Season 7 Episode 6: Coaching Masters with Lindsay Dotzlaf, Part Two

What do you want in life? What do you not want to give up? If you’re in the place of knowing something needs to shift, this is the episode for you. Listen in as Master Certified Coach Lindsay Dotzlaf talks with Melissa about what happens when we reach the breaking point of not being able to do it all. Find out why perfecting your schedule is not the goal, why it’s essential to schedule time to think and what happened after Melissa did a powerful Visioning exercise in Lindsay's Coaching Masters group. Grab a cuppa and listen in to PART TWO of their conversation. 

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Lindsay:  Sometimes people will reach out to me when they're thinking about applying for coaching masters. And though they will ask me, they will want to know, I always think it's a funny question, they will want to know, kind of exactly how much work is required? Like, how much of my time is this gonna take, which I understand some of them have other jobs or, you know, coaching is like a part time thing, or, you know, whatever, there's some some circumstance in their life that they're trying to figure out, like, how much time do I need to set aside? And I always have a hard time answering that, because I know there are people like you who show up who take the homework very seriously, who probably spend more time than the average person in the mastermind, really thinking about it and going very deep, and maybe not every single week, and I don't even give homework every single week, but just really going all in right diving in saying what I'm gonna get everything I can out of this. I'm willing to go all the way there. And then I know there are people who come and it's a little more surface level. And they're like, Yeah, that was great. And, you know, probably don't spend as much time as you did. And I'm curious what like, what are the thoughts that you have about not even my mastermind, but just anything that you go into? Like that any? You know, other masterminds, other spaces that you're in? What are your thoughts about it that help you to show up that way?

Melissa: So I think, you know, I think when I sent the money to you, when I paid for the six months, I instantly was like, I'm showing up big, right? Because this is an investment. And I'm investing into a kada looked at coaching masters, like I'm building a house, right? And like, this was like the floor of the house, right? Like this is going to be what is going to stabilize my business. And I want to be known as like the best life coach for mom entrepreneurs. But in order to be that, I'm going to have to learn how to answer and ask very good questions.

Find the FULL Transcript here: Season 7: Episode 6: Coach

Transcript

Lindsay: Sometimes people will reach out to me when they're thinking about applying for coaching masters. And though they will ask me, they will want to know, I always think it's a funny question, they will want to know, kind of exactly how much work is required? Like, how much of my time is this gonna take, which I understand some of them have other jobs or, you know, coaching is like a part time thing, or, you know, whatever, there's some some circumstance in their life that they're trying to figure out, like, how much time do I need to set aside? And I always have a hard time answering that, because I know there are people like you who show up who take the homework very seriously, who probably spend more time than the average person in the mastermind, really thinking about it and going very deep, and maybe not every single week, and I don't even give homework every single week, but just really going all in right diving in saying what I'm gonna get everything I can out of this. I'm willing to go all the way there. And then I know there are people who come and it's a little more surface level. And they're like, Yeah, that was great. And, you know, probably don't spend as much time as you did. And I'm curious what like, what are the thoughts that you have about not even my mastermind, but just anything that you go into? Like that any? You know, other masterminds, other spaces that you're in? What are your thoughts about it that help you to show up that way?

Melissa: So I think, you know, I think when I sent the money to you, when I paid for the six months, I instantly was like, I'm showing up big, right? Because this is an investment. And I'm investing into a kada looked at coaching masters, like I'm building a house, right? And like, this was like the floor of the house, right? Like this is going to be what is going to stabilize my business. And I want to be known as like the best life coach for mom entrepreneurs. But in order to be that, I'm going to have to learn how to answer and ask very good questions, right, I'm gonna have to be able to do these things. And I think I just showed up knowing like, I'm here, like, I think there's times in life where we're the teacher, and there's times when we're like the student, like, I'm a student, like, my leadership value, you're gonna set over here right now. And we're in the growth value, like, I want to at the end of this, I feel like, I have done something really good. That is like a gift to my clients. And I think that's the same with everything in life, right? Let's say like you, you decide to show up. And if you decide to show up, like blood, show up, like that's my daughter, right? Like, I don't know, I think if you showed up two years, every week, and the only thing you did was set in the room, you would increase 50% and your skills, I think if you show up in the room, and also spend an hour or two, maybe thinking about things as you're driving around at the gym, whatever. Thinking about the questions you've given us, you'll increase 100% It just depends which one you want to choose.

 Lindsay:  That's so good. I love that. I and that's very similar to how I do things. You I'm sure you've heard me talk about this. And I've been talking about it a little bit lately. But I I think of it as like when I have, let's say I have homework from my business coach or from you know, some program I'm in, I'm doing homework, I don't just sit down and say like, Okay, here's the question like, what's the answer, write it down, leave it, especially with coaching, I think the purpose of coaching is to have a better understanding of ourselves, right? Our thoughts are, how we're feeling all the actions, we're taking how we're interacting with the world, like all of it. And so I will take things and just think about that. Just while I'm driving while I'm like showering while I'm doing anything. I just let it kind of keep coming up. Oh, this is where I see this. Also, this is where I see this. Here's, oh, here are my thoughts about it. Here are my other thoughts about it. Right. I just allow it to like, really kind of simmer. And it sounds very similar to kind of your process of thinking about things. I love it.

Melissa: Yes. 100% agree. It's like marinating a chicken right. Like it's gonna taste way better if we leave it for like you know, a while and don't just eat it instantly. Same thing 100% Like, I think about I really do spend some time thinking and it's funny because you know, like, when you are like that. I feel like it's just The answers are so much better than if I sit here and force myself to be like, okay, answer this question that Lindsay just gave me like, What is the thing that all my clients think like? No, that's not how it works.

Lindsay: Right? You can have more than one answer, right? It could be like, Oh, it's obviously it's time management, because you just have a lot going on. And like, that's the, that's the like, surface level simple thing I have to solve for, versus going about your life and seeing all like, this is also it. And this is fine. Here's the deeper thing under that. And here's what creates that. It's just such a difference between and I think that is, this is one of the things I try to bring out in my clients in coaching. lessors is that ability to kind of look below the surface, right, like, Okay, here's the answer, but like, what else? What else is under there? 

Melissa: Yeah, it's funny when I first started coaching, like, you know, like some of the mom, my mom, clients would be like, alright, so just like, tell me all the things that you do. Like, I know, you get up at five, I know, you work out like and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, like, I'm not you. You're not me. Like, let's not do that. And the same thing. Like I think when I say, you know, like, time management is actually like an emotional problem. It's not that you're unorganized and unskilled, they're like, what? You know, and you really talk about that in the beginning of the program, you're like, Do not skip awareness. Like do not skip it. It's huge.

Lindsay: Yeah. Yeah, it really is. Right? It's like I have you gave me your schedule. And you said, this is the secret. Here it is, this is how you create what you want to create, right? And then I just took the schedule and thought, like, Okay, this is it, like, this is how I do it. This is the measurement. This is how we, we create all the things. But everything about it was just totally opposite from how I operate, and how I, you know, move about the world, it would feel miserable, which, then it's like, what is the point that is not perfecting the schedule, or perfecting the strategy, or the thing is not the goal here?

Melissa: I think so often, like, and I think like with life coaching, especially, you know, we, in our 30s, and 20s, we've spent so much time like people pleasing and trying to do the right thing and be the right thing. And it's like, as we start to like creep up the 30s ladder and get to the 40s It's like, cuz that's like, kind of where a lot of my women's age ranges like that 35 to 50. Like, it's like, oh, wait, like, I'd like to figure out who I actually am and what I actually like, and like, that's part of what I do as a life coach is like, well, let's like figure out those things together. So you can start making decisions that actually feel aligned with all the values, you just decided that you are that are yours. 

