Children 0:00
Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.
DJ Stutz 0:06
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.
Hey, everyone, and thanks so much for joining us and deciding to spend the next few minutes here at Imperfect Heroes. Today, we are talking just probably one of my favorite subjects, we're talking about finding joy in every moment. Before we get started with my amazing guest, Emily Guarnotta, I just want to remind everyone that you can be a part of our Parenting Perspectives workshops, once a month, I do a parenting perspectives podcast episode where I talk to a parent who's knee deep in kiddos. And then I also do a live workshop. So it's the fourth Thursday of every month, it's at one o'clock mountain time in the afternoon. And you can register because these are free. And so you can register on the website, www.LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com. And you'll see Parent Perspectives. And that's where you can register. And once you're registered, you are open to attend all of them from then on. If that time didn't work for you, you can get the replays only there at the parent perspectives thing on the website. So yay, we have a lot of fun. We talk you've got other parents who are asking questions. And we have a topic, of course for the month that matches what we're doing with the podcast. So of course, this month, we'll be talking about finding joy. With that in mind. Let's talk for a second with Emily Guarnotta and Emily, you are amazing. And you've got kids and you're a specialist. Let's talk a little bit about who you are and what you do.
Emily Guarnotta 2:16
Well, thank you so much for having me, DJ. Yeah, so I am a psychologist. And I work predominantly with parents that are just struggling with that adjustment to parenthood. So I support parents that are dealing with the baby blues, postpartum anxiety, depression, and just overall the stress that comes with parenting babies and toddlers and young children. I'm also a mother, myself, I have a three year old and a six year olds. So that also keeps me pretty busy. And yeah, I'm really happy to be here today.
DJ Stutz 2:46
Thank you so much. So I think and we were talking just even earlier about how it's so easy to get caught up with the difficulties of just life in general, let alone parenting, we've got jobs that can be stressful. And then marriage, even in the best of times, all marriages have their issues. And so working through those and bills, and all of these things that go on maybe health issues. And it can be very easy to get bogged down with the negativity of what is going on in our world. And I find that as parents become more depressed and negative, their kids pick up on that too. And that has certainly been my experience in teaching school. First off, let's talk about how we can find joy as a parent, and then how we can transfer that to our children. So let's talk for a second about what are some strategies then that we can use as moms and dads because dads deal with it to to find that joy in their lives and every day. I
Emily Guarnotta 3:53
think one really important thing is to recognize that a lot of us live in survival mode, especially when our kids are young, it's very easy to fall into that being your new normal. And sometimes it's hard to recognize that you're not actually thriving, you're just surviving. So if you can take a step back and acknowledge that that that is what's happening, and that you're not functioning at your best or you haven't felt joy in a long time. I think they always say like, you have to have that awareness to change. So I think that being aware that you fall into that pattern is super important. I
DJ Stutz 4:28
agree. And because it's something that you can kind of do. And it can be kind of a slow process where you don't even see that it's happening. So one of the things I joke about with when I'm coaching parents and yelling at your kids comes up a lot, and how can I stop yelling at my kids and how funny it is that sometimes and I did this too, when your kids are just doing their thing, and you're stressed out and you recognize Wait, when did I start? Yeah between, like, I can tell my voice is elevated. I've got this dress in my throat. But I don't remember when I started yelling, right? And so you have to stop and say, okay, okay, wait, I've got to stop. I'm yelling, and I don't want to yell. And so you pause, you let your kids even see that you recognize, when did I start yelling, you're using that verbally. And then you're saying, Mama needs to back off for a second, take a breath, maybe get a drink of water. And then we're going to talk about this in a calm and loving way. I think the same thing can happen with us when we're finding ourselves being super negative as well or struggling or, man, it's been How long has it been since I've really felt joy when asking yourself those questions. And so when you recognize it, that's when you can stop, take a breath, and look at your world around you and find the good things that are there. And it might be Well, thank heavens, my kids are healthy enough to argue.
