Ever wondered about non-monogamy and how to open up a relationship? Join us as Jess shares her personal journey and we deconstruct societal pressures with our insightful guest, Jess Lynn. We get real about the challenges and rewards of transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, emphasizing the importance of taking your time and approaching the conversation with curiosity, openness, and honesty.
Together, we explore the critical role of communication and trust in maintaining a healthy non-monogamous partnership, and discuss common mistakes to avoid along the way. Jess Lynn shares her expertise and helpful resources like the book Polysecure and the podcast Multi-Amory, while we offer our own candid experiences and her signature coaching program, Non-Monogamous Newbies. Don't miss this enlightening discussion perfect for anyone considering opening up their relationship or simply wanting to learn more about non-monogamous lifestyles.
Ever wondered about non-monogamy and how to open up a relationship? Join us as Jess shares her personal journey and we deconstruct societal pressures with our insightful guest, Jess Lynn. We get real about the challenges and rewards of transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy, emphasizing the importance of taking your time and approaching the conversation with curiosity, openness, and honesty.
Together, we explore the critical role of communication and trust in maintaining a healthy non-monogamous partnership, and discuss common mistakes to avoid along the way. Jess Lynn shares her expertise and helpful resources like the book Polysecure and the podcast Multi-Amory, while we offer our own candid experiences and her signature coaching program, Non-Monogamous Newbies. Don't miss this enlightening discussion perfect for anyone considering opening up their relationship or simply wanting to learn more about non-monogamous lifestyles.
Welcome to the Straight From the Sources Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, tamra here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Jess Lynn, and we'll be talking about non-monogamy and how to open a relationship. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me, jess.
Speaker 2:
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, i think this will be a good episode We've had. We've talked about the lifestyle, but not like how to actually get started as a couple, especially if you were monogamous and now you want to switch. So what do you want to say about either why you like talking about this or what you think people should do to start out if they want to do this?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you know. I think that you know, obviously there's many very valid ways to participate in non-monogamy. I think you know everybody has the kind of their own journey, whether you're, like already in a couple or you're single and doing this on your own, or this is like what you've always known. But I think for people who like myself so this is also me speaking my life and who are like in a monogamous relationship and maybe like this kind of topic had never come up or like was not even like an option or things like that, i think it can be very intimidating to think about. You know, whether that comes from one person in the couple trying to like come out in a sense to their partner or like share their interest. It's hard, and so I think there's just so much. How do we say like deprogramming that you have to do from you know what you've been taught literally your entire life about, like how relationships should be. I think that's probably the hardest part.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, let me talk about that a lot in this podcast, that the societal ideas and pressures and all the stuff that goes with it. Like you said, the programming. So what is? or I mean, like I said, you can either talk about how you did it or how you would advise others to get started.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
So I wouldn't say that I did it in the best way, though I did not really have a lot of guidance or, like I mean, i did my research. I, you know, read books, listen to podcasts, stuff like that. But I think what's really hard is if you are, say, the person, so me in this situation, like if you're the person who is bringing this to a monogamous partner for the first time. I think it's so easy to lead with fear, and that's exactly what I did. I mean it was I would say that I did not at any point think like, oh, my husband's just going to be like, no, if that's even what you think were done, like I didn't think that, but I definitely was like, okay, well, i'm gonna bring this up and either he's gonna say okay, like we can think about this, or he's gonna say like, absolutely not, that's not a thing that I want. I didn't necessarily think it would break us up, but I thought it. There was a possibility it could get, just get shut down entirely, which would have been really hard for me. So, yeah, i was married. Probably. We've been married now five and a half years. So we were married three and a half years together six and a half when I first brought this up. So, yeah, i did not do it in a great way, didn't do it in a dishonest way, just I felt like I didn't really it kind of just like word vomit because I was just so afraid and you're going to be afraid.
Speaker 2:
I think what I would say in terms of like what I recommend people do is like really take the time to figure out like what it is that you want to say, because the reality is it's not going to come out how you wanted to come out, because there is going to be fear and that's okay.
Speaker 2:
But I think, the more that you can, you know, whether it's like journaling or just sitting and thinking or whatever you know come up with like the things that you're feeling sure about and also things you're not feeling sure about.
Speaker 2:
It's not like you have to approach this conversation and be like I've thought of every possible situation and this is what I want and all of them, i think, just to approach it with like a hey, this is something that I'm like feeling or discovering about myself and I want to share this with you and it was something that has been surprising to me, so I'm sure it's also going to be surprising to you and just kind of, you know, it's okay to say to your partner like I think I want to explore an aminagumi and I'm not quite sure what that looks like. Or you know, this is something I would really like us to learn more about together and I found these resources right. It's okay to not have all the answers, but I think the more time you can give yourself before, i think it's helpful to kind of like formulate your thoughts the best that you can, because in the moment it's not going to come out that way. But you know, if you have the more formulated in your head, i think that that can kind of help.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I can definitely see that in most areas, Like if you think through what you want to say and a lot of us just blurt it out and totally get it wrong again. Yeah, we definitely go ahead. No, i'm just gonna ask so, how did it go? I know you said you wouldn't recommend the way you did it, or you can talk about what you learned and to do it the way you want to.
Speaker 2:
I just kind of didn't know how to bring this up. So I, yeah, i just kind of it was in the middle of the pandemic also, so right, we're like second in our houses and all this stuff. And I just kind of like called them upstairs and was like, hey, so there's this thing that I've been reading about, which is really what started it all. I just kind of was consuming this content on social media and was like this is interesting. And then it like kind of evolved into like oh shoot, is this just interesting Or is this like interesting? And maybe me And I just had never been like presented with non monogamy as an option.
Speaker 2:
Like no one was like you can have one partner, multiple partners, or you can just date, or you can be single. It was pretty much just, you know, either you date and then you find the person you get engaged, married, all that stuff, or you're alone, like, though, that's that's what it seems like to me. And yeah, so I think from I will say and I always say on podcasts and anywhere else that I was very lucky. I am very lucky to be married to the man I'm married to and to have had the reaction I did, because he basically was like okay, um, this is kind of coming out of nowhere, but like can I think about this? I'm like, well, yeah, obviously, please, like don't feel compelled to like have any particular reaction right now. But yeah, so he kind of just took some time to like research himself and think about it.
Speaker 2:
And then we spent one very long car ride like kind of writing out some of our thoughts and fears and what we thought our initial you know, relationship agreements and boundaries would be like. And yeah, i mean it was. It went okay because he is a very kind person and was able to not respond with fear, which I think is a very normal reaction. And I always tell people that, like just because you get a fear response doesn't mean that like the conversation's over or you know that they don't love you or anything like that. It's just, this is our like normal, natural, like human response When something may perceive as a threat is presented.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, i can see that, and I know you talked about, or you want to talk about, common mistakes people make, so is that the good place for this?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think that. So, yeah, I mean, one of the things is not rushing right. So, from from that first conversation, right, like we don't. It might feel like it right, because usually, if you're the person bringing this up, you've been thinking about this for a while, sometimes like years, and it wasn't that long for me. But, you know, I think the person bringing this up has had a lot of time to like think about what this would look like or what you know what's important to them. They've also had a lot of time to think about how they think that their partner is going to react and how you know what they're going to say if they see this, that and the other. And so I think It's so hard not to but not rushing.
Speaker 2:
I think rushing is one of the big mistakes that people can make, because it's kind of like once it's out there, it's like okay, I don't know, like what do we do now? I don't wanna like kind of just let this go, but I also don't wanna pressure this person, you know. So I think that one of the big things is, like it really is okay to take literally as much time as you need to walk through the steps of like learning together, figuring this out, all that kind of stuff. So that's one big one. Another thing and I tell people this all the time it's opening for the most part. Of course there's always exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, opening a relationship is not going to fix anything. It's not gonna fix an issue that there already is in a relationship. Can it augment things or give different options and things like that? Yeah, of course. So like, for example, if there's like a libido mismatch in the relationship and someone feels like they be okay with their partner seeking having their sexual needs met outside the relationship, then can that help that? Yes, but that's not really a relationship problem, right? That's just a no one's doing anything wrong or making any mistake. It's just that they don't align in that way.
Speaker 2:
But in terms of like, if someone has, if there's already been infidelity or things like that, do I know people who have had infidelity in the relationship and then opened up and everything has been fine? Yes, And I would not recommend that as like a. You know, it's kind of I kind of put it a little bit similar to like sometimes when people are struggling in a relationship, maybe with like, their connection or something, and they think, well, we've always wanted to have children, let's have a baby and that'll, like bring us closer together. Are there some parts where it's gonna bring you closer together? Sure, when you go to get a sonogram, when you have a baby shower, all these things. But it's also gonna amplify all of the things that have been really hard in your relationship, And I think that's what nonmonogamy does as well.
Speaker 2:
And so I definitely recommend, like being on a solid footing either I mean really ideally, being on a solid funding, a solid foundation, right, That doesn't mean you don't have any problems, It doesn't mean everything's perfect and you never fight, or anything like that for sure. But I think either we need that foundation and or we need to like pretty close to that foundation and some type of like professional support around this container, to like make sure that we continue to shore up that foundation and not, you know, we don't want nonmonogamy to like fill in the cracks in the relationship. It's okay for it to exist on top of it, but we wanna keep working on that because, in a beautiful and challenging way, I think nonmonogamy is really a pressure cooker for growth, right, Like it can bring people closer together, absolutely, But that takes time and it's very hard for that to happen if there's already pretty big cracks in the foundation.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, i know I've talked to a couple of people and they mentioned communication and trust, so I'm guessing you would agree with those as well.
Speaker 2:
Yup, yeah, i mean, I think anyone who talks about I mean it's really relationships in general, right, Communication and trust. But I think in nonmonogamy obviously it's amplified because more than one person means all more than one. You know a lot more communication and all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, but I think, you know, I think, like for my husband and I we were just saying the other day like we trusted each other before we opened up, but I do think we trust each other so much more now and not like trust each other in this like like oh, you're not gonna cheat on me kind of way. I mean, of course, yes, that, but just trust each other and like I trust you, to be honest, i trust you to say like what's on your mind, or share if you have needs that aren't being met, or you know those kind of things. So, yeah, trust in communication always.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and I know we talked about initial agreements with the relationship. Is that a good time to talk about that?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, so there's. So once we've like had this conversation, or if you've already had it and you're like, okay, yeah, like we're both like on board with this, i think then a lot of people kind of get to the point of like, and now, what right? Like okay, we've like gotten past this hard, seemingly difficult part, right, having this conversation. And now we are like, okay, let's try and do this thing. But like, what in the heck does that look like? How do we like respect each other's boundaries? So I always encourage, again, communication and trust. Look at that.
Speaker 2:
I think that one of the biggest I guess this ties into mistakes too is, like one of the biggest things people do is they when they talk about, like these are my personal boundaries, so boundaries like for myself, and then relationship agreements between us. Sometimes people will kind of do this thing where they're like you know what we really do, trust each other. We really think that we have each other's you know best interest in mind and, yes, we want to get our needs met and we also, you know, are looking out for each other. This is important to us to maintain this relationship and we kind of make some assumptions, Which is not usually a good thing to do. So I've had a lot of people say to me, like if I ask, like, okay, what are, what are some of your relationship agreements? Can you give me an example? Sometimes people will say, well, one of our agreements is to not take advantage of the situation, or to lead with common sense, or to be transparent about our activities or things like this. And I just I, it's coming from such a good place, but in my head when I hear things like that, i just think what the heck does that mean? Right? and another big one is like to be respectful of each other. I have no idea what that means. Like that could mean so many different things. There's so many different people, and so I think the major, major thing with relationship agreements is being more specific and be more clear than you think you need to be.
Speaker 2:
It might seem like semantic or Like you know, we're not kindergartners, we understand, right, but but if I think that, if I think that Keeping my partner a prize of activities on a date means that I tell him that I have reached my destination and Then I text him when I'm getting in the car to come home, but he would prefer to know if we change location, right, like if we decide to go back to that person's apartment or whatever, then I'm not in his mind, right, keeping him right. So we have to talk about like these We I think these like glossing over. Well, you know, we'll just both like be respectful, like use common sense. You know we're both very important, so we're gonna put our relationship first.
Speaker 2:
If that's a thing that people want, which I think a lot of people start out with, this hierarchical mindset, which is fine, but yeah, it just gets, it just kind of becomes Either we don't realize how much there is that we could differ on, right, because we have a relationship in which we agree on what it means to be respectful, but now we're opening a whole different relationship dynamic and we might not see eye to eye on these things, or it's again a fear response of just like well, if we just say this, like we don't have to talk about like all these little uncomfortable things. So I think, like that's my main suggestion with relationship agreements is like no, you can't, like it's really okay to ask things that might seem silly and it's okay to say that too. Like hey, this might be like really specific, but how would you feel about if I was on a date and this happened. Right, it's okay to do that, because then you'll know People cannot be blind.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and I was just saying I can imagine where some people want to hear all the details and some people don't like knowing that ahead of time would be helpful before you spill the beans and they're like I didn't want to know.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, some people do and some people don't, right, like, personally, when my husband is out on a date, i prefer to know if they change location, simply for like, like, also safety reasons, like just to know where he is. I don't need to know, like, what's going on, or anything like that. I just, you said you're going to this restaurant and if you want, if you say, oh, we're actually gonna go get a drink elsewhere, fine, cool, i don't care. I just would prefer to like know where you are in case, God forbid, something happened, right, and I or you like didn't come home and it's three in the morning and I'm like you know he doesn't normally do this Like, is everything okay? Like, is he okay? Is she okay? So, yeah, but you know, for him, i'm in, so he days a little more casually.
Speaker 2:
I'm in a long-term, another long-term relationship. We've been together about a year now. So for him it was like that in the beginning, but now he's like I don't care, like I know you're with him for the weekend, whatever, right, but he also knows him, trusts him, they've spent time together, right, it's different. So you know, that's the other thing. I think that's important with relationship agreements is that they change over time. This is not gonna be a static document. You know it's gonna change all the time And it might even be different with different partners, which is fine. It's okay to feel comfortable with something, with one person and not another, i think, as long as we're approaching it with like a curiosity and wanting people to get their needs met and not from like a controlling kind of place.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and you mentioned you read books and did research. Is there anything in particular that helped you figure out this?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, i mean, i think that the book, the number one book that lots of people will recommend is Polysecure. I'm sure everyone you know says that There are a lot of other great books out there. Opening up is a good one. There's also a oh, it's funny, it's right there. And the podcast, multi-amory, is really great. I believe that team just published a book as well, which I have not read yet, but I believe they just published a book, so that, i would imagine, is great because their podcast is great.
Speaker 2:
You know, i think that you know, i started following a lot of like non-monogamous content creators, one of whom is Rachel Wright. She's a psychotherapist and a non-monogamous individual. She's amazing. There's a lot of great people out there. So I started following some people on Instagram And, again, just like looking for people who I felt like I could trust.
Speaker 2:
You know what they were saying, so you know whether they had been experiencing this for a long time, or maybe they've been featured in an article or something, or they have a therapy background, or you know, not to say at all that those who don't have those things can't be legit sources. They certainly can be, but you know, i think it's just a general cautionary tale of you know the world of technology, right, and just make sure that you know the people that you're, you know, seeking this kind of stuff from have some sort of you know following reputation or have been there for a little bit. You know, just to make sure that you're or and or you know, just like checking across sources, just like you. What if you were like literally writing a research paper? right, maybe you have people that you follow that maybe don't have giant followings or whatever. That doesn't mean it's not legit, but if you hear the same thing across different places, i think that that's a pretty good you know indication.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, it makes sense, and this might be the time where you can talk about yourself, because I know you provide. you help people in this realm as well.
Speaker 2:
I sure do. Yeah, so I am a therapist by background. Nominogamy is not my therapy niche, but I fairly recently started in the coaching world specifically around nominogamy, because I found that there really are. There really is a lack of resources for the community. There are so many out there and there's nowhere near the amount that there are for other kinds of relationships, Right. So I am a non-monogamous relationship coach and I specifically I help all kinds of people, but I specifically am hoping and looking to continue working with people who are kind of new to this. So my signature coaching program is called non-monogamous newbies, because why not some alliteration and all types of non-monogamy?
Speaker 2:
I am polyamorous myself, but I believe that all non-monogamous identities are valid and we all got to band together and support each other in this socially somewhat unacceptable thing that we do. So, yeah, so I run that 12-week program that goes all the way from like what's your why? You know what are you hoping to get out of non-monogamy, to relationship agreements, What type of non-monogamy is for you? Jealousy, conflict resolution, all that kind of stuff coming out, all that jazz. And then for people who, like myself, are maybe in a monogamous relationship and trying to figure out like how the heck to have this conversation in a way that's going to come across as genuine and such. I also have a mini program for that, where I work with people, like step by step, to get through the like how you're going to talk about this when, what words we're going to use, how to communicate what you've already thought of in your head right, Because that's such a big part of this right And you're either I feel like you're either in one place or another right, Like you've looked at it and you're interested, but like your partner has no clue and it's this big question mark.
Speaker 2:
Or you've talked about it and they're on board. But then there's a different kind of big question mark of like how do we start this? So that is what I do And it's great. I love it. I love supporting people And you know, wish again, I wish I had that. Luckily for me, it turned out okay. But you know, to have had someone to support me and walk me through that kind of stuff in the beginning, I think would have been super helpful.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, for sure. Are there any like obviously what you provide is awesome And is there like a parting thing you want, is like a summary that you want to just share?
Speaker 2:
to Yeah, i think that one of my big like kind of messages is you know it's, there's so much stigma here, right? And while people like you and I might not get it at all, that doesn't really help people who you know, right? So I think my biggest message to like listeners and anyone who comes across, like my Facebook group or my Patreon, whatever is look, there's nothing wrong with being number one intellectually curious about something, right, like, just because you're not sure if it's something for you or not. There's nothing wrong with following someone on Instagram or joining my Facebook group or looking up some articles, listening to a podcast, reading a book. There's nothing wrong with just like, letting yourself have that like healthy intellectual curiosity.
Speaker 2:
And if it comes then to the point where you're like hmm, this is interesting, but not for me, but this is, this is cool, like good for other people, fantastic, then you can move on right. And if it comes to like I don't know, like, maybe this is for me or maybe I do kind of align with some part of this, i just don't know where there are like, there is support out there And so I I just always like, encourage people like you know, go ahead, read the things. Listen to the things, it's really OK. There's so many different kinds of people in the world, so many different kinds of relationships and ways to Love and ways to you know have sexual fulfillment. All this Just let yourself be curious and see where it takes you And then, if it takes you to this place, then you know, look out there for people who you know make this part of their life to talk about, to get that support.
Speaker 1:
OK, awesome, And do you want to say how they can reach you?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah yeah, So I am on Instagram and Facebook again Nominagamist newbies. So if you look that up on Facebook, I have a private group. Always tell people it's private because no one will see that you're in it, if you're concerned about that. And on Instagram it's the same Nominagamist underscore newbies. And yeah, I go live in those groups and I share all kinds of support and you can DM me and all that stuff. So it's that's probably the best way to get in touch with me right now.
Speaker 1:
All right, well, thank you very much. This was another good topic for people. Like I said, i've talked about it, but more like when people are already doing it. So this is a good get started and good to know there are coaches for that kind of thing too And for especially for that initial conversation. So it sounds like that's you, that's your, one of your main things you do too, all right, well, thank you very much for being on and hope you all enjoyed it And, if you did, be sure to tell your friends about it, rate it and recommend this podcast, especially this episode, to other people. All right, thanks again, lynn or Jess, sorry, i always do that when there's two first news.