Why You Should Take a Friendventory

This episode is all about why we should take a “friendventory” and how. The people we choose to spend most of our time with have a tremendous influence on our lives (for better or worse). So, we should take a look at who those people in our inner circle are and we need to choose them wisely. Being intentional about who we spend our time with, and making sure that it’s on people who add value to our life in some way, will lend to us being happier, healthier, and more successful in our lives overall! 

Resources:
Let Go of the Guilt Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy by Valerie Burton 
John Maxwell
Jim Rohn

Transcript

Jamie is speaker for entire episode.
00:09
Welcome to All Things Leadership where together we will explore and discover what leadership is all about; so that you can start leading the life you want to live. My mission is to inspire, motivate, and excite you to become the best version of yourself; at home at work and everywhere in between. I'm your host Jamie Smith. Now let's talk leadership

00:37
Hey friends! Can I consider yall friends? I hope so, because what we're talking about today is taking a “friendventory”. And if I show up on any of your friend lists I just hope that I'm considered one of the friends that's adding value to your life in some way. Whether that is in person or through this podcast, I just hope that I'm one of the good ones for you.

1:00
So today's episode is called ‘why you should take a friendventory’ because I think it's important for us to look at who we're spending our time with, and on, and how that's affecting our lives. Making sure that we surround ourselves with people that are really adding value to our life and surrounding ourselves with people that have similar values and interests as us. That has a really big impact on our life.

1:27
So taking a “friendventory” would be us taking a look at who we're currently spending most of our time with. Whether that be friends, family, coworkers even. It's looking at who are all the people that we surround ourselves with most often. It's taking a look at all of the people in your inner circle and going, what are all of these relationships bringing to my life? What kind of value are all of these friendships, these relationships bringing to my life?

1:56
Because as simple as it sounds, surrounding yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself, people that make you smile, people that make you laugh, people that you respect and you can feel that they respect you back, people that are honest with you, and that you feel you can be honest with, people that you share values with. All of those things are a major key to us experiencing joy in our lives.

2:27
I’ve heard before that we’re only as happy as the relationships in our life. And I don’t know who originally said that, but I believe there’s a lot of truth to it. So, if you’re really missing some happy in your life, you want to get back some joy. If you’re feeling any guilt in your life, or any anger in your life over any of your relationships, or stress over any of your relationships. Think about are there any open loops in your mind having to do with someone that needs to be dealt with, processed so that you can move on to brighter pastures? Look at which of those relationships may be causing you some guilt, anger, stress, sadness. We need to be really intentional about the people that we spend our time with. 

3:16
I read  an amazing book recently by Valerie Burton who I actually saw give a keynote speech at John Maxwell 's Live 2 Lead conference a couple of years ago. She was so wonderful and the book that I just read by her is called Let Go of the Guilt: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy. And she references in this book that research shows that having just one happy person in your network increases your chances of happiness by 10%. Like holy cow! Happiness is contagious y'all. What do your closest friends and family members rub off on you? What are they passing along to you? What kind of energy are they transferring over to you when you talk to them/hang out with them? What kind of vibe are they giving off when you're around them? And if you're answering any of these questions right now going ‘man, like I usually don't feel so hot after I finish hanging out with this person, or talking to this person’, or ‘man every time I'm with them I feel just less than. Or every time I'm with them I don't feel any support, or encouragement, or love coming from them. It sort of maybe just feels like it's a one way street and you're doing all of the loving, and the supporting, and encouraging. And maybe you're not getting any of that back. So, if you're answering the question of ‘how do I feel after I hang out with these people, or talk to these people, or this person… if you're feeling a whole lot of self-doubt when you're around that person. If you're feeling a whole lot of insecurities when you're around that person. If you're feeling less than, if you're feeling judged, if you're feeling shameful, if you're ever questioning your self-worth. All of that kind of yucky stuff. If any of that resonates with you, then you need to make some changes. And it might be time for you, my friend, to do a “friendventory”.

5:19
The choice is really yours who you decide to keep in your life and who you decide to move on from. I know you guys have heard me say before that we're the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Jim Rohn said that. I don't know about you, but that really just hits me every time I think about that. And it's true in this conversation today. That we need to be intentional about who we're spending our time with. Because those people truly have an impact on our overall mental health, our well-being. Those people truly have an impact on our overall happiness in life. 

5:54
And I think at a certain point in our lives I think everybody gets to that stage where we just start to look at some of our friendships. We start to look at the relationships in our lives a little bit closer and we start to go ‘okay, do I even enjoy these people? Do I even like these people? Do I feel good when I'm around these people and better when I leave them, or do I feel worse? Do I feel like I belong? Do I feel like I have a sense of security around them? Do I feel connected when I'm with these people, because if I don't, aside from mandatory work events and certain life events, sure that you're obligated to some extent to go to, but aside from all of that, you have a choice who you spend your time with. And if any of the friends that you're currently spending your time with are…you're walking away from those people feeling drained in one way or another. It might be time to start spending less time with them and looking at spending more time with the people that lift you up, and fill you up, that you walk away with a feeling of love in your heart. And you walk away feeling cared about and supported.

