Inspired Budget

#137: Balancing Finances and Values in Relationships with Karina F Daves

• Allison Baggerly • Episode 137

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Ever found yourself bickering over budgeting with your partner? Allow relationship coach Karina F Daves to shed some light on this all-too-common issue.

Karina's poignant insights about the significant role of aligning values when it comes to spending, and her personal experience of transitioning from a full-time tech gig to entrepreneurship, promise to offer a fresh perspective on money and relationships. She encourages taking a step back from the nitty-gritty of financial decisions, instead focusing on the clash of values that often fuels money disagreements.

Karina's journey isn't just about balancing a job and a passion project; it's a story of resilience, setting boundaries, and effective communication within a partnership. Working through the challenges of a demanding tech job while building her coaching business, she is finding the right moment to make a leap of faith into full-time entrepreneurship.

Together with Karina, we explore the nuances of managing finances within a relationship, especially when one partner is on the cusp of a career transition. This episode is a call to action for couples to start those crucial money conversations and create a strong financial foundation for their relationship. So tune in, you might just find the key to transforming your perspective on money, relationships, and life transitions.

Find out more about Karina here
Follow her on instagram @karinafdaves
Check out her podcast here

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Speaker 1:

When you argue with your partner about money, you're more so arguing about your money values than you are about the lack of money or how you're spending. Like it's more about the values, and plenty of times couples get stuck in a cycle of arguing about money over and over again because you're not having the actual conversations you need to have.

Speaker 2:

Hey, this is Allison, and welcome to the Inspire Budget Podcast, where we talk all things budgeting debt and saving money. Today, we have a special guest, karina F Daves. As a relationship coach, karina teaches women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values and standards to elevate their marriage and themselves. Today, karina and I talk about the connection between marriage and money, and we discuss different strategies for navigating financial discussions, and she shares some insights into currently what her and her spouse are working on when it comes to their money and some big life changes. You are in for a treat. This is an incredible conversation. Let's dive in. Welcome, karina to the Inspire Budget Podcast. I could not hit record fast enough because I cannot wait to talk to you about marriage, money and life transitions.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, let's do it. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited.

Speaker 2:

Yes, okay, so give all of our listeners a little bit of a backstory about you, what you do, and then kind of the transition that you're starting to make in your life.

Speaker 1:

Beautiful. Okay, so my name is Karina F Daves. I am a relationship expert and I work with women to help them stop arguing and have more sex in their relationships. I was a social worker for over a decade in higher ed and then I transitioned out about two years ago actually into tech, which is my full-time job, and three years ago I opened up my coaching business and I've been doing them both at the same time, while having a family partner and all of the goodness and not-so-goodness that comes with it all.

Speaker 1:

And how I landed here it really came from a place of. I actually was a professor for five years teaching women's global leadership. I always loved mentoring women and then I sort of really fell into helping moms, which then led into relationships, and that really spiraled from the story of just really losing myself and my responsibility and my relationships as a mom which many of us have a very similar story and getting myself out of that through the many benefits of having boundaries and having communication that actually has comprehension, because you can communicate yourself in circles. But if you don't have comprehension in your partnership, it's really not going to get anywhere. You'll get more over arguments and you get through them, and so all of that led into how I help people now. So that's where I'm at and Allison and I she actually asked me like where are you in life? And I was like, girl, I'm saving now because things are moving, so yeah, and it's very exciting.

Speaker 2:

I know that change, life change can be really scary. So right now you have a job in tech and I'm guessing I mean I don't know, this is just me saying from as someone who does not have a job in tech, nor do I have any family members with jobs in tech I'm guessing that you're doing pretty well, you're making a good, substantial income and you've been working on this business in the background for how many years? Three, that's a lot. So I only made it two until basically, something had to change. I had to choose because everything had kind of fallen apart for me and I couldn't keep doing both. So you're at this point now where you've realized something has to change right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and that actually happened. I'm trying not to get emotional. That actually happened this week that I realized something had to change and it was because I got a phone call last Thursday that I needed to be on a plane to Brazil that Saturday. Oh my gosh, and it happens frequently, but never.

