Start in the Middle

Problem Solving Mode

• Kristi Ballard Falany • Episode 161

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Ever find yourself trapped in a cycle of overthinking, unable to stop mulling over a problem in your relationship? Through my own journey of understanding and reshaping my problem-solving habits, I realized how our brains often latch onto issues, leading us nowhere productive. In this episode, I share personal experiences and insights on why turning to loved ones for advice can sometimes steer us off course due to their emotional ties. By recognizing our unique strengths and challenges – like my top strengths of being restorative and connectedness from the Clifton Strengths assessment – we can navigate these mental traps more effectively.

But what happens when persistence in resolving issues becomes a barrier rather than a bridge? I reflect on the importance of knowing when to stay committed and when to step back, especially when the other party isn't willing to find a resolution. Join me as we explore personal growth and fulfillment, and the transformative power of professional coaching and self-awareness. Don't miss the opportunity for a free Discovery call to chat about your journey towards happiness. This episode is packed with actionable advice and insights that could change your approach to problem-solving in relationships. Visit christyballardfellaini.com for more details and share this message with anyone who might benefit!

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Speaker 1:

Hi, I am Christy Ballard-Fellaini. I am a certified life coach who found herself at 42, freshly divorced kids off to college and having never dated in my adult life, I was starting in the middle. If you haven't yet hit, start on your middle time in life, let's do it together. Let the journey begin. Hello, hello, my friend, I hope that you are having an amazing day and I just want to tell you welcome back to the podcast. I am so appreciative that you have found this episode and I hope that it speaks to you and, if it resonates with you, I hope that you are able to get from it exactly what you need, exactly what you need to utilize in your life, because I totally believe that we all fall into this mind trap. What I'm going to talk to you about today. I know that this happens for every single one of us. There's so much evidence out there that shows that we sometimes fall into this mindset and sometimes we struggle to get out of it, so I want to talk to you about this today. I want to ask you how many of you have found yourself in a pattern of fixating on what your brain is telling you is a problem. Our brains are so good at this. They are first so good about scanning and finding problems, but sometimes we get stuck on them, and in the coaching world we usually call this spinning, where our thought patterns just keep spinning on the same topic, or ruminating, where it feels like we just can't figure out the solution, so that we are able to shake it and we are able to just move on. Now I know for me that when this happens, I find that it is most helpful to talk it out. I know that I gravitate towards talking through a problem, and this is exactly why I suggest to you that it is so important for you to have a one-on-one coach, or it is so important to you, if you struggle with this spinning or this ruminating on specific problems, that you either find a coach or you find a therapist, because normally what we do is we like to talk to the people who love us. We like to talk these things through with our girlfriends, like to talk these things through with our girlfriends, with our family members, with our spouses, the people who love us. Now, the problem with this is that, because they love us, they don't want to see us hurting and so they advise us based on their love for us because they just want to see us happy, or they advise us based on their own problem solution patterns, and sometimes they don't offer us the best advice okay, Especially if they struggle themselves with problem resolution. Now I'm going to be honest with you and I'm going to share with you an example.

Speaker 1:

So my husband he is such an amazing, caring, giving human being who doesn't like conflict. So any hint of a problem in his mind makes him feel like it might be a conflict, and conflict makes him uncomfortable and conflict makes him uncomfortable. So his problem-solution pattern is actually avoidance. Does that sound familiar? Do you have someone like that in your life? I know it is extremely popular. When we feel like things are uncomfortable, we tend to avoid them. Vulnerable, we tend to avoid them, and this is why his advice to me often looks like you just need to let that go, or it is what it is, or do you have control over that situation? And yes, this is all true, all good advice, but sometimes it can also look like us avoiding situations. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So I want to share with you today that, even as a coach, even as someone who helps others manage their mindset, helps others manage their own thought processes, sometimes my brain can get snagged. Sometimes I find myself in that ruminating pattern, in that thought of this is a problem and I need to solve it. Now I'm going to tell you where I get this from, and I spent several, several years doing this and not knowing why. But when I found out why, man, it gave me such an opportunity, an open door for freedom. But I am a human and sometimes my human brain reverts back to that old, stinking thinking. Okay, and so several years ago, I had the opportunity of working one-on-one with a coach who was a certified administrator of the CliftonStrengths assessment. Now, if you have never had the opportunity to take this type of assessment, I would highly recommend it, and in fact, I will even drop her information inside the show notes, because when I took this assessment and I found out what my five top strengths were, it has been such a game changer, because when you find out what your strengths are in this gambit of 34 different by, it can be such a huge game changer.

Speaker 1:

And so, as I was reflecting this week, like I said, as my brain wanted to be in problem-solving mode, I went back to my CliftonStrengths. The aha that came to my brain in the form of hey, girl, here's your answer. I reminded myself that my top strength is restorative. So what that means is that my brain naturally wants to go to problem solving. My brain naturally wants to figure out when something is wrong, or when my brain says, hey, you need to look at this. Hey, this could be a problem, my brain wants to find the solution. And so what I discovered is that if there's a technical issue, I can solve it. I can Google it, I can YouTube it. I can solve that problem. If I'm struggling with how to do something in my business, I can solve it. I can go to my business coach. I can again Google it, I can YouTube it, I can solve the problem. If I want to build a lamp made out of hockey sticks, again I can solve the problem.

Speaker 1:

Here's the problems that are really hard to solve, and it's got to do with my second strength on the CliftonStrengths assessment, which is connectedness, because the problem that my brain was trying to ruminate over this week involved connectedness. It involved another human being, and so all of that technical stuff I can figure out on my own, but when it comes to other human beings, this is where I sometimes find a problem, and the problem generally is when the other human being isn't ready to solve the problem, or the other human being isn't willing to solve the problem, or the other human being isn't willing to solve the problem, or when my brain acts in its human infinite wisdom and thinks that something is a problem that is not actually a problem. And how do you find that out? You find that out through communication, okay, and this week communication just wasn't there, communication just wasn't working, and so my brain kept saying but this is a problem, but this is a problem, but this is a problem, and me having that strength of wanting to restore things so that I can connect with other human beings, my brain just didn't want to land on. You might not be able to solve it, and so what I want to share with you today are three questions that can help us in situations like this, in situations where you want to solve the problem, you're ready, willing and able to solve what your brain thinks is a problem, and you have another human being involved who just isn't ready to help you solve that problem or who isn't willing to look at possible solutions. These three questions are going to help you overcome that hump of maybe this just isn't a problem that's going to be solved right now, or maybe this just isn't a problem that there is a solution to. So are you ready?

Speaker 1:

Three questions that you can ask yourself to help your brain to go back into grounding mode and come to the realization that this problem just might not be solvable on your end. Number one is this a problem that I can fix Now? The reason that this question is so important is because you have no control over other human beings. You have no control over how they react to specific circumstances. You have no control of how they will show up in specific circumstances, and sometimes, when you find yourself in a position of you being willing to solve the problem or you being willing to solve the conflict and the other person just isn't there yet, then your answer to this question is no, because you cannot solve that problem between you and someone you are connected with if they are not willing to participate. And so coming to terms with the fact that you may not be able to solve this problem on your own can allow you to release yourself from the responsibility. It can allow your brain to feel released from wanting to take on this issue to be a problem, that your brain is taking up energy that it is needing, that wants to keep it a problem. Okay, so you are actually letting yourself off the hook when you say this is not something that I can fix on it on my own. This is something that is going to take the work of both of us being willing to do.

Speaker 1:

Which brings me to the second one. If there's other people involved, are they willing to help solve the problem? Are they willing to show up and communicate and come up with solutions? Are they going to be willing to hear your side of the story so that they can understand and empathize with your point of view? Are you willing to listen to their side of the story so that you can empathize and understand their thought process? That brought you to this misunderstanding in the first place. That your brain is actually telling you is a problem.

Speaker 1:

And then the third one that I think is oh so important when we are dealing with people that we want to be connected with Are my actions in alignment with God's instruction book? You know the Bible. The Bible is there to instruct us on how we are to live with each other, how we are to show up with each other, and so are my actions in alignment with how God wants me to show up as a human being? So three questions that you can ask yourself when you find that your brain is wanting to ruminate or wanting to spin on a specific problem is is this a problem that I can fix on my own? Two if there's other people involved, are they willing to help solve the problem? And three are my actions in alignment with God's instructions?

Speaker 1:

Now, the funny thing about this is that my brain doesn't want to spin and doesn't want to ruminate on the problem of how to fix the dishwasher, and so what I mean by that is that, normally, when our brain wants to ruminate on a problem in the way that it does asking the questions over and over again, going through the conversations in your mind over again, going through the conversations in your mind, second guessing and asking yourself how you're showing up as part of the solution. This doesn't generally happen when we're trying to solve the problem of fixing a broken dishwasher. This generally happens when we are having problems in our relationships, and so I think it is so important for you to filter through these questions so that you know exactly how you want to show up and when it is a good time, let it go, because this is how I am releasing myself from responsibility in this specific problem. This is how I am deciding for myself that I am no longer going to allow it to take up brain space and brain energy that I have over the last couple of days. Because when I go back to myself as a human being, my identity in this world, and I look at the skills that I am good at I am good at problem solving I am good at I am good at problem solving and sometimes through that strength of wanting to restore things and there are times when I can't restore it completely on my own and so when I come to that realization, I can release it.

Speaker 1:

So what things are you good at? And how are those skills and talents and gifts showing up in your life that are helpful and how are they? Sometimes not so helpful. Sometimes not so helpful because having this gift of wanting to restore things can be help in the fact that, yes, I'm a good problem solver and, for those of you that know me personally, you know that I work at it and I work at it until I see it through. But sometimes it can also be a hindrance, and when it is a hindrance is when I am spending too much energy trying to solve a problem in a connection where the other person just doesn't want to solve the problem.

Speaker 1:

So if this message resonates with you and you have further questions, I would love the opportunity to hang out with you on a free Discover.

Speaker 1:

You call because all of my work is committed to discovering more about myself, more about my clients and more about how I am able to help you to stop just existing in your life, to make powerful decisions around finding your own happiness and being able to consciously create a life that you love. So I would love to answer any questions that you might have on this topic or any other topic that might be snagging you or tripping you up. Also, if there is someone in your life who needs to hear this message, please be sure to share it out with them. So you guys have an amazing week and I will talk to you soon. Who is your life coach? I would love the opportunity to work with you as you are rediscovering the woman you were meant to be. Visit christyballardfelainicom for more information on how we can work together to ignite that passionate, enthusiastic woman who may have been tucked away for some time. Let's start in the middle together.