to battle and you're exhausted and you're walking in and I think, if I'm remembering right it was we were sitting out like we hadn't even gone into the congregation yet.
We were waiting for in our church the sacrament being passed and then we were going to go join the congregation and there was some sweet older lady that had said you know, enjoy every minute of this. It goes so fast. Probably while I was wrangling a kid and I remember being so mad she was a very sweet woman; it was said with so much love. She was looking back and probably missing times with her kids and wanting to go back to that time missing times with her kids and wanting to go back to that time. It was such a sweet thought, and my body rejected it so quickly.
So here's my advice that I would give to you, or that I would hope you would say to someone else, is some minutes will feel fast and some minutes will never end when you can breathe in those good moments and I think that allows so much space for the hard parts of motherhood, while also acknowledging that, yes, this is something that we will miss and when we can and when we're in a space to not when we're wrangling kids that are super stressed out at church, but when we are in a space we can breathe them in stressed out at church, but when we are in a space, we can breathe them in.
Number three remember to go on date nights. Keep that fire going. This is something that you know. I've had this advice off and on for many years. My husband and I were coming up on 16 years and there have been times in our lives where we haven't gone on date nights and times where we do get to go on more date nights. So, here's the advice that I would give instead of this is after you have a baby, there's definitely a weird year or two, and then there's some really long years when you're raising kids.
The advice that I would give is be kind to each other.
All of this hard, all of the weird in your marriage is normal and it can be temporary. When I go back and think about, you know, having this advice for myself. It gives me so much grace for the times where our stress levels are higher and we're really going not that we're competing or arguing with each other, but it's like our stress has nowhere else to go and we're each other's safe spot. That's not to say that's right, you know, and there have been times when we have sought outside help.
There have been times where we've had to renegotiate household labor and you know things within the home and become more of a partner. All of that can still happen. But that's where I would say, you know, there are times that date night won't happen. Sometimes that fire may not be a bonfire, it might just be a small spark, because raising kids, having babies, can create some really strange stressful years. Number four, take time for yourself.
Oh man.
This is one that is so easy to say, right, like it's easy to tell someone to take time for yourself. Every single one of us have probably been told that, and I'm here to say that saying that to someone has never produced them, taking time for themselves. Okay, in fact, when this has been said to me, I get more discouraged actually, and take less time for myself. But here's what I would say, self-care looks different at different phases of your motherhood journey.
There is no right way to self-care. It may be eating a protein bar. It might be shaving your armpits, when you actually do shower. It might be taking an antidepressant and seeing a therapist or a coach. It might be going and taking a walk outside. It might be sitting and reading a book with your child or snuggling on the couch watching a show, because that's the most you can do with your child, or snuggling on the couch watching a show, because that's the most you can do with your kids that day.
Self-care looks different at different phases. There's no right way to do it. Find what works for you in the phase that you're in right now. Okay, number five, don't worry, they'll be fine. Hear the condescending tone and again, this might be a thought that does work for someone. For me, my body is like you telling me not to worry never produces me not worrying, right. It's like telling someone to calm down. In the history of all humanity, I've never seen someone calm down after you've told them to calm down, right? It actually makes them madder.
It's kind of the same thing when you tell someone don't worry, their brain actually starts worrying even more. So, here's what I would say. Instead, you will worry about something all the time. Those worries will change all the time. Now, the biggest thing here is to not try and stop the worry, but learn how to navigate through it, and one of the ways I do that is taking time to decide if this is a now problem or a future problem. Now, oftentimes future problems I don't have any information about it, I'm just spinning, spinning, spinning.
Okay, so I have to, like, set that on my worry shelf. Let it know that I'll be back for it. I'm not forgetting it. I just don't have all the information. Then I go back to the now problem. Okay, this is something that I have to make a decision on now. That's okay for me to worry about, but the most important time to worry about is when I actually have all the information, and then it's not so much worry as much as it is strategic thinking and making decisions. So don't worry, they'll be fine. I would change it to you're going to worry about things all the time.
Decide if it's a now problem or a future problem. If it's now a problem, worry when you have all the information. Then start making decisions. Number six, it will get easier. Oh, I can tell you the exact moment, the first time this was said to me. Actually, no, I take it back. I can remember a moment when this was said to me. Chances are it wasn't the first, but it's the one that stands out in my mind the most.
And my oldest is diagnosed autistic. Part of that is he has a PDA profile, which stands for pathological demand, avoidance or pervasive drive for autonomy. So many demands, whether they're big or small to you and I, they all feel the same to him in his body and, as a result, when the demand reaches the very top limit, he will go into fight or flight. Oftentimes it was fight.
Many times, it was flight when he was younger. Now I remember at one point you know he always had a hard time going to school. But it got to where he was big enough, I could not physically pull him out of the car. There were times when he would climb to the top of the car, and I couldn't get him down. I would try and climb on top of the car, and he'd crawl through a window, or then he'd get down and just run away. When people say, like you know, you have consequences for your kids, like they have to go to school, they've never met my child.
Like, you could put him in a cardboard box and he still wouldn't go to school. You could literally take away anything and he still wouldn't go to school.
