EP 174 Having Another Child After Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, and PTSD left me paralyzed with fear and uncertainty.

Join me as I reveal my personal journey through these dark times and share how recognizing and validating these emotions became the first steps toward healing. We’ll explore the therapeutic tools like cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR that can help mothers overcome postpartum trauma, empowering them to face future pregnancies with renewed hope and confidence.

Emotions run high during postpartum, often creating a whirlwind of conflicting feelings.
Learn why building a strong, judgment-free support system is crucial, and how the right kind of help can transform a challenging postpartum journey.

From the benefits of therapy to the importance of proactive support and self-care, we uncover the societal gaps in postpartum education and advocate for better preparation and understanding.
Hear about the duality of loving and hating the postpartum experience and the fears that many mothers face about having more children.

Your postpartum journey doesn’t have to be walked alone.
We emphasize the value of open communication with healthcare providers and the life-changing impact of holistic approaches like mindfulness, meditation, and proper nourishment. 

By breaking the silence around postpartum depression and anxiety, we can support one another on the path to healing.

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Transcript

Maranda Bower: 0:02

Depression, anxiety and autoimmune symptoms after birth is not how it's supposed to be. There is a much better way, and I'm here to show you how to do just that. Hey, my friend, I'm Miranda Bauer, a mother to four kids and a biology student turned scientist obsessed with changing the world through postpartum care. Join us as we talk to mothers and the providers who serve them and getting evidence-based information that actually supports the mind, body and soul in the years after birth. Postpartum depression and anxiety are more than just mental health conditions. They are deeply traumatic experiences that can shape a woman's perspective on motherhood and for many the thought of having another child after and during such a hardship can feel really like an impossible task. And the fear of revisiting those dark moments and reliving that overwhelmingly big mountain of sadness and anxiety and isolation it is a really powerful deterrent. Many women who have survived postpartum depression or anxiety go on to experience so much mom guilt and shame and fear and even flashbacks or nightmares. It's like a never-ending spiral. You come out of the darkness and then, for many, they just beat themselves up for being in the darkness in the first place. This, my friends, is postpartum trauma and let's talk about it and make space for this for just a minute because it's such a topic that no one is speaking on, although postpartum trauma can lead to so many conversations here. I really want to talk about how this trauma often leads to a deep-seated fear that any subsequent pregnancy or postpartum period will just be a repeat of the past. Sometimes it's simply fear, sometimes anxiety, sometimes it's a form of PTSD that many women carry silently. Postpartum trauma is a silent epidemic, and the fear of revisiting that dark place keeps many from growing their families.

Maranda Bower: 2:17

This was my experience after having my son. I had a wonderful birth experience. I had a wonderful pregnancy, probably one of my most easiest of the four pregnancies that I've had, and my postpartum experience was nothing short of absolutely awful. I couldn't believe that this was something that I was going through. It was so dark and so deep and so tragic. Like it just felt more than a fog. It felt like I wasn't even in my body, that I didn't know who I was. I was constantly feeling in pain. My nipples were bleeding because breastfeeding was going awful. My baby was crying all the time. I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mother. Why am I a mother? Why did this baby even choose me. Clearly I am not the right one. I can't handle it. I'm not a good mother. And all of these things, these fears, these resentments toward myself, this guilt for not being there, it was so overwhelming. On top of not having any clue of who I am and what I'm doing in this world, it was just like a complete whirlwind had taken me over and I swore that I would never, ever have children again.

Maranda Bower: 3:36

I was adamant. I became a single mom at six months postpartum. I couldn't life, I couldn't have a relationship, I couldn't even have a job. Getting out of bed to do anything more than take care of my son was absolutely impossible. Y'all know the dark feelings of postpartum depression and it continued. And when I finally started seeing the light, when I finally started coming out, it was around the three month mark, or sorry, the three year mark. Three years, three years, which is still mind blowing to me, three years.

Maranda Bower: 4:14

It took me to kind of get out of that space and feel back in my body and feel a new sense of normal. And it wasn't until I met my now husband that I actually opened myself up to the possibility of more children. I was so seriously adamant for years that I would never, ever, have any more babies, that that was just not a possibility for me. And when my son turned five is when I actually had another girl and it felt so amazing for me. It felt so on, point and good, but I was terrified.

Maranda Bower: 4:53

I had finally come to the point where I was able to have more children, or wanting to have more children, but the process of being pregnant again and going through the motion of healing and rediscovering what it means to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy birth and a healthy postpartum was such a process and I just want to bring acknowledgement and validation to this. And I just want to bring acknowledgement and validation to this. These fears that we have, this experience that so many of us have. They are real and based on this profound experience of postpartum depression and anxiety that should not be there in the first place. And recognizing your feelings are legitimate. It's really the first step and recognizing your feelings are legitimate it's it's really the first step to healing. We have to understand that these are, these feelings, are okay.

Maranda Bower: 5:52

Now I want to talk about a couple of tools that have really supported me and many of the clients that I have worked with over the years. First off, if you are someone who really wants to have more children and that idea seems daunting to you like you know, there's a coexistence. I want more children and I fear it immensely then I would highly recommend looking into getting some therapeutic support. Therapy can be such a profound tool in addressing postpartum trauma. There's cognitive behavioral therapy, there's EMDR. They have shown some promising results for people who are experiencing past trauma, things that need support, and this qualifies as that and this qualifies as that.

Maranda Bower: 6:43

Making sure that you are reaching out to somebody who can support you through the maraud of emotions that happens here. Like the duality of holding space, for I love this experience and I hate it. I want more children and I fear it. Like all of these things can feel really jumbled and really chaotic and very overwhelming, and to be able to experience someone who can listen without judgment is so, so good. Just allow yourself to tell your story, to share what has happened and to help you work through those emotions is so, so big. And this is another powerful tool is building a strong support system. Surround yourself with people that you can talk to openly, that you can share these things with without judgment.

Maranda Bower: 7:41

I don't care if it's a family member, a friend or a healthcare provider. Many of us need a healthcare provider because we're not going to be able to go to somebody in our circle because they don't necessarily validate how we feel, or they brush it off and say something like well, at least you had a healthy baby or it'll be fine. You're just over worrying, like. I remember those things. I've been told those a million times over. They don't feel good and if you have people in your life that are telling you those things, they're likely not the people that you want to have this conversation with. So find other people who you can have the conversation with and be supported in what you're sharing.

Maranda Bower: 8:25

But also here's a key component we don't want to just find someone who's going to listen and support us without judgment. We also want somebody who's going to help us kind of get out of that dark space, which is oftentimes why therapy is so incredibly important. I have seen so many support groups where they're there and they're supporting women and validating women and doing all of the things, but simultaneously making it that much more challenging to heal because it becomes a bitch session. It becomes becomes. This is the way it is and there's no other way out. And this is what we can experience in motherhood. And if you find yourself in those predicaments and those spaces I often see you in Facebook groups too, you know make sure that you are very, very aware of what's happening and know that that might not be the safest space for you to come into. Education and preparation is one of the biggest things that you can do.

Maranda Bower: 9:31

I know so many moms who go through a first experience having no clue what's going on, because, for goodness sakes, I wish our society would teach women what to expect during this time, and we don't. We don't have doctors or providers who we rely on to teach us these things. We often don't get to witness postpartum or or pregnancy in the way that our friends or family members may have experienced it, because it's usually something that happens behind closed doors, it's private right. We don't even. We don't even breastfeed in front of people, usually like everybody has to cover up. It's like the secret club nobody's allowed to be in because it's so intimate and it's so personal. So intimate and personal, and it's no one's fault that we don't see these things because it's it is personal and we have to be invited into somebody's bubble, and that's really, really difficult. But also also so many people assume that they can do it on their own, and that is often the thing that got us here in the first place.

Maranda Bower: 10:36

That was me, hands down. I thought I this all, I'm going to do it all, and I had no idea how much support that I was going to need. And no one once told me how to heal my own body. Everything was about baby the best car seat, the nipple shields, you know everything. You know all the things that baby is going to need, but never once did anybody cover anything that I'm going to need for my own healing. And so many women go through that experience as their first, not having any clue whatsoever. And I also know so many women have a second babe thinking well, now I know what to expect, it's absolutely going to be fine, but they never get the additional support that they are going to need.

