Episode 150: Parent Perspectives: Teaching My Kids to Persevere with Memrie Cromwell

In this episode, special guest and mother of three, Memrie Cromwell joins DJ to discuss the challenges of raising young children, highlighting the importance of perseverance, spiritual practices, curiosity, and self-reflection.

Listen in as they share personal anecdotes and strategies for coping with the demands of motherhood, including setting clear expectations, providing support without taking over, and praising children for their efforts and accomplishments. Stay tuned as they also discuss the importance of modeling perseverance and conflict resolution skills for children, offer strategies for maintaining spousal support, and building strong, supportive relationships within family dynamics. 

TIMESTAMPS
5:34 - DJ and Memrie Cromwell discuss the importance of modeling perseverance and resolving conflicts respectfully for children.
8:52 - Memrie emphasizes consistency and using immediate consequences to teach children valuable life lessons.
15:27 - Memrie encourages parents to take a step back and be curious when things go awry instead of beating themselves up about it.
21:33 - DJ suggests teaching young children responsibilities and the value of hard work through age-appropriate tasks.

For more information on the Imperfect Heroes podcast, visit: https://www.imperfectheroespodcast.com/

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Transcript

Children  0:00  
We think you should know that Imperfect Heroes podcast is a production of Little Hearts Academy USA.

DJ Stutz  0:09  
You're listening to Imperfect Heroes - Insights Into Parenting, the perfect podcast for imperfect parents looking to find joy in their experience of raising children in an imperfect world. And I'm your host, DJ Stutz.

Hey, everyone, thanks for deciding to spend the next few minutes with us here at Imperfect Heroes. And before we get started, I just wanted to remind everybody that we have the Parent Perspectives Workshops. So this episode, once a month, I do a parent perspectives episode where we have a parent who's coming in who's just knee deep and kids and trying to make it all work. But we also now doing a workshop once a month, where you can attend, it's over Zoom. And you can ask questions, and we can share ideas and maybe do a little coaching with a chosen one or two. And we always have a topic. So the topic matches our topic for the podcast. So this month, our topic is building perseverance in our kiddos. And you know, parents need some perseverance, too. And that's a hard thing we'll be talking about that is the fourth Thursday of every month, at 1pm. Mountain Time. And if you go ahead and register for it on my website, www.littleheartsacademyusa.com. Don't worry, the link will be in the show notes. But if you go ahead and register, you will also have the replays available to you as well. So if you can't make it, but you want to get that information, then you can still register and then you'll get the replays on it. And you can watch it that way. So fun fun. I hope you'll all enjoy and but for Well actually not before you go. But before you do anything else while you're listening at this very moment, I want you to hit the like and follow and five star ratings five stars. And leave us a review on how much you love this episode. So I'd love to hear from all of you. 

All right, well, let's get going. So like I said, today, we are talking about perseverance, and how to help our kids keep going when the going gets rough. And so I have as my parent perspective, today is Memrie Cromwell, she's out of Idaho Falls. And she has three children. With number four on the way how exciting for you. So Memrie, how are you doing?

Memrie Cromwell  2:56  
I'm really good. I'm really excited to be here. Thanks for having me. This is I've never done anything like this before. So I just hope I can give some perspective, I guess and hopefully gain some perspective too.

DJ Stutz  3:09  
Absolutely. And we can do all of that. Yeah. And that's what I love about doing the parent perspective episodes is that it is someone who isn't polished, who hasn't done a bunch of podcasts. And it's just very raw and very real. And so thank you so much for jumping in and and being a part of this. So, Memrie, let's talk for a minute about so you've got three kids now why don't you share their ages with us? Sure.

Memrie Cromwell  3:36  
So my oldest daughter, she's five. She's in preschool right now. And then my next daughter, she is three, she's going to be four next month. And then my son, he's he'll be two and a half hair soon. So had him really quick. And it's honestly my favorite, just seeing them all playing together and seeing how they're all experiencing a lot of the same seasons of life altogether. But there's a lot of times that it can get really challenging just trying to meet all of their needs, all at the same time. They all want me to come play with them, or they need help getting dressed or you know, getting food or all of that. So it definitely has its challenges. But I feel like that's going to be the case no matter what age my children are. And for every parent, just raising children. It's just a challenge. And yeah, it can be hard to be up for that challenge some days.