Because now I understand, he was in fight or flight, like his adrenaline was pumping so much that there was physically no way to get him in, to the point where I would have to call my husband to come home from work so he and I both could try and get him into the school building. Now there was once where we were carrying him in, he was kicking and screaming. I don't recommend that.
Just at the time we didn't understand what we were dealing with. Nobody could tell us what was going on with my kid and we were just trying to do quote, unquote all the right things and I don't love that. You know some of the strategies we employed at the time, but it is what it is. So, there was one time we were carrying him into the school. He was kicking and screaming and a very nice woman in our neighborhood like leaned over and like touched my shoulders.
My husband is like carrying him into the school and she's like I've been there, don't worry, it will get easier, and she was again saying it with a lot of love.
But it turns out that it got worse and worse and worse. Okay, there was physically no way for us to get him in a car to go to school, like it was impossible. You know, that's a story for another day. So, this is where I remember being so discouraged because I wanted to tell her the history of how that has never worked for us. That thought, because in my life with my children it just kept getting harder and harder.
So, if this is a phrase that has helped you, great, like I mentioned before, that's okay. But if you've had this phrase and you felt really discouraged by it, here's what I will say it will be hard and then it will get different. Sometimes different is easier and sometimes different is still hard. So sometimes I feel like just acknowledging the fact that it's hard and that there's nothing wrong if it stays hard, I think can be refreshing.
Going into my ACL surgery that I had a few months ago, my surgeon kind of downplayed it and I was like no, like I need the information, and he just kind of downplayed it. So, then I went to a physical therapist I know the one that actually helped me after my surgery and I said, okay, just give it to me straight. And he's like yeah, it will be really hard.
He's like here's what you can expect. It will be hard in this way. It will be hard in this way. This is the pain that you will feel in this area and when you do this like he outlined the hard and it was like as soon as I knew it was going to be hard, it was no surprise when it was, and it was very relieving. And then it got a little easier. And then it got hard in different ways and then it got easier.
Okay, so that's where you know, if somebody ever tells you it will get easier, you can thank them and share this thought or just remind yourself that yeah, it is hard, it will be hard and then it will get different.
All right, number seven breast is best. And I will say well, let me tell you what I would say instead. First, fed is best. I do feel like there is a movement that is coming back to this. When I first started having my babies, fed is best was not the movement, it was definitely breast, and it caused a lot of pressure for a lot of us moms. So, I am grateful that there is a shift in that.
But what it really boils down to is saying that one way is the best. Way for every scenario in motherhood will never be a good thought to share. We'll never be good advice to share because everyone is so different. Yes, I would have loved that to be the case. For me, breast is best. It was super easy. It was a beautiful experience. I'm so grateful some of you have had that experience. That was not the case for me, even though I pushed and pushed, and pushed to continue nursing.
So, here's the advice that I would give instead, fed is best, do what feeds your baby best and helps you mentally, emotionally and physically recover, because you matter too. So anytime someone comes and gives you some kind of blanket statement about motherhood, whether that's how you feed your baby or something else. Remember you matter too. So, remember to do things that help you mentally, emotionally and physically through your motherhood journey.
All right, number eight love your body. It's so incredible. It made a human. You know, this kind of has the same flavor as like don't worry, right, like I would love. I would love to love my body and it made a human, and I do more so now than I ever have before, even when I was at much smaller sizes and pounds in my body. But here's what I learned was that anytime I told myself I should love my body, I actually got discouraged because I was grieving my body. Now this is the advice that I would give and say your body did make a human. That's incredible.
Your body will also look vastly different and it's okay for you need to grieve what once was. It's okay to take time to develop a new relationship with your body. Now, when I give myself that space and that compassion to grieve what once was, we know that when you have a baby, things just change.
Things look different as we get older. Things look different than when our body was in its twenties. It just does and that's okay. But I think sometimes in the personal development space, in the body positivity space, we don't give space for grieving. And it's okay to grieve what your body once was. You developed a relationship with it for many decades probably, and then, when you had a child or when you began aging and it changed. Sometimes it takes a little bit to develop a new relationship. That's okay.
Number nine you'll love your kids unconditionally. I felt like this came more so before I had children. I felt like this came more so before I had children. I was never a big babysitter or anything like that, but what I found when I had my kids? I actually felt a lot of shame because I didn't always love them. Well, let me rephrase that I always loved my kids. I didn't always like them.
So that is what I would say instead, instead of you'll love your kids unconditionally, it's that you'll always love your kids. You'll want to give your right arm to them at any given moment, but it's okay if you don't always like them, and I think we have all been there. You probably were there in the last five minutes. All right, being a mom is the very best. That's number 10. A mom is the very best. That's number 10.
Now, when we sit with this again, it's the concreteness that is the problem. It doesn't give space for when it's doesn't feel like the best. So anytime I think being a mom is the best I do. I love being a mom. I absolutely love and adore my kids and sometimes being the mom is also the worst, and I am okay with that truth. My children know that I absolutely love them and that I fight every single day for them and for myself, because life can be hard.
So, give yourself the space and the grace for the best and the worst moments of motherhood. There you have it the 10 worst motherhood advice phrases and what I would say instead. I hope that this episode resonated with you and that you will send it to a mom friend that you have, because we all need to hear this. Have a wonderful week.
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