Join me in an intimate conversation as I uncover the hidden risks of wearing self-reliance like armor and how accepting help can unexpectedly spark growth and connection. I'll share my own pivotal moments, from the humbling post-surgery dependency to the hilarious escapades in a cooking class on crutches, showing the strength in vulnerability.
I'll explore the balance between self-sufficiency and community. In this episode I'm redefining personal relationships during life's second act, teaching us to seek support without fear or hesitation. I'll debunks myths about burdening others and illustrates the beauty of interdependence. Whether you're navigating midlife or seeking to strengthen your social bonds, my insights offer a blueprint for enriching your life with love, support, and the joyful balance of giving and receiving.
Join me in an intimate conversation as I uncover the hidden risks of wearing self-reliance like armor and how accepting help can unexpectedly spark growth and connection. I'll share my own pivotal moments, from the humbling post-surgery dependency to the hilarious escapades in a cooking class on crutches, showing the strength in vulnerability.
I'll explore the balance between self-sufficiency and community. In this episode I'm redefining personal relationships during life's second act, teaching us to seek support without fear or hesitation. I'll debunks myths about burdening others and illustrates the beauty of interdependence. Whether you're navigating midlife or seeking to strengthen your social bonds, my insights offer a blueprint for enriching your life with love, support, and the joyful balance of giving and receiving.
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Speaker 1:
Are you someone who thrives on being uber independent? This episode is for you. Hi, I am Christy Ballard-Fellaini. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced kids off to college and having never dated in my adult life, I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. If this is your first time joining me, I am Christy Fellaini and I am a certified life coach.
Speaker 1:
I love being able to help women all across the globe, as well as in my own community, and I help them to make powerful decisions around any type of lifestyle changes that they might be going through. Maybe it looks like empty nest, maybe it looks like a divorce, maybe a loss of a spouse, or maybe even a career change. Maybe you're no longer satisfied in your career and you just don't know what the next step is. So I help women to create those powerful decisions that's going to help catapult them into creating a life that they love for themselves. We also talk about building strong relationships, strong connections in their most important relationships, so that they feel like they are thriving in their own communities. We also really talk about what is their identity at this season in their life? What is their purpose? These are all of the things that I have experienced, not only for myself, but all of the things that I find that my own clients hold most dear to their lives, and so that is what I do inside my coaching program. So, if this sounds like you, if you find yourself in any one of those things throughout this season of your life, I would love to be able to help you. So what do I want to talk to you about today? So, in the intro I mentioned to you, are you someone who is uber independent? Are you someone who finds yourself in a posture of feeling like you have got to be so independent that you have got to be doing all of the things for yourself, as well as for your loved one? Maybe it looks like you are uber independent in how you are showing up in your community.
Speaker 1:
Today, I want to talk to you about some of the pitfalls that happen to us when we become so uber independent, when we feel like the burden of the world is continuously on our shoulders, of the world is continuously on our shoulders. So, as most of you know, over the last five weeks, I have been recovering from foot surgery, and so a lot of my own independence has been taken away and not taken away in a bad way, because, of course, this was an elected surgery but I have had to become way more reliant on the people around me. Now, if this was me 10 years ago, oh my gosh, I would be struggling, because I was someone who thrived, who thought she was thriving, in being extremely independent, and there have been times when it has caused strife within my relationships. There have been times when there have been arguments between myself and the people that I love, even hurt feelings, because of my need to be independent. And so this is one of the reasons that I want to bring this to you today, because I know firsthand how hard it can feel to feel like you are the one doing all of the things, but also how it feels when you do have to kind of back away from that role. All right. So I want to tell you a story.
Speaker 1:
Last week, some friends of mine had invited me to a cooking class, and so the cool thing about this friend group is that we all enjoy doing all kinds of things together, and we do these things either as couples or even oftentimes just as women, and so this cooking class was just for us women. So, as you may know, because of my foot surgery, I am not yet at that point where I am able to get around really well by putting weight on my foot, so I'm still at the point where I'm using the double crutches. So, going into this cooking class, my thought was that I would just go, that I would enjoy the company of my friends, that I probably, because of my foot situation, I wouldn't have to cook. Oh no, no, no, our host was not going to leave me out of all of the festivities. But here's the thing I'm struggling right now to get around in my own kitchen. In fact, my husband has told me to get out of the kitchen because he struggles to get around me while I'm in the kitchen, either on my crutches or on my little scooter, and so it was a struggle, and so what I loved about this is that I was able to incorporate the help of my friends, so I pretty much had to rely on them to help me get this meal prep thing going.
Speaker 1:
So here I was in this cooking class, sitting on a stool with my bum foot propped up on another stool and as the other ladies are kind of gathering around getting to their station and the instructor is telling us all of the things. I was so grateful for my good friend Tracy, because her and I decided that we would pair up so she would help me with my dish and I would help her prepare hers, which actually turned into. She would go and get all of my ingredients and bring them back to me. So anytime I needed a utensil or a measuring cup, I had to ask for help. I had to ask whoever was nearby or closest to the thing that I needed to please bring it to me.
Speaker 1:
And for someone who is so uber independent, let me tell you what the thoughts would have sounded like had I already not dropped my need to be in control of life through being uber independent. Because, honestly, let's get real about what independence actually makes us feel. When we are independent of ourselves and we feel like we need to do things independently, it makes us feel like we are in control. That's exactly what it is. It makes us feel like we are in control and sometimes, when we start to lose that independence, we might start to feel a little bit of fear. Lose that independence, we might start to feel a little bit of fear.
Speaker 1:
So when I was in that time of my life when I still felt like I needed to be independent, I was actually putting up this facade of I can do it all on my own. I shouldn't need to ask for help, I should be able to handle things on my own, and y'all. With that thinking, I probably would have used my foot surgery as an excuse to not even go to the cooking class. In fact, I probably wouldn't even have left my house over the last five weeks because I'm telling myself, when I am being uber independent, that I don't want to trouble anyone or I don't want to ask for help. I would have started each ask with a I'm sorry. I'm sorry to bother you, but will you grab me the parsley? Or I don't mean to be a bother, but will you get me a drink of water? And then in my head I would have been talking ugly to myself about how I must be ruining everyone else's time by me being so needy. Can you relate to this? Does this sound like when you yourself are clinging to your own independence? Or does this sound like someone you know, someone who never wants to trouble others by asking for help.
Speaker 1:
So let's talk about what actually happens when you feel like you've got to be super independent, like when you're telling yourself things like if I don't do it, it won't get done right, I'm tired of doing it all on my own. I've got to look like I've got it all together or everyone else is so busy with their own lives. So I want to share with you some of the pitfalls that you may be experiencing, or you will experience, by being that uber independent person. The first thing that I noticed in my clients and even at a point in my life, is that it is super isolating. Not letting others in and allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others when you are in need has you feeling like you're doing life alone, where you want to appear on the outside like you've got it all together, yet your nervous system on the inside is actually screaming exhaustion and you feel mentally burnt out from putting way too much pressure on yourself. Being vulnerable and sharing with others that you are struggling and could use a hand will actually help deepen your relationship with them. It gives you an opportunity to create lasting friendships and an even deeper commitment to the relationship when you allow others in and you allow them to be of service.
Speaker 1:
So not allowing others in when you are in a time of need can actually block others from being a blessing. So when you brush others off and say it's okay, I can handle it or we're good, especially when they genuinely want to help be a blessing, it takes that opportunity away from them. So I suggest let you bless them, let them receive the rewards of being a blessing. And I tell you a funny story of this exact thing. These exact words, my exact words coming back at me was when I had shared with one of my girlfriends for the first time that I was going to have foot surgery. She immediately said we need to get a food train prepared for you, and I said oh no, don't worry about it, we'll be fine. I said oh no, don't worry about it, we'll be fine. And she said you know, a wise woman once told me that when you don't allow other people to do things for you, you are actually blocking a blessing for them. You're blocking them from allowing them to be a blessing to someone else. Oh my goodness, did I eat humble pie that day? And so I gave in and I said you know, that would be great, and we were so appreciative and so blessed to not have to cook a single dinner meal that entire first week of me recovering from surgery. So do not block others from being able to bless you, because I know that they want to.
Speaker 1:
So another common pitfall that I see is the amount of stress and anxiousness that goes along with feeling like you've got to be uber independent, and if it's left unchecked, what can happen is a chronic form of stress and anxiousness, which can actually lead to a myriad of health issues. We're talking high blood pressure, stroke, even sleeping issues, weight gain, memory loss, lack of mental focus. All of these things can happen when you are in a chronic state of stress, not to mention any of the mental effects that sometimes follow, the feeling of regret of not eliciting help, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed. And for the biggest one that I've even caught myself in participating in is resentment Resentment for others not stepping up to the plate, knowing full well that I didn't allow them to. So you guys, as you can see, not allowing other people in and choosing to be uber independent can actually cause more harm than our own self-righteousness.
Speaker 1:
So what I want to give to you today, I want to give you some practical steps for you to start embracing interdependence or eliciting the help from others, asking for help from others, allowing for help from others, and I like to call this doing life in community. So, number one you've got to become more self-aware. Start recognizing areas in your life where you can benefit from the help of others. Do this by recognizing and acknowledging your own needs. Get good at admitting to your own brain that you need help. Literally ask yourself, what do I need right now? And take some time to sit in quiet until your brain and your body give you the answer, because your body will tell you exactly what you need. When you practice acknowledging to yourself what you need, telling others gets easier, which actually leads to my next tip. Okay. So, number two communicate openly and honestly.
Speaker 1:
Y'all, I have a client who finds her communication success in practicing ahead of time. She practices what it is that she wants to say. She practices how she wants to feel when she says it. She also doesn't try to predict or try to think of what the other person will say or predict how the other person might react, because, y'all, we have absolutely no way of knowing any of that ahead of time, but we let it occupy our brain space. We let it occupy our thoughts by thinking that past behavior is going to dictate how that person might show up in this situation. So I often tell my clients stay out of everyone else's head, stay out of everyone else's thought process. We can never predict how someone else is going to react or what someone else might say, so don't even waste your brain energy on it. So, in becoming a open communicator who is being honest with your needs, you're going to get good at acknowledging when you need help and you can practice asking for it without making it mean anything about you or making it mean anything about the person that you are asking the help of Asking for help is a healthy solution for both you and the person that you elicit within your support network.
Speaker 1:
Number three I think that one of the reasons that we don't often ask for help is because we believe that we don't have a reliable support system. So remember one of the sentences that I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast that sometimes floods my own brain is well, they're all busy with their own lives. If this is true, then it's time to start taking a good look at your support system, because the people that you are in relationships with. You want that support to be reciprocal. That support to be reciprocal, you want to be able to show up for them, just as you would like them to show up for you. So if the excuse is that they are too busy, then perhaps you need to take a better look at your support system. Perhaps you need to look at are the relationships actually reciprocal? And if you're using evidence from the past that maybe you can't count on family members to have your back, it's time to start creating bonds outside of your family in the form of friendship.
Speaker 1:
Now, I know that I've recorded plenty of episodes before on how to create more friends. If this is a struggle for you, so I encourage you. If you are someone who struggles to make friendships, go back to episode 137. This one dropped on March, the 12th of this year. That's a good place for you to start. Or even episode 80, which dropped on January 24th of 2023. In this one, I'm actually talking with my good friend, amy McPherson, on how to create those friendships. So, of course, personal connections would be the most ideal situation when you are looking at your own support system, but sometimes that may not be feasible, right? Or maybe it's not those personal connections that you actually want. I'm talking if you are being 100% real with yourself, and personal connections is not what you feel you are lacking in, either in friendships or in your family circles.
Speaker 1:
Eliciting help doesn't have to look like just you looking to your friends or looking to your family members. You guys, there are so many services out there that you can also ask for help. I'm talking things like personal shoppers, house cleaners, pet sitters. In our own community here in Corpus Christi, texas, we even have senior in-home companions, because I know for a lot of my clients, as well as for myself, we have senior family members that we are taking care of as well. We have our adult parents that we may be taking care of as well, and sometimes we need additional help in those areas. So seek out. In your own community are there senior adult services such as this, if you need help taking care of a senior family member? So I bring this just to say that the help you need is available. You just have to decide that interdependence is way better than trying to do everything on your own.
Speaker 1:
So let's recap the steps that I just shared with you and let's start taking some of the pressure off of yourself, of being that uber independent midlife woman, and I want you to start taking action, to getting some help and to become more interdependent. So the first tip that I gave you is recognize and acknowledge your own needs. Number two communicate openly and honestly what you need and how others can start showing up in your life. And number three if you don't already have a supportive network, start creating one. If that sounds easier said than done, start by getting the help from a coach. Your coach will come alongside you and help you to start creating the supportive network that you need to help you relieve. Start creating the supportive network that you need to help you relieve some of the pressure that you've been feeling by trying to sustain all of the things all on your own when we are trying to be super independent. So if you don't already have a coach, I would love to be your coach.
Speaker 1:
Your next step in this process is to simply email me. Email me at christy, at christyfellainicoachingcom. I'll go ahead and I'll put that link inside the show notes. I offer to you a free get to know you call. It's called the rediscover you call because it's the first step that you need to take to rediscovering who you are meant to be at this season of your own life, and I promise you you were not meant to do life alone. So email me and let's get acquainted about how I can help you in your journey. Or maybe you've received some valuable tips in this short podcast and you've thought of several names of your closest friends who may need to receive this message as well as part of their support network. Do me a favor and do them the favor of sharing this specific episode with them lives as possible. Please go back to where you are streaming this episode and leave me a five-star review. Leaving that review will help the algorithm bring this episode up anytime another woman may be searching for if I am being too independent in my life or how do I ask for help. So when you leave that five-star review, it automatically helps the algorithm to put this into the earbuds of a woman who may really really need it. And, along those same lines, it helps me to know that the content that I am sharing with you lands for you and is being utilized as part of your toolkit.
Speaker 1:
As being a midlife woman Trying to do life all on our own can be tough, and for some. We may have been in this pattern for a very long time, to the point that you are not even sure how to get out of it, but the last thing that I want to encourage you with is that you were never meant to do life alone. Until next time. You guys, I'll talk to you soon. Who is your life coach? I would love the opportunity to work with you as you are rediscovering the woman you were meant to be. Visit christyballardfelaneycom for more information on how we can work together to ignite that passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time. Let's start in the middle together. Thank you.