DJ Stutz  4:30  
So true. So true. And for anyone who's been listening, they know that I'm the mother of five. And I totally understand in fact, I can remember. So I had the four we adopted our fifth much later on, but our fourth everyone else was in school except for him. He was still you know, at home, and I had just a tough day I was exhausted. So he was down for his nap and I lay down on the couch and And when I woke up, he's sitting on top of me. And I'm like snoring away, you know, I was so exhausted. I didn't even feel him climbing on me. I was asleep. I just woke up. And he was sound asleep actually on top of me. So I don't know how long he was there. But that was pretty funny. I get it, man, I know how tired you can get and how exhausting all that can be. And so when I think about perseverance, though, first off, I think that we have to model it right? We have to show the example of sticking to it even when things are hard. But then even as a parent, sticking to it when they're whining, and they're arguing. They're doing all of the good things that just wear us down. And you have a tendency to be like, okay, okay, just be quiet and leave, or just, okay, have it. I just want the noise just. Yeah, you ever have moments like that?

Memrie Cromwell  6:11  
Yeah, it's really hard to just keep that focus on what the goal is. It's not just about giving your child whatever it is that they want, right then and there. But it's more going. Okay, what's the long term goal here? What am I trying to achieve? Or what am I trying to help them learn? So? Yeah, there's a lot of times to when, you know, they're fighting over something. And it's, it's hard not to just be like, it doesn't matter who started it, it doesn't matter what what happened. Because you really want to try to help them, you know, come to that resolution and, and not just have you be the one that always figures it out. But model for them how to resolve that conflict and how to come to a resolution that they both are okay with. And so, yeah, it can be really challenging sometimes just to try to keep that perspective, I guess you could say of what your what your end goal is, you know, you're trying to raise good, happy, healthy. My mom always said that she wanted her children to have a relationship with God and to be assets to society, like those were her two main focuses, you know, in her life, and yeah, yeah, that's really how I try to model my parenting as well.

DJ Stutz  7:25  
Exactly. And I think, too, when you keep that in mind, and you keep that the goals, or you have, these are our values, these are our family values. And you've had that conversation between like you and your husband. And then you have those conversations between you and the kids, right. And so this is how we solve conflict, we don't scream and yell and use ugly names. And we talk about what the issue is. And so when we set that example, it helps us more with our kids, and I work with some families, I do parent coaching, but I work with some families where the couples are arguing all the time. And then they're like, my kids argue all the time. It's like, yeah, yeah. And there's a way to have disagreements. And I think it's good for kids to see that marriage isn't perfect all the time. I had one friend, she never saw her parents argue. And so then when she got married, and of course, they had their first argument, she thought the whole world had come apart. Yeah. And, you know, it was hysterical, talking to her about him. So I think when we teach them how to have a disagreement respectfully, but again, that can be difficult, what you're talking about takes time, right? Yeah. And, and so you've got all these other things you're trying to get done. Or you have another child that needs your attention, you have a baby coming, you're going to have to be like nursing the baby and doing those things that are giving care. And so it's so easy to kind of give in on those moments. Yeah, for

Memrie Cromwell  9:02  
sure. I think another point too, is along with the time is just being consistent with it, because kids are so they're so perceptive on when you say something, if you're actually going to follow through with it. And that has been something that I've really tried to push hard with that when I say, okay, yes, I'm going to stop what I'm working on and come play with you. I literally have to set a timer on my watch. So that I remember that, you know,

DJ Stutz  9:28  
so the strategies, I get my parents.