Lindsay: You know, it seems like for a lot of entrepreneurs, and this was totally 100% opinion and just observation, but so much of what I have observed. And I'm curious if if you experienced this as well, if there's almost like a breaking point, it feels to me like with women who are entrepreneurs who have families who have partners who have kids, there becomes a point where you just can't do it all anymore. You can't people please and not have boundaries. And like all of the things that you were doing that maybe were a little uncomfortable before, but you could get by with it, right? Like, I've just done what people want my whole life. So I'm just gonna keep doing that. But there's almost like a breaking point when you add on entrepreneurship, because it just is like, it's too much. 

Melissa: I agree. I think you at that point, you have to decide like, I'm either gonna do this and goal lead, and it's gonna require a major shift in my mindset, or I'm just gonna stay the same. 

Lindsay: There is somewhere in the middle, right? Like, I remember, I remember and I think there's one podcast, I think where I have I've talked a little bit about this. I can't remember but I just remember before I was making really any money as a coach and I was an actually had a business before coaching and even in that business, I was making money but I was spending most of it on my business. And I just remember kind of hitting that breaking point and thinking okay, I can't do it all anymore, but I also am not going to do none of it. Some of the things that I love to do with my family for my family, all of that and I just remember having like a what would you call it like a come to Jesus moment, right where it was like, okay, Lindsay, what do you want to do? Which pieces like let's just start there. What do we want to do? What do we not want to do? How do you figure this out? And that was a really a turning point for me of shifting into like, like I just didn't see any way that I could keep growing a business from where I was operating, right. Like I only had so much energy to give. And it was by the end of the day, it was that negative.

 Melissa: Yeah, I mean, that's just like another one of your genius questions. I remember you asked me that, too. And one of the, one of our live calls, I was like questioning something. And you were like, well, what do you want to do? And I was like, Oh, what, like, I get to decide? You know, it's a great question. And I mean, I asked it now to my clients, right? Like, if there are parts that you just don't want to give up, like, and I asked myself those questions, too, like, I don't want to give up drop off pickup, right. Like, for some people that's miserable, they don't want to do it. But for me, I love it. Like, I love getting them off to school in the morning. Like, I love being in the mix of all of it with them, and love being available when they're home from school for at least an hour before I maybe go back and do more like, so it was like taking those answers and plugging them into my week so that I didn't become this resentful, better person who was like, all I do is work but like, I created that, right? Like, I'm responsible for that. Yes.

 Lindsay: Okay. So for anyone listening who feels like they are kind of in that space right now, like this can't continue at this pace, or this can't, you know, it's just too much like they they feel like they're close to that point. What would what are like, some just tips, and I know, this is probably your like, just my tip is come join my stuff. Because we go, we talked about this for like six months. But what are some, just do you have anything that they could just apply, like, take away from this and apply immediately.

 Melissa: Like today, I always say like, literally sit down with your calendar and go through and delete as many things as you possibly can. Right? Because like, the other part is, we never have. And I think coaching masters really made me do this, like we don't take time to actually just think. And when we were in coaching masters, I literally started doing blocks of time on my calendar, they were literally just for thinking, like just space for like, maybe this one is for thinking about my clients, maybe this one is about thinking about, you know, or journaling, like for things for my own self like my own coaching. And I think that women who are moms and entrepreneurs, like we have this thought that like every single hour of every single day must have something on there. And it's like, no, so like the first thing if you're listening right now, like look at that, like, do you actually have to go to the seventh birthday parties? Like do you actually have to show up for all of these? Like, maybe instead of seven birthday parties, you pick one for your kid that you go to right? Or if there's three things on at the school? Maybe you do the one that's the most important if there's these different luncheons, I mean, you could fill up your whole calendar Lenzi with brick and luncheons, right? Like, no, you don't have to be at seven of them, pick one. And I would say like take your calendar down to the bare minimum, and then sit and spend some time like thinking about what would I would be the absolute perfect week for me. And we do this in my mastermind, like literally like What time would you wake up? What time would you go to bed? What how many hours would you work like and imagine it like, the best life ever? Like this is it this is really it's going to be and then work towards it. Right? Like it doesn't have to change in an instant. Like we get so impatient sometimes, right? But it's like, delete it, minimize it, get it down and then figure out how to build it the way you want it to look like.

