Season 7 Episode 1: POWERFUL LASSIES and Sobriety

Season 7 is here!! And in honor of National Sobriety Day, we’re flashing back to a conversation Master Certified Life Coach Melissa Wiggins had with the incredible author, entrepreneur, speaker and overcomer Amberly Lago. Whether you’re in recovery or are struggling in any area of your life and need a reminder that what happens to you doesn’t define you, grab a cuppa and listen in.  

·      JOIN Amberly’s UNSTOPPABLE MASTERMIND: unstoppablelifemastermind.com

·      FOLLOW Amberly on Instagram: @amberlylagomotivation

·      LISTEN to Amberly’s True Grit & Grace Podcast

·      GET Amberly’s book: True Grit and Grace - Turning Tragedy Into Triumph

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Melissa Wiggins  00:43

Hello, lassies and, lads. Welcome to Coaching and a Cup of Tea with Mummabear. We're in a new season, Season seven. And because this week was National Sobriety Day, I decided that one of the most popular episodes I've ever done was an interview I did with Amberly Lago, the author of True Grit and Grace. That's also the name of her podcast. And I also was with her last week. It is so crazy to me that last week I was in Texas with her and 30 of her master minders, spending the most incredible weekend being deeply, deeply inspired. I'm still floating on the high of it. But it reminded me of this incredible interview I did if you are looking for resilience, if you are looking to listen to a story about sobriety about what it's like to be at the pits of despair, and take it all the way to what she has done. You're gonna want to listen to this episode. Welcome to season seven, lassies. You're going to love this episode, there are lots of links in the show case notes. She has a mastermind that's open right now. They're about to get started. It's called Unstoppable Mastermind, you are going to want to check all of the notes out, and I hope you have the most amazeballs day.

 Melissa Wiggins There you are!

 Amberly Lago  02:15

Hi beautiful! Oh my gosh. You are so amazing.

 Melissa Wiggins I love i!

 Amberly Lago Thank you so much. I've been looking forward to this every time I hear one of your messages or see one of your texts. It just goes straight to my heart. So I'm so grateful for you and thanking for that beautiful cost and everything that you do. I'm so grateful for you.

 Melissa Wiggins  02:42

Well, gratitude is one of the things I want to talk about. That's one of the subjects I want to talk about, because that's one of the things I resonated with in the book.

Find the FULL Transcript here: Season 7 Episode 1: POWERFUL LASSIES and Sobriety

Transcript

 Melissa Wiggins  00:43

Hello, lassies and, lads. Welcome to Coaching and a Cup of Tea with Mummabear. We're in a new season, Season seven. And because this week was National Sobriety Day, I decided that one of the most popular episodes I've ever done was an interview I did with Amberly Lago, the author of True Grit and Grace. That's also the name of her podcast. And I also was with her last week. It is so crazy to me that last week I was in Texas with her and 30 of her master minders, spending the most incredible weekend being deeply, deeply inspired. I'm still floating on the high of it. But it reminded me of this incredible interview I did if you are looking for resilience, if you are looking to listen to a story about sobriety about what it's like to be at the pits of despair, and take it all the way to what she has done. You're gonna want to listen to this episode. Welcome to season seven, lassies. You're going to love this episode, there are lots of links in the show case notes. She has a mastermind that's open right now. They're about to get started. It's called Unstoppable Mastermind, you are going to want to check all of the notes out, and I hope you have the most amazeballs day.

Melissa Wiggins There you are!

 Amberly Lago  02:15

Hi beautiful! Oh my gosh. You are so amazing.

 Melissa Wiggins I love i!

 Melissa Wiggins Thank you so much. I've been looking forward to this every time I hear one of your messages or see one of your texts. It just goes straight to my heart. So I'm so grateful for you and thanking for that beautiful cost and everything that you do. I'm so grateful for you.

 Melissa Wiggins  02:42

Well, gratitude is one of the things I want to talk about. That's one of the subjects I want to talk about, because that's one of the things I resonated with in the book. So I want to just introduce you a little bit I didn't want to buy before you going on but you are the author of credible books that I'm holding right now. It is beautiful, True Grit and Grace, Turning Tragedy into Triumph. And I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your honesty and rawness and realness. In this book, I literally look for votes when I feel like we live in this society today where you know, it's about being perfect or looking or acting a certain way. And you kind of just said, Well screw that. I'm just gonna put it all out there. Here it is. And this is my reality. I have chills, honestly. I was so moved. I cried on a lot.