Speaker 1:

It never really clashes with something else that I have going on in my business, and this time it did because I had to speak at a conference this past week in Arizona. So I got the phone call that was like we need you urgently in Brazil.

Speaker 1:

For your full-time job For my full-time job, yep, and my full-time job is a regional manager of employee experience, so I cover all of employee experience for our America's office. That includes the US and La Tom, which is Brazil, and so they're like we need you out there. We need to move in about two, three weeks and usually a move is a couple months, like we're talking six to eight months.

Speaker 1:

So you need to make it happen in a couple of weeks and the kicker is that you're going to go, you're going to come back and then you actually have to go back again. And I was like dang. So I already knew I had the speaking engagement booked in Arizona, so I left for Brazil for Saturday and I came back Thursday morning jet-legged and I then flew out to Arizona Friday and I just got back from Arizona yesterday and during that transition I had the exact moment that you're talking about, where you're saying something has to change, and a couple of months ago I was coming off of my coaching mastermind and that's where I basically for me, it's a community of other business coaches and the main person running it where I'm getting help with strategy. I have a community of girlfriends. Like it's good for me, I think, especially with a nine to five A lot of that conversation, while I can build my business and have strategy and make amazing content and have sales calls and have clients it's amazing and be fully booked out, which is where I was up to, I think.

Speaker 1:

Two weeks ago I started to realize like I need to have a date, a date of when I'm going to quit, because, if not, I'm going to be running myself in circles. Well, lo and behold, I joined a money mastermind to figure out, like how do I save for money? Is my money right?

Speaker 3:

I'm all about like getting educated.

Speaker 2:

I love it.

Speaker 1:

Alison loves it. Obviously because we met about money right, like we were at a money conference and at that money conference I'm listening to everybody talk and like I think I have a very surface level understanding of money where I'm like the 401K is taking care of If I die. Life insurance is there, but I felt like I had to put it on steroids If I had to put my money on steroids if I wanted to transition out.

Speaker 1:

Now, when I transitioned to tech two years ago, my husband left his job at Nissan his entire career that he had built at Nissan for me to do this tech job, because the business was only a year, and I then became head of household, which is a whole other thing we can talk about. But, anyways, I'm in the process of having that moment where something needs to change, and you're catching me in the middle of that, so you can ask me whatever you want, but, like, I'm literally in the middle of planning for that and the only thing I have right now is my quit, my job fund which.

Speaker 1:

I opened up in a brokerage account in Vanguard and I pay myself there. So instead of like paying myself and having it in a savings, I'm paying myself and I'm putting it in there, and that's that's all I got for now.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, well, I think that that's a really amazing start, because that's exactly what I did. I had this. I had a savings account. It was literally called quit teaching fund. Yeah, that's what it was. The name of the savings account was my quit teaching fund, and what I did was I took essentially the profit that I was making from inspired budget at the time that I was able to work on the weekends and late at night, and I just funneled it into this account. And that account was essentially this kind of fallback option for me whenever I did leave teaching and I no longer had that paycheck to kind of cover me and I was like, okay, I have three months of paying myself, so if for the first three months I don't make money or something happens, I have this, this security blanket, if you will right, because you are making money from your business. It's just, is it enough?

Speaker 1:

And then it's going from that salary position to this up and down roller coaster and I think also having the pressure of being essentially the head of household, the breadwinner, the person who brings home the money, that's a lot of extra pressure on top of that it definitely is, and I think my plan right now was join this mastermind and get coached on your current values and strategies of money and what can change about them to match the life you do want to live if you didn't have the full-time job. And so I think I spent I've spent the last three, four months. Really. My money coach was Gina Knox, like really figuring out okay, this is how we're going to pay some of the debt off. This is how we're going to pay ourselves myself, this is how we're going to save to quit all of those things.

