Finding Love After 40 with Naomie Thompson

Ever found yourself wondering if the romantic ship has sailed once you hit the over-40 mark? Worry not, as Naomie Thompson joins me in an honest dissection of the midlife dating game, spiced with anecdotes and hard-earned wisdom that will rekindle your belief in love's later bloom. We're peeling back the layers of emotional challenges, from the impact of early life experiences to the quest for vulnerability, and showing you how these can sculpt the search for a soulmate after life's curveballs, like divorce.
Link to website: https://naomiethompson.com/

Naomie and I get real about the strategies that can pivot your dating journey from a merry-go-round of disappointments to a purposeful quest for connection. It's about digging deep into what makes you tick and transforming past relationship letdowns into a clear vision for what you truly desire. With a practical exercise to guide you, we illuminate the path to identifying the core qualities you seek in a partner, how to radiate curiosity on dates, and why holding out for that second date could be a game-changer.

But it's not all about looking inward; Naomie brings a treasure trove of optimism and tactical advice to keep your spirits high on the dating front. Through a mix of storytelling and expert coaching, we furnish you with the mindset and techniques to attract the love you deserve. From the allure of positive thinking to the underrated power of active listening, this conversation is your heartfelt guide to navigating the dating world with hope, resilience, and a dash of playfulness. Join us for a journey that may just lead you to the relationship you've been seeking, even if you thought it was too late.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight From the Sources Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Naomi Thompson and we'll be talking about dating over 40. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me, naomi.

Speaker 2: 0:20

My pleasure, tamara. My pleasure. It's something I love to speak about because I was dating over 40 after my divorce and I remember the hopeless feelings, I remember the struggles. I remember all my old insecurities flooding back and also I noticed that I was still drawn to the same kind of guys and I had to change that. So I really and I'm in a wonderful relationship now with a guy who's very different from any guy I've ever dated and had a relationship with before. So I know it's possible, but I really get the challenges.

Speaker 1: 1:00

Yeah, we talked a little bit before where I'm in a Facebook group with over 50 daters and a lot of them are struggling and I say it's because of you know, like, like you kind of said, the previous baggage and all the stuff they used to think about dating or themselves or worry that the other person basically not being vulnerable enough to let the other person into. So but yeah, let's just get started with some of the first thing you talked about is like the issues women have, for people have dating over 50, over 40 would are, or expand on, but you just talked about yeah, that there can be.

Speaker 2: 1:37

You know there's a unless we've been widowed, we, unless we were in a great relationship and we lost our partner suddenly. Then, really putting that situation aside, generally there is a reason why we are in midlife and we are single and that love doesn't seem to be working out. And that reason isn't that there's anything wrong with you or that you're doing anything wrong. There isn't. It isn't that you are wrong in some way, but there will be a very good reason why. And that is usually because in our early life there will have been habits and patterns of behavior, probably to protect us. You know, from feelings and situations when we were very young, habits and patterns that we got into that meant we kind of closed up our heart. You know, really deep, connected love comes from an emotional connection. To have an emotional connection with someone we need certain levels of vulnerability and if, when we are young, for whatever reason, being vulnerable didn't feel safe, it's going to be very, very hard to open our hearts to the kind of vulnerability that's needed to have that wonderful connected relationship where we feel seen and cherished and loved. So what will happen if our heart is closed? It's like so I've just got both my hands up here for anyone who's hearing this but not seeing it. You know it's like we're choosing someone who has the set.

Speaker 2: 3:17

Unconsciously we choose someone who has the same tolerance for intimacy. We that we do so. If, for example, I've got a number six tolerance of intimacy, I will choose someone who's got a number six intimacy tolerance for intimacy. Because if I'm going to choose someone who's got a number 10 tolerance for intimacy, they're going to want to come a lot closer to me the my intimacy tolerance can handle at that point in my life. So I will feel safer choosing someone who has the same or a lower tolerance or intimacy intimacy, yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:49

So then what happens is that it's all unconscious and that's why we often feel drawn to the same kind of people. They may look different, they may present differently, but we always end up with the same kind of complaints I don't feel quite loved, he can't commit, he's not affectionate. So the situation I always found myself in is I always went for men who would pull away a certain amount, never quite gave me the love I wanted and were never verbally affectionate. But some of you or listeners might also relate to in the younger years, teenage years, early 20s, all the guys who were very loving, the who really wanted to give that adoration and cherishing and love, they kind of felt like they were too nice, like to me. It was like, oh no, they're too nice and we will want to pull away from. No, no, they're more like friends, whereas actually they're the kind of great guys to have relationships with, you know.

Speaker 2: 4:55

So, coming back to the beginning of what I was saying, that inner protector that protects us from being vulnerable, that inner protector is one of the hugest stumbling blocks for people in midlife. We think we know our type, but if you are in midlife and you're single and you are dating and you're struggling with love, I want everyone to take on the idea you don't know your type. If you knew that type, you'd be with them in a sweet, loving, beautiful marriage by now, living your life together. We need to relearn that and relearn how to be turned on by, instead of being turned on by some people who are hot and cold or unavailable or unloving. You know, we get activated and, as part of us, gets turned on by that. We actually want to relearn what we get drawn to and that will change everything.

Speaker 1: 5:58

Yeah, and I talk a lot about attachment styles and in this group people are learning about attachment styles too and unfortunately, like a lot of people are online dating, the avoidance are full force. You know online dating because they're the ones that break up constantly in our single often. So then, and then the anxious type who really wants a relationship generally end up. You know, it's kind of push-pull thing. And I do want to say back to the two nice thing I read a long time ago AskMencom and they said women want a challenge. We would prefer a positive challenge, which is, like you know, the unicorn guy that everyone would love. But because there aren't that many of them, when we have to choose between a negative challenge and two nice, we're going to go for the negative challenge or the jerks or the assholes, just because we want a little bit of a challenge. Like you're saying, we're used to that kind of challenge. We think that's what we want. But you know that's part of the pattern we need to break, I would say obviously.

Speaker 2: 6:54

Absolutely. And I'd say with these unicorn guys, there is more of them than we would believe there are more of them, but our radar is like we're a heat seeking missile, you know we're. Our radar is for the old, familiar pattern and that's what our brains do. Our brain looks for the familiar because it feels safe and we will start looking. My dad was very avoidant, very unavailable, you know so. So I, that's what I would seek deep inside for me, that equated love. I mean, we're obviously we're diving deeper into this. But actually one of the very clear steps I take my women through my mentorship is understand your patterns, understand what is going on for you, because awareness is key. You know, when you know what's going on inside of you, when you understand your reactions, when you understand your resistance, then you have a choice. It's not running you, yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:56

Yeah, yeah for sure, I mean like I said, in that group there's a lot of that going on, like they talk about types and it's interesting because it's layman giving advice. Like you know it's. It differs often. What do you have an opinion about where you should get advice from? Like you know, I've had a previous coach this like the single. You don't want to listen to the single people necessarily, or do you have? You know what kind of advice do you say people should and shouldn't take?

Speaker 2: 8:23

Gosh, yes, I would say from no. Often our friends mean well, but they don't always. They have our, they have our best interests at heart. But we got to look at the perspective of the person who you're getting advice from. If there is a couple, they've had a long relationship. You can tell that they're very connected, very kind to each other, they're very considerate, he's very attentive to her, she's appreciative and warm to him and they have this lovely relationship. They are going to be amazing people to speak to about relationships, yeah, but your friend who's been forever single is just not going to be the person because she may well have the perspective you know he or she may have the perspective you know relationships are dangerous. Don't go near it. Be a better off single and they're going to want to talk you out of being in any relationship and also choosing professionals who you can see, who you can connect with in terms of what they've been through and their journey and their path and the results they have in their life.

Speaker 1: 9:33

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, and from that group there was one woman. She's, you know, 60 and trying to date and she's like you know, basically, is there, is there hope, or is there like, what would you say to people either newly dating, like you know, straight out of divorce, after some time to reflect and learn about themselves, like, once they get out there, what's the how would you say to approach dating initially?

Speaker 2: 10:01

Well, first off, I would say really own up to your desire, own up to what you want. So many, I would say women I mean, I work primarily with women but so many people dumb down their desire because they'll feel somehow that maybe I need to settle for less. And actually owning up to your desire and finding out what is it I really want, not, what is it that my parents wanted for me? Not? Is it that my friends want for me, that society says I should have? But actually what is it I really want? How do I want to feel in my relationship? Do I want someone to travel the world with? Do I actually want, do I want, to be married? Do I want a weekend boyfriend and be free the rest of the week? What actually do I really want and, most importantly, how do I want to feel in that relationship?

Speaker 2: 11:01

Quite often people and I'd say one of the biggest mistakes people make with dating is looking for sparky chemistry straight away. Yeah, you know they'll go for chemistry and both you and I all know often that chemistry is just our old patterns, our nervous system getting activated by our old patterns and the familiar. Yeah, and actually, you know that kind of raw, excitable chemistry is a terrible indicator of whether someone's a great partner. Yeah, but we're trained by movies and Disney and so on that this is what needs to happen when we first meet someone. So owning up to your own desire makes the whole dating process about you and what you're looking for, rather than about getting that hot guy to like you or trying to make it work with someone.

Speaker 2: 11:58

Yeah, and I would say that is one of the most important thing I bring my ladies back to all the time. Come back to you what is it you really want? And actually owning up to it, because you know I used to feel like I remember feeling like I wasn't that. I'm not that kind of girl that gets the cherishing and the love and the romance and the flowers, and all of that Part of me felt like I just that was for other people. And when you own up to your desire, really own up to it, you go I really want that, I really want to be romanced and cherished and loved and cuddled every day, and told her I'm loved every day. And when we own up for that are what we look for on, our radar starts to change.

Speaker 1: 12:46

Yeah, and I was just saying the kind of list you're describing is not like attributes, like physical stuff, it's more how you want to feel in a relationship. So I was going to ask, like, do you think people should kind of write out what they want? But it sounds more like how you feel versus like he has this and this and this.

Speaker 2: 13:06

Yeah, a great process someone can do. I do. I give this as a worksheet. A great process people can do is to get a page and put four columns and in the first column, you just bring to mind your exes. You bring to mind exes even just see them right in front of you and you, you, as you look at them, you just notice what did I learn from them that I really, really don't want Like I don't want to be belittled. I don't want to feel lonely because that's my partner's working all the time. I don't want to be talked down to. I don't want whatever it is that that relationship brought that you don't want. Because for me, a really incredible way, a very powerful way of knowing what you do want is to start off by knowing what you don't want. Yeah, then in the next column you go how did that make me feel Like I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't hold my hand when we're out? How did that make me feel? That made me feel lonely, made me feel sad, made me feel small. We only want to kind of nod to the past. We don't want to dwell there too long. And then we go to the next column where we flip those don't wants into once. So if I don't want to feel sad and lonely and I don't want a partner who can't hold my hand and be affectionate, let's flip it to what you do want in column three. What do I want? I want someone who's going to be affectionate. I want to hold the hand of my partner every time we go out and to feel his strong hand in mine.

Speaker 2: 14:57

Then in the fourth column and I hope this is helpful for people this process in the fourth column is how would that, how would being in that relationship? Have I visualised being in the relationship now with the man who's holding my hand, being loving and affectionate, holding me close on a cold, windy day? How would that make me feel right now? As if that was happening now. It makes me feel warm, like my heart feels bigger, I feel safe, I feel soft. Then that's what we put in that fourth column. Then what happens? We can say okay, if we were to look at column three and four, what are the qualities of a partner who does everything in column three? And those qualities become kindness, considerate, willing to communicate, loving, affectionate, open. So suddenly our list of qualities becomes so much more discerning because it comes from the deeper need that we have.

Speaker 2: 16:05

Then, in column four, this is the real desire vision is I feel warm, I feel safe, my heart feels open. And if you notice, in columns three and four, there is nothing about his height, his financial status, his education. Now, yes, if you're an intelligent person, you're going to want a partner who has some intelligence. If you want someone who has the means to be able to have enough financial means, however, what we're looking for now, if we look at column four, I want to feel safe in a relationship. If you meet someone who's got a huge amount of debt that isn't just their mortgage you're not going to feel safe. So it comes back to that feeling. And if any of your listeners want that worksheet, I'm happy to share it with you and just contact me. But that's how we can really go into our desire vision without and own up to our desire without all the muddle of I really want a guy who's taller than me. I really want a guy whose university educated. None of those are indicators of great partners.

Speaker 1: 17:27

Yeah, like on paper they might look like your type. Like you said earlier, doesn't mean your type is the right type, but yeah, so how it? And I would imagine, when you're going on like a first date and you want to see how you feel and column four on each date versus, like, how would you start? Like, when you arrive at a date, like what would you say is the best way to approach it and know and look for, like assessing compatibility or not, or yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:58

Well, I would say we got to take the pressure off ourselves with dates and if we can have the approach and mindset, then, rather than looking to see if this person could potentially be my partner for life, is I'm just showing up, curious about the person in front of me and how they make me feel and the only thing I have to decide is do I want a second date?

Speaker 2: 18:22

I mean, as soon as I say that, that just makes me feel light, it makes me feel like, okay, there's no pressure, yeah, and also otherwise, we can be on a roller coaster of hope and disappointment, hope and disappointment, and if that happens too much, we'll just want to give up, whereas if we just go with curiosity and openness for the human being in front of me and knowing that what we're doing when you're dating at this point in your life is you are getting curious about yourself and your old patterns and being open to creating new patterns and being attracted to people maybe you're not instantly attracted to, but letting the attraction grow, letting the chemistry grow. So, even if there isn't chemistry straight away, if someone's a great person seems very loving, solid, kind, consistent, warm, just saying hey, I'm curious, I'd like to meet them again.

Speaker 1: 19:20

Yeah, and I've heard before that you should go after the ones that actually like you, you know, like the ones that show the most interest, like some people just they want that challenge and go after the ones that don't show any interest or very little interest. I'm assuming where you are on that side, but can you talk to that?

Speaker 2: 19:38

Oh my goodness, yes, and first of all, again, in the whole spirit of awareness and understanding your patterns, if you are dating and there's someone who's showing little interest in you, they're not messaging back, they're. You know, I'm very much of the school of thinking of polarity. I think when a man leads the dating process and a woman is open and warm and appreciative and will follow his lead, you have a very, very happy, satisfactory dating process there. But when you find yourself being drawn towards people who are kind of more avoidant, that they're not coming towards you, they're not showing you, they're into you, it's to notice that pattern inside of you, like bring it into your consciousness and go, oh my goodness.

Speaker 2: 20:32

Almost as if I say to my girls I just say be aware of it. As if you were gonna write an essay on it, as if you were studying for a science project. Oh my gosh, what is it that happens inside of me when there is somebody not giving me what I really want? Oh my gosh, I feel like I just wanna hunt them down. I feel like I just wanna say don't forget me, I exist. I feel like I want to chase them. Then what's important there is to have tools to do the opposite Is to actually have a pattern interrupt where you break that pattern and start to do something different, and then that's where retraining your whole brain and your nervous system will change everything.

Speaker 1: 21:20

Yeah. So you show up and you just are warm and inviting and how do men respond to that? Like in your experience that is pretty much the ideal, I would assume like I wanna say more about how the men or have you heard or believe that men can sense, like when you have underlying beliefs about dating, or like they can tell you're nervous and or don't like men or don't like to date or hate it or whatever those thoughts are. Do you feel like men can?

Speaker 2: 21:53

I would say anybody is okay to be nervous. Let's just normalize that we get nervous. It's absolutely okay to be nervous. We all are. That's just very human and that's very vulnerable and real. So, yes, it's totally fine to be nervous. He'll be nervous and you will be nervous.

Speaker 2: 22:16

What a guy will pick up on is your, the vibe you radiate. Now we radiate a vibe. What's ever going on? Whether our heart is closed up, whether we're angry at men, whether we are totally open and warm and curious, even if we do nothing, we're radiating a vibe. We're radiating energy and other people pick up on that energy. It's not just woo-woo stuff, this is just. We can feel it. We can feel what's going on inside someone else, even if we don't know what it is. We know that there's something, especially anger when we are really angry still and feeling resentful towards an ex. That can absolutely come across and I would say, learning how to process that anger is really important. We don't wanna stuff any feeling down because it will always come up again, but we wanna learn how to process that anger.

Speaker 2: 23:18

I would say, and as well as especially women, often we feel like we can't stand a gap in the conversation when we're dating. So your opposite, a guy, you might be feeling really nervous and there's a gap in the conversation because he'll be nervous too. You wanna meet men who are clueless at dating, because the ones who are really good at it may have been dating a lot or they're really smooth. It's okay. If a guy's clunky, he'll be nervous too. Your temptation might be to jump in and lead the conversation. So I would just say, allow yourself to be comfortable with some silence and, instead of jumping in straight away and running away with chattering, the way through the whole date is to just take a gap, interrupt that pattern. Just feel that urge in your body to want to jump in and practice listening.

Speaker 2: 24:24

You know, it's very, very rare for a woman to show up on a date and actually really listen to a guy. Women are used to being there talking, conversing, listening a lot to each other. Guys don't often get someone really listening listening without interrupting, listening without giving opinion, and it's actually incredible. It's incredible for you to really hear what that person's saying, because when a person is talking, they are showing you who they are. They're sharing a lot of information about themselves.

Speaker 2: 25:02

For example, I was talking to a guy and I just let him talk and as he was talking, what I realized and heard about him was that his default when a relationship isn't good is to find someone else very quickly that he over promises. For example, he was telling me where he lived and it was a very big triangle between where he lives and where his children live. And oh no, I'll make it work, I'll be able to come and see you three times a week. He over delivered. I learned all of this just by letting him speak. Yeah, and of course, there's times to respond and ask questions, but I think, as a woman, just notice, see how much you can just listen to the man in front of you and hear what he's saying and let him lead the conversation in the main.

Speaker 1: 25:52

Yeah, and then from there decide how you feel, if you want a second one or do you recommend going at more than one, unless there's something like terrible like how many things? Yeah?

Speaker 2: 26:03

if somebody shows up as just being a really decent human, absolutely meet them again. We've got to normalize the idea that chemistry can grow. It doesn't always, because if we are, it doesn't always grow because not everybody's compatible. However, if we're not used to having a really attentive, loving, committed partner in our life and there's someone very attentive and very committed sat in front of us, yes, I would want a woman to meet him again. Meet him again and be open and be curious and just see what can happen. Because so many of my clients have wanted to give up on the partner that they're with now and they'll be like Nemi. I think I'm just gonna let him go and not date him anymore and I just say one more date and just see. And as the chemistry grows, everything changes and there's suddenly a completely different relationship than they've ever had.

Speaker 1: 27:10

Yeah, that's awesome. All right, well, I wanted to give you some time to let people know how to reach you and any programs you have as well, so it seems like a good spot to mention that.

Speaker 2: 27:21

Yeah, absolutely yeah. So I'm a dating and relationship coach and I specialize in working with women over 40 dating after divorce or dating after significant breakups. And if they're really, a lot of women who come to me are feeling hopeless about love, hopeless about dating, ready to give up. They want a relationship that's unlike any that they've had before. They don't want the old pattern, but they're really struggling to meet A partner who they really feel safe and loved by. And and yes, you know I have a I have a program that I take, I take women through, I work one to one and I have also have a group program that is so supportive and loving it just is fantastic.

Speaker 2: 28:09

So, yes, if anyone out there is feeling that way and would really like that kind of regular support and cheerleading and what I really work with, I know that so many of us in midlife can actually feel terrified by dating and love. It can be feel so painful and I feel like we've got a comfort zone and we've got a discomfort, fear, terror zone, and I think we believe there's only those two places. Like I'm either just going to carry on the way I am or it's going to be absolutely terrifying and I'm going to get my heart broken. I work in a zone in the middle I call the stretch zone and I will always want to stretch you out of the comfort zone to try new things, because retraining your brain and your nervous system takes baby step repetitive practice of tools, practice of process, and so I feel like I'm kind of gentle, tough loving.

Speaker 2: 29:16

So if people want that, if they want that stretch, and if they really want to learn something new, then absolutely I'd love to hear from you. It's Naomi Thompsoncom. You can find me, naomie Thompson, and, yes, I'm on YouTube and Instagram, but I can give you my web address, tamara, if you want to pop it in the notes for this podcast.

Speaker 1: 29:44

Yeah, I'll add it to the description and you can say it now too, if you want, or.

Speaker 2: 29:48

Yes, literally. Naomi Thompsoncom, Naomie T-H-O-M-P-S-O-Ncom, and on Instagram. Yes, I'm on Instagram as well. Tiktok, all over the place, same handle.

Speaker 1: 30:03

Luckily you have a unique name that works out.

Speaker 2: 30:05

Yes, absolutely, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 30:09

Okay, well, and is there any like final comments? Just kind of wrap up the session in any books that you recommend, or if you're a reader or suggest books, and if not, that's fine too. You can just make final comments.

Speaker 2: 30:23

I would say one of my final comments is is a mindset, our love attraction. Mindset is really, really important and again, that takes time to change and shift, to get out of the old groove and to, if anybody notices that feeling of envy, jealousy or hopelessness when they see other people in the kind of relationships they really want, what I would want you to do is to kind of is to do the envy flip and just flip that to gratitude, and I know some people go on their gratitude. You're going to make me write things down every day about gratitude and I'm saying no, just say it out loud, just say thank you for showing me this great relationship, thank you for showing me that this great relationship exists, and if it exists, I can have it too. If she can have it, I can have it. So if that is a mantra, these kind of mindsets keep you going, and one of the biggest things that I am will champion and cheerlead you on is how to keep going in a way that you will feel empowered and not traumatized, because dating can feel traumatizing. So that mindset if she can have it, so can I. If he can have it, so can I. If God, life, the universe, whatever we want to call it has put this person, this friend, in front of me who's engaged this amazing relationship on Instagram that I see. If they put that in front of me, it's a sign that it exists and I can have it. If they can have it, so can I. So that's what I'd just love to leave you all with, yeah yeah, that's perfect ending.

Speaker 1: 32:14

Get the hope back in there and the mindset and actually something like that worked for me. I was on a bus and I saw all these couples and I'm like I want that. And after I got off the bus I met a guy we dated for a year. So I just remember thinking I really want that and then it happened. So, yeah, it's definitely possible. All right, well, thank you very much. Naomi Thompson, reach out to her for one on one coaching or a group program, or just check out that worksheet she mentioned as well on her website. And thank you very much for being on and if you enjoyed this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it. And thank you again, my pleasure.

Speaker 2: 32:52

And I just forgot to say I have a free audio training on my site as well, so please do click and get that and write to me if you'd like that worksheet.

Speaker 1: 33:00

Okay, awesome, all right, thanks everyone. Frank talk. Frank talk sex and dating educate.