7:12
One of the things that I've done that I find really helpful is to literally write down the names of all the people you spend the most time with. I guess this would be more of the ‘how to’ part for doing this for inventory, if there's a how to. But write all their names down. Friends, family, whoever. Then next to their name, write the first emotion or feeling that comes up for you when you think about that person, your interactions with them. Doing this activity is going to help you gain some clarity around how this person might be making you feel. Sometimes we never really put a name to it or stop to really shed light on it, so this is going to help us, again, just get clear on how these people are making us feel.

6:02
Like I know for me, there are some people in my life where if I even see a text message come through from them, my heart starts to race a little. I begin to sort of get uneasy. I feel pressure to maybe say and be a certain way. All of that. And all of that I would label as maybe anxiety, so next to that person's name I would write anxious, is how they make me feel. I have another person in my life who every time I get off the phone with them or hang out with them, I feel joy I feel loved, I feel cared about, I feel important, I feel safe. So for this friend, as I do my “friendventory”, I might attach or write down the feeling “fuzzies”. [laughter] Warm and fuzzy.

8:53
Once you do this with all the people that you spend the most time with, you can start to ask yourself some questions that I think are really helpful. Questions like: when I need professional advice who do I call? When I need a friend to cry to who do I call? When I feel like having a deep intellectual conversation with someone, who might be the best person for that? When I need some play time in my life, who do I call? When I need a mentor, do I have anyone for that? 

9:25
And just saying mentor made me think of the importance of having people in your life that you're learning from. People that are helping to grow you. People that you're able to gain different perspectives from. People that are going to enrich your life somehow. There are those people out there that you can find, and that you can start to spend time with, that are really going to help you level up in life. There are people out there that are going to reach out their hand and they're going to help take you to where you want to go. Or they're going to help guide you to where you want to go. So, it's really important that you have someone in your life that that you feel like is doing that for you. And if you don't, go out there and look for them. Because they are absolutely out there. There are people out there that want to help grow you, that want to help enrich your life in some way, that want to help get you to where you want to go. You just gotta go out there and look for them. 

10:27
But that is definitely something that you should be looking for as you're doing your “friendventory”, is who do I have in my inner circle that is helping to grow me, that I know that I can learn from, that maybe when I'm around them I sort of feel like the least smart person in the room? That actually might be a really good thing. You have a lot to gain from being around somebody who is “smarter” than you right? So yeah, just keep all of that in mind as you're doing this “friendventory”.

10:59
It's really just thinking about yourself as a whole human and thinking about all the different areas of your life, all the different needs that you have, and just getting a good idea of who do you have in your life that is supporting all of those different areas? It's making that conscious decision, based on you doing this “friendventory”. Kind of, who is the best friend, or who is the best family member in your life for what it is that you currently need, or what you're looking to get out of that exchange.

11:35
Just the other day I had something that I was so excited about that I was running around my house in circles screaming at the top of my lungs. And I was like who do I call? Who do I call? Who's going to be just as excited about this as me? Who's going to understand? Who do I know is going to just scream with joy with me? 

11:56
And I called that person and that's exactly what I got. Was an excited person on the other side of the phone that was able to just be in that moment of joy with me fully. And it was the best feeling ever to have a friend like that. We all need a friend like that. That we can call on when we just want to ‘woohoo’ you know? And so, it's just really having that awareness of when I need X who might the best person in my life be for that? Doing this activity will help to boost the overall quality of your life my friends.

12:41
And all of this may seem so simple guys, but I've coached my clients on this. We are all guilty, I think, of calling on people or spending time with people that really just do not have our best interest in mind. And maybe that comes from a place of just comfort, like they've been in our life for a long time so it just kind of is what it is and we deal, but it doesn't have to be this way. But you know?Sometimes we just call people out of habit or maybe because they're just all we have, or have ever really had, and let's say that we're sharing some new goal with them that we have, and that we're excited about it. And that person does nothing but put you down and discourage you from going after that. Or they give you the ‘hey I'm just being real with you, but that seems like a lot. You sure you want to go after something like that, that big? You sure you're cut out for that? This “friend” is making you doubt yourself. They are asking you to be smaller than you are. You have to take note of these interactions. That person should no longer be the person that you call when you want to share your ambitious goals with. The small thinker and the doubter is not going to help you get to where you want to go.

14:02
You need to ask yourself; who do I have in my inner circle that has similar aspirations and goals as me, or that I know would be genuinely excited about the same things that I am? This is the person who you call. Do yourself a favor. Call the right friend for the right thing. We all know exactly what kind of reaction we're gonna get out of our closest friends, or our closest family members. We know exactly if we call them for X, this is how they're going to respond. Use that knowledge to your advantage guys.

14:44
It's almost like having a list of vendors. Who might you call to fix your AC? Who might you call to come clean up your house? You wouldn't call the house cleaning company to fix your AC right? But we do things like that all the time with our friends without putting any thought behind it. We call the wrong friend for the wrong thing and then we're disappointed at how we feel afterwards. And then maybe we're bitter towards them or now have some animosity towards them for making us feel this way. So really by us just not calling them in the first place and sharing that thing with them, we're doing ourselves a favor. But we're also doing them a favor, the relationship a favor as a whole. We don't have to feel that animosity towards them because of how they respond. We can have the awareness ahead of time to go oh I know that that's not the response I’m looking for so I’m just going to go a different direction here. 

15:46
When it comes to how do you start to let go of some of the relationships in your life that might no longer be good for you, or might be toxic for you, I try to think of it as simply as possible. Because it is something that feels uncomfortable, feels a little bit scary, feels like how the heck am I supposed to just wash my hands of this person. It’s like hold on, let’s pause. We’re not washing our hands of anyone. We don’t need to do that. I think it’s just really a matter of starting to spend less time with the people who don’t make you feel good and spending more time with the people who do make you feel good. 

16:33
That simple. You can still go to all the things that that persons at. You can still see that person sometimes. And if you’re invited to something that they’re at or they invite you to something and you feel like saying yes, cool. But you no longer have to go out of your way to see or talk to them. So it's just spending less time with them. And then you now have this opportunity to start spending more time on the people that make you happy. Or the people that motivate you or inspire you rather than beat you down, or make you feel like some version of yourself you don't even want to be.

17:12
Maybe you have that old friend from high school and they have the same old habits and the same attitudes and beliefs they did in high school and you're like, I'm over here a whole changed human now so I don't really click with this person anymore. I think in our 20s and 30’s we all really start to do a little bit of cleaning up so to speak or just putting some more intentionality behind who we spend our time with rather than just being friends with whoever or keeping the same friends we’ve always had because it’s just been that way forever. 

17:46
And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a core group of friends that you’ve always had. It is quite possible to have friends forever and to grow and evolve and move through life together. These are beautiful friendships. I am lucky enough to have these kind of friendships. Two of my closest friends I’ve considered my best friends since elementary school. But I’ve also left behind some people along the way and found new friendships along the way that serve me better at this stage in my life. 

18:24
I really believe that we have different friendships at different times in our lives for different reasons. They all teach us something about ourselves and about life. And we should honor all of our friendships. But to me part of honoring something is making sure that you keep it healthy and happy, so to speak, and you are able to speak proudly of it. So when you are no longer able to speak proudly about a friendship or a relationship in your life and it’s not making you happy or healthy anymore, you may just need to rethink that relationship and its worth. You can break away. Shout out Kelly Clarkson. Maybe while you’re writing your “friendventory” list you can be playing ‘Breakaway’ in the background. [laughter] 

19:11
But guys, we should always be trying to leave places, people, things better than when we found them. So, I feel like I need to just speak to the other side of this situation having to do with friends. Because you know the door swings both ways. Friendship is a two way street or it should be. So I'm not just saying to look at our own friends and to start getting rid of people that aren't good and to start bringing in new “positive polly’s” to your circle. I'm also saying here that maybe you should look at what kind of friend you are being. Do a little self reflection on what kind of influence you're having on someone's life. Are you being supportive, loving, caring, kind, encouraging. Are you lifting other people up in your life? The people that you're spending the most time with. The people who maybe your name shows up on their “friendventory” list. And maybe you're one of the five people that are most influencing them in their life.

20:20
As a leader I think it's our responsibility to be self-aware enough to know what kind of influence we're having on someone's life. We have the power to positively affect someone and that's a beautiful thing. So let's positively impact their lives. Not the other way around. I don't know about you, but I wanna be someone who is lifting another person up. Who is making my friends believe in themselves more. Who's making my friends feel empowered to take risks to go after their dreams. Who's making my friend or my family member feel like they have someone that they can really talk to when they need a listening ear.

21:07
So, what kind of friend are you being, or family member are you being? And what kind of friends and family members are you spending most of your time with? And are they making you feel good? Are they making you feel like ‘ugh’ every time you’re around them and with them. Put people around you that make you feel joy or just people that you know are bringing some value, some good stuff into your world. 

21:37
Alright yall, well I hope you enjoyed today’s episode and if you did then hey, be a friend. Be a real pal. Leave me a 5-star review. The more reviews I get, the more listeners will find this show. And while I'd be perfectly happy if just one person listened to each episode, I'd really prefer to get these messages across to as many people as possible. So, thank you in advance for your help with this. I truly appreciate you.

22:07
And if there's anything that you'd ever like to hear me chat about or just if there's ever a moment where you're going, I wish Jamie would make an episode about this, tell me! Share that with me. Send me an e-mail at JamieSmith@allthingsleadership.com. I'll put that in the show notes. I can't wait to hear from you.

22:25
And if you're interested in working with me as your coach, book a free discovery call with me using the link in my show notes. I'd love to help you get past all the limiting beliefs you may have, get clarity around what you want in your life, so that you can start moving forward towards that. I can guide you in achieving those goals and ultimately, I can help you live a more balanced and more fulfilling life. Sound like something you want? Well guess what? You can have it! It’s available for you! Book that call with me and I’ll tell you all the ways that I can help you as your Coach. 

23:05
Until next time friends, go out there and lead the life you want to live.