Break Away from New Year's Resolutions (Or Ever Being Resolute)

After taking a break from the pod for the last month of 2021, Jessica is back with the first episode of 2022, just in time to attempt to spare us all the external/internal expectations around making resolutions for the new year.

What if we broke away from that practice entirely, or at least, what it's meant before now.

Could we resolve to do less? Could we rest more? To be still and listen for what our bodies want to do next? Can we ask ourselves that question and then have the patience to wait for the answer. And then to listen to that answer, by following the guidance it offers us?

We're constantly changing. You've heard it before, and it's probably corny by now, but it is true: change is the only constant. So how can we possibly expect ourselves to feel the same way tomorrow as we do today when everything inside us out in the outside world is constantly in flux?

Jessica gets curious about this and the necessity of quiet practices during the darkest season, so we may metabolize what we have digested and for gestating what is to come. And for the sustainability of our inner and outer world.

Jessica also shares that her foray into podcasting, book writing, and social media has been a humbling experience and the dangers of pushing ourselves to be resolute when it is human to waver. She reminds us (and herself) that we need not shame ourselves for changing our pace or minds.

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The One Day You Finally Knew: For Folx Breaking Away podcast is produced and edited by Jessica Chasnoff, a recovering perfectionist who is always on a learning curve. While she is a psychologist, this podcast is not a substitute for mental health services. If you're struggling with mental health concerns, please reach out to a professional near you.

In episodes where Jessica discusses cases, they are composites of her clients from over the past 20 years.   She has changed names, situations, and circumstances to protect client confidentiality.

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Transcript

Hi there. Welcome to One Day You Finally Knew: A Podcast for Folx Breaking Away. I'm your host, Jessica Chasnoff. And I am thrilled to be here. A partner walking alongside you, as we explore and uncover what no longer serves us and how we might be able to let those things go and set them down. Let's see where our walk takes us today.

Well, hello. Happy, healthy new year to everyone. I'm actually recording this on new year's day. And, depending on how my energy level is looking, I will either get it out tomorrow or for the following Sunday. This is a really nice segue into what I want to talk about with you today.

And that is breaking away from new year's resolutions. And the reason why it's a good segue, I'd like to think so at least, is because part of what I'm working on is really listening into the moment for what feels like the next step. And in this moment, it feels great to be sitting and recording. And I don't know yet if the next thing is going to be that I feel great about sitting in editing.

I'll have to wait until I get there and then listen in and feel and see what happens. So. I'm wanting to talk a little bit about that today because there's this idea of resolutions, right? People, I mean, I don't even know how it got started, this idea that there would be new year's resolutions. That we're going to resolve to do certain things this year; that somehow it's going to be different from the way we've been. Or we're going to start something new.

I think it carries a lot of pressure with it. Having these things that we are resolved to do. And so I'd like to look at this idea of stepping back from the concept or our conditioning around being resolved to do something different, something that's active in the world. You know, it's a lot about, I'm going to go to the gym or I'm going to start this new diet or I'm going to do something. I'ma add in something.

And the more I sit and go deep inside and listen these days. And I would say this is really something that's been happening over the past couple of years. Where I'm just trying to go in and and ask my body for what it's really needing right now. The more I do this, the more I get the answer that's about doing less. It's a little bit opposite of having this resolution to do something new.

But this idea of being resolved to bring on board something more, passive, something softer, something gestational, something where there's this sacred, feminine experience of holding the container for what is eventually going to emerge. And so when we are adding in something new, a thing that we're doing, and it's an action, that's very yang, that's the sacred masculine energy, right. And this has nothing to do with male or female. No matter the gender, we all have the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine.

So when we are going outward, there's the drive. There's the ambition. There's the action. That's our yang. When we're in that space of holding of waiting of gestating what is being creative, we're in the sacred feminine. That is the yin. Sacred feminine is the Yin. Sacred masculine is the Yang. Yin and Yang together do the dance that is the Tao, which is the way of things. 

 The more I sit with what feels like is important for my personal process, the more I get the need to have quiet and stillness and deep rest so that I can be available for whatever is coming. And this is part of why I took off the last month of 2021, because it really felt like there's something brewing in me.

There's some creative process gestating. And I don't know where it's taking me and going into my intellectual mind isn't going to help me with that. So it's really just about sitting and waiting and having patience and letting the unfoldment happen. And then just kind of trying to get out of the way of that. Which by the way is not easy for me, historically, I don't do well with getting out of the way so something else that's wanting to come through can do the work. That surrender. Uh, it's it's very much a process that I feel more new at than having experience with it, really.

So this idea of, you know, what would happen if we were resolved, if we made some resolutions not to do more, but to allow ourselves to take the time, to go in and listen and be still and wait for those answers to come.

Another reason why I think it's so interesting, these new year's resolutions, January 1st is that winter has just started. Right. So this is the season that is, you know, this is, this is when, you know, I know for me. And I know a lot of other people kind of start to wonder if they're part bear, right?

Because there's this desire to hibernate. There's this natural tendency to want to go inside, be internal. And when I say inside, by the way, I don't necessarily mean in the house, although that is certainly a possibility. People have beautiful winter hikes and being out of doors and people who like to camp in the winter, like that is great. I admire that. That is so not my jam. I'm like, I want to be in my bed with all of my warming things. But, really what's happening is we are more internal. We're introspective. We're inside ourselves. There's a slowing down. There's this letting things metabolize.

And, the darkness, right? I mean, it's interesting because the first day of winter, it's the shortest day of the year, the most darkness. And then the light starts to come back and yet, we still have a fair amount of time where it's going to be dark and we're going to be moving a little bit more slowly.

And so I think, here we are living in the society. It's been industrialized for a long time. We've been conditioned away from what our bodies naturally want to do according to the season and because of electricity... Not that I'm asking to go back to the days before electricity, but we have moved away from our normal rhythms in terms of there being more light or more dark.

So I'm just really curious about this idea of, again, breaking away from these ideas of adding something in and actually, what would it be like to let something go. Or put something on hold. And to really hold space for what is coming up. The asking. The listening.

And this can look different for different people. I know that for me, I've begun this journey of ancestral healing. And so for me, it really is about leaning back and feeling the support of ancestral guides right now. And that might seem airy fairy to folks. And that's fine if it does. It really would have seemed that way to me for a long time.

But at this point in my life, not only does it not seem airy fairy, it's absolutely essential for my life experience and moving through the unfoldment.

So yes, just kind of giving a little bit of thought to "is there something I actually need to be taking off my plate?" Looking at resolutions that way. Right? Everybody's pretty tired right now. I know I might sound like a broken record talking about being tired and needing rest. And the thing is, if we are going to show up in the world in a way that is sustainable, we have to rest.

We have to realize that we're tired and we have to rest. And in all honesty, December went fast for me. I mean, I really wasn't sure that I was going to be ready to start up the podcast. I mean, even today, I was kind of like, "okay, am I going to do this today?" And so there is something about these culturally created experiences that we have, right?

Like, okay, it's the new year I've got to get started on this. I really had to give myself permission to not start back up yet. And I will say that for my own need for rest and restoration and refreshment and that sustainability factor, I am not going to be able to drop an episode every week. I could, but that doesn't feel good in my system. It feels like too much.

So starting now, this is going to be either an every other week or maybe even less, maybe every three weeks or maybe every month. I really am deep in this dance of how do I feel today. Rather than saying, this is the way it's going to be now, following the impulse in the moment, which actually brings me to this next piece about resolutions. 

 Along with the idea of resolutions or being resolute or being resolved is that there's this decision that's been made. This is the way that it's going to be now. And we are always changing. Everything is always changing. The way that I feel right now, I can't necessarily count on feeling that way next week.

This is unfortunately an expectation we have of ourselves and an expectation that society has had that we're going to put out our projects at a certain pace. I'm thinking about with anyone who's an artist, any creative, the creative field can wind up going fallow sometimes. No matter what schedule you have.

Oh, okay. I need to produce, but what if I don't feel the creative juices? This is an issue. With creativity and artistry. Sometimes the energy is just not there and forcing something to be there when it's not there, there's all kinds of problems that can come from that. Not the least of which is, uh, you know, being drained of what energy we do have, but also producing something that doesn't have the same heart-- kind of is lacking in heart.

I know what it feels like when I'm really passionate about something and I'm excited to do it versus that feeling of like "time to make the donuts". For anyone who doesn't get that reference, you probably weren't around for the Dunkin' donuts commercials back in the eighties. You can see all of them on YouTube, I am sure. If you were to do a Google and type in "time to make the donuts" you'll see it. But for those who get that, right? I mean, that's how it is when there isn't the joy and the flow behind what we're doing. And so I really also want us to challenge the word resolution in the sense that like, It doesn't have to be the way it's always going to be.

And that's, I think why resolutions break down. Because we say, okay, I'm going to do this now. This is the new thing. And, you know, look I've been there. I mean, I will tell you, this has been a really humbling past few months for me. Because it's like, okay, I'm going to write this book. I'm going to do this podcast.

And there's other ways that my life has moved me in those months. Things that have happened and things that have not happened and new stuff coming in and I'm like, y'all, I'm just not in any control. Like, I'm not in control of what wants to come through me. I'm just not.

