Sober Gay Sunday ft. Dave #160

Steve welcomes back one of his most popular guests, Dave, to discuss embracing and creating a sober community. Topics covered include:

• Connecting with a sober queer community, in real life or virtual.
• Creating events and a community, whether you are near a big city or the middle of nowhere.
• How Sober Gay Sunday started and became one of Boston's hottest social groups.
• How Sober Gay Sunday turned into a podcast, and how podcast has affected both of our recovery journeys.
• And much more!

Check out our Patreon page for our Post-Show, now featuring video and the Topic Wheel and follow us wherever you are listening to get new episodes every Thursday!

Listen to Sober Gay Sundays wherever you find this podcast!

Follow Dave at @gymdave85 and @sobergaysunday, and us @gayapodast on all the socials!

Until next time, stay sober friends!

Transcript

Steve: 0:03

Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay A, a podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett Martin. I am an alcoholic and addict, and I am grateful for my recent opportunity to receive my Life Coach certification. As of this recording, I am 847 days sober, and today we're welcoming back friend of the pod, David, to talk about sober gay Sundays. Welcome back, David.

Dave: 0:27

Hello. How are you? Good to be back. Yes.

Steve: 0:30

And I'm sure that many listeners remember you from your multiple previous episodes, but why don't you reintroduce yourself or introduce yourself to newer listeners?

Dave: 0:39

So I'm Dave. I'm from Boston, Massachusetts. I'm 37 years old. As a recording of this, I have three years of sobriety and I'm a gymnastics coach full time and I run an organization here in Boston called Sober Gay Sunday. Excellent.

Steve: 0:54

Yes. And we will jump more into Sober Gay Sundays in a moment. Now Dave, I've heard in the room that connection's the opposite of addiction. How has your experience been with connecting with other alcoholics been like for

Dave: 1:06

you? So it's been really amazing. My first year of sobriety the first summer I was sober, back in 2021. I connected with a whole bunch of amazing, strong, sober gay men in Boston, in P Town, and in Fire Island, and it was one of those things where it was such a fantastic foundation to start this journey. They were so successful in everything that they do, and they were so confident, and we were able to, like, do everything that we had done before. Going out. You know, being around big groups of gay people, you know, clubs, bars, all the things that you would have done normally, but we were all sober. And towards the end of that terse summer, I realized I was like, I need to bring this back home to Boston and make an organization of guys that just get together and have fun. Just being sober, strong men and people in the queer community. Yeah. I didn't. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Steve: 2:14

And were you always the social and outgoing because I see you on social media and you're always doing something and even your first year sober, I talked to so many people that are trying to almost like hide in their homes while they readjust to life sober, but you were out and about right away. Have you always been

Dave: 2:31

outgoing like that? I've been pretty outgoing. Yeah. For a long time, of course, it was fueled by alcohol and drugs. So I was like the life of the party with, you know, all my craziness. But as soon as I hit the ground running with my sobriety in 2020, when I first got sober I knew I had to reset myself. And so one of the first things I did was join the kickball league here in Boston, cause I just needed an activity that we could do during COVID that was social. And I knew that. Without the support and the foundation of a good community, I was never going to be a successful sober person. So from the, from the jump, it was like really about connection.

Steve: 3:10

Yeah, and it's been amazing watching your journey of creating Sober Gay Sunday unfold and start, but how did you start something? You know, a lot of times people almost get paralyzed by the idea of like how it begins because they can imagine what it will look like one day, but like how did you get from the vision to the reality?

Dave: 3:29

So I, I, I'm, I'm an elder millennial and so social media has been a part of my adult life. And I had a pretty decent following on Instagram and I, and on Facebook, and I literally just like started posting, I was like, who's sober in the Boston area that wants to hang out, essentially. And I just then started, I got like an email address, I got a Facebook group, I started all the little things to just get people connected. And so. using my platforms on social media was, the

Steve: 4:08

biggest changes or like the takeaways from your sober gay Sundays in your recovery?

