Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Happily Even After shares weekly insights and tools to create more fulfilling relationships with yourself, your family and God. Jennifer is a certified life coach that was married for 26 years . She has 4 amazing children and 1 son in law. She doesn’t have it all figured out but she has lots of personal experience and has learned what to do and what not to do in relationships. I help women and men who have experienced betrayal in their marriage or have been divorced learn that their is happiness to be had even when your life doesn't go as planned.
Happily Even After with Life Coach Jen
Reclaiming Your Narrative: The Impact of Pretty Little Thoughts
Ever wonder why some thoughts, as innocent as they may appear, can spiral into a world of hurt? Join me, Life Coach Jen, as I unravel the surprising truth behind the thoughts that shape our emotional world, particularly in the wake of betrayal, divorce, or illness. We often blame our circumstances for our sorrows, but I'll show you how it's really the narratives we tell ourselves that hold the power. In this heart-to-heart, you'll learn about 'pretty little thoughts' and embark on a thought download exercise that promises to not only reveal the hidden thorns in your mental tapestry but also guide you toward emotional liberation and genuine joy, even when life seems unforgiving.
Shifting gears, we delve into the profound connection between our thoughts and the choices we make daily, and how coaching can illuminate the patterns that might be holding us back. I bring a curious and non-judgmental lens to the complex dance of parenting and maintaining intimate relationships. We'll tackle the daunting decision of divorce, peeling back the layers of fear and uncertainty to find clarity and confidence. By embracing our feelings and fully understanding our situations before we leap into change, we can process our emotions and secure the self-belief needed to make decisions that truly resonate with our core selves. Join me on this transformative journey, and let's reclaim the narrative that shapes our lives.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
Hi, friends, welcome to Happily, even After. I'm Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I'm a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing senora, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabler and a snuggler. I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself and your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life's greatest challenges. Hey, friends, welcome to today's podcast. Thanks so much for tuning in and listening to my podcast every Monday. I really appreciate your love and support.
Speaker 1:So today I was thinking of different things that I want to talk about, and I want to talk about the power of our thoughts, because I don't think we understand how powerful we can be when we think different thoughts and also how unempowered we can get when we think different thoughts. So I just am going to discuss some things that I've been thinking about, and I think many of us think that our circumstances are what is causing us all our pain, but it's really our thoughts, and so I want you to think about that, because especially women that have gone through betrayal have experienced betrayal, people that have experienced betrayal or divorce or an illness or anything hard. I think we want to blame and we think that everything is about that experience and that circumstance and that is just a neutral experience in our life and there are lots of thoughts attached to that. And I'm not saying that we don't want to think a thought that makes us sad or angry. That's not it at all. Sometimes we definitely want to be sad or mad about a thought and experience in our life, but when we can understand how our thoughts, we have a lot more control over our thoughts than we think we do.
Speaker 1:Many times we think our thoughts are facts. So if you are telling someone a story like this happened, this was horrible and can you believe this, and you just say a lot of adjectives and you really elaborate on the story, a lot of times those are just thoughts about it and we add a lot of drama. Many times, especially when we're experiencing something like infidelity or divorce, we add a lot of drama to the situation, which is sometimes helpful, but those are not facts. Like he is such a jerk. We can't take a blood test and diagnose someone as a jerk. A lot of people might agree with us, but there's going to be a lot of people that don't agree with us and they're going to be like oh my gosh, he's amazing. How could you say that about him?
Speaker 1:So the idea of this is the awareness Awareness is your best friend and becoming aware of what you're thinking. And no, we have thousands of thoughts per day, so we don't need to analyze every single thought. But if you have a thought that's creeping in often, maybe take a look at it and see why am I thinking that? Is that helpful? Is it unhelpful? When I think that thought, is it causing me pain? How do I feel when I think that thought?
Speaker 1:And many times we have what I want to call our pretty little thoughts. They sound nice, but they are causing us a lot of pain. And one of the thoughts that I was thinking that's a pretty little thought that actually caused me a lot of pain was families are forever, my marriage is eternal. All those thoughts in my life like that's a happy thought, right For most people, and it was a happy thought for me for years and years and years. Like I used to sing my kids every night. One of the bedtime songs I sang to them was families are forever. And even though some of them, you know, don't really attend church anymore. I think they have that song memorized and grained in their heads. And that's a nice thought. Right, families are forever. But it came to a point in my marriage that that thought was very painful for me because my family was, in my mind, not forever anymore. I was getting divorced, I was ending my marriage, and so that caused me a lot of pain.