Speaker 1:

And in the back of my mind, yes, there is this pressure because of being head of household, and I think that there are days where I don't feel the pressure and there are days where I feel it a lot, and I feel it a lot on the. It's so interesting that we're talking about this. You had said we can make it a coaching session. That's how I feel right now. I feel it a lot on the days that good things happen, and let me explain. So I recently I actually have not shared this publicly, so your listeners will be the only ones that can know about this- oh my goodness, I feel so honored.

Speaker 1:

So Jada Pickett-Smith's brother, Caleb Smith Caleb Pink, excuse me reached out to me a couple weeks ago to be the main relationship coach on a reality show called Loving Latin, where we will save marriages.

Speaker 2:

Congratulations. When does all this? Hopefully so the contract's been signed.

Speaker 1:

No, right now we're in the pitching phase. We're meeting again this week. We've been meeting for about three weeks right now and it's going to be pitched and then it'll be pitched to. Then more writers will come in and then they'll pitch it to the bigger networks like Netflix and Lifetime and whatever. The same week that that happened, I got tapped by a marketing agency that wants that has a dating app as a client that wants me to be the face of their dating app and they are in love with the fact that I can speak Spanish and English very well. And I think that part of that conversation which is what made me happy but also made me shoot, I feel tugged a little bit is that I get the sense that they want to work with me to develop even bigger things, like conferences and relationship things, just on a bigger scale, and so I feel very much when you have a nine to five and you're building your business, your brain is being an energy, you're going back and forth. Do you remember that feeling?

Speaker 2:

Oh yes.

Speaker 1:

You're planning curriculum, but then the next day you're working on a client or a business. It's a little bit weird, and so on the days that these calls happen, or on the days that this gets pitched to me, I feel happy, but then immediately feel the pressure of shoot. This has to work out.

Speaker 2:

This has to work out. Yeah, because, if I want to be able to, you also have this light at the end of the tunnel and you're thinking this has to work for me to reach that light, because right now you're being pulled in so many directions, not just in terms of your career, but in terms of your time, in terms of your family, in terms of where you're putting your effort and attention, and you obviously I'm sure you don't want to live in that space forever where you're being pulled in all of these directions. And so it's like all of these opportunities, they are opportunities for you to be aligned where you really want to be and what's really good for you.

Speaker 2:

So I love that you're taking this step of figuring out. Okay, what do I need to believe about money? What do I need to do financially to prepare myself for this big leap? Because that's exactly what it feels like right, Like this massive leap into what feels like the unknown, and a lot of ways in the past has been seen as almost irresponsible, Really like if you think about it. I think about how creating businesses and kind of going into the unknown has been seen as irresponsible for many years, and that's not necessarily the case at all, Can it be Sure? But also signing up for a nine to five that you hate could be considered irresponsible.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 3:

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Speaker 2:

I'm curious how you and your husband are managing this together, because I know that you're going through this money mastermind. You have your quit, my job fund that you're starting up. Where are his thoughts around all of this and how is he helping support you and what are you guys working on together in terms of finances so that you can take this leap and feel really good about it?

Speaker 1:

Such a good question when I started, so my sister got blood cancer the same year that I transitioned. I know.

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh, fine, she's great. I'm so sorry. I love it. You're just like look, just drop a bomb there, okay.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she's in remission now. Okay, but the same year that Stacey got blood cancer was the same year that I wanted to launch my business and that she was gonna move in with us. Stacey moving in with us and us taking care of her really hit our finances, but it really hit the conversations that we needed to have for what's happening now.

Speaker 2:

Oh, yeah, wait, oh, let's talk about those. What kind of conversations did you have to have?

Speaker 1:

So I and for anybody that's in a relationship, when you argue about money, I want you to know that you're more so arguing about your values of money than you are about the lack of money.

Speaker 1:

Repeat that, please. When you argue with your partner about money, you're more so arguing about your money values than you are about the lack of money or how you're spending, like it's more about the values, and plenty of times, couples get stuck in a cycle of arguing about money over and over again because you're not having the actual conversations you need to have, which are and I have a whole podcast episode about this. It's called how To Stop Arguing About Money and have More Sex, and it's literally what I walk you through is the fact that, like when money comes up, you need to have a conversation of their money beliefs, and I know it sounds kumbaya, but it's the core of why both of you feel the way you do about money. So, for example, when that happened, it was the moment where I had to say okay, why are you such a like penny pincher?

