Children 0:00
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes Podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.
DJ Stutz 0:09
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host DJ Stutz.
Hey, welcome back everyone to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting. And today we are diving into the topic of risk taking in childhood. So how much risk is too much? You know, taking risks is an important part of growing up. And when you keep your kids from taking risks, you're taking a major risk yourself as a parent. In every culture, the dominant activity of children is play. So today, we are talking about the role of free play, the balance between the benefits and the liabilities of taking risks, the physical, emotional and social benefits of taking risks, and overcoming the obstacles to risk taking. So let's get started.
And before we get going, I just want to let you know that that my Parent Perspective Workshops is sponsoring this episode today. And so when you join Parent Perspective Workshops on my website, www.LittleHeartsAcademyUSA.com, you not only get access to the monthly live workshops, but you also get access to their replays. And so if that time doesn't work out for you, or the day isn't working for you, you can always go back and catch up on that. The fun thing though, is if you can join us live, there are other parents their stories, there's interactions, people ask questions, it's just a great opportunity. So join us for that next perspective. So join us for that next Parent Perspectives Workshop. The next one is going to be on July 25, at 1pm Mountain Time, and this month Surprise, surprise, we are exploring practical tips and engaging discussions on how to help your children develop independence and confidence, while ensuring their safety as they take risks. This is an interactive session, like I said before, and so you're gonna have a chance to ask your own questions, share stories, and then make connections with other parents. And best of all, it's free. So register now by clicking on the link in the show notes. And let's navigate the balance of taking risks together. And I hope to see you there now, let's get started.
As you've noticed, this month, we're spending the whole month talking about taking risks, how much risk is too much. And actually taking risks is an important part of growing up. And when you keep your kids from taking risks, like I said before, you're taking a major risk yourself as a parent, because there are consequences and things that they're not going to learn that they need to learn. And, you know, kids love to play, and we kind of beat it out of them in so many ways. Even at school, sit down, be quiet, Do this, do that. And I know we need to have that element as we're trying to teach 3035 kids at the same time in one room, there has to be that coordination. But amazing teachers really are able to set up the room, set up the learning environment. And so the kids aren't just sitting all day. That's an interactive thing. They are working on projects. They're moving around, they're working with friends and offering ideas. And so that's what we really need for kids. When we talk about free play. That is something that is not organized or necessarily goal oriented. It's something that happens inside that they just want to do it they just go and come up with their own plan as they run outside. I don't know how many of you remember I remember coming home and it was like go outside, go outside and play and do not come in for whatever time usually it was about an hour. And I've got to tell you that is a great thing to do. If you can every day with your kids before they started on homework before They even go to football practice or soccer practice or an ice skating lesson, dance lessons, whatever it is that we've got our kids involved in. Because those things while they're great, and they're fun, that is not free play, that is not them being able to just organize themselves, set things up for themselves, and have fun, that is really necessary. So free play often looks like something that is very physical, it's rough and tumble, it can involve objects, toys, and it's going to involve imagination and role playing. So it may not even have to be outside, maybe it's building something out of the blocks on their own, or a tea party or a dress up. So it can be inside. But outside is also really get to they need that time outside, that when kids are left to play on their own. They start learning many important things. They're learning things like social roles and social norms. They're learning about values, and they're building up their own physical strength and their own confidence. And they're incorporating creativity. You know, when kids are always doing things that are assigned, do this do that. And there's value in saying make your flower look like this draw between the lines, there is value in that because they're learning fine motor skills, they're learning to control their fingers, when they are trying to stay as close to the line as possible, but not go on the other side of it, when they're following instructions from a teacher, teachers giving them verbal instructions, and they're trying to duplicate that the best way they can. There's academic and cognitive experiences that are positive there. But if that's the only kind of experiences that they're having, whether it's a coach telling you run up and back or, or skate around, you know, this obstacle or do the dance this certain way. They are, they're learning things, they are getting physical, they're building up their physical strength, but they are not incorporating some of these other pieces that come along with playing outside and taking risks on their own. And so through all of this, when they're able to do that, they're building that self confidence, they're building that independence, and they're learning to make their own decisions and problem solve, and develop that self control on their own without someone telling them do this do that. They're learning how to follow their own rules. It's really funny when you look outside, and you see some kids and they've come up with their own game, their own thing to play. And so when they're outside, and you watch them, and they're playing with a bunch of friends, they come up with their own rules, you know, the grass is lava, or whatever, and they start enforcing those rules. They're learning about things in a different way than those rules are set up for them. These are the rules of the game. These are the rules of the dance, this is how our classroom goes. And again, there's value and all of that. But there's also a great value with the experience of learning to make their own rules and develop their own games, and maintain that with their friends. They're building these relationships. And these are the relationships that are going to last. And so when we talk about free play, we're referring to something that is internally motivated. It is not something that is organized or necessarily really goal oriented. So let's talk about the balance between the benefits, and the concerns of allowing our kids to take risks. And there are all kinds of risks that can come with independent play. So how do we balance the benefits with keeping them safe? The truth is that most injuries that come from risk taking or just in the booboo category, they're not going to require much more than rinsing it out and throwing on a band aid. But the benefits that they gain are generally worth it. And even if they do have a bigger injury that requires more attention, they're going to learn from that experience. And this is part of their memory. This is part of them growing up. It's not the end of the world. If they twist an ankle or heaven forbid, break an arm, get survive these things. I'll bet you and I did. So let them have that the benefits I think are well worth the risk. So whether it's climbing a tree or some kind of a structure, using grownup tools or riding a bike down a hill, kids need the freedom to try new and sometimes Scary things. So I grew up in Los Angeles, I have five younger brothers, one younger sister. And I remember there was this hill, we called it Lassen Hill. Surprise, surprise, it was on Lassen Street. I don't know if it was a street or an avenue. But we thought it was a pretty steep hill. I think if I went back and thought today, it wouldn't be nearly as steep as I remember it. But at the bottom of this hill was a stoplight. And so my brothers and I would be on our bikes, and we'd go to the top of the hill. And but you're going so fast, that it's hard to stop once you hit. And there's cross traffic. We learned math skills, we learned physics skills, we learned how to time it, we were watching out for each other. And so we figured that once the red light hit, we would count so many head down. And by the time we hit the bottom of the hill, the light was green, we shoot on through. And that's what we did. We learn to watch out and take these risks, and we learn so many great skills from doing things. Now, if the sheriff my mom knew what we were doing. She hadn't had a fit.
I'll be honest, my kids, adrenaline junkies themselves, they love taking risks, I can remember my son, Shiloh man, he was climbing everything. And I was always worried he was going to fall. But what I wound up doing is just standing close enough that if he did, I could catch him or grab him on his way down. But let him try those things. Let him try scaling the cinderblock fence or wall that you have around your property. And being there for them, letting them climb the big play structures at the playground and letting them find new ways to do that. It's so funny. I was sitting in the parking lot just last week at a Walmart. And I can't remember why it was just in the car. I think my husband was just running in real quick for something. And I'm sitting in the car and I'm watching and there's this family, and Mum and Dad must have just run in. And there was an older child watching the kids in the car. And one of the kids got out and started climbing on the basket Carol, you know what you return your basket. And he's climbing on that, like it is just total play structure. Well, I'll keep an eye on and make sure that if he gets hurt, can call. But he was happy and he was thrilled. And he didn't get hurt. He just tried it. You know, there's no shame. And there's actually lots to learn in failing in trying something new. So think of how our kids learned to crawl or walk or ride a bike. They didn't just give it one try and give up. They fell several times. They got bumps and bruises. But they got up and they tried again and again until they figured it out. So there's a research team. And I'm going to talk about a couple of research teams on this episode. But the first one I wanted to share was the research team of persone, Gibbons and gray and they've done several research projects on this very topic on children and how they take risks. And among their findings, they found that some of the favorite things that kids love to do, I don't think you're going to be particularly surprised by this. But playing at heights climbing up right, rushing around a high speeds, using grownup tools, playing near elements such as water and fire, and rough and tumble play like wrestling and playing away from that adult