Hello, and welcome to the next episode of the Single Girl’s Guide to Life, your weekly guide to embracing that single life of yours in your 20s and 30s. Expect relationship chat, single life, living, and learning to be yourself, as I share insights, wisdom, and knowledge that will help you navigate your single life status. I'm Chantelle the Coach, a quarter-life and confidence coach that helps women who are single, separated, or divorced to overcome doubt and uncertainty and go through life changes with confidence so that they can work out what they want, make decisions and take action towards living a life they can thrive in.
In today's episode, I wanted to explore something that I put into question when I left my marriage. I want to talk about this concept of what is love. What is it really, when you have something as turbulent as leaving a marriage happened to you whether that's a breakup or just that significant enough change? You're possibly exploring the concept of a quarter-life crisis in regards to your close relationships. Intensely considering the way that you've previously seen the world and the way in which you want to see the world going forwards is something that you start to look at. In this case, I think questioning what love is, what it involves, where it comes from, I even questioned what marriage was but that's kind of another thing, another element to it.
When in actual fact, in today's episode, I wanted to get to the core of what is love. I think you start to look at the systems that are set up around you. You're looking at things that have happened before, you're looking for what you saw in your upbringing, what you experienced. Yes, being centered around marriage and relationships, we start to consider what is love. I don't think this will be solved in one episode; I think there are so many different dimensions, having considered it myself and having undertaken research in it. I think it's something that people will have different opinions on. I'm sure instinctively, you've got something to say about that. Some of you will be going, “Well, you just know.” I think the people that have experienced love in that sense of what they're talking about know what that feeling is and see it in that way.
I think the reality of it is that shift in the hormones. Other people would detail things like how you show that love, which is sweet gestures that show some sort of thought, give you that romantic connection, again, more hormone work. I think this would also lead on to love languages, which I'm going to talk about in a future episode. In brief, though, if you haven't heard of them, there are five. There's a quiz that you can do. Dr. Gary Chapman came up with these, and it tells you how you best see acts of love, and there are five different ones there. Head on to Google and you can look those up.
There are also different theories around love and how it works. I'm always intrigued by the concept of this romantic kind of love that we probably talked about most when we're thinking about love because familial love seems to differ from that. Familial love seems to be abundant and endless. Take a very simple example. If you end up having a child and then have another child, your love grows. The one child doesn't receive less love because another is there. It doesn't matter if you have five kids or ten kids or one, you love them all. Whereas when it comes to romantic love, it seems that we pop it into this box of how it must be all-encompassing and that it's only exclusive for one person. That's a really interesting concept to me and yet another aspect of kind of what is love as well.
In today's episode, I wanted to discuss the concept of a theory that I came across because I don't know about you as another millennial woman, but I Google a lot of things. In the first instance, maybe your first port of call is friends. That's where you get some of your information from or where you watch TV programs and Netflix and get ideas from there. I am most definitely a Google person and rely on that for ideas. I still explore it in-depth and don't take everything at face value, but to me, I like to read discussion boards and see what differences of opinion there are. It’s very interesting to do because actually there isn't right and wrong in this world. This has been coming up a few times in the Single Girls Guide to Conversations that take place on Clubhouse each week where we discuss different topics that sometimes feed into this podcast. This concept of right and wrong keeps coming up a lot because what is wrong, really?
Whatever your answer is to what is love is going to be very personal to you. It was important to me when I was questioning it to understand these different ideas. I think, in all honesty, I'm still working out in terms of what I believe it to be, what it looks like, but I have a much clearer idea of that and of marriage, and what that stands for, from a personal opinion. I wanted to share with you something that I came across. When I'm Googling, I feel like I very much want to understand. I think it's a very INTJ thing. If you ever heard of the Myers-Briggs personality types, I like to align with those. I've been doing those since 2015 and we are not the strongest emotional creatures if you're someone that aligns towards an INTJ. I appreciate if you don't like boxes, which I don't entirely. You don't have to align to a particular personality type. However, I find it really intriguing to understand my own persona and the strengths and weaknesses I have to then counter them.
It came as no surprise to me that I headed onto Google to try to understand something which I don't know if you can fully understand. It's not tangible. However, I think there are things that can help you to consider different ways that love looks the way that love is. I landed a theory that I want to share with you that I think can help you identify different forms of love in your life. If you've never heard of it, it gives you another perspective on what love is and could be and how it can appear differently in your life, and then it also helps you to identify areas in which you might need different forms of love and what exactly it is that you're looking for. Because if you are going to venture back into dating, you want to be clear on what it is you're looking to fulfill and how easy it is to do that to say or what the likelihood of getting those things is. This will make more sense once I've gone through the theory.
Let me share with you what that is. It's called the Sternberg triangular theory of love. It’s by Robert Jeffrey Sternberg. He’s still alive at the date of recording and this theory was developed in 1986. It is triangular. We're going to just start out with a triangle. Imagine that in your mind. You've got a really nice equal actual triangle. It has to be equal. In each corner, we've got one type of love represented. These are categorised. We're going to start at the top as intimacy, the bottom right is commitment, and the bottom left is passion. It probably doesn't matter which way around they are but that's where the models often look like. Intimacy, top corner, commitment, bottom right, and bottom left is passion.
Those words are fairly self-explanatory, we'll just go into the kind of aspects of those because it's important to remember that when you're focusing on one of those at the very, very vertex, at the corner, that it doesn't include the other two at all. It is absent of the other two, so let's just go into that. Intimacy is called liking sometimes, that kind of liking love. You're fond of this person, you know about details in their lives, you share things, and it feels close. But it is absent of passion. I'll talk about exactly what passion means in a minute, and it is absent of commitment. Again, I'll talk about that. Feel free to disagree with me on this, but I think you could probably categorize a number of colleagues at work in this intimate part. There are some friendships that sit here as well. It doesn't have to be from work. You like them, but there's not too much energy towards them, not too much passion.
In the work example, if you left the job, you might not keep in touch with them, but for the time being, situationally, you're fine. You get on, you're interested in what's going on but really, the commitment will go once there's a shift in that. Let's come around to that commitment on its own. So again, pretty self-explanatory. There's a dedication, a reliability to be there for someone to have someone to call upon should you need them. That's a commitment, but in its very extreme and purest form is lacking passion and intimacy. When I think of trying to come up with an example for this, I think you're looking at potentially two scenarios here. You're looking at loveless marriages, where people are purely still together because they are married according to the legality and they live together. They pay the bills together, but there is no passion, there's no intimacy between and they don't share their lives. There isn't that energy.
I also think in some scenarios where parents have split up, there's a commitment to raise the child, they don't necessarily particularly like one another. They're not going to take an interest in one another. There are also models that can do that. They very much don't have the passion for one another, obviously. It's probably one of the less amicable models that would sit in this. This Love is sometimes called empty love, which makes sense because if it's just commitment, there's nothing else kind of going on there, but you will be there for that person for whatever reason. Maybe some family connections feel that way, the obligation to be there no matter what. It doesn't necessarily mean that you've got the energy to go and see them all the time or that you like them particularly much. People do feel a duty, sometimes towards family. There are a few elements there to think about.
I think, again, sometimes this can be colleagues in a team. You're working on that project together, but really, you have to get on with all of the team. It helps. Maybe the energy lacks towards those actual personal relationships. There are a few different examples for that one, potentially, of commitment on its own. These don't have to be ones that feature in your life, these are just the model and part of the theory. Then in the bottom left corner, we've got passion. Instant thoughts would go to kind of that sexual feeling but actually, this has scope to go wider because it doesn't have to just be physicality. It's to do with the energy involved and what you're willing to bring to something.
This kind of passionate love, which lacks intimacy, getting to know someone, and commitment would arguably be some sort of maybe one-night stand, in fact, because there's no commitment. There's just an infatuation. That's what they call this kind of love infatuated. If you first meet someone and you don't know them, but there's that energy, and that would be it. Maybe it's a first date. You don't really know them; there's no commitment. Maybe that's what we sometimes call love, the butterfly feeling, the energy that we get. These are the corners of the triangle that kind of form the basis.
At each corner, they lack the other two. I've tried to give you some examples there. You may have some of those experiences in your life, whether that's personally, or you just know a couple that definitely fit into that. There are definitely people married nowadays that sit in the commitment stage but they don't really invest in one another, unfortunately, to say. They have choices; it's entirely up to them. You can still have an opinion on what something looks like, you just don't have to pass judgment on why they do that, but it's useful to reflect on where that is if there's any kind of influence of those things in your life.
Then we acknowledge that this can change. If you have been on a date and you've got that energy and that passion, but there's not the getting to know part, the intimacy often comes next. It starts to move into passion and intimacy, where you have the energy for that person, but you're also starting to learn about that person. That is called romantic love. Think again, this is something that we then shift from passion to romantic love, fatuous love to romanticism because we're then starting to see if it's someone we want to commit to. You don't know them that well yet; the commitment isn't there. Even if you say, “We're committed, we're together, we're boyfriend and girlfriend,” that doesn't make it all three coming together because commitment is kind of grown over time. It sort of implies trust, as well as that. Having that passion and intimacy means getting close and having that energy with someone.
It doesn't have to be anything sexual at all. It's important to note that passion doesn't have to encompass that. Obviously, a lot of people would say it does, it's part of it for them. I’m absolutely down to everybody to say that, but just to know, it doesn't have to involve that element. That's romantic love, passion, and intimacy. Let's move on slightly round, let's stick with intimacy and commitment. This is called companionate love. I think it's a love that we see a lot of and we talk a lot about. I think a lot of couples are still together in that there, the passion side, the energy can drop off over time. I think that's the bit that people cite the most when the passion is lost. When the energy goes, you are there for one another, you know each other very well, but where's that energy? Where's that get up and go?
That's the bit when people maybe start to question their relationships quite a lot, particularly if they have had maybe all three at a particular point and it's then gone. People accept this one; this doesn't seem to alarm too many people when that bit is missing. People quite happily stay together with companionate love for a long time. I initially thought of Ellie and Carl from Up because I was like, “Oh hey, they look like they are good companions.” They know each other very well. They spend a lot of time together. They're obviously there for one another if you've ever seen that film, but actually in speaking it out loud, from what they show, does the energy drop off?
Yeah, okay, they get old with age, their energy changes, but do they still have the energy to be there for one another and to really invest in one another? Maybe? Maybe that isn't actually the best example of companionate love, but imagine if they didn't do all these things together. They knew one another very well. They are together by marriage, living together, and they just kind of go through life. I think it's very different actually for Ellie and Carl, I think they still do things together or plan to at the very least, but it's that element of companionate love. There's a slight fondness towards it.
Then we've got the last section, which is passion and commitment. This means you don't really get to know someone. It's like the extension of a one-night stand becoming something more long-term. It's called fatuous love. You kind of fall in love very quickly, you don't know that person very well, but you're like, “Yeah, I'm going to be with this person.” People can fall into the trap of that. It doesn't have to be a one-night stand going into a longer situation. It can just be that you feel that energy towards someone and you're happy to say yes, “Let's get married now,” when you haven't actually invested the time to get to know someone.
People do this. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. It’s that fleeting feeling, that sudden rush. It's interesting, I think from both passion and commitment factor is love, and passion and intimacy, romantic love, you can get very similar feelings of wanting to show up for someone. Maybe sometimes it is more passion and commitment, this fatuous love. We’ll be convinced that this is somebody that we want in our lives for a long time, yet we haven't really spent enough time getting to know someone. Previously I said it's about building trust, probably it's from both there from intimacy. It's the understanding and knowing someone that you can trust that their personality, their characteristics match yours or fit with yours, at least. The commitment is the trust that they will be there, that they're reliable. It's that kind of element.
An interesting thing, just gonna spew off from the passion element is that sometimes we get these feelings that tell us, “Yep, this is all right,” or like, “Yeah, this is going well.” Maybe it's just worth acknowledging that that's those different kinds of love. Now, before we move on to the whole three, there's also an eighth love. All three is the seventh, we've had the first three on the corners, we've had the three in-betweens, we've got the one that encompasses all three, which I'll talk about in just a moment. Then we've got this one that sits outside of the triangle, which is called non-love, where there isn't any passion, liking, or commitment. That's not a problem. You walk past people in the street and that is non-love. There is a love that doesn't exist as it were where there are no feelings towards someone, you don't know them in any particular way, and there is no commitment to them. That's non-love. It's worth mentioning that that exists as well.
Lastly, we have the three, the one that encompasses them all. That's the consummate love, which consumes. It is all of those three together. There is a commitment to being there for one another, reliability. There is an energy and there is an intimacy. You know that person very, very well and you continue to get to know one another as your relationship develops. You continue to be there for one another and show up. You continue to bring energy to a relationship. That is ultimately what consummate love is and what a lot of the love we talk about is.
The reason I bring this up is that I think it's important for you to identify when your relationship and any connection you have is in those different stages and where your friends sit. Because the relationship, the partnership, the connection you have with your friends is different from that of a romantic partner, but they are still relationships. They still need maintaining. Actually, with that kind of definition of passion, having that slightly open definition of energy means that there could be this fulfilling kind of love but there is a physical need in another sense that has to be fulfilled in another way. That doesn't mean that you don't feel love. It doesn't mean that you don't have that all-consuming feeding in a different particular way. It just depends on how you look at passion, I think very specifically there.
The reason for telling you about this is so that you can understand these types. You can start to look at your life and see what exists in your life. Who do you have that sits within each of these corners? Who do you have that sits along some of the edges of the triangle? Some people are gonna sit right in those corners very, very safely, and they'll never move out of them. Others will move out of that and be a blend and they might even move into the triangle. If it's into the triangle, then you starting to get elements of all three. Elements. It doesn't mean that it has to be this really strong-centered one in the middle. But if you then imagine all these people that you've got dotted around that triangle, you can then start to evaluate what love it is that you're really fond of, what things that you get energy from, and what then is lacking.
You can do this as well by evaluating what other things that you see because maybe you've never really looked at love through the commitment element. You see lots of people coming and going in other people's lives and that's how you've seen love. Maybe understanding that commitment level, even just within friendships of being there, being reliable, keeping up, making sure you put the time and effort in is another way of looking at things. It's just something to start to consider. This one in the middle personally challenges me because it’s such a high, strong idealisation of that consummate love, the one that sits right in the middle. You've got like this perfect equilibrium of it all. That’s what all the movies look like by the end. I mean, is it? Do they really know one another in all the senses?
We're seeing a snapshot in time. I think sometimes that really skews our view of what love is. Because we see that and we think it's got to be like that all of the time. I don't believe that that's the case. We know that over time, we change as people and relationships develop and evolve. In fact, relationships and connections can change in a day because they fluctuate based on what's going on. Have you got the energy for someone based on the fact that you're incredibly busy at work at the moment? Nope. For that time being maybe what felt like consummate love three months before has now lost some of its passion for a bit because there's another priority. You know that that's got to come back a bit later on.
This can happen with friendships as well. If people move away, then you've lost that commitment to one another, potentially, if you haven't kept that up. Then you have to consider how you then bring the commitment back when there's the opportunity to. It shifted, but it's worth reflecting on these different words. The more that you can use these words and get used to them, the idea of intimacy, commitment, passion, and understanding what they mean to you, and what they look like and how your relationships fit into that, your current friendships and connections.
That way, you can then evaluate it even further, but it's important to remember that every connection you have fit somewhere within or outside of this triangle, even the people that you don't get on with so well. There may be a commitment to them, but not a passion or liking. There may be people that you don't know in this world and have no connection to and that's non-love. There may be these people that fit so wonderfully in different places. It doesn't worry me about having that person in the center because I have a number of different people around the edge of that triangle in very different ways and slightly coming into the triangle slightly coming out.
I think that's sometimes the comfortability I have with being on my own because I'm not trying to chase this one singular person that fulfills that particular thing. If it comes along, then wonderful. It's something I cannot control. I could do things about it to increase the odds. I have spoken about this before, but I also know that I have all these other people that yes, they move up and down the different sides of the triangle based on what's going on in life, what's going on in my life, what's going on in their lives. Ultimately, I know I've got all these different people that fit into these sort of different areas. I wouldn't place them in a box; I spoke about boxes earlier with personality type. Just because I say, “Oh, yeah, there's an intimacy behind our friendship. I really know them well,” it doesn't mean that they can't then move to that intimacy and commitment stage, that companionship as it were. It looks different. I know different people have different ideas and say, “Well, yeah, but they're not going to be with you till you're 80.” I think it's really hard to ask anybody to be there when you are 50, 60 years from now.
Obviously, that's part of what marriage is, and it comes down to what your beliefs are around how life works and the comings and goings of what life is, letting go and letting life flow rather than trying to keep everything the same. Trying to keep control of it so that you know exactly what's going to happen, like clockwork every single day. Because part of life is accepting that it's going to change, and no matter how many plans you put in place, there's always a curveball ready to catch you around the corner and change directions and catch you out. You could be like, “I've got stability in these things.” Wonderful. We still deal with all the other stuff, but sometimes embracing the changes that happen in life including our relationships and the way they ebb and flow, and understanding these different corners of Sternberg’s theory is quite useful in that sense.
In today's episode, I'm not highlighting that there's anything wrong. If you want to go for that consummate love, then go for it. If you identify some of the friendships and relationships you have in your life that fulfill some of the corners or edges, brilliant; start to consider that. That's what I really want you to do. I want you to think of the three different categories, the three subcategories, which are the pairings of the two, and the one that sits in the middle. I want you to see how those different categories apply to your relationships.
I'd also like you to see where you see those types of love in others. Lastly, I want you to think about how could you use this model to inform developing your relationships, both those that are more platonic and those that have kind of romantic intentions. You've got three things to do considering the three corners, the edges, and the one in the middle. You can consider non-love as well, but you really want to focus on the relationships that exist. Where do you see those different categories in your own relationships? Where do you see them and others? How could you use this model to inform developing your relationships, making them better, much stronger than they are, be that platonic or romantic connections?
That there is Sternberg's triangular theory of love. I hope that's been a useful insight to you to start to understand the different way or just a new way of looking at relationships, and that you've got all these different types of love that don't take away from one another at all. They ebb and flow in and out, and that there is an abundance of ways to love somebody. Intimacy, a passion and energy, a commitment to being there, reliability, and a combination of all of those things. I'd love to hear your opinions on this. Any thoughts on what there is in your life, what you've seen in your life, or what you are missing? Head on over to @chantellethecoach on Instagram to connect with me, drop me a DM, and tell me how you've got on in this episode. If you've enjoyed this episode, then please head to the reviews on Apple podcasts and give it a review to say what you think of the podcast so far. I hope you have a wonderful week and until next time, keep thriving.