#56 Interpreting Dating Signals: Insights from Body Language Expert Linda Clemons

Imagine being able to decipher the silent language of gestures and postures to determine whether your date is a 'creeper' or a 'keeper'. Our guest, Linda Clemons, renowned body language expert, unravels the intricacies of nonverbal communication, revealing how it shapes our interactions and love relationships. She refutes the common saying "it's not what you say, but how you say it" and insists that what really matters is what your date hears. Tune in for actionable dating advice and gain insight into the subtle cues that make all the difference when trying to impress or understand your partner better. 

As we journey further into the realm of dating and communication, we examine the concept of casual dating. Linda provides pointers on how to make a lasting first impression, and explains the power of creating an aura of mystery and excitement. We explore the practice of arranged dating in various cultures and the wisdom passed down by her grandmother on forging profound connections. Linda emphasizes the role of personal integrity and being true to oneself in attracting fun-loving individuals. This episode is packed with fascinating insights that will transform your dating approach. Don't miss out on Linda's top tips and our intriguing discussion on the science of body language!

Chapters

• 0:00 Decoding Body Language in Dating
• 13:33 Casual Dating and Non-Verbal Cues
• 25:58 Attract Fun People Through Integrity, Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Straight From the Sources Mouth podcast. Frank talk about sex and dating.

Speaker 2: 0:06

All right, hello everyone. Tamara here, welcome to the show. Today's guest is Linda Clements, and we'll be talking about body language and being able to tell if someone is a creeper or a keeper. If you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it as well. Thanks for joining me, linda.

Speaker 1: 0:21

Well, thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here and congratulations on all the great work that you're doing with your show and by empowering and equipping and educating and informing and edutating your audience. Thank you so much.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Thank you for all the stuff you do and you're going to tell us all about that. I know you have YouTube and all kinds of stuff out there, but let's start with how you got started.

Speaker 1: 0:46

So let me just say this I've been in sales almost most of my life and doing nonverbal communication for well over three, going on for well really four decades, and what's so interesting about it? It's what we really have built in. I think my gift or my superpower, or my genius, if you will, is being present in someone else's presence. You know, having had training and certified and analytical interviewing and and trained by some of the best of the best in nonverbal communication and behavior science, it takes a little bit more than that. There is power again, and being present as someone's present. So as human beings, tamar, we all have that part, unless the part of the brain, the amygdala, is damaged. We all have that part in our brain where, when someone comes up on you, you either look at that person are they, are they friend or foe? Or when you hear a noise, you jump. So these are things that protect us. It's primitive. Well, it's the same thing about nonverbal communication. There are cues that we give off as humans, that send signals to each other and everyone out there listening. Remember this the nonverbal communication, body language was the first language before we were able to utter a word, and then, of course, just the sounds that we made. So body language is very, very critical.

Speaker 1: 2:13

If I may, I want to throw out some data here. There was a study done well over 50 years ago out of UCLA by Dr Maharabian, and it's on the case of the communication theory, and in that study he found that in our words were 7% of our communication. Now, of course, the studies are always challenged, they challenge by everyone. All right, but 7% of our communication? So let's say, if you speak a different language, well of course you don't have the 7%, but you have the 38% tonality. So 7% words, 38% tonality. So if the 7% of words my question that I'm asking your audience are the words that are coming out of your mouth, are they powerful or powerless, poison or potent, passionate or passive?

Speaker 1: 3:06

Words are critical and once they're out you can't retrieve them. So how many times we said something in error, made a mistake, heard someone's feelings and we saw the look in their face, but you can't take the words back. You can apologize, but you can't take the words back? 7%, 38% tonality. So there's a saying that goes is not what you say, but how you say it. Well, I challenge that camera. It's not just what you say and how you say it is what they hear. So if I said to you, I saw Steve and Sandy at the mall the other day and they were alone, then I turn around and say to you, I saw Steve and Sandy at the mall the other day and they were alone. Same word, but the tone sends out a different message. And then, of course, 55% of our communication is nonverbal. That's our body language, so it's important.

Speaker 2: 3:58

Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome, or it's good to know that. And I have done there with the tonal thing where, like you know, like you said, it's not how he's, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I've gotten in trouble numerous times.

Speaker 1: 4:10

We remember growing up. Our moms would say I don't like the tone you're using.

Speaker 2: 4:14

Yeah, Awesome, all right. And then, as far as bringing into the dating world, is there, like on first dates or even just, I guess, coming across people back in the day, when you met in the wild, as I say, or in real life, and you can tell pretty easily how is there a difference with the apps? Or how would you say people should go about dating and all this stuff?

