Ever wondered how deeply celebrities like Matthew Perry and their on-screen characters like Chandler from Friends impact our lives? We dive into this complex relationship, reminiscing about Perry's recent passing and the irreplaceable hole he left behind. As his character Chandler, he played a significant role in our lives, providing comfort during difficult times, and even influencing our perception of self-worth.
On this episode we have Sarah joining us discussing her personal journey having been filled with body image struggles and eating disorders, shaped by societal norms and family. We explore these battles, openly discussing our experiences with bulimia, the damaging effects of diet culture, and how medical conditions like Graves disease can affect our self-image. We also share our triumphs and steps towards recovery, highlighting the importance of mental health, therapy, and medication in this process.
But it's not all somber. We wrap up with Sarah sharing the joy she has discovered in outdoor activities like hiking and cycling. We recount our experience hiking the Grouse Grind, an arduous trail that tested us physically and mentally, and reward ourselves with sandwiches from Dipco in Deep Cove, Vancouver. In overcoming these challenges, there's a sense of accomplishment and joy that's unparalleled, reminding us to find balance and keep pushing forward."
Sarah on IG : @vangrath
Sarah on TT: @mcvangrath
Do you have a story you would like to share? Send it to us at theweightingroompc@gmail.com
Disclaimer: We are not Medical professionals and all views and opinions are our own.
Ever wondered how deeply celebrities like Matthew Perry and their on-screen characters like Chandler from Friends impact our lives? We dive into this complex relationship, reminiscing about Perry's recent passing and the irreplaceable hole he left behind. As his character Chandler, he played a significant role in our lives, providing comfort during difficult times, and even influencing our perception of self-worth.
On this episode we have Sarah joining us discussing her personal journey having been filled with body image struggles and eating disorders, shaped by societal norms and family. We explore these battles, openly discussing our experiences with bulimia, the damaging effects of diet culture, and how medical conditions like Graves disease can affect our self-image. We also share our triumphs and steps towards recovery, highlighting the importance of mental health, therapy, and medication in this process.
But it's not all somber. We wrap up with Sarah sharing the joy she has discovered in outdoor activities like hiking and cycling. We recount our experience hiking the Grouse Grind, an arduous trail that tested us physically and mentally, and reward ourselves with sandwiches from Dipco in Deep Cove, Vancouver. In overcoming these challenges, there's a sense of accomplishment and joy that's unparalleled, reminding us to find balance and keep pushing forward."
Sarah on IG : @vangrath
Sarah on TT: @mcvangrath
Do you have a story you would like to share? Send it to us at theweightingroompc@gmail.com
Disclaimer: We are not Medical professionals and all views and opinions are our own.
How's life?
Speaker 2:I'm so tired, my like, I feel like I can see it in my face, like how exhausted I am.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I'm just yeah.
Speaker 2:How about you?
Speaker 1:I'm okay, but on that note, just to let all you know, there's no episode on Thursday. Yeah, I'm just so busy, we only have the spoons for this and honestly, sarah will tell you well, maybe, maybe she'll keep it to herself, but when she comes up I'll tell you we have canceled on Sarah like 50 times. Yeah, a lot. It's just been nuts and she's been such a good sport and we appreciate her, so this is going to be good.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was. I was thinking about doing this when Sarah came on, but I just thought I'd do this with you since, like I think everyone other knows, it's such a big thing for us.
Speaker 2:Chandler died oh my God, I was going to talk about this with Sarah, because I'm I'm so upset about this.
Speaker 1:I've been crying all morning.
Speaker 2:So upset about this because my thing is like there are just certain actors and actresses that play a part in your life, like I have watched friends a million, billion times, you know what I mean Like it was just and Chandler was that character that was like my number one favorite character. You know what I mean. He had great character development. You saw him grow, he was funny, like, and the more you grow up you realize what he was going through behind the scenes and you start seeing that through the seasons of friends as well. But it was just like when I found out I was so, I was so upset. I'm like I feel like I'm in denial.
Speaker 1:I was trying to nap and my brother texted me and he's like, Matthew Perry died and it took me. It didn't take me any seconds. Every time I was like I was like, I was so sad. I was like I'm so sorry, I was so upset, I was so sad, I was so shocked. I was like I'm so sorry. I was like I'm so sad. I was like I'm so sorry. I was so upset, I was so sad for like.
Speaker 1:I was so upset, so upset, so upset with everything that is going on in the world Like it. It was hard for me to even post about it because it's like there's so much like suffering in the world right now and it's just.
Speaker 2:I know a lot of people out there will be like they're just an actor who cares, I know.
Speaker 1:But like, how many times have I even said to you like how I get in like in uncomfortable situations. I joke and I'm like I it's my Chandler personality. Yeah, like, perhaps I do like uncomfortable situations.
Speaker 2:Yeah, friends help me through some really tough times, like when I got in a really deep depression. That was my turn to. I would sit, cuddle, snuggle, blankets, pillows, whatever and watch friends Like I grew up with that show.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a lot of great memories I have are surrounded by friends, like one of my old roommates from back in 2004. Like we would just sit there and we had no cable and we would watch season one to ten of friends because we have them all. I had all the DVDs like over and over and over again and it's like I haven't all memorized, but the extended cut version I have memorized.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, me too.
Speaker 1:It's. There's another reason, like when I say that I was crying all morning, it's because my whole as long as friends was on ever since it started. There's two people that Chandler remind me of, my cousin Tyler and my brother Mark, and it's the goofy personality, the way that he jokes, like all of it. And then when Chandler started going through his addictions, my brother was going through addictions too and it's like I just mirrored it and, honestly, there were so many times that I was like you know what? Like wow, he overcame this, like, and because I see my brother in him, I was like he overcame this. I'm like this is so possible for Mark to do it too.
Speaker 1:And then my brother did like it's been nine and a half years, but like he passed away nine and a half years ago and it's just, it's just so hard. It's just really freaking hard to. Yeah, I get it. It's just someone I don't even know, but they had such a big impact on our lives, like it's. I guess mostly people that just fell in love with the show friends really get it, and I think that most people that listen to us get how much we love friends.
Speaker 2:So and like, like I know you have other groups that are like friends to such a bad show. It's toxic, it's got this, it's got this and like it was just from a different time. You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:And yeah like I can still look at it now and be like, well, that's a bit problematic. You know what I mean. At the time I didn't like. My eyes are more open now, but that doesn't take away from like the nostalgia. For example, I am not a Harry Potter supporter anymore, which is so weird to say because, like Harry Potter was my life.
Speaker 2:And it's the thing that Rams and I like Rams.
Speaker 1:That was our one common thing. You have to understand Rams and I are so different, but it was the one common thing we had. And now, like the thought of Harry Potter, like it disgusts me and like I hate it so freaking much. One thing that we actually just talking about Harry Potter, one thing that we've held on to is the movies, because in my mind I'm like she didn't have the creative on that thing, but maybe she did.
Speaker 1:I don't know, but it's like I'm holding on to the movies because I still love to watch it around Christmas time.
Speaker 2:We just watched my thing it's like if you already own the books and you already own the movies, yeah, oh yeah, don't support anymore.
Speaker 1:It's like you already have that.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 1:I had a whole section where it was just Harry Potter stuff and I've taken it down and put it in a trunk because it's like I don't need. Just looking at it doesn't bring me happiness anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I don't know how I just transitioned from friends to Harry Potter, but oh, because I was talking about how people think Harry or Harry yeah. People think that yeah, friends is there's so many problematic now, but it's like it was problematic at the time. Our eyes just were not open yet, you know we just we learn.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. The problem is if you learn and then they go like you know what I mean, Like if a new show were to come out and they made those same jokes, it's like mm-hmm, I can't watch that because that is a problem. You know what I mean. But a show that's already been done, you can't think, change the past.
Speaker 1:Someone made a tick talk of a clip where he said Chandler in the show says I'm going to be the first to die and I like the tears. I was like, wow, that's fucked.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I saw one where it was like we're all here and then Rachel going on, chandler's not here, when Chandler was living in Vermont, and then it's just the couch with all them there, and I was like I just got the chills no no, no, I was like oh yeah, there was another one.
Speaker 1:Oh, someone, you know the reunion when, when Chandler said I don't talk to anyone, Like no one calls me, they took the laugh track out and it was just. It got really serious and it's like it already was a moment where everyone was like, oh, even though the laugh track was added and it was like humorous. But it's different when you take that out.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, a lot of things do a lot like. There's so many shows like that where it's like if there wasn't a laugh track there, nobody would be laughing at that. Did you watch the reunion show?
Speaker 1:I did. Yeah, I'm probably going to watch it again now.
Speaker 2:I so while I was watching the reunion show, you could just tell that Matthew Perry went through so much While recording those, like it was every time people were talking to him about stuff. He's like I don't remember this, I don't remember this, like I feel like I haven't read his memoir, like the, his book that came out last year. So and that's those sales are going to spike.
Speaker 1:I bought it when it came out but like, honestly, reading just has not been a priority for me, that it's still sitting on my shelf and I haven't read it. But now I'm just like but.
Speaker 2:I feel like. I'm not going to be able to get through it without I know, so I haven't read it yet, but the vibe that I was just getting from the show was just like he was so disconnected from the actual show friends because of what he was going through at the time of recording friends you know what I mean Like he doesn't have that connection to friends as Matt LeBlanc, for example. He, like you, could tell he was like this was my life. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, On that note. Sarah is here now.
Speaker 2:So let's let her in.
Speaker 1:Hi, it's only like a year later, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:I know I'm so sorry. This year has just been. It has not been the year that I thought it was going to be. I'll say that much.
Speaker 3:All good. Y'all have been having a lot of things.
Speaker 1:All the things. I think that room that Lisa's in right now used to be full of stuff.
Speaker 3:I like you guys, are you're because you're showing and then you're moving? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we are working on. It's a work in progress, but we're hoping to be hoping to be moving at some point, but we'll see how it goes. It doesn't work according to plan that we're going to stay here for another year or so, but we'll see how it goes Nice.
Speaker 3:You oh okay.
Speaker 2:No I mean I just like I was just thinking, I remembered in while we were talking about how Matthew Perry just died.
Speaker 3:I know and I learned on tick talk of all places Of course I feel like that's where most people get their news now, yeah, and then I screen, like my friends aren't on tick talk, so I like screenshot the tick talk to like text it to some of my friends with, like my best friends, on Friday night because I was at their house and their son pulled off this magnet that in my like work, like work state. I was like, oh, and they're like, and they're like anti-Sara, what does this say? And it was pivot, pivot, pivot. But I looked at it because it's like written in script and I went Pino, pino, pino, like noir.
Speaker 3:They were like oh my God, oh man. I was like shows were in my head. It's at, but yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, what is gonna probably sell out a lot now is the friends experience in Toronto. I bet you they're gonna have a little section for him.
Speaker 3:Yeah, oh, you have the friends like picture frame behind you, chris.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's actually hold on. And inside of it it's a photo of Rams and I in front of the Central Park. That was at the Friends experience. Amazing, we had Phoebe's guitar and we I think I even posted a video where Rams and I were doing the ready set. Go in the chairs of. Joey and Chandler.
Speaker 2:That was. Another picture that I saw was Joey looking over at the chair with it empty and I was like oh my gosh. Some of the things that people have been posting like snippets of the show referencing when Chandler's not there, and I'm just like I cannot handle it.
Speaker 3:Well, I saw a video when it's like when Chandler's moving out to live with Monica and Joey like hugs him and he's like one more hug and I'm like, oh yes, yeah, I feel like this. My friend was saying yesterday when we were texting about it it's like this one hits hard because it's such like a part of our experience growing up. Yeah, that's exactly what we said. Yeah, and it's like it's not someone old.
Speaker 1:And he's like, yeah, he's 15 years older than me. And I'm like, oh my God, yeah 16 older than me.
Speaker 3:So it's like, yeah, where it's, it's what. And his. And then my friend sent me a screenshot of his Instagram because his last Instagram post was him in that hot car.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes, right.
Speaker 1:All of his posts, though, seem really like interesting, like he keeps talking about Matt man and I'm like, yeah, I'm very like.
Speaker 2:I don't know if this is just the true crime in me or what, but, like, every article that's been posted has been said allegedly, found, allegedly drowned yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, did you hear? Like, with the like, he's at home, gets home from whatever the hell. What is it? Pickleball, pickleball, yeah, pickleball. What the hell is pickleball.
Speaker 3:Pickleball is a craze.
Speaker 1:I have not played it, but many people Is it?
Speaker 3:like it's tennis, but the ball is like a wiffleball. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Is it?
Speaker 3:like racketball. It's basically like a combination of ping pong and tennis and badminton.
Speaker 1:That's a great example. Cause it's cause it's on a tennis court. I'm not into Google pickleball.
Speaker 3:But you play it with like basically a ping pong racket but bigger, and then the ball is like a wiffleball and it has the same rules as badminton. Huh yeah, I was being played when I was in Victoria and they had like a whole on like pickleball court and I was just watching for with my dad. For a few minutes my mom's like let's go, this is boring.
Speaker 2:I'm 99% sure they want to play it on a episode of Bluey.
Speaker 1:But it is kind of weird that it's like he sends his assistant on errands and comes back two hours later, and that's yeah, you know, he could have had a heart attack because of everything that he's put his body through over the years, like there is a lot of possibilities.
Speaker 3:It makes sense that if you like go exercise and you've had like all of this stuff in your body and then, like you, go in a hot tub, which is not always the best for people with cardiac issues anyways.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Maybe he passed out and just went. You know, you never know.
Speaker 3:And like, that hot tub is not a hot tub, it's a pool.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's bigger than my apartment. I'm like, yeah, crazy, I know.
Speaker 2:I'm like picturing it the other or when it first came out and I'm like hot tub. And then I saw on his Instagram. I'm like that is not a hot tub.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's.
Speaker 3:That is an infinity pool, that is warm. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:Heat controlled pool yeah.
Speaker 1:I haven't seen anything of like any of the castmates like posting, but I saw Jen.
Speaker 2:Me neither.
Speaker 1:No, but I wouldn't expect that Like they're in shock probably.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but.
Speaker 1:Janice did. I don't know her real name, but she posted a photo of them and I'm just like that's just so sad, Like oh god, you know, I can't keep talking about her when I get sad, I know.
Speaker 3:I know, and then Friends was trending, of course.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:On Crave and I was like the last night. I was like what should?
Speaker 2:we watch. I can't. I'm like not Friends.
Speaker 3:I can't watch?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, that's what I said too. I can't. Brandon even said last night he was like are you going to watch Friends now? I'm like, no, I cannot right now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really want to, but you know what? I'm rewatching Gossip Girl.
Speaker 3:Yes, oh the best, oh my god, ex-so-so.
Speaker 2:Gossip Girl. I've never seen Gossip Girl. The jaws hit the floor.
Speaker 1:You need to. But also, like last year, I wanted to post something where it was all the problematic moments in Gossip Girl and like one of them is him on the phone being like oh, soon I'll be working for Harvey Weinstein or something. I'm like, oh, that hit wrong. And then there was another one of him Like I think it was like either endorsing Trump or he was talking to like Trump's daughter, I'm like oh so bad luck. But I mean based in rich New York.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it's like, of course.
Speaker 1:And it was like before, before the nightmare started, so it's like oh it's things that don't age well. No, which is anything before five years ago, Literally.
Speaker 3:I have pictures of me like on the steps in front of, like the library at New York or whatever, or the Met Museum of Art, like like the Gossip Girl like photos or whatever, and it's it's cringey to look at them now, cause it's like I'm like saying they're with a scraping, like okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put a headband on the headband.
Speaker 1:I love that though, but you know, when I was in New.
Speaker 1:York. My thing was that I wanted, I needed to run around everywhere. I only had four days and I was like I didn't want to go to where John Lennon was shot. And my friend didn't understand and I'm like, it's not like I want to be like, ooh, I just want to see it, you know. And then she's like, do you want a photo in front of it? I'm like, um sure. And then I was like, and then I stood there and I'm like do I smile yeah.
Speaker 1:And so the photo was literally me, like I got just to know what to do, Like it was so. Anyway, it's really weird, but it was a great experience. I mean, it is a site of New York, so yeah, across the street from it there was a place called Strawberry Fields and it was a cool like that's just imagine. So that was more of a photo opportunity.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, um, I'm actually you know what. I'm not watching it, but I got my grandmother to watch for the first time and I've watched it through twice. Um is Gilmore Girls. I don't know what it is, honestly, the. So Gilmore Girls is such a fall vibe, so I like it. Like in the fall it's fine, but like the two main girls make me so mad.
Speaker 1:They are hypocritical and I just I hate I honestly, I try to start watching it.
Speaker 3:And it was like I feel like you had to have watched it when it came out.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Because watching it now it's like so cringy and it's it's like a toxic relationship between a mother and daughter 100% is A parentified child.
Speaker 2:It's so bad Like I like I watch this show and it's like there's just this one part where I mean, if you guys are never going to watch it, I'll just explain this scenario. Okay, so there's this. Well, chris didn't say yes, but I'm assuming.
Speaker 1:I'll watch it eventually but honestly, I've watched. I've watched parts through the show like where I get the gist and I know who she's dated and yeah, but right. So if you're talking about the new one, no, no, no, not the new one.
Speaker 2:So you have her chef person, sookie. She's going through a whole bunch of stuff, right, and she ends like she's pregnant and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So she's going through a whole bunch of stuff and she forgets to be at their end to sign for a new kitchen sink. And then Lorelai, which is the mom, loses it on her because you were supposed to be here with me and you're my business partner and you're not there for me and blah, blah, blah and she's like mad, mad, mad at her right. Then fast forward another season and Lorelai was supposed to be there for like a super important meeting and she wasn't there because a guy broke up with her the night before. And I'm just like you lost it on her when she wasn't there for you and she was pregnant and blah, blah, blah and you're going to not show up because a guy breaks up with you for this super important meeting. Like she's just so hypocritical.
Speaker 2:And then anytime, like Rory does something that's wrong, she's like I'm so disappointed in you Meanwhile. It's like, yeah, well, you ran away with her from your wedding. Like it's just the whole bit, like she's a very toxic person and blames everybody else around her for all these problems and blah, blah, blah. So Rory, in return, thinks that the world needs to give her everything, because that's just how she was raised. And it's just a very toxic show and the only reason I like it is because of the characters around them and that's it. But the two main girls it's like get over yourselves.
Speaker 1:I am so surprised I never got into Gilmore Girls because, like one of my favorite movies is like practical magic and it gives off those kind of vibes because of like the scenery and stuff obviously not the same plot, but I do plan on watching it. It's just I always wonder, like there's so many shows that people are like, oh my God, did you get into that? Like even vampire diaries. I feel like there's a lot of vampire diaries.
Speaker 2:I love it because I've seen it all now.
Speaker 1:But like and oh my God, what's that guy's name? Damien or whatever?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, damien Salvatore.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, ian Salmarhalder, or however you pronounce his last name. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm like, okay. So it's like now that I have all these freaking streaming services, I'm just going to catch up. But then I keep going back and watching Gossip Girl again. I know, I know I'm so bad for that I'm like I'll add it to my list and my list never come of it, though, is attention, because I know that I'm going to end up in my phone and I don't want to watch something I haven't seen, and then I'm like, oh, I have to rewatch this again.
Speaker 3:I miss 10 minutes because I was scrolling on TikTok.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it just happens, unconsciously, I've been watching something with Rams and then all of a sudden I'm watching TikToks and I'm like how did this?
Speaker 2:happen. Why am I on TikTok? Honestly? That's why I started putting books on my phone, like using Kindle, because then when I catch myself browsing social media, I'm like, okay, I just want to scroll, so I'll flip to a book and start reading a book. So it's just not mindless. Video after video.
Speaker 1:I'm going to start doing audio books because I also really want to hear the Britney Spears' book.
Speaker 3:Oh, I know, and it's right by Michelle Williams. Oh, is it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's awesome. Like I was just saying to Lisa before you got on that, I have the. I have Matthew Perry's book that I bought when it first came out, but I still haven't read it because I think my brain, like these short videos, my attention span can't. It can't, it just doesn't work anymore. Yeah.
Speaker 3:I feel like that all the time because I'm so burnt out from work and like whatever. And so I feel like it's easier to watch two hours of short form videos than it is to watch a two hour movie. Same with like. If you look at a movie, you're like, oh, two hours, that's long, but then you watch four hours of TV.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What's your show? After show Ram's and I did that there was a new movie we wanted to watch and I was like, oh, but it's two hours, like if it's at an hour and 50 minutes I'd be like cool, but it says two hours. But then we go and watch a Harry Potter movie that's over two hours and it's not a problem. But we're like, but we've seen it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's something about like oh wait, I need to pay attention to this thing. Yes, this length of time, whereas, like there's, if I'm like, oh, I'm going to watch like Grey's Anatomy for the like millionth time or whatever, like it doesn't matter, it needs to be like a play, where there's an intermission.
Speaker 1:Now you have your stand up, break Like it should. You should just do that to tell you it's intermission time. Get up and stretch your legs.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you'll get some water.
Speaker 2:You can pause, though this isn't the 90s, when you couldn't pause the TV and had to like run for a commercial to pee.
Speaker 1:I'm saying it has to tell me, or else, like, I won't do it, like it should just be programmed in there at like this is the time when an intermission would work, because we're going to transition into it.
Speaker 2:Do you know how many people would be pissed off at that's in movies?
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, you should be able to, like you should select it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yes, so did you guys watch Oppenheimer when it was in the theater?
Speaker 2:No, I was on the.
Speaker 3:Barbie side. Oh, so I watched both because I was like I need to do the barbenheimer experience, so I watched Oppenheimer in 70 millimeter IMAX, like it is supposed to be seen, or whatever.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I lived downtown in Vancouver and my friend and I like trekked out to Colossus Langley to watch it in 70 millimeter IMAX and before we went, like I knew it was a three hour movie and in IMAX, like you can't leave because of this heat or like there's like I always sit on an aisle because I have to pee, always Right, but there's no aisle.
Speaker 3:So I literally Googled and like where do you pee when you watch Oppenheimer, so that I would know? Like. And then it was like after the party scene, but before they get on, like when they get on horseback, you have about 10 minutes that you can pee and it's fine.
Speaker 2:Right, you know what. That was actually one of the number one searched when that Avengers movie came out the last big one that came out. Everybody was Googling when is the best time to pee, because again it was like a four hour long movie.
Speaker 1:I will not pee in a movie I will hurt.
Speaker 3:I will be in neither I didn't pee in Oppenheimer, but I was worried. I was like this, this might be the time where I actually like have to go. But I was like sitting there and the time that it told me to pee was like one hour in and I was like that is like yeah, I can, I, I don't have to pee yet. Like it's fine.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then by the time it ended, I was okay, I can do this.
Speaker 1:Do you want to like start with the like getting now like into it? Sure, you know what I mean Like into the potatoes yeah, I really want to mean potatoes. Oh, I got a Costco taco kit, though.
Speaker 3:The Costco tacos are so good oh my God, they're so good. I always reheat the chicken in the frying pan with like I put a time in a water, so makes it like almost like saucy. Yeah, they have such a good idea.
Speaker 1:They have a new Thai chicken curry kit right now, and the one thing they don't ever have anymore I only got it once was their cheese lasagna with four chicken parmesan's on top, and it was like the greatest thing ever and I've never seen it again.
Speaker 3:I've never seen that. That sounds incredible. I know Chris told me about it.
Speaker 1:I feel like maybe I made it up, like maybe it was in a dream and like no one knows what I'm talking about. My dreams have become reality, all right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that was a good entry right there Tacos and meat and potatoes and food. But we will quickly say, if you have listened to the Ozympic episode, we have Brett Sarah back. Sarah was on the Ozympic episode. There was some stuff that Sarah got into on the Ozympic episode. That was more about her life stuff and I messaged her and I'm like can we get you to come back and talk about that so that I can structure the Ozympic episode to be like just about Ozympic? I'll be honest, it's been so long now that I don't remember specifically what we were talking about that. So we're probably just going to talk about you and your life in general, if that's for me that sounds good.
Speaker 3:I also don't remember what I said when I listened to the Ozympic episode. I literally was like is that my point?
Speaker 1:I do that every day.
Speaker 3:And then I made my friends listen to it and they're like it sounds like you because of the way that you're speaking, but not your actual speaking voice.
Speaker 2:And I was like okay, and there were so many people there too, right, I wonder?
Speaker 3:did you guys have to put a filter or something or kind of modulate my voice or something? Oh nice, Because I was like so many different recording devices that people were using. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then it was. We lucked out with that that it was just everything recorded. Well, and we record, though it records everybody separately.
Speaker 1:So that helps, I do remember in the Ozympic episode you were talking a bit about like from a mid-sized perspective and like. I don't think in the last three years we've had a mid-sized perspective. We've talked about it before where it's like the challenges, that, but like yeah, I think that would be a really great thing to talk about. And like navigating the world yeah.
Speaker 3:And that's like my. I feel like I have spanned many different sizes in my life. I have been like I in high school and stuff. I was like overweight, but not like I'm like mid-sized overweight, not like super plus size.
Speaker 3:And then I gained weight in the university, of course, like like the freshman 15, I remember eating pizza pops like every day and then I fell victim to the early 2000s weight watchers way of losing weight, which I can still, to this day, tell you the number of calories and the number of points in many items at Earl's restaurants, which I try not to think about when I look at if I'm if I'm just enjoying food. But yeah, so I actually met up with a friend of mine within the last year who I hadn't seen in a while, and the she introduced me to Weight Watchers back in the like 2007, I think it was.
Speaker 3:Right and we both lost like a ton of weight on Weight Watchers and that was probably like some of the smallest that I've been. And then I always like to say Weight Watchers taught me the behaviors to become disordered in my eating, taught me new ways to explore disordered eating than I had in the past. And then from Weight Watchers, like what happened then, I was quite small, like for quite a while, but had bodysmorphia and thought that I was large which looking back, I look at those photos. I'm like mama no you're not large Like.
Speaker 3:what are you talking about, like? I like comparison is the killer of joy. My therapist says and I say, and I, I wouldn't kill to look like that because I did not look like that in a healthy way, but like I wish that my past self could see like in the mirror with the eyes that I have now.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, like I've seen photos of myself, I totally get that where I'm like what. But do you mind me asking you don't have to answer what was like the highest, like pant size you've gone to and I have a reason why I'm asking that Highest pant size I've been to was a 16. Did you? Since we're around the same age, did you ever have issues finding clothes that fit you Like?
Speaker 3:yeah, I never wore jeans.
Speaker 1:Yeah, leggings are my best friend, like when, when, cause, when I was shopping around, it's like there was no addition. I'll even it was Hennington's, but Hennington's was targeted towards, like the old lady look.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I remember just sorry.
Speaker 1:And I just remember finding like a jeans, this little, a jeans skirt. So I was like that was a year like 2000. They're back, I think, but oh, yeah, they are. And I was like, oh sweet, a jeans skirt in here, that's awesome. But then I bought a sweater and I remember my brother being like grandma much like what's going on with you.
Speaker 2:I know Well and it's funny you say that because I was actually gonna make a TikTok about this the other day how it's like early 2000 trends and it shows like the layers of the tank tops and like the little like jacket thing. And I'm sitting here like I saw all that through high school. I did not wear that in high school because I was, I had to buy from Hennington's and I had to buy from Walmart and you had my friends who were like let's go to garage and I'm like I don't fit in garage. Like you know what I mean. Like so everybody's showing these trends of this is what I wore in the early 2000s and I'm like I did not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like everyone at my school wore what was it? Bb shirts.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:And I remember standing on the corner of Robson and Barard at that store and being like. I could never shop here.
Speaker 2:Those were like the scrunchie shirts.
Speaker 1:No, it just said be it said like bejeweled BB.
Speaker 3:Oh right.
Speaker 1:Or remember, even like Juicy Couture, like for one, I wouldn't wear it because my ass ain't juicy. Two, I know like I'm not even like Lisa, with the whole acceptance me wearing like different things. Now I still can't bring myself to wear anything crop, Even if I'm wearing a tank top under and I'm like I can't wear anything crop. I'm not sure that was very Paris Hilton, but if you didn't look like Paris Hilton wearing that tracksuit, don't like.
Speaker 2:That's what it felt like. Yeah exactly.
Speaker 3:I attempted to wear those tracksuits because they did come in extra large if you bought them from Suzy Shear, and so I would like cram my body into an extra large velour tracksuit, because it was buy one, get one free for the top of the pants. And so I recently went to a wedding, like two weeks ago, and it was my friend who I've known since first year university so 20 years and he said to me he's like, remember when you used to wear velour tracksuits on the bus to school every day? How could I forget? And he's like, and now kids today are doing the same thing. I'm like, I know it's like my nightmare paraded in front of me every day.
Speaker 1:Do you guys follow Teresa Vendem? Like this hairstylist? She wears that, those like Celtic kind of plastic chokers. But, she's been wearing hers since high school, but when I saw them, even in, like Claire's, like, I saw it through the window, I'm like. No, I'm like it is not 1998 again.
Speaker 3:I'm like learn from our mistakes. Yeah, stop it. I'm like you know what?
Speaker 1:Let them look bad.
Speaker 2:Let them look bad Because I have pictures of when I was trying to do makeup when I was 13. And I looked like how you're supposed to look like when you're trying to wear makeup when you're 13. And now 13 year olds put on makeup and they're like I'm 20 and they look 20. So it's like let them wear the bad fashion choices, because that's all we have, that's all that's left for them.
Speaker 1:It's really hard to like, get like, because in the 90s we're bringing back the 70s and it's just really hard to accept that that's what's happening now to us. Because it's like I don't feel that old and maybe it's because I surround myself with people that are like 10 years younger than me.
Speaker 2:You're welcome.
Speaker 1:I just I'm like where what High school was last year?
Speaker 3:I literally, when I realized that I had been friends with my friend for 20 years from university, I was like oh yeah, Brandon and I will have been together for 10 years in December.
Speaker 2:Like it's insane.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, I feel like I shouldn't be with someone like that it just reminded me of my anniversary's in two days.
Speaker 1:I did. I did actually turn to him a couple of days ago when I remembered again and I said, like our anniversary's coming up. Did you get me anything? He's like no. Like you didn't want to answer that. I'm like did you get me anything? He's like no. I'm like, did you get me a card? He's like no. I'm like great. Can we cancel it? Because I didn't and I don't want to, but so I like that. We're both like that. I think we've canceled the last couple of Valentine's days too. We're like who cares? Just love me every day.
Speaker 3:My parents have been together for 48 years and they forget their anniversary every year.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 3:Two days later they're like oh yeah, it was our wedding anniversary two days ago.
Speaker 2:We are so bad for our wedding because we decided to have our stag and doe the year before our wedding and it was on the same weekend and the stag and doe was on the 23rd and our wedding was on the 22nd. So every year, like, we're like when's our anniversary and we have to think about it and we're like which one was the stag and doe and which one was the wedding, like every year, we end up doing that.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you were like. Like. Do you remember what size you were? Were you still mid-sized when you graduated?
Speaker 3:From high school. Yes, but what hilariously, I don't remember because my mom made a lot of my clothes. Oh yeah, and so I remember being upset because I really wanted to buy the throwback here, the Mabie Serena Jean, which was like it was low rise and it had a waistband that came across almost like a felt crow.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God yeah.
Speaker 2:And it had like a one inch zipper.
Speaker 3:And then I remember, I vividly remember going into the Mabie store and being like, okay, this is my time to shine, I'm gonna. I got extra allowance money, or I think I oh, and I was tutoring, so I got money from tutoring. And so I walk into the Mabie store and the largest size would not go up my body.
Speaker 3:And then I was like I remember being just extremely disappointed and also throwing back to early childhood trauma. When I was eight years old I remember vividly being in the car with my parents and saying I want to get jeans because a friend of mine had bought jeans. And my dad turned around and went you're too fat for jeans. And like to this day I don't really wear jeans because, like deep seated trauma I'm like oh, I'm too fat for jeans is like in my head always oh my God.
Speaker 3:So, it's like it started early and it's interesting to like talk about. Like I worked through a lot of the stuff in therapy. But it's interesting because I have family members who are morbidly obese. Like I've had one cousin who has had bariatric surgery and she's lost I think she said 300 pounds when I saw her last, which is incredible and it's like, of course, over a year's long period and she's doing super well but she is suffering from some of the after effects of having bariatric surgery, like vitamin absorption is hard for her and so she's like and yeah, just getting enough protein and all of the kind of things that happen after bariatric surgery, but it's just, and like she still hasn't had skin removal surgery yet too.
Speaker 3:So, anyways, it's been really interesting talking to her about that. But so there are three sisters, and all of them were like obese, and then at various times one was larger than the other two, and so they were always kind of competing and like talking about like well, I'm the skinny one right now, and so they had super toxic behavior and even now they're super toxic to each other, which everybody has a dramatic family.
Speaker 3:But I remember being like young and my parents sang to me like well, don't end up like them All the time. Like if I would want to have like seconds of food or whatever, I would be like well, make sure, like you know, you don't want to end up like them. Like, and I'm just so. It's like that was hammered into me, like as a young person. That like I totally get what you're saying Like I had.
Speaker 1:I have one person in my family extended family that was plus size and all the time I remember would say that you don't want to end up like so-and-so. You don't want to end up like so-and-so and it's like maybe I do because you know what she's the nicest one out of all you assholes Like she actually gives a shit about me, she actually cares about my feelings and she is sensitive and she is amazing and I love that. If you're listening, she's not listening, but I love you and you know it's like it's so toxic.
Speaker 1:Like. I've had family members going. You know that is how fattening a Caesar salad is. You should just get a burger. It's like what. This is all I want. Don't say that to me at 13 or whatever it was.
Speaker 3:Well, we'll get to like we'll get to a Caesar salad like in a bit because it's part of a journey, but like, yeah, caesar salad is a triggering, is a trigger food and sometimes you just want to have a Caesar salad yeah it tastes delicious.
Speaker 3:It tastes great and you know what. It's fine, but food is food, but it's just been. It's been interesting, like working through it in therapy and realizing that so much of how I view the world is shaped from what I was told when I was young and I've had to this day my parents don't know that I was bulimic, like because like that is a sign of weakness. Like my mom was a nurse before she retired and so anytime I would try and like bring up eating disorder, she'd be like well, you don't want to be like anorexic, like those people that I have to see in the hospital and I have to give them my VVs and vitamins and whatever, and like you would never be that stupid and it's like. It's like mental illness is not based on smartness.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It just like it's based on a variety of factors and none of it has to do with how smart you are. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I never. I never spoke to my family about, like, what I was going through when it came to like eating and whatnot, through high school or as a kid Because, like, again, it was the same Like I grew up being told I was fat, whether it was from family or friends or whatever friends and quotations for people who can't see and I don't think anyone in my family really knew the extent of what I was going through until, like, honestly, like, my dad started listening to the podcast and I think he's really the only one in the family who does listen to the podcast.
Speaker 2:To be honest, like I have a couple of friends who listen, but, like when it comes to family, like dad listens, like every week kind of thing, and I can tell, with how he talks about things, that like he's actually listened to what we're saying and like has had conversations with me, like about, like with Harper or whatnot, right, like we have right now we're eating a lot of takeout because of the moving situation that we have going on, right.
Speaker 2:So, and him and I had a conversation before where he's like I just don't want, I don't want our habits that we put onto you get transferred to Harper, because you've talked about it on the podcast and I know how you feel about that and that's why I'm talking about that kind of thing, right.
Speaker 2:So it's like he he has listened to what we've said and he's like he like it's like an apology without apologizing you know what I mean Like he's acknowledged that he's he's hearing what I'm saying with that and like I'm pretty, like I'm pretty lucky with that, right, because there's a lot of parents who would listen to something like that and feel like it's an attack on them. You know what I mean. But at the same time, it's like they were raised in a different society as well, where it was like being fat is bad, eating this food is bad, there's good foods, there's bad foods. There was no body positivity, there was no social media, there was no other influences in life. It was just the world telling you being fat is bad, and that was it, and that's all they had.
Speaker 1:You know what I?
Speaker 2:mean. So they were doing what they thought was right at that time. So I don't hold that against them at, you know what.
Speaker 3:I mean, does that?
Speaker 2:make sense.
Speaker 1:If I ever found out that my mom was listening to this podcast at the age of I'm almost 40, I would die. I would die because the reactions that I'd get from it, the gaslighting, that never happened. Like all this stuff, like there's times where I have conversations with my mom as something I know, she knows and I've said how it affected me. That never happened, christine, or you're just being too dramatic or whatever, and it's like-.
Speaker 3:I have had the exact same conversations with my parents where I say, well, dad said this to me when I was eight. No, he didn't.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:It's like okay.
Speaker 1:Or then it's like you feel like you need to get over it and it's like but you know what it's the bully in the bully situation. It's like, of course the bully doesn't fucking remember that they bullied, but I remember because that was sorry. I have a cat hair in my mouth. They took, you took something from me that day. What? My favorite one, my other favorite aunt, is the one that made the Caesar salad comment. I hang out with her all the time. I still remember she made that comment because it hurt me and I will not eat a Caesar salad around her. She won't. She would definitely not do that to me now, but I can't because I know of the judgment and I just-.
Speaker 3:I've tried to like talk to my parents a little bit about it to tell them kind of like impact versus intention. It's like, yeah, sure, I'm sure you didn't intend to be hurtful because you are my parents and you love me, but the impact was that it was hurtful and both things can be true. It's like you can intend to like say this innocuous comment that you don't think means anything, and it can be extremely hurtful to the person you say it to, and both are true and that's kind of been a struggle. Like my parents don't really believe in therapy, it took me a long time to go to therapy because it was hammered into me that it's a quack and it's a joke and whatever.
Speaker 3:And I've been in therapy for a long time now and like I'm still unpacking things. But it has given me a lot of strategies and techniques to use when I have like disorder thinking Like for. To tie it back to our Osempic episode, when my doctor suggested Osempic to me, I was like scared to ask her about it because I had talked to a friend that was on it and I was like I kind of wanna ask my doctor if this might be an option for me. And then my doctor said it to me unprompted and then I just saw her recently, kind of like for a followup, and I was talking to her about how it's been a really useful tool for me and it's been great, but that every single time I feel like I could be using in a negative way because it can easily be used as a tool to be anorexic or oh for sure.
Speaker 3:Super easily. My doctor, like to her credit, told me she's like I will not prescribe anyone Osempic that has a needing disorder and is not an active recovery. And I was like oh good. That's. I don't think all doctors do that, but that's like that. Maybe feel very confident in her prescribing it to me.
Speaker 2:For sure, sarah, you still on Osempic since that episode. I am yeah, yeah yeah, have you found it works?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I have lost. I'm at 48 pounds last since I started.
Speaker 3:So it's like I'm now, as of the last two weeks, I'm on 1.25 now actually. So I was on one for, like I did a slow ramp up, so I did 0.25 for four weeks, 0.5 for four weeks, 0.75 for four weeks and then I was at one and then, just like more recently, I've noticed that it wears off, like towards the weekend, and so I talked and I stalled out. I wasn't losing for two months. So I went to my doctor and was like hey, so I'm like I feel like I'm doing the same things, like my exercises may be gone down a little bit just because I've been so busy at work, but like I'm eating very consistently and I'm not seeing any change. I'm like, is this just where my body's gonna sit? Like is like what can we do? And she said that she has been prescribing people like just a 0.25 like booster almost quote, unquote.
Speaker 3:And so I inject on Sunday like my one milligram, and then I inject on Wednesday evening 0.25.
Speaker 2:Oh, that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's just oh, my God, I should talk to my endo. I wonder if that would make a difference for me. I'm on 1.5 and I'm so sick in the beginning, like so, I took it last night and I've been like dry, heaving all morning. But yeah, by sorry, it used to be Fridays, now it's Saturdays by Friday. Friday evening I'm craving fast food and I'm like, wait, what day is it? I'm like, oh yeah, it makes sense. So then I get that out of my head because I mean, you're only craving it because you're not, but that's cool.
Speaker 2:But do you also? Do you have a?
Speaker 1:cap Like. Is your cap like whatever your doctor recommends? Or in your head do you have a cap of where you don't want to go past?
Speaker 3:I have a cap of whatever my doctor recommends. I trust her like I don't think that. She told me, like before, that the maximum that she would ever prescribe would be two milligrams per week and I don't. I hopefully don't need to go to that, but if I do, and I'm very fortunate because my insurance covers- my ozempic so, and it covers the secondary dose as well, which was nice.
Speaker 3:But it's funny. I'm experiencing the same thing that happened when we had our ozempic episode, where, at that time, like to save money, I think it was on 0.75, so I was counting clicks and the pharmacist was like oh, you're gonna need a needletips and whatever.
Speaker 3:And so now that I'm taking this like 0.25, like only once a weekend forever, well, I don't have enough needletips. And the pharmacist was like you're gonna need needletips. I'm like, don't worry, I have a million. Last time we discussed this, so we're good. But yeah, it's been super interesting for me. I mean to piggyback off that ozempic episode. I am like a magical unicorn and I don't really have any side effects.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. I hate you, which is why I know it's okay. I understand, but it's like.
Speaker 3:That's also why it's been so effective for me, I think, because I feel maybe like slightly, although what's really interesting is, do you inject at night or do you inject in the day?
Speaker 1:Sometimes I forget and it'll be at night, but I try to do midday.
Speaker 3:So I inject at night always. And then I was in Palm Springs for my friend's bachelor party and we were going out for the night and I was like, oh, I should probably inject now, because I don't know what time we're gonna get back and I'll probably be tired. And one thing also to mention like since I've been on ozempic, I didn't like drink a lot, but I did drink and now I basically don't drink. It's like I'll drink like one glass of wine max, but mostly because it tastes bad to me.
Speaker 1:now, Right, so this was actually perfect. If, in case, there's not a good transition between things in true form of we cannot last a couple of hours, we took an intermission, yeah.
Speaker 3:I needed to get a sneaky snack. I mean, as advertised when I came on. I pee all the time, I drink a lot of water, so I am well hydrated all the time. But I was saying, like I injected in Palm Springs before, like I went earlier in the evening, because normally I do it right before I go to bed, and then we were out and I was nauseous and I was like, oh, I'm like I guess I do get nausea, but I'm asleep when it happens, cause I inject like I basically like change into my PJs, injectosympic, have some water like put in my night card and go to bed.
Speaker 3:So it's interesting, I don't really have that many symptoms like which are side effects I need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my mouth guard actually triggers it. I forgot about that, so I have. I only wear it every second day now. I'm supposed to be wearing it every night, but I can't Just that being in my mouth. When I wake up I wanna throw up and I immediately have to rip it out of my mouth and I feel better. It's just like my mouth feels too full and it wants to. I wanna be sick. I really hate that. I wish I never actually got Invisalign done.
Speaker 3:Oh, I like. I want Invisalign, because I thought we had Oracle coverage but we do not. So I like-. But I didn't need it.
Speaker 1:My teeth barely look any different.
Speaker 3:There's like a couple of teeth where they straightened out a bit, but my teeth were fine and I have braces when I was in high school, so my teeth are basically straight, but there's a couple that have shifted. And when I did the Invisalign consult, my dentist was like you know, if you like, what bothers you about your teeth? And I was like this is like one snaggle or whatever. And he's like you could just replace that with a veneer. It's gonna be cheaper. And I was like, yeah, but then it will be a different color. So I just I've decided to, in the spirit of body positivity, to embraced the shape of my teeth and the fact that they are slightly, slightly crooked.
Speaker 1:Now, I have a chip right here. You won't be able to see it. That's from when I had a Lebray and when I worked at McDonald's. You had to take your piercings out, so I just took the ball off left the piercing in.
Speaker 3:Oh, and it was hitting the bottom.
Speaker 1:And then I went to bite something forgetting and my tooth snagged it and I choked down on it.
Speaker 2:And it was so painful.
Speaker 1:I had a lip piercing over here, so I had a couple of chips over here too. Yeah, it's awful.
Speaker 2:They're literally curling in on themselves right now.
Speaker 1:I am so shocked that you let me do your eye makeup then because I couldn't see it.
Speaker 2:It's the eyeball Right, like so it's like you doing my eye, I was fine, but like if I could see you getting close to my eye, like even that, just maybe, really I Can't. People are always like, don't your like your glasses? They're so big, like don't they get in the way bubble. But I'm like I've been wearing glasses since the fourth grade, like I, I don't even notice them anymore. I'm not wearing them because I'm so blind.
Speaker 1:I had to wear my glasses for the first time last night because I haven't worked at night in a while and I need them for nighttime driving. I Don't know how you guys deal with them getting fogged up or when it's raining, like it was irritating the shit out of me.
Speaker 3:Oh, that's why we're contacts 24-7.
Speaker 2:I totally understand why people wear contacts. I just cannot do it.
Speaker 3:I have temperatures, cause my glasses bathroom to bed glasses, because that's when I wear them.
Speaker 3:Take my contacts out, walk to my bed so I don't trip on things. But yeah, cuz I am also blind, yeah, but yeah, it's anyways to a segue back to Ozampic and stuff. It's like I had side effects at the beginning but like those went away and Although I have noticed, if I eat kind of, if I eat more junk food, I do feel a little bit of nausea or Not to be gross, but my body goes no, thank you and evacuates it like within like 30 minutes.
Speaker 1:It's like right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and it's so. It makes me not want to eat it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I don't want to feel like that, which is it's nice, like I very it's. Ozampic has been revolutionary for me because I Mentioned like a big episode and I'm here because we're talking about any disorders I was bulimic for. I want to say like, like actively binging and purging for two full years probably before I finally was Like, oh, and part of it is because Weight Watchers back in the day I remember my way in was on Friday at noon and so I would not eat anything from Thursday about lunchtime until Friday, because I'm like, okay, I need to make sure I don't eat anything, I don't drink any water, like I need to make sure that I am the lowest I can be for my weigh-in, and so I would weigh in.
Speaker 3:And the Weight Watchers meeting that I went to was across the street from McDonald's and because I had not eaten for basically a full day, I would go and weigh in and then I would spend all of the rest of my points at McDonald's. Yeah, I would binge eat McDonald's right after it was like yeah, so, and that was like rewarded because I was losing weight consistently at Weight Watchers. Like I got to like my goal weight I got. I maintained it for a long time, like, but while doing this behavior of every time, friday I would go binge eat McDonald's and then it's heard.
Speaker 3:And then I started to kind of Binge drinking because I was young and like going out to the bars and then so we would binge drink and then binge eat, and so it was just this whole thing. And then I kind of like went away from Weight Watchers but I started working at this job, where it was in like luxury fashion and it was very much the vibe that eating disorders are a okay because you need to be thin, like that right, that's the thing. And even then I wasn't like super thin, but I was like a normal size, like I was. I what? I didn't have a washboard stomach. So to me at that time I was like I'm so fat, which no, and so it was like I, I was binging and stuff.
Speaker 3:And then I remember Going to the washroom and hearing someone purging. I mean like huh, that sounds like a good idea, like you know, like to maintain my weight, like it's it's a way to take back control. So I would binge eat and then I would purge because I'm like, okay, well, I've eaten everything, so let's get it out. And it's like it didn't even happen, like let's wash the slate clean. And so I was doing that all the time, like I would. It got to the point where I was like I would binge eat at lunch and because I lived close to my work, I didn't really want to purge into the washroom at work, so I would binge eat at lunch and then I would walk home like, purge and come back to work Right, and then finish off my shift and like at that time I worked shift work, I was, I wasn't in my job that I am now, and Then I like I was two years in where I realized I was doing that all the time, like I was probably bingeing, purging three times a day, like for every meal or maybe with snacks, and Trips were hard with people because they didn't know.
Speaker 3:So I remember going to a wedding with my family and I was staying in the hotel room with my parents and I remember it's like after the wedding had happened and I was like, well, I have to purge because I just ate a bunch of stuff. What do I do? Like parents are here. So I just was like, oh, I think I'm gonna see if I can get more towels. And so I went down to the lobby and like, use the lobby bathroom to purge and was like this isn't good. I really this is really bad. And so also at that time because if you are purging excessively, you're going to have a lot of Side effects that occur from that.
Speaker 3:So I had like extreme, like gastric reflux, like I was, I was starting to have gastritis because the lining of my stomach was inflamed all the time from that and but I wouldn't admit it to anybody that that's what I was doing.
Speaker 3:So I was going to the not my doctor that I've now, but my previous doctor being like I don't know why, like I have reflux. I don't know I my stomach hurts all the time, like, and one time the gastritis was so bad like I couldn't drive and I was at a, like I was out and my friend had to drive me in my car to the hospital and they put me on morphine, which makes you feel nauseous, and so I was like, oh, and it didn't do anything. And they were like, oh, like the wall makes like we'll see if you have an ulcer, like maybe you have H pylori, which is the bacteria that can cause gastritis. And so I did an H pylori test. It was negative and they're like weird, like you have all the symptoms of gastritis but you don't have a reason for this. I do, but they didn't know.
Speaker 3:And then I remember being at work one time and I sat there and my co-worker was there and like we don't, we're not really friends anymore now. But I'm looking back. She actually also was super disordered. She was anorexic, like my other co-worker was anorexic she did. She would have. So we would start our shift at 645 in the morning and so at 645 in the morning she would get a grande americano with two pumps of white mocha like syrup. So just like the coffee and a white mocha, two pumps of white mocha syrup and she would drink that for the whole day.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:So we would start our shift. She would like take sips, she would like reheated in the microwave and then bring it back, and then she would have these like the shakes, like a low blood sugar, because she doesn't eat.
Speaker 3:And so my boss, who was diabetic, would give her a glucose tablet so that she wouldn't be shaking instead of you know food like anyway, so this was the person that was next to me all the time, this person that did not eat and was like rewarded for it and yeah, and so it's like I had this. Oh, and to like, before that I had throat surgery and I got to my lowest weight I've ever been, because I could not physically eat for two weeks after I throw surgery and because of disorder thinking, I was like, oh, maybe I should just like continue this, like where I'm only going to eat.
Speaker 3:Like that's so hard. Ramble day a day, like yeah, let's see how long I can keep this with my gallbladder surgery at the start of this year.
Speaker 2:It's like I saw the weight drop and that's why I didn't want to count that way in, because I was like my brain's going to be like this is what you need to do and this is this is. The other thing, too is I didn't want gallbladder attacks, so I was afraid to eat food because I didn't want the attacks, right. So then, after my gallbladder was out, it's like oh, whatever, I can eat, whatever now, right. And now I've seen the scale go up from it. There are definitely days that I'm just like you should never take in your gallbladder out. Yeah, you were in pain, but at least you're losing weight.
Speaker 2:Like you know, what I mean like your, your brain just goes there sometimes.
Speaker 3:Your brain goes there and tells you that this insane thing is like no, actually made, that works. And it's like. I remember I remember saying to my friend anorexia works, I just don't have the discipline, which is insane, like that is insane to say eating at work was so terrible and so I I would not eat in front of anybody, I would like binge eat wherever I bought that food, go home and purge, come back. And so I was sitting there with my coworker and I had had like four gastritis attacks. I'd been in the hospital a bunch of times where they couldn't figure out, quote unquote, what was going on. And I sat there and I looked at her and it was like can I tell you something? And she was like what? I think I'm the lemak. And she was like what do you mean? And I was like well, I kind of throw up after I eat. And she's like what do you mean? Kind of like like how often? And I was like basically every meal. And she's like what she's like? But I've seen you eat. And I was like yeah, and then you know how I go home for lunch. And she's like yeah, and I'm like because I gotta go through a lot. She was just like what? Like? Have you told anybody else this? I'm like, no, I just. I just I never thought that I would be quote unquote stupid enough to do something like this, because it's been hammered into me that like disorders or a lack of willpower or whatever. So then I went and I talked to my doctor and I told her this. And she's like oh well, now we know why you have gastritis, now we know why you have reflex. Like now we know why you're on all these drugs for reflex and why you're thrown to shred it all the time. And she's like okay, I'm going to set you up with like a counselor. And I was like all right.
Speaker 3:And so my first counseling session, they said something to me that I will never forget, which is that, like for me, binging and purging was a way to assert control, quote unquote. Like I lost control by eating all of this food and I'm taking back control by purging because, like I'm like I'm embracing all of this food. However, food is like when you eat food, the calories are absorbed in your stomach immediately. So even if you purge right after you eat, you have already absorbed all those calories. So you're not doing anything except for giving yourself reflex and gastritis and destroying your body and like breaking your succubilaries in your eyes because you are crying from like, from purging. So it was just it kind of like really resonated with me where I was like, oh my God, like I'm doing all of this stuff because I think that I'm helping, but really like I'm just ruining my body and it's not even doing anything, like yeah, it's an exercise in futility.
Speaker 3:And so, unfortunately, after that moment, I had like a couple counseling sessions that had been like mandated by my doctor, and then I didn't continue because I was, like it's solved, I, everybody, I fixed bulimia, like I know what it is, I never going to throw up again because, like now I know that it's not worth it. But the problem is then, like the binging is still there. So it's like that that still happens, it's not fixed because the underlying issue is not being healed. And so I was binging and so I started to gain weight because, like, like it just it just happened.
Speaker 3:And so I I was like in recovery, gaining weight, and so I tried to counteract this exercise, which is another form of bulimia. So I would eat, like I binge eat, and there's a gym in my building. It's open 24 hours a day and I would be like, okay, well, I got to go work this off. So then I would go down to the gym and like run on a treadmill until I felt sick and I was like, okay, good, you did it, good job. And then go back to my house, be like congratulations, you fixed bulimia. I can do it self self, congratulating myself.
Speaker 3:But like I was seeing the scale creep up and up, which of course, didn't gets frustrating, that's frustrating and it's just horrible. And then I was like well, never forget Caesar salad. So I started to bring myself like a quote unquote healthy but yummy lunch. So I bring like grilled chicken and then with the Caesar salad, so I'd eat that for lunch every day. Because I was like then I'm not going out and purchasing food to binge eat, I'm bringing this lunch that I'm hyper fixated on. I really like it. It's, it's a good balance of being tasty and also healthy. I mean, I'm eating a salad and then I like.
Speaker 3:So my lunchtime routine would be I would go to the gym for a 30 minute session and then come back and eat this chicken Caesar salad. So this one day I go to the gym for 30 minutes, I come back and my Caesar salad is not there and I'm like what's going on? Like what? And so I go to my coworkers and I'm like hey, have you seen my lunch? Like I thought I put it in the fridge. And they're like oh yeah, so we threw that out. And I was like what? And they're like this is a factorvention. We've noticed that you have like gained quite a bit of weight and like Caesar salad is really bad for you, so we've thrown it out, so you should probably just not have lunch today. And I was like what.
Speaker 3:And, instead of being like, this is insane. These are just sort of people who are like, being heinous. I was like you know what they're right. Like they're right, I have been gaining weight. I probably shouldn't eat lunch. I should never eat Caesar salad again. Like they're right. Which, like is terrible. And then I had to do inventory the next night and so normally, like inventory, you're there forever, and so my boss would get all these snacks from Costco and so we would have like two white brownies and like Chicago mix popcorn, whatever. So I set up everything like for this, for the inventory team, I set up all these snacks and I go back to my desk and in my desk is a Ziploc bag full of Chicago mix popcorn, which was one of the things that I binge eat and one of the things that I love, and it was there put by my boss, and there was a post-it note on it that said must exercise after consumption.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, and like where did you work? Sorry, okay, I don't know why I'm accepting it, but but it makes sense, right.
Speaker 3:Like every single person is skinny, like it's just. And I didn't even work on the floor, like I worked in the cash office, like, so I didn't go on like onto the floor where anybody could see me, I was in the back office and it was still like expected for me to dress well and be skinny and like whatever. And so like basically I was like told like you like yeah, you're not believing it anymore, but you're fat, so that's worse. Like Wow, it was so brutal. And so I like complained to my mom and I was like can you believe? My coworkers did this and she said well, you have gained weight, have?
Speaker 1:you been doing it. Oh, my God.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like horrible.
Speaker 1:So you're just getting it from like every angle.
Speaker 3:There's no one there supporting you From all sides and at the time I was like I had stopped seeing this guy. But I was seeing a guy while I was in the midst of my bulimia cycle and we were like we were sleeping together and but he like nobody knew, like it was, like secret, like it was it was kind of like we were friends but like nobody knew that we were like hooking up.
Speaker 3:And then we were in the car with a bunch of friends and like at this time I'd like to point out I was not plus size at all, like I was not that it should matter, but it's like I was quite small, like I'm smaller than I am now and like close to the smallest that I had ever been. And he's like they were talking about like hooking up with people or whatever. And then he said and I was in the back and he said it to my friend that was in the front with him and he was like, yeah, sometimes you just got to fuck fat chicks, like and nobody needs to know when you just need to get your rocks off. And I was like this secret person and I'm like, oh my God, I was like he's talking about me, like which he couldn't. He couldn't have been hindsight because like I wasn't fat. But at the same time I was like he's talking about me, like you know that's what happens.
Speaker 2:My brain would have went there too.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I was like that's what happens and so like all. So it's like. So it's like all of this, like these feelings of like self worth, like I'm worth nothing, like I like I'm worth nothing if I'm not thin, like I am not valued at work because I'm not thin, my family doesn't value me because I'm not thin. So my self worth was just like in the toilet. It was like I am worth nothing because I'm not thin, doesn't matter if I like I'm a nice person, doesn't matter that I have friends like who cares? I'm nothing. And so it was. It was really tough, like it was super tough and like I I think it's actually a testament to how much like therapy and how much healing I've done that I'm not crying right now, talking about it.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 3:That I can look back and be like that was messed up.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Thank you for sharing that, because that is, that's so. Oh my God, people didn't see it, but Chris and I literally had to pick our jaws up multiple times.
Speaker 1:Do you think that the thing that helped you most like I mean, like I guess so you didn't, there was nothing at the time like your help was once you reached out for therapy?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like once it was yeah.
Speaker 3:I was like I started kind of like I was just I felt so bad about myself all the time, like all the time, and I am not a person that generally has like suffered from depression, really Like I'm fortunate to say that I've not really suffered from clinical depression, at least. So after this period when I was kind of like I had left that job, thankfully, because I was like I need to get out of here, like not only do they not value me because I'm lost in, but they treat me terribly, like I need to get up, and so I had gotten a new job, which was great. And then I actually like started like gaining weight massively, but I wasn't doing anything different. I was binge eating, but not in any different way or not. I didn't increase binge eating or whatever.
Speaker 3:And then it turned, after like many, many months of testing and whatever, it turned out that I had a thyroid condition and so I have Graves disease, which is a hyperactive thyroid, which in 70% of people with Graves disease, you lose weight uncontrollably, but in 30% of Graves disease patients you gain weight uncontrollably. And I remember when I got diagnosed with Graves, I was like really I got the disease that people lose weight from and I didn't lose weight really which again is a disorder thought but it's like, of course, of course I would be in the percentage that gains with this disease, that most people lose weight. And so I started working with like an endocrinologist, and one of the symptoms of Graves disease is depression. And so I was like super low and I was like this is weird, this is not how I normally feel.
Speaker 3:And so I started to like seek help, like mental health help, because I'm like it's gonna take a while to get my thyroid stabilized. I need to support myself in like mental health wise and not just hope that my thyroid will stabilize and I'll be fine. And so I started seeing a therapist and it was super helpful. Like we started to get to the root of why do I feel depressed. Oh, because not only do I have like a medical condition, but also I have like zero self-worth because I am not thin and I'm defining my life based off of my size, which is not the way to be. As my therapist says, we are not our meat suits. Yeah, it's like if you ask any of your friends, they will never say like oh, yeah, I'm friends with you because you're thin.
Speaker 3:Or I'm friends with you because you're fat. It's like, no, I'm friends with you because you're funny and nice and we like to make fun of the same people, like, like, like In a loving way. But it's like they're like they're so much because of like diet, culture and like our, our social media, everything. Everything is tied into being you're yourself worth, this type, into being thin or fat or whatever, totally. And I kind of like that guy that said that thing about like fat chicks or whatever. He had asked me to go for a run and I had never run before. I didn't run when I was in high school because I was overweight and running is hard.
Speaker 3:And when we had like PE, I remember telling my PE teacher, who was a man and did not know how to deal with teenage girls at all, and I was like, oh, I have my period. Like every time we had to go running, I'm like I can't run in my period. He's like it's okay, like you don't have to run. I'm like, great. So I never ran, like ever in high school. And so this guy is like you should come for a run with me. And I was like, oh, I don't run. And he was like, well, you should just try it. And it was like all right. And so we go for a run. I now know he's extremely fast at running and like he's like we're doing an easy run no, it was not easy run, so I was dying. And he looks at me and he's like gosh. He's like you're bright red and you can't even breathe, like you're not even running, you're not even jogging, you're jogging, you're going so slow. He's horrible.
Speaker 1:So we don't see him anymore.
Speaker 3:But, and I remember, when I kind of broke things off with him, I was like I'll show you. And while revenge is a good motivator, it's not a healthy motivator. But I signed up for my very first half marathon and that was in 2012. Cause I was like I'll show you. You think I can't run. I'm going to run a half marathon. And so I did.
Speaker 3:I was like, but then running kind of became another way to be bulimic, because it was like, if I'm going to eat and then I'm going to run. And then, as I started to gain weight, I was like well, if I'm an endurance athlete, people can't say I'm fat because I'm an athlete. It's like. And so then I started doing endurance athletes. So I think I like had discussed, because I've run several marathons before. So I was like I'm going to train and run a marathon because no one can talk to you about your food when you say like, well, I'm running a marathon, and they're like oh well, like, yeah, you earned it. Like you ran for five hours and totally you can eat whatever you want. So there's no judgment in your food when you are training for a marathon.
Speaker 3:But what's interesting about marathon training is that your appetite is increased, obviously because you are running for a lot. But most people that train for their first marathon gain weight because you think that you are burning more calories than you are and it gives you free reign to eat. So I gained weight training for a marathon and then. So I ran my first marathon and then my thyroid went out of whack and I started gaining more weight. But I was still just trying to be like OK, I'm an endurance athlete, I'm going to do a triathlon because nobody can touch me if I'm a triathlete. So I defined my self-worth was because I couldn't base it off weight, because I was gaining weight. I'd base it off like I'm an athlete, like right, and it was like I can't be fat if I'm an athlete.
Speaker 2:It makes me think how, like, I look at someone who can run a marathon, for example, and I'll look at it and I'll be maybe not a marathon because I hate running, but I look at it and I'm like man, I want to do that, you know what I mean. Like I feel like I could do that, but then you hear a story like this and it's like how many people had to go through stuff like that to get to where they are. You know what I mean, and it's like so I could sit there and say I want that, but it's like you have no idea what that person went through to get to where they are.
Speaker 3:And it's like I've run three marathons the first one I trained for like I did a training program, everything. The second two I didn't train at all. I just like I was kind of running and then they just kind of happened and they were painful and like I couldn't walk after, like a marathon is a long distance, yeah. And the last one I did I was on thyroid medication. I was carrying a lot of extra weight and like the thing too is running is hard when you're carrying extra weight. It just it is high impact. It's like it's hard on your knees, it's hard on your joints, it's hard on your body, everything chafes. Like it's not fun to run when you are a plus size person. It's just it's not. And there are way more fun exercises to do. Like like Chris, you were saying you were going to the pool, which is amazing. And it's like the like swimming is amazing, swimming is great.
Speaker 3:It's like like when I was training for a triathlon. It turned out that biking is what I love the most and, like I talked about it in, Bikes suck on your butt though.
Speaker 3:I oh my gosh. Let me tell you something that has changed cycling for me. I went and got a bike fit and standard bike seats are made for men. Of course they are Like. Of course they are, and women generally have hip bones that are wider than men, which is why the seat feels so horrible. So I went for like and so there there's these things called like women's seats, and so a lot of like to get kind of technical is a lot of the pain comes from like women have different bits than like cis women have different bits than cis men, and when they like get squished against a bike seat, it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 3:But, you can buy bike seats that either have like a hole so that, like you have space to swell, or my bike seat has. It's called like mimic and it's basically like a foam that like counteracts, like whatever is going on when you're sitting on it for a long time, so it like it has the perfect amount of pressure and so it doesn't even feel like I'm sitting on anything when I'm on my bike seat. And it's wider because for the bike fit they measure where your hip bones are, like, where your sit bones are, and so, like a lot of the pain is because the bike seat is too narrow, so your body is constantly sliding off the seat.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and so you're constantly using muscles to try and like keep yourself on the seat, but you just get a wider seat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're good, so I was thinking about putting a whole desk chair on top of it, like I'm just like I can't Right.
Speaker 3:And so it's like I. I definitely found that cycling was the funnest for me, also because it's like it's easier on your joints, it's easier on everything, it's lower impact and and everything. And so when we did our Osempic episode, I said how one of my non scale like goals or whatever for being on Osempic was to ride the Victoria Fondo and have fun. And I did. I did it in August and I had a great time Like I like it was. It was definitely hard, but like I had a great time. And it's like, and I rode with a bunch of people and who, unfortunately, are still that fobic, because they have said to me like, oh, you've lost a lot of weight, like good for you, and I'm like, thank you. They're like, yeah, cause. And then actually they said something which you know like intention versus impact. Of course they like didn't realize that it would be hurtful to me, but they were pointing out another cyclist who's like plus size and they're like, oh, that heavy girl, she just can't go up the hills.
Speaker 3:Oh, my God, and I was like you know, that was, that was me, that is me, that's crazy. It's just the casual, like the casual fat phobia and the casual comments just kind of kill me being midsize?
Speaker 1:did you have a perspective, especially when you were going through, like, eating disorders and stuff of obese people, like, was your perspective different than now? Cause, like for like. And just to start it off, like for me, I even used to look at people that were bigger than me and go, well, I'm not as big as them, like. Or then I'd even ask the person beside me, like, am I smaller than them? And I remember some people would be like, why are you even asking that? But I was super toxic and it was around the times of high school when people were making fun of me all the time.
Speaker 3:And yeah, it's like your perspective of being a midsize person is that you are fat Like there is no, there is no in between.
Speaker 1:And now we have different classifications. Well, all of them are midsize. Oh, but then there's even now this, this part's unacceptable, yeah.
Speaker 3:Which like and even like. Then people will be like people who aren't midsize will say they're midsize, like right now. I would say I don't want to say that I'm midsize. I actually think right now I'm smaller than midsize because I have lost a significant amount of weight.
Speaker 1:And some people even find classifying midsize as being problematic and fatphobic. But like literally there's different sizes of people and you know what we operate this way, because normally of clothing stores or because of how people are treating it. It's like, yeah, but clothing store just gave us all the options. We wouldn't have to classify things, it would just exist yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, it's like one of my biggest pet peeves about the endurance community, and like cycling cycling specifically is that I was wearing a double XL jersey in my cycling club, which was the largest size that is offered. So, literally, if I got any bigger quote, unquote I would not be able to participate in the cycling club because they don't have clothing for me, which is insane. And it's like I, I like I. This is a toxic thing.
Speaker 1:I wasn't that big, it's so interesting.
Speaker 3:Like I found a lot of. I found friendship and support in the Psychon Club, despite some of the behaviors which is weird to say, but it's like as someone with an eating disorder not active currently, thankfully, but as someone with an eating disorder, you'll have it forever. You will have disordered thoughts forever. It just that's what it is and that's why I, like you guys, had talked about in one of your episodes recently about CBT and DBT, and so I do a lot of CBT techniques for when I have a disordered thought to be like why am I thinking this?
Speaker 3:What is the behavior that's associated with this? How could we change this into a different viewpoint?
Speaker 1:I haven't recommended this forever and I really need to jump on it.
Speaker 3:Highly, highly recommend. It is wonderful. My therapist always I'm a very logical person, so it's hard for me sometimes to be like, why am I thinking about this? And so she always says to me she's like okay, so that's how you're feeling. How would a court of law view this? Like if you were in court defending how you're feeling, like what would the prosecution say to you about, like, the actual facts surrounding what you're feeling right now? And it's like oh.
Speaker 3:And then it's like, oh, yeah, I'm like this is what I'm feeling is not the truth, but like feelings are valid, but then when there are disordered feelings, maybe kind of think about how you can reframe it. But yeah, like especially the whole thing of even I defined myself as a person who was not thin and then I defined myself as an endurance athlete because it means I'm not fat but, even though I was and so like to be.
Speaker 3:I don't like to define myself as a mid-sized person now, because mid-sized can mean many things, like mid-sized can mean the lower end of the plus size scale, like 12 to 14 mid-sized on TikTok. Sometimes this is like someone that's a size eight, which to me is like not mid-sized, that's a normal size, because like small size to me is like a zero and a two, but then if you're saying an eight is mid-sized, then a two is normal then, like what's a 14?
Speaker 3:Then, if that's then plus size, what is a 20? What's a 22? Like right, we're gonna have to add more descriptors to it, and so it's been very triggering for me losing weight on Osempic, because I am being rewarded once again for losing weight. This time, though, it is in a healthier way. So, it's like I do want to be rewarded, but at the same time I don't want people to treat me differently because I've lost weight but, they are, because that's our society.
Speaker 1:And it's gonna. It's that way for so many people like you lose weight and you just treat it differently and, to be quite honest, like, let's say, tomorrow I dropped 200 pounds. If people started treating me differently, I would cut them off.
Speaker 3:Yeah, cause they shouldn't be, and it's like it's like I have not changed.
Speaker 1:I'm still the same sarcastic asshole.
Speaker 3:Yeah, as I mean, as my therapist says, we're not our meat suits. It's like that shouldn't be why people want to hang on with us or whatever, and like I'll never forget. Like you know, you have those things where people make like we've said it over through the course of talking and people make comments, not thinking about it, but it affects you in such a serious way. And when I was like fully training, like so I have done an Ironman, 70.3 triathlon, which took eight and a half hours. It involves a 90 kilometer bike ride after you have done a 2.5 or 2 kilometer swim. So it's 2 kilometer swim and then a 90 kilometer bike ride and then a half marathon, 21.1 kilometers.
Speaker 1:So- I don't understand that language. That sounds like work.
Speaker 3:Oh, it's a lot of work. So I did it in 2019 and, like it was part of my like I can't be fat because I'm an athlete, I'm doing an Ironman or whatever, and I remember training for Ironman and talking to my friend who and the thing too is, people who have always been thin and have never had weight issues will never understand what it's like to be in a bigger body.
Speaker 3:They just won't and like that's. I'm like Chris is having head fun. That's been hard for me to kind of swallow a little bit. It's like the kind of naivety of people who have always been small, so a friend of-.
Speaker 2:Like we, when I was telling Chris about how, like my one friend was talking to me about podcasts, she's somebody who's always been smaller and she was like, yeah, I tried to support you on the podcast but it just felt like you were skinny shaming the whole time. So I couldn't listen to the podcast and I'm just sitting there like, but you're skinny, like you haven't been in this position, you haven't been You've never been marginalized because of your size, yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's like I understand you feeling that way, but I'm not going to not do this anymore, because there are people who have been through what I've been through and are feeling the way I'm feeling. This wasn't for you.
Speaker 1:I still don't really understand the perspective of thinking that we're skinny shaming for the fact that we've never said anything that was like hateful towards skinny people. But it's just like the fact of that skinny people do get treated differently. We could phrase it a different way. We could phrase it that people get treated differently. You know, it's just-.
Speaker 2:But this is the first time a skinny person has seen something that's not for them.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's how they see it as skinny shaming.
Speaker 1:Right, Because it's like but just because we're, only because we're centering fat bodies. Is that?
Speaker 2:the problem. Exactly, that is exactly it. But that's and to me that's absolutely insane, because it's just like I got it, You're it's this so that's why I have the fandom Like it's not for you, I can't even you know what I mean. Like it's like it's not for skinny people, yeah.
Speaker 3:I got my friend to-.
Speaker 1:Wait, can I just? I'm sorry, just because of that sentence for the skinny people that are listening to us, not that the show is not for you. If you're listening to it and you're skinny, then that means you get it and you understand what we're talking about. And maybe you haven't lived through it, but, like, you've listened to us enough that you're understanding our perspective. So it's not everyone, yeah.
Speaker 3:I asked one of my friends to listen to the Ozympic episode because I was like, hey, like you're gonna hear a lot of things that like have been running in my head for a long time and like spoken by other people. But I was like, oh, that resonated, because that's how I think too, and like the thing that he took away from it was, oh, I'm like he was like they're kind of bashing skinny people. I'm like that is not at all what's happening here, and the fact that you think that means that you have misunderstood things about me for a long time, and maybe that's something too?
Speaker 1:un Did you have the perspective of like what sounded like bashing skinny people? Cause I just don't, I don't hear it, cause I just were not, like I'm not consciously doing anything.
Speaker 3:I don't even know, I don't even remember like where he was, like oh, like it was.
Speaker 2:Just, I think it was more I think it's just the same idea of if you just Maybe it's cause we also say it's like it's not the want of to be skinny.
Speaker 3:No, it's like, yeah, and same as like. Even for me on Ozympic. It's like I want to lose weight to be healthier. I started Ozympic because I had hypertension and like my cholesterol was elevated. It's not because I was like, oh, I weigh too much and I want to be thinner. I mean, part of it is, of course, when you like, not everybody wants to be thinner, that's in a bigger body. But like I wanted to like, because I have explored so many different ways, I know that I feel healthier when I weigh less, because it's easier for me to move around the world and do things I like to do, like running and like cycling and everything.
Speaker 2:And the body positive community. Not all but a huge chunk would show up and be like oh, you're fat phobic, yeah exactly.
Speaker 1:So it's just really, you're not going to make everybody happy at the end of the day, right, like we're very specific, it depends on what language you're using as well, because I can hear it when you said that I feel healthier at a lower weight or however you wanted it. But it's like but you can be healthier at a bigger weight. So when you do say that it's almost like I feel better myself when I'm at a lower weight, like it doesn't have. We don't have to associate healthiness with weight, you know so it's like I can understand that and it's just like. It's also like working through the programming we've all been in, like I will still say like, oh, I'm having a healthier meal, and it's like because it's a salad, but it's just like it's more nutritious. You know like it's. Yeah, food is food in moderation, or whatever food is food.
Speaker 3:No, foods are inherently evil.
Speaker 1:It's hard, though, when people attack right away like oh well, you said that it's like Kate, but you know what, like I'm 40 and I've lived through many different decades of different diets, you know like I'm not talking about Atkins anymore am.
Speaker 3:I I don't think it's anyone Right, I'm not doing whole 30. And it's, and also I feel like the definition of like healthier also it's like, it's like. What do I mean when I say healthier? It's not, it's like. Healthier to me means I am able to move my body in ways that I want to and like and to feel good, so it's like to be able to run.
Speaker 2:Well, what could happen with Sarah too, when she was going to the gym and got attacked for being fat phobic, never said anything about weight loss. Just going to the gym made her fat phobic. Like it's just, you can't make everybody happy and healthier to everyone's gonna mean something different.
Speaker 1:You could go up to Susie over there and be like what is your version of being healthy? And they could be like not being a smoker, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like I don't have nothing to do about weight. It's like health to everyone is totally different because also we're all living different lives. Sorry, ramza, I'm gonna use you as perspective. Maybe vaping isn't healthy for Rams you know what I mean and it's like so that would be his version of being healthy could be not being a vapor anymore.
Speaker 3:Well, and also then you guys talked about it in your last episode you can get to the extreme of healthy living where you get to orthorexia and then you are literally obsessed with being healthy quote unquote.
Speaker 3:And like that's not healthy. It's like nobody is going to be perfect and nobody is going to be able to achieve. Like whatever they think in their head is their dream body quote unquote. And it's like I look like, especially as someone who has been many different weights, like I have been like in a thin body, but not knowing it at the time, and in a plus size body and knowing it, but not and not being upset by it really, but just kind of like oh, okay, this is how much I weigh now, this is I have to buy this size clothing like okay, but it's been interesting being in these like different weights, while I've been a healthier and I say healthier in the terms of mental health, a healthier version of myself in my mind, where it's like I'm attaching less to the size than I was before in regards to my self worth. Like I am worth the same right now than I was when I started, as I'm fit back on January 29th and I weighed 40, 45 pounds more.
Speaker 3:It's like I'm worth the same. I am just in a smaller body because I haven't losing weight and like and I'm happy to report like, health wise, I do not have hypertension anymore, which is wonderful. It's like I am happy to have a normal blood pressure, which is great because it means that when I am exercising, my heart rate doesn't go crazy. It's like my heart rate is, I mean, elevated. Of course, when you exercise that's what happens, but it's like I no longer feel like my heart is beating out of my chest when I'm trying to do any form of exercise and I love exercise, because I love moving my body, because I definitely get that endorphin high, like I love it.
Speaker 3:And like when I I'm also a person I always say I'm an outdoors person, I'm not all right, sorry, I'm an outside person, not an outdoors person. I don't camp and I don't really hike, but I did do one hike, like two weeks ago I went to Manning Park and hiked the Larches, which was. It's beautiful. And like during the fall there's these like alpine larches where all of their needles, which are normally green, they turn golden yellow for two weeks.
Speaker 3:And then they all fall off for the winter. But it was like a goal of mine to go and hike the Larches. And so two years ago I hiked Garibaldi with my friend and I had wanted to do Panorama Ridge, which for context, is like I think it's 30K round trip, which is long and I don't really hike. And so we got to Garibaldi Lake and I was like out of breath, my heart rate was crazy, like whatever, whatever. And my friend's, like you will not make it to Panorama Ridge and be able to come back all the way down. She's an experienced hiker. So she was like you can't do this, we'll have to save this for another day.
Speaker 3:And so I haven't hiked since then because I felt like shame, that I was like quote, unquote, out of shape and couldn't do this. And so we did Manning Park and it was difficult but like it was fun and like we could do it, my heart rate was elevated because I was hiking, but it was like nothing I couldn't handle and it was just beautiful. And I feel that way when I'm on my bike and I'm like cycling around Stanley Park and I see all the trees and everything in the water and landscape, bridge, and like I love getting outside and running or biking because I love looking a scenery, but I always say I ride for the treats because I'm still me, and so, like I went for a bike ride to Deep Cove, so Vancouver to Deep Cove and back. It's a 50-ish kilometer round trip. But they have this sandwich shop in Deep Cove called Dipco and I saw it on TikTok and it was incredible like the best sandwich I have ever had.
Speaker 1:And it was.
Speaker 3:Dipco. It was so good. They're like European style sandwiches on house made focaccia and they literally took the focaccia out of the oven.
Speaker 2:My arms. Get the keys. We're going to Dipco.
Speaker 3:So good and the sandwiches are like good value, like they're like 15-ish dollars but they're huge, so it's like you get like a good amount of food for like how much it is.
Speaker 1:I think everyone on this podcast knows I like sandwiches by now.
Speaker 3:They are great.
Speaker 1:They have good firehose too.
Speaker 3:It's like the best sandwich I've ever had, but it's like we biked Deep Cove specifically to have sandwiches and then bike back, which was great. So it's like I've been happy that cycling has been easier, but I also want to acknowledge that I could still cycle in a bigger body, like it didn't prevent me from cycling. It just like and that's the thing too is like when you say you want to lose weight, people call you fat boba.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's. That's rough Like we've experienced that too.
Speaker 3:Where it's like and people are always going to have an opinion, and it's just kind of like does their opinion matter? No, so it's anyways.
Speaker 1:Sarah, did you and I connect after my gross grind?
Speaker 3:Yes, ok, yeah, because I told you I was like you ever want someone to come with you, I will huff and puff alongside you and I remember you saying that and I think my response was love it.
Speaker 1:I can't hike with people because, like and I don't know if I gave you the whole reason, but it's like I don't want to hear people to hear me breathing and yeah, and I understand. But honestly, talking to you now, I'm like so where are we going to go hiking together?
Speaker 3:Oh my God, let me tell you we're going to go to Corey Rock because it's like it's not that long.
Speaker 2:And it's not Wait is that West Bend?
Speaker 3:And deep cove and deep cove, and then we can go to Dipko and get sandwiches. Ok, yeah, we're doing it. Yeah, because it's so good, and but it's like to tell you about my gross grind experience the very first time. So I mentioned this guy that I was seeing who got me, like weirdly, into running through revenge. And so he I have never done the gross grind before. I knew it was hard because people talked about it. But he was like we should do the gross grind together and I was like, okay, so I did. I'd never been hiking, ever.
Speaker 3:I show up to the grass grind and I'm like wearing like a Full face of makeup and a little lemon outfit, being like, okay, let's take pictures at the top, let's do this. And I remember him being like you can't wear that, this is not a fashion show, you can't wear this. Like silver bag and like whatever we're hiking. And I was like, but where am I gonna put my water? He's like you just have to carry it. And I was like, okay, and so we start going up and like, chris, you know, but like the first, the first quarter is the worst, because when you get to the quartermark You're like, how is this only the quarter, and it's because is in terms of Elevation and not distance, and so the first quarter is less steep.
Speaker 3:So it's like super long to like get there. Thankfully I didn't actually see the first quartermark the first time I ever did the grind, so I missed it. And then I was just like I feel like I've been going forever. And then I saw the half and I was like, okay, I'm halfway through, so we start going up the grind and, similar to you, I was like I don't want anybody to hear me breathe. And so he was with me and I was like can you just go ahead?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I don't want I don't leave me alone, I don't want you to hear me breathing. And he's like okay. And so he like sailed up and then I saw him at the top and so I did finish the grind. I saw him at the top and he made fun of me for being sweaty and like whatever. And then he was like I want to do it again sometime and like I mean sure I've accomplished it now I feel very like it took me forever, but like he, I think he had like a whole meal waiting for me to the top. And so then he decided like okay, if we're gonna go to the grind yours so slow, I'm gonna do it three times. So he would do it like he would start with me and then he would go to the top, come back down, go the top, come back down. Sorry, was this when you were dating?
Speaker 3:Yeah, not anymore, and so he he would catch me every time and then overtake me, and so I remember him catching me the third time up and I was almost at the top and I was like hey, like do you maybe want to like go slower and like come with me, since I'm almost at the top now? And he was like why I'm?
Speaker 3:I'm checking my time and I was like alright, and so he like left me and went to the top and I I have since done the grind with other people who are not as insane and like are nice and like I have friends who are Trail runners and they're insane, like they run like a hundred kilometers and that does not interest me at all. And so my friend Christina, she came up with me up the grind and like she was not even out of breath, like she just was. So part of me wanted to be like, can you just go? Like I, I Want to put headphones in to drown out the sound of my own breathing because I don't want to hear me like the first.
Speaker 1:The first time I went like honestly that, watching the woman walk with a mocha, I'm like I hate you but I also want to be you. Yeah, there was this one girl. I just didn't like her because she she passed me and she's like, oh, you have too many layers on or whatever. Yeah, but it was super mosquito-ing and she's like you don't need that many layers. And I was like whatever. And then she passes me again when I actually had taken a layer off because I was odd at that point. Yeah, that's, it was six in the morning when I started, so it's cold.
Speaker 1:You need a layer when you start, and then she was like, oh, you took a layer off and I was. I Was done at that point because I had already thrown up once and I looked at her and I went Yep, and then as she kept walking and like bitch, like I just, but I was just not because of that, but I'm like this bitch has, it's her second time this morning and I just threw up.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like calm down lady, like, oh my god, like I know.
Speaker 1:I know, right, like you know what, mary, just leave, yeah, but the people at the top, I forget their names. I will always remember that moment, though I will cherish it for the rest of my life, when, like they were just like you made it, and like they had just seen me, I hadn't talked to them and they gave me the biggest hug. Well, they asked me. They're like do you want to hug?
Speaker 3:I'm like oh, yeah, which is like amazing and it's just like it's. It's an incredible feeling and I feel like that is why I liked doing like half marathons when I first started, because you get to the end, they give you a medal, you feel great and you're like I accomplished something.
Speaker 3:So it's like, as long as you're doing it for quote-unquote right reasons like to feel good at the end and not to punish yourself or like Say, or to give yourself a sense of self-worth because you like you can't be fat if you're an endurance athlete. It's like to do the grouse crime is a major accomplishment.
Speaker 1:It is so hard and like One time, like we should do, we should do quarry rock because it's, it's a gentler hike and like that's, I think that's the one that rams and I might have done like a year or two ago, but like we would only took like a couple like or like only one trail, I don't know. There's a whole bunch, yeah, yeah, but I did want to ask you. Yeah, it's been a couple hours now, but I did want to ask you do you have something that you can like I don't know where to send home with everyone? Like from everything that you've been through With eating disorders, body dysmorphia, everything ozampic even, like, is there anything that you can say to people that might be going through it or have these?
Speaker 3:I mean the one thing that I could say I have a post it above my door, so I see it every time I leave my house which is comparison, is the killer of joy, and that includes comparing yourself to your past self, because, as someone who has explored many weights and like I, like I what I've started, ozampic Someone asked me and they're like, oh, like, what weight do you want to get to? And I was like I don't really have a number in mind. I have kind of like a range that my body seemed to sit at well in the past, um, but I'm like I want to see if that's actually accurate or if that is just kind of like if I was there from from a negative behaviors, um, but I I never want to look back at my past self and be like, oh well, like that person was thin and and it's kind of. It's a thing in the endurance community too, where it's like you look back at your race times and you go.
Speaker 3:Oh well, I was faster back then or whatever, where it's like you can't look back at race times from 10 years ago because you're 10 years older. So it's like you are naturally going to get slower to a to a point. But I think what I would impart to people is things that my therapist tells me, which is that you are not your meat suit, so your weight does not define you. Like, are you a good person? Do you have people in your life that care about you? And then, even kind of, one thing that my therapist will tell me too is I'm sure like many people can resonate with this no one is meaner to me than I am to myself. Like no one says like mean things to me, like I can say to myself, like I can be my own worst enemy. And To reframe the things that you say to yourself is like would you say that to your best friend? It's like yeah, no, you never. Would you never say things like you can be so negative in your own head and like and it.
Speaker 3:You wouldn't even say it out loud to someone else, what you were saying about yourself too, because you know it's like you know within yourself that what you're saying is not true and what you're saying is hurtful, but it is always easier to be hurtful to ourselves than it is to other people, and so Try and treat yourself Like you would treat someone that you love deeply, and then, like it's kind of it sounds hokey, but like it might even make me cry right now, but like I'm gonna ask you guys to do it too, because my my therapist got me to do it and I, like I, did start crying, which is you're gonna put your hand on your heart and you're gonna say and you're gonna say I am worthy and I'm worthy of love and I'm worthy of loving myself.
Speaker 3:I am worthy.
Speaker 2:I am worthy of love.
Speaker 1:I am worthy of love. I am worthy of love. And I'm worthy of loving myself and I am worthy of loving myself.
Speaker 3:I like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah and it's like and it it means that you're worthy of loving yourself At any size.
Speaker 3:It doesn't matter what size you are, it doesn't matter where you are in your journey, it doesn't matter if you're the highest level of love You've ever been, the lowest weight you've ever been you are still just as worthy throughout that entire journey of loving yourself. Because and also another thing to say is like you don't always love yourself, and that's also okay, because sometimes, sometimes, you just can't get there, and that's okay, it's like it, it, it ebbs and flows. I love this. Oh, thank you Honestly.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much there. This was amazing. Yeah, no problem, this is an amazing human and I'm so glad we finally got to do this. Yeah, me too.
Speaker 3:I'm like, oh my god, if you ever want to talk like I know you guys watch Brittany runs a marathon and one of your previous things. If you ever want to talk about like I don't know, stuff like that, or even we actually have been planning to even do a, Dive into that.
Speaker 1:What was that show called Um? Fat versus skinny? Oh yeah, yeah like where we watch a couple episodes and then talk about it.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, I'm like, if you want a perspective of someone who has been very skinny due to like things and, like I, also love reality TV, I am in if you want. If you want a commentator to join you on those, yeah, that would actually be.
Speaker 2:Total side note here that would be cool for like guests next year if it's like you have like a fat girl therapy on the Tuesday and then on the Thursday they review whatever we're reviewing. So have like a week like a guest for two episodes, yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, actually for everyone out there, we're not having a waiting room this week because we do not have the time for it, and when Lisa and I were going into this, normally our guests were for the waiting room part, but we're like you know what I feel like this is going to be fat girl therapy. So, and it was, yeah, I love this. I just I have nothing else to say other than this was awesome.
Speaker 2:This was gay. I'm glad we finally got to do this. Happy to.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Well, lisa, take it away with your yay.
Speaker 2:Yay.
Speaker 1:Alright, thanks again, Sarah.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thanks everybody, bye.