Speaker 2:

Why are you the way that you are? Yeah, like, why are we fix that?

Speaker 1:

Yeah where does that come from? And, without judgment, like curiosity, right, like, tell me more about yourself. And I think we think that once the ring is on our finger and we're married, that we know everything about each other. But I can tell you that I've been married to about 20 different versions of my husband and he's been married to about 50 versions of me, because you change right, like you evolve, and I remember having conversations of like, why are you such a penny pincher? Like what is it about saving? Like what is it about Do you have money traumas? And it was in those moments where we discovered that, like, divorce was very big for me, losing money was very big for me, bankruptcy was very big for me, and so, for him, saving was for emergencies, and I was like this is an emergency. Yeah, he answered and he's like oh, and I'm like yeah, this is what you've been working towards.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I'm like I'm just going to do something for this.

Speaker 1:

This is the moment yeah, this is the moment and it was having those really raw conversations about our money values. The second conversation, especially when you're building a business around money, is to understand that your partner will never fully understand the business that you're building, the way you understand it and the way that money moves in your business. And I think that sometimes there is this expectation that, in order for our partners to support us, we have to understand the mechanics of our business. But they don't. They need to support you the way that you need them to support them, and vice versa. For example, my husband is a race car driver. I don't understand why a motor can cost $15,000. I think it is the stupidest thing to invest in. In the same way that he doesn't understand why I would invest 5K in a money coach, right? Or 5K in a coaching program. He doesn't understand the mechanics of each other's business because that's his thing and this is my thing.

Speaker 1:

And so now to answer your question, the conversations that we're having now are more so about what's the next move, not so much like getting on the same page, but the strategy. So I had actually called him last, maybe Friday, I can't remember when I called him, but I called him and I said, hey, I have a really big feeling that all this is gonna work out. If it does, can we quit? What do you think? Can we just be done? And his first answer, or actually question, was do you think we'll be okay? And I said I think so, I think we'll be OK. And he said he said Effort, let's do it. And I was like OK and I think. But that came after all those big conversations.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you know what I mean.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You did the work in advance, in advance, and the questions we were asking each other now was oh, since the health care is under you, let me call HR, because we're in the middle of that season where we have to switch over. And should we switch over now, or does this count? If you quit your job, does it count as a life change and then can we quit later? So we're having those conversations right now. If you listen to any of my content, you know how much I love God, and earlier this year my husband had said to me he picked me up from the airport yesterday and he reminded me that he said this to me. He said I told you that God told me earlier this year that this was your royal year, that this was your royal year. I saw purple and this was your royal year. And it's exactly what's happening. And when you have good things happen. Things need to evolve and change. So that's where we're at. Oh my gosh, I love it.

Speaker 2:

And I love that you guys have, years ago, laying the groundwork completely unaware that you were laying the groundwork, then for what you have now. And I think that there's so many people that during that laying the groundwork phase it's hard and there's fights and there's arguments and you're not really understanding each other. And if you're willing to push through that, then you reap the benefits of it for years and years and years to come, and even for things that you could never have imagined, like what you're going through now.

Speaker 1:

And money was at the forefront of it. And the last thing that I'll share, which I don't talk about a lot, is that when I became head of household, I was in my office about maybe a week or two in and Terrence had I literally I feel like I'm sharing so many things I never talk about.

Speaker 2:

I love it. This is so good. Can you come back and we'll keep going.

Speaker 1:

You guys get all the juice. I love it. Terrence leaves Nissan and he has his gun license, so he goes to this gun shop. That makes him feel better. That's nearby our house and there's a guy sitting in the corner and he works. We live in Jersey, near Princeton University and he's talking to the gun shop owner and he's like listen, man, I'm looking for a job where I can take care of my kids, I can pick them up from school and all this. Karina is getting this tech job and like she's going to be traveling a lot and I really need to hold down the fort. So this guy in the corner says to him hey, I have a job at Princeton. And he's like, really? And he's like, yeah, but nobody there, nobody wants this job. And he's like, what's the job? And he's like, oh, it's a janitor position. It's a very low level position. Now, we're not like old and I don't think we're young, we're. We look good. Ok, we're 36. I think I'm 36. Yeah, I'm 36. I'm 36.