Dave: 4:13

So it's been instrumental in my recovery. it's my proudest achievement as a sober person. One of the other things that was kind of like a little an interesting side effect of it was the fact that the sober community was of course a buzz about it. Cause it's fun. And we're doing things like axe throwing and the beach and, and all these cool things. But it was the gay community in Boston outside of the sober community coming together to like help me out finding people to join my group. So like I'd go out to one of the tea dances here in Boston and everyone would be like talking about my sober group. And it was such an interesting thing to like, I knew that the sober community was. was talking about it, but I didn't realize that the rest of the city was also like, Oh, have you heard about Dave Becker's group? Oh, have you heard about Dave Becker's group? Like, it was really interesting. It was really cool. I was really, really proud of that too. Excellent.

Steve: 5:07

And now it is not just a hangout, but it's a podcast as well. How did that get started?

Dave: 5:13

So my Some of the first things I did when I got sober was to listen to podcasts. So when that, again, I got, I, so my sober date is July 5th, 2020 dead center of the pandemic, like I had mentioned before I joined kickball and we were outside with masks on, like it was still like that time. And so going to meetings wasn't really a thing. The zoom meetings was happening. And so I figured I would just kind of listen to other people's stories. And so I listened to the Sober Gay podcast. I listened to Seltzer Squad, which is two girls from New York. And so I was always, that was always part of my journey. And I really wanted to join that, that kind of group of people doing podcasts. And of course, yours too, coming, coming down. And being on that was a big inspiration for me also. Oh, excellent.

Steve: 6:12

Well, how has podcasting changed or shaped your recovery?

Dave: 6:18

So it's again, just, just like Sober Gay Sunday, as soon as the idea of a podcast and a bunch of gay guys here, there's a podcast that can be on, people get pumped, people get excited. So it was really good to kind of, again, get people just jazzed about something new, but also for me, it was just a way to listen to everyone's stories. I'd see the connections of my own that I saw, like really making that connection with people's journeys, experiences. It's also fascinating as kind of like from a psychological, like science side of like this, the, the brains of, of, of addicts and what correlations happen, what similarities you see. And especially for gay men, there's a, there's a, there's a lot of overlap with stories. There's a lot of overlap with experiences over a lot of overlap with trauma. And so it's really been interesting just to kind of like step back and look at sobriety as a whole and really learn a lot about everyone's experience. And that makes my experience feel like part of a community. Yeah, I can

Steve: 7:23

certainly relate. I know that podcasting as well as just. media and zoom meetings has kind of expanded my recovery world outside of what normally would be in my geographic area. But I also remember like how heavy that phone felt at first, whether it was like picking it up to text someone or reaching out to someone like, do you have any advice for people who might not naturally be comfortable picking up the phone and calling someone?

Dave: 7:49

So it's one of those things where in regards to like podcasting, the, the few episodes that I've started have been allowing people to tell their stories. So it's mostly listening, but if you don't pick up the phone in general in sobriety and, and, and reach out, then you're just stuck in a corner by yourself. It's only gonna get better with other people in your corner. I could never have be, have been where I am in doing what I am now without some like rock solid people who just. Scooped me up and set me on a path to be better and healthier and safer. So it's one of those, I mean, I'm, I coached gymnastics for a living too. So I ran into this kind of like, how do you get kids and how do you get athletes to do stuff that's terrifying? And it's one of those things you just have to talk to yourself in a kind way. And just. Go and just do it, just jump, like the worst thing anyone's going to say is no, and then you move on because there's a line behind them of people that'll say yes.

Steve: 8:49

For sure. I also know that connecting with other people helped me because I used to think that I was so alone because I was so terminally unique that I was the only one dealing with all of these things. struggles and issues and I was the only one clever enough to try and like hide my empty liquor bottles in the cabinet so like my spouse didn't find them but like did you ever have like before getting sober that terminal uniqueness and has like finding out that there are people like you've been helpful

Dave: 9:16

so finding out that it's it's it's interesting for me because when I first got about Oh my god, we're going on 10 years ago now. I had gotten sober for a few years and was, it was, I got into some legal trouble. So as punishment for my two DUIs, so like for my DUI punishment, AA was required. So back then, listening to people tell their stories, it was not helpful because people were there. There was some insane stories happening and I hadn't done a lot of that stuff as far as wrecking cars or losing jobs or so I felt like I was like, well, this isn't my story because I'm not this person. And so in talking to other people and in this time around taking my sobriety so much more seriously, it's, it's more so a finding out where you settle in the spectrum of experiences and realizing that every single person's experience is valid, unique, and, and, and true. It's some of my, the people that I've interviewed on the pod, my podcast. It's very simple. It's like I was being crazy person. So I stopped and then I have the other end of the spectrum. It was like I went to jail for this many years and I did this and I lost that and I broke that and I flipped this. And so you find out that like everyone's experience is just it's a huge range. And so when you find out all of that and you really listen, you're like, I do fit in here. It's just my, my story, my story.

Steve: 10:59

Excellent. And I know that you mentioned like you're blessed like being part of a larger area where big events happen. But if someone was like living in the middle of nowhere in a smaller town or suburb, how would you give them advice on connecting to a community there? Or how would they connect with other

Dave: 11:16

people? And I think when you, when you get into an area like that, or somewhere that's a little more outside of a city, or it's really a small town. You, you have to, you kind of have to like find a you can't be so specific of your, of your recovery group. My group is like mostly gay men. It's all gay men from Boston. Boom. It's very, very unique. It's very like a small little niche spot, but I'm able to do that because of how many people are in my area. When you're in a small town, like just finding a couple of people even that you can relate to. Is instrumental. It's huge that you're not alone moment you have with another addict is one of the most enlightening. I think parts of sobriety is someone doesn't matter what who they are. Someone just looking you in the face and saying, I, this is me too is. is huge. So you just have to kind of like find your chapters of AA or again, like I did social media pop it up who's in Appleton, Wisconsin, that is, you know, sober, you're gonna find somebody that the internet is wild.

Steve: 12:38

Yes, yes, it's wild and wild ways but it can be wild and helpful ways to exactly. Yeah. And that also made me think about like I know that oftentimes. working in programs, people are very picky about who they want to be paired up with as a, we'll call it a mentor. Not so that we're not taking words from there, but that they want someone who's X, Y, Z. And it's kind of like that with social aspects. A lot of times, if you identify as, you know, a cis white lesbian, you want to be with like people that are like you, but I think that part of it is being able to open it up and be like, well, just because you know, I'm a gay man, doesn't mean that I need to make a gay men's group. If I'm in this area where there's only two of us that like maybe having queer people and opening up to the whole spectrum or opening up to sober people, like you can still connect to people. You don't have to have everything in common to be able to find something you can come identify with.

Dave: 13:31

Exactly. Yeah. And that's the same thing. you're going to have to just cast a wider net there. We're all out there. And I'm always shocked in even in the Boston area that people are in groups that I wouldn't think would have a sober person. And like a good example is like, I go, I still go out to the clubs here in Boston. I consider myself a reformed circuit boy and every little sober, every little group of circuit guys in Boston have one, two or three people that they like. You know, or bopping on the dance floor and they go, whoop, like, oh, he's sober. You should, you should be friends, you should talk. And so you'd be surprised where you find it. And do you

Steve: 14:12

have any other advice for people struggling with their recovery in general?

Dave: 14:17

Again, I think it's for a good piece of advice for someone that's struggling is to find that companionship, find that friend, find that person you can really rely on to talk to about your, about your struggles. Community and, and the people that support you are just so important and it is scary to ask for help. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.

Steve: 14:44

That's great advice. When was the last time that you asked for help?

Dave: 14:49

So I'm seeing someone right now. And one thing that is really great about our relationship is that we are both sober and we are extremely forthright with our journeys and our, our triggers and, and the things and the mindsets that we have that kind of lead us towards. Kind of down a darker path, so he really has been helpful for me to be, you know, I will be trying to plan something and he's coming up to Boston to see me. And I'm always a little bit concerned about being like. Annoying or difficult about my schedule at work, interfering with my time with him and I sit with him and I say, this has been a problem in the past and it gives me stress. And then the stress leads to anxiety and anxiety leads to loneliness and shutting down. And so it's this very kind of like linear conversation about what, what's going on between us and know what's going on in my head. So he can better understand what's going on. So I think for sure him, he's definitely been really helpful in kind of managing that. That kind of path and that those dominoes before they fall.

Steve: 16:00

And, again, Sober Day Sundays, I'm sure, is on all the podcasting platforms?

Dave: 16:07

It is, yeah, it's everywhere, it's, I, I use a, a program that sends it out. It's on Amazon, it's on Amazon. I was like, what? Like, I was literally on Amazon shopping for like glitter the other day. And I was like, I wonder if I'm on here and there it was. There you go.

Steve: 16:25

Oh, cool. Oh, who would you say are one or two of your dream guests that like you haven't had on yet but like maybe sober celebrities or sober Instagram famous people that you would love to interview?

Dave: 16:36

I think for sure, I think about this and it gives me stress because I'm like, I couldn't even imagine you think this little microphone incident we just had off of, you know, off, off record was stressful. I can't even imagine, like, I would love just, but if, if I, if I didn't, I could manage my stress about it. RuPaul would be great. And here's why, is because there's a moment, I think it was All Stars 5 when Jujubee was on, and Jujubee is also sober. Jujubee is a friend of mine. She's from Boston. I've known her since I was 16 years old. And there was a moment during her little tic tac interview where RuPaul gets emotional talking about exactly what we're talking about right now, which is The foundation and the friends and the people that have been there for him during his sobriety and during his journey, like full breakdown, fully crying. And I, of course, which makes me cry and it's like, oh my God, like, so I think that would be just an unbelievable kind of connection and moment would be to interview RuPaul. You know,

Steve: 17:49

stressful. Yeah. No, I can imagine. I had the opportunity in March to interview Marc Jacobs on stage for the Gay and Cyber Men's Conference. And it was like an amazing experience that everyone's like, is he going to be on the podcast? I'm not ready, like for that level of stress and right. It was a lot, but it was amazing, but yeah, not something I don't want to have a celebrities on every week. There's just like a certain pressure with like having that.

Dave: 18:13

Right. And I think I would definitely, if I, cause that's, I mean, inevitably, I think both of us having podcasts would love to kind of move into that like bigger realm and you just kind of start lower on the kind of like, you wouldn't go super high celebrity, like, again, Jujubee would be great to have on for, for me, cause I've known her since I was 16, like, and that would be a good kind of in I was I was hanging out with Miss Cracker this summer so she, she would also be a good one to kind of like get your feet wet to people that have a big platform, but are more closer to your community, a little more relatable, a little less scary.

Steve: 18:46

Yes. Excellent. That is wonderful advice for any other people listening that also podcast, right? Excellent. And if someone wants to be part of sober gay Sundays in your area, what are the best ways to follow you or get

Dave: 19:00

involved? Best way is to DM me on Instagram. Sober Gay Sunday is on Instagram, at Sober Gay Sunday. That's, that's kind of where most of it comes in. My, my Facebook group is to try to keep my my local guys organized. So the Instagram is really kind of like the one place that's like really good to just DM. And that's where most of my connections come from for podcasting and for people in my area who want to join my group.

Steve: 19:25

Excellent. And if someone wants to follow you in general, where would they

Dave: 19:29

find you? So my personal page is jimdave85 on Instagram. And you can usually find me through like Sober Gay Sunday. I'm like tagged and stuff. But that's that's my kind of my My gay Instagram.

Steve: 19:45

Excellent. Sounds good. Well, thank you so much for coming on again. It's always a

Dave: 19:49

pleasure. Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me.

Steve: 19:52

Yes. And podcast family, thank you for tuning in to another episode of Gay A Podcast. Make sure you follow Dave and me wherever you're listening and following on socials. And until next time, stay sober, friends.