Reigniting Midlife's Spark: Mindset coaching After 50 with Suzy Rosenstein

Ever wondered how to rekindle the thrill of possibility in life's second act? Suzy Rosenstein joins me, Tamara, to share her transformative "needle point epiphany" and how it catapulted her from health education into a thriving career as a midlife coach. Our conversation is a treasure trove for men and women over 50, brimming with insights on embracing change, pursuing passion, and rewriting the narrative of aging.

We unpack the 'FUN method' framework, an approach that helps illuminate your deepest desires and lays out a path to achieve them. Susie and I explore how small, intentional steps can lead to significant life shifts and the importance of understanding our emotions' roots in our thoughts and beliefs. It's a profound reminder that the best is not behind us; it's waiting to be seized with intention and a pinch of daring.

Wrapping up, we plunge into the nuances of midlife dating with frankness and warmth in "Frank Talk." Discover how to navigate the complexities of modern relationships with an optimistic mindset and learn practical tips for recalibrating before dates or social events. Our candid discussion is sure to resonate whether you're seeking love or simply looking to inject more hope into your daily life. Join Suzy and me for this heart-to-heart on unlocking midlife's abundant opportunities.

Transcript

Suzy: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight From the Sources.

Tamara: 0:02

Mouth podcast, frank talk about sex and dating. Hello everyone, tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Suzy Rosenstein. All right, and we'll be talking about midlife dating. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me today, Suzy. So glad to be here. Yes, I think this will be a good topic and I know you're a coach and you talk about mindset with the midlife audience. So do you want to start out by saying, like how you got started or like what, why this is important to you?

Suzy: 0:37

Yeah, well, specifically what I do and what I get very excited about doing is I help women 50 plus get crystal clear about what they want so that they can create an actual roadmap. They can really see clearly where they're going to have more fun and more meaning in their lives and reduce the likelihood that they'll have regrets. So it really gets me excited, I have to say, because so many of us in midlife were winging it and we're in this autopilot. Oh my god. Another 10 years went by and that just won't do.

Tamara: 1:10

Yeah, yeah, especially as we get older, and time flies much faster when you get older, it sure does.

Suzy: 1:17

It really seems like it does for sure. So the way I came to it, there's kind of two parts to the story. The first part is just my origin story. You know, I far outlive my parents and unfortunately they both died very young my mother when she was 32, my father when he was 41. So I was 5 and 12 when that happened and what that ended up creating for me was this lens on life that aging really is a privilege, it's a gift, and I grew up with that. You know, really seeing that not everybody gets to age.

Suzy: 1:54

And then, you know, fast forward a few decades and I was in a long-term job in health education and all of a sudden, what seemed like all of a sudden, after decades doing this work, I was no longer content and it kind of felt like it came out of nowhere. So I had been in this field for 27 years, but in this specific job for 14 years or 15 years when I started to feel this way and sorry, I hit my microphone, hope it didn't make too much noise, but I started to feel just there's got to be more. I meant for more. I'm bored. I don't know exactly what's wrong. I certainly don't know how to fix it, all these things. And I started to do some thinking. This was before coaching. I didn't know anything about coaching, I didn't know anything about podcasts, I don't even know if I had a smartphone at that time. I was just like going, uh-oh, I have a background in psychology and so I kind of tried to draw on my natural interest in self-development. I started asking some friends oh my god, what should I do? And I wasn't getting really far quickly. But I was starting to have some insights, but they seemed murky. But I could tell that one of the things that I really wanted more of was more interaction with people. So I always worked with the people who worked with the people because I was in a book publishing and making resources and things like that in hospital and public health settings. So I was like, no, I miss the people. I'm really good at the people. I want the people. So I started to go okay, now what does that mean? So I started to look into PhD programs. To you know, I had a master's in psychology. Maybe I'd do more there or maybe I'll go into guidance work. And I was thinking, who do I like working with? And I was just very confused and asking everybody. I knew what I should be doing.

Suzy: 3:57

And then one day I ended up in a needle point store of all places. I was working on a couple of projects for my kids and I was blown away by so many things, like it was so beautiful. I was new to needle points, so seeing a whole store dedicated to it with all the beautiful threads and the canvases on the walls and the threads and the people, and in the back of the room I really I remember walking in just going wow, what's going on here? You know you think a needle point and it's small and this was like and so bright. So I see in the back of the room there's this woman who was teaching. I didn't know at that point she was the owner of the store, but she was teaching a group of women who were all like leaning over this high table, like studying, like what are they doing. And I, you know, I walked around looking at the walls and what was for sale and I was very curious about them and I could see they all had their reading glasses on and lights and they were focused and I think they were doing some beating work on the needle point threads and I just had this epiphany. I call it my needle point epiphany. I'm like this woman figured out how to make a living from a hobby or a passion like needle point, needle point of all things Like. To me that was just like who does this? How is this even possible? She loves what she's doing. Look at these women, look how she's so lit up.

Suzy: 5:28

And I went back to work and I just remember sitting at my desk and thinking what the heck? I thought I was going to be an entrepreneur. How did she do it with needle point? And I'm still sitting here, you know, decades in, and it was nothing wrong with my job. But I just been there too long and as I started to think about my history with entrepreneurial adventures and ventures, I've been doing it my whole life since I was 13. I've been dabbling. I started with calligraphy when I was 13 and doing envelopes for people, and then I made jewelry with clay and I made beaded wire things, jewelry, head coverings, I decorative hair accessory type things. And I just have been doing stuff with my hands my whole life and having little entrepreneurial ideas my whole life.

Suzy: 6:20

At one point in the 90s, the early 90s I even I even had a partner and we made something called the baby time capsule. It was a time capsule product, and so I'd always been interested in being an entrepreneur. And then, when I look at what I'd always done professionally and academically, it had to do with studying behavior and behavior change, because I was in social psychology, and so I just started to think what is all this mean and what should I do? And I had no clue at that point that what I was experiencing as confusion was actually fear, and that was very hard for me to appreciate. I didn't really get it when I was in the in the middle of being so stuck, but there was so much, it was so uncomfortable and such a negative feeling.

Suzy: 7:14

And then at one point I got laid off, which turned out to be the gift I couldn't give myself. Right, it seemed horrible, I felt sick to my stomach, but I had this little voice saying who? This might be a really good thing. Maybe you just couldn't do it yourself, but maybe, maybe this is it. And I kind of leaned into it and I took some kind of a career course in the community, met some other people who were searching, took some cycle you know those personality psychology type testing things in career and eventually I ran into a friend of mine who was a coach About six months in to being laid off and I realized I participated in something she offered for free and I I just thought, wow, this is so interesting.

Suzy: 7:58

I was a little suspicious at first because I thought who are these coaches? I was for decades working with psychiatrists and psychologists and clinical social workers and Our coaches like trying to do that sort of thing, and I could see in my limited experience with her that it wasn't like that at all. She stayed in her lane and so as soon as I saw that this is different, these, this isn't somebody who's trying to do something she's not qualified for, and the lane that she's in is the lane that excites me. So I just asked her where she went.

Suzy: 8:30

I took my education severance and I didn't know what I was going to do after I went to this training. But I knew something that I teach my clients all the time is that it's impossible to know everything. You're not going to get a roadmap tied up in a bow. Here you go. This is your future, this is your next chapter, but what we can do is get crystal clear on the next best step to create that roadmap, and that's what I. That was like. My first real aha is. This feels right, I don't have all the answers and it's okay. So I took that step, I worked on myself and then eventually I determined that working with midlife women on helping them get clear about the roadmap that they wanted to develop was my passion. So that's what happened. Yeah, no, that's awesome because it means so many people are in the same boat where they they don't.

Tamara: 9:25

they're not happy, they know they want to change but they're just stuck. Like you said. I know many people in my own life, you know that, are that feel that way and they're trying to figure it out and and yeah, they're trying to figure it out, and yeah it's, they don't probably see it as fear as well and they're in a job where it's like if it's paying well, they're like, well, I might as well stay. You know, maybe they're not going to get laid off like you, but you know that's the catalyst that helped you like I don't know. It seems like some people say like the universe would like make something happen, to like kind of force it to happen. You know, are you start getting sick or something happens to you to make the change?

Suzy: 10:01

Well, you know, what happened was I turned 50 that year. My first kid left the nest I have three kids and it just seemed like it did kind of seem like it was happening for me, although the layoff didn't happen as a result of, you know, my kid leaving the nest or me turning 50. But when I took a high level, look at, oh my gosh, I think I'm right on track. I think I'm right on track to have what some people might want to call a midlife crisis. I really believe it's not crisis worthy, but it is on a very important wake up call to help you reflect on what it is that you want.

Tamara: 10:43

No, it's jarring, I'll give it that it's jarring, yeah, and it's there for a reason, like it's your clue that there's something else you should be doing, like you've done the things and now you're ready for something new, and it's just taking this step like you did. So, like when you, when you coach people how, how do you get him to see that, or is it? Is it there? They come to you, usually in that same state, kind of like feeling stuck.

Suzy: 11:06

They definitely feel stuck, and that's the language that they use. And and the thing is very surprising for them because, like me, I I couldn't figure it out, like I had always been somebody who could figure things out very quickly it's like, oh, I'm stuck, there's a problem, this needs to be done. I don't know how to do it. Let's get to work, let's figure it out. And it was easy for me to see at a high level what needed to be done. And this was the first time I was like, man, I have no clue what to do. Here I am, I was feeling confused and a lot of my clients say that too.

Suzy: 11:43

It's like, yeah, I'm stuck, I'm really feeling like something needs to change, and a lot of times they're anticipating a big transition point, like a milestone, birthday turning 50 or 60, the kids leaving the first or the last, but they're, they're kind of anticipating that this is a notable transition. And the pre retirement leading up to retirement, that's a big one too. It's like what am I going to do with all this time? It's very similar to the empty nest, except there's not the motherhood identity piece, but but the house is getting empty and the house is getting quiet. So those kinds of things are very common. There's other wake up calls too.

Suzy: 12:26

Sometimes caring for parents really initiates this sort of thing, because you're so focused on helping your parents and dealing with all of the transitions going on with parents in terms of illness and diagnosis and different living conditions and actual care that some need a lot of support during that how to take care of themselves. When they're doing that, or when things are changed and maybe they've passed, then it's like they don't. They don't know who they are. Much like the empty nest thing. It's like, wow, who am I? But all in all, it's really who am I at this phase of my life and what do I want?

Suzy: 13:06

And then to find out what you want is is very interesting and the people who usually reach out for help or listen to my podcast they're ready to like, they're curious enough, they know they need to do something or think differently or have a different experience or get help, because they're spinning their wheels and the one thing that happens in midlife is we're very sensitive to the passage of time. There is an urgency about it, like I'm not just wasting time, I'm wasting valuable time and it's kind of that stepping on the gas in the break. It's like I got to do something but I don't know what to do. I really got to do something, but I'm older now and I don't know what that's going to mean for me in this and this, you know. So there's a lot going on and everything, all of my coaching, is in the backdrop, with the backdrop of aging, because because it is the lens that I think is required to do this kind of work at this time we can't separate it.

Tamara: 14:06

When it comes to taking the next step, like I've always been, like you like, or like you said earlier take the next step. You know, I never feel like I need to know the whole thing as long as I know the next step, and then it'll come to me after that. And so it's good to it's good to get confirmation that I've been like approaching it like in a way you would say, because it just it always felt right to just kind of do the next thing and then see, you know, you never know what's going to happen from the next thing could take you in a totally different direction.

Suzy: 14:31

That's it exactly, because when you take that next best step, you're not just winging it. At that point you're being intentional about something that feels really right for a variety of reasons, which is also part of the curiosity equation that we need to look at but but that step because it's the next best step. Something is going to happen. You're going to meet somebody, you're going to hear a conversation, you're going to watch a documentary, you're going to attend an event, you're going to read a book, you're going to go to something, and something is going to shift as a result of all of this new data that is going to make sense because of that little, that little step that you took in that direction. So that is really something if you can release needing, that need to know everything at this point, which is unrealistic. We kind of like to think certainty is a thing, it's not. Nothing's certain, except we are all going to pass, we are all going to die. But if code has taught us anything, it is that it's not life isn't certain, but the first step.

Suzy: 15:33

I have a framework that helps people get started. I call it the fun method, and F stands for find your thoughts, u stands for understand what you want and N stands for, nurture your commitment to yourself, and when you put all those three things together, you can move mountains. So the biggest thing that most of us don't have at this point in our lives which is very relevant to the work that you're doing on this podcast is to really understand our thinking, to notice what we actually think and believe, because it's so relevant, because our emotional state is coming from that, so, and then what we end up doing is a result of that. So it's all connected and when we don't have a clear sense of what it is that we're thinking, we just don't have a clear sense of what's happening in our lives and why.

Tamara: 16:29

Yeah, it's more reaction and it's like internal subconscious reaction to you know, a lot of times people talk about triggers and past stuff and trauma. But yeah, and it's not even the person in front of you or the thing in front of you, it's just your internal state, like you're saying, and we're just not aware of the actual thought, and so one of the thoughts that I love talking to people about that we don't appreciate that we have.

Suzy: 16:56

we like to think that we believe the best is yet to come. We say it. We buy magnets, we get a pillow. It says it. We put it out. We think we really believe the best is yet to come. But most of us don't Maybe not most many of us. Many of us don't really believe that the best is yet to come, and what we actually believe is that it's a downhill slide to the finish line after 50. Now just think about that for a second. That's terrible, because look at the way that it makes you feel the best is yet to come. If you actually believed it, it's kind of uplifting hopeful, happy possibilities, like you might feel capable because of thoughts that are related to the best is yet to come. But when you really believe the best is not yet to come and I think this is very relevant with your work how do you feel? It's kind of like you fell in advance, sad, hopeless down.

Tamara: 18:03

Yeah and self-fulfilling prophecy.

Suzy: 18:06

Because then, yeah, then what you end up doing, the way you show up, the kinds of activities, what you say, it all is fueled by those negative emotions, rather than the kinds of emotions that you probably would need to do, the kinds of things that you want to do on purpose. So when you're looking at, well, what do I really want, you have to look at, well, what do you really think.

Tamara: 18:32

Yeah and, like you said, especially in the dating world and relationship world and even sex, if you show up, if you're thinking some way about it, but you're doing yeah can affect your enjoyment on all of that and your success on all of that.

Suzy: 18:48

Yeah, success, how you define it, what it is you want, and that's the whole point. That's why being intentional is so important. And, like, life is short and there are no guarantees. Now, that's another thought that some people find useful and some people don't find useful. But I think, with the time urgency issue, it's a reminder that you are the only one that can control how you show up and get clear on what it is that you want, because time does fly, and I've said it myself oh my God, where did the year go? Oh my God, where did the winter go? Where did the summer go? Oh, I'm 60 now, like I turned 60 this last year, like wow, where did the last decade go?

Suzy: 19:39

And then, when you start to do some planning, I was working in my community with one of these exercises where you don't just think, oh, what are my three year plans, five year plans, ten year plans, but I encourage people to write down the age that you're going to be, the age that your kids are going to be, the age that the seniors in your life are going to be. They really get the lay of the land in terms of benchmarks in that five year goal, for example. So I was giving the example and I'm like, oh, 65. I'm like, oh, 10 years, 70. I had never until the exercise that I was doing with my group I just hadn't processed it yet, you know, but there it was, and so that really helps. You think, okay, what do I want to do? What do I really want? What are my priorities?

Tamara: 20:33

Sorry, yeah, I was going to say that was like more in theory and then the reality of putting the actual age and that's funny in theory, yeah, exactly In theory.

Suzy: 20:42

I'm aging, oh yeah.

Tamara: 20:45

And, in theory, five years. There's no number If there's no number associated to it. It's kind of like yeah it's not as realistic when you do the goals.

Tamara: 20:55

But yeah, so I mean we did talk about dating a little bit when we first started talking, before we started recording and a lot of the issues that. Well, I would say one of the biggest complaints now with women in dating is that men aren't putting much effort in and so then they get disappointed by dates and then they hate dating and then, of course, dating is terrible because that's how they think. Is there anything you would? And I guess when you get clear in life in general, it'll go over into the dating world as well.

Suzy: 21:25

Well, yeah, so I guess, with that situation and I wanna just be clear that I'm not relationships are just one of the things that I work with my clients on, but it certainly comes up quite a bit in midlife. Yeah, so, with the whole relationship topic, first thing to do is to find your thoughts about dating in general, before there's even somebody that you want to date. So what are your beliefs about dating? Do you think that you could meet somebody and have a relationship that is successful? Do you think that you could be happy in a relationship at this age, you know? Are you clear on what you want? What type of a relationship are you looking for? So just to get crystal clear on those kinds of things before you even start, because usually there's some sneaky thoughts that are surprising that you may not believe what you think you believe.

Tamara: 22:16

Yeah, and I assume you work with people to get to those thoughts. Is there like a mechanism or is that part of your like proprietary stuff there, or if you can say a little bit about that?

Suzy: 22:27

Well, it's really just a shift that happens from going from like being more oblivious to appreciating that you are thinking things and that you need to notice them. So one of the big things we always talk about is you have to slow down and you need to remind yourself to look for the thoughts, and sometimes we can't find them. It's like if I were only a cartoon character and I could see the bubble, that would be great, but we're looking for the text in the bubble and so a lot of times we actually need sticky notes and reminders in our phone to just be more cognizant to look for thoughts today. So one of the best strategies I have for looking for thoughts is to remember that thoughts and feelings are connected and sometimes it's easier to find a feeling than it is to find a thought. So like, let's say, you had a date coming up and you weren't feeling great about it, so you notice that you were a little bit down or that you were procrastinating getting ready, or that you were just not, you were distracted. So you might notice that you might notice the feeling, but not what you're actually thinking, and then it's really just talking to yourself.

Suzy: 23:42

So it's like, oh, and this is what I say. It's like oh, Suzy, usually with me it's anxiety. So it's like, oh, susie, cause I know exactly what anxiety feels like, cause I've been dealing, you know, I've had a lot of anxiety over the years. So I'm like, oh, that's interesting. There's that feeling that you always get when you're anxious. I wonder why you're feeling that way right now. So it's the voice of in my mind, it's the voice of somebody who really loves me and cares about me. That's what I'm trying to talk to myself with compassion and curiosity. So it's like, oh, so I noticed the feeling.

Suzy: 24:17

And then you've been priming yourself to slow down and appreciate that, being aware of the feeling and the thoughts as they work together, that that's worthy, it's a worthy endeavor for you to do. And then, once you see it, it's like, oh, I would like to be excited about meeting this person, but I'm not. That's interesting. Or oh, I'm feeling a little weird and I'm procrastinating getting ready. I wonder why. I wonder why I'm doing that, because I kind of want to show up enthusiastic to meet a new person. So that's really the first step is finding those thoughts. In the fun method, you got to really notice what you're thinking. So you have an opportunity to be intentional. So you're not just intentional about what you're gonna do in terms of a bucket list or something like that, but you're also intentional about what you need to think, to feel the way you want to feel so that you show up the way you want to show up on purpose. Does that make sense?

Tamara: 25:16

Yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah. And even when you're on the date, like people say, see how you're feeling about the person, instead of a lot of women will try to. Their goal is to impress or get the man to like them, or and now it's kind of more like it should be more about how does he make you feel? Does he make you feel seen, or Whatever you want to experience out of it, and is to notice that.

Suzy: 25:39

Yeah, because in the end, in the end, the other person can't make you Feel anything, but your interpretation of what is going on. That's what's creating the feeling. So if, if there's something going on, like if, if you don't feel seen or heard, maybe you don't think you're being listened to, like maybe somebody's checking their phone or or they're cutting you off, so then you're interpreting that so it might be this guy's not listening or this woman's not listening. Whatever, it is right.

Suzy: 26:11

Yeah that's a thought, and how do you feel when you think they're not listening to me? So that's what's going on and you can also decide. If you're not listening, it's like oh, I'm my mind's wandering, I wonder why. So I haven't dated in a while. I've been. I'm in a long-term marriage It'll be 30 years this year but back in the day I got married later and I I met my husband through a personal ad before apps. So, like you know, wrote a letter to a PO box and, and so I was doing a lot of dating. I was very intentional and my mindset was it's a numbers game, I have to meet more people, and so one of the things that I notice now, at my age, is I don't like going out as much as I used to. So this idea that you need to meet more people and you don't feel like going out, that's a conflict.

Suzy: 27:09

Yeah and in networking. That's another example of where you know you have to meet people. That's the whole point. So I started to shift my goal In those settings too. I just want to meet one interest, I want to have one interesting conversation, and so I think that it when I was thinking about your podcast. I think that's an interesting idea too, because we have to look at our expectations from dates. Yeah, what do you really expect? And when I think about when I met my husband, the first three dates were not remarkable, but Because I kind of lowered the tension in my mind, I'm like I'm just gonna get to know him because it looked good on paper he, we should be connecting here, and we were connecting, but it just wasn't remarkable, like I still was dating somebody else. But then, you know, because I changed the way I was thinking, I just want to get to know him better I Saw things differently.

Tamara: 28:12

Yeah, yeah and you take the pressure off and you know, is he the one? And all this stuff that a lot of people do. You know, like on the first date, they start thinking that way exactly.

Suzy: 28:20

So I think, understanding what you want definitely you can always be doing in the background, but when you're prepping for a date, when you're agreeing to go on a date, when you are on the date, it's really important. It's always important to be increasingly aware of what you're actually thinking and Noticing the connection between how you're feeling. Sometimes you can find it by feeling and noticing the feeling and being curious About it, and sometimes you'll notice the thought. But I think that's critical to the whole operation.

Tamara: 28:52

Yeah, yeah, dating in life, like you said, and, and Since we are getting near the end, I want to give you the opportunity to talk about your Podcasts and what you offer as a coach and any programs you have.

Suzy: 29:03

Oh, thank you. So I've been at the podcast game now for six and a half years. My podcast is called the women in the middle podcast loving life after 50 and there are over 300 episodes just waiting for you. And it's really it's a combination of solo episodes and interviews of people who have, who were stuck and they got unstuck and they talk about the whole unsticking experience, and so the solo episodes are about, you know, mindfulness, happiness, being more intentional about your life. I also recently launched a second podcast called women in the middle entrepreneurs, and that's about the reality of running a business After 50, because there's, you know, there's a lot going on and it's it's amazing, with everything going on, that you're still able to do it. And I offer a freebie, which is it's a, it's the top 12 episodes of the women in the middle podcast and it's about the top secrets for loving your life after 50. Those episodes highlight it and you can grab it. It's in a really fun little freebie called the podcast bundle and you just go to free podcast bundle com.

Tamara: 30:15

Okay, awesome, All right. Anything else you wanted to share or?

Suzy: 30:20

well, if you're, if you're a woman over 50 or pushing 50 and you're feeling stuck, I offer private and group coaching and I have a really awesome program called the women in the middle Academy. It's a six month program and it takes you through this fun framework that I mentioned. So by the end of it you you're not stuck and confused anymore, you are very clear about what you want and you have the courage and the Confidence to go after it. So you don't have everything tied up in a little bow, but you are very clear about what it is that you want and you have the tools for self-coaching so that you you really empower yourself to live your life the way you want to. It's very exciting. I've had the Academy now for a few years and women are Really doing amazing things and increasing their happiness. It's it's so much fun to watch. So if you're interested in that, you can just check out my website at Susie Rosenstein com.

Tamara: 31:17

All right, awesome. Yeah, that sounds really cool and I, like I said earlier, I know a lot of people in this, in this exact spot, so I will definitely let them know about this episode and Do you want to thank you for being on and I'm glad we got to cover. Mindset, as I said, is very important in dating and and you did mention a book earlier or before we restart recording, what's that? What's your favorite book that you mentioned?

Suzy: 31:40

Oh my gosh, my favorite book that I recommend to anybody who asks me what a great book is. It's called the practicing mind by Thomas Sterner, and it's all about Present moment functioning and what it really means to be in the present moment and how it's so easy to get distracted from the present moment, like when we're only focusing on the completion of the goal rather than the experience of getting to the goal, which most of the time takes up way more time than the actual Attaining the goal. It's a life-changing book. The concepts in there are concepts that are really gonna improve your life.

Suzy: 32:21

Love it and it's a small book, so it's a very easy read.

Tamara: 32:24

Awesome, yeah, and I remember we talked about it, so I want to make sure we got that in there too. But but, yeah, thank you again. I hope you guys love this episode and, if you do, be sure to tell your friends about it. And thank you again for being on, Suzy.

Suzy: 32:36

Thank you so much. It was a lot of fun.

Tamara: 32:38

All right, thanks everyone, frank talk. Frank talk sex and dating Educate.