 Amberly Lago  03:41

Well, you know what? So the publisher send you a copy of your book, so you can look at the cover and everything. And my husband picked it up. And the first thing he said he read the back of it and he said, Oh my gosh, it says sexual abuse on here. They wrote sexual abuse. Yeah, I wrote about it. It's in the book. Maybe you should read the book. Like it was one of the hardest things to write about. But it was so cathartic. It was so healing because I thought that I have dealt with a lot of trauma. I mean, we all go through trauma I thought I had dealt with and I have been to therapy. I've read the self help books. I've journaled. I've done it. There was something about writing it in a book and I hand wrote probably 80% of my book in the computer typing up on because I didn't even own a computer. And so it

Amberly Lago  04:38

was very excuses. Everyone is listening. No excuses that you don't have a computer you can hand write it. Yeah, that's right. That's right. But I'm so glad we connected from so far away. Here we are. So you are a leader and resilience that is like your heart and soul as and I think the reason why I connected so deeply to the book was this idea that you put on here, which is like, what happens to you doesn't define what the future looks like, right? Because you're you are you've been through sexual abuse. You've been through issues with alcohol. You've been through the trauma with your leg. And here you are. You're on television, you have podcasts you've read in a book. I mean, like, none of it stopped you. And now, your passion is to give that to other people.

Amberly Lago  05:34

Yeah, well, you know what, I think that, look, we can't control what life throws our way as well. No, this past year with COVID has been, you know, a lot of people I think, are like, Oh, wow, this is crazy. This is out of control. And for me, it definitely felt like that. I mean, in a blink of an eye, I lost it all. I lost my career. I feel like I lost my self worth. I mean, to go from being an elite athlete, and a trainer and I owned a business. I had, I employed several trainers, and was sponsored by Nike to go from that, to being bedridden, and having to do surgery after surgery after surgery, I really spiraled down into a dark place where I didn't, I got to a place where I didn't care anymore. And there was something inside me and I know because you know, I see what an incredible mom you are. Thank goodness for my daughter's because that was like my, that was my inspiration to keep going. And by the grace of God, I asked for help. And I couldn't do it alone. And I think that if anybody is listening right now and you're struggling with anything, doesn't have to be you know that your hospital Anna's in a hospital bed, it can be that you're struggling as an entrepreneur, it can be that you're struggling as a mom to reach out for help. And I don't know why. But that was really hard for me. I think because it's such a young age, I was taught to be self reliant, and I felt like it made me less than or people didn't feel as worthy if I asked for help, but that was completely opposite. When asked for help. It changed my life. And when we can do things together, it just we're stronger. And so I think the first step is really just taking a good hard look at your life and then realizing you have a choice and in for me I feel like when I realized wait a minute, yeah, I might be stuck in a hospital bed, but I can get a you know, I had the doctors install a pull up bar in the bed so I could at least keep my upper body strong. I had a friend that brought me dumbbells from the gym, I was doing curls when I could I was making phone calls to other people to clients to give them exercise tips and so we you know, I think being resilient is focusing on what we can do instead of what we can't do. And the best way to do that is through gratitude.

Melissa Wiggins  08:20

Says highlight and delete highlight and delete

Amberly Lago  08:23

I love that you know what I've got my highlight marker right

Amberly Lago  08:32

like that you know when people will say I just I don't know how you handled you know your your son having stage or cancer right? And I I wrote a book called NyQuil for the fight and I remember a lot of people saying what are you thankful for? Like your son has stage four cancer? And I remember my husband and I both realizing that night that someone else that same very night cared the words like there are numeral in spares nothing else. Right? We heard 5050 chance and I was like, take the run like whatever I can do with it. I'm going to do with it and you know praise God counting is here and he's alive. But it was that pushing of gratitude all the way like I feel like he felt that too right like we were pushing on him like we got that we got you That's amazing

Amberly Lago  09:32

though because I think it's so hard when you know you see your children as a mom that's the hardest thing when you see your your kids not doing well or feeling sick, but cancer is like that takes a lot of grit and grace for sure. And so I see the kind of mom you are I read every one of your posts and it just it It seemed clear and credible. And I think situations like that they are an opportunity to bring your family closer together. I know it did for for our family, it was the bond that brought us closer together. And then definitely like,

Melissa Wiggins  10:15

I don't know if this is true in your world, but like, I feel like those licenses changed how I ultimately am as a mother, right? Like I, I grew up and it was like, You didn't talk about your emotions, like there's this Grog and let's just shut them all under here. And like, everything's good. And everybody's good. And I'll be like, to my kids, I see you're angry. It's okay to be angry about this. You know, you don't get to punch the wall. But yes, it's okay to feel anger. And I, I think that has just fundamentally changed how I do things. And I feel like I saw that and read that in your book where no, these are like, you just You're a different person.

Amberly Lago  11:00

Yeah, and I mean, I grew up like you were we had saints, like, Hydra crazy and be a lady like you just keep us all on, keep going.

Melissa Wiggins  11:12

Pardon those, like, let's have a bonfire together, and write them all down, it will be the funeral of all the shitty things that we should never say.