 Lindsay: I love that. What would you say for for someone who's hearing that? And they're like, Okay, that's great, easy for you to say, also, I have no help. I'm maybe like, I'm a single parent, I am working and I'm trying to do this thing and feel very overwhelmed by all of it. How I still think that advice applies in my opinion, and I think that there is I tried to be very aware of my privilege of like, and I have someone else in my household who helps me and who right like does helps me do all these things. So someone who is like Yeah, but what would you say to that? Like how what are like the tiny steps? Where can that person start?

Melissa: I think like one of the things that I actually did a podcast on this is like, it is very hard for women to ask for help. Right like Amy kind of help. And one of the things that I actually do challenges where I'm like, You must ask someone for help like today with something right like and if you are a single mom, and you don't have you know a spouse like there are other people pool you can ask to help there like there are lots of people who have other kids that you could they could pick them up on a Tuesday, you could pick them up on a Thursday, like, it is getting beyond like our egos a little bit to say, actually, like, what am I responsible for? And what am I not responsible for? And I'm responsible for asking for help, right? Like, I'm responsible for that, like, you can I mean, the YMC has to ever be, but like, there's so many different things. It'd be like, come up with like, a bunch of solutions that you would give your friend like, if this was your friend, saying, hey, like, I'm a single mom, or I can't afford help or babysitting, like, what would you? What advice would you give them and then use that for yourself? 

Lindsay: Yes. That's great. Love that. And, yeah, I completely agree. And I think it still starts with the awareness, right that like, okay, but let me take, I don't care if it's five minutes to sit down and look at the schedule and say, Is there anything that can come off of your I love that, not that you can't add it back later? Not that you can't decide? No, I actually do want to do these things. But that's what that's where I love to start. And I've, I used to teach this a lot more than I do now. Especially when I have one on one clients. But exactly what you said to me, it would be like clear the week, add in the things that you have to do that are not non negotiable, right? If you have a full time job, okay, you I mean, it's a little negotiable, but not really, right. You're you want to keep the job. So like, we're gonna go to work these hours. And then just add in the other things that are okay, well, kids need to be at school at this time. You know, this needs to have a doctor's appointment, like you know, those things that are also negotiable. But you really do want to like for specific reasons, right? You want your kids to go to school, you want to go to work, all the things, and then look at all the list. It's always so shocking to me, like how much stuff is leftover outside of that? And I just love this conversation. I think even if even for someone who's like, No, you don't understand my schedule is so full. Maybe it is and what are just the teensiest things you can start to chip away at because I think just starting and taking that five to 10 minutes to create awareness for yourself right to say like where

Melissa: Sometimes, you know, it's funny, I think like the awareness piece is just like so huge. Like, I totally agree. Because sometimes Lindsay we get very, very comfortable living in a little bit of martyrdom, right? Where we're like, this is my life and it will never change. Right? And it's like the difference between like that stuck mindset and the growth mindset is like, here I am. You don't understand these are I have kids, I don't have an it's like I always say like even I asked this question all the time of my clients, like, ask yourself when you have these thoughts, if they're helpful, like, are they helping you? Right? Like, maybe they're true, right? Like, maybe the thoughts are true. But like, Are they helpful? And if they're not, how can I thought reset them? How can I change them, so that they are going to be helpful to me, right? So maybe instead of saying, you know, you don't understand my circumstance, maybe you could change the thought to be like, how can I make my circumstance better? Like how can I shift it? Like, how can I take responsibility for that? And I think like you said, That can't happen without awareness. Like I can't ship someone without them being and it's hard in the beginning, right? Because like sometimes, when we get a we're, it's it's painful to see the pain we've caused ourselves from just the way we think.