Memrie Cromwell  9:32  
I'm gonna be there in five minutes. And then I literally put a timer on that says five minutes, and then I show the child and say, okay, look, here's the timer. It's counting down, you know, let me finish doing the dishes or answering this email or, you know, writing this check for this bill, you know, something that would be really hard for me to remember to come back to, to that I want to be interrupted in right then. And so but I think that that has really helped, just so that at least for my oldest, I'm still working on it with my younger ones show with my oldest versus like, okay, when mom says something, then that means it's actually going to happen. And I can count on that. And then that way, she can apply that to some of those bigger picture things, right? Where the end result is not going to be quite as immediate as when I tell her, Hey, it's important to brush your teeth, morning and night, or else you get cavities. I mean, if she doesn't, she's not gonna see that consequence right away. No, but if I'm consistent on those other things, where the consequences are a little more immediate, then she can trust me on those bigger things. When I talk about, you know, another thing that I use for my kids to mediate their conflicts, is I asked them, Okay, is this toy more important than your sister? Is this, you know, this treat more important than your brother? Let's both you know, what are we really upset about? What are we really focusing on here? And I in a way, I, you could almost say, I'm brainwashing my kids, because I'm like, Hey, your siblings are your best friends. Like that is something that I believe, and my husband believes in very, very strongly. And I tell them, you know, they are going to be with you your whole life, Mom and Dad aren't going to be with a whole life, your spouse is not going to be with you your whole life, but your sibling can be and if you can have them as that best friend, that's going to be someone that you can rely on and someone that you can connect with that you're not really going to find anywhere else.

DJ Stutz  11:22  
Yeah, I agree. Although I will say you need to be sure you're nurturing that spousal relationship, too, because hopefully, that spouse is going to be there after the kids are long gone. So Right. Yeah, we want to persevere in that marriage thing that can be hard to.

Memrie Cromwell  11:38  
Yes, yes. No, for sure. I was just referring to that. Your sibling knows you for that entire childhood period. They can relate to those issues or problems that you had growing up, as well. But yes, no, your spouse is always should be number one priority. But yeah, siblings are really in there to

DJ Stutz  11:58  
make it feel. Yeah. And I think it's kind of it. So I come from a large family. I'm the oldest of seven. My husband is the youngest of nine. And we all get along with our siblings. And now that hasn't always been the case. I know my husband had a sibling that was struggling with her own issues. But but then through patients, and what I loved watching was even as adults, they had developed such good relationships while they were kids, that they were able to standby and give her space, but she was always still included. And now they're all like, she's been able to work things out in her own head and get whatever help and it's like, yeah, you're our best. Like we love you know, there's no grudges no anything. And so when they can do that, as adults that, to me that really says so much about what was invested by mom and dad, in time and in love and an example when they were kids. So that outlook and that state of mind was there. So I really love that. Yeah. And so what keeps you going, then, when you're having those moments, like, I can't stand this anymore. What What keeps you persevering? Personally? Sure.

Memrie Cromwell  13:19  
Personally, I think my relationship with God, there's been a lot of times when I just say a prayer in my heart, or when I just go, Okay, I can't do this. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle this. But I know that God does that he knows these children way more than I do. And he understands them. And that helps me immensely. I would say that's my number one. Every day, I tried to do a little devotional with my children where we seen, you know, children song, and we read a scripture and we practice saying prayers, and it's not long, like it's five minutes. And it's, you know, it's nothing that is a huge production. I mean, sometimes we'll watch you know, a little movie clip, or we'll do like a little craft, just something. But I feel for me that when I do that, it makes me a better parent. It makes me able to have more patience, and more understanding and compassion, instead of when my two year old is throwing a fit and rolling around on the ground screaming instead of going like why are you doing this? Then I can go I still love you. I'm here for you. Even when I'm like come on cuddle me and he's just screaming No, no right now and he doesn't want anything to do with me right then and there. But yeah, that's my biggest thing. And then I think the next thing is that I really tried to give myself that grace, I guess you could call it where I go. I have never had a five year old before and I talk about that with my kids too. When I make a mistake when I lash out, snap at them or something and I can tell I've hurt their feelings. I'll go and I'll say, sorry, I'm still learning. I've never been a mom to a five year old before. I've never been a mom to a five and a three year old before. I've never, this is my first time. And I know it's their first time doing all of this too. And so I think for me, just giving myself that space, I guess, to grow and not fold it against myself and not go, Oh, why aren't you a better parent? Go, look, I'm learning. I'm changing. I'm growing. And my oldest, she's so funny, because she's at the point where she'll be like, Mom, are you having a bad day? And I'll be like, Yeah, I'm a little bit and it's okay, Mom, it's your first time. Oh,