Amberly Lago  11:23

I know. And, you know, we never talked about anything, you didn't talk about anything. I mean, I remember when I finally got the courage to tell my dad, that, you know, I was scared to death, I was told by my stepfather that if I ever told anyone about what was going on, that he would kill my mom, and I believed him. I mean, not to get too heavy. That's what happened.

Melissa Wiggins  11:49

You need to you need to share that because there there could be and this is the way I look at every single show. Like when I'm going into I'm like, This is not for me, this is for somebody that is lessening, if one person changed their life, or ever buy something you're I say, like, if there's someone listening, who's being sexually abused, and they need to hear you say these words.

Amberly Lago  12:15

Well, you know, it's when you're in that position. And for me, I was a kid, and this part I haven't talked about too much. But you know, he, you trust someone, and then they betray you. And then your gut, in your gut, you're like, This doesn't feel this isn't on, right. But you have that person telling you? No, this is right. This is how dads teach their daughters, this is what you're supposed to do. And I was like, this does not feel right. It makes you feel so icky and shamed and worthless. And when I finally got the courage, because it was getting so bad to tell my dad and I said, Dad, you can't tell anybody, but this is what's going on. And my dad didn't do anything about it. He, you know, talked about it since actually, I was in my 40s When we started to talk about it. And he said, You know, I'm so sorry, you made me promise not to tell anyone. And so I didn't. And it was really a cry for help. And he did the best he could do with what how he was brought and what how he was raised. And so after that, I remember going it taught me a great lesson from that I thought, I'm gonna take care of myself. I can take care of myself. And the next time my stepfather came in my room, I kicked him and I hit him and I fought him off as hard as I could. And the look on his face. He was shocked. And he didn't say a word. And that was the last time he ever touched me. There was a lot of, you know, I never felt safe, and my home. And luckily I had an outlet and I was a dancer. And so I lived at the dance studio. And I would come home I would always wear layers after layers after layers of clothes. I didn't want anybody I didn't want to be seen. I didn't you know, I remember going on family trips and going swimming and wearing big baggy T shirts and long shorts because which was totally opposite from what I did. When I was on stage dancing, and I could be me and I could wear the pretty costume and I could shine and I could look at the audience. And I could see joy and their face and their eyes. And I loved that. So that was my outlet. was dancing was running in track and was doing all those things I loved and one of the things that fueled me to have you know, I worked for jobs when I started working when I was 13 I saved their money and packed my little bag mile Suzuki, Samara moved across the country. And I was driven by the passion, I had the love for dance. But also I knew there was no turning back. I was never never going back to that. So anybody who's listening who's struggling, and you might not be in a situation where you feel safe, or you, you know, you're have someone who is not doing treating you, right? You have, you can protect yourself, reach out for help. When finally, when I started to talk about it, and I went to therapy, I remember the first time I went to therapy, and I talked about and she goes, Oh, so she started asking me questions. And she's like, Oh, you haven't dealt with this? Yeah, I've dealt with this. No, I got this. And she's like, I don't think you've got this. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, I've got this. Well, I didn't realize that I really hadn't dealt with it until my my coping mechanisms, my tools were taken away. So I no longer work out, I can no longer dance, I can no longer be a workaholic. Because I just turned to us stuffed it down, stuffed all that shame down and compartmentalized it and, you know, tucked away and became a workaholic and an overachiever and all these things. And that's the eventually comes up, those feelings eventually come up, and they come out and the way that we parent and the way that in our relationships and

Amberly Lago  16:41

our work, right, because I feel like these parts of us, they shape and we pair it why? What do you teach your girls about sexual abuse? Or like what how do you like move that from the lessons you've learned to? I don't think we can control all of the future and protect them on your present forever, but in your made enough to feel like you can sleep at night.