Speaker 1:And so I think, also being aware, when you talk to someone, like you know, when someone dies like I just recently celebrated my brother's tenure anniversary from dying right and people are like, oh, you'll see him again someday. Or like you know, there's lots of things we just say and they feel like we're just being nice. But to say that to someone that has just lost their brother even has lost their brother 10 years ago or their child, that can be painful, that's not a very nice thought. It sounds nice Like it feels like, oh, that's such a nice thing to say, but it really isn't. So those thoughts are worth looking at. When you find a thought like, oh, I should be a better mom Any time, we add should in that we need to really look at that thought, just be curious and just question that and just pay attention to how you feel, because sometimes our nice, pretty little thoughts are actually hurting us or they're keeping us stuck. It's like we're punching ourselves in the face every time we think them.
Speaker 1:So one thing that I like to do is get a piece of paper and just write down all my thoughts and especially the ones that I'm ruminating on that. I'm thinking over and over again and I like to call this a thought download, and so don't write your circumstance, don't write the thing, just write all your thoughts down and probably you're going to get some feelings in there and I think it's helpful if you're not judging them. You're just writing all your thoughts down, like if you were doing the exercise like judge your neighbor, like all the things that you'd write about them. Do it with yourself, just write down all your thoughts and don't judge them, just get them all out and then circle those thoughts that either have come up several times or that look like a nice thought and then just start questioning them. And I just think this exercise is so helpful and I have gotten I'm not like so good at it, but like I've just become so much more aware of my thoughts that I can just pick them out in my mind without necessarily writing them down.
Speaker 1:And then sometimes I will write them down and be like, oh, of course I'm sad or of course I'm mad because I was thinking this thought, and then get curious about the thought and do you wanna think that anymore? And sometimes, yes, I wanna think some of these thoughts until I work through them through, I process my pain, my feelings, and then I might try on like I'm trying on jeans or a new outfit try in a different thought and I kind of play with it and I think about it for a while and think could I think that thought? Do I believe that thought? Yet Sometimes it takes me a lot longer than others and sometimes I can get to that new thought really quick. That just alleviates the pressure and the feeling of the negative feeling a little bit more and I've just find that so helpful.
Speaker 1:One thing I've noticed that when I know like, oh, I have some work to do around this thought is if I get triggered, like someone says something to me and it like triggers something inside of me, like, oh, and I wanna get defensive or I just kind of close off, then I know. Instead of fighting with that person or telling them all the reasons that they're wrong to think that about me, I just try to go inward and get curious and like, oh, what about? That is hurtful, because someone could say, well, someone could make fun of my cooking. I know I bring up my cooking a lot. My boys could be like mom, can you please make something? And this happened this weekend and I was like guys, like I'm just not in the mood, I don't really want to, and so we're gonna order pizza. Are you guys okay with that? Perfect, and I didn't make that mean anything about me being a good mom or any moral decision about that thought. I just was honest, I told them and I was totally okay with that.
Speaker 1:Now, years ago, had that same scenario happened, I probably would have done a tailspin on like I suck, I'm a bad mom, what's wrong with me? Why can't I make dinner tonight? And I would make it this huge moral issue. And so I feel like I've done a lot of work around that and so it doesn't trigger me. But maybe there's something else that someone could say to me, and maybe about my weight or how I looked. I might be like oh you know, or if they compared me with someone else.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that would bother me so much, but I think it for sure used to do that and so just pay attention when you get triggered by what someone says to you and then what your thought is, and that is where you might have some work to do. We all have work to do, so don't think like, oh, thought work, I'm gonna figure this all out and I'm never gonna have a bad thought again. That is not true, nor would you want it to be that way, because we're all humans, we're living a human experience and we're gonna have bad days, good days, all kinds of days. But just, it's good information, especially if you want to have awareness and empowerment in your life, which is what I want to do, because I don't want to be the victim of someone else's thoughts about me or my negative thoughts about me. I want to be aware of them and try to look at them and decide do I want to believe that thought anymore? And Going back to like families are forever?
