Ep. 58: The One Episode You Should Listen To

With a title like this, some of my rebel clients & listeners  (you know who you are...wink, wink) might rebel against listening to this...I love you all and of course, live in your truth...BUT if you do listen to this you won't regret it.

Inside this episode is one of the most important teachings I do with clients, something I call "The Spectrum".

Stop the black & white thinking you likely don't even know you are doing, stop the disassociation, and step into your human-ness and your own humanity.

This is where all your power, freedom and ability to direct your own life comes from.


Follow me on Instagram @katweissner and check out my website at www.klwcoaching.com

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The Wildly Confident Podcast, LLC is a wholly owned subsidiary of KLW Coaching, LLC, all rights reserved. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:24

Hey all . So excited to be here to discuss with you one of the core topics I teach my clients. And this concept is called the spectrum. Let me tell you all about the spectrum. Everything outside of you just exists . It's neutral, okay? Everything exists outside, that exists outside of you. All the things we can hold, see, experience just exists out in time and space. And it is completely neutral. It's when you engage with it, run it through your lens, through our beliefs about the world is when it takes on meaning is when we make a judgment about it . Things aren't intrinsically good or bad, but we can make them good or bad by what we think about them. So often we have a thought about something that often does not come from our own felt experience. It comes from what we were told by the outside world, by culture, by society, by our family, about how to think about that thing. So it comes from outside of us, our knowledge about something, our judgment about something, whether or not it's good or bad. And often this is a really good thing, right? We're coming into this world. We, you know, are born, we don't know anything, <laugh> really. And someone is telling us like, Hey, crossing the street without looking both ways can be dangerous. It's quote unquote bad. You could get hit by a car, right? There's so many instances that we can say like, really glad that so many things in life have been generalized or categorized for us when we were young. A lot of the things you did learn when you were younger are probably true to you, okay? They're probably true to you, but not all of it is true. And so it's important as an adult, as an adult who has a choice that we learn about what I call is the spectrum. So we get out of black and white thinking, we get out of good or bad thinking and we move into our own personal and empowerment and personal freedom. And this is mostly about teaching you that life is not black or white. Life is not good or bad. Things in life aren't X, Y, and Z. Everything is on a spectrum. When I say spectrum, I'm talking about a myriad of different colors, just like in a rainbow. That's why I like to call this sometimes like rainbow thinking or spectrum thinking. We get to see all the colors of the rainbow and we notice that we get to make meaning of those colors and we get to make meaning of each individual situation in our life. We do not have to define that situation by the way that we've been taught to define it. We need to define it ourselves by coming inside of ourselves. So I'm gonna be sharing with you the process I use with my clients on tapping into their own particular spectrum and understanding their own motivations. We can get so lost and so confused in our life when we are looking at it through black and white lenses or using external definitions to define things. Everything in life is personal. I literally cannot stand when people are like, oh, it's not personal, or don't take it personal or, oh, it's just business. Don't take it personal. That's another one, right? If it's not personal, it's not human. To be human is to take things into our personal experience and to experience them. And I think anytime we've been taught to see things black and white, even though some of it may have been very helpful when we were younger, there's a part of us that, you know, there's a part that gets kind of cut off that we disassociate from because we're being taught that your personal experience doesn't matter here. This is the answer to this. When you see x, it equals y period. And don't even bother learning to think about it in maybe a moral sense to yourself or based on your own values. Again, so many people don't even know what their own values are. They've never actually sat down and been like, what are my key values in life? How do I know I've lived a life that's valuable to me? Right? Anyway, that's a whole nother topic. But if you haven't done that, maybe you do it. What are your values? What are your core values? At the end of the day, if you were to look back on your life, what are the the things that you would've wanted to do in your life that you think add value? You'd be surprised. Um, and then I would take that to what, how you're living your life now. Are you living in your values? And how can you make shifts to continue to live in your values? Okay, so I'm getting off topic with the value thing and I probably should do a totally separate podcast on that. But yeah, the, the rule book we've been given by life, the manual we've been given about life, about what you know by society, by our family, about X equals y is a disassociate. Often disassociative in dehumanizing in a way. And I don't mean that negatively, but it takes away the human experience. But everything in life is the human experience too. Everything we experience is experienced through our own selves, right? Like I, I could say that I know my son, but I only know my son through me. I can never know my son. I can only know him through me. I don't actually know, only my son knows himself and I need to remind