Episode Eighty: AITA for explaining to my obese SIL why I'm not fat?

Has your weight loss journey ever strained a friendship? This episode explores this touchy topic through the lens of two friends who began as accountability buddies, but their relationship took a bitter turn when one friend lost weight while the other didn't. We delve into the complexities of their situation, examining the passive-aggressive behavior that developed and discussing the mental health implications. This isn't a tale of who's right and who's wrong, but rather a conversation on empathy, compassion, and the importance of supporting each other's journeys.

Our discussion doesn't stop there. We also tackle the prickly issue of fat-phobia and how a simple comment can trigger deep-seated emotions and misunderstandings. We unravel a scenario where a comment from a former fat person to their obese sister-in-law causes hurt feelings and potential miscommunication. We shed light on the importance of empathy, context, and understanding when discussing sensitive topics like body image and weight loss. The aim isn't to place blame, but to foster an atmosphere of respect, acceptance, and positivity.

Lastly, we don't shy away from the challenging subject of parenting. We discuss the importance of instilling healthy habits in kids and the potential consequences of introducing dieting to a nine-year-old. We also touch on the complexities of co-parenting and the necessity of both parents being involved in setting healthier habits. This isn't about pointing fingers or inciting guilt, but about creating a safe, supportive space for honest, empowering talk. We hope to not only enlighten you but also inspire you to have these tough conversations in your own life. So, buckle up and join us for this thought-provoking episode!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:41

What you snacking on? Popcorn? Mmm, I like popcorn.

Speaker 2: 0:45

Make some microwave popcorn and grab two Reese's shapes. Listen, Reese's shapes are the superior Reese's. I don't know what they are.

Speaker 2: 0:55

And you can't convince me. Okay, hold on. Every year Reese comes out with differently shaped things, right. So at Easter they have the egg and Halloween they have the pumpkin. At Christmas they have the tree. This year they came out along with the pumpkins. They have a two pack of pumpkins. They came out Reese's shapes. It's a pack of many of the pumpkins, but many pumpkins and ghosts and bats. And the chocolate to peanut butter ratio on these Reese's so good, because I'm not a big chocolate person, I'm a big peanut butter person and it's just a thin layer of chocolate on a butt load of peanut butter. Amazing, so good, I love them. It's the same reason that I like the O'Henry eggs at Easter more than regular Henry's, because the filler, the inside, is more than the chocolate, unlike when you usually get the Reese's cup for an O'Henry where the ratio is just like 50-50. Yeah, this is more like I would say, 80-20.

Speaker 1: 2:06

I'm not really that big on peanut butter and chocolate together. If I have one Reese, I'm like all right, but if I have two, I'm like I feel sick. I'm the same way.

Speaker 2: 2:16

Love these, try them. Reese's shapes was the package, but you could also just get the pumpkins and the doobah, and they're from Costco, they're from anywhere.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Okay.

Speaker 2: 2:28

These are mine. Go away, go away. I'll share my popcorn.

Speaker 1: 2:32

I'm not sharing my Reese's.

Speaker 2: 2:35

Let's go up there. Okay, this was the last bag of popcorn. Okay, you just want the Reese's? Okay.

Speaker 1: 2:44

Moving on to the episode. So yeah, today we have some. Am I the assholes?

Speaker 2: 2:52

Well, chris says I went to get popcorn.

Speaker 1: 2:54

I'm not going to lie, I just found the titles. I have no idea what the story says, so we're going to all learn this together, nice.

Speaker 2: 3:01

I like it.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Let's do this. What are my options? Actually, I'm just going to start with the first one, because I get no options.

Speaker 2: 3:08

No, you have no options right now. Okay, will you bring on Henry's too? What are you sneaking? You're sneaking something. What are you thinking?

Speaker 1: 3:17

What did you get? This is definitely a big person's podcast.

Speaker 2: 3:24

Can y'all tell my husband's bat too?

Speaker 1: 3:29

I love it. Okay, so the first story that I have here is am I the asshole for telling my former friend to stop blaming everything on fat phobia by terrific terror? Good name.

Speaker 2: 3:44

Is my sorry. Before you keep going, you can cut this part out. Am I crunching really loudly?

Speaker 1: 3:48

No, and also I, just if I'm talking I normally mute your side, oh, like when I'm editing. Oh okay, that was like that's rude, but all right.

Speaker 2: 4:00

I gave you too much power.

Speaker 1: 4:05

In case it doesn't make sense to people, I'm signing in as Lisa. Now, okay, I used quotes in this title because I did the air quotes thing with my fingers. Okay, cause he wrote fat phobia in air quotes. I, female wow, I thought this was going to be a guy writing this, to be quite honest, but I, female 31 met my former friend, female 32, roughly two years ago over the R slash, weight loss subreddit. We were, oh sorry, it says OD and I'm like what does that mean?

Speaker 2: 4:42

But it it's supposed to be overdosed.

Speaker 1: 4:45

Oh, you know any spelling mistakes. We were of similar heights and weights and had the same end goal in mind, so decided to be each other's accountability buddies. We quickly bonded over the weight loss journey and other dimmular interests and became a word. Is that dimmular? Oh my gosh, this is going to be a long one, okay.

Speaker 2: 5:14

This is a slumber party right now.

Speaker 1: 5:17

Where's my snack? I'm going to say similar interests and become quite close. Hold on a sec, sorry. However, as my weight loss journey proved productive, I am currently down 150 pounds and have hit Michael weight. She has not as we progress. Okay, as we progressed, and she remained at her weight. Oh, she remained at her weight. Okay, I mean like, not that that's a problem. But if they're accountability buddies, do you know what I mean? Like, are you doing your side of the accountability? Like, are you helping her? That's literally what I thought.

Speaker 2: 5:56

You'll notice that you and I have called each other accountability buddies and we're still neck and neck, so like we've been doing great. Oh, you haven't pizza tonight. Okay, so am I.

Speaker 1: 6:09

That's my kind of accountability buddy. Yeah, no, I don't care if she didn't lose weight, but we're sending to go to extreme of 150. And the other person hasn't. It's like I don't think you're supporting them. Yeah, agreed. Okay, she has not. And we, and as we progressed, she has remained at her weight and at some point gained.

Speaker 1: 6:27

She grew more and more passive, aggressive. At one point I stopped sharing my progress and focused on trying to get her to not lose hope and give up. Sorry, I'm being too judgmental. That does not sound very nice, but and also okay. Sorry I should just read the story. But does it ever frustrate you to have someone that's a lot smaller than you tell you to don't give up? Like keep going.

Speaker 1: 7:02

I've done it, you can do it, yeah, yeah, just please don't do that. And here's like that's a perfect example of like not really focusing on mental health too with this, you know, like cause maybe she was in a different space than than this person is. Anyway, on with the story. We are nowhere near as close as we used to be, partially due to her being incredibly passive, aggressive, partially due to a variety of snide remarks and partially because of her lack of accountability, really irking me.

Speaker 2: 7:36

I feel like if you read those again, I feel like that was a lot of blame.

Speaker 1: 7:39

That's exactly what I was just about to say, but you said it first. It's just blaming the other person and not having any reflection. She only reaches out to complain Didn't get promoted Boss is fat phobic. Didn't get. Didn't get a second date, guy is fat phobic. Someone disagreed with her. They're fat phobic. When she went on to accuse me of being fat phobic because I lost weight and therefore hate fat people Okay, no, that's a bit too much I lost my temper and told her that the world isn't out to get her and that, while this world definitely focuses on appearances too much, she can't go throwing accusations around every time she doesn't get her way.

Speaker 2: 8:23

I'm not saying that I'm going to lose weight. I'm not saying that I'm going to lose weight. I'm not saying that I'm going to lose weight. This is somebody who wanted to lose weight and then they met another fat person and we were like, yeah, let's be accountability partners.

Speaker 2: 8:40

And then it was like this person went Person that they're talking about went into like the body positive perspective. And then this one went to like the weight loss perspective. Yeah, we saw happen on tick tock, yeah, and then we saw her like pushing her to lose weight.

Speaker 1: 8:54

You know what I mean. Yeah, maybe like do a mental health check in with her, like maybe something more is going on, like like if you and I were to like be accountability buddies combinable. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to think, because it's like we haven't like I'm just trying to think I'm like everything I was about to say. What ifs? It's like we've been through?

Speaker 1: 9:16

Like no, you know what I am. I am seeing it from that side because, like me and you both have the idea of weight loss in our head. But then we would. I feel like we've just always been very similar, like we've we've been encouraged by the body positive, and then, like, been burned by it, and you know so, like, but I don't know. It's just as I'm sitting here watching you eat popcorn. It's just so funny that we're doing this. No, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1: 9:40

No, I just love it because all I can think about is that I want popcorn.

Speaker 2: 9:45

Sorry, it helps. I really wanted that freaking hot dog that you had in the last episode.

Speaker 1: 9:49

I love it anyway, that is still today.

Speaker 2: 9:52

Just so you guys know I'm not holding a grudge here. It's just been like 20 minutes.

Speaker 1: 9:56

What I was trying to say was it's like when, when one of us is doing good, I just I don't feel that there's ever a time that one of us is like doing really good compared to the other, one of us is slumping compared to the other. I feel it you and me are normally feeling the same things like not always, but very similar and I just think that, like I was going and going and you were sitting there and just and maybe like saying the type of things that this person is, I'd be like dude, are you okay?

Speaker 2: 10:21

like which we have. Like, there have been times where you're a little losing more than me, and it's just, it is what it is. I've been losing more than you, it is what it is, but we're just, we're still part of the accountability, is still being there for that person.

Speaker 1: 10:36

Yeah, they're going through.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Yeah, like. And when Lisa and I started again this time we said to each other because we were at the similar weight when we both started last time, well, we weren't. We didn't know each other when we first started, but, like we, our weights were different, are starting weeks were different, and this time they were very similar, almost the same. And we had an agreement before going into it that we weren't going to, like, judge our own success on the other, because I was like Lisa might drop faster than me, I might, I could, and no joke, when Lisa was dropping the weight, I was starting to get mad at myself and then I went why, like, lisa is doing something you're not doing?

Speaker 1: 11:14

You're injured right now or you're not. You know what I mean. Like, so I had to take a step back because it's like that's not your fault and it's not my fault that you're losing weight faster than me. You know, yeah, it just I think that you'd have to be like best friends to be able to do something like this with each other. Like I've had people reach out to me to be accountability buddies and I'm just like, for one, I can't, because I can't.

Speaker 2: 11:38

I, I've been burned in the past, it just doesn't matter, I can barely keep up with the friends that I have now and I feel bad that I'm always like, no, like, sorry, but it's like it has Like first of all, I have 160 something thousand followers will. Now it's 150 something, and it's like I've had that message reached out to me many, many, many times and I just I can't keep up with the friends that I do have and if I started bringing in more. It's not that you're not a good person, is not that I wouldn't like being your friend, it's that I know I don't have the mental capacity to have that.

Speaker 1: 12:14

Yeah, I like I did have that Facebook group at one point, the hundred days one, and I think it'd be great to have something like a like, a discord, I don't even I don't even have it, but like, and then everyone can be accountability buddies together where there's no judgment, and I think that's such a great idea. But being one on one, it's like I've always said, especially since I'm on a graveyard shift and opposite than other people, it's like I feel bad. One time I did allow it to happen and this person we were messaging on WhatsApp and then I couldn't be there all the time and they kind of got mad at me and it's like no, that's not worth it, like I don't know, I can't, like I don't have the time, I don't have the time, whereas, like Lisa and I personally, like I found my group with Lisa and it's helpful, I don't know why I'm going on about this. It's just, the point is is you have to just find someone that's like you're, you can say anything to, you know, like, because if you can't say everything to that person and what's going on with you, then how can people be at proper accountability buddy with you If they don't know what's going on with you mentally and you're like, yeah, I'm fine, but you're not. It's like you know. You have to have that support in all aspects because it's not just a scale thing, it's a food thing, it's a going to the gym thing, it's a mental thing, it's there's so much. Probably I'm going to finish this one story. Yeah, you do that, okay.

Speaker 1: 13:35

So when she went on to accuse me of being fat phobic because I lost the weight and therefore hate fat people, I lost my temper and told her that the world isn't out to get her and that, while this world definitely focuses on appearances too much, she can't go around throwing accusations around every time she doesn't get her way. I told her that if her weight was making her miserable, she should step up and do something about it. I pointed I hate it when ex fat people say that to. I pointed out that plenty of overweight people managed to accomplish their goals without losing weight and that she needed to own up to her shortcomings, maybe even work on them. I also told her I wasn't interested in further contact if all she was going to do was be passive, aggressive and salty. She called me fat phobic again, hung up and we haven't spoken since. Do you know what's annoying? What do you think? Reddit voted this person as not the asshole.

Speaker 1: 14:34

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:37

No, I'm gonna, but it's weird that you say that, because I was going to say they're kind of both the assholes and just not right for each other. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. I feel like it's somebody who went the body positive route, because you said that they met and like a weight loss thing, right.

Speaker 1: 14:54

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 14:55

So, yeah, the one girl found body positivity within the weight loss community. The other girl found weight loss within the weight loss community. I've been there, you know. I was in the body positive community and then stepped out. I feel like it's just two people that don't mesh, you know what I mean. Would I say that person was fat phobic? No, I would say yeah, but this is that's what I was going to elaborate on. I do think that they do kind of have that mentality of if you lose weight, things would be better.

Speaker 2: 15:32

You know, what I mean, but I don't think that they're necessarily saying actually, you know what? Yeah, they were saying that, like if you're having issues and lose weight.

Speaker 1: 15:41

And you have to remember as well, is she's the one writing the story, and normally people paint themselves in a good light in a story and I don't think that she was that great in the story, like not saying that she should be like totally the asshole here, but it's like I'm sure things were said a little bit differently. However, I do also know a lot of fat people, that's that that scream fat phobia. Regarding everything like screaming that we're fat phobic because we're trying to lose weight, actually, someone down in the comments said that they were not the asshole. She tried to lose weight, so she's fat phobic. You know what I mean. So it's like you're going to get it from any side.

Speaker 1: 16:20

I personally, in my opinion, you guys are not meant to be friends. You guys don't sound like you were really friends. You were just using each other as a like let's keep losing weight thing, like that. One girl doesn't seem like she needed an accountability buddy, and maybe that's also where her mind space is. I didn't seem to need much of an accountability buddy to lose all this weight. You didn't lose any with me, so why, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 2: 16:40

The other thing too is if she thought the other thing of her pushing it to, if she thought that that girl still wanted to lose weight because they met in a way lost community. You know what I mean. I feel like there was just some miscommunications. I feel like they're just two people that were not compatible with each other. Yeah, I don't think either of them were really the asshole. To be completely honest, I think it was just two people that weren't meant to be together.

Speaker 1: 17:03

Yeah, for real. Yeah, I think that too. All right, let's go on to the next story, because that was just that was. We went on some tangents during that. I feel like people don't even know what that. We talked about a story there.

Speaker 2: 17:16

Me too. I didn't even realize we were talking about stuff.

Speaker 1: 17:21

Um, okay, so this story was actually deleted by the person who originally posted it, and then the auto moderator reposted it.

Speaker 2: 17:31

Oh God, this is juicy.

Speaker 1: 17:33

So I'm like what? Like that's so weird, um and again. I haven't read it, but it's called am I the asshole for telling my friend she's a big fat fatty?

Speaker 2: 17:47

probably If you got to say it twice the way that was written.

Speaker 1: 17:52

I was like why Am I the asshole for telling my friend she's a big, fat, fatty and needs to lose weight? Sorry, it's the fat, fatty thing, it's the way that it said Am I the asshole for calling my friend fat?

Speaker 2: 18:08

And usually there's some context that, like you know, make it so it's not as bad as it sounds, but like if you're saying fat, fatty, there's a pretty good chance that you were the asshole here. Yeah like.

Speaker 1: 18:17

I'm mostly laughing on the audacity Fat fatty and she needs to lose 30 pounds if she wants to find love. That's the whole thing, and it's by deleted.

Speaker 2: 18:29

How is this going to at all going to? It's not. They deleted it. I'm intrigued. Let's go.

Speaker 1: 18:36

So I, 25 female, told my friend Jess, 27 female, the cold, hard truth and now people are calling me a bitch and a terrible person.

Speaker 2: 18:46

Well, because of your sentence, the way you're reading that makes it sound like I am like full on Regina George.

Speaker 1: 18:53

Get in loser. Okay, so for some backstory, I have been friends with Jess for four years. We met in college and Jess had enrolled a little later due to financial issues, which is already something that our whole friend group looked down on her for what? Initially, we had adopted her into our group because we saw her sitting alone eating ungodly amounts of food. I am very why? Okay, I am. Let's just read the story. I am very fit and get attention from boys often.

Speaker 1: 19:28

This is something Jess cannot relate to and I feel it is something she resents me for. But it's not my fault that I put the, that I put in the work to look this way and she spends her days eating junk food and struggling to breathe like an asthmatic pig. Jess has always been on the bigger side, which isn't going, which isn't wrong or anything. Is it, isn't it? Oh, it seems like it is to you. Yeah, but she is deeply insecure about her weight, yet she does nothing to improve it and constantly complains how nobody wants her. So addressing the big elephant by the way, she put big in capital letters. So addressing the big elephant and then in parentheses, or in this case, the Jess. Who is this in the room. No wonder she deleted it.

Speaker 2: 20:22

Right, it was my think you're not the asshole in this right.

Speaker 1: 20:27

Like this has to be a troll. It was my birthday a couple of days ago and I had held a small gathering between close friends at my house over the weekend. Jess, of course, was one of them. Everything was going and this person does not capitalize their sentences. They don't capitalize the first word, and it's irritating.

Speaker 2: 20:47

When people do that. Oh my God. My friend in high school, when we would play Sims, she would make Sims families and not capitalize their names.

Speaker 1: 20:55

Oh my God, I hated it Side story to everyone out there. Lisa is really irritated by my name because for some odd reason my contact in the iPhone has my name in lower case, but on my side it's not written that way. I have no idea and I can't change it. Okay. Okay, held a small gathering. It just, of course, is one of them. Everything was going great until it was time to sit down and eat dinner.

Speaker 1: 21:24

I had prepared a delicious steak meal for everyone. There was no problems, until Jess, of course, started renting about how awfully cooked my steaks were and how she wasn't surprised that I couldn't keep a boyfriend with such awful cooking skills. This is not what set me off, but it did deeply offend me and contribute to my big blowup. After my big blowup Sorry, I thought that was a next. It is a next sentence After the dinner, we were all drinking and having a good time, but once again Jess starts going on about how awful that steak made her feel and that eating shit like that her words, not mine will destroy my perfect body and turn me into a big fat ogre, and then nobody will love me because all I have going for me is my looks, and I am, in fact, really boring.

Speaker 1: 22:12

I'm just going to pause here for a second. Why are you all friends? Yeah, what she says. I don't even talk about my enemies like this. This is also not what made me blow up. It was that she started. It was what she started doing after Jess had already ruined the good vibes by complaining so much about the food and insulting me on my birthday oh yeah, it was her birthday, but to add salt to the already gaping wound. She started bawling her eyes out and crying disgustingly. How does someone cry disgustingly? And then, in bracket, she writes seriously, I have never seen such an ugly fucking cry. Sorry. Like just I'm laughing at the sheer audacity of this person, my God, about how lonely she is and that fake bitches like me do not deserve love. This set me off. I instantly retaliated and gave her a piece of my mind. I stood up and said this is all in capitals. You are a fat, oh God. You are a fat, disgusting pig and that is why you don't have anyone to love. You maybe try losing 30 pounds you piggy bitch.

Speaker 1: 23:29

Oh my God, I did not regret what I said and I still don't. In fact, I stand by what I said and, given the opportunity, I'd love to put her in her place some more. However, my friends are siding with Jess and saying I went too far. But did I really? She insulted my personality and my cooking and is overall just a huge bitch, literally. So am I the asshole? I don't think you're all fucking dead to each other and you all just need to not be friends, I was just gonna say I don't think you were the asshole.

Speaker 2: 24:02

I think you are an asshole Like it's not a. In this situation was I an asshole? It's just you are one.

Speaker 1: 24:09

Yeah, that's just your personality. You're a dick, and so is the other person, though, for like. If this is a true story for like coming at you on your birthday about how bad the free food was that they were eating, yeah, I can't stand when people are like that.

Speaker 1: 24:23

When there's free food, involved, like one time one of my ex friends and she's an expert reason we all went to the movies and her cousin paid for a couple of our other friends to go to the movies and it was really. It was Terminator 3. It was a really bad movie and all that the people did and I just aged myself by saying I saw that in theater was complain.

Speaker 1: 24:45

I was like I'm just saying that was complain about the movie, like over and over and like I complained about it but I bought my own ticket but that's all that they did was just complain and complain about how horrible was, what a waste of time, and that guy's like you're welcome, you know what I mean. Like it's like time and place.

Speaker 1: 25:03

Yeah, anyway, here's another one. Sorry, I just don't know if we've read these before, but so am I the asshole for putting my nine year old on a diet and emotionally damaging her by diet. Kid, throw away.

Speaker 2: 25:24

That's quite the name with quite the title.

Speaker 1: 25:28

X, 32 female, and I, 34 male, have a nine year old daughter, m. We broke up when M was five and I moved away. I would see M in breaks and speak on the phone, so I was involved. So I was as involved as I could be. Last year I moved back. I now have her alternative weeks.

Speaker 1: 25:47

I had noticed M starting to put on weight. She's not obese, but seeing her in person I've noticed she has a belly which hangs over her waistband and she wears a 12 to 13 clothes despite being only nine. I spoke to my ex and she got defensive, saying that M eight what she eats. The X is skinny and healthy and has a sport she goes to twice a week. I asked about portion sizes and other exercise and then they wrote twice a week for 90 minutes isn't that much? That's quite a bit for a nine year old.

Speaker 1: 26:25

I was trying to stay friendly but the X shut me down. I know weight gets harder to lose the older you get, so I decided to keep a close eye and do what I could for her on her weeks with me. I don't like pausing in between stories, but the thing is, is that nine? It's like you're still going to grow into your body like I get like your stomach being over your waistband, like yeah, she is a bigger girl, but she can still grow in her body. And then my brother was bigger until he hit high school and all of a sudden he had no neck and then all of a sudden had this gross spurt. He's six feet, like over six feet, and like just became a super skinny kid.

Speaker 1: 27:02

you know, like judging someone at nine.

Speaker 2: 27:07

I know you can't like when it comes to kid and I know I've said this on podcast many times when it comes to kids, you can't put them on a diet. No, it's got to be like, yeah, teach them the healthy habits and then her body is just going to grow the way that it's supposed to go. Like you wouldn't give your child a tattoo at nine years old because you know by the time they grow up it's going to be disformed and it's going to look different and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Diet.

Speaker 2: 27:30

To the same way, don't put your kid on a diet.

Speaker 1: 27:35

So the next sentence I did not put her on a crash diet, but I did start using a portion control plate and packing lean lunches instead of letting her buy her food Carrot sticks, yogurt, flavored steamed chicken breast, etc. I'm complained at first but then seemed fine with this. I also took her to the gym with me four times a week. My gym have parent and child classes. I'm like nine, but you know what the thing is is like, as long as it's not like crazy and it's just like having fun depends on what he's doing with her, but like going to the gym with her and doing like parent child classes.

Speaker 1: 28:12

I think that's kind of neat, like at least they're doing it together and he's not like you have to go to the gym and just do all these things.

Speaker 2: 28:19

Yeah, if it's like that, as long as it's not like coaching, and it's like Well, because it does say classes.

Speaker 1: 28:22

So it's a parent and child class. So it's someone else that's monitoring it, which seems good. The only thing I said to him. So so far he sounds like toxic, but he's not like really putting it on her yet, he's just talking to the X. The only thing I said to him about is that we were working to set her up for the future, being physically fit and mindful of what she eats.

Speaker 1: 28:47

So last week a kids having a birthday party and the parents are taking a small group to the movies and after to a sleepover. The parents asked that everyone send their kid with their own snacks and then the parents would buy popcorn on top to share. I'm trying to show my kid that snacks can be healthy, so I sent her with a bag of veggie sticks and hummus. She made a little fuss about not getting candy, but seem fine. I dropped her off and X was going to pick her up the next day. My X texts I head over and the X isn't happy. M is upset and won't look at me Apparently. When they were sat at waiting for the movie, the kids started comparing snacks. M told the other kids that they were going to get fat and unhealthy because their parents gave them those snacks.

Speaker 1: 29:30

She said she had to eat the veggies so she could lose weight and she wasn't allowed any popcorn. I never said this. Then at their house they ordered pizza for the kids. M refused to eat, saying she is going to get fat. The parents called X and she came to get her. M was crying, saying that she was scared if she ate anything bad. She put on weight and everyone would hate her. I'm honestly tearing up. She told X about our diet and the gym. I hadn't, because it was my weeks, and why should I divulge all of our plans to talk about that?

Speaker 2: 30:08

That's not how co-parenting should work. It should not be. I do this, you do this. You have to work as a teen.

Speaker 1: 30:16

It's already hard on the kid. They have different routines at different homes. I get different routines at different homes, but not extremely crazy different, or else she's never going to want to go there. X ranted, saying M always came home tired and refusing to eat. She blamed me for giving M a complex when she was healthy and active. I said if she was healthy she wouldn't have a belly and be bigger than the other girls. I said that at least I cared about what the girl puts in her mouth and that M was happier before I moved back. Now X is telling me that she won't send her back to me if I don't stop emotionally damaging her. So am I the asshole?

Speaker 2: 31:00

The fact that you weren't communicating makes you the asshole, the fact that you were being really sneaky about it, the fact that you were like that should have been a conversation that both parents had and yeah, wow, that poor kid.

Speaker 1: 31:19

I have nothing to say. There's a couple of comments in here. So at Reddit voted this person the assholes. That says a lot too.

Speaker 1: 31:26

This person was like wow, there's a lot to unpack here. First let's talk about physiology. There is a lot. There's a thing a lot A lot of nine year olds have called baby fat. When, typically, puberty comes around, it melts off. It seems odd to me that even though your nine year old has a sport they go to twice a week and despite your skinny and healthy x saying your child is healthy, you then continue to zero in on your child's weight. Does your child have breathing problems? Do they have difficulty moving? So they go on all about, but they were like you're the asshole, like they're. Like baby fat does not equal unhealthy weight. Kids need to have that. You know. Like, oh man, yeah, just you're an asshole, yeah so many people.

Speaker 1: 32:11

I should pin this one because it's like so many people are like you are an asshole.

Speaker 1: 32:17

Yeah, oh, that poor kid so much fear, I know, when it comes to kids At nine years old. But think back to when you were nine, like I don't know what your parents were like, but my parents like me doing sweat into the oldies as my birthday party thing with like a Richard Simmons workout. I think I was in grade two or three and my mom made it a competition between everyone, so like it was fun, we were whatever, but it was weird. Yeah, yeah, do I do one more? Yeah, all right, let's go on a different note. Okay. So am I the asshole for telling my obese friend that I physically cannot eat as much as her? We did that one. I remember that one. Am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend it's not my fault, he's fat? I'm by the asshole for telling my friend, who is an overweight, that she could lose a few pounds. She isn't overweight. Am I the asshole for refusing to get my son a car because of his weight?

Speaker 2: 33:17

I think we read that one yeah.

Speaker 1: 33:20

Am I the asshole for telling my friend to shut up about her weight issues? Am I the asshole for telling my sister that she's definitely obese on her deathbed? Oh, am I the asshole for explaining to my obese sister in law why I'm not fat?

Speaker 2: 33:36

Either either of the last two, I think, would be interesting.

Speaker 1: 33:43

All right, let's just go with this. Okay, am I the asshole for explaining to my obese sister in law why I'm not fat? I'm guessing it's sister in law, just SIL.

Speaker 2: 33:55

Yeah, that would be, sister in law.

Speaker 1: 33:57

Quick context I used to be fat but I lost 100 pounds a few years ago. I got into fitness and generally watch what I eat, but I like to indulge every once in a while. A bit disordered in the past, but I have a handle on it now.

Speaker 2: 34:11

Okay.

Speaker 1: 34:11

So recently we had a birthday in the family so we went to a local restaurant to celebrate. Just so happens, they have a burger challenge $40 free if you finish in 60 minutes. It's about five pounds including the sides. That's not too bad.

Speaker 2: 34:26

I literally I'm real glad you said that, because I'm saying they're like only five pounds, but then at the same time I'm like, oh well, then you got a quarter pounder.

Speaker 1: 34:37

Like a double quarter pounder is like too much to handle sometimes.

Speaker 2: 34:43

I'm doing the math now. Double quarter pounder is half a pound, which means two double quarter pounders would be a pound, which means you need 10 double Besides two. I know I'm just calculating the burger. That'd be 10 quarter pound, 10 double quarter pounders. Yeah, 20 quarter pounders, that's right, right, yeah, that's a lot.

Speaker 1: 35:05

So I'm just going to put a quarter pounder is what that guy threw up out his car in that that that movie Super size me, super size me, big loving it.

Speaker 2: 35:14

Big loving it, I don't know, oh my God. Okay, so the burger challenge.

Speaker 1: 35:29

That's not super bad. What was?

Speaker 2: 35:30

the other one, mclovin McLovin, that's from super bad.

Speaker 1: 35:32

Yeah, so the burger challenge, they say, which they got and quite easily finished, to be honest, because I felt it had been, because I felt I had been quite good with my nutrition for some time and I'm not particularly looking to cut more fat right now.

Speaker 1: 35:49

I even ordered dessert after, mostly for a comedic effect, but still. The whole time I was eating I noticed my sister-in-law, who is quite obese, giving me a strange, almost disgusted look, and I enjoyed my dessert. My brother said something like I can't believe you finished all that and are still eating, with a smile and a sort of, in a sort of impressed way, to which his wife said to which his wife, the sister-in-law, added yeah, I wish I could eat like that, but my genetics won't let me. And my wife worked and said I can. I can eat like this sometimes, because 95% of the time I don't, while you still have small indulgences. Indulgences, I can't say that word. You know what I'm saying. Every day which piles up has nothing to do with genetics, it's your choices.

Speaker 1: 36:43

She got quiet and actually shed a tear at the table, which did, of course, make me feel bad, but she and my brother have now been ignoring me and my sister actually told me I shouldn't have said it and apologize. I would do so for her hurt feelings, but what I said was factually correct. So am I the asshole? There is an edit. That's small. Do you want me to read the edit?

Speaker 2: 37:06

Yes.

Speaker 1: 37:08

From what I've seen a few times, I don't make assumptions about her indulgences. I lived in the same house for years and saw how she eats, which is basically the way I ate when I was fat Meals that are too large, too frequent and too high in calories. It's always the ex-faties.

Speaker 2: 37:29

Yeah, why? And she even said that she used to eat the same way. But why?

Speaker 1: 37:36

Like you could have stopped by saying most of the time I eat within my caloric whatever and like I'm allowing myself to have this. It's not an everyday thing. You don't have to say a goddamn thing about what that other person eats, what they look like, nothing about that other person. The question was about you. The question was about your food. I mean, the question shouldn't have even been asked. But like you don't have to talk about another person.

Speaker 2: 38:05

You have to keep in mind, though, that a lot of people who and I'm not justifying it, it's still wrong, but their perspective is I have lost the weight and that makes me better than you, and if you want to be on my level, you should lose weight too, because they have the fat phobic standpoint of losing weight. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm, but it's, in quotations bad to be fat, so I need to lose weight, and if you want to be as good as me, you should lose weight too. That's why, so many times, the ex-faties are like you could be better, but you need to lose weight to be better, and they don't care about how they used to be because they don't want to be that again.

Speaker 1: 38:45

Yeah, and I know that there's stories out there that where people are like, because, like, I don't want people to think like, oh well, I'm taking the side of the fat person just because it's like that person should have made comments about that person's food and normally I would, because no one should make comments about anyone's food or anyone's body type but they did. She didn't really. That person's the main person that's writing the story, their brother said something that he was impressed by it and all that the sister-in-law said was yeah, I wish I could eat like that, but my genetics won't let me Like. That probably was a bit too far. I feel like that person could have just said I wish I could eat like that, but I just can't Like you could have just said that, but her saying even that her genetics won't let me, that shouldn't have been that big of a thing that person.

Speaker 2: 39:30

But even if that girl said like guaranteed, even if that person said I wish I could eat like that, but I can't, she would have the other girl who wrote this and would have still said what she said.

Speaker 1: 39:40

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 39:41

It would have been, you could have, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like it's one of those things where it's like it could have just been. Why do you have to reflect on what the other person said Like in the sense of oh man, I wish I could eat like that? You don't have to say like, well, if you could, if you lost weight, you could say like, yeah, this is what I did. Now I can't eat like that. Like you don't have to tell the other person what they have to do, but it's not even that.

Speaker 1: 40:03

It's like it's not that you can or can't eat that because you're skinnier, because you're not. It's like, go ahead and eat it. It's just that the other person was saying, like yeah, I can eat it, just like I just don't eat this all the time. That's all that had to be said. You don't have to say anything about what the other person eats or anything about them.

Speaker 1: 40:19

Like if someone said that to me like yeah, I can understand if I was not at my weight right now, and someone said, yeah, I wish I could eat like that because, like, it's just not my genetics, I'd be like it's not my genetics too. It's just that I have a meal plan and I've set my calories aside for this. But the thing is is we have to remember that that person the OP of this thing probably felt a little bit of a sting because that was a bit of a jab, like that they're only allowed to eat that because they're genetics. It's like no, they've worked hard to be where they are and now that person is kind of doing a little bit of skinny shaming. Do you know what I mean? So it's like I think there was shaming on both sides there and like both of it could have been discussed a bit different, but this person did go a little bit too far.

Speaker 2: 41:04

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 41:06

Yeah, I have so many other stories because I just like whip so many of them up, but I think that's like just enough. I feel like I love doing these. Am I the asshole when they're centered around like fat people? But a lot of the time they are centered around people making fat people feel like shit. I think it's the reason why I like reading things like this, and I know that some people are like like why it's so depressing or whatever it's like. It actually helps me feel less alone, like because people have said stuff to me in restaurants and I feel like why does no one else go through this? And then like to read stories of other people experiencing it, or also hearing the side of the person that thinks they've done no wrong, and then I enjoy reading the comments of them getting put in their place.

Speaker 2: 41:54

Yes, yeah, there are definitely times where people are posting where they feel like they've done no wrong and I agree I don't think they've done anything wrong. I could see how people think they're an asshole, but I don't think they're an asshole. But then there's definitely times where people are posting and it's like how do you not see yourself as the asshole here?

Speaker 1: 42:14

Oh man, I think everyone has a little bit of an asshole in them. We do.

Speaker 2: 42:22

And that's where we're gonna leave that. Thanks for that. Thanks for listening, guys. Oh, yeah, until next week. Yeah, bye, bye, yay. Did I say yay on Tuesday? No, I don't know. Oh, here's another one, yay.

Speaker 1: 42:39

Double yay Bye. How was that yay?