One Day at a Time ft. Elsa #33

Steve welcomes Elsa to share her experience, wisdom, and hope with you, along with her advice on getting and staying sober.


Thank you for listening. Please rate and review if you have found this information helpful.

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com, 

Or Follow Us wherever you are listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. Until that time, stay sober, friends!

Transcript

Steve: 0:02

Hi everyone. And welcome to Gaye. A podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennett, Martin. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful for my family. As of this recording, I am 181 days sober, and today we are welcoming a guest to the show to share their experience, wisdom and hope with you. Welcome to the show.

Elsa: 0:24

Hi, Steve. Thank you for

Steve: 0:25

having me. Thank you. It's been a pleasure getting to know you these past six months almost of sobriety, but for our listeners. Can you share a little bit about who you are?

Elsa: 0:36

Of course. Yeah. So my name is Elsa and I am based in New York city, but born and raised in Sweden. I have been to this day, sober 228 days, and I am 35 years old.

Steve: 0:51

Congratulations. And so to get to know you a little bit better, can you share what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like?

Elsa: 1:00

Yeah, of course. Thank you. So. I am an alcoholic and alcoholism is a disease. And I believe I was born with this disease. My mother was an alcoholic and my grandmother is an alcoholic and my disease progressed pretty fast. Later I would say my late twenties. Always been in my adult life, been drinking, but again, as I said, it progressed really fast, but as I said earlier, born and raised in Sweden, I grew up on a farm, very, very idyllic, or how you stayed with cows bunnies and cats. And my parents were, my mom was a nurse. My dad was in the army, but they also, you know, raise the. Including me and my brother on this farm, but they got divorced when I was around seven and it wasn't really traumatic for me. What was traumatic was that my mom was very, very ill at my, my entire life and almost her entire life. And she self-medicated with alcohol and my mom was never. I remember seeing her drunk once that was 1996 when we lived in Israel. So our last night before moving back to Sweden, she had a couple of too many strong gin and tonics, as she said it, but I never had any trauma seeing my parents being drunk or doing. Causing any problems in front of us or fighting, or, you know, those things that you can, that you can really remember and see, but. She was sick. She had a very rare skeleton disease that took her life. So the alcoholism did not take her life. So when when I was growing up in my I'm trying to think of what school would that be like before high school? I was very sad and very lonely because I was scared of her, her dying. And it was very, very sad now going back. And it took a lot of therapy for me in my adulthood to process it, but I could go in and listen to her breathing at night. I had horrible nightmares and this continued for a very, very long time. And. I had my first drink when I was 13 and it was in Sweden. It's very, very young, but in Sweden, that was, I don't know, wouldn't say normal, but we tried some whiskey. I think we were drunk or something, but it never really stuck to me as an, I never felt that this is so cool or this is how it is to be drunk. It was more something, you know, I was hanging out with the cool kids. They did it, I did it, but I was always responsible because. I needed to come home to mom to check that, see what she was alive. And I starting, I guess this would be like high school. I finally let go and understood that she was going to die. And again, she was drinking. I knew it, you know, I know there was wine in her little seltzer glass and I could find bottles. And, but again, she's never really acted drunk. There was a couple of times I remember being frustrated more about. I don't. I remember I came in to her room once and I could see that she had she had wet herself and it was just more, I said, mom, are you okay? And she said, oh, I just spilled something. And I guess I started to realize that, you know, she had two diseases and it's, this is really bad, but, and then you wonder where's the dad? Well, that's another podcast. But I, again, I par partied like a normal what is normal, but yeah, I drank on the weekends. I was 18 at the time just finishing high school and I was graduated and I started to work at a bar in a local bar and nightclub, and it was cool. You know, I got to hang out with the cool kids, all my friends partied there, but it was, again, we never drank at the job. It was always very. How do I say this? It was an organized workspace, so to stay, if that makes sense. But I started getting really interested in the alcohol industry, as in what is wine? What is beer? What is liquor? And I started being really good in hospitality. I loved serving. I love bartending and this. Took me to stock on the capital of Sweden. I had the fantastic opportunity and starting to work with some of Sweden's best bartenders. They took me under their wings and they, they taught me everything, which is absolutely amazing and still partying. We're probably considered normal. We did not drink on the job. That was very, very, very forbidden. And if you compare to, I mean, maybe the states or other countries in the world where you have. It's normal. You're a bartender. You drink on your shift, but we didn't do that. Pardon? On the weekends or our weekends, which would be Sundays and Mondays. So. I started getting really good at what I did. I opened multiple successful bars. I started traveling a lot. I started winning competitions. I got to work with some of the best bartenders chefs. In the world. I got exposed to these amazing wines and spirits and the world was my oyster. I won competitions. I went to Cuba, I went to London, I went all over the place. I went back and forth to New York, San Francisco, Chicago, new Orleans. And I was like, wow, I'm really good at what I do. And everyone is drinking. So, so am I. Well, we drank the good stuff, right? Yeah, we did shots. Yeah. We drank this and, but he was kind of like justified because we drank a$250 bottle of wine. Right. And it was about 2013 when I realized that a hair of the dog feels pretty good. Writing takes away that. It takes away that hangover a little bit. And that started to become a habit of mine. And I kind of felt very embarrassed, but, you know, Hey, we're bartenders, this is what we do. And you know, I was traveling and it's okay when you were abroad. And then I had multiple periods in my life. At that time when I was like not drinking for three months, And I was drinking for only two weeks or only drinking once a week. But then I moved to New York cause I got a really good job here. And it was before that, just six months before that, when I really started to, oh my God, I am drinking a lot. I'm drinking every day. I'm not being, I'm not shit faced. I'm not blackout drunk, but I am, I needed alcohol to function and I needed to. Function because I was moving to New York. I was going to start my new life and I had a partner at the time and he was questioning it a little bit, but I was like, Hey, listen, stop. I'm moving to New York. I'm stressed. I need to do this. And I moved to New York and as bill w says it, I felt like I had arrived and everything that I did was okay. Because I could drink, you know, everyone here was drinking and I had an excuse to drink all the time because I was, I just moved and I blamed the stress and we had now come to a point where I was starting to feel ton of like this creeping voice that I'm like, something is definitely wrong. And I started drinking before work, again, not to get shit faced or to blackout drunk, but I needed to function. And it came to a point where I got a warning at work and they were very, very that's the only warning I've ever gotten, but they were concerned. And I wasn't the only one, but I took it really hard. And but all I could think about was when can I. And my partner left me or, I mean, I made him break up with me, but I knew why, because I don't think it was because of that. I think he was worried and he was just too scared to handle it. I started a new job that was more corporate and I was like, yes, this is it. I can finally take care of my alcohol. And I knew then that I was an alcoholic and I can stop drinking. I can, you know, no drinks the days I'm not working. Cause I still work with alcohol. And I started drinking more cause I was working from home and I got really sick just before the pandemic I was in the hospital. And I was so skinny at the time. My eyes were so yellow and I was so tired that at the hospital, I didn't even know that I went into detox. Cause I had fallen at the airport because my legs couldn't carry me anymore. And I thought I was there because I hit my knee, but I was so tired and so beaten that I did not even understand that I was there for a full on detox. And I got out and I met with the doctors and they said, Elsa, you. You have a problem, but they never mentioned the word like alcoholic. They only said you drink too much or your liver looks like that and this, and they said, you're going to, you're not going to drink more like, right. You know? And I said, no, no, no, no more drinking. And no one mentioned that. Any program, no AA or anything. And I guess this is, you know, Hey, I'm an alcoholic. I mix, I make, I make excuses for everything. So I I'm very much blamed my, my relapse from that amongst later on. Oh, I didn't know. You know, they didn't say anything. I thought I could drink after a month, but you know, pandemic happen. I didn't lose my job. But the pandemic made it just easy. To drink, but I knew I had to stop. So during the pandemic I was on and off drinking sober or dry drunk guests, we say in two weeks and drinking for two weeks. And I, majority of my family and friends thought I was so. But I wasn't, because it was so easy to hide cause we were drinking from home and it came to a point where in November of 2020, actually just before Thanksgiving, I couldn't do it anymore. I powerless over alcohol. 100%. I can do this. So I I called the rehab center and I went to rehab and due to COVID. And I had a fever, so they thought I had COVID so I had to go to the hospital, so I couldn't finish the rehab. Couldn't go back. So I didn't get the help again, that I needed. Again, I'm an alcoholic. I love blaming other people for my own problems. Right. So I relapsed just before Christmas, last year, and then it took a couple of more months and then April 11th. Of this year, I saw a friend of mine who was also sober and in the program, she had just been sober a month and I said, I want what she has. So I called her and I said I want what you have, how do I do that? And she had just said, I'm so glad you called it. And she basically took me from there and she showed me how zoom AA made him works. And she said, just take it one day at a time. But that's how my, a journey started. And I am sober one day at a time today.

Steve: 12:59

Yeah. Excellent. And what are some of the positive change has been in your life now that you are.

Elsa: 13:05

Well, my eyes are not yellow anymore. The positive things is there are many of them, but definitely that I am not, I don't feel guilty anymore. And that was a huge thing for me, because I constantly felt this rotten feeling of guilt and shame. And I'm not saying that everything I did. Just because now I joined a program that doesn't justify what I did and the people that I heard when I was drinking, but it's a step forward using the tools. So I am healthier. I make healthy choices when it comes to the people that I talk to. The people that I don't talk to, I make healthy choices for my friends and my families, I make, I think. That's a good thing. I pause and I ask other alcoholics. I asked my sponsor before I do things and I am so much more happy and I want to live and to do another wonderful a quote, which is how free do you want to be?

Steve: 14:19

Yeah, and that's great and beautiful. Now, now that you're sober. If you could imagine for a moment that you came face to face with your past self in a moment of your active addiction of what would you tell your past self?

Elsa: 14:33

Oh my God, this is going to sound very morbid, but no, one's going to give a liver to an alcoholic. Not really, but I was very bad physically and that's also, I feel something that's very important to understand that we all work both spiritually and physically different, right. We're different. And some people can drink actively for 40 years and be completely fine. And some people can drink for five years and not be fine. And for me, I I'd like to say that Elsa, your, your body is physically breaking down. And you were also now starting to hurt people around you. And I would also say you deserve to be loved.

Steve: 15:27

Yes, you certainly do. And how would you say that your sexuality played a role in your addiction and your recovery?

Elsa: 15:38

That's a really good question. I. My, I mean, I, I identify as she, her and have since, since day one, I was gonna say, but I came out I'm pansexual. So I came out when I was I got 16 and I think I've always struggled with accepting myself. What kind of queer I am. And I don't know how it was, but this is, I guess the early two thousands things have changed now, but I have learned to accept my queerness if it's very, if it's a lot of queerness or just little queerness it's okay. And I've learned that getting sober, using a lot of the tools we get in the program, I also have opened up more. About my sexuality, because I decided that I need to be honest with myself enabled to be honest with other people. And also it's okay. Not to know every day. And when I was drinking, I, I felt like I had to overexplain my sexuality a lot because I guess I was probably overthinking. But now sober. I don't have to overexplain it. It's okay to just say that I am El and I'm pansexual and I identify as she, her like that's enough. And if people ask questions that I don't want to answer, it's okay to kindly say no. And sobriety has taught me that.

Steve: 17:18

Yeah, that's great. I know we were just in a meeting the other night talking about like how with some people, like either don't share enough when like they like come out as alcoholic or whatever, and like hi or the opposite of like verbal diarrhea. And so I can see how that could kind of translate to, you know, sexuality as well as just it's hard learning what you like, what you feel comfortable sharing with other people as you're figuring it out yourself. Now in your sobriety, what would you say some of the biggest obstacles that you faced

Elsa: 17:51

in sobriety? One of the obstacles that I deal with every day is that I feel that I do not know what I want to do with my life. I guess that's probably not just people that are sober, but I guess that's the million dollar question for everyone. What am I going to do with my life? But. I also, which is crazy that I work full time with alcohol. Like I am a certified, a whiskey expert. I'm a Gavi expert. I am a sommelier and a Cicero and, and but that's another, that's an, that's another podcast. But I what was the question, Steve?

Steve: 18:32

What are some of the biggest obstacles that you face in your sobriety and like, how do you work towards overcoming.

Elsa: 18:37

Yes. So some of the biggest obstacles is waking up every day, not knowing what I want to do with my life, and also trying to plan my day because I have to make room for AA because if I don't do that, I am not going to stay sober. And if I don't stay sober, I'll lose everything. And it sounds very silly that, oh, I have to plan my day around my meetings, but lemming, Hey, that's what we do. Right. We go to meetings, we share, we talk to fellows, we talk to our sponsors, we work the steps, and that means that I'm going to have to take one, two, maybe sometimes three to four hours a day. To do that. And it sounds like a silly obstacle, but living in New York city, one of the craziest cities in the world where just the commute somewhere is two hours and you're going five blocks. Kidding, but that's definitely an obstacle. And it's an obstacle as well to having to explain yourself all the time. I would just crazy. I work with alcohol. And I also work in a very accepting industry where so many of my friends are sober. A lot of them are alcoholics and they work in this industry and they are sober. We have a great sober community in hospitality here in New York, but also people that have just chosen to not drink anymore, which is amazing. And no one is the questioning it, which is so incredible. And I've listened to so many other people in other industries and they, I mean, it could be art directors or nurses or whatever, and they're getting judged for not going out for a drink after work. And if I stay, no, no one cares in my job. They know I don't drink. So it's fine. But having to explain yourself for people that you don't know. And you'd just maybe randomly met or something and people actually do so what are, you know, Golic or something, you know, I think we've all been there.

Steve: 20:48

Yes. And that's when I answer used to be like, yes. And let me tell you all of the reasons why, and now I'm just learning to just say yes and leave it up there. Now, if you can give one piece of advice to someone who is sober, curious, or newly sober, what would it be?

Elsa: 21:07

90 meetings in 90 days, baby. Yeah. Josiah, no, seriously. It's 90 days of your life. One meeting every day. You do that and you don't drink. Try it, try it. And you just commit to 90 meetings in 90 days. Yeah. That's all you gotta do. Try it and be open. And I think you can see pretty fast. How, what that will do for you, even if it's good or bad, and maybe we'll notice after two days, oh shit, I have a problem. Well, amazing. You stay in those 90 days. And even if you feel like, oh, I think I'm actually fine. We'll stay those 90 days, you know, it's 90 days of your life. Right. So I'll say that and also ask questions to other alcoholics and listen, and yeah.

Steve: 21:57

Yeah. And when you're planning your daily life, what are some things that you add into it besides meetings that help you stay sober?

Elsa: 22:06

That's a really good question, Steve. I, for me, everyone's different, but I am a routine person. So if I do everything, almost everything that I do every day, some days it doesn't work. I stay sober because it's a routine and it's. Sobriety is new for me. I've never been sober this long before. I mean, I have, but that's my early twenties and it doesn't count because my disease had not progressed yet. So I'm not used to waking up sober every day. So what, what little I can do as in, I make my coffee, I drink my celery juice. I take my dog out. Those are great things for me. So that's what I do. And. Sleep listen to your body. And I certainly am still recovering for, from over a decade of lost sleep.

Steve: 23:05

Yeah. That's all great advice. And I know you've said one or two kind of, kind of sayings or quotes that we use in the rooms, but as alcoholics, since we really love our steps, traditions and sayings what's what would you say is your favorite one that you live.

Elsa: 23:21

well, it's, I wouldn't be a good alcoholic if I didn't say one day at a time, because I didn't really understand it at first, but I've learned that one day at a time, I have sober friends that use the one day at a time. Yeah. But if we're gonna, you know, take that aside. I do love be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.

Steve: 23:52

Yeah, that's great advice. I know that it's been a lesson to learn in my sobriety because I was my own worst enemy when I was in my active addiction. For sure.

Elsa: 24:03

Exactly. And we have put our bodies and souls through a lot of. So, if you want to have that extra piece of cake or sleep an hour extra, it's completely fine. And okay.

Steve: 24:18

Yes. And thank you so much, Elsa for joining us on the PAC podcast and helping me stay sober today.

Elsa: 24:26

Steve, thanks for having me and thanks for keeping me sober.

Steve: 24:29

Yes. And thank you listeners for listening. Please rate and review. If you found this information. If you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show or just saying hi, I love reading your emails so you can email me@gayapodcastatgmail.com and make sure you follow us wherever you're listening to get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. And until next time stay sober friends.