Speaker 1: 4:38

One. You know, if you're meeting people online, you're eventually gonna have to meet them face to face. So you could create anything you want your own character, your own, write your own script when it's online. But what happens face to face Be it virtually on the screen for the very first time or meeting at one of your favorite restaurants or a neutral, safe place? And one of the things that you wanna be aware if the individual is kind, if they're courteous, if they are appreciative of you, that's a good sign. And if they're respectful, these are things you wanna look out for. The other things, especially in a keeper, a person who's a keeper, you know, if you start dating someone who's a keeper, you know this because they will say, hey, I'm gonna go out with my friends, tamara and Candy wanna hang out with them. That keeper will allow you to have your space. But the creeper is like going through anxiety because they don't want you out of their space. You know they wanna be up under you all the time.

Speaker 1: 5:38

When you are dating and you're meeting for the very first time, it's always tell folks do this, go first. What does that simply mean? You be the one to go first, to add value to the conversation, you be the one. And then, of course, when the other person is speaking, allow them the time to express themselves and if there's something great that they're saying, acknowledge that. Affirm it with facial data, facial data's, facial affirmations, like eyes wide open when you do an eyebrow flash oh wow, I didn't know that fact. Wow, you know. Validate it and let's them know that you are listening. That is so important.

Speaker 1: 6:16

Now the creeper. Let me tell you about the creeper. Once the creeper gets to know you and let's say they start liking you, the creeper will be the one that's calling you every 15 or 20 minutes. They're the ones that you, they drop you off home and you say and they say well, call me when you get settled and you don't call back and it's been five minutes. They're constantly insecure and they're the ones that always want to take pictures with you right away. It's like claiming their mark, but again, then the keeper acknowledges you, they lift you up and adores and respects who you are.

Speaker 2: 7:00

Yeah, that makes sense and are there. I know you talked about the nonverbal stuff, the what. When you first walk up, is there something you can see or like your first interactions as far as body language or like how they're-?

Speaker 1: 7:11

Absolutely so. Let's look at the facial expressions. So you meet, let's say you decide you meet at a mutual location. You say I'm gonna be wearing blue, my power blue or my power red, I'm wearing that, and they said they're wearing this or what have you. And the moment that your eyes lock you wanna make sure this is so good please write this down that you do an eyebrow flash. So an eyebrow flash. Everybody out there that's listening raise your eyebrows up. So let's imagine some of you.

Speaker 1: 7:37

You're going into a networking room and someone told you to meet them there and you're looking around the room. You notice that when you look around the room, your eyes are somewhat squint because it's called scanning the room. You're scanning the room, you're trying to laser in or focus in to see if there's someone that you know. But what do you do with your eyes? What do you do with your eyebrows? The moment that you see a familiar face oh my gosh, that's Deborah. Oh my gosh, that's Kevin the eyes go wide, open, eyebrows go up the end. So it indicates surprise, intrigue, curiosity, happy, excitement. That's what you wanna do when you meet the very first time. Now what happens if you meet the person and you see them with the very first time or they don't look anything like their picture, because you're disappointed. You know that's gonna show in your face. So again, when you're meeting the individual for the very first time and let's say you've already seen each other on a Zoom platform or any kind of platform you're able to see face to face, so you're excited. The excitement in your face is the first greeting of your salutation.

Speaker 1: 8:42

The other thing is is that be careful how you touch. See, when I say touch, you know you know what you don't want. Somebody, like an octopus, hands all over you, right? Not in the beginning, that's not good. And when you're touching someone, let's say you're at the little cocktail table or the bar to whatever, and then you take the hand, your hand and say he says something funny.

Speaker 1: 9:05

She says something funny, oh my gosh, that is so funny. You just touch where the wrist is. Okay, that's like oh my gosh, that's so funny. That shows you know a little bit of flirtation and it shows that hey, I'm open, I like you, I want to get to know you. Now, if you're sitting there and you're thinking, oh gosh, I'm wasting my time, and your arms are folded, you're blocking off a power zone, which is the heart area, because now, even though you've walked through the physical door, you've closed the door to your heart. Okay, so openness, open in the face, open in the body language, meaning palms open, the heart area open, you know, and showing as much of your upper carriage as possible is very, very important.

Speaker 2: 9:54

Yeah, that makes sense. And then if you, if there are going to be a creeper, like what would you look for to? Like stay away or be cautious of, or like what are there any?

Speaker 1: 10:04

Oh my gosh. So let's say the person's a creeper, right, and the first thing you want to look at so you get in, it's safe to have your personal distance and your space. So what happens if you come in and then the creeper says you know, there's a chair right there, right in front, because you want to get to see, you want to see the person, get to know them. But the creeper says come here, sit right beside me, sit right beside me. Oh my gosh, they haven't earned the right to allow me to come into the space and I'm not that comfortable. Yet you know what I mean the creeper.

Speaker 1: 10:35

The other thing the creeper will begin to do is that all of a sudden they want to be the star of the show. So tell me about yourself. And then you start to share about yourself. Oh, I just got back from vacation and I went to I'm just saying Colorado, whatever. And then next thing, you know, the creepers go. Oh yeah, I've been to Colorado before and here's what I did. So they'll start dominating and taking over, because the creeper is trying to claim stake and, as far as like nonverbal or body languages.

Speaker 2: 11:08

There's like signs or like movements or something that they would do, or just more of the interaction like that.

Speaker 1: 11:16

It's what part of the interaction and the movement. So remember, example, when I said hey, if you like them and you're laughing at the joke, you do the slight tap on the wrist. Well, the keeper may grab your hand and hold it down Again taking ownership. The creeper may be disrespectful to you. Let's say you'd say I like the guy's cute, I'm going to go out on one more date. Well, the creeper may feel uncomfortable if you cancel the date because you want to go out with some friends or do something else different. They'll start to have unnecessary possessiveness. So you'll see that in the conversation. So how long does it take you to get serious? What do you think about marriage and normally things that women get blamed for saying all the time? The creeper will start doing that because they are trying to take possession of you right away.

Speaker 2: 12:10

And I know you have some. I saw some of your videos on YouTube where you talk about being a seductress and different stuff.

Speaker 1: 12:17

I don't know if you want to take it in a different angle or yeah, I have a course in the MindBallied platform which is wonderful course Body Language for Dating, and so the seductress. So here's what I'm saying is that when you walk into the room for that individual, let's start with the woman. Okay, if you're walking into the room you want to make sure that your dress to attract and make an impact and have that sensual appeal, it's the way you walk, it's the way you look, it's the way you talk, it's the way you use your tonality, it's the way you tilt your head, it's the way you look at him. Then look away and look back at him.

Speaker 1: 13:02

All that is part of the art of flirtation and seducing. But you may not want to seduce on the first date. That may not be proper. You may want to give you know a few more dates, but you just want to make sure that you are capturing their eye, that when you walk in the room, the men there used to be a song the men all pause. They all pause when you walk in the room because you command the attention when the right scent. All of that makes a big difference.

Speaker 2: 13:33

Yeah, and a lot of people are doing more casual dates nowadays. So I think that maybe and I'm sure the men would appreciate us continuing in the way you were talking about but I think in the more casual dates people are just I've heard of people even just meeting like after the gym or something, or just like while they're running errands, and I can't.

Speaker 1: 13:53

Yeah. So think about that, remember. So here's that, think about that. So even the casual dates. So, first of all, if I tell you, hey, how about me meeting up and come from the gym? Well, of course you're gonna shower, of course you're gonna be freshen up, right? Well, here's what that says. Hey, I love my body, I take care of my body, I want to stay fit. So that's a good sign as well. So, when you come from the gym, you already got that glow from working out. That glow is in your face. You're working, you're taking a great shower, you're feeling good, you're excited, your adrenaline's going. That's a good thing. But still, if you know you have that date, make sure that you slip into something that's not your baggy sweatpants, right? You want to have that attract appeal.

Speaker 2: 14:37

Yeah well, I used to like go to the salon and do my hair like before every date, and then I was getting always expensive. So I've probably let myself slide the other way a little too far now. But yeah, no, I didn't.

Speaker 1: 14:51

Well, let me tell you what my granny used to say. This is old wisdom. My grandmother used to say you know, she said baby, so many of these young girls, she said when they get the man, then all of a sudden this was my granny. She would say they would have the nice little negligee. She'd call them negligee. I say granny is negligee. She said the next thing you know, they're wearing granny's boomers. She'd say now, the same thing it takes to get them is gonna be the same thing it takes to keep them.

Speaker 2: 15:16

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 15:17

And keep the excitement and the mystery. Keep that going.

Speaker 2: 15:21

Yeah, what are some other things you I know well. First you can say, like what you do? I know you do the body language stuff, but you're also an author and all kinds of stuff, so you want to share.

Speaker 1: 15:34

Yeah, well, say one of the. So in addition, I travel around the world. I speak on two subjects as a sales expert and as a body language expert. And what's so wonderful about what I do? It definitely helps you just in the dating. It also helps you on the job. It helps you with your interpersonal skills. It helps you with your emotional intelligence.

Speaker 1: 15:53

Just imagine this if you're able to read another person's non-verbal cues, it's almost knowing what they're thinking without them saying a word. So you know. See, children are so transparent. You know if the child doesn't want to eat their food, well, they pout and they fold their arms. But you know what adults do the same thing too. They close off their power zones, they turn away.

Speaker 1: 16:16

So if you're sitting at the table and all of a sudden, you're leaning forward, you're leaning in and you're excited. You're leaning in, you're leaning on and listening for every word. And all of a sudden, what? If something was said that was offensive to you and that you might have been taken aback? Guess what happens with your body language. You are taken aback, you're leaning forward. And if someone says something that you don't like or don't appreciate, what do you do? You sit back. Wow, unless it was something that, like, really overtook you and shocked you in a good way, like, oh my gosh, I don't believe it. So the timing and how you move and how you react and here's what I want your listeners to know whatever you think about it, comes about. So if you're thinking so, watch this. If you're sitting there and just imagine this, looking at your watch, what does that indicate? We'll see if you're having a great time.

Speaker 1: 17:12

Time flies by. But if you're sitting there looking at your watch, you're thinking, okay, like how long is this gonna last? Your whole posture, your facial expressions, your body language, everything changes. And then, all of a sudden, you're just a talking head. Why say talking head, tam, or is this? You know how? You're just going through the motions. Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, I work at such and such and I went to XYZ college. You're just going through the motions, but when you're excited, the words, the tone and the nonverbal, almost like a symphony, is congruent and it's moving with excitement. And if you're sitting there, you're not. You know talking with your hands, moving with purpose, to punctuate, to accentuate. You know to demonstrate if you will. If you're not doing that, you are just counting the seconds until the time goes by.

Speaker 2: 18:08

Yeah, and unfortunately that's a lot of people's complaints nowadays. Like you were saying, early with the you show up and they look different than their picture and then and or just you know, it was kind of like the mindset. Like you're saying, a lot of people are kind of overdating and I actually I heard on the radio that parents are starting to get together to get their kids like kind of like arranged marriages or arranged dating, like they do in other countries.

Speaker 1: 18:32

Well, some cultures it works, Others that they begin to because they honor their family and they feel whatever is best. But eventually you know that love connection has to take place, that for many couples it does, and many of them have stayed together because they probably got together out of respect and honor and then begin to acquire a taste, I guess, for each other or begin to start caring for each other. But it's something about when you have that intimate connection. You can look at another person's eyes for minutes on and just swoon over them and just think about the wonderful things that could take place. You could actually do that. That can actually be hypnotic for a long period of time. That can actually make you dizzy, believe it or not.

Speaker 1: 19:18

So it's called off face when people they get French, I believe, where you're looking so close that you're just like drunk. That's what I'd say. Call it drunk and love. But you got to have that feeling. See, the first organ. Well, the first place you want to make love is through the brain. You want to get their mind to capture their heart.

Speaker 2: 19:40

Yeah, and actually this is totally unrelated, but I saw online that there's OMG, yes is a website that talks about actual female sexual pleasure and has tutorials and all kinds of stuff, but you do have to pay for it. But I just came across that as a podcaster that talks about that kind of stuff. Like I said, not related to your thing, but I thought of it earlier.

Speaker 1: 20:03

It's a good divot. It's a good divot. So when you, from your audience, like, what's some of the things that you've heard in the past? That they have challenges in the area of dating.

Speaker 2: 20:17

I was going to say sex. But yeah, dating is just everyone's just kind of over it. Like I said earlier, it's their you know the matches. They're not getting good matches. And then there's a new method the burning the haystack. There was an article about it. And now there's a Facebook group where basically, anytime a guy doesn't like you were saying that early on, if you don't, it doesn't, if he's not courteous and kind, like on the apps you like, block them sooner than later. To like, get rid of all the bad crop of people that they're sending you so you hopefully get more matches. And then she even talks about switching apps and stuff. But yeah, it's just everyone's just kind of over it.

Speaker 1: 20:57

I love taking word, a pearl's, a wisdom from my late granny and one of the things she would say baby, when you start dating a young man, you know, and when you start dating someone and she said, I want you to make sure you get to see the meet his mother, meet the women in his life, to see how he honors and respects them. Because if he doesn't respect his mother or the women in his life that are crucial for you know, that are important in his life, how do you think he's going to respect and honor you?

Speaker 2: 21:26

Yeah, especially when they have sisters, that's helpful, like if they're real brothers.

Speaker 1: 21:30

Absolutely, absolutely, even if they and it's just a matter of how you honor on it and how you just even acknowledge women. You know some, some people out there are narcissists. You know some out there. It's all about them and they they won't, they can't even share empathy or compassion with you If it's all about their needs, you know. And then you've got to ask yourself if you're attracted to that, then there must be something that you're lacking in your life. So here's the thing I want everybody to remember this Whatever's on the mind often will come out in the matter.

Speaker 1: 22:10

And when I say mind over matter, the matter is the body. Whatever in the mind is often come out through the voice, and what you say and what you say is often reflected in the way you walk. So my grandmother used to say man, I miss my granny. My grandmother used to say the way you know, your thoughts impact your talk and your talk impacts your walk. So it's very, very critical. So if you are out there and you believe and this is what I believe you know in the day is I believe that I am a love magnet, I attract joy, I attract happiness, I am a sensual being. Therefore it radiates Because the words I activate and speak then, because the subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between falsehood or reality. Whatever you speak you, the brain begins to act upon it. You give it that command. So the worst enemy that you have is the enemy that's in me. Your self talk and then your self talk. The moment you start self talking and having that conversation, oh, it's going to be one of those days. It's not going to be a grave, he's probably going to be a creeper rather than a keeper. All this you're speaking that into existence, as compared to what Stephen Covey would say, begin with the end in mind.

Speaker 1: 23:25

I'll tell you what if no one's going to have a great time? I am. I am, I'm going to have a great time and I'm going to have a great job and my mission in my head is to leave the person better than when they met me. So that means I'm going and adding value. What if everyone thought that way? And what if my body language is open? Can you imagine you going in and you're a hugger and you automatically extend a hug and the other person is an introvert? They may feel uncomfortable. Then the moment that you hug them, then you could tell with their shoulders because they freeze up, they tighten up, they stiffen up. So it's asking permission to go into that space rather than you over Over exerted extroverts just taking a hug and go like this oh, come here, give it to me, I'm a hugger Without asking for permission.

Speaker 2: 24:14

Yeah, that's the differences. Like that, and Since we are coming close to the end, ish, do you want to share how people can get ahold of you if they Want to, or how to read, how to see them your different stuff? I know you said your mind Valley class absolutely, you could go.

Speaker 1: 24:30

You could go. You know what the easiest way to do it is. Follow me on Instagram at Linda Clemens L-I-N-D-A. Clemens C-L-E-M-O-N-S. I've got an e-book there. There's information about my mind Valley class and some other goodies there for you. That's talking about the different emotions that you can watch out for us, or you go there and check that out. You can get a free download, but I would love to be able to hear what you're thinking. Oh, what's on your mind? If you have a question for me, you can even submit it to me on Instagram.

Speaker 2: 25:02

Awesome. And then are there any like parting things, you Like kind of a bottom line of the creeper keeper or anything around dating that you want to just like reiterate?

Speaker 1: 25:10

Yes, here's the thing that I want you to remember, and if you could just keep this in mind when people tell me, when they say to me, tamara, I want a partner or spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, I want this person to be this, this, this, I have these characteristics and qualifications. I want them to be trustworthy, I want them to be good-looking, intelligent, so on and so on. And the question that I ask Do you possess those qualities? Do you possess any of that? Do you carry? Are you, are you possessing what you want to attract? Because they say opposite is opposite attract? I don't believe that they don't, because they're opposite people like and they'll report with people of similarities to them and Things that they love about the other person. So, if you are Upright, if you have integrity, if you are fun, you're gonna attract fun people. That's what you're gonna do. So, act the way you want to be, and soon you'll be the way you act, and once you weigh your act, then then you will attract. It's very important, and those are my closing words awesome.

Speaker 2: 26:19

All right, well, thank you very much for being on and, yes, definitely check it out on Instagram at Linda Clemens, and if you like this episode, be sure to tell your friends about it and rate it. And Thank you very much again, linda, all right, bye everyone. Frank talk, frank talk sex and dating educate.