supervision. They're always looking to do those things. So think about it. Taking risks is actually beneficial to their physical health. They are outside running around, playing with friends and using their bodies. And when we don't let them have this time to walk to and from school, climb that tree, ride that bike around the block, or even down a hill. We are cutting back or even eliminating the amount of physical activity your child is able to engage in, and they need to use their bodies. They need to sweat a little and heaven forbid get a drink out of the garden hose. Kids need at least 60 minutes a day of running around outside in both hot and cold weather. Now, if they're in school, they're going to get some of that while they're at school with recess, right. There's usually at least one recess in addition to the recess after lunch. Some schools will have more than that and terrific some schools are more conservative, I guess is the word I'm looking for. When it comes to cold weather, or if it's windy or Whatever. So you want to make sure that you know, did they cancel recess today? Did they do indoor play today, even when it's cold, it's good for kids to be outside for as much as they can. And to be running around building snowman, building sled hills, you know, developing those things. Those are fine in the winter, it's good for them to be outside, and they will actually be healthier, have fewer colds, fewer illnesses, when they get that fresh air from outside, when I very first started teaching, I was teaching at a very old school, but I had windows on both sides of my classroom, it was kind of like in this peninsula thing. And so in the morning, even when it was 10, below, I would open up the windows on both sides, let the fresh air go through the room. And then my Aiden, I would close them up before the kids came in. And things could kind of warm up a little bit. But we had far fewer illnesses that year than the other classrooms in my group. But we were the only ones that were opening up the windows every morning, and getting that fresh air through the room. So it's important for them to be able to have that air. And it will help them strengthen their immune systems. Not only is it strengthening their immune systems, it's strengthening their muscles and their bones and their hearts and their lungs. And they need this to be healthy not only in their youth, but in their adulthood. And we know that a physically challenging childhood actually leads to adults who are more likely to retain that love of outdoors. And they'll live healthier lifestyles far along most of their lives. And I have to admit, even still, I get a kick out of surprising my kids when I go out and get on the pogo stick. And I can do it longer than they can. And they're like, well, Dana, my grandkids call me Nina. And it's fun, it's engaging. And so let's let them do that and be healthier. Let them climb that tree and run around at the playground and try new tricks on their bikes. Remember, Look, Mom, no hands. Remember that one. And they can do tricks on their skateboard or their scooters. Find things though, that you can do together as well. So there are times when they're on their own, doing free play and having fun. And then there are times when you as a mom and dad can engage and become part of that. Things like skiing. Again, bike riding boy, I shoulda brought that up a lot today overnight. Huh? I wonder why hiking, camping. The list goes on and on. in organized sports are great. But just don't let it take over your life. Let them have that free time and that engaging time so that they are not feeling overwhelmed with I have school I have homework I have, whatever sport it may be. And I don't have time to just play and be me. So last summer, I have a grandson. And he was in martial arts, some kind of martial arts, I don't know, martial arts. He was on a competitive climbing team at seven. He loves climbing and it worked out well. And he was in a couple other things, some summer camps and they would go camping on the weekends. And they always had things to do. And one day, he just had a total meltdown. And he's like, Mom, when do I get to just stay home and play at home. So she has a wise mom go rocky actually set it up on the calendar that there were home days for her kids that they could just stay home and play in the backyard jump on the tramp. Sylvan has a huge imagination. And so he could run and play and using his imagination on the different scenarios that he built up in his mind. But he needed that time alone and at home and not busy rushing around somewhere. Now some kids are gonna let you know that this is a problem for them. But like Sylvan at first, he had to have that meltdown. And as Rocky was trying to figure out what's going on. Why is this meltdown happening? And it came out that I am just overscheduled I just need time to play alone and play freely. ride my bike on they live on a cul de sac, ride my bike on the coldest sack and play with the neighbor kids and that's what he needed. Some kids are going to just tell you that some kids are not they're going to hold it in and you're going to see it manifest in other ways. And so really pay attention to what's going on with your kids now. In addition To the physical benefits, there are emotional benefits to risk taking as well. And so when kids try these big scary things, and they accomplish them, they gain self confidence, especially when it's something that takes a while to master. So I want you to think, do you remember the elation of finally mastering riding your bike without the training wheels, or jumping ropes successfully, making it across the monkey bars all by yourself?