Maranda Bower: 11:24

And so by the time the third comes, or the potential for a third, or they're thinking about a third it's like there's no way. This is too much. It's so scary. I don't even know how I'm going to possibly handle pregnancy and postpartum with two other children and navigate that awful experience or those awful experiences all over again, and I can't tell you how many times I see that, for not just the second time babies, but also the third time babies too, and sometimes even more than that, because, like myself, it took four kids for me to figure out postpartum and really nail it down to a way that was going to support me in the most luscious, divine way to be able to heal my body in ways that are so out of this world Legit. Many cultures around the world and you've heard me say this claim that postpartum is like this sacred time where we are closest to God than any other time in our lives, and that only women after birth get to experience that, because it is an invitation to heal our bodies physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally on every level, every threshold, more deeply than we can ever imagine, so that we can be the best mom for our babies. How gorgeous is that? And sometimes it takes a long time to figure that out.

Maranda Bower: 12:59

And no one regrets getting help. No one regrets getting support in postpartum. As a matter of fact, the only thing that I hear people shouting from the rooftops is get support. Whatever you do, find some level of support. I don't care if it's a postpartum doula. I don't care if it's somebody coming to your house to help you clean and maybe prep some meals in advance or to take your other kids for you for a little bit or take care of the animals. That's really big. Here in Alaska We've got lots of animals, you know.

Maranda Bower: 13:33

Having the responsibilities lifted from you and somebody else coming in to take care of you so that you can take care of your baby and learn and navigate breastfeeding and all of the things like support is amazing. Whatever support looks like for you, whatever it is that you need night nanny, like I tell you, sometimes in those first couple of weeks, if we just sleep well, it can be life changing. So find out whatever it is that you need and get it. You will not regret it. You will regret not getting it, but you will never regret having a strong support system. Along with that is making sure that you're getting the education and preparation Like knowledge is so empowering when you educate yourself about postpartum not just depression and anxiety, which is where a lot of people go, but the whole body support, when you have the tools that you can use in place to support your body, like the practical things that you can do to prevent those things from occurring, if you had the education and knowledge to make sure that your body was getting what it needs. It's a game changer, and having some holistic support approaches to that is that much more.

Maranda Bower: 14:56

So many people go into education and preparation. They're like I'm going to research this, I'm going to figure it all out. And they go into education and preparation. They're like I'm gonna research this, I'm gonna figure it all out, and they go down the rabbit hole. I love this rabbit hole, it's my favorite rabbit hole y'all. And what they discover is like these holistic approaches that actually help support the body and heal the body and prevent things like depression and anxiety, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, nourishment, you know, finding somebody to speak to, getting out in nature.

Maranda Bower: 15:30

I talk about so many of these different avenues in my book, reclaiming postpartum wellness, which is a five-star rated book. Y'all get that, that book. If you haven't, it's on Amazon. Reclaiming Postpartum Wellness All the holistic approaches like the things that you can do that don't cost you a dime, that you can do in the home without anybody else, like that exists for you and you have access to that and using that when you have that education and you're able to prepare in that way and implement these tools to support your body. Again, it's a whole game changer. Imagine being able to be nourished so deeply, have this healthcare and self-care lined up, imagine having someone that you can talk to. You have support systems lined up. I mean, just that in itself is going to be a whole game changer for your experience.

Maranda Bower: 16:30

And here's the other one that I think is so critical and so key is open communication with healthcare providers. If you experience a traumatic event with your healthcare provider, please, please, please, do not go back to the same one If they are the person that was likely part of the problem rather than the solution. Now there's obviously, you know, other scenarios where there's, like emergency situations. But again, if you are making sure that you're educated and your approach and you're understanding what it really means to have a labor experience and you know what it means to get an epidural and how that deeply affects your baby and your body and how that can lead to a cascade of interventions that are semi-serious, if you are understanding what it means to have other specific interventions during pregnancy and during labor and birth that will greatly impact how your baby enters into the world and how you enter into postpartum is going to be really key.

Maranda Bower: 17:42

I see so often that people say, well, my, my providers saved my baby's life and it's like, well, you know, if you weren't on your back and you know there's a, there's a huge possibility, and you didn't have an epidural right away, or they didn't spend 10 hours trying to induce you first, the likelihood of this scenario probably would have been really really slim, or things like oh well, my baby was too big anyway. Or my baby had a cord wrapped around their neck Well, was too big anyway. Or my baby had a cord wrapped around their neck Well, that's most babies honestly hands down. That is true. Go research it so you'll see that there's so many different components to this and when you thought you can trust your healthcare provider, oftentimes what I see is that the opposite is true. A lot of those interventions were the cause of the trauma itself.