myself of that all the time. Otherwise, we can end up in all sorts of judgments with people, right? When I praise him, I am really praising the him that comes through me, right? It's, it's a part of who he is, but it isn't the full spectrum. Only he can know the full spectrum. Only you can know the full spectrum of yourself. And so often we don't even explore it 'cause we've been told X equals y, this is the way the world is. This is the way you need to read the world. And don't go into yourself. Don't come into yourself to try to redefine what we've told you. The world is how we've told you to act, right? I kind of refer to this as the domestication of humans, <laugh> , which is like a whole nother topic, and that's not meant to be negative towards the way this society works, but there has been , um, there's obviously a lot of care that goes into us operating together as a group and um , I think sometimes a lot of fear and control that goes into it, which creates a lot of negative outcomes. But , um, I do refer to that often as the domestication of us as humans, of turning us into kind of like a mass group that's gonna work towards capitalist goals. And again, I'm a big fan of capitalist, y'all. I am not a socialist really. I am definitely love capitalism, but I don't like the fear aspects of it. So let's, let's delve more into the spectrum so you can understand what I'm talking about here and how to help you use this tool. So , um, what I tell my clients to do is I tell them to pull up a situation in their life, okay? In their head . So if you're, if you're driving, you can't do this, but if you're someplace safe, just I want you to pull up a conflict you have in your life some tension. You have judgment against someone else, judgment against yourself. I don't really care what it is, but I want you to pull up this conflict and I can almost guarantee there's probably one of the reasons you're having the conflict is because you're not coming from your own spectrum. You are coming from black and white thinking outside of you, and you're using that information that really doesn't speak to you at all and your truth. And that is why you're stuck because you have been disconnected from your truth, right? I often say your truth will set you free, not the truth. Everyone has their own truth and when you connect 'em with your truth, with your spectrum of how you see the world, you are going to feel so empowered and a lot of your conflicts are just going to be easily solved. It's really an awesome thing. So instead of seeing the world black and white, I think of the spectrum as being either , um, it's kind of starts at , at one end as being very fear-based and all the way going to the other end, which is very love-based. And everything in our life falls someplace in between this, okay ? It , it could be anywhere on that spectrum, and that's totally fine. And the way that we feel into this is by bringing up that conflict, that judgment in our head. Okay? So again, don't do this if you're driving, but you're someplace safe, just take a moment, take a nice big deep breath in. This is just gonna take a minute. And what we're gonna do is we're gonna pull that up in your mind's eye and I want you to hold up both your right and your left hand. I want you to feel into this particular situation. The left hand is gonna be fear. The right hand is gonna be love. And as you're feeling it, you're gonna feel your hands maybe go going more up or down, almost like the way a scale would, right? And again, it's not all black and white often, even in things that are very love or high vibration, there's some fear in it too, right? But we can start to feel into what our motivations are. Are we coming from love? Are we coming from fear? Lemme give you an example here. You know, I'm pulling up like, there, there is out in like an idea in society that you should be nice and being nice is good, right? Can you , we all agree on that? Can we agree that being nice is good and we've been taught to be nice, and if you're a nice person, you're a good person and all this stuff, right? Um, but <laugh> , of course, being nice is always on the spectrum, right? Like, you really need to feel in to what it means to be nice in every individual situation with in , in individual interactions, right? Like, I can actually feel into a situation , um, where quote unquote being nice to someone actually is, is actually being disingenuous, is actually being mean to them. 'cause I'm, I'm maybe pot potentially people pleasing and I'm lying to them about who I am, right? And I really believe people can feel this. You know, there's a way where we're manipulating ourselves to be nice in , in order to manipulate a situation so we can think that we're nice people. And when the truth is, is maybe, you know, you don't really like this person that much and that doesn't mean you have to be like, I don't like you, right? Like, <laugh> , that's so black and white thinking, right? I think I tell my clients, stop being nice, be authentic and being authentic can come from love, not fear. Niceness can come from love, not fear. If you're being nice from a place of love, that means being nice to yourself. And if you don't like this other person, how is hanging out with them being nice to yourself, right? How can you be nice to yourself and still nice to them, right? Authentic to yourself and still, you know, feel authentic with them and show up in a way, right? That is honoring all those things instead of people pleasing and pretending people. This is why people don't feel like there's such a lack of distrust in this culture. People are like going around. They , they like have like so much anxiety about abandonment, rejection. They , um, have a lot of trust issues. It's because like so many people around are going around pretending to be nice instead of authentic. If we were more authentic, and again, authenticity doesn't mean being an. <laugh>, you don't, that's coming from like a place