The Sober Unicorn ft. Holden

In this episode, Sober Steve welcomes Holden, host of The Sober Unicorn podcast and author of 'Hold'N It Down'. Holden shares his journey from addiction to recovery, the impact of his memoir, and the growth he's experienced. They discuss the importance of connection in sobriety and offer advice for those new to recovery.

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**Where to Find Us:**
- Holden on Instagram 🟢
- Holding It Down- Free with Kindle Unlimited!
- gAy A on IG 🟢
- gAy A everywhere else 🖇️

Chapters

• 0:00 Gratitude
• 1:58 Holden's Journey to Sobriety
• 5:13 Writing, Podcasting, Growth
• 14:48 Family Dynamics and Relationships
• 16:25 Maintaining Sobriety and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Steve: 0:01

Hey there super sober heroes. It's your host sober Steve, the podcast guy. Here today with 1,144 days sober. And I am so grateful for my family. Both adopted, married. Found family. And even now my podcasting family that I developed with all of you, I am so blessed to have multiple sources of people between sobriety. My parents that raised me my brother, my sister-in-law as well as the family that I married into. The friends I found along the way, who are my family as well. I am so blessed to have so many people that I call a family in my life I am so grateful for it, because I know that that's not a privilege that every single person out there has, and I am very blessed. I am also so excited to welcome. Holding to the show. He is the host of the sober unicorns. So those of you podcasting addicts. If you are like me and love a good binge, he has plenty of episodes out there already. Maybe you already have listened to him in the past, but he's here to share his experience, strength and hope as well as what he gleaned from the experiences. Writing a tell all book about his experiences in active addiction. Before I head on over to the interview. I also want it to just ask you all, if you haven't already take a moment to leave us a five star review on whatever app you're listening to right now, especially apple podcasts. Because that's the number one podcasting app, but even Spotify or YouTube, wherever you're listening. Doing things like leaving reviews, written reviews, leaving the five stars, doing those things, tell the app, this person is giving good content that other people need to see. So it helps other people who are looking for sober queer podcast to find us easier. So it's a great circle that helps pay it forward to the next alcoholic in need in our family who needs to find this podcast. So please. Leave us a five-star review with words possible. Love you forever for it. And with that, enjoy the interview with Holden. Hey there, Super Sober Heroes. It's Steve here with Holden. You may already know him as the host of The Sober Unicorn, but why don't you introduce yourself to everyone, Holden?

Holden: 2:08

Well, hello everybody. I'm Holden, host of The Sober Unicorn, as well as author of the memoir, Holden and Dawn, which is a chaotic story. of my life from addiction, sex all the way up to recovery.

Steve: 2:19

And can you believe after all my experiences with your book, that I only am getting now the pun of holding it down with like your name, Holden, just right now as we're talking it out loud, because I guess when you're reading it, it just doesn't click the same way. No, you know

Holden: 2:33

what? It's like, everybody's like, you should put your title as a pun. And I mean, I'm writing a third book and I'll be starting my fourth, which is the sequel to the first one. And it's going to be a second pun with a hold in.

Steve: 2:44

Excellent. Well, puns aside, you're sharing your story out loud as well as interviewing others. Why don't you share a little bit then about what your journey to get to where you are today was like? Oh,

Holden: 2:57

goodness. I haven't shared my story in a minute. I'm normally interviewing other people. So of course, as many of us know, we're on the podcast because we were addicted, whether it was alcohol, substance, or both actually. So my drug of choice was alcohol and meth. Like alcohol, I would say was like my baby. That's what I sought out every single day. So every night, everything and it really wasn't a problem until it was for the first Six months to a year. It was just kind of social drinking. I didn't want to be alone in my apartment to Closing the bar out at 2 Every single night going to work the following day getting off work going straight back to the bar and spending rent money spending bill money and putting myself like I think the end of it was like fifteen thousand dollars in debt from drinking and like I did that probably in like 7 or 8 months, and I was like, you can't, you can't do this. And then of course the meth side of things was, of course, being a gay male, many people in recovery are familiar with the meth sex side of things. And I was using men to get the substance. I was also using men to get free vacations and I was just overall being like a really shitty person. And I sucked out AA and things were going really well for me for a good nine months. I, then I just connected from the program. I just kind of slowed down and recording a podcast and then. The nine months was washed away via going back to meth. What's crazy though, is throughout the two ish relapses that I had, I never went back to alcohol, which I find really weird. I was like, well, at least I'm not drinking. So, but then finally I made the huge decision to like geographically change to Florida. I didn't come out here for treatment like many people do, but I was like, I need something different. I need a different surrounding environment. And I've been here, God coming up on 19 months over now. So it's honestly worked for me. So yeah, that's, that's pretty much, I mean, all of it in a nutshell, at least.

Steve: 5:05

Yeah. Well thank you so much for sharing and when they read your book, holding it Down, they can read all about the more details, the personal details and stories. What's something you learned about yourself writing the book?

Holden: 5:18

think how much I've grown. Because the thing is, even like throughout the recovery and doing step work, I still felt that I was like in this kind of rut, that I wasn't growing as a person, but as I wrote it and realized, like, the amount of people that either I harmed or did harm to me and that I actually forgave them and worked through those, those traumas in life, I was like, holy moly, like, you are a different person. You have moved forward from these things. It did more for me, I feel, than like some of the step work that I've done.

Steve: 5:47

Yeah. I can certainly see that. Especially being that, you know, with at least my first time through the step work, it was a very, like what I learned later was like a lot, didn't go as deep as it is going the second time through right now in terms of also podcasting, cause you continue on with the podcast, what's something you've learned about your sobriety or yourself through podcasting?

Holden: 6:06

Ooh, goodness. That I'm not unique. I feel that I, like, I've always been like, Oh no, there's nobody else like me. And it's like, as I interview other gay individuals that have dealt with some of the things I've dealt with, I'm like, girl, like you're, you're just another ordinary addict, like somebody else. I mean, some of us may have drank more, used differently, used different substances, but at the end of the day, we're all addicts no matter what she did. And like, I thought some of my stories were like the more fucked up stories. And I was like, nobody's gonna want to read this. And everybody's like, honey, I did that like sober, let alone like high as hell. So I've learned that I'm not as special, I mean, of course, I'm a special person, but I'm not as unique as I would expect

Steve: 6:55

and speaking of people engaging and responding to your book, what's been the most interesting, feedback or personal reaction to it?

Holden: 7:03

That people, especially cause I've had a lot of normies read it too. They just say, they look at me in a different perspective. Cause like, not in a bad way, but people know me at a surface level and as both there's certain points of it that do get pretty deep. Not as deep as I wanted to go, but I did want to still maintain certain relationships in my family. So I decided not to write certain things, but they were like, Oh, my God, now I understand why you are the person you are today because of this and because of how you had to work through this. So it helps them appreciate nowadays.

Steve: 7:40

Excellent. Any stories of people they related?

Holden: 7:45

Yes. I mean I would say I received a message every few weeks just saying like, Hey, I listened to this specific episode and I really appreciate you being so raw and real. And thank you for everything that you're doing. And I've had a huge amount of people reach out to be a part of it. And that was kind of the biggest, like starting the podcast. I didn't want it to be about me. Yes. I'm the host. I'm the one that curated all of it. But at the end of the day, like it's about other people's stories and their journeys that they've gone through. So I mean, I don't want people to think me specifically, but I would love for them to say, Hey, this episode resonated with me and I appreciate the platform that you created.

Steve: 8:30

That's awesome. I definitely love when I get those little hits back from listeners about how that's affected them and shaped them. Speaking of having guests on, I always say that my favorite guest is my next guest because it gets me out of trouble with any of my past ones. But what's a past guest experience you've had where they've said something that kind of resonated with you or that you keep with you to this day?

Holden: 8:52

You know what, Charlie Gray, we both interviewed him several times. Yes. And he's been on, of course, countless platforms, He's one person that's been on my podcast that I still stay in touch with that we talk about either recovery or writing and just his entire journey kind of really hits home for me because it's like I relapsed, of course, like many, many of us do. But like Charlie went to like 58 treatment centers. So it's like, just cause it's not your first time trying to get sober again, doesn't mean this time it's not going to work. There's so many people that are like, well, once a relapse are always a relapser. And that's not really the case. I mean, he's three years sober now, I believe three going on four and like he went through 58 treatment centers, literally walked out the door all the way to the airport and had the taxi man pull off at the liquor store. N is flying and then two days later ended up in the alley and then back in another treatment center.

Steve: 9:51

Yeah. And we can all come back from that. I love that. You never know if you have another one in you, so it's better to stay in when you're in, but it's nice knowing that if you go back out, you can always come back with open arms. Exactly. Excellent. And what would you say is one hope that you have? I know that you said there's a book, future books. Yes. So of course

Holden: 10:10

the, my first book is of course my memoir journey into recovery. Second book. I don't really tell people I wrote that book. It's kind of highlights the toxicity of the community that we are in. So that's under a pen name. That's totally. Just out there and not attached to me. So I don't get canceled. The third book is a fictional romance, so it's completely, I mean, may throw addiction into it. I'm kind of leading with that, but it's more of a realistic depictation of like the gay dating realm now with polyamory and open relationships and grinders. Fourth book will be a sequel to, of course, the first one. And I want to start writing at two years point because my first one was written. I started writing probably like. clean and I released it right before my year, Mark. So I think that the first book was primarily about my addiction side of things. And I want the second book to be more about the journey of progressing as somebody in recovery. I mean, a year and a half just up and leaving Texas to come to Florida. And I'm now in my own place and a great relationship. Like it's, The progression, I think, for a year and a half clean is like, insanity.

Steve: 11:25

Speaking of progression, especially for those who read the book and know where it left off, what happened in your life since then

Holden: 11:30

relationship, apartment. Of course, you know how the rent is here in Florida. You're in North Florida, right? The Suncoast, Sarasota.

Steve: 11:40

Okay. Okay. So it's everywhere.

Holden: 11:41

It's not too far, but I'm in Fort Lauderdale and the rent here is absolutely insane, but like an amazing job promotions. And just like being a part of the community, the program, because the second go round here in Florida. I ended up in a different fellowship, so not in the original fellowship, I ended up in a separate one and it's worked out for me. It's been a huge blessing for me and just being active in my recovery, my relationship and I'm dating a normie, which is kind of unique because, He doesn't fully comprehend the chaos of addiction. And so it's a learning curve because he's also not from America. So sometimes trying to explain things, get lost in translation as well as trying to get him to understand, like when I go through certain things mentally he's like, well, it's okay. I'm like, I know it's okay, but that's just like my chaos way of trying to like, take me out. Cause there was an instance where we found a ball of Prosecco with rainbow stripes for gay pride. And I picked it up, just looked at the bottle, not even like thinking anything. I was like, Oh, this looks cool. Okay. Why do we need gay Prosecco? And then the whole week after that, I was like, Ooh, I wonder if it tastes any different knowing that it's literally just a marketing scam. And so it's like, he's like, why do you keep thinking about it? It's like, that's what you don't understand.

Steve: 13:11

Yeah, our brains definitely work differently. And with navigating that relationship and sobriety, how has that been different than past relationships and addiction? Because I know you talked about like a lot of the, your addiction was tangled with sex and relationships and using people. So how has that grown and changed?

Holden: 13:29

It's actually a real relationship. It's not a false one. If you read the book, Were lying to seat just to get what I wanted, whether it was lying to somebody in New York for them to think that I wanted them to fly me out there. I've been to Vegas, New York, Florida, Georgia, all that less than a hundred dollars at my cost because I led these individuals on to believe that there could have been something substantial there. But there's no dishonesty, even when we first started seeing each other and I was sleeping with other people, cause I'm like, well, we ain't boyfriends yet. Like other times I'd be like, no, I haven't slept with anybody in a few months, but like with him, I was honest about it. I was upfront with my addiction, my HIV status. What I did during addiction, because sleeping with 50 people in one night is not a normal thing. And sharing needles again is not normal. So, just pure honesty is the huge thing, and accepting love for me. Because even beforehand, any relationship, I knew they wanted something. Whether it was just for sex, or whether it was for money, or whether it was for this, they always just, wanted something, but this time it's like I'm just being loved for who I am and not for what I have to offer.

Steve: 14:45

I love that for you. That's excellent. And you mentioned earlier that you edited yourself a little bit in your narrative regarding maintaining some family relationships. So after the editing was all said and done, how have your family relationships changed since the book came out? Or how did that all work out? Did they, did anyone read it? And what was that like? Well, my

Holden: 15:06

mother helped

Steve: 15:07

edit the book.

Holden: 15:09

So, with just chaos, weird, because I mean, of course, there's a lot of sex in there. my mother helped edit it. She knew most of everything. There was a few spots in there. She was like, really? You did this? I was like, yes, mom. My brother bought the book, but has not read it. I just kind of told him, I was like, honestly, Nathan, you're not going to want to read this book. He's like, okay, I get it. Sister, I don't speak to her anymore. Just relationships have been severed due to my lifestyle. And I accepted her for her Jesus love himself. I mean, that helped her in her recovery. And I think that's absolutely incredible. But she wouldn't accept me for my lifestyle. So we've parted ways. And then my father, of course, for many reasons. I still haven't spoke to him. It's been my 15th birthday. It was the last day I saw him and I'm 32 now. I wish him the best in life and success. And I would just, I choose to have good people in my life that help support me. I'm not bringing down. And so that that's high. So I mean, technically the book really didn't change any of my family dynamic because my family knows I'm crazy.

Steve: 16:15

Yeah, well, I mean the knowledge that your mom was, your editor was interesting enough everybody has different relationships with their family, so it's not the wildest thing I've heard. That's really cool. So with all of that, and looking at your sobriety today, what is something you do right now in your life that helps keep you sober? That you did at the beginning and still is true.

Holden: 16:36

Keeping in contact with people. The thing is, when we were using or drinking, we were in daily contact with friends to be like, Hey, texting and let's meet at the bar. We were in contact with our drug dealers on a every other day basis, depending on how much you use. So in recovery for me to maintain this lifestyle that I want to live, it's just, they always say in the meetings, get those phone numbers, file them and dial them. And that is 100 percent the truth. So I think without those contacts that I talked to on a daily basis, I probably wouldn't be where I am today. So it's, it's that's something I've always done throughout my recovery journey. Of course, beside the revamp saying, but it's being in touch with people in recovery and just making sure your circle of friends are there. And support your journey.

Steve: 17:24

That's excellent advice. I know I've definitely done lots of different episodes on connection or community, or you could call it so many different names at the end of the day, especially in my experience, connections, the opposite of addiction, and whether I'm connecting with another alcoholic, or even as long as I'm connecting with other humans in general, it's when I'm isolating, it's when things get bad, or things get scary for me, or when people around me should know that something's wrong, because it ends up that I'm not an introvert. I was just an isolated drinker. In sobriety, I'm quite extroverted.

Holden: 17:51

You, it was, it's flipped for me. I was like a huge extrovert drinking. I never drink at home. Cause I thought if I drink at home alone, I was an alcoholic, but if I was spending 200 a night at the bar, I was just a social drinker. So it's now that I'm like in recovery other than the podcast, which of course it's one on one like I was, I'm asked to speak on Tuesday at a meeting and I'm extremely nervous. Because even though I, I wrote a book I podcast, like I'm still like not a good public speaker. I'm like, I don't want all these people looking at me. And so like, it looks like I'm seeking out attention for everything that I put out there. But all in reality, I'm like, no girl. Like leave me alone. Let me stay in my little bubble.

Steve: 18:34

Yeah, I think I've heard at one of the podcasting conferences I went to earlier in the year They had stickers where you could do extrovert introvert or ambivert and like I also get the ambivert though Because there are still some situations where I don't want to people Especially like large groups without structure of like how to socialize and like I just walk up to random strangers and introduce myself But when it comes to my people, I'm always ready to go out with a friend. I've learned connection is huge in sobriety. In addition to connection, what would you say are some other bits of advice you would give someone new?

Holden: 19:07

Don't allow past religious trauma to think that something is not for you. And I'm going to say the meetings because no matter which. Fellowship you go into, it's all kind of the same concept of things. And when talking to individuals that are gay, that are seeking recovery, it's, I'm not going to a meeting. They talk about God. And it's like, again, like, look how your way has gotten you. I'm not saying that you need to believe in God or believe in Jesus. I'm not saying any of that. But don't allow that word to affect you. Cause I've allowed that word to affect me so much. And now it's like, it's a word. That's it. Yeah. That's all it is. And the thing is, is like your higher power, whatever you want to call it is something that'll develop over time. Like my higher power concept, a year and a half in is not even fully. Like fully formed yet. So give it a chance. The thing is, you don't know until you, I would say, give it a month of like 2 to 3 meetings a week. And if it's really not your thing, that's totally okay. There is CBT. There's so many different other therapies out there to get sober and support that. But again, it's been proven that these 12 step fellowships work. And so it's like, if it's worked for other gay individuals, why wouldn't it work for your gay ass?

Steve: 20:31

Yeah. Again, like we talked about before, as we talk to more other people in recovery, the more we realize we are not as special, like people are, you know, you are not the only one listener listening right now who has religious trauma and is afraid of the word God. Like we all go through it. I remember at first I went to a very queer meeting that. Cut out the word God altogether from the script. So it was higher power from the moment that I entered the room, and it was only when I was going to other meetings and hearing the word God, and for whatever reason, like, hearing higher power opened it up for me in a way that if it was God, this, God, that, or like, if they said the Our Father at the end, which I've seen done in some meetings. Like, that would not have gone over well. But being able to find myself welcomed into a room where they said higher power, I was like, well, I can get behind this higher power thing and talk to other people who have, like, the most woohoo, like, out there Froot Loops ideas, and they're awesome, and I love them, like, the more wild they are. But, you know, at the end of the day, after I went through my journey connecting with my higher power, it's just easier for me to call them God. And, you know, three years in you do, but it's because I also feel like a great advice is to like, never say never because in sobriety we start to grow again.

Holden: 21:35

Yeah. Cause when we were younger, we're probably like, I'm never going to touch math. I'm never gonna be an alcoholic and look where we're at

Steve: 21:41

now. I know, I remember anytime that I would go out in college drinking and I would wear my D. A. R. E. shirt I thought I was being so funny or so tongue in cheek because I was from that age where it was like yeah everyone had to do D. A. R. E. and you got pizza for learning that drugs are bad and I was like I'll never do drugs and then college happened and life happens.

Holden: 21:59

I mean, I've seen dare shirts now, but instead of whatever the hell the saying is, I can't remember. It says drugs are real expensive. Oh, well, that is also true.

Steve: 22:09

And what is a hope that you have for the future, either with your books or your podcast or a little bit of both? That I just reach out,

Holden: 22:18

reach more people. I mean, never really focused on anything like that because my perception, like the same thing with the meeting, one person gets something out of the meeting then it's worth the attendance or worth the speaker to be there. So it's just being able to reach more people geographically that otherwise can't get to meetings. And just kind of like spread the word. Don't get me wrong, like the programs and all these therapies are very available to everybody, but you still hear so many people coming into a meeting saying, Oh, I've never heard of this place. I've never heard of the program and it's like, girl, where you been? Like probably living under the rock or the bottle. But it's, it's out there. So it's just more, I think the hope is just to be able to touch more individuals and get people either sober curious or to be a part of their journey.

Steve: 23:10

That's excellent. I am looking forward to that for you as well. And any final thoughts?

Holden: 23:18

No, I mean final thoughts, of course. If you Enjoy me, of course, Sober Unicorn read the book, it's on Amazon, as well as, ooh, girl, it just got approved and it's on RuPaul's new book club, All Stora?

Steve: 23:33

heard of it, yes.

Holden: 23:34

So I finally got my book on All Stora.

Steve: 23:36

Very cool.

Holden: 23:37

if you're a member there, you get like 7. 50, so it's not too expensive. Otherwise it's on Amazon for like 15 bucks. But no, otherwise just keep listening to Steve. Keep listening to other podcasters because the thing is we put a lot of time and effort editing and time into these things. Just for people to listen. That's it. That's all we ask you to do. Just listen. So continue supporting your podcasters and all you got to do is support and just listen.

Steve: 24:05

Listening is great. And then I also add that a little bit of engagement, whether that's like a comment or a like, or a text message. Now that Buzzsprout puts them at the top, where you can just send a text message. I was talking to someone who like the other day, who's shared that they love podcasts. They listened to a dozen podcasts. And then I was like, The number one thing that I love about my listeners is when they engage with me and they were like, I never thought to reach out. And I was like, really? That's what we live for. Cause that's we know we're not just shouting out into a void. And she's like, I'm going to go and let all my favorite podcasters, send them all DMS and let them know that I love their pockets. I was like, you will make their day. And she's like, I will. And I was like, yes, and sometimes I like to just spell out for people that like, yeah, doing little things like that, whether it's for me, Holden or any of us out there, it makes a huge difference. So thank you all listeners for engaging with us and playing with us.

Holden: 24:50

That is true. I do like getting those messages and seeing reviews.

Steve: 24:53

Yeah, they generally happen when I need them the most too, when I'm having a really bad day my listeners are always the people who cheer me up. And thank you so much Holden, everyone, check out my show notes so that you can link over to his stuff. And make sure you're listening to us where or following us wherever you're listening so that you can get new episodes every Thursday. Until then, stay sober, bye.