Emily Guarnotta 6:00
Yeah, yeah, reframing it, you know, taking a step back and being grateful for the little things. Sometimes it's I'm grateful that I have this fresh drinking water to drink right now. I mean, it sounds so silly, but you can always find something to appreciate in that moment. And then that kind of elevates you above the negativity. It's something I use often in my day to day and especially in my parents thing. Me
DJ Stutz 6:24
too. Me too. And it's been fun. Just this last week, I've been watching to my grandkids, while my daughter's out of town. And it's so much fun. As a grandparent, it's a different game, that when you're there for we had them for 10 days, and you're getting them off to school, and you're doing all of that and, and you'll see their little arguments here and there, you won't play with me kind of things. And yet, just finding the joy in the moment of being back with having the little kids and recognizing that even there. And they don't have very many difficult points or moments, you know, they don't argue hardly at all. But even during those moments, just how cute that can be or Okay, so what can we do instead, or using a timer or whatever, but and to recognizing that when you try something as a parent, and it works. I'm going to try this new strategy. And it works. take that time to wow. Give yourself some kudos and find joy. And wow, work today may not work tomorrow, but work today. And yeah, just finding that joy in the moment. Or I've got that clean glass of water or, man, the clouds are gorgeous. today. I have a thing about clouds. I love clouds as humans. And I think they can be just so beautiful. And just such great artwork. And sometimes it's just taking a moment to look out the window and see the beauty of spring and summer starting and the smells and the sounds and and yet finding the time to do that too. How would you suggest someone or encourage someone to find those moments?
Emily Guarnotta 8:11
Well, one of the things that I do is every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed, I tried to list at least three things that I'm thankful for, whether they're things that happened that day, or just more in general. And then throughout my day, if I start feeling myself being pulled down into some of that more negative energy, I'll also say okay, let's do a list of three things right now. And I'm trying more to do what I do even when I feel good, or when I feel neutral, just to keep those positive feelings going. But gratitude, I mean, the research on gratitude it you can't discount it. It's a really powerful practice. And it's free thing we can all do at any moment doesn't take any equipment. We don't have to go anywhere. We could do it right where we're sitting, and it's really a game changer.
DJ Stutz 9:00
Yeah, for sure. For sure. And it changes everything. Like when you're in gratitude, you're better able to find joy. We're going to talk about gratitude later on this year. By the way, that's one of our themes. So our theme for November, of course, what else isn't going to be but finding gratitude can change our outlook. It can change our relationships at work, it can change our relationships with our spouse. And in fact, I talked about a time in my life when it was just hard. It was just hard. And we were going through a lot of stuff and I was feeling very negative and kind of alone. My husband's very quiet, not easy. He's good at a lot of things. Conversation is not one of them. And so not feeling like I had someone that I could talk to and work things out with and long story short, I started keeping a Joy Journal and writing down every day just writing down one thing that happened that either showed God's hand in my life, a kindness from someone Whether it was the clouds were gorgeous today. And baby, something going on there or something my sweetheart did that was kind or out of his way to get something done for me or, or the kids or whatever. And it really turned my attitude around. And in fact, that to me was a pivotal point in my life, where I consider myself to be a really happy person generally. When you know things are going wrong, it's like, okay, what can we do? What am I going to learn from this? What are the things that I can do to change it up instead of being so beating down with Grant rent? This is awful. This is terrible. Why can't this go? Right? Why can't you say this? And so I think keeping that Joy Journal, really, I think it saved my marriage. I think it saved my whole attitude on on life changed my health. When you're joyful. You're healthier. Correct? Yeah,
Emily Guarnotta 10:59
absolutely. Absolutely. That's amazing. I've never I've heard of a gratitude journal, I've never heard it presented as a Joy Journal. But to keep track of those joyful experiences, I think you can also remind yourself that joy is something you can go out there and make happen. It might not necessarily happen to you, you can go into the coffee shop, when you're buying a coffee and make it a joyful experience, have a conversation with smile at the person in line next to you be that joy that walks into the room, I know I fall into this law to where I expect the world to serve Me joy on a silver platter. That's not always how it works. A lot of times we have to put in the work to make it happen. So that's I encourage people to try to do that, as well as like, reflect on how they can bring joy into their lives and their experiences.
DJ Stutz 11:49
Yeah, and you brought up such a great point. And thank you for doing that. But realizing that you can be responsible for giving joy in the world making someone else's day a little better. And isn't it funny how that just rebounds right back at you. When you do something kind for someone and they're like, oh, wow, that was so helpful, or whatever and how you feel when you're able to do that for someone else that increases your joy as well. So it just grows exponentially as you work at it. So I'm so glad you brought that up. There's an I've had a I think she's been on my podcast twice. Her name is Natalie Silverstein. And she even does a podcast with teenagers, only teenagers. And it's about how they are doing service in the world. And the things that teens get involved in that are positive and helpful. And that's just listening to that podcast. I'll probably put a link in the show notes, because it's great. And she has a thing that I got at the beginning of the year, where you actually can plan out what am I going to do to be of service to someone these days? And it's so like a calendar. It's kind of like your typical book calendar that you would get, but you're planning out service. So whether you're involving it's something just yourself, or is this something I'm involving my kids with my spouse, what you know, how are we doing that? And so then your calendaring bringing joy to someone in there's so many ways to do it. Yeah, yeah. And so I think when you sit down and plan for it, it starts becoming part of who you are.
Emily Guarnotta 13:30
Yeah, because you're being more intentional, right.
DJ Stutz 13:32
And I think you get to a point where you don't have to sit and plan it out so much anymore. It starts becoming second nature to you. Yeah,
Emily Guarnotta 13:38
yeah, I think anytime you're trying to adopt a new habit or make a change, it helps to be very intentional about it in the beginning, and then it you'd like you said, it becomes more second nature and you don't have to use as much brainpower to make it happen. It just kind of becomes Yeah,
DJ Stutz 13:55
it just becomes part of who you are. And so I did this weirdo thing. And people look at me like I have three heads, sometimes. I tell them about it. But this was years ago, well, probably about seven, eight years ago, I didn't have a big potty mouth. But I had like my three basic words. And I started noticing that when I would be upset or angry, that's when we use these words, right? And so I just felt inspired to quit using curse words at all in my life. That was hard to do. And it took me like two years to really get through it and eliminate that from my life. But for me, and I know it's not the same for everyone. So I'm not saying everyone needs to do what I did. But I'm just saying that for me. It really helped me become a calmer person and a happier person. It just changed my outlook on how I managed angry moments or frustrating moments or whatever. But I think that if you stopped in looked at maybe some things that you could change and whether it's your language or whether it's not running or not taking care of yourself, whether it's whatever. So identify something in your life that you want to either eliminate or add on and make that change. And recognize that it's not going to happen overnight. Like for me, that was a two year endeavor to really work it out. Now, I'm known for not using that language. And now I use words like Jeepers.
Holy smokes.
And actually, I have found it defuse the situation, because instead of using that kind of language ramps things up, and I say something like, you know, jump in Jehoshaphat, what are we gonna do with this? And they're like, What did you do? It does, and it settles things down, it helps. So anyway, that's just one of my stories. But finding something, though, that you can work on, that you're going to improve something with your attitude, your mental acuity on that, and being actively involved in working on it, I think that helps to What are your experiences and helping people? Yeah,
Emily Guarnotta 16:17
it's funny, as you're telling that story, I was thinking of myself, I've, I've never been a big swear word person. But I do struggle a lot with negativity, which might surprise people who hear that I'm a psychologist, and they might think that I'm positive all the time. But I really have to make an intentional active effort to notice when I'm having negative thoughts, and I mean, it can be as silly as I'm driving down the street, and I am thinking, why is that person wearing that ridiculous hat and why that person mowed their lawn, and it just, it just wants to come at me and I, one of the ways that I've tried to work on joy is trying to say, just catch myself when I'm having those negative thoughts and kind of say, like, what are you doing here, like, you have no business judging that person's had that person on and redirecting myself against the gratitude is really helpful in those moments, but just being aware, when I am speaking a negative language and catching it, and then changing that language, very similar to what you did with the swear words. You know,
DJ Stutz 17:20
as we're talking about all these strategies that we can do to help ourselves, look into the world in a different way, with a more positive view, more positive eyes. And just taking a minute to, you know, notice the trees or the clouds and whatever. How can we teach our children then to have that more positive outlook in their lives as well? That's
Emily Guarnotta 17:45
a great question. You know, I think one of the things that's important is to try to be open to what does bring our kids joy, because our kids are different than us. And sometimes, we're all a little bit biased in that we expect that our children are direct reflections of us are mirrors, and that what we find joy in, they're also going to find join in. And that's not always the case. And I knew I was sharing a story with you before we were recording about my six year old and and how I realized she was giving away all my things to her friends and to our neighbors. And it took a little while for me to realize that she found so much joy in giving gifts to other people. And I was just getting frustrated at one point because she was giving away like things that were really important to me. And then I'd have to go to the neighbor's house and track them down. But once I realized that that was a joyful experience for her, we were able to find other ways for her to lean into that. So I think that that's, you know, it's kind of a funny story. But I think that that's something to be aware of just like our kids can have different things that bring them joy, and we should try to look for what those things are. Because they're not always so obvious. For
DJ Stutz 18:57
sure. And like you said, they might not be the same things that are important to us. And so it's just paying attention, and really being aware. I grew up I have five brothers, and this is the home I grew up in. So my mom her birthday is August 15. And my dad was a professor at UCLA. And every birthday, she got season tickets to UCLA basketball, or football, and then their anniversary is September 15. And so every year for her anniversary, she got season tickets to UCLA basketball, and a lot of us would think, Geez, Doug, that's my dad. But if my dad ever diverted from that it would have been a problem. My mom loves sports. And she loved that and going to the games and the whole thing that was involved with that, and that's one of the things I think that helps my parents stay together as they both have that love for sports, they had a lot of other issues, but love for sports was there. And so with the five brothers, it was boards. That was it. The boys played football and basketball and I ran track. But we were lucky that we had everyone that was just kind of where we were, we were all doing sports. But then I have some nieces and nephews, though, you know, because we all grew up and had kids and sports, wasn't it for all of them. And so sometimes it was music, I have a couple of nieces that are totally into music. And another one that's an amazing artist. And so it's been open to oh, this is where you are, this is where you're going? And is this a positive thing in your life? Is this something that's going to be a good thing for you, and then do what you can to encourage them and be there for them and let them see the joy that you have in who they are.
Emily Guarnotta 21:02
And they try to be a part of it. If it's not something that really brings you personally a lot of joy, you know, try to find ways to still support them in it, even if it's not your most favorite thing. Or even if you don't want to spend your week at the basketball game, or whatever it may be. You can find a lot of joy in seeing them find joy. And maybe that's kind of what you folk.
DJ Stutz 21:23
Yeah, my youngest brother, they're 17 years between us. And at 18 months, on a Wednesday morning at six o'clock in the morning, while all the rest of us are getting ready for school and stuff. He would be in front of the TV, screaming at it because there was no football games. Back then. On Wednesday morning at six o'clock, he loves football. And guess what he does now. He's a football coach. So He has two sons and a daughter. And his daughter wanted to do dance. And so he's driving her off to dance and like he doesn't care about dance. He hates dance. And he had one of his sons with him one time and his son said, Dad, why are we sitting out here watching Sonny dance is her name Sonny? And he said, because we love her and because it brings her joy. And yeah, and so the funny thing though, as she went on her senior year, she was the homecoming queen at her high school. And she also kicked the game winning field goal.
The varsity football team.
Emily Guarnotta 22:37
Football too.