of fear and, and needing to protect ourselves because we're afraid versus being authentic from a place of love. Just being truthful about I don't have capacity to be in this relationship right now. It's nothing about you. It's 'cause I love myself and I love you. And because I love both of us and I love our authentic selves, I need to be honest about where I am right now. And this means nothing about the other person, right? It just has to do with your personal capacity to wanna be around somebody. And you don't need to list off all the 10 reasons you don't like them, my goodness. Because that has really nothing to do with them. That has to do with the , the way you are seeing them through your lens, right? They could be the best person in the world and you could still quote unquote , you could still like not like them because of X, Y, and Z and that doesn't make you a bad person. It just means that you are being authentic and truthful to your truth, right? Your truth will set you free and you're respecting them. That's more loving, right? We need to come from a place of love, not fear more often. Otherwise we can get caught up in a lot of control, a lot of negative places in our life when we're coming from a place of fear, I think we're coming from a place of objectification. We're coming from a place not just of objectifying the other person, but objectifying ourselves in order to try to fit into some box of what we've been told the situation's supposed to be like, or who we're supposed to be like, or who the other person is versus like I said, like what you're doing right now, feeling into the situ , this particular situation, right? Every single conflict, every single situation is different. Nothing is prescribed. When you, when you have an idea of what's gonna happen or a prescription of things, you start to lose your humanity. You also start to live more into fear because then you think something's gonna happen. So you try to control it. And when we try to control things, we actually know that we can manifest more negative things in our life because through our controlling out of fear, we end up losing the ability to be able to flow and adjust as new information comes to us. And we're in such resistance to it that we end up causing often more issues and catastrophes for ourself by our desire to try to control a specific di di dynamic with someone out of fear. When we come from a place of love, it really feels more expansive, more open, more light. We have more options. We're able to get new information from moment to moment that might affect our decisions, which ultimately per my, from my experience, just puts you in a better spot, period. It puts you more in that , uh, spot of expansion freedom, right? Freedom's a big thing my clients talk about is the ability to actually feel free, to be themselves, free to live their own life and to feel safe and to trust themselves in their life, and to trust the decisions they're making are the right decisions to get outta that confusion, that self-doubt, that imposter syndrome, all of that stuff comes from fear. It comes from society's prescriptions of how we're supposed to act and how we're supposed to be. And that's black and white thinking. We have to disconnect from that and reconnect back into our, our own spectrum, our own reality of life, which is really felt in the body, right? And as we realize, oh boy, like I'm working all these extra hours, or I'm being, so I'm saying all these mean things to myself out of a place of fear whooshed . Like I can feel that I can feel the fear. And how can I start to come to this place from a place of love a little bit more, maybe having more compassion for ourselves, realizing that we're only human. That to be human is to be multiple multitudes of things, to be able to change and shift every day. To be a human is to be alive. To be a human is to, to make mistakes and learn, right? We're not built to be perfect. If we were, we wouldn't be living. Like machines are perfect, humans are imperfect and emotions are there to help us learn about what path we're on, where we're supposed to be going. And they're also there to help us release what needs to be released When we're people pleasing, we're constantly trying to control other people's opinions of us. We're trying to get them to like us so that , so we can what ultimately what's our fear? Feel safe. Not be kicked outta the community, right? But the sad thing about that is, of course we think we're doing the right thing, but we're actually doing the opposite of what's gonna make us ultimately be safe. When you're in people pleasing mode your whole life, you're just gonna be treading water, trying to keep up all these masks and all these personas. And instead if we just take a step back and we say like, who am I authentically in this moment and how can I share that from a place of love? That's when we start to learn how to get our own back. And also we then connect in with the people who are actually gonna get our backs, right? Instead of the all these other people we've been faking it with that don't even know us, right? That's never gonna feel good if you're like, subconsciously in a relation , like, you know, that you faked who you were in order for that person to like you, even if it's like just some small little bits, right? I'm not like talking about faking a life or something like faking like a whole story about yourself. I'm talking about like the silly people pleasing things we go about doing every single day from, you know, being acting interested in something that we're not actually interested in or giving someone a compliment when we don't really know if that's really true in that moment, just because it feels good to us, because somehow it feels good to the other person and we think they're gonna like us. I know it , it's kind of, it's a lot, right? But there is this, like, this level of when, when your relationships are like that, when you know that they're based

