Sober Support from The Vault (Part One)

In this exciting two-part special, gAy A is diving into the archives! Host Steve Bennet-Martin, aka Sober Steve the Podcast Guy, takes you on a journey back to some of the earliest episodes of the show. With over 225 episodes and more than three years of content, it’s easy to miss some of the incredible stories shared by guests who have since become part of the gAy A family. So, Steve has pulled some of the best clips from his first solo episode, as well as his initial interviews with Joey, Gabriel, and Kristen, to revisit their early sobriety journeys.

Listen in as Steve reflects on the growth of both the podcast and his own recovery, and enjoy hearing how these early guests have continued to thrive in their own sober lives. From navigating LGBTQIA+ sober living, to the impact of social media on recovery, to powerful insights on sexuality and sobriety, this episode is packed with wisdom, growth, and inspiration.

Key Takeaways:

• Steve's Early Sobriety: Hear Steve’s raw and vulnerable story from his very first solo episode, where he talks about the end of his drinking career, how the pandemic impacted his addiction, and finding his way in recovery through LGBT+ Zoom meetings.
• Joey from Rainbow Hill: Revisit Joey’s first appearance on gAy A where he discusses the inspiration behind Rainbow Hill Sober Living and his tips for staying humble, cutting out toxic people, and staying accountable in recovery.
• Gabriel on Social Media and Sobriety: Gabriel shares how social media played a crucial role in his sobriety, offering connection and community, especially during the isolating days of the pandemic.
• Kristen on Gender Identity and Sobriety: Kristen, a non-binary member of the gAy A family, reflects on how their gender identity and sexuality impacted their addiction, and offers powerful advice for those navigating life, addiction, and recovery.

Follow Us:
Follow Steve on Instagram @GayAPodcast for updates, and don’t forget to subscribe wherever you’re listening so you get new episodes every Thursday

**Where to Find Us:**
Me:
- gAy A on IG 🟢
- gAy A everywhere else 🖇️
Joey:
- Rainbow Hill Recovery 🏣
- Rainbow Hill Sober Living 🏡
- Totally Sober 🔴
- Joey’s IG 🟢
Gabriel:
- Gabriel on IG 🟢

Transcript

Steve: 0:00

Hey there it's Sober Steve, the podcast guy here with 1,224 days of sobriety. And I am so excited that after over 225 episodes, do you bring you the. First of what will at least be two episodes of clips from our vault. Yes. Many of our listeners who have tuned in over the past few years, haven't taken the initiative to go back and listen to all hundreds of hours of content that I've been generating over the past. Three and a half years of doing this podcast. And so I wanted to take an opportunity to take some of the first handful of interviews that I had, that I released that. Most of these people ended up becoming a members of the pod family that you've heard come back on since then over and over again. But these initial interviews where we really get to know them and hear their story and what their perspectives were like earlier in their recovery. Aren't heard by as many people today. And so I'm taking some of those clips and putting them out there for you all to hear today. And it might be fun just to, if you've also heard them to revisit how they've grown and changed over the episodes that they've come back on over the years. So with that, the very first voice you ever heard on this podcast was me. In the very first episode. Hi, my name is Steve. And here's a clip of me explaining what the end of my drinking career was like, as well as what inspired me to start this podcast in my sobriety. I had all my rules about how to drink. And the rules did well for me for quite, quite some time. The rules did me well through meeting my husband and falling in love and getting married. He always. Knew that when I drank, I was a different person. He always struggled to, to find a better way to say it than that. Just, I wasn't myself. But I had it under control for a while until I didn't, like I mentioned around the time when the pandemic started and my entire world was turned upside down, all the plans that I thought I had for my future were no longer the plans that I wanted or needed or felt were right for me. And. Then I found this job where I was able to have a cocktail at happy hour and everyone had cocktails at happy hour And then if we went out for lunch, we were able to have a cocktail at lunch Before you know it that kind of culture had me drinking in between those Lunches and those happy hours because once I drink I can't stop and once I started having to have alcohol in the office For in between it just quickly became a matter of having it You Even for earlier, even before those days, or even on those days where I didn't have those lunches or those happy hours. And it was, on my days off, was even worse. I was able to control myself during my weekends where I spent time with my husband, although even though I'd be sober for that weekend, or for most of that weekend, my mind would still be constantly thinking and looking forward to my next drink. Because I knew, That with my work schedule that I'd be able to have my Mondays where I was at home alone and able to drink as much as I could possibly like. But it was only once my husband came home from work one day and noticed and I came clean about how much I had been drinking and about how bad it had gotten, that he really encouraged me to check out the AA meetings again. And this time it clicked, I lucked out. It took me a little bit of work. I managed to stumble onto a couple AA meetings in Zoom, and none really clicked until I found my first LGBT one. And that's where it changed for me. I heard enough during those first couple quote unquote straight or quote everyone meetings. Enough. To know that I wanted to keep on coming back, but it was only once I started hearing about the struggles of other people in my community that I really felt like I found a home that I found these people that knew what I had been through and had been through similar things or worse things or different things. But we've all been through similar struggles and they all revolve or are heavily involved with alcohol and I didn't feel alone anymore. And I've since then found a sponsor and I am working the steps, but in doing so, I'm noticing that there aren't really a lot of resources. community and in our area. So I am trying to make this podcast as a way to help other potential or recovering alcoholics while also helping to keep myself sober along the way, I have another podcast, a lifetime of happiness, which has transformed along the years into a pop culture podcast, but in the same way that helps keep me happy, the plan is for this podcast to help keep me sober. So for you. A devoted fans and listeners who have been with me for longer with this journey you'll know that this was a very broad strokes overview of what my journey was like. And I go much more in-depth as I get more comfortable opening up. And it really just goes to show how much I've grown, not only in my sobriety, but also my podcasting ability, because I remember when I first started this podcast, I was so worried about talking about my experiences in being raw and vulnerable with myself. And so I very much made it focused on the guests that I was having. And so just seeing us how, even his very first episode, when I told my story, it was told. Very much as a narrative that I had curated and checked and made sure that it was something I felt comfortable making sure anyone who heard it would hear it. Rather than talking from the heart open and raw, like I've learned to do. Over all these episodes. So that's something that you all have empowered me to do. So thank you for that. One person who has been able to be raw, open and vulnerable from the very beginning is one of the pod family members. I mentioned earlier, who comes back on again and again, because I just love and adore him and the work he's doing so much. And that is Joey from rainbow hill. He was my second guest. In my first handful of episodes. So here's Joey back from his very first appearance over three years ago, back when he was talking about the opening of rainbow hill sober living as well as some of his tips and tricks for staying sober. Especially with. Rainbow Hill now helping so many other people, what inspired you to start it?

Joey: 5:56

So back in 2013, I was in a sober living with all straight guys and girls. It was a co ed house and I was the only gay guy in the entire house. I personally had a great time, but after talking to people in the rooms, I found that just wasn't the case for them. They've been bullied. They were promised that it was going to be an affirming environment, which it wasn't and gay friendly has turned into a cheap marketing tactic. And. For us, we had the opportunity because my family had an extra property in Echo Park and we presented the idea to my mother and she thought that it would be very beneficial to our community and said, okay propose something and let's see what we can do. Andrew and I completely renovated the house. We painted everything by hand, built all the beds, did all the design in six and a half weeks. Wow. And we, the gamble. And we are now almost completely full with only two spots left, which has been really insane. It's been great though.

Steve: 7:04

Yeah, that's excellent. I know that one of your missions is to offer structure and accountability to the people living there. Now, I'm not familiar with even the concept really of what sober living is like. So can you tell us more about what the structure and accountability look like to a resident?

Joey: 7:20

Yeah, so the way that we like to, we don't like to call ourselves a sober living. Our guys have described us as a sober home. We're very family oriented and we've created a very nice tight knit community and brotherhood. Everyone looks out for each other and as far as accountability goes, we trust them and we Hope that we know that if they trust us, we'll trust them. So it goes both ways. They have to check in with us daily. We have an onsite manager who lives at the property. And then Andrew and I are both very present. We're not only owners, but we also work here. So we have our respective shifts. I actually stayed here for three nights the other week while our house manager was out celebrating his birthday. And it was a really nice. We had family dinner, we watched movies, cooked, cleaned, and everyone has their chores to do on Saturdays. So it's really nice. Everyone gets to get up and clean up and I get to watch because they're learning how to get those life skills back. So as far as accountability goes, everyone checks in with each other. They look out after each other. And it's just, I don't know how else to say it other than they hold each other accountable. And at the end of the day. That's what's important here is having that brotherhood.

Steve: 8:38

What are some tips that you use to help you stay sober?

Joey: 8:42

Staying humble and acceptance and You're not responsible for other people's reactions. You're only responsible for the way that you react. And I had, I apply that to my daily life. There are people who I don't understand. They function the way that there, but I have no control over that. So I've just let go. And just let them do them and I will do me. I can't change other people. And my number one tip would honestly be, although it's going to be really hard for some people, I know it was for me, was to completely cut out the toxic people in your life and everything else will fall into place. I promise. Yeah.

Steve: 9:29

I can imagine. I was blessed luckily, where I didn't have too many toxic people, but I was, when I would drink, I would put myself into toxic situations, so staying sober did a big part of keeping me away from them, but yes, I can imagine if you have the toxicity around you, that won't help keep you sober. Now, with sobriety, I know that we really love our steps, our traditions and our sayings. Do you have any sort of favorite saying or mantra that you love to share with newcomers?

Joey: 9:56

Although it's really simple, keep coming back. It works if you work it because it's true. It is so true. I was very resilient. I was so resistant when I first shit's never going to work like they don't know me. They don't understand me. I'm unique. No, honestly, I would just say, go in there with an open heart and open mind and what's the worst thing that could possibly happen that it actually works.

Steve: 10:22

Yeah,

Joey: 10:23

that's honestly, that would be, yeah, that's my favorite mantra. Obviously, the serenity prayer because I like saying that every single night before I go to bed, but. It does work if you work it.

Steve: 10:33

Yes.

Joey: 10:33

So I'm coming back.

Steve: 10:36

And keep coming back at Joey did not only with his recovery, but also with this podcast, he has been on multiple episodes since then, as his adventurous have grown well and beyond at rainbow hill sober living to rainbow hill recovery, all the amazing work he's doing. And has his own show now, totally sober. So I'll include all the information in the show notes for you to check him out and catch up on what he's been doing since that first episode and another person who's been on over and over again. And one of my first guests, I started off, I didn't realize how heavily over switching people from the west coast. That was my people when I got sober. And here's Gabriel sharing a little bit about what, how social media affected his recovery and his journey. Which is very important to me because I got sober during the pandemic, with the help of social media, almost as much as I did on zoom rooms and meetings and other resources like that. So here's him back again, a little over three years ago, sharing how social media impacted his recovery. how do you feel social media has helped you in your recovery?

Gabriel: 11:40

Yeah, this question or this topic comes up a lot for me because, as you said, I've definitely put myself out there and it's been a journey for me because I feel like I've had to really become very comfortable and self assured in myself because in the past, I put myself out there and then I've been vulnerable and then I get hurt when people don't respond a certain way. So what's important for me is that I do live out loud. I'm very vocal about my sexuality and my addiction and my recovery. But I also have to be very mindful of what are my motivations? What are my intentions? Am I doing this because I want a pat on the back because I want the social media, world to validate me in the past? That's very much been the case. And that opens me up to be disappointed to be judged. So now, when I post I honestly do ask myself, what is, what are my intentions? A lot of it. It's today. I sometimes use, Social media is like an online journal that people can see. I definitely, I share my journey. A lot of people don't get that. Honestly, a lot of people think I'm being too much. I'm putting it out there who no one needs to know your business. But and I don't know if you can relate Steve, but I feel like for me, I've gotten so many amazing messages privately with people telling me. Oh my God, thank you for sharing that because I get I feel that way too or I didn't know anyone else felt like that. Like just one person telling me that makes it worth it because I was inspired by people who were very open and very proud of where they are and saying if you anyone needs help, I'm someone you can come to. I really try to put myself out there so that it helps me connect with people. It helps me be of service and I don't put it out there because I think I have, I'm here to save anybody. No, it's to share my journey, share my story, just like a meeting. People share their experience, strength and hope and the hope that someone will get something from it. I'm just using it on a different platform that reaches more people and I tell you, I have friends who are like brothers to me all over the world because of social media, because of this conference that I did in New York the other day. I had a friend do an H and I meeting for me as a speaker and he's in Hawaii. I just and also say the during the pandemic social media. I'm not exaggerating. Save my life because when the world disconnected. I had a connection. I thank God that this happened now and not before any of this technology because those there were days where I'm like, oh, my God, I don't know if I'm going to make it through today. I couldn't get so stay sober through the day, but I definitely it was whether it was a post on Facebook or private messaging a friend, or, I'm a part of a lot of sober groups on Facebook just that little communication. Kept me going. It was that little tether. I always felt like I was flailing. And then the people that I talked to every day, they were my anchor to the real world until I can get back to my real life. And there's people that even, during all that, they still check on me every day. Like, how are you doing, buddy? Was like going through it. They're like, you can do this. Without technology, social media, we wouldn't have had that. I wouldn't have had that. Yeah, it's definitely, I feel like it definitely helped save my life.

Steve: 15:00

Yes I couldn't agree more, getting sober in the time of COVID was certainly an interesting experience for me, but I've, my home groups on zoom in New York it's these things that I've struggled finding a group locally to go to, but I have my home group and that wouldn't be possible without zoom and the internet. I completely agree. Even like working on this podcast before it came out, I had just had so many like amazing messages that there was like one time around my 60 days where I was like questioning it all. Is it even worth it? And it was like, I was like I have to stay sober for the podcast that's going to come out. Cause I had already had a couple people message me being like, Oh, I'm really excited for it. So I was like, I can't let them down and, help me get through that hump.

Gabriel: 15:38

works, right?

Steve: 15:38

Yeah, exactly, now what are some of the positive changes in your life now that you are sober?

Gabriel: 15:44

Doing this recovery thing the way that you pose thi time in my life in this s like I feel like I'm fina lly living my authentic true self Because even in the past, when I've been in the rooms, I've had the crutch of a relationship. That's a big one for me is always going back to going, finding people to be in codependent relationship with, or whether it's work or whatever, finding something else to find my value in my work. Today, the biggest change is that I'm learning to trust myself, trust in myself, know that it's okay to ask for help and that doesn't make me weak. It actually makes me strong. Being vulnerable is beautiful. I still have my bad days. I'm still technically in outpatient where I'm living and working, but I still live a regular life. I just do groups and stuff. And some days are really hard. I just living in this world as an addict, newly sober again it's tough, it's very tough. But the biggest change for me right now is when those days come, I stop, I take a breath, I ask for help. I reach out to my support network and I just talk about it. I don't push it aside. I don't brush it aside. I don't diminish. That's another thing I used to do a lot is to minimize my struggle for the sake of other people. I cannot afford to do that anymore. So I'm definitely, today, the biggest change is putting myself first, above all else, because if I can't put myself first and be okay, I'm no good of use to anybody. And I love to be of service. I love being of service. I get so much joy out of it, but I can't do that if I'm not taking care of myself first.

Steve: 17:25

And next up we have my sober sibling. Kristin, we got sober three days apart from one another. In the same home group and have been like siblings ever since then. And so it was amazing having someone going through the same experiences I was going on. And I had them on very early on to talk about what their experience was like navigating life. Addiction and recovery. As someone identifying as non-binary in the queer community. So here's them talking about how their sexuality and gender identity played a role in their drinking and addiction as well as some advice on how to live a happy, full and sober life today. having met through our LGBT plus meetings, how would you say your sexuality played a role in your drinking and your addiction?

Kristen: 18:11

God, that's such a good question. And I think about it every day and I feel like I don't quite know the answer. I think I alluded to it earlier when I was like, I didn't come out until so late. And I think that was partly it for me. And I'll think about how much I actually want to, say this in a podcast or how deep I want to get into it. But drinking and sex and trauma are all really locked in for me. And I think I spent a lot of time drinking so that I would be okay in the. Having the sex that I thought I was supposed to have. In the body that I had, and when I was drunk, I could tell myself that was okay. I could tell myself that was enough. I could power through what I called anxiety, but I think was much, much deeper than that. I like ambivalence about, yeah, my gender and my sexuality was just so easy to slide over. I maybe talked about this in my share when we did it in the mustard seat, but I'm queer and bi and I'm non binary. I'm like, I feel like both of those categories, especially when I was growing up, I was in the 90s I didn't know what it meant to be non binary. I didn't, I guess I understood what it meant to be bi, but really, it was just, it manifested in me as like a sense of wrongness that I had no way of putting into words. And I didn't, and this is true in so much more than just my sexuality, but it's a hundred percent how it was. It was like, I felt bad. And instead of thinking there's something about my circumstances I could change, I was like I have to change that. I feel bad. And the way that I can is by drinking. And I think that blinded me to so much about myself and my sexuality and my relationships. And it was just really the fundamental mistake at the heart of my life. I feel was to not understand that I Could feel good, but I could change my circumstances to feel good. Yeah, I think it was a big part of it. I laughed a lot of it's funny because I think of myself. I like to think of myself as so insightful. I'm like, writing my journal all the time, like, thinking about myself, but it's I have huge blind spots and always have when it comes to the things I needed and I wanted. I think it's because I drank for so long. So that's the main reason. But I could also say, yeah. In some ways coming out my relationship was hard, it didn't work out, but it was hard. I feel like it also helped me as I started to know who I was. I was on the path to getting sober. Do you know what I mean? And to be the mustard seed, like the rightness of that. I feel I just, I feel like I, I could be there and know who I was. I actually started for the first time ever using, and I don't actually, I didn't still figure out pronouns and vernacular. Actually, the first time I ever experimented with using a pronoun was in the mustard seed. I had recognized that I was a non binary. I was talking to a therapist about it. I wasn't really sure how pronouns would fit in that, but I was I felt so safe in that space. It was the first time that I really got a chance to just try to be who I was and not feel like I had to. Have everything solved and figure it out before I started communicating it, which is actually you can't do that. You have to be with people that you trust and show yourself to them and then you can understand who you are. And I feel like that is something that's so lucky for me and I feel like it's a kind of sunnier way that my sexuality and my sobriety are connected. It's yeah, in some ways my sexuality, my drinking were connected, but I also feel like I was more able to get sober because I had this community that was there and welcoming to me. And I'm so grateful for that.

Steve: 21:55

Oh yeah. I can't imagine being sober and not be part of the LGBT plus sober group.

Kristen: 22:01

Yeah, it really is. And it's such a joy. I think to it, try people talk about this coming in all the time. I have this one image of And it's my dudes, let's like, no, yeah, it can be great and actually really healing. I feel like sometimes because I've had so many bad experiences with all my dudes to have them like talking about God and their feelings. I'm like, you're feeling a deep wound to me, but I feel like going into queer meetings does, it's not just the people are queer. So they tend to be younger and they're thinking about, they're asking the same question. We have much in common in that space. And it is such a, just like vibrant. It's a cheesy word, but such an array of like interesting humanity and people that I want to meet in any context. It's so cool. It's such a cool group of people to be able to be a part of.

Steve: 22:49

Yes, it certainly is. And if you can give one piece of advice to someone who is either sober curious or newly sober, what would it be?

Kristen: 22:58

Oh boy. I love giving advice. And I also think advice never works, but I would say. Maybe a good way to think about it rather than face because I'm trying to think of myself right before I came in and I feel like I spent a lot of time trying to decide if I like deserved to be an alcoholic to call myself an alcoholic if like people are going to laugh me out of the roots if I came in and I think. If I can clear up one misconception about what it's like to try out a meeting, to try out sobriety, is that there's no gatekeeping. There's none. You can just show up and listen. You don't have to, I for some reason believe that they would not let you stay in the meeting unless you would say the words, I am an alcoholic. Like I thought you had to be able to announce yourself as it had to be able to do that. And I was like I can't go because I don't know if I am so good. It's just, no, you don't have to do that. You can just listen. It's so funny that you said

Steve: 23:52

that because I actually had a listener email today that was, there reached out for me the other day for help or advice. And I was like, the biggest game changer for me was meetings. And their reply back today was like, but I don't want to say that I'm an alcoholic. I'm like, you don't have to.

Kristen: 24:08

Yeah. Yeah. It's totally fine. And it's totally fun to come in and just be like listening and hear people talk about what it's like. And It feels good, and it's also feels like it feels good not to drink. I feel like if I look back to all the times I was trying to decide whether I should put drinking because I had to decide if I was an alcoholic. It's from the other side even if I wasn't drinking wasn't. Adding anything to my life, the fact that I believed it was such a huge sacrifice was in some ways the surest sign that I was an alcoholic that I was using it for things. It wasn't to do. And so I wish I could go back and just been like, try it. And if you don't find yourself capable of trying it, then maybe you need help. Doing it, but either way, it shouldn't be a big deal to go a month without alcohol or too much. And if it feels like it is, or if it feels like, yeah, you can do it, but you have to up your marijuana smoking, which is how I got through the one dry January and every time, you can there's help. You can get it. You can get there. It doesn't have to be a thing. You don't have to solve the problem in your brain before you're allowed to go out and get the help. It's just right there for the taking. So I think everyone should be sober in the whole world. I think everyone should just quit drinking and life would be better. And if I don't know, I'm on the high, the pink cloud, so just do it, man. Even if you're not alcoholic, your life's not gonna be worse if you don't drink anymore.

Steve: 25:31

Wow. It was so much fun and getting to look back on these handful of interviews and I, at the time, wasn't sure how long these clips would last or take. So I pulled a whole bunch more. So I have enough content prepared to continue on with this and next week for another episode from the vault. But I would love to know what you think of this two-part episode. Is this something you'd like to see every. Six months or so of diving back into something from years and years ago and making it fresh and mixing it up with some other content. I would love to hear your thoughts. On this format and formula as a way to mix things up here and there, you can do that by reaching out to me@steveatsobersteve.com or engage with me on social media. My favorite place to play is Instagram at. A podcast. And you can always, if you're listening right now and your podcasting apps, whatever that is, scroll up to the top of your show notes and click. Text the show and you could send a fan mail note for me. Make sure you follow us wherever you're listening so you can get these new episodes every Thursday, automatically, as soon as they come out. And until then stay sober friends.