Lindsay: Yes, especially when you're stuck, you know, maybe and if the word I do think martyrdom is certainly a thing and but sometimes it just shows up as like, I feel so overwhelmed. I don't even know how to pause and and like think outside of this, right, which I can be to me sometimes the most uncomfortable step is that pausing and spending even five minutes creating a new awareness or creating a, you know, just even looking at the situation just through a different lens, right through the pause button instead of like the spinning and overwhelmed and trying to solve it with like, trying to solve a problem while in like a washing machine, right, just like spinning around creating overwhelm and like, let me figure out how to get out of here. Instead of like pausing the washing machine and taking a step out and saying okay, this is not this feels terrible. How do I fix it? Like what's just the teensiest thing I can do today.

 Melissa: One of the things I tell my clients to do early on when they are trying to learn how to be like conscious or praising or aware like any of those words you want to use, like literally tell them like put a timer on On your phone at different times of the day, maybe two or three times a day, and like stop for a minute and just like be where you are like, where am I? Where am I setting? Like, what am I doing because it is really hard in the beginning to learn to pause. But it's kinda like what we talked about with intentionality. Just know that this is a skill, it can be learned, it is not something that some people have, and other people don't like, everybody has this. But you have to like build it up. It's like going to the gym. So I always say, like, do a couple of these in your phone and try to be present for one minute, like three times a day. And then if you can do it for a week, we'll maybe do it for two minutes. Right? Like it's just, it's slow and steady, but it's not, you know, it's not something like Melissa has it ____________ doesn't.______________ has it, Melissa doesn't. It is available to everybody, but you, but it is a skill.

 Lindsay: I feel like I think all of these tips are going to be so useful for people listening. And we are coming to kind of the top of the hour, but I wanted to check in is there anything we haven't touched on that you just really want to talk about that you want to share?

Melissa: Oh, I wanted to talk about your amazing visualization exercise that we did. Okay, that like, that was amazing. I think that it was like, it felt so like, out of the box of like, all of the things that we did, right? Because all of the other things like felt very like, Okay, we're gonna do awareness and decisions and these like different things. It was sort of, and then it was like, visualization was like, Okay, you can kind of like make the best what you want. And I, I love it so much, because I feel like most people don't appreciate how powerful a tool visualization is, like, I always like tell the story of Michael Phelps, right? I don't know if you've heard that story where like, he literally would visualize winning the Olympics, like over and over and over. And how it just creates these new neural pathways where our brain doesn't even know the difference between imagine to write like us imagining it, and like what's real, and we create these new neural pathways. And you gave us this opportunity within the mastermind to explore, like, what is our future look like? And it was just like, one of my favorite things that we did.

 Lindsay: I love that. So just for a little clarification for people listening one week in coaching masters, I had everybody we kind of slowed down did something a little out of the ordinary outside of the box, or what I normally do, and I had you kind of visualize, I think I did was it like, in three years? Maybe? What did I give a timeframe? Okay, so it was in three years, like, what does what do you see yourself? Like, as a coach? What does that look like? And I kind of set it up a little bit where it's like, that could be different for everyone, right? Like maybe you're doing a lot of speaking engagements, maybe you are working with one on one clients, and just your week is packed with one on one clients. And that's your dream. Maybe you are you know, you have this program with 1000s of people in it, like whatever that is just kind of see where your mind goes. And I set it up and like let it it wasn't just like, okay, see what happens. And I asked them questions, you know, and then when you posted in the group a week or two later that one of the things that you visualized happened.

 Melissa: Yeah, it was crazy.

Lindsay: Yeah. So crazy. To be clear, I do not think it was just like magic. Like we did this visual. Maybe you do? I don't know. I don't believe that it was Wednesday. And then you just like manifested it right? That's not I don't think it works quite like that. But we did this exercise and within a week or two you posted in the group....share with them.