Maranda Bower: 18:33

So obviously I'm getting on a tangent and talking about birth. But again, that's so important because it influences the postpartum experience and so making sure that you are communicating effectively to your healthcare providers and that they're on the same page with you and that you're not choosing the healthcare provider who is a part of the problem in the first place is huge. I know this is a is a big conversation and and we can talk about it deeper on another episode. But please, please, please, really do your research, understand your provider's statistics, know what it means to be able to working with them and have these open, honest conversations with them. There's some amazing healthcare providers out there. They're going to listen to you. We're going to acknowledge your fears and your past experiences. They're going to help you tailor your plan and address your specific needs and concerns.

Maranda Bower: 19:32

You have to open that conversation and be willing to say you're the provider. That's not it for me. I've got to go look elsewhere. They exist, I'm telling you. There's some great providers doctors and midwives and nurse practitioners who can help you with the birth experience. It can be a beautiful thing and then help finding that same thing in the postpartum period. Can that provider be for you? Can they support you? Here in Alaska, we have a new law where midwives can be with a mother 12 months after having a baby, so they no longer have to drop them at the six week mark. It is legal to continue supporting them and billing insurance for up to 12 months after having a baby. How profound is that. It's going to be so significant for so many women here in the state and I hope it's a model for many other states to make that shift and that change.

Maranda Bower: 20:34

But you want to find not just somebody who's going to help you, be with your baby and care for your baby and the birth experience and for you in the birth experience, but who's going to be there for the weeks and the months after. Who are your healthcare providers? Who are going to be able to help you and support you? People that you can trust to say some of the most intimate things that feel not so great in those hard, difficult moments, and who are going to support you without judgment. That's key. That's key. So therapeutic support, building a strong support system, education and preparation, which always leads to holistic approaches and open communication with your healthcare providers so, so key. Your first experience or your second doesn't define you. With the right support tools and mindset, your next journey can be filled with hope and healing. Your next journey can be filled with hope and healing.

Maranda Bower: 21:38

Choosing to face your fears and consider another child is really a testament to your strength and resilience. You are not alone and you have the power to create a new postpartum narrative for yourself. For so so many women, it's often deeply healing to go on to have another baby and to experience something so much better. Usually, if you're coming in armed with these knowledge and tools and support and the things that you didn't have with your previous child or children, that's going to make such a huge difference. But the uncertainty, the lack of guarantee, the inability to know what life has in store can really make having another babe an act of immense bravery and hope. I find that the path to considering another child after postpartum depression and anxiety is deeply personal and unique to each individual, and it's okay to take your time to seek support and to prioritize your mental health and to say no to having more kids. The most important thing is to make a decision that feels right for you and your wellbeing. You have the strength to overcome and your future holds the promise of joy and fulfillment.

Maranda Bower: 22:56

No matter what you do, your first or second experience never defines you. I heard someone recently say that you cannot truly heal until you've had another baby, and I absolutely see where that can be true. When we experience any sort of trauma in the perinatal period, it really deeply impacts the mother role and how we mother. There's no getting around that. But I also believe that healing comes in so many different forms and it doesn't always have to be one that comes from having more children. But if there is a desire for more children, that and it lives next to the fear.

Maranda Bower: 23:36

Right Again, that duality of thoughts like I love this but I hate it. I want more children but I fear it. You know, whatever it is that you're experiencing, that duality is often just motherhood in general. I will tell you that that fear, if you have both of those thoughts together, that fear needs to be kicked in the butt, it needs to be pushed out the door. Never let fear win.

Maranda Bower: 24:04

Your postpartum experience shapes you, but they do not define you. And embracing the possibilities ahead, knowing that you have the strength and support to navigate whatever comes your way, that is so powerful and I am so, so here for you. So thank you for joining me today and if you found this episode helpful, please leave a review and share it with others who might benefit. Your voice and experiences matter and together we can break the silence and stigma surrounding postpartum depression and anxiety with you, a hundred percent. I am so grateful you turned into the Postpartum University podcast. We've hoped you enjoyed this episode enough to leave us a quick review. And, more importantly, I hope more than ever that you take what you've learned here, applied it to your own life and consider joining us in the Postpartum University membership. It's a private space where mothers and providers learn the real truth and the real tools needed to heal in the years postpartum. You can learn more at wwwpostpartumucom. We'll see you next week.