DJ Stutz  15:41  
I love that. See, and she's showing to give grace to you. And right, what a lovely thing. Yeah. And I think too, for me, I God blessed me with big personality kids. And my boys were both adrenaline junkies. And I'm just like, so thrilled, we all survived to adulthood. Jumping off things, and just, Oh, my goodness, but I think to remember remembering that there's a reason God gave you the kids he gave you. And that you had that something that he entrusted that personality, or even that child with a disability or whatever. There's a reason he entrusted you with that child. And so I think Tony, like you said, turning to him, is such a great idea. And then remembering when your child is on the ground, throwing that two year old dad drum, you know, it's like, yes, he's a child of God to David at this moment. And I think too, though, one of the things that helped me manage is taking a step back and saying, Okay, why did things go awry? And not beating myself up about it. But being curious about it. And think, yeah, all right. So what's going on? What time of day? Was it? Who were they with? What was I doing? What room? Are they even? Are they in? Were they hungry? Were they tired? Were they not? Had they not had enough time just running around? And being a kid outside? You know, what are some things that are going on? And then when you come at it from a point of curiosity, instead of I'm such a terrible mother, or he's such a terrible or she's such a terrible kid. And I've had parents say that to me, my child's a monster. And the child sitting right there next to them. I'm like, Well, you just told them, they will believe you. You say these things? You say that you believe Yeah, well, because you're their mom, you love them, right? And especially at these young ages. It's like, oh, I'm a monster. Okay, then I guess that's what I am. And so when when we really stop and think about not beating ourselves up, I keep saying that, because I really want to drum that home. But being curious, because we all we get tired, we have our own triggers from our own childhood, or we all have bad days where it's just harder to keep it together, then other days, but our kids have those days too. And those moments, and so it's really important to take that step back. And maybe ever the teacher, I know, I'm always the teacher, get the data. And take a week and even keep a notebook on when things are happening and what's going on. So that then at the end of the week, you can go back and look and see is there a pattern? What's going on? You know what I mean? And that's going to give you some ideas on how to react to it. So anyway, we've talked some about being a mom and a dad and persevering with our kiddos. But then how do we teach our children to persevere? It seems like we're in such an instant gratification society now. We get mad when it takes too long to download something that would have taken weeks to get in the mail. Right? It's so slow, I can't stand it. And so how do we teach our kids to persevere even when something hard to do, even if it's something like a puzzle, or a Lego structure or sticking by a friend when their friend is going through a hard time or wanting to play baseball but I can't hit the ball, right? I'm not good at this. Of course, no one's gonna did it two years old. No one's good at it three years old, you know, but I tend to want to, and we tend to in today's society, I think, tend to more and more like, oh, you can back off. We can quit we can do this. And instead of saying, let's keep trying, how do you teach that to your Our kids,

