You Get Better ft. Brandy Joe #53

Steve welcomes Brandy Joe to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.

Follow Brandy Joe on Instagram @brandyjoeplamby and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast.

If you love horror movies also check out his podcast, Scaring is Sharing, @scaringissharing

Thank you for listening. Please rate and review if you have found this information helpful.

If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com

Or Follow Us wherever you are listening so you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. Until that time, stay sober, friends!

Transcript

Steve: 0:02

Hi everyone. And welcome to gay. A podcast about sobriety for the LGBT plus community and our allies. I'm your host, Steve Bennet-Martin. I am an alcoholic and I'm grateful for my upcoming trip to New York to see my sober family. As of this recording today, I am 234 days sober. And today we are welcoming, I guess, to share their experience, wisdom and hope with you. Welcome to the show. Brandy J.

Brandy Joe: 0:25

Hello, Steve. Thank you so much for having me. It's such an honor. Yes.

Steve: 0:30

It was a pleasure getting to meet you through Instagram and seeing how much we have in common. I'm really excited for this episode.

Brandy Joe: 0:37

I'm really excited to be here. And so grateful to have found your podcast. And you, I think you liked one of my posts, which had like a hashtag like scan sober or something like that. And that's how I found

Steve: 0:48

you. I show those so people can find me. It's perfect. And tell us a little bit more about who you are.

Brandy Joe: 0:56

Well, as you said, my name is Brandy Jo. I'm an addict and an alcoholic and fabulous as I think you said in one of your early episodes, which I loved my pronouns are he him? I live in Hazel park, Michigan, which is right outside of Detroit. I'm originally from Wyoming and Yeah, my husband and I married to a guy named Joe. He's amazing. I we've been together for 19 years next week and we own a little black box theater here in Ferndale, Michigan, which is the gayborhood of Detroit. It's called the Ringwald like Molly. And yeah, that's a little bit about me, I guess that is

Steve: 1:34

awesome. And to get to know you a little bit better than that, why don't you tell us about what your journey with alcohol and addiction was like?

Brandy Joe: 1:41

Sure. So it's been a fun one. So as of today I did a little sober calculator. As of today. I am 1,397 days. So bar, so that is like three years. And now. And some change I'm coming up on four years, March 22nd, 2018 is when I got sober when I decided to make that choice. So as I mentioned, I grew up in Wyoming. I had like, sort of an All-American family. My dad was a cop. My mom was a teacher. I had an older sister who was, you know, a star athlete. And I was like the theater kid who was like student body president. And, you know, I, I wasn't out yet. I, but I didn't struggle with that. It's like, I didn't, I mean, will and grace wasn't even on the air yet. Like, I didn't know. I didn't have any gay role models to look up to it. I don't fully just understand it myself, but I was always like the chubby best friend, like, like even to the girls that I had, like crushes on, which were really just like, you know, my best friends. Like, I just never dated anyone and I didn't straw. Like I didn't drink, I didn't do drugs. And then I went away to college in Colorado, the university of Northern Colorado, the bears, which is very funny now that I consider myself to be somewhat of a bear or like aspiring bear. But when I went to college, like I immediately started to explore my sexuality and came to terms with it fairly quickly, but it really was upon like going out to the gay bars, which there were certain ones we could go to as an 18 plus like on certain nights, but we would get really drunk before we'd go. Okay. Especially when you're young and just coming out and like a chubby little queeny gay boy, it can be somewhat difficult to feel at home in your own own skin. I mean, I always sort of struggled with that just as a person, no less. Like once I started to come out and want a relationship and things like that. So I really did find. Some, some ease when I would be drunk and go to the clubs, I could go out on the dance floor and let my inhibitions down. And so we would, we drink a lot and we'd go and we dance. And, but it was really like, my struggle really began when I found ecstasy my sophomore year of college. We'd go to this after hours club called Amsterdam. And we would do like two pills of ecstasy. We'd be up all night. And man, I, I not only let my inhibitions down, like I felt like like amazing and I, I just felt beautiful. I felt like I could be among all these hot shirtless sweaty guys and not like tear myself down, not like sit in the corner and like be sad and. And then I went away to Chicago after I finished college. And I lost my job. And shortly after that, I started doing crystal meth. And these were back in like the AOL days when you would go on like Chicago and for am. And and I started fooling around with crystal meth. I didn't have anything else to do with my time. And it just, it sort of intrigued me. Yeah. Wondering what this drug was all about. And I got wrapped up in it real fast and really just like went down a spiral. Like I just wasn't searching for anything good in my life. And I ran out of money. So I went home to Wyoming to sort of pull myself out of this hole. I didn't think I had it overall addiction issue. I just thought I needed to stop doing crystal meth. So I went home and sobered up. AKA just didn't do crystal meth for awhile. And. I was home for about six months. And then I went on the road doing this theatrical production and I met my husband and. And, and things were good. I was, I was a big old stoner. I smoked pot every single day, numerous times a day, but I thought I was somewhat of like a productive stoner and and life was great for a long time. For, you know, maybe 12 years or so, life was pretty good. I was just a big old stoner. I would drink when I, you know, we'd have parties. I was definitely like the person who at our theater, when we'd have parties, I'd close it down. I'd be there til it ended. But when I got into grad school, I helped someone out do a party once, like at, at our theater, like with like their deejaying equipment and stuff. And he gave me a handful of Adderall and as like payment, and I was like, what is this stuff? And I started taking a and before you knew it, I was a full on Adderall addict. I was in grad school and I was running our theater at the same time. And I just had so much to do that was sort of my original excuse was it helped me get a lot of things done. But I spent so much money on Adderall and that really turned into an, a sort of addiction where I wouldn't sleep. I mean, I would be up for days on end. I would, wouldn't eat very much. And. And, you know, I just sort of started to turn into a bit of a shell of the person that I once was. And people definitely started to notice. I also picked up a nasty gambling habit along the way. Like slot machines, not like going and like doing poker, I would like, but I lost so much money. Just that the casino just cause you'd be on Adderall, I'd be all hyped up on speed. And at the casino, it's like not a good combination. So this was my life for about five years, like struggling with Adderall and gambling was it got really bad. I started to sort of retreat away from my, my husband and my friends. And I would spend a lot of time alone, oftentimes like at our theater, because it was like my home away from home and I would just stay, stay there on hours on end. And I lost a job again. Once again, like before I sort of, I was on the apps and I got, I did crystal meth again, I got high with someone and it sort of just turned into this downward downward spiral once again with crystal meth. And I got pulled over at one point and I was driving a car that had plates from a previous vehicle I owned and the. Purchased, I had it registered and I had a warrant out for my arrest for unpaid parking tickets. And so they, they, they, they arrested me and then they found Adderall in the car, which is a felony. And. So my husband came and bailed me out of of jail that day. I didn't tell him about the Adderall. He just, it was all the other things. And that's like, I lost my car and that's when things just started to get really, really bad. And I did crystal a lot and I sort of stopped doing Adderall because I moved on to crystal meth and. Then one day, a couple of my friends after I woke up from a nap, I, I, I think I went seven days once without sleeping. And I woke up from, you know, like a crash and two friends came into the room and they were like, what's going on? And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And they're like, we know something is wrong. And like, we want to know, do you need help? And like a week before that, I just started to think to myself, I think you're in over your heads. Like I was still was like taking the bus down to the casino and spending like$20 that like I should have been saving for food or something. And I would be at the casino all night long, like chasing this high that I was chasing as well with like my crystal meth and my Adderall and trying to find these connections. And I was bogged down and, and money issues and bill collectors and all sorts of secrets that I have. And, you know, they asked me that and I, my first instinct was to say no, but I didn't say anything. And then I just said, yeah, I do. And one of my friends said, well, my brother has been to rehab a couple of times and I know a number and I will get it for you and we'll call and we'll get you set up. And two days later I was in a rehab facility. And I was there for two weeks. My second weekend there, my husband came to visit and I told him everything that was going on. He didn't know. He thought I was in there for pot, which was really cute. He just like, I just retreated so much. Like he just had no idea. Like I just, it just stayed away. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on with me. And I, I was in rehab for two weeks and I got out, they recommended 90 and 90. I had nothing else to do with my time, but focus on my recovery. I probably did 180 and 90, like I did. I went to two to three meetings a day and and life got better and I faced these demons. I came clean about things. I talked to my husband and my family about my addictions and. Life got better and continues to get better every day. And I'm just, I'm so grateful that I had friends who looked out for me and reached out to me. And and that I was honest enough with myself and desperate enough, like knowing how bad things were to say, yeah, I need help. And, and I'm grateful for that every day. And, and that's, and I'm not shy, kind of what my my story with my addictions and the beginning of my recovery.

Steve: 10:33

Yeah. And how would you say that your sexuality played a role in your addiction?

Brandy Joe: 10:39

Well, I mean, as I touched on the beginning, like so much of the original disc, like discovery of it was me not feeling comfortable in my own skin and finding some sort of solace and temporary monetary relief in being high and drunk. And that I, when I was. Fucked up. I was okay. And that is so fucked up. And I'm really grateful to now be able to just feel sexy and and comfortable in my own skin. And I mean, when I tell people that so many times people are like, what are you talking about? Like you come across as someone who's very confident in who they are. Okay. And that is the case sometimes, but when it comes to like relationships and sexuality, I I'm still that very that, that chubby gay kid who doesn't feel attractive. And so that's where, that's how it played a big part. I'm not saying like, if I hadn't come out, I wouldn't have struggled with addiction. It probably would have been worse, but it definitely. Was, and no one made me feel that way, but myself, I mean, surely like, so I don't blame anybody for it. And you know, I'm grateful to be where I am now and to feel more comfortable and confident, and it it's gotten better like every day and continues to get that way year after year. I'm a little bit surprised of how comfortable I am in my own skin again. And it feels really.

Steve: 12:04

Yeah. I mean, what's your sexuality and the, like the role on that been in your recovery, especially like being married. It's been interesting, like for me, at least like recovering, cause like I don't have to worry about like the dating sober, things like that, but I mean, it also comes with its own share of struggles being in the queer community, being so.

Brandy Joe: 12:21

It does. I mean, cause so many times if like you meet a new friend or whatever, they're like, let's go get drinks. And it's like, I mean, in the beginning I really couldn't do that. Like I couldn't go to a bar and be okay now I could go and get like a, you know, a sparkling water or whatever, and some French fries and feel fine. But, but in the beginning that was particularly tough because that is a big part of the gay community. Going out and drinking. And, and so that was particularly difficult in the beginning. For me, it was a lot about like I wanted to attend meetings that did focus a lot on. They didn't have to be full on gay meetings, but like really a lot of them were meetings and like the LGBTQ community center here, which is now where our theater is located. It's so weird. It's like the building I got sober in is now where our theater has moved into. So it's kind of fun to, to be like, wow, this, this building means a lot to me in so many ways. And now even more so. But I, I found it important to have gay friends in the community, especially when it comes to like the crystal meth addiction part. Like I do attend a CMA, crystal meth anonymous meeting periodically on when we have one here in Michigan and it meets twice a week. And so I try to get to it on Wednesday nights whenever I can. And, and that's been really important. Because while I go to a lot of AA meetings, because there are more of them, it feels good to be able to go into a meeting and talk about. The effects of like speed, because it is such a different experience. You don't have blackouts, you remember everything all too well. And, and it's just, it's nice to be able to explore both sides, but I'm really glad I gave up drinking and smoking pot as well, because I, I mean, I'm an addict. If I, if I just quit crystal meth, I would just rely on some of the other things so much more. And so, so I go to the gay groups and I have gay friends in recovery, and that is I think, a big part of how my sexuality plays into my. Sure.

Steve: 14:18

And what are some of the positive changes has been in your life now that you are sober?

Brandy Joe: 14:24

I mean, I have a really great job. I work at Ford and which is a place I never imagined. I'd where I did not think that Ford was for someone like me, AKA, a big old queen. I went to my job interview because I needed a job and it was like for a social media position and I had lots of experience there and. And I went to the interview, like, okay, whatever. But like I immediately felt at home and I got the job and I loved it and I continued to love it. I've been there three years next week, I think, like I got the job almost a year. Am I into my recovery? And it's like a big boy job. Like, it's so nice to have like full on benefits and great vacation. And, and I'm in recruiting. So it's like, I'm dealing a lot with like early career and it's just like, it's a very exciting invigorating. Career. And to know that I have like a true career is great than I'm making a difference in lives is also awesome. I, we also, we bought a house like about two years into my recovery, which is something I never thought I'd be able to do. Like I had horrible credit when I started to get sober. Like I didn't. Horrible. I had so much debt and I'm going, I still have student loan debt and now I have a mortgage, but like all the other debt I pull myself out of like in a year, which when you first start to get sober and you face some of those, like, oh my God, I have all these, this debt, which is was the case for me at any rate. It's like, how am I ever going to get through this? And, and you just chip away at a one every little bit at a time. And before you know it, you're beyond it and above it. And it's just such a great thing. So I own a house. I have a great job and I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been. And I think that those are like the big changes that I've had.

Steve: 16:06

Yeah. And in addition to all those positive changes with your career and your life, you also podcast, that's another thing we have in common. Can you tell us a little bit more about your podcast and while it's not recovery based like how it might or might not have been playing a role in your recovery?

Brandy Joe: 16:19

Sure. So the. I have a podcast called scaring and sharing. It's a horror movie podcast that I do with my friend, Jeremy, and he's the husband of one of my good friends that I went to grad school with. And he loves scary movies as well. And anytime we'd get together, we'd talk about them and. And his wife was like, you guys needed to do a podcast. So in the pandemic, we both got microphones and it was a great thing to start doing. So we did it. And my husband also has a podcast that I produced, which really just means I record it and edit it and publish it. But has this called three funny ladies? And on our podcast, scaring is sharing. I, I mean, I do talk about my recovery on there because. A big thing for me in my recovery, not saying everyone has to be this way, everyone can do their own things. And I think you posted something along this lines on your Insta recently, but like I'm very loud in my recovery so that someone who may be quiet in their addiction, like I was. Can I know that there's someone out there to talk to or someone to like, maybe ask questions. Like I'm anytime I have an anniversary, I, you know, I publish, I put, do a post about it, and I'm just very honest about what I've been through because. If there's anyone out there who's curious about getting better and about what recovery is like. I want them to know they can come and ask me questions and I'm a nonjudgmental type. So I bring that through and everywhere in my life. I'm very honest, even in my work, although that didn't happen, like right away, I didn't go in and say like, I'm a crystal meth addict. You're just starting a new job. Not like, but like, it was a couple months into my job when I had my one-year anniversary. And so like, and I was really nervous about like saying it, but like, they were starting to feel like family. So I told them and you know, everyone's been very cool. And so that's just like a small part. Like I do talk about it and my podcast hosts doesn't drink. He used to drink. And so it does come up occasionally in conversation. And I mean, our podcast is about scary movies, but we definitely the movies that. I am attracted to the most are like ones that connect on levels of addiction and things like that. And there are some horror movies that are in line with that. And so when we get into those storylines, I definitely bring up my own experiences within them. And it's also just been a great thing to keep busy with. Especially early in the pandemic. It was, it takes some time and as. Yeah,

Steve: 18:40

certainly. And speaking of like living out loud so that people who are like sober, curious, certainly really sober can kind of seek us out for help. What's one piece of advice you would give to someone newly sober.

Brandy Joe: 18:52

I'd say, find those sober friends in your life that you can connect to and find those meetings that you love. I, you talk about this early on in your podcast, but like there's a ton of meetings out there. So if you go to one and it doesn't feel right, I'd say maybe go again, unless you like absolutely hate it or feel uncomfortable, but like find the meetings you love and go to those meetings and surround yourself with people. You want to be like that are living the life you want to live and same with like a sponsor, like ask someone to be your sponsor that you're like, I want to be like that person. I want to have a similar story. And so I say like, find a sponsor, surround yourself with some really cool sober people and find meetings that you love. And, and I think that those are some really key elements that I found early on that really helped. Yeah,

Steve: 19:37

I was going to say, you mentioned going to meetings a couple of times, and that certainly is something that we do to help ourselves stay sober. But are there other things you do in your daily life to help you kind of stay on top of your sobriety?

Brandy Joe: 19:48

You know, I, I try to do a gratitude list every day. I say it out loud, sort of like. Prayer meditation. I mean, finding my higher power was definitely something I struggle with in the beginning. And one of those misconceptions of AA that people have is that it's a religious sort of thing. And I know you talk about this as well, but it's a spiritual thing and the higher power can be whatever you want it to be. It can be Oprah. It can be love. It can be, it can be recovery in general. It can be your AA group. Discovering that, and, and I try to pray every day and I I'll be honest. I, I sometimes just get busy and I don't get to, especially now that I work from home, I roll out of bed and just turn on the computer and start working, working. And that used to be something I do in my car every day as I drove to work, as I do my gratitude list and I pray aloud. So. I need to get back to being able to do that every day. But I think doing some sort of gratitude lists and whatever way to just look at the things you have and be grateful for them is a huge thing that I try to do, because if I can keep on top of that, that's wonderful also to know as my sponsor size, it's never too late to start the day over. So when things get horrible, like you can always start it over and. To like, I am definitely someone who I'm a control freak, and I really get bogged down and like all of the things I need to do. And sometimes I just have to let that go. Let us, they say, let go, let God. And it's not easy for me to do. Man. I, I try to get a little better at that every day, because if I can just say, everything's going to work out, it's all going to be okay. I can just breathe and move through life a little easier. And, and that's definitely helpful. And, and keeping my sobriety in a good place, I think.

Steve: 21:31

Yeah. And do you have any favorite, like mantras or quotes from the rooms or from outside of the rooms? Like whether it be like a song or something, but do you have like a saying you love to try and live.

Brandy Joe: 21:40

I do. There's one that I heard early on in a meeting that my friend Jim said, and I don't know if he like made it up or if it's something that someone told him, but he sighs when they say it gets better. The thing that they don't tell you is that it is you and I I've always loved that because it's, it's true. It does get better and you get better as, as you become more comfortable in your skin. And you realize that like drugs and alcohol didn't make life better. It actually sort of clouded it. And. And that's the thing. Like I, I thought I needed all these things to like enjoy food, enjoy music, to be comfortable in a, in a room full of people. And while it was really uncomfortable at first, now I do enjoy those things better and they are better sober. And I'm so grateful for that, for sure.

Steve: 22:27

And I'm so grateful for you for being on tell us how we can find more of you in your, your.

Brandy Joe: 22:34

Sure. So scaring is sharing is on, I think most of the things, apple podcast, Spotify, wherever you may podcast, and I'm on Instagram. And so a scaring, a sharing, it's just all one long word. Scaring is sharing and on Instagram, my Instagram is Brandy Joe plan B. My last name was plan back. So. B R a N D Y J O E P L a M B Y. And and thank you so much for having me. This has been truly awesome and I love your podcast and I can't wait to get through it all. And congratulations on your sobriety. I, I love, I, I recently did a review for you on apple podcasts, but I absolutely love that you started this so early in your recovery, like what a cool journey to like, share with people as you're going through it. And also. You become more sober that like some day some, you can go back and listen to those early days and you're just so confident and comfortable in your early recovery. And I think that's so amazing. I'm like, God, I was not like that. It was a madness. You're very inspiring and, and you're making, I know you're just making a big difference in lots of people's lives. So thank you for doing

Steve: 23:42

that. Thank you. And thank you for leaving a review. Listeners. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review because these ratings and reviews, help other people find this podcast that need to hear. If you're interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show or just saying hi, I'm always an email away@gaypodcastatgmail.com and be sure to follow us wherever you're listening right now. So you can get new episodes when they come out every Monday and Thursday. And until next time stay sober friends.