 And it's interesting because you know, I think there've been times where I've really judged myself cause I've thought, "oh, you really, you took a deep dive into this thing and then you decided to not do it anymore", or you wound up going in another direction. And so if I'm looking at that from the way people might see me, or whether I have some kind of self judgment or perceived judgment from other around some kind of fickleness, then I could get really judgy with myself about like, why was I super into this thing and now I'm not. 

But if we take the moral veneer off these kinds of experiences, it's just that we're always changing and growing and very different all the time. Do I need to have shame about that? No, I don't. But when I say that it's been humbling these past few months, it's like when you put something out there for people like a podcast or getting on social media in a way that I had never been willing to be before, there's this kind of, I'm putting it all out for people to see, and there's this exposure.

And then if I say, oh, well actually, I've changed my mind about this, or I'm going to do it differently. We can wind up feeling some shame about that or, or having some, some self judgment. And I just want to, again, being the person that's saying, okay, I've done this. Like, I, I want to say, no, we don't need to shame ourselves around that.

We don't need to feel bad about it. We get to come to everything fresh in every moment because that's actually what's happening. Right. And. When we talk about the new year, I think that's a big thing for people. It's like this fresh start. I can do, I can start doing this. Right. But it doesn't have to be about all the things we want to do.

It can be like in this moment, it's all new again. I get to start fresh. And that doesn't just have to be the first day of the new year. That can be any time, any moment,. Like in the middle of whatever, we could say to ourselves. Okay. Actually fresh start. I want to do something different. I want to feel something different. I want to have this look different.

 That I think is the really powerful thing about the turning over of the year or the turning over of some kind of new leaf and just this reminder that we can do that all the time. Okay. Yeah. So what have I talked about here so far? The resolutions don't have to be about doing something new, adding something in, it could be about letting some passivity in.

Is that a word? Passivity. Passiveness. Okay. Yeah. We'll figure it out. Um, you know, letting in some stillness, letting in some softness, letting in some, like vegging out, right. Remembering that it's winter and that we really want to get curious about what our body is needing. And really listening. Really going in and listening for that and letting that be okay. If you're sleeping more, great. Take the opportunity to sleep more. If you're starting your day later, great. This is the kind of listening that we get to do because it's always changing. Okay. So again, also this idea that we don't need to make up our mind, and this is the way it needs to be now. To really give ourselves a wide berth for all the changes.

Going back to the, I think the very first episode. Consent is not a constant. You have the right to change your mind. Right? So that doesn't just work between people that works within yourself with your own process, changing your mind about something or doing things differently.

So I say all this again, out of the real necessity for sustainability. This world is amazing and gorgeous and abundant and offers us so much. And we are in a time of great change and disorganization. And we need to be able to be well enough that we can show up fully and engage and be able to keep that up.

It's really, really essential. You know, everything I'm doing right now is really based on the answer from the question that I go inside and ask. "Is this sustainable?"

So I would really invite you to check in with yourself around that. So little exercise for just going in. I've recently amped up my sitting meditation because that's felt right for me, but that might not be something that is appealing or that comes to you as a way to drop in. So just know that you can drop in when you're sitting, you can drop in when you're lying down, you can drop in when you're moving.

You can drop in when you're on a walk, you can drop in when you're sitting at a stoplight. Just taking time to drop in and really ask your body, " what am I needing right now"? And doing your best to wait for that answer. I mean, I think I've said this before. I'm I'm the most impatient person I know.

And, in some ways that's shifting. In some ways ehhh. Like I, I know I've been asking for more information to come through my dreams. I, I'm not really, uh, a strong dreamer. I know people who are very strong dreamers and I think that's just so amazing. And, and even though I know I'm dreaming every night and I know they're happening. I just don't retain them or they don't really necessarily feel interpretable to me. And so, I've been asking for answers to come to the dream time and they're not necessarily coming yet. Okay, fine. So I just keep waiting and in the waking dream time there stuff that comes and that's great.

I pick that up and I use it. But I also am just trying to stay very steady and I would invite you to just stay really steady with the asking and the waiting and letting it take as long as it takes. Because again, I just don't think our intellectual minds, our personality minds are in control of any of this stuff.

And I think that we really have an opportunity to lean back and rest and let answers come. And, again, there may be limits to how much rest you can get depending on what's going on in your life. Take it where you can. Take the quiet where you can. Take the stillness where you can. Okay.

So yeah. That's what I have to say about new year's resolutions, and breaking away from how we have come to know them. I hope this is of benefit to you in some way., I'm going to go and sit with all this and see how, and when the energy comes for the next time I will talk with you.

Okay. Until then be gentle and good to your sweet self

Thank you so much for listening today. If you are enjoying this podcast, please consider writing a review and giving it a five-star rating. This is something that can make the podcast more visible to others who might be. And if you are wanting to connect with me, I would love it. My contact info and socials are in the show notes.