Memrie Cromwell  20:00  
you know, I really try to make sure that it's something that they really want. Oh, so like, you use the example, you know, of, oh, I can't hit the ball, it just reminds me of, you know, my oldest is starting to get into drawing her own art, you know? Sure. And she loves coloring, she really enjoys that. And then she's excited about oh, drawing, and there's been a couple of instances when she's been drawing something, and my husband is an excellent artist, he can sit down, and you can tell him, I want to draw this, and he can just whip it out, and I am not. And I know that about myself, and I'm okay with that. And so it's so funny, because when the kids are, you know, getting agitated at church or something, you know, he'll, they'll be like, Dad, draw me a horse or draw me, you know, and he'll just draw really fast, and then they can color it, and they'll ask me, and I'll do my best, and it doesn't look anything like Dad. You know? And that's, that's okay. Like, I'm okay with that. And my oldest so like, she'll start drawing things, and she'll get really frustrated because she can't do it. Right, you know. And so a lot of times, I'm like, Kimber, you know, my oldest, I'm like, Hey, how old are you? She's like, I'm five. I'm like, going, have you ever done this before? She's like, No, I'm like, so why do you think that you're just gonna do it perfectly the first time you know how old dad is, he's been doing this his whole life. He's had lots and lots of practice. And so I think, for her to kind of make that connection. And then when she sees me, and I'm like, I'm not as good as dad at it, but that's okay, I can still have fun doing it. Just because you're not perfect, doesn't mean that you have to stop doing it, you can still enjoy it, I play the piano. And I'm not a great pianist at all, you know, but I play enough to play the songs that me and my kids can sing along with and, and I'm teaching, my two girls are showing an interest in that as well. And this a similar story, you know, where she gets frustrated, because she can't play like mom does. And so then I have to remind her, you know, all the years and years of piano playing that I have had, and the teachers that I've had, and just how this is a long term thing. And then when she does accomplish, you know, that little three note song, then I can tell her, look how far you've come look at what you've managed to accomplish just in this little bit. So you're not comparing your success to someone else's, but just to your past self. And so I think that helps a lot. With my middle child, she's really gotten into this thing lately, well, we're, we will start a craft, and then she gets frustrated, because her older sister is doing it, you know, easier or faster shirt. So then she'll say, mom do this, you know, come come do this for me. And it's been tough because as a mom, I really want to just, you know, jump in and just do it for her. Because I can see that she's upset, and she's sad. And you know, that self esteem is going down. But then I have to stop myself and go, No, sweetie, like, if you're done, and you're happy with the result, then you can be done. But if you want it to be finished, or if you want to complete the project, then it's going to have to be up to you, you know, I will, I will coach you. And I will try to be here with you. But I'm not going to do it for you. And sometimes she's finished it. And other times she hasn't. And but either way, she's been happy with the end results. And I feel like that's the point of what we're working on here. Exactly.

DJ Stutz  23:25  
And your kids are young, your five year old is at the age where she can start helping around the house and having some responsibilities there. And then you've got your almost four year old that probably just at the beginning of those kinds of stages of having certain responsibilities. But I think to teaching them that it's not until it's done. As far as I mean, if it's an art project and something like that. They're the ones that the artist is the one who determines whether it's the right place, but then we have other standards say like, I don't know cleaning the room or clearing the table or some of those things. And so I think one of the things that we really need to work with as a society with our kids is teaching them that yeah, you do have these responsibilities and we go until it's done. And so taking a step back, and then having some key things that they can check off if it's done so I can remember even with my kids, my husband is a engineer and he had this thing at work where he could get things. Now we can do it easily but back then it was harder but have some put on the mirror. And so the bathroom is clean when you don't know clothes are on the floor. They're all in the hamper and the towels are picked up and hung up and so you could have a list in it. They're really young even pictures of this in this in this are done. And so then you've got something to refer to that the kids can refer to and say let's do the checklist and start looking at it and if they've missed it but persevere and and sometimes, honestly a clean room is too much For a kiddo, because they have every one of their toys out. And they wanted to dress up. So all the clothes are out. And it's just. And so I think understanding about breaking it up into bite sized pieces. And even having fun with that, no, only pick up the yellow toys, that's a blue. Let's do the yellow toys first and having fun with it and joking around with it can help. But we keep going. And I love that you brought in earlier, when you talked about using a timer for yourself, right? Oh, my kids, I'm going to do this in five minutes or in 10 minutes. But we can do that too, with, we're going to work on this for 510 minutes or whatever. And then we'll take a break, but then we're going to come back to it. And so they see that timer moving along. But we're going to keep coming back. So we can do fast, we can do it slow. But we're gonna do it. And I understand that we need break. So how do you I guess how does that kind of a thing work for you with your family as they're just learning how to contribute and be a part of the family is important that we need you to do this, you are so important. Because you help out with that