Amberly Lago  17:08

Yeah. And you know, what's interesting for the longest time, and I didn't know that anything was wrong with us. But in my previous marriage, my husband got really upset with me, he had a night shift, and he would come home. And when he'd wake me up, I would wake up ready to fight. Like, I would wake up like a freaking maniac, like, come off. And he would get so upset. And I didn't know that that was a result of trauma, like I was full on fight or flight. And I thought I don't ever want my daughters to have to live like that. So I noticed, you know, I've always been very open with them and talk to them. And sometimes I think they think that I'm too open, you know, and I'm just like, Well, no, this is what's going to happen. This is what's going on with your body and puberty and all that stuff that they get a little smarmy about. But I've also talked to them about their bodies and listening to their gut, like really listening to their gut and trusting their gut because your gut never lies. And they always know that they have a safe place to come and talk with me. But it's interesting. My B started at age eight. And I remember, you know, I'm remarried. To my amazing, he's amazing. He puts up with me, my husband, and we were in we were looking through the computer and my daughter was about eight years old, and he weighed taking a bunch of pictures and there was a picture of her friend. And they were like dancing just like like I still remember the pose. They're dancing, and they were in their bikinis. And I was like, delete that picture. I got mama bear came out. I was like, delete that picture. He goes, What are you talking about this word? The pool was what? And I was like, What is wrong with me? Why am I suddenly overly protective of my daughter's and it was because she was the same age that I was when that'd be triggered you triggered me. It triggered me when they turned eight. And both my daughters my oldest daughter is 25 My youngest daughter is 12. And this one my oldest daughter was about eight years old. I got it triggered me and I got in protective mode. And so I had to talk with them again. I went to therapy again. And then my daughter when she turned eight, same thing. And so I think communication and keeping that open line and being aware. You know, I think it's so easy to get distracted and there's so many things pulling us different directions with you know, especially with social media, and our kids get on social media. And I think as parents We have to look and monitor what they see and who we of course, we can't control everything. But we do have to pay attention and be aware. And I think that you know, is as a mate, my mom is an amazing mom talk to her every day. She's the best mom. She worked so hard when I was little. And I, it was hard for me to write that part of the book. I didn't want to hurt her. And I let her read the book first. And I let her and I was like, Do you this is what it's kind of be I wrote it as as a gentle way as I possibly could. And she said, Well, yeah, can you just add in there? If I would have known, I would have done this. And I said, Mom, this isn't a book about Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, this is a book about this happened. And this is what you can do. You know, these are the steps you do not have to be, you know, burdened and weighed down by shame. You can walk with dignity, you don't have to be labeled as a big sound. And I don't even like to say the word survivor for me, because I'm like, no thrive. I don't want to be in that fight or flight anymore. I want to thrive. I love that.

Melissa Wiggins  21:25

So in the book you talk about, which is very common phrase that, you know, we both heard often, which is the progress over perfection. Explain a little bit to us about what that means for you.

Amberly Lago  21:39

Well, I was in the middle of writing my book, when everything really got heavy. So I was dealing with surgery after surgery. I lost my career. I was in the middle of writing this book, we had $2.9 million worth of medical expenses. We had a lien on our house.

Melissa Wiggins  22:00

We delegate invoices and bills for Canon and he was diagnosed eight years ago, we're still paying them. It's crazy. It's it's crazy. It is.

Amberly Lago  22:09

It's crazy. I mean, that it's a miracle. You're, I mean, it's a miracle what you've been through for sure. But for me, in the middle of writing, all of this is when I hit rock bottom, and I didn't really have tools to to overcome that and I was having all these procedures. I was had ketamine infusions, stimulator. I was on 73 homeopathic pills on 11 different prescription medication. And I was a really good target for anybody. Many charlatan is a snake oil salesman, hey,

Melissa Wiggins  22:47

I can help you your I can help you healer,

Amberly Lago  22:51

I can cure your pain. This medicine works. This patch works. This treatment works. Well this little machine works. It's only $4,000 Like you name it. I've heard it. Nothing was working. And I remember when I had a glass of wine, and I was like, Oh, well, this kind of helps with this stubborn or nerve pain. And it also helped me stuffed down my feelings of inadequacy. And, and, you know, I was I used to be a fitness model, and now I'm deformed. It's like, that was a hard pill to swallow

Amberly Lago  23:28

right there. And so I remember thinking, well, this isn't really healthy, but if it's what I have to do to get through the day, and I can do more, if I just knocked the edge off that pain. So I started self medicating with wire. And I was like, Oh man, one led to another then that didn't work. So I had a little more than did a little more. And then before you knew it, I was like, How did a good girl like me end up like this drawing every day? Yeah. Then Shane came again. Because I was hiding it. I was hiding it on the outside, I was trying to hold it all together. And on the inside, I was like barely hanging on by a thread. And so again, I can't stress enough how important it is to reach out for help, which takes a lot of courage. It really does. So, so much decision you ever make in your life, right? Because your book talks about transformation, for me. And for you. Those transformations came when we raised our hand and said you know what can't do by myself anymore. Can't do it. I remember with my drinking same thing every day. I was working as a lawyer in a timber. I would walk down to the border of my street and I would say all day I'm not going to drink tonight. I'm not going to drink tonight like I'm not doing it and I couldn't walk past the place that sold alcohol without going in there and I tell myself I'm ruining them and advice of checks you know, like I don't course I'd walk out with several bottles of wine. And it was just like I couldn't stop. And the only way I got sober was by going to recovery was being a part of a recovery program where someone was like, Oh, actually, your, your makeup and your brain is a little different from some other people. Like when you start drinking, this is what happens to you. And I was the first drink in it. Yeah, that's that, like, don't take the first one. Yeah. I feel like a, like a sobriety movement, right? Like people are saying, You know what, like, I don't feel like I'm addicted to alcohol, however, like, and I still admire it, because it's like, you don't have to go all the way to the last stop at the train station before you stay home. And I see, like, so many people doing this, and I talk very openly with my kids about alcohol. And, and they'll be and they'll say, because they see my husband have like a glass of wine or something. And they'll be like, Oh, you're allergic to now. And I'm like, You