Melissa: So yeah, so one of the things that came up and I think that's what's so cool about visualization as you like, do it and you get into especially when it's late and the way that you laid it and you have no idea what's going to come up for you like you don't know what's in the back of your mind or what's going to come up so I went into it like a very neutral very like alright Lindsey is leading this, let my thoughts just go where they go. And when I did it, it was like me everything that I kept seeing was like me speaking about what I'd been speaking to you about today like life coaching. And then like two weeks, I got asked to go to Texas and and speak and do a keynote for an hour on motherhood in business. And then I got asked in Orlando to go to our big lake auditorium Dr. Phillips saying to her and speak at a women's conference in Run up 1000s of people. And it was like an Ironman same as you like. But I do believe like making your like those subconscious thoughts just sort of come to the surface, it's almost like transporting them from like, this place in your brain you can access to like, here I am making this a conscious thought, then you just become more open to those things like more available, you know, and that's what happened. And it was just like, so fun to share that with the group.

Lindsay: It was so fun for me. And here's what I haven't told you. And the reason I wanted you to share what your kind of vision was, is that my vision when I think about in three years, where am I what am I doing? What's something that's like happening? One thing that I that always comes to me is watching my clients do exactly what you're talking about. So for me, I'm not will I present and like be on stage and do all those things? Sure. But my bigger dream, like what feels a lot more fun for me is to see my clients do it right to be the person that's like cheering you on. And just to know, in the back of my mind, like, oh, like I contributed to this a little bit that I feel so much. I feel more accomplishments and that than I do thinking about like someone asking me to do the thing. And so when you shared that it was literally just full body chills, it was like, Oh my gosh, so not only did the thing that you visualized happen, for me, and it's not like this the first time that's happened for me, but it was just one more of those like, Oh, that is amazing. Like that, to me is everything.

Melissa: So, I mean, like the ripples of what you're doing are so huge, because they're impacting every single coaches clients, right, like every single person we have interactions with in that coaching manner are getting all of the tools and the skills that we've learned. I mean, it's like, huge, it's, it's amazing, I love it. And I hope I make you very proud as your student slash client.

 Lindsay:  Well, you already have, so you do not have to hope because it's already happened. And to be clear, all of my clients do. And I know not all of my clients want to speak on stage and want to, you know, do all all those things. But whatever their thing is, right? Like, it doesn't have to be that for me, it could be, you know, have clients who have written books or who have, you know, just whatever their version of doing the thing that they love more than anything, and putting it out into the world is what I am here for every day. I just love it so much.

Melissa: So you were born to do this, lassy. It looks good on you.

Lindsay: Well, I appreciate you. And I'm so glad you shared that. And thank you for being here today. This is gonna be so valuable for so many people, especially women, especially parents, but I think anyone who's listening, there's so much to take out of this even if you don't have kids, even if you don't, you know have all the things that we have been talking about so many good things here.

Melissa: It's been an honor, I was I'm very excited and happy that you asked me and and very proud to be here.

Lindsay: If anyone wants to find you if they have loved this interview and they need more. Tell them all the things.

 Melissa: Sure. So you can find me at Melissa Wiggins dot life that's my website or I'm always on Instagram coach Mama Bear, you can find me on there. And then linked in my bio are all the things you need to know my mastermind. My podcast is coaching and a cup of tea with Mama bears. So if you fancy a cup of tea, and some life coaching like they're short little snippet easy on the go episode. So thank you for asking the question.

Lindsay: I have listened to a couple of episodes and they are excellent. So highly recommend. I always love it's funny because sometimes I do these interviews and they're very long, but I try to keep my other episodes pretty short because I always love just the quick like, here are some tips now get out and like do it right, get out and use them. And so I appreciate that. Thank you again for being here. This was great.

Melissa: It was amazing. Thank you so much. You're amazing.