Speaker 2: 18:13

On any level of people pleasing, that's never gonna feel safe. So you're never gonna feel like you have a true community. And so you're basically just creating your own reality of not true community, which I honestly think parts of this culture want you to be in because they want you to buy things in order to feel safe instead of just having a community you feel safe around. I, I do think there's a lot of consumerism and capitalism that comes from this fear-based place that we need people to feel unsafe and destabilized in order to have some sort of level over control for them to take sometimes like jobs that aren't fun at all to that pay , not very well to buying things that they don't really need. And , um, versus from a place of love, when you're showing up in like true authenticity, you're showing up as yourself. You're actually gonna be able to meet people who love you for who you are. And those are gonna be the people that are gonna be able to get your back and community. And then that's where you're gonna feel that real trust in the world. Like, you know, you're not alone. And we only can do that by, I think coming into like the full spectrum of who you are and continuing to move towards that place of love. Everything you have been desiring is within your reach, everything, but you have to come back into yourself to get the map of how to get there. It's moving towards this love vibration and what you do, this authenticity versus going towards fear, smallness, right? Fear and smallness, seeking control, limitations, objectification of people or ourselves, right? That often happens with judgment. We're objecting finding someone, we're not seeing them or at least saying we don't really know them. They're so much fuller than our knowledge of them and releasing any sort of judgment. We let go of the fear and we start to move towards the place of love. And you'll know what you need to do to do that. You have them map inside you, you'll feel it, you know, it , it doesn't have to be mean , it doesn't have to be cruel. It just needs to come from a place where you're honoring yourself. And again, we always wanna try to honor the other person. We can't read their mind and these situations, but we have to honor ourselves first from a place of love, and then we can honor the other person as well. And through that process, you'll find everything your heart desires, but you have to keep coming back to what I'm telling you to do. You can't just do this once a week. It's, it's about like , uh, every time you feel a conflict, taking a pause, pulling it up in your head and kind of being like, am I coming from fear or am I coming from love? Right? Just kind of feeling into it. Do I feel really heavy around this? Does my heart feel sad? Do I feel fearful? Or do I feel like expanded alive, joyful, so excited to live the day, right? How can we shift more into that vibration of love? How can we shift more into coming into each situation in our life and our full humanness and our full expression of our authentic authenticity and our freedom? That's how we're gonna find all the things and all the people we're supposed to be with in this lifetime is by living from that place. So what's something today that you can do that just moves that needle? Just half a percent, right? It's just these little tiny steps as we, as we start to move more out of that fear-based mindset that we were often taught to view the world in , into a place of more love. Okay ? So think about some things you can do today. And often it's just like having some more compassion for yourself or feeling safe enough , like practicing saying your truth in a way to someone else, in a way that's loving to yourself. Like those two things are so huge, getting your own back, you know, feeling o like knowing it's okay and feeling it like it's okay to be angry at somebody, right? Like people are often like, ooh , anger bad, but anger is often like, I'm worth more than this, right? It's self-validating who you are as a person. Anger is a really important emotion. No , yeah, hitting someone. Uh , taking your anger on someone else. No, no. Like that's not gonna, that's coming from fear, right? You're then that's like, that's like projecting and blaming, but anger, anger, the feeling of anger just says, I'm worth more often when we're angry, we're angry at ourselves, deep down inside that we let this situation happen to us. And I think when anger comes up, anger's like, I'm worth more than this. I need a boundary here. I didn't speak my truth, I didn't listen to myself. Maybe you didn't even know you could listen to yourself, right? Part of understanding the spectrum of your life is learning how to listen to yourself so you're like, I can, I understand why I didn't know before and now I know and I'm gonna start listening to myself. Likewise, sadness, right? I think a really healthy, good, sad, like a , a love-based sadness is grief. It's like I can't control things outside of me. I can't control other people's decisions. I can't control other people's decisions not to want to do X, y, and Z with me. And that there's like a sadness, right? About not being able to control things and I'd rather be sad than always in control. There was a quote by Eric from , from the Heart of Man that I just love and it says he loves control and in the act of control he kills life. And I think a lot , a lot, a lot of control that we seek in this role comes from fear. And by trying to control, we kill life. We kill our own life. We kill the possibilities of the big, the big grander life we could have lived. And so checking back in with the spectrum as I call it, this ability for you to tap into your body, your heart and feel love or feel fear, and all the different variations in between, right? You know, you can end up in the middle between love and fear. That's just like neutral, right? You don't have, and I'm not trying to say like fear is necessarily bad, I just find that a , like there are, there are

Speaker 3: 24:09

Truly some things that you should be afraid of, right? But most of the fears we have are manufactured in order for certain energies outside of us to try to control us. And so I just want you to notice where you're in black and white thinking where you are following like the guidelines you were given as a child or your definitions that you're given as a child versus your own truth. And how you can start moving towards the feeling, the vibration, like the energy of love. I'm so glad you came this week. I know this was rather a big topic and I tried to explain it as well as I could, but if you have any questions about it, feel free, you can dmm me on Instagram at Kat Weisner. I know this is just one way of looking at the world. I have found it to be extremely helpful for my clients as they're on the , their journey of taking back themselves, taking back their true authentic identity in order to have a better life. So I hope you'll enjoy. Have a great week. Bye.