Amberly Lago  26:09

know what, that's stupid. They're like, you're allergic to that. You know, the other day, when I first got sober, you know, it was very, there was a lot of shame around that I would, you know, my husband is a retired Lieutenant Commander with the Highway Patrol. And he was arrested people who used to drink like me, you know what I mean? And so there was a lot of shame. And he, and he was like, you don't have a problem. He was like, anybody would drink if they had to go through what you're going through. But I knew I had a problem. And that's the key is, you have to know like, we talked about listening to your gut, your gut, you, you don't need anybody else to tell you you are or you aren't. Or you do, or you don't have a problem or whatever, however, you want to say you're, you know, deep inside. And so I remember what I

Melissa Wiggins  27:06

want to be, it's like, I wanted to be anything but an alcoholic. I was like the do I don't want to be labeled that. And I remember telling you, you know, recently, I only started talking about my sobriety a year ago, and I'm 12 years sober. And, and it was still that idea of you know, that perfectionist shield that if people think I'm an alcoholic, then maybe they'll think I'm weak. Or they'll think I'm this or that instead of shifting my brain to be like, actually, I made a hard choice. And I can't do it. Like that's admirable, not shameful.

Amberly Lago  27:44

Well, I remember when I was going to a meeting when my husband so I was sneaking to meetings, by the way. When I first got sober, I was sneaking, eating. So I was sneaking, drinking, that I was sneaking going to meetings, and my husband like tracks me one day, he was following me with my iPad, find your iPhone with my iPad, then. And he called me he's like, where are you? And I'm like, well, there's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about. And I was coming back from meeting and here's what you want to like, invest more money in your business? And I'm like, no, he's like, you want to go on some spiritual retreat? And I'm like, No. And he's like, are you having an affair? And I'm like, No, I'm going to recovery. And he was like, oh, click and hung in, you know, and he had said, Well, what if somebody from the gym sees you there? And I'm like, they'll be there for the same reason.

Melissa Wiggins  28:39

I know. But Isn't that hilarious? Good. That was me. I was a lawyer in Scotland solicitor and I remember going into my first meeting and saying with my hands under my butt with a hoodie on Hey down, mortified that what if somebody sees me and recognizes me from the law firm? I get in tell my family that I'm in recovery for until I had over a year sober. And

Amberly Lago  29:07

I had six months before I told anybody I told my best friend and my husband, and that was it. And you tell me that you sat on your hands? That's the exact same thing that I did. And I had to sit on my hands because I had withdrawal and triggers so bad from the alcohol that I sat on my hands I was so embarrassed. I couldn't even eat a bowl suit girl. I was like,

Melissa Wiggins  29:34

you know, I can't so funny. The first thing of the perception of an alcoholic is this like person under the bridge homeless with no money and all these things, and it's like it could not be further from the truth. What I see in a lot of my recovery meetings is extremely successful individuals like that no one would ever imagine but the only have the light They have because they got sober.

Amberly Lago  30:03

Exactly, exactly. And, and that's what I was I, you know, I tried to explain, you know, to my husband, as well as like, oh, no, I mean, I didn't want to break anyone's anonymity. But I was like, there are some very successful people. I mean, very successful. And I was so thankful that I have the tools of recovery that helped me, not just in my my life to stop drinking, but in my business and in everything I do, and every relationship that I have. But I didn't ever post a milestone like a sobriety birthday or anything until this last year when I got five years of sobriety. And the reason I posted it is because this was the hardest year for me, it was like, just as hard almost to stay sober as it was my first year. And I only share that because it's like, there were so many feelings, and so and so many times that I was just like, Dude, I just want to shut the brain down on it, check out and I'm like, but no, that's not the way to do it. I cannot do that. But you know, going back to the way you talk to your your kids, you know, it was a while before I started talking openly in front of my youngest daughter, my, my husband wasn't really fond of that. And he was like, what she tells people at school and this amount now I'm just like, No, this is it. This is the rest of my life. And one day, we went to a market and I got some kombucha. And I didn't know it had like a little bit of alcohol. I opened the can, you could smell it. And I kind of smelled it. And as much well Bureau taste this. Does this have alcoholic? She goes, Mom, you're asking me to taste alcohol? I can't drink it.

32:04

Oh, that's awesome. I

Amberly Lago  32:06

love it. So I went through the way but I was like, I was like, Ooh, what is this? It's tricky. It's cunning and baffling. You know, I don't want to go, I don't want to test it.

Melissa Wiggins  32:17

I think the really like you say the things we learned in recovery are so helpful for all of our life, right? Like this idea that like rain is due every day, like the work of sobriety that I did yesterday doesn't help me today. The work I did yesterday doesn't help my breathing today. Like I it has taught me so much about consistency. And like my actual habits, right?

Amberly Lago  32:43

Yeah, and the thing is, like, I was so willing, I just was so willing to do whatever it took to have a better life. And so and you know, I think that there's gift in desperation. And I was desperate, I was grasping on to like, Okay, I need help here. And through that dark path, it has brought me to my higher power, I call God and how it gives me the spiritual connection that I really want in life. But it's not that I got it and everything's good. I don't want to say that. It's something that I work on every single day like you it's like, I get up and, and I know you wake up in the morning, and you have your time in the morning and you have your morning ritual that you do. And I do the same thing. And it's amazing that we live so far away from each other. And yet, we really have so much in common. And when I first met you, I just loved your energy. And you know, your your funny reels that You crack me up, they just cracked me up. And then as we got to know each other more, I'm like, Oh my God, we are soul sisters.

Melissa Wiggins  34:06

It's crazy. It's so beautiful. And I love it. And it is there are so many crappy things about the internet, and then our negative like this, right? Where I'm reading a book, I by chance, reach out to the author, and then I find out you're sober and all these similarities in our story, and it's beautiful.

Amberly Lago  34:27

Oh, well I'm just so grateful for you and to go live with you like this and to be able to talk about recovery and talk about some things that a lot of you know in the past would have been like hush hush, you don't want to talk about that. You just don't want to talk about that. And it's like, no, we need to shine a light on it. When you shine a light on shame. It can't withstand it, you know, and so yeah, you just got it, but it does take courage to Like to be and you know, for me, it was like I had to finally be still I feel like almost like the universe was like, Oh, really, you won't deal with all this stuff, we're gonna make you stuck in a hospital bed, you can't even stand up to use bathroom, you're gonna be still. And man that forced me to really have to process all my thoughts and come up with some tools. And I think the thing that helped me the most was knowing that I don't have to do it alone, that gives me hope. So when you know, you're not the only one going through something similar. Like I'm sure what you're going through the the health that you are going through, when you when you know you've just got a child with with cancer. And you connect with other parents

Melissa Wiggins  35:53

meeting every single day for like three and a half years during his treatment. Like I we were in Philadelphia, we were in New York, I had people here in my recovery circle, saying I'm gonna have someone come meet you at the hospital at this exhibit and take you to this meeting and bring you back to Philadelphia, New York, Michigan, and that and like, I get chills, because it's like recovery is everywhere, right? Like, we're everywhere. And, you know, I just, I look at so many people. And you know, they're struggling with it, right? Because there's this kind of jokey news, too, to drinking and being a mom and no, I guess, I will admit, you know, I get sensitive to it, because I just don't really think alcohol is not funny. And my husband's like, You're, like, take it so serious. And I had I do because to me, you know, if it's a slippery slope, it started for me with one glass, right? Like just to take the edge off just to take that little a drill. And then two years later, I was Oh, another and another. And they I couldn't not have it. And so I see that and I know and feel. And so I can't say for them. A better, you know, some of the joking around like mums drinking, because that's what we're showing our kids to right.

Amberly Lago  37:21

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you know, what a blessing it is to to be her. So her mom to be president to be clear.

Melissa Wiggins  37:29

I mean, I swear to God, I can know, even I'm exhausted. I like literally, this is me at night, like after a day with these kids and working and running businesses and nonprofit life. And I'm like, I can't I don't know how I would do it.

Amberly Lago  37:47

Oh, I couldn't do it. I can barely keep my schedule straight with what's right. Without it. I would be a disaster, I would just be a disaster. And you're right, though, you know, the thing is our kids are watching. And we can be an example of dignity and grace, or we can be a train wreck. And I would have been a I would be a train wreck and know that about my

Amberly Lago  38:16

sobriety. And I don't think I've ever shared this. And I don't think my husband would mind me sharing it. But I, I wrote a letter to him that says open a fire drink alcohol, and it's sealed, and it's in our safe. And it is it says in there. Should I do that, that my children should no longer be in my care. And if you know me, you don't have much I love my kids. That's a serious I am about the idea and in the way of living of not drinking alcohol every day. And it's, it's just part of who I am. Wow. Yeah.

Amberly Lago  38:59

I mean, that just That's powerful. But I know, I get it. Like I know, for me, if I did, everything would be gone. I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with my kids or my husband. And I wouldn't have the career that I have. I wouldn't be able to think straight. And so I take it very seriously. And there's something my sponsor always tells me she goes, one thing about you is you do have a healthy fear of ever gone back in and I just went on a hike with a friend of mine and it was her and her daughter, and I love them. They've been friends of mine for a long time. And and I was talking about sobriety, because we hadn't really talked much about we're talking about sobriety and and she said yeah, but you know, if you slip you slip she she's she's not an alcoholic. She said no, I just I don't drink and you know One time I had a drink, and it just makes me feel terrible. So I just don't drink that her daughter who's young say, Well, yeah, and if he's if you have a drink, then it's okay that you just stop. You just start over. It's a slip up. And I said, No. For me, there is a chance that I might not ever get back. Yeah. So I don't want to take that chance. I'm not a gambler. I don't want to take this. So many people shake that. And then they never get back into recovery. And for me, look, my family. I come there's a lot of addiction a lot in my family. I thought I was so different. I was the athlete. I was the achiever. I was there. I was the fitness girl. I was not like that. I was like, I escaped that. And, you know, I was like, oh, gosh, I guess I am that. But my brother, which I don't write about in the book, my baby brother, you know, drugs. Alcohol got best of him, led him to some really poor decisions. And he's sitting on death row in Texas. Yeah. And so that could easily be me. I mean,

Melissa Wiggins  41:13

I am not I totally agree. I say that all the time. Like, I'm really lucky that I never drove drunk and killed someone. And

Amberly Lago  41:23

I was the cause of drinker. I did, I did it to really try to just numb out the pain. I didn't want to feel I didn't want anybody to know us and pain. So I started isolating. And my world got smaller and smaller and smaller. But luckily, there was, you know, there was one time that my oldest daughter was at her father's and babes to fight in, they got in a fight. And she called me in tears. And my youngest daughter, you know, she was filling diapers. And I had one glass of wine. I remember was one glass because I remember thinking, Well, I've only had one glass, I'm okay to drive. And I was like, I gotta get my daughter. She's crying. She's screaming. And my husband comes home. I've never shared this before. My husband comes home. He's in the cop car. He gets out. He's in his uniform. And he looked at me and he smelled my breath. And he goes, Oh, my God, he goes, Did you have a glass of wine? And I was like, Yeah, but I just, I just had one. He's like, if I ever, ever catch you getting in a car, if you've even had one glass, I will divorce you. I will do this. I will get it. I was like, I just was crying. And I was like, that's that was like, put the fear in me, you know? And so thank God, I never really did that. But I almost did. Yeah. Yeah. And it's still hard for my husband. When I talk about this. You know, when I talk about sobriety, or I mean, I posted for the first time on Facebook when I got five years, and usually my husband like, shares every post and comments, and I was like, Huh, no, she didn't comment on that one. You know what I mean? It's like, but I think that if we're comfortable in our own skin, if we are like, like, we know who we are, we're comfortable. That's all that matters, then we just stay on our path in our lane trying to do the best that we can and being of service and then you know, things

Melissa Wiggins  43:44

always think like one of the things that the program is teaching is like, what are my motives behind it? Right? And so when it was like, getting your sobriety, I spoke with my mentor, and I said, you know, I, I am thinking for sharing this, and she asked me to write like, what were my motives for that. And at that time, I felt like it was because I was excited that it was teen it wasn't necessarily for the right reasons. And so I decided to wait a year, and we agreed let's just wait a year and about a year I feel like my motives are because I want to be useful and helpful and not because I want people to say oh gosh, you're amazing. Oh, wow. How did you stay sober while your kid had cancer or this or that? Like, if that wasn't the reason I was doing it. And the reason was to help another woman or another alcoholic than they my motive was correct. And I felt like I was there last year. I felt like I was doing it for the right motives. Yeah. What I do with all my life now like when I went when I want to, if I want to launch a podcast or whatever it is I want to work on am I doing it because I want to be useful and helpful and I feel like this is something the world needs He's, or am I doing it because I want to add to my ego or I want to like, make people say, Oh my gosh, how do you do for kids on a podcast? You know, like, my motives are always correct. And I will always be true to my gut and my instinct, right? Yeah,

Amberly Lago  45:15

I love that. And I think too, it's like really focusing on what you're with everything that I do, I always ask myself, what are what are my intentions for this? What? Why am I doing this? For me? It's interesting that you had the feeling of excitement. And I'm going to share this and you want people Yeah, that's awesome. For me, I almost had the opposite. Feeling like, I'm putting it out there. And all these PTA moms are gonna be like, Oh, I didn't, over, you know what I mean? So I kind of had the opposite. But the reason I wanted to share it was because I, I, it was hard. It was a hard year for me. And I kind of wanted to keep myself accountable. I also wanted other people to know that they weren't alone. Yeah. And I had a lot of people reach out to me after that, and I've taken them to meetings with me, you know, on Zoom. But that's, that's how it works. You know, I knew when I needed help, that somebody that was in recovery that I could that I could call. Now, she wasn't able to help my colder, and I was like, waited a week, she was gonna take me to a meeting and I waited a week and I was like, I can't wait anymore. I need to go right now. And so I actually Googled recovery meetings, and I found a meeting. That was when my daughter was in school and my husband was at work and I went there scariest thing I've ever done, walked in, sat in between a nun and a cowgirl.

Melissa Wiggins  46:56

Where the hell am I? Like, do I know?

Amberly Lago  47:05

What I Okay, and then when I heard people starting to share, I'm like, Okay, I'm in the right place. I'm good. Yeah. All right. So I want to read like my favorite, favorite favorite line from the book, which is in chapter 43, is called notice the gifts. That is said, what I've learned is life is a series of choices we make, regardless of circumstances. Oh, I just love it so much. I cannot believe that you are saying that you will not believe this. Do you know that part of the book was so the book was already edited. The book was already done in the last minute. I added that in. And I was like, I don't know if I should push send to the publisher because this hasn't been edited properly by legit editor, just me. And I wrote that part of the book last minute and added in and I cannot believe that's your favorite part of the book. I like well, I can I can because it's you. And we have so many things in common.

Melissa Wiggins  48:11

I just like it goes on to say I could either make the choice to give up and let my life be die to be determined by circumstances or fate to create something positive out of my circumstances. And I felt like that was the song or the mantra of my life. I when I started my coaching business, I called it they were like, What do you want to call? And I was like Melissa Wiggins don't like and they were like, don't like it. And I was like, yes, like, life is coming. We're not you and I are not exempt from anything happening tomorrow. Because we've been through things now. Because you've had your surgeries and all these other hardships. Because we've had this story with our son, like I'm not exempt from something else. Life is coming for all of us. It will be you know, whether it's teenagers getting into trouble or you know, who knows what it will be. But it's coming for us and I look at what I do today. And you do too, because you talk about the gratitude so much on here. I look at it. It's like me paying my insurance policy every day, right? That's such a great way to happen, but because I know that life is life.

Amberly Lago  49:27

I have a friend that always says well Life is life. And I'm like yeah, life is life. And then my other friend Shannon says Amberley ligustrum bus being God universe spirit. Like I'm like, okay, Gus is driving my bus. That's right, you know? Oh, I'm

Melissa Wiggins  49:45

gonna go straight my boss. I love that. That's beautiful.

49:49

Yeah, takes a little bit of the pressure off. Specially with all your kids. You're amazing. You're like Wonder Woman with all that you do and your energy and your He and I love all the humor that you do everything with and that's something that really has gotten my husband and art through a lot too is humor. And you know, even my daughter, but sometimes I wonder Oh, is is not raise her wrong my youngest daughter because something like, pretty serious I'll happen and she starts laughing. I'm like you're seriously laughing right now like when I got stung by a bee she started laughing I'm like this. That's not funny.

Melissa Wiggins  50:36

No laughter and play and fun. Like it's so funny. I'm reading a book right now. Just because we're talking about it, but it's called Play. Have you read this? No, who's yet by Dr. Your brain. It is basically our research type book where the research will play does to our mental health what play does in our life and my, my sort of infatuation with play in love and laughter started when I sent my kids to play therapy, right where the play to like, pull out some of their emotions. And then I realized like, this works for adults, do ya?

Amberly Lago  51:15

Do you know that my next post that I was going to do on for social media is talks about play. And I learned that from my daughter, my daughter came office and she was like, she goes, I was like, Oh, I have so much to do. And she I think she could hear like the overwhelming my voice. And she goes, I do and plays on my list. And I'm gonna have fun. I'm like, wow, when's the last time I put play on my list. And so she makes everything fun. Like if she's has to do a project for school, she does it on something that she loves, she dresses our dog and brings our dog to the Zoom meeting for virtual school and she gets up and dances, she jumped ropes like, she makes play all throughout the day. And I'm like, I need to learn to do that more. I need to learn to have play in my life more, you know. And so I'm gonna get that book. It's interesting that you brought that up. It's so

Melissa Wiggins  52:14

good. You'll love it. I wanted to say thank you to everyone, for being here with Amberley. And I am really you're amazing. And I'm so grateful that you took time for me. I know you're busy last day, and I just really appreciate you coming on a cup of tea with Mama Bear.

Amberly Lago  52:31

Oh, I appreciate you. Thank you so much. Are

52:35

you kidding me?

Amberly Lago  52:36

Thank you guys so much for joining in. And I just appreciate you and all that you do. And I really thank you for taking the time to read my book. I can't wait to read yours. I can't wait to spend more time with you and have you on my podcast

Melissa Wiggins  52:51

as well. Be on your podcast. I'm going to come and meet you in person.

Amberly Lago  52:56

I know we're going to meet and it is going to be fireworks I swear. So I'm serious. We are going to have so much fun. Come stay with me. Come on girl.

Melissa Wiggins  53:09

I have a lot of hats.

Amberly Lago  Oh good. I love hats. I'll give you a hat.

Melissa Wiggins You're amazing. I love you.

Amberly Lago  I love you. Thanks everybody for joining me

Melissa Wigg

bye