Memrie Cromwell  26:11  
that? Yeah, yeah, they're, you're a part of this family too. That's definitely something I'm running into, you know, with the older too well, I didn't make this mess. Well, she did this not me. And yeah, I think my biggest thing that I tried to do is get on the floor and help them with it, you know, whether it's putting away their laundry or putting away their toys, instead of just saying, Go put away your toys, or go clean this up. I read this article one time that was talking about how we as parents get frustrated needing to tell our children over and over the same thing over and over again. And this article brought up how our children don't have that prefrontal cortex. And so they don't understand that decision and that logic making process and we as their parents are that part of their brain for them right now. And that's why we have to keep telling them the same thing over and over. It's not that they're not listening. It's not that they're trying to be mean back to us, or trying to stick it to us or whatever you want to call it. But it's just literally that part of their brain is not fully developed. And so when I say Okay, it's time to clean up toys, and they go over there, and they just stand there and look at them. And I say, okay, you know, I'm gonna pick up like you talked about, you know, doing the colors, you know, usually we'll do it like a category, pick up all the crayons and pick up the blocks, and we're gonna pick up the Barbies. And when they see that I'm in there, doing it with them, and making it fun and having fun that it's not a chore. It's not something that I dislike doing. But it's something that we get to all do together, then that really helps. And then again, back to that consistency thing, before we go to bed. I always have them clean up the front room where they've been playing. And I tell them all the time, I don't mind the mess, the mess does not bother me. But when you're done, we just need to clean it up. And so yeah, I think for them, it's helped to make that kind of transition of, oh, I can make the mess. I can have fun. Not gonna get in trouble for this. But I just need to clean it up when I'm finished. So hopefully that'll help them make it into a positive thing instead of uh oh, now I'm done. Having fun now like, now comes the non non fun part.

DJ Stutz  28:16  
Yeah, exactly. And what's interesting, too, and I love that you brought this up, was you're in there helping them, especially when they're young, and they're learning this stuff? How many times do we as adults need to be shown something, you know, especially with technology for me, I need to be shown a few times, and I need to be working on it. And I'll get to a point where I can do most of that. But then I'll forget one part, you know, and so I'm independent for part of it. And then I can go back to someone and say I forgot this part, what am I missing? But with kids? Absolutely. And in fact, it could take up to 100 repetitions. And that is well within the normal for a child to have to repeat something you have to tell them to do something that many times before it actually does get in. So it's funny, like, I'll hear people, our parents say, How many times do I have to tell you like about 100? Or I told you five times 95 to go. So it's just how their brains are developing, how they are functioning and understanding that develop those developmental stages. And one of the things that I like to say is that age appropriate is not always socially appropriate. Right? Age appropriate for two year old to have a meltdown in the cereal aisle, because they wanted the cocoa puffs and you said no. And what's important is they don't ever get the Cocoa Puffs after on that day anyway after having a meltdown. But we can help them through it. It just means we don't need to be afraid of a behavior. You know, my kids being a monster, whatever, right? But we're at this stage. Gotcha. I know what to do. Or I'll go Find out what to do. And it's not a big deal. So I think having those attitudes do you sound like you're really thinking things through and being positive and helping them. And then one thing that I like to do is sometimes goof it up with my kids. So like, if my siblings are fighting, right are my kiddos, they're fighting with their siblings, and I'm just tired of it. Do something off the cuff like something totally bizarre. So put a pot on your head, and then go into the room where they're arguing and start vacuuming or cleaning. And they'll stop arguing because Mom, you've got a pot on your head. Like, what? Mom, there's, like, what are you doing right? And then it becomes something that's silly and funny and laughing. And then you can say, Oh, that is their, you know, what a goofy thing. And then now that they've kind of been jolted out of that anger mode, we can talk about did I hear some arguing in there by the way, I wasn't sure I was busy vacuuming, but I thought I heard some arguing what was going on. Now you can address it in a different manner than coming in and tired of all this and I don't care I started it. So we get to that point. But yeah, so parents if you would like more information, or some more help on problem solving with helping our kids persevere in their relationships, in their tasks in their faith in their whatever it is, but keeping going. I'm here to help and I'd love to talk to anyone. My Calendar link is down in the show notes, my email. If you have any questions, please shoot me an email or whatever, and we will get back with you. But Memrie I am so glad that you took the time to be here. I know it's busy for and yeah, I really do me. Oh, for sure. For sure. So everyone just before you go remember, follow like five stars. Happy review. Or just tell me what you want or what you're interested in topics maybe that you're looking for in the future. And join us for those Parent Perspective workshops. They're free, and I'd love to see you there. So until next week, everyone, let's find joy in parenting. Bye, guys.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai