Grief, How to deal with it this Holiday Season and Beyond

Attorney Regina Campbell, of the Campbell Law Group, leads an informative and engaging conversation with South Florida Psychologist, Dr. Teddy Tarr, regarding grief and bereavement during the holidays and beyond.

The Campbell Law Group P.A. while representing clients whether in civil, corporate, commercial, employment, or family law matters, our company’s primary goal is first to help clients minimize the need for unnecessary litigation and conflict where possible. If litigation is necessary, our company is more than capable of representing you or your business’ interest and helping you achieve a fair outcome, while guiding you, your family and your company through the difficulties involved in litigation.

This channel has been created to provide valuable information regarding certain areas of law that would be helpful to the public

The Campbell Law Group P.A. while representing clients whether in civil, corporate, commercial, employment, or family law matters, our company’s primary goal is first to help clients minimize the need for unnecessary litigation and conflict where possible.

Contact us by calling our office at (305) 460-0145 or emailing us at service@thecampbelllawgroup.com.

Transcript

0:11

Hi I’m Regina Campbell the managing principal and attorney here at the Campbell law group   we want to welcome you back for our episode eight season one of the legal zone  

0:21

I have the pleasure of introducing to you to you today Dr. Teddy Tarr thank you  

0:29

thank you for being with us with Dr. Tarr today we are going to talk about grief and  

0:35

how to handle it during the holiday season and beyond I think it'll be very instructive I’m   going to give you know Dr. tart can you give us a little background on your  

0:44

experience and your education and what you do well I always say I wish I had done just the lectures  

0:50

but unfortunately, I got to do all the workshops and I got to have all the losses which was just  

0:57

awful and that was why I went to school to become a psychologist to work with bereavement  

1:02

and I’m only going to tell you that like anything else you can become OCD and just want  

1:08

to know everything and learn everything and absorb yourself it's very enticing just  

1:15

like anything else if you happen to be interested in phanentology then take a bereavement course  

1:23

wow okay so that is your specialty breed this is my specialty please call me teddy thank you teddy  

1:29

thank you i did not do it i want to presume so thank you daddy so yeah so I want to talk today  

1:35

it's very important there you know as you know I’m a lawyer and I handle civil and family law cases  

1:41

and very often of course there's the element that you know particularly if there's any case element   of damages of mental health or the symptoms of damages actually results as of mental health  

1:52

issues whether it's trauma or you know whether it might be from a rape from an injury from a car   injury or issues going on with children and family so often psychologists are a very big part of that  

2:04

and within that so and of course we are also in the holiday seasons we are you know coming  

2:10

up two years of covid I thought this was a very important topic to discuss particularly in the  

2:15

holidays and after the difficult times we won’t have so if you could talk to me a little bit  

2:20

about like what do you say to a client like on the first visit what type of things do you ask them  

2:25

to figure out where to start well thanking you first of all to inviting me because unlike a lot of  

2:32

other topics bereavement is not necessarily real popular among any anybody among anybody because  

2:40

none of us want to be in that particular place and all it takes is one phone call and there you are  

2:47

so, in general when someone comes to see me, and I know nothing I rarely talk to anyone over the  

2:52

phone other than they might say I lost somebody but they I just don't get into a discussion over  

2:58

the phone about bereavement it's not appropriate so what usually I start with is  

3:06

I introduce myself what brought you here that is the first thing and I’m looking for just  

3:14

a small narrative telling me what's happened if it looks to me like it could possibly be a court  

3:23

case I always ask are you involved in a court case that's very important for me to know  

3:31

because I’m going to have to set up a record that's absolutely unbelievably good  

3:39

not only am I so expected to do therapy that’s good I also have a record that's good and I  

3:44

try to do some kind of what we call a TSI, a traumatic symptom inventory something to show  

3:53

where this person is it happens to be one of the best traumatic tests there is by the way   trauma if it's if it's your person that's died it’s traumatic, I don't care how it's traumatic  

4:04

if it's just a personal law someone aged someone died of an illness no matter how old or how young  

4:11

we're in a different place but if it's a court case it's important for me to know I’m going   to have to keep a better record I’m going to have to do some objective testing I’m going to have to

4:23

try to explain to the client it's not what happened to you that gives you a court case  

4:28

on mental health at all it's here you were before this is what happened to you here you are now this  

4:38

is who you are now you can't work you can't do anything you have no life you have post-traumatic  

4:44

stress disorder whatever it is right that's my job is to show those changes and I imagine the  

4:51

causation that as a result of this accident this is all this has incurred all of this is ensued so  

4:57

to speak right and because it's important to show course of timelines and any kind of litigation   that's correct so and you as a professional as you’re indicating earlier you have to have your  

5:06

your chest you're anticipating already potentially being deposed and being called usually not  

5:13

I would rather have anybody but me why is that teddy one deposition is usually enough to say  

5:20

oh, I think we'll settle that's good because if you also if you come at a right with a record, it's one  

5:28

thing but if you really know the client and you know what's going on you can answer any question  

5:35

the only thing I do face I have to admit is I don't I didn't graduate from Cornell  

5:40

my claim to fame is I went to a Puerto Rican imported college which I just loved and  

5:47

my whole thoughts about that were I know what I know but they don't know what I know but on more  

5:54

than one occasion they've asked the client to go and find someone from Cornell and they come back   to me, and they say I want to find another attorney yeah so what I say no no psychologist ever won  

6:06

a court case only the attorney won the court case, so you stay with the attorney let me work with  

6:11

them well I can tell you from experience because I have you know you know worked with you and sent   people to the past I think it's very important but also for the court case you know yourself  

6:21

you I’ve been in it since 1992 I wrote my dissertation on complicated morning and I have a  

6:29

track on education I put me out as an absolutely possible possibly nothing else person  

6:36

who works with losses and brain that's it yeah and it's absolutely and you do an amazing job and   you're very personal you you're one-on-one with the people you understand your specific needs and  

6:46

how that particular person has had issues you know how it affected that particular person in trauma   you can articulate that very well and objectify that in exams thank you and everything yeah so  

6:57

I would take you any day over somebody else thank you it'd be okay if I went to a Puerto Rican  

7:03

school I love that particularly because I’m Puerto Rican I definitely have no problem with that  

7:08

and i I never find that as an indication of someone's ability or intelligence   at all I really don't I mean but I can't understand how people feel  

7:17

that ivy league schools in really good schools produce really good people   I think very good people get a very good education at any school and can do it right  

7:27

it's about that that's about yes how much you read how much you're into it yes how dedicated  

7:32

and I took a lot of brazing I took a tremendous amount of razzing they called me the d lady  

7:38

because of death by the way even through bremen don't lose your sense of humor   that's right you're going to have you're going to have to pull in all your resources one of your  

7:47

best resources are your sense of humor, and you need that right that's one of the tools you can use yes   right to be light-hearted at times that was my thought, so you know i kind of segues a little bit  

7:56

until we were talking about any general grief because this is also about the holiday season   but also beyond the holiday season because as you've told me grief doesn't  

8:05

turn on and off not yeah you can't turn it on and off it goes with you everywhere in life  

8:10

particularly if you've been through a traumatic incident or circumstances so talk to us a little   bit about you knows the holiday season so like how and how do you recognize grief  

8:20

is not always just sadness correct no it can be other losses as well I’d like to start with   human loss and then I’ll answer any questions you have because pet loss is really important  

8:29

but in general people who are not pet lovers do not see it as a big loss  

8:36

now you know you and I both love that, so we see it a little differently we feel we're parents yes  

8:42

and that we've lost one of our children yes, but you know you want to be very careful with others  

8:48

and that brings me to there's no cure in here I’m very clear I co-journey I can't cure this  

8:56

if I could cure it I’d say pull out your checkbook 10 grand I’ll take it out you won't have to go  

9:01

through this I would have done that for me forget for them there's only management grief is  

9:08

managed and it's managed over time and at any time with children or with adults it can hit you when  

9:16

you're least expected even after years during the holidays it can hit you so I want you to remember  

9:22

that so you need to manage yourself during the holidays intrusive memories are probably the   biggest problem yes because you remember every holiday you ever had with that person and the  