Let's not rob our kids at these memories. And when they master these skills, they are building their own self esteem. And the more difficult the skill is, the greater the significance, it will be to them. I remember when think about when that big thing happened, are you accomplish that big thing as a kid, and it's a memory for you, right. So even if there is a greater risk of falling or getting hurt, chances are, they're still not going to. And chances are that they are actually going to learn things like mastering the skill, like persevering, making connections, problem solving, and then helping others along the way, aren't all of these skills we want our kids to have. And so don't rush them, just allow them to take their time, calculate their next move, and evaluate where they went wrong. And they will learn to actually reduce their own risks and future endeavors. They're going to learn my limitations, this is my reach, this is whatever. And they're going to learn more about keeping themselves safe, as they take these risks and master these skills. And then they're going to overcome their fears. Just even if it's inch by inch, that is fine. And that gives them the courage to face other fears. They're also developing their vestibular system, which is often called the sixth sense. So this system is the awareness of where you are in space, up and down, left and right, how close you are to other objects and other people, how close you are to the ground. And that's your vestibular system. And it's by these kinds of activities that we've been talking about, that that system gets developed. There's also social benefits to taking risk. So here's another research team, Jones, Greenberg, and Crowley. And they found that when children are free to play independently, and take risks, that they're learning about social norms and following rules, you know, kids are really good at enforcing their own social rules and their own game rules as they play on their own. When you look outside, and there's a bunch of kids, they come up with their own rules and how they're going to play pirates, or the grass is lava, or whatever it is, they come up with those rules, and they enforce their own rules with their friends. And it's kind of fun to watch. They also look out for each other and they support their friends. If someone gets hurt, or someone's afraid, they also become more creative. And when issues arise. They're gaining experience in problem solving. How are we going to build this fort? How are we going to make a bridge? Well, what's going to be our pirate ship? And how are we going to make that work? Right? They're problem solving. And another thing is they're learning about self control is they have to take turns, they have to work with friends. And then these skill set them up to be more successful as they become adults. So that same research group, Jones, Greenberg and Crowley back in 2015, they published a research study, and it showed that social and emotional growth in kindergarteners, right how they are developed in kindergarten is going to predict their success or their lack of success well into their adulthood, and across a wide variety of disciplines. It also affects the likelihood of listeners in future criminal activity, substance abuse and mental health issues. So they are on their way to having these trades that are going to help them or not help them as adults by the time they're in kindergarten. How important are these early years guys? So important? So what are the biggest obstacles to risk taking? Actually, the biggest obstacle is you and me the parents? We worry so much that our kids are going to get hurt, either physically or emotionally but getting hurt and overcoming these challenges are just part of being a kid and part of growing up. And if we don't give them the skills or help them develop Have them when they're young, how are they going to manage them as adults? Do we protect them from all injuries, physical and emotional. And then when they become teens or young adults, we say, off into the big wide world you go, I know I've solved all your problems for you in the past. But now you've got this. I've seen too many young adults falter and struggle with managing typical, just typical adulting problems, because they were never given the chance to develop the skills as children. And then the second biggest obstacle that they found in their study is the fearful child, the child's own fears. So each kiddo is different with individual temperaments. And while some kids are hard to rein in, like my boys, others seem to have a natural fear of just about everything. And so for these kiddos, it's good to just sit with them frequently, and talk with them about what they think might happen. Well, what do you think would happen if you walk down to the corner and back? What do you think is going to happen if you ride your bike to school, and I don't drive you? What do you think's going to happen if you go and play at a friend's house, some of that is beyond what kids are able to do. But if they can talk about what they're worried about what they're projecting as to what might happen, this is going to give you a better idea of what you're dealing with. And then the best way to help them move out of their comfort zone and take those chances. So if they're afraid of getting hurt, you may suggest a smaller challenge that would be easier to master, right? Or how about engaging with friends that have already mastered that challenge, and they watch their friends succeed, that might help as well. And just be patient. And encouraging. As your child learns to stretch themselves, you know, there's no one answer that's going to work for every child, it just doesn't work that way. And anybody who tells you that is selling snake oil, because every child is individual, and every parent is individual. And we all are working on trying to make things move forward the best we can. So try some things there, give it a shot and see what your child responds to, and then move from there. Now, physical take risking is not the only way that our kids take risks. And there is the risk of introducing yourself to someone new, or standing up for someone who needs help. And how about asking for help for yourself, or to snack on along with the crowd, because they're getting into something that they know they shouldn't be doing. There, excuse me, there is a connection with children who are confident in trying new things physically, and those who are willing to take social risks.
And so as the month goes on, we're going to be talking about all of these aspects of taking risks. So let's tie things up for today by saying that just like every kiddo, every parent has their own relationship with taking risks. And often children are going to reflect the attitudes of their parents, but not always. So with the understanding that giving our children freedom, whenever it is reasonable and appropriate, we are actually helping them to be safer, more confident, and socially strong.
So thanks for listening to Imperfect Heroes today. And you know, there are so many episodes that are available. We're at about 160 episodes now. So feel free to peruse them for topics that are meaningful to you, to your life and to your kids. We've got things from potty training to starting school. We've got you covered. And before I go, I want to remind you that if you're enjoying the podcast, please leave a rating and review and be sure to tell a friend. You can find me on Instagram and Facebook at Imperfect Heroes podcast, and I'd love to hear from you. And so until next time, let's find joy in parenting. See you guys!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai