I Don't Do That Anymore ft. Dave #70

Steve welcomes Dave to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Follow Dave on Instagram @gymdave85 and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast.

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If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com

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Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone. And welcome to gAy A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBTQ plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-Martin. I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful for finding success in my new career. As of this recording, I'm 276 days sober. And today we're welcoming guests to share their experience, wisdom and hope with you. Welcome to the show day. Hi, how are ya? I'm doing great. And I'm very excited to have you on you were one of the first sober accounts I followed when I got sober.

Dave: 0:31

Oh, thank you very much. That's great to hear. Yes. And

Steve: 0:34

why don't you introduce yourself to listeners about who you are?

Dave: 0:37

So my name's David Becker. I'm 36 years old. I coached gymnastics and I'm an artist as of now 19 months sober and living in the Boston. Yeah. Excellent. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Congratulations to you too.

Steve: 0:52

Thanks. Why don't you share a little bit about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like.

Dave: 0:58

All right. So I grew up doing gymnastics my whole life. So I was from age two all the way through the end of high school, I was pretty Focused on that and regimented with, you know, hours and hours of training and strict diet. It was the nineties too. So it was a little bit stricter in the world of sports, on youngsters than it is now. But so once I got out of gymnastics and finished high school, I discovered drinking and it was one of those things where for so long, I was so controlled. And so. Regimented. And so, you know, involved in something that took so much of my time and my body and my energy and my life that I was, they didn't really know who I was outside of that sport. And then I had my first drinking experience around the age of 17 and it was like a light bulb of, oh my God. Like, I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be the life of the party and I don't have to be this like little shrinking violet. Only the kid that does gymnastics, I can be so much more, which was the beginning of the problem. I was like, I needed this thing to be fun. I fell. And I mean, looking back now realizing there was lots of anxiety, lots of, you know, depression in my life just undiagnosed because I was so just focused on one thing and I had my spot, I had my gymnastics, I had my thing and to no one really worried about me very much. And then. By being kind of, not necessarily pushed to the side, but just to be, to seem so content, no one really thought there was anything going on with any mental health issues with me. And then put that bottle in my hand at 17 years old. And whew, we just went and you know, had the kind of normal college quote unquote. Normal college experience of parties and, you know, boys and all these things coming in and, and into my life that had never been there before an alcoholic, just being right along with it, that pass. So then after that, after college, I kind of just, the party didn't stop for me. And then drugs got involved after college and through my twenties, I was kind of still searching for that party boy that, you know, life of the party. The have been there for me for so long. And so that's how drugs spin and that's how my drug life started. And after awhile, it just wasn't fun anymore. And kind of spiraled into this self-medicating and you know, eventually ended up in some pretty rough spots with the law and a couple of DUI. You know, stuff like that. So that's kind of it, and that show on when we could go on and on forever. But yeah, that's kinda where, where, where it was, where it's at.

Steve: 3:44

Yeah. And then going from there and like realizing it, wasn't finding more, how did you get so.

Dave: 3:51

So initially what had happened back in 2014, I had my second DUI. The gavel kinda came down on my second DUI with the consequences of Massachusetts is pretty strict. So I lost my license for two years and I had to go into a program like a kind of rehab program for a couple of weeks, and then a year of aftercare, which was AA and all that stuff. So that was 2014. So for two years solid, I was completely clean and sober and like and then once all of the legal. Things kind of fell off into my, you know, out of my life. I slowly started to go back out and try to, you know, re you know, rejoined the population. And it really, it really came down to like peer pressure. I was at a party one time and one of like the cool gays, like said to me, like, you know, we really think you're, you're, you're, you're nice. And you're in, you're handsome, but you're a little quiet and like you're a little boring and I'm like, oh no, I'm not the boring one. Like, I can't be the boring. And so he just, you know, headed me a little, a little GHB, and then it just kinda snowballed from there. Not too crazy out of control, but I, from there, I slept into the circuit scene which for a couple of years, wasn't all bad. I mean, you know, you do your, you do your drugs and you have fun with your friends and it's when you're an addict and an alcoholic it's, there's no off switch and I just didn't have an off switch. And for. From the circuit scene kind of rolled into the crystal meth scene. And then that was just my dirty little secret. Even from all my circuit friends, I would go out now at dance. And every year we have so much fun. And at the end of the night, they would go to their after hours with their circuit friends. And I would sneak off to the kind of like seedy underbelly of the Boston drug scene and just get terribly, you know, kids get into terrible situation. With crystal meth. And that was just such an insidious drug and so hard to get out of. And so finally, 19 months ago, I you know, post pandemic, the pandemic hit obviously 2020, and then I just was so stressed. I mean, everyone was the stress, the anxiety of the world. I just pushed all that down. And then in July of 2020, Went to the beach with my friend and some of the cool gays, like we're there, it's always the cool gays, I guess it just kind of pushed me over the edge. But they like, weren't nice to me, but they weren't named either. It was just this very like blahzay Ray interaction. And for some reason, I think that was just a little bit of a spark to kind of like, make me feel bad enough about myself, where I went out that night and I was on a week long. Just from this like small little social stumble. And I was dating someone at the time who lived in the UK and we would FaceTime the same time every night. And I was always missing that face times during my vendor. Cause I was on a vendor and then he figured it out and he was like, you know, this was the man that I was convinced I was gonna marry and I was going to be with forever and he was so wonderful and so beautiful and so kind. And so understanding that. Addiction got the better of us. And he said it was over and that was the kick in the ass I needed to really get get sober for real and do it for me and do it for, you know, that our life, not because the judge said I had to, not because my family said I had to, not because you know, people at work were noticing that I was like acting. We, it was just, for me, it was for me. And it was for the betterment of my life. And, and so now, 19 months later,

Steve: 7:20

Yeah. And 19 months into it. What are some of the positive changes in your life now that you're living sober?

Dave: 7:26

Well, I mean, I it's, it's, it's one of those things where as soon as I got sober, I made my sober life as public as possible, and it was one of those things to help me keep me accountable and keep me in check. So millennial of me, like my social media saved, they're like, well, I didn't really like. It was one of those things where all of a sudden, as soon as I started talking about it, like everyone that I knew personally was now informed of my progress and informed of my good decisions and all those things. But then also then again, people from all over the country all over the world are now reaching out to me on a regular basis. Like thanking me for my story, thanking me for my honesty and thanking me for, you know, being, I guess, a role model, a role model for us, you know, sober, gay men everywhere. And. That has been unbelievable, like to wake up and, and have had a rough day or whatever, Barbara, you know, and feel a little bit down and then to flip my phone open and say and to see that, that onslaught of, of kindness and, and acceptance, and the thing that I was searching for for so long through alcohol and through drugs, that acceptance, that that sense of community has come with sobriety. And I think that's probably the best. Thing. I found my place. I found my tribe. I found my people, I think. And it's crazy. Cause like, you'll go to an event I used because I can still go out to the clubs. I still go to, I love P town in Massachusetts. It's one of my favorite places in the whole world. And I can search. I can still go to these gay places and you meet like one sober person there and they know six more sober people who know, you know, six more from there. So before I knew it, I was constantly in continuously surrounded by strong, amazing sober men that just made me feel. Again, I had arrived and I had been accepted and I, so I think that's the best thing that come out of this is that sense of community that I think we're all looking for. And you know, on top of that, of course, it's like you sleep better. You know, you look better, your skin's clear your, you know, all that kind of superficial stuff is kind of nice too. But at the end of the day, it's like, I feel like I have a family and. Definitely the best thing to come out of this. Yeah. Now you're one of the cool kids. I am one of the cool gays finally is great. And the, one of the things that was is always, I think nerve-wracking for people who are getting sober for the first time is people's reactions. Who are not our drinkers or who do you use? Like non sober people's reaction? I feel like really has a big pull on a lot of men, women getting sober in the first place. Like, what are my friends are gonna think? What am I club friends? What am I party friends? What am I, you know, my family. And for me, I've had nothing but incredible acceptance from everyone in my life. My family is obviously super proud and happy that I'm finally really here and finally, really arrived to this. Back. Was it Memorial day 2021 was when Boston finally reopened and there was this, it was Memorial day weekend. And the club in Boston has this big Sunday night party for every Monday holiday. And me and my roommate were going to went out and I was, there was the first time going out at the beginning of the pandemic. And the first time going out in this with this new silver life and this new suburb personality. And every single person I saw that night congratulated me. I was expecting a couple of people to be like, Hey girl, like good job. Like, you know, whatever. It was, all my circuit friends, all the guys I'd known forever. We're just like, we're so proud of your so proud of you. And it was just incredible. That was that, that moment of like, it was just, no one was like, girl, why you do like, why, why aren't you drinking? Why aren't you? That, that, that was gone. This full acceptance from not only this over community, but my entire gay community in Boston and having lived here my whole life. I know a lot of people. And so, you know, it was really incredible just to have that incredible. Kindness from this city. And I know Boston kind of gets a bad rap as far as that is concerned, but for me, my experience has been nothing but accepting and, and it's been wonderful. Yeah.

Steve: 11:34

And I mean, being so ingrained in the local LGBT community, how would you say your sexuality has played a role like both during your addiction and now in your recovery?

Dave: 11:44

So one thing that I was definitely drugs and alcohol for sure. Brought out that kind of. Confidence then that's and that's sexiness that you feel within, because again, for so long being a gymnast, I was so concerned about perfection and being this perfect little thing and, and getting that perfect 10 and, you know, back in the eighties, some Olympic men's team for gymnastics really did well. And so in the nineties, if you grew up in the nineties, gymnastics, you were, there was an opportunity to really go far because we had done so well in the past and just wanted to continue that success. So it was really hard. They're really hard on us. So you're being constantly told that you're not good enough and you're not perfect and you're not, you know? And so to grow up like that and to already be like a nervous, like, you know, low self-esteem little gay boy, and to have all that thrown at you every single day for 30 hours a week, it's it's really solidified itself my brain. And so when I started to drink, it was like all that went out the window, just like I had said before. But now I could be, once I drank, I could be sexy and I felt that like power and they felt that it's that sexiness coming from within. And it really, you know, I had a lot of unsafe moments because of it, you know, you're, you're knee braided and you're, you're you find someone that you want to go home with, you sleep with people you wouldn't sleep with normally when you're drinking. And so it went from like zero to 60. Like as soon as I was. Single and, and, and drinking out the clubs. It was like, who was I going to go home with next? And, and that's, again, just that search, that search for acceptance, that searched for that, you know, partner that searched for. But it's so clouded by, by, by alcoholics just it's you make bad choices. You really just like, oh, okay. Like you wake up in the morning and you got to get to work. And you're like, okay, hi, whoever you are like, so that was how it started with. With crystal meth, it's one of those things that, that drug just takes you to places that you would never go ever. I mean, it's, it releases that demon inside of you and that, which in a lot of ways you think is like your, your kind of ultimate sexual being, then you look back and you're like, no, that's really not. It it's not the person I want to be. That was not the people I don't want to be with. Having. Going through that. And then, and then to, to come out the other end, one of the things I was worried about though, was kind of like that's sexual openness that drugs and alcohol gave you gave me was one of the things I was worried about missing. Am I going to be able to be, you know, the quote, unquote, I guess you could say, like the pig I've always been is that that's kind of what I wanted to be. I wanted it to be. Uninhibited and open and, and willing to explore my kinkier side or, you know, stuff like that. And so when he gets sober, like, can I do it? Can I do it without it? Can I have good sex? Can I have fun sex? Can I have adventure, adventurous sex? Can I have kinky sex without it? And it comes back again to finding your tribe and finding the people that you want to actually be that way. Without the drugs. And that's one of the hardest things to do as gay men, I think, is that communication with other gay men as to what we really need and what we want. And so, you know, with drugs, I was one person and without I am kind of the same person, but better and safer and, and more open, more fun, way more fun, sober than I was. Drunk. I'm not crying. Anyone's lap anymore. It's great. Like, you know, like you're not walking in a scene of like, you know, like Lord of the rings, like Gollum, like huddled over a glass pipe as you're just like trying to it's it's it's it can only, it only gets better once you put that shit down. Yeah,

Steve: 15:36

certainly I can agree now. If you can give one piece of advice to someone who is sober, curious, or newly sober, what would that be?

Dave: 15:46

Like 100%. Cause here's the thing I get. Like I was saying earlier, I get approached all the time and it's one of those things where if I didn't ask for help and I didn't put myself out there and I didn't be honest with myself, my family, my friends, my, you know, all those people, I wouldn't have started the process of, of getting sober. And you asking for help as a man is really hard. I were taught to be. You know, strong and, you know, don't read the fucking directions. Like don't, you know, whatever, like it's, you have to, you can't do this alone. You cannot do. You can't go through these, these traumatic events and these, and these things and not have someone's handhold. It's, it's impossible. And to, and the first time I did this, that's what I did. I was like, I can get to this on my own. If I, especially going back to gymnastics, it's like, gymnastics is very like, it's your individual sport. You're up on the floor by yourself. And you have to rely on all the things you've learned and all the things you've done in the past to perform at this exact moment. And I applied that to my sobriety. The first time I said to stand here, I have to do this and I don't need anyone's help. I'm just going to rely on myself and that doesn't, and that didn't work. And so this time it was, I sat there and I told myself I have to do it completely different. Always ask for help. That's that's the number one thing you can do. And without it you're, you're done. It's not going to work.

Steve: 17:21

Yeah, I can agree with that. I feel like connection's been so important to my sobriety. I definitely can't imagine trying to do it.

Dave: 17:30

And it's a pride thing. Like I'm bright, you know, it's almost like, Hey, look what I did by myself. I won on my own. It's a weird prideful tendency that I have. And I think a lot of people have, it's like, it's it. Doesn't, it's just, it takes too much. It's too lonely at th at doing it that way. And then the littlest problem, you can't talk it out with someone, the littlest setback. If it's all, if you're on your own, it's all your fault. And if you have a small step back, you can lean on the people that are there to make sure you're get back up.

Steve: 18:03

Yeah, for sure. And I mean, in addition to connection and finding that, you know, tribe, what are some other things you do in your daily life to help keep you sober?

Dave: 18:11

So I, one of the things, so I, I work with a personal therapist a and N a for me is an ineffective way. Personally for me to get to get and stay sober. It's just my personal experience. I know that there's a lot of different, a lot of conflicting opinions on that. For me, it was just too it was just too, it was part of my punishment in the beginning of my, when I got my DUI. So there was like that association with it, but also the meetings that I would go to it just, I feel like we'd be sending around. Telling drinking stories and telling the, the terrible things that went on in our lives. And for me, I needed to realize I needed to figure out why it started and where it started. And that way I can work with the demons and the trauma and the, the mental illness that I was experiencing. So I could heal myself and be confident in myself to go forward sober instead of just like continuously beating myself over the head, being like, remember this time you. You know, you rent winter, Christmas, and of that time you, that, that, that, that, like, that's not, that's not helpful for my sobriety, for my, my mental health. That's not helpful. So for me, I went to see a personal therapist and we did, we started the very beginning of my earliest memory and we tried to literally write my entire life down. And from the very beginning, we worked through every little thing that, you know, that led to picking up and continuously using. And the first place. So that's one thing I do for sure. That's super, super helpful. And then I, you know, I also like I go to the gym and I take, I take the, I D I do a lot of like good coping. My, I have a lot of good coping mechanisms. I do art. I go to the gym you know, I, I, I keep myself busy as possible, but also. Maintaining that kind of like work-life balance of not going too crazy. Cause then we can tire ourselves out and make bad choices. So good coping mechanisms. I always tell people that that are coming into new sobriety. It's like find stuff that like you love to do no matter what. And that way, if you feel like you're getting stressed, you turn to your reading, you turn, I'm not a reader, but you know, I I'll turn to my painting. I'll turn to, you know, the gym. I'll turn to my friends. I'll turn to going out dancing. I'll turn to the things that really make me happy and really fulfill me in that way. You avoid a relapse from early and that way you don't have to be white knuckling it. Oh my God. I want to use, I want to use, I want to use you try to. Just changed the trajectory of how you're feeling by filling your life with things that are good for you and, and make you feel good, no matter what it is.

Steve: 20:58

Yeah, I guess it's great. Certainly great advice now, as as people in recovery, no matter how we get or stay sober, we typically tend to love our traditions and sayings and mantras and quotes. Do you have a quote that you like to try and live by?

Dave: 21:12

I I, what I, I did this thing for awhile at the beginning, especially when I was coming up on my, my one year was I would tell myself, no, I don't do that anymore. And one of them, and I had three, three main things is I don't do FOMO. I don't rush and I don't stress. I just don't do that anymore. And so what I would just, before I could feel myself getting worked up about something, I could feel myself rushing up the door. I could feel myself throwing something through Instagram and being like, oh, there, you know, these guys went out that night and I decided not to, I must've missed out. I just stopped myself. So I don't do that anymore. One of the things that my boss actually, who's not sober, but he he's like, what does Mr. Dave say? He says, I don't do that anymore. So that's definitely, my thing is I don't do that anymore. I like that. Thank you.

Steve: 22:03

And if people are interested in following you on Instagram and watching you recover out loud, how would they find you?

Dave: 22:09

So I'm on Instagram. I'm Jim, Dave, 85. It's G Y M D a V E 85. And then yeah, that's, that seems for him to follow me. Some people are like, and the gym is for gymnastics. It's not lifting gym. I'm not a total douche bag.

Steve: 22:28

Excellent. Well, I'll be sure to add that into the show notes so that people can go over and find you from there. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for being on. David's been a pleasure and thank you listeners for listening to another episode of gay, please rate and review. If you've found this information. While you're following Dave on Instagram, you can also follow us at gay a podcast, or email me directly at gay podcast, edgy gmail.com and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening. So you get these new episodes whenever they come out, which is almost definitely, always every Monday and Thursday. And until next time stay sober friends.