9:32

fact is you're all alone and I don't care what you do or where you go that's going to hit you   in the face right so even sometimes when you’re surrounded by people or other families and friends  

9:42

that person still may be gone if they might have passed away or you might have lost them and you   know a fight between each other may not be you know an accident or something of that nature but  

9:50

in general, that person is lost even though if you're surrounded by people, it's true you   can still suffer and feel lonely if you're if you had that loss of a particular person or companion  

9:59

or a child you still lost may I mention you mentioned pandemic yeah please  

10:05

if you have a relative or friend and they haven’t been vaccinated and one of their family members  

10:12

who aren’t vaccinated dies don't anybody ever put on the web they deserved it they should  

10:19

have been vaccinated you know there are a lot of people who love that person yeah and i   think it's very important to be kind if you can’t be kind, you shouldn't be using social  

10:28

media at all I’m sorry I agree okay and I just want to mention that because you said something  

10:33

and I think sometimes people do not realize it’s not you know there's different reasons people have   decided not to get yes you know to get vaccinated and then I don't think and I I can't imagine the  

10:43

person that may have passed either would think that they actually deserve to die because of that  

10:48

they actually put on there that they've killed themselves can you believe that I’ve had kids   in here that have had to deal with that so one of the things that happens you know we dream big yeah  

10:59

and when we lose someone that we love that that dream with that person is smashed it's shattered  

11:06

so, what happens is no matter where we go who we’re with and a lot of times people think well if you  

11:11

had four children you lose one or you still have your other three worst thing in the world to say  

11:18

absolutely people actually make that mistake and say that wow yeah wow so one of the things  

11:24

is recognizing what to say very little if you’re if you're trying to help someone through bremen  

11:31

very little if you're the one going through the bereavement then what you have to do is   say to yourself you know what people love me, they’re trying to give me advice horrible advice  

11:41

but they love me so the best thing to say is don't get in a battleground just say  

11:47

thank you carol I thank you Jun I thank you I know you care about me and move on don't start  

11:55

if you start cutting people off who normally are there for you, you'll have no one at the   end of bereavement so no matter how many families and friends you have no matter how  

12:05

many parties you go to it won't matter it’s not going to take it out don't realize that  

12:11

don't expect someone else to support your bereavement pick out someone who you can  

12:17

talk to who you can say look I don't need you to fix this I just need you to help me with it  

12:23

just listen yeah just be there to be there and just listen because sometimes I think friends  

12:29

what they want to they almost want to get in there and cradle you or take it out for you or to help   you somehow fix it and they really are something that you said before it is a journey that will be  

12:39

with you through the good times the bad times yeah, it’s a matter of managing it yeah right so and I   think you created I mean this is particularly a handout that I’m going to post also but you  

12:47

created a grief on the holidays you know list a checklist here that we could give people ideas on  

12:53

how to deal with that is the typical list I pulled that from my files actually personally it's kaka  

13:02

that's grief 101. if you're in group 101 and somebody just died in the last 20 minutes  

13:07

probably that's going to help you yeah but in general I want to I want to tell you what   I found I’m in this I didn't go in this because of reading and doing workshops I went to the  

13:21

reading and workshops because I had a lot of losses so you're on a battlefield you better  

13:27

have a lot of guts you better be capable of fighting this thing you need to say to yourself  

13:33

I’m going to surrender to the fact that this is what I’ve got I’ve got a battle going on I have  

13:39

lost this person they met, and you identify what they meant to you have to know what they meant  

13:45

in order to know what you've lost, and you have to work from there does that make sense absolutely  

13:51

okay so number one is I’m on a battlefield number two is I’m a thriver I’ve never given up on myself  

13:59

I’m not going to give up on myself now that isn’t going to help the person I’ve lost not   the problem is we keep going back to those last four or five slides of when they died yeah so one  

14:09

of the things I try to do is help people to move from there and you can do that yourself you can  

14:15

use your music you can use your reading materials you’re self-help I’m a big self-help person   I believe in self-help you can use your art you can use you know your friendships and your family  

14:25

and you can do a lot of things I’m only suggesting during the holidays  

14:30

keep it low key don't spread yourself so thin so thin don't think money is going to make it  

14:37

work no and stress yourself out more yeah you know if you if you normally go to four people's houses  

14:42

maybe you maybe you stay home, and you have people come visit you who can come to you know just   manage don't feel you have that responsibility to put on the dog so to speak if you're still  

14:50

going through it I agree and also you can give a limit you can say look I can have coffee with you  

14:58

but more than a half hour I start getting so tired yeah say that say that people understand  

15:04

what they won't understand if you cut them off and you don't take the phone and you ghost them right,  they won't understand that I need to learn how to live with this I need to learn how to manage it  

15:14

that was what I said to me I’m a thriver but I’m going to hurt just as much as somebody who is  

15:20

in the trauma a victim a survivor a thriver an inspirer someone who's gone through all this is  

15:29

the person you want to talk to yes, they know how to they know that you can't take it away overnight  

15:35

no and it's and it's a process right so we were talking a little bit before people are angry   well, they you know they didn't get vaccinated they deserved it, or they killed themselves that  

15:44

it also can be anger because nobody really not usually many people want to see somebody hurt  

15:51

but sometimes it's an anger that you're like why that person did that and here we have a death   maybe one in vengeance well that can be true with a doctor yes correct right or with someone  

16:01

that might have given them this advice and they get mad but isn't that like let's also proceed   surrender right maybe anger maybe lashing out isn’t that also another form of like maybe  

16:11

when people express grief although it looks more like something else I think in general  

16:16

it's an opportunity not to grieve okay but it doesn’t take takes it takes the place of the loss  

16:24

okay now I can go ahead and I can just be angry or I can be depressed I can curl up   I can go to my room but that's not going to do anything for you can stay there 24 years yeah  

16:35

nobody's going to come looking for you, you know my favorite expression that i created for myself was  

16:40

you know what death will look for your life isn’t going to find you death will go into the closet  

16:47

and look for you that's true life will never look for you so you can give up your life, so you have  

16:53

you have to chase after life you have to chase it and it's so it it just seems like anger might be a  

16:59

form of displacement of grief absolutely a good word yeah okay displacement is a good word also  

17:05

vengeance feeling so angry at people not uncommon that needs to be worked through anger at God right  

17:12

anger at God and angered the person who maybe drove the car anger at somebody who shot right  

17:17

or allowed them to keep drinking and they drunk themselves to death or something the problem is   anger served anger served today goes away anger starved will stay and it will  

17:30

keep coming back coming back so you've got to deal with it anger is something that says to us

17:39

look at this I need to do something about its anger is not the emotion  

17:44

the emotion is sadness that makes sense yeah anger is the thought anger is a cognitive thought I’m  

17:51

angry whereas sadness is the emotion okay and I guess anger to some extent for a lack of a better  

17:59

understanding you know when you're like okay this happened to me and your kind of like you can't   do anything about it the person may have been lost or the friendship or whatever may have happened  

18:07

or trauma happened to somebody because maybe it’s not always death it can be something else   that occurred you know a rape or something you know or something other losses yes yeah so you  

18:18

I could just see someone I want to do something about this so I guess anger is sort of it also  

18:24

it also distracts you it keeps you frightened it can be healthy yeah, we can turn it into  

18:29

healthy we can be angry and decide to give a scholarship to help find perpetrators to put them  

18:36

in prison or something true so it so it can be converted to positive things also because I think  

18:42

a lot of people think of grief they just think of sadness and depression and it's and   it has many faces to it and more than anything after what I’m hearing from you it's a journey  

18:51

it doesn't go away so you have to learn to all loss all loss has changed all change has  

18:56

lost that's what that is, and you know you mentioned the word rape  

19:02

I did a podcast on rape and that is that is not an area where you know I venture into all the  

19:09

time but oftentimes clients will talk about former times when something happened to him in general  

19:16

the more wounded you are with the rape the more injuries you have the more hospitalization  

19:22

people will believe you that is you'll get more sympathy if you have nothing showing on you  

19:29

you will get know something they'll say you should have bought them they'll say I don't believe you   right i hate to say that but no it's truly true I know does that make sense absolutely I have  

19:39

a lot of domestic violence victims that I yeah you know unless I I mean I sometimes say to him  

19:45

where's the evidence yes or like the judge is going to say you know especially when you actually   are very well at recovering or putting on a show not a show but there's some people that they could  

19:56

be dying inside and they just keep trying to have the best face forward to make themselves happy   to lift themselves up if they're dying inside well unfortunately to a judge you look fine or  

20:06

to somebody else and you're obviously right some people are like well you know you have a bruise  

20:11

so, you know it happened to you so you’re right you feel raped again okay so let's   say you're kidnapped and raped and sodomized and everything happens to you but if you've  

20:19

come to me now for five years I’ve been seeing you every time you come to me there's a session  

20:25

five years later the court case it comes to order but in the meantime, you've gotten a   promotion right you've found a guy you've married you now have a child you have this gorgeous house  

20:36

the jury is going to hear all of that, and they are not going to focus on that rape five years ago  

20:42

and it's unfortunate and it's not there that is it's absolutely this person is no more  

20:48

the person they were they're fearful they have no trust they have major trust issues   that child is going to be helicoptered yeah that mother is never going to hoover it's always going  

20:58

to be over that child yeah and that is because of what happened, but you're almost penalized yeah for   trying to recover from the trauma and doing well and trying to understand reasonably well because  

21:07

yeah, in your head you're not so but my job is not to keep somebody unhealthy right okay right you're

21:17

don't get better yeah don't get better than that you can win the court case no what I always say to people are the same thing if you want to reclaim your life you have to work really hard yes  

21:27

the money is never as significant as reclaiming your time in your life it might correct a hundred  

21:32

percent you know I mean and the money you can have money, but you can still sit there   and sadness and you can because you didn't know right exactly you didn't actually help yourself  

21:41

so, I think that I think that's why it's so important Greek has so many different faces to it   and particularly one of the areas that I’m really concerned with nowadays is  

21:50

children okay they are coming off as coveted none of us have ever experienced really  

21:55

anything like this and I’m seeing a lot of issues with mental health with children   and of course you know some children are quiet and that's dangerous for them you're like  

22:03

you don't know really what they're thinking you think they're fine and they're not fine   they're harboring thoughts of loneliness desperation you know insignificance or just  

22:13

feeling like this never-ending or I’ve lost my friends or and this happens also when they've been   bullied in any ways in normal circumstances but I think covid might have made the exasperated the  

22:21

situation they've had losses in families there's a lot of money difficulties going on with  

22:26

parents right now too also so how can grief or loss be different in a child does it does it show  

22:33

itself differently different behaviors and or like you’re saying cognitive sort of behaviors first of  

22:40

all kids are resilient very resilient very smart and they I hate to say our eavesdroppers they  

22:47

listen at the door they know everything you want to know something else before your room yeah

22:56

so, I think in a way we prepare our children with short-term pets  

23:03

yes, pets to die we teach them about death okay all the way along we build resilience even if  

23:10

there's a divorce it's not about the divorce it’s the two families and how they deal with the kids  

23:17

it's the same thing there was a lot of research done on World War ii kid’s kids that came out of  

23:24

England yeah, a lot of research on England and on those kids and families that stayed intact  

23:29

or that worked really hard and that isn't just the biological family but the extended family too  

23:36

made a big difference on how those kids grew up and the loss that they've had you know  

23:41

covet isn't going away I I think we think we’re going to care cover we're not going to care but   we've got probably 500 years of this in different ways in different manners and it's like anything  

23:52

else if you accept this is what you've got, and you don't let it interfere with your life 100  

23:58

but you play it safe yes you do the things to take care of yourself if you whatever the choices are  

24:03

okay interesting so that's what you know and I think maybe sometimes parents were lost in so  

24:10

much going on with the extra stress and this and that and in general I think like you're saying  

24:16

it could be okay it's just the way they deal with them and deal with you know teach them to   do it kids like to use kids they like to talk to their friends yeah that's one of the things when  

24:24

the kids come in I usually ask them do you have a friend that you talk to about this sometimes yes  

24:30

and sometimes no kids are resilient we have to work with the resiliency okay and I think  

24:36

the little books that are out there in their mini little books help a lot sometimes you know  

24:44

sometimes it's better to find a book than it is to try to talk to a child about something especially  

24:49

a young child yes yeah yeah i have my favorite book can i just grab my favorite yes absolutely  

24:56

it is my very own wait wait wait wait wait yeah i'm okay just don't want you to fall  

25:03

you know what it is she's afraid I’ll escape so she hasn't yes I have her see how I she   can't get away from it okay, so this is my very favorite book I’m sorry I didn't grab it earlier  

25:15

but it's called the next place and I think it's a fabulous book okay

25:23

sorry and what's it about and it's about it's about grief and it's about where we go and but it's not  

25:34

religious it's more of a spiritual kind of undertaking about feeling safe okay and that's why  

25:44

I like it you can see the pictures are beautiful yes why so far, the covers are beautiful you know I  

25:50

didn't I didn't say I think you asked the question you asked you wanted to know about children and   bereavement children agreement sometimes they’ll wet their bed they're regressed sometimes they'll  

26:00

cry more for a while it's hard to say if they’re with a I always suggest and I sometimes get calls  

26:07

about this that they're part of the funeral they’re part of the everything that's going  

26:12

on so that the pictures are there of them yeah even if you have a baby babies grieve give the  

26:17

baby to somebody who's able to handle the grief yeah yeah that's what that's a good point too  

26:24

because the parents themselves I mean sometimes they might be going through a lot of grief, and   they might be better off being with an aunt or an uncle someone well depending on the circumstances  

26:31

that would just be able to be a little bit kinder yes yes correct okay so again I mean because I  

26:36

just hear for a lot of times for parents you know of course well teenagers are teenagers right they   act out anyway they don't want to talk no no they don’t want to talk to anybody about anything to  

26:44

and the least they don't want to talk to you at all no no not it's like they  

26:50

would they want the help but like no I can't even accept it from you because it's you  

26:56

I can't be seen accepting it from you know what I mean so to speak there's a battleground   to some extent but you know teenagers they have as they get older, they're you know they're  

27:04

introduced to a lot of different other you know environments and other kids and unfortunately   drugs a lot of times and so it becomes more confusing to unwrap you know I think grief  

27:14

and all these things in children are especially teenagers I find maybe drawing out the trees  

27:21

maybe the ancestral trees where we’ve come from the children should know that how the Jed what kind of generations and what they did to bring us to where we are today okay  

27:32

and say no strong putting themselves in there okay how important they are okay   and how important they are in in the lineage and that even though this person has passed away  

27:41

they are still carrying those genes yeah yeah yeah and that they started when they went through this  

27:48

okay and then it's part of life it's part of what you go through okay wow though this has   been very very instructive i love it thank you you also have another handout that i'm going  

27:59

to post also on well-being that just overall helps people like beyond beyond the holidays  

28:04

the types of things that abuse january to start january yes i i want to also recommend walking  

28:10

okay gym whatever spinning if you happen to be more athletic some some of these things help you  

28:17

to get your body back there's a lot of body work done today i'm not particularly a bodywork person  

28:23

i don't look like a bodywork person i'm a person who likes to go to the refrigerator well anyway  

28:28

i'm not going to get into that but i am suggesting that exercise a good diet and  

28:35

not isolating yourself the socialization would be the important things i'll give you the strength  

28:40

also, to deal with the mental difficulties and the you know the you know the lethargy the depression  

28:46

and it just makes it easier right because that’s physiological as well right right the body talks   to the brain and the brain talks to the body, we don’t have two separate entities no correct so  

28:56

i mean just some of these I’ll list a couple out that you suggest optimistic mindset stay focused  

29:02

stay in control and know what needs what know what needs are important  

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you know strong motivation holistic upward progress these are all very important things  

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you also have feeling like you belong yeah strong support network all of a sudden, you're part of  

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a group of five going to dinner yeah, your friends two couples who used to go out with you know I  

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think rather than seeing it as three couples but you don't have a partner you want to see it as  

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five separate individuals sitting at a table because no one is feeling coupled when they're   eating dinner that's true too yes absolutely but we have these crazy ideas in our minds  

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well and I think sometimes we feel like we also might be embarrassed because we're single and   then there were two other couples can I go out to dinner by myself yes correct sometimes can I go to  

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dinner about myself you know and I’m always in awe and very inspired when I see some people that can  

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it takes a lot of courage to do it but if you stop and think about it sometimes what better company   than something to be by your to be yourself to be there with yourself with your thoughts to  

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enjoy the moment I mean sometimes that is a good way to do it as well excellent you know I mean   you are in good company you know so I mean there and ironically there have been some artists  

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I believe Keanu Reeves was one of them that was never embarrassed by you know doesn't always have   a girlfriend doesn't always have to have someone you know next to him and he's never embarrassed  

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by it and just said why not i mean better to be in my company than a bad company that's   really true and it's very healthy mentally you know time a lot of people will tell you well  

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give you know just it's going to take time no time gives us time, but it doesn't in itself heal  

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people can have a bereavement for 25 years to go to a group and find somebody in there who  

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never has given it up no it's true you have to decide that you're going to learn how to manage  

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and work with it but you're not going to take those intrusive bad feelings about yourself  

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and the loneliness that comes from not working and managing it I agree it's like you're saying  

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you know death will find you anywhere that you’re at but life will not you have to go live and go   look for it no I’ve seen people that have lost a loved one and they hide away for 10 years  

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something woke them up and they continue to then they might get remarried again or they might you  

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know they could they live for something in them you know what I chose within   them you know I tell people when they tell me oh my I’m going to be all alone new year's yeah  

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now that doesn't have to be someone who's lost a partner right that could be someone who has   never found a partner that's true yeah and i always say to them the same thing I’ve always said

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well obviously you can’t maybe do anything about that   except you can decide how you're going to spend new year's yeah that's true yeah it's true and  

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you know what you could if you if you're already in bereavement you're already sad and you can't   get rid of those feelings this is a great time to take out the wedding album to take on all the  

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various things yeah and go through am I correct yes yes yes yes yeah i agree yeah start over in  

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a different way start over yeah healthy way yeah because you're going to have to do your   bereavement anyway and if it's already starting to seep in ah let me take it in its fullness yes this  

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is a battleground let me show you I can do this battle yes and you know something it will start  

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it's amazing once you decide not to fight it yeah and you decide to surrender and work with  

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it there's a difference between fighting it and avoiding it yeah you know eating too much doing  

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things that aren't healthy drinking too much it I want to mention those things are horrible   yeah well and they actually worsen your ability to actually get out of it it clouds your judgment now  

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you feel worse about other things yes and it and it tints those the reality of what you're facing  

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you know makes it look different so I think you know you if you it might be hard but you   are maybe you're taking out the wedding books you’re cleaning out something you're taking a  

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step forward that's right and it's a step and then okay I did this step wow I can do this  

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yeah then before you know it you have another idea and another step that's exactly right   you know before you know you're walking you know you're moving you're moving forward  

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but like you said even moving forward it’s not that the grief turns off or   it's never there it's just as you learn how to manage it right learned how to manage yeah  

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so, this has been wonderful you know yes thank you I so enjoyed it thank you thank you thank you for  

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joining us yes no thank you because you have such knowledge and experience and and you know I mean  

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this is what you do so what better for you to impart to you know this advice to us and to help  

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a lot of people going through this and that's why I thought it'd be so helpful and I know you are   wonderful and so brilliant so I said she's going to be helpful for everyone thank you so much yes  

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yes, absolutely anytime so what we want to thank Dr. Tarby teddy who's also called teddy you  

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known for joining us this morning and helping us get through this and teaching us you know what   grief is and how to deal with it particularly during the holidays hopefully this has been  

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really instructive and helpful for everybody this is the type of podcast that we'd like to bring to   you on the legal zone and we want to ask you to stay tuned if you haven't seen our prior podcast  

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please come join us on YouTube and in buzzsprout and also become a subscriber of our channel so you   can see our future podcasts and get information on them also we want to thank you for tuning in  

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again, and we want to ask everyone to follow us on the social media accounts and we look forward   to seeing you soon and happy holidays to everybody stay safe stay happy stay well thank you thank you