Speaker 1:Of course, I still believe that thought, but in my life that's gonna look different and I don't even know how that looks. I just know, yeah, me and my kids. I'm their mom forever, their dad is their dad forever, like they're never gonna have another mom or a dad. But our family looks a little different and you know, I'm not gonna worry about the eternities because I'm living my life now and so I'm not gonna focus and get hung up on that and I think a lot of people get hung up on the eternities. I'm like, well, live for today. Like stop focusing on that part, and so for me, that is like I don't know how that's gonna look, but it's okay because I'm just gonna show up every day as the best mom I can be and love my kids, and so that gives me a lot more like the pressure off and Takes the drama out of my thought. So, anyways, so when you get triggered, just know like that is something inside of you that still needs some healing, it still needs attention and it would be helpful to Look at it.
Speaker 1:Do a thought, download about it. If you have a coach, talk to your coach about it. Like that's what I love about having a coach. I get coached every week. I have my own coach because things come up for me every week all the time and I'll write him down, I'll be like it's interesting, I've been thinking this and this is how I'm feeling, and, and we just talk about it, and sometimes I can get rid of the thought Super easy. Or I just I'm like, oh yeah, I don't know why I went down the negative rabbit hole, but you're right, I did do that and now I'm gonna choose to think something different. It is just so helpful to have someone else Sitting across from you telling you like, oh, that's interesting that you chose to think that thought.
Speaker 1:There's millions of thoughts out there that we get to choose to think, and why are you sticking to? I'm not enough, or whatever. So I mean, there's a million thoughts that I could think about, but so just look at yourself and see what thought you are thinking. Another Thought I think people get stuck on is I just want to do what's right. That sounds nice, right, right? I say that all the time, but anyways, there isn't a right or wrong. I think when we get into, everything has a right or wrong. You're gonna cause problems for yourself, because there are lots of ways to do things and get curious, especially with your kids when they do something or say something. Just don't automatically go to. Well, that's not right or, you know, that's wrong. The right or wrong. I think we can get in a lot of trouble in our thinking when we go so black and white.
Speaker 1:Another thing is, I think a lot of women who are deciding like, do I want to stay married or get divorced? And I actually spoke to a woman this week that she was telling me all the things her husband was doing. He was having multiple affairs, he was Anyways doing a lot of stuff like that. He was not dedicated to their marriage. But then she says, but he's such a good dad and a provider. So it's almost like she wanted to think and of course he might have been a good dad and a provider, but sometimes we wanna pretend like the fair part isn't in also our decision making and our thoughts, and so it's like we can't just ignore that part of it and go to well, he's a good dad and a provider. Yeah, that's a nice thought, but we also have to remember the other parts of the situation. That would be a circumstance, right, and what do we wanna think about that? Do we wanna just ignore the fact that my husband's having an affair? But I just wanna think he's a good dad and provider, but he's sex as a husband, right? I wouldn't say, like, cheating on your spouse does not equal. I'm an amazing husband or wife, and so just be curious about that. Like, why are you so fixated on the thought he's a good dad and provider and ignoring the rest of it? And of course, it's scary, right, there's a lot of fear involved. I know I had a lot of fear in the thought of getting divorced. I was terrified and so it almost paralyzed me, and so that thought was really hard for me to come to grips with it. It took me a long time to get there and I'm so grateful I did. But that process is gonna be different for everyone. So I just want to encourage you to.
Speaker 1:If you're struggling with a situation, if you have a circumstance that you're like, nope, if the circumstance would change, then I could think differently. Yeah, that might be true. It may be you could think differently, possibly, but why not try to figure out what's actually going on in the circumstance you're in before switching it, because I think our society, we are in a I don't want to feel this way, so I'm just gonna move, I'm going to get divorced, I'm going to sell my car, because I think a new car will make me feel better. I can think new thoughts. I'm gonna switch jobs. The second we feel uncomfortable or get any sort of negative emotion. We want to switch our circumstance.
Speaker 1:But really, if you can sit in your circumstance, think about what you're thinking, process any pain that you're feeling and then decide what do I want to think instead? What do I want to do instead? And it could be I want to get divorced. That's the conclusion I came up with when I decided do I want to stay in this marriage and have my husband continue having affairs? No, and that comes from building self-confidence and lots of other things. But today I just want you to think about your thoughts, and especially those pretty little thoughts. They sound nice, they sound like that's a good thought to have, yet it's causing you so much pain. Thanks so much for listening. I'd love to help you in any way that I can. I'm always here. Send me an email and we will talk soon. Have a great day If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello. At lifecoachjenn with onencom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let's work together to create your happily even after.