Speaker 2:

So you are not old? Yeah, we're not old, we're good yeah.

Speaker 1:

But I think in his career, like after building such a high career, he comes home that day and he goes. So I basically got a job and I'm like you did and he's like I just have to interview for it, but I'm going to get in. I'm like what is it? And he's like it's a janitor and but it only pays 18 bucks an hour. And I remember watching his face and me just being like that's good, that's good.

Speaker 1:

And I think in that moment I told myself he found something. I didn't control the situation. Let him be, you're fine, even if he doesn't get a job, you'll be fine. So he goes, he starts the job, I start my job, and he comes one day into my office and he says I can't take it anymore, I need to go back to therapy. And I was like what's wrong? And he's like you being head of household is really hurting me and if I talk to you about it, I will get mad at you and you're going to try to nurse my feelings and make me feel better and it's nothing that you can solve. And my ego is being hit so hard right now because I'm not the main provider and it hurts and I think I need to go back to therapy. So I said OK, and my husband went back to therapy for about six months to his trusted therapist that he loves, and she helped him redefine what head of household meant. And I think that it was one of the biggest things that I could have done, which was to surrender my partner to let him handle it by himself and not try to fix him. But it was also very vulnerable of him and very big of him to know that he was having an issue and to go get help.

Speaker 1:

And six months into his job they tell him that nobody gets promoted until they're like a year and a half in. And I'm like that's BS. Like if you know somebody, they will help you. And he sees a flyer for a car show and he takes his race car and this guy comes up to him, goes, hey, I'm whatever. And he's like, oh, I'm Terrence Dave's. And he's like Terrence Dave's, don't you work in this building? And he's like, yeah, I have a manager role that I need you to apply for. And he's like, oh, and he's like I can't apply, I haven't been here for a year and a half. And the guy literally said it doesn't matter, you have really good work. Ethic Just apply and he gets on the interview. It's like a panel of three people. They call him and they said we've been interviewing for over a decade and we've never, met anybody like you.

Speaker 1:

We love you and we want to give you the position. And in six months he got promoted to manager.

Speaker 2:

Wow, that is so amazing.

Speaker 1:

Not only that, not only did he get promoted to manager. Okay, this is the other thing I want to talk about money and relationships when you're head of household and you're moving up and you're building your business. Not only in the year that I was head of household surrendered my husband. He was being a janitor for $18 an hour, worked on himself. Not only did that happen, but Terrence in that year became one of the fastest race car drivers in the United States in his league. Wow, Because he had the mental capacity and emotional safety at home to do that. We could have never done what we did this past year, five, six years ago at all.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's because he was willing to notice something that he was struggling with and get help from the right person.

Speaker 1:

I think that that's the part that's missing in a lot of relationships. Having a supportive partner is essential when you're trying to scale. It just is yes.

Speaker 2:

And it brings it all back to now's, the time to talk about money.

Speaker 2:

Like if you had started right now is the beginning and the best thing to do it and going all the way back to when you and your husband first started talking about money really talking about it other than just the number signs and the dollars and cents. But where do your values lie? What do you want to spend money on? Because I am very clear on what I want to spend money on and what I don't want to spend money on, and for a long time I wanted to spend money on anything and everything. If you told me it was a good idea, I thought it was a good idea, and now I know what my values are and my husband knows his values and we've aligned our values, and sometimes he values things that I don't really understand, but I'm just like, okay, that's important to you, I'll accept that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah so if you're in this, if you're in a relationship right now and you feel like you're not on the same page with your partner, start there. You don't have the conversation doesn't have to begin with how much money do we make, how much debt do we have? It doesn't even have to begin there. It can just begin with what do you dream about spending money on and what is important to you in your life, and then we work backwards to what do we need to do with our money to make that not just a dream, but to make that part of our reality.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think in my situation, when we started to have a lot of these conversations, teran shared that he wanted to be a race car driver. And I was like that's so stupid Right.

Speaker 2:

Because it's not your dream, it's not my dream.

Speaker 1:

And he's like what do you want to do? I was like I don't know, but not be a race car driver and risk my life. And he was like, yeah, but this is what I value. Like I, this is what I want to do, I don't. He's like I didn't go to college. Like I don't, I don't want a career like a nine to five, and that's not my identity. My identity lies obviously in being, you know, a husband and a good friend. But, like I really want, this is my business, this is my thing. And it was like, okay, how do we? When I comprehended the why, he was like this is my release, this is my adrenaline rush, this is what I know I can be so good at. And it was like having this radical acceptance and radical belief that like, okay, I have to support it. But support doesn't mean I have to understand it, and I think that that's where we can go. We we have to be radically crazy to a little bit with our partners and the way we accept them. You know, yeah.

Speaker 2:

I love it. Oh my goodness, karina, at the end of every episode, I like to ask our guests just three questions to get to know you a little bit more although. I feel like we know you so well because you opened up so much. The first question is what is one thing that you're looking forward to quitting?

Speaker 1:

my job.

Speaker 2:

Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

I am, I am, I'm really good at it, but I'm just, I'm ready, oh good.

Speaker 2:

Oh, the second question is what's one money mistake you've made that you would tell everybody to avoid?

Speaker 1:

Never looking at the percentage on like, if you're going to open up a line of credit, like I didn't. My first credit card, I think, was a Nordstrom credit card and I didn't realize it was like 26 or 20, maybe 4%, and I've learned that now it's not about that debt is bad, there's just expensive debt and not expensive debt. So I think those are the one of the two lessons I've been learning. I love that.

Speaker 2:

And then the last one isn't a question at all. Just finish this sentence.

Speaker 1:

My favorite thing I've ever spent money on is my favorite thing I've ever spent money on is some good food. Like I love food, like okay, I had this amazing beet salad. It was about 26.

Speaker 2:

And it was so good.

Speaker 1:

It was so good and we ordered it on our 10 year anniversary and we argued about it.

Speaker 2:

Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1:

Sitting at the table and my husband was like I don't like beats and I'm like, but I do. And he's like, but it's like 26 dollars for some beats. I'm like who cares? And the waiters like standing right there and I'm like oh, my God, I'm like yeah, I'm like you know, I'm just conversation right now, and the waiter walked away and I was like listen, I value good beats. You don't value them because you don't like beats. I like beats.

Speaker 2:

So oh my gosh.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to order the salad, the expensive salad, I'm going to order it. And he was like, oh, okay, okay, I get it, I get it.

Speaker 2:

Oh, my gosh, I love it. Oh, that's so great. See, I value Brussels sprouts, he does not. I want the expensive Brussels sprouts.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, give it to me.

Speaker 2:

Let me have the expensive Brussels sprouts.

Speaker 1:

Oh, my gosh. Food is my answer, food is my answer, I love it, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2:

That's a great answer. Oh, Karina, this was so wonderful. Can you tell our listeners where they can learn more about you and where they can find you?

Speaker 1:

Sure. So if right now you feel like you're struggling with conflict in your relationship and you're ready to overcome it, so y'all can get back to your intimacy and having more sex, I primarily live on Instagram, at KarinaFDaves. You can also go to TikTok, but please do not involve yourself with the comments. They're a little bit more spicier on that platform. Or you can go to KarinaFDavescom and look me up there and I can't wait to meet you. Thank you, allison, for having me.

Speaker 2:

Yes, thank you so much for joining us. I hope you enjoyed this interview with Karina and I hope you're enjoying the Inspire Budget podcast. If you are, it would mean the world to me If you would actually just share this with a friend. If you have a friend that you think would enjoy this episode, you can grab the link from wherever you're listening to this podcast and share it with them. I'll be back next week with another brand new episode. Talk then.

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