DJ Stutz 22:41
Yeah, she plays a college soccer now. She's on a soccer scholarship. But you know, and so I think by being open to what they are, and allowing them to try new things, they will oftentimes open themselves to things that you're interested in, as well, and finding joy and doing things together. But it doesn't always work that way. And that's okay. And then. And I was talking to you earlier about this, too, that I had kindergarten kids and sometimes even earlier when I was directing the preschools who were just so negative and down and well, that's not going to work. And nobody likes me. And I can't do this and just at such a young age, so negative about things and having to help them find what was good. Is it that one little guy when I told him, I know you're a good boy, he lost it. I am not a good boy, I am a bad boy. And that was his identity. I was challenging his identity by trying to say you're good. No, no, I am not that. So we had to go around. And we found that this kid was brutally honest. Did you just hit him? Yo, did you just say this? Yep. In our kindergarten, we had our own bathroom, you know, in the classroom, and someone would come in and say, Oh, my gosh, he loved me because I think that was me. I mean, so honest. And so that's where we started developing his identity is and he took great pride then, in being honest. And so I think helping our kids find what is great and joyful, and, you know, nothing builds me up more than the sound of a child's laughter. Does that work for you,
Emily Guarnotta 24:30
too? Yeah, yeah. No, and when it's genuine when they're when they're genuinely feeling good or feeling joy or laughing Yeah, that is a very special sound. Yeah,
DJ Stutz 24:43
I have a friend that he has a super, super stressful job. And you know, and then he's got his own four kids and trying to make everything all work and I don't know if he found a website or something. But he found a way that when he gets super stressed, he can turn this on. And it's just the sound of little kids laughing. Really? Wow, that's it. And so yeah, instead of a podcast or music or anything for him, it's just these giggle sounds of little kids. And he says that, that'll bring me out, I can listen to that for, you know, just a few minutes. Or he sometimes he said, he see, we'll just go out and sit in his car, on the parking lot, for five minutes, that's his little break and just listen to kids laughing. And then he's able to go back in and that helps him figure it out. And so I think when we as parents can engage in that and find joy in that, and, and then let them know that I love your laugh, I love your giggle. I love them. When they again, it goes back to I think when they see they're bringing joy to someone else.
Emily Guarnotta 25:52
Yeah. And that's funny that for your friend, the sound of laughter, maybe very audible person, but having those little tricks that you can pull out that you know, work for you to switch that switch, boy, or switch your mood or your attitude. For a long time, I kept a list on my phone of experiences that I'd had, that brought me a lot of joy, and were really funny. And if I was having a rough day, I'd look at them. And I was instantly brought back to that moment. And, and I just felt like I would laugh out loud. And that that helped tremendously. It's probably something I should get back into. But everyone, for me, I'm like a very visual person. So I would picture the memory in my head. But if you're more auditory, maybe having like a recording or something can be really helpful move finding something works for you personally.
DJ Stutz 26:46
Well, and to maybe it's a sensory thing to Yeah, for some people. So I know with my little so I, I have this white coat. And it, it looks like it's a fake fur coat. But it's that super, super soft, it feels totally like fur. And in the winter after I got it, I went to school and and I'd hang it up and I had it sitting on my chair, I was in a rush that morning, and I didn't get it hung up, it was just sitting on my teacher's chair. And I had a few kids that were very sensory sensitive and had some other learning differences and that kind of stuff. And one little guy was just very angry, and he's stomping around the room. And he saw my coat. And I think his intention was he was going to like throw it or something because he was mad. But when he picked it up, it was so soft. And he was like, oh rubbing the cone just calmed right down. So we kept that out. And other kids would become I'm so upset or sad. And can I rub your coat? Yeah, go. And so sometimes it's it may be something that's auditory, sometimes it may be something that is sense of touch, we all have different senses. And so I think recognizing in our kids, what are the things that are going to help them calm down, and be able to feel them that joy and that gratitude, and push away those harder feelings. So my kids they loved when I would give them hand rubs. And so sometimes just those kinds of touches, and that skin on skin contact, too. You know, we talked about skin on skin with brand new babies, but they can be teenagers. And it's not the same kind of contact with a newborn baby, but rubbing their hands or scratching their back or something, there's still that physical contact, and then just pointing out to them to I think, do you hear that? Or I remember when we were living in Vegas, and that just the skies in Vegas can be very beautiful. And there was an amazing sunset. And we were laying in the yard in the grass and you just close our eyes, and then count to 10 and open them and just see how the clouds have change in position. And they had a blast at that. And they love that. And so we would talk about just things in nature or in friends or in family that can bring them joy and help them see that.
Emily Guarnotta 29:22
That's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think the senses are a really helpful way to help kids regulate and self soothe, and then not open to feeling more joy when they're actually regulated.
DJ Stutz 29:36
Yeah. So I love some of the things that we've been able to talk about. I mean, just with us as adults finding joy and taking a moment maybe to do Joy Journal, or at least mentally saying, Oh, this is a joyful moment. I remember for me with my little ones brand new babies and I had other kids, but that two o'clock in the morning feeding. Yes, I was tired. or that, that was my time with just me and the baby. And so finding, what is it that you can have in your day and then talking about our little kids and helping them see joy and experiencing joy with them, is a great way to promote that. So I think we've had some really good topics today. Yeah,
Emily Guarnotta 30:21
we really need to model it for our kids to you know, we have to model that we're self regulated that we're dealing with our emotions, we're finding moments of joy, and they're gonna, they're gonna benefit from missing us practice.
DJ Stutz 30:35
Well, and I even remember being a kid growing up myself. So you know, you have friends who have parents and some parents you really engage with and others are like, come over my house, I don't want to go to Europe. But I know that the parents that I really enjoyed being at my friend's houses were the parents that would laugh with us, or I there was this one mom, I can remember. And her daughter was Laurie. And Laurie and I were good friends. And I loved going to her house because her mom would laugh at everything. And I loved that. And so I was naturally drawn to her. And I think that when our kids are growing up, that's something that I think by nature, they're drawn to someone who is generally happy.
Emily Guarnotta 31:22
Yeah. And who takes an interest in them? Yeah,
DJ Stutz 31:26
yeah, for sure. Yeah, and finds them engaging, you know. And, lastly, our silly jokes and, or the stupid plays that we would be so boring and ridiculous.
Emily Guarnotta 31:40
He found joy in seeing you find it joyful. Yeah. Even if it was a little bit tedious.
DJ Stutz 31:47
Yes, absolutely, absolutely. So anyway, all of those things are kind of fun. So, Emily, though, talk to us a little bit about what you've got going on, and how our parents can connect with you.
Emily Guarnotta 32:00
Yeah, so I own a practice called Phoenix health. And it's an online therapy practice where we specialize in all maternal mental health conditions from parents who are trying to conceive or dealing with infertility, parents who have dealt with pregnancy loss, all the way to people struggling during pregnancy or postpartum. And you can find us at www dot join Phoenix health.com.
DJ Stutz 32:25
That's fantastic. And of course, I'm gonna have that link in the show notes. So if you're interested, just drop down and click there. And you've got it. So Emily, thank you so much. And before we go, I always ask my guests the same question. And that is why we know that there are no perfect parents, some parents do seem more successful than others. How would you describe the successful parent?
Emily Guarnotta 32:52
I would say a successful parent is one who really sees her children who sees their children, who is able to kind of put their own biases, their own experiences, their own objections to the side and is able to see their children as who they are, and is able to support them and becoming who they are. I think that would be my definition. Apparent. Yeah,
DJ Stutz 33:18
I agree. Allowing them to play the piano or, like me running, I enjoyed running or whatever. And even if it's not something that you enjoyed, I'm sure my parents hated those track meats. So boring. And yet my mom was there and my siblings were there. And, and I wasn't a basketball. I was so short, I was almost the shortest in the class. I was not going to be a basketball player. And I was a girl. I wasn't going to be a football player. But still that support being there just really mean so much. I love that. Thank you so much. Well, Emily, I know we're planning on having you coming back again on the show and talking some more and so we're really excited for that. But this month for this month, we'll continue on that theme of finding joy in every day and helping our kiddos find that and so until next week, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai