In this episode Betsy shares her encounter with an exhibitionist. As a married woman she is no stranger to being flashed by a penis and is prepared for it at all times. But when a stranger flashed her she found herself panicked and running for the hills.
In this episode Betsy shares her encounter with an exhibitionist. As a married woman she is no stranger to being flashed by a penis and is prepared for it at all times. But when a stranger flashed her she found herself panicked and running for the hills.
Hello and welcome back to the Real, desperate Housewife. Today I am going to tell you about my week. I have had the craziest thing happen to me this week. I had a flasher flash his penis at me Like I'm a married woman. I've spent all of these years in marriage having a penis flashed at me. Like, literally when I'm walking around the house at any random moment. I am prepared that there might be a penis coming out and flashing me. Like I signed a contract saying to a penis yes, you can flash me for the rest of our lives till one of us dies. Like I, so prepared for this, I am prepared to stub my toe at any second so I can get out of dealing with the penis that's flashing me in my house. Like I am prepared to fall down and hit my knee so I can get out of dealing with a penis that's flashing me around my house. Do you know what I mean? Like I'm prepared for these situations. But oddly enough, when a stranger decides to flash his penis at me, guess who's unprepared Me, guess who runs and hides Me.
Speaker 1:And I am the person that lives my life like I'm in a crime show. I live my life like a murderer is following me everywhere, like I walk through Target, like there's a kidnapper behind me and I'm ready to mace and tase at any second and start screaming fire, like that's just who I am, because of who I was born to my mother but of course, no little miss prepared, ran and hid in somebody's front yard behind their gate and called 911 panic. And, oh my God, I just saw a penis. Like as if it was the first time I've ever seen one in my life, like you would think that I've never seen a penis in my entire life. I'm crying on the phone and the truth is like, I'm being honest, like it is a really dangerous situation to be in. It scared the living shit out of me. You would think that I would be like oh, the living shit out of me. You would think that I would be like, oh, just another penis. Oh, a penis out again, because I've been dealing with that my whole life. No, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:I was not prepared. I was terrified, terrified, you know. I don't know if I was terrified. Obviously I thought something might happen or escalate or he might chase me with the penis, but also like it makes me think like I'm not one to be dating because I don't want to see another penis ever again, like I'm good with the one I have. Thank you. Like I'm not. I don't think I'm the divorce type of girl I'm thinking I might just hang on to my marriage. I don't react well to other penises waving my way. But the truth is I was.
Speaker 1:I was really terrified and I thought to myself like Betsy, here you are, like you could have chased after this person and tased him and maybe it would have stopped him from ever doing it to someone else. Because you have to realize there are people that are younger than me, or people that, like I, was scared and like what if that was a 17 year old that looked 21? You know, I mean, that's going to freak her out. Like that's going to freak her out. So here I am on the phone with the police and they're like do you want to press charges? And I'm like, great, he is going to figure out where I live. If I press charges, he's going to know it's me. I mean I'm going to have to go to court. They're like you're going to have to point him out face to face and say that he did it to you in court because we did not see it so we cannot do it for you or witness you.
Speaker 1:And the cop was like I mean, I'm like he's going to know, it's me. He's like he won't know. It's you you think he's going to know? Yeah, he's going to see me. And I was like he's going to figure out where I live.
Speaker 1:And like now I'm going to have to deal with this guy jumping out at me in the front yard and whacking me with his penis next, like what the fuck is he going to do next? I have no idea. But like of course I don't want to do it and I'm so paranoid because, like you know, he saw my car. He could figure out by driving around that I live in the neighborhood. It's obvious. Like he can find where I live. He can creep and watch. He's obviously a creeper, so he would do it. But then I thought about it and I was like no, I'm going to press charges. I said call me when you catch him. I'm just going to do it because you know what Nobody deserves to deal with a penis being waved at them, unless they want the penis to be waved at them. That is the truth of the matter.
Speaker 1:But the whole time I'm sitting here thinking, like here I am having to deal with all of this, like possibly someone finding out where I live, stalking me, waving his penis, whacking me with his penis, doing God only knows what else, what else with this penis? All for an Instagram video so that you can look at my Instagram and laugh at me. I did this all for chupples, like I just needed someone to laugh at me. So bad that I put myself in a situation where I was not paying attention to my surroundings and I got flashed for y'all. So thank you and, by the way, I did finish shooting the video. It did get 200,000 views. So I really appreciate the views and the likes and the comments on my page. Just know that I'm putting myself in harm's way for those comments, views, likes. So thank you very much. I really appreciate them. Just know that I'm risking my life for them. Like my life is worth likes, like getting flash murdered. Something is just worth it all so that you guys like my Instagram posts Like that's, that's where I am in my life. Um, yeah, I will say that.
Speaker 1:You know, I know now I'm like now I'm so hyper aware of like this situation happening, like I'm like I was scared to leave my house to walk my dogs and I'm, like, looking around with a hat on, I look insane when I leave my house. I walk out of my front door, I have a hat on, crazy glasses, I'm trying to put crazy things all over me to look like an absolutely insane person while I'm walking my dogs because I am so scared that this guy's going to come find me and flash me again Like I'm not even joking. People see me walking my dogs and look at me and walk to the other side of the street. They're like who is this person? Something is obviously off with her. Like look at the shit she is wearing on the street. And I'm aware and I'm okay. I'm okay with looking crazy, I'm okay with being called crazy. Listen, I will be the first one to say like I'm okay with being called crazy.
Speaker 1:But you know, people really do use the crazy term with women and they get offended and I will tell you why they get offended. Like you know, if I had a dollar bill for every time, I sat down across from a friend who is dating a divorced guy who they are just vomiting to me how crazy his ex-wife was If I had a dollar bill for every time that would happen. That happened to me, I would. I would buy a car, like I'm like, and it angers me so bad. It angers me because I'm like, oh really, his ex-wife is crazy, wow, like, why did he stay with her for 15 years? Like, if she was so crazy, why didn't he just divorce her? Like I mean, cause, like that's what I would do, like if she was just the craziest woman ever, I would get the fuck out of there, wouldn't you think? Like I, it drives me bananas.
Speaker 1:Like I just want to like literally go off and I tell my friend I'm like my friends are every time they complain about the ex wife to me being crazy. This that I'm like, really I'm like you should invite her to coffee. You should get to know her. Like you should hear her side of the story, her, like you should hear her side of the story. I would love to hear what she has to say, because women get this rap of like every time there's a divorce. She was and I'm the. I'm the first one to be like, look, I'll own crazy If I had an idea that my husband was cheating on me, or if I saw something or thought something. Yeah, I would probably tell my husband, going out on a girl's night, get a set of binoculars and look at him through the window and see who he's texting. Like I might do that because, like, I'm going to make sure that I'm in the know of what's going on in this house. Crazy, if you want, call me crazy all day on, call me crazy all day. But I would like to like also, you know, just say this because it's an interesting thing. You know you don't look at the life of a woman. No one ever looks at like the timeline of a woman's life, of, like what they're told as a child and then what they're told when they get older. Like, just think about this for a second Women, when they are children, are told by their mom and dad if a anything with a penis, except for probably a dog.
Speaker 1:But like if a human with a penis comes up to you and offers you candy, run. If a human with a penis comes up to you and starts talking to you and is like, oh, let's play a game of Uno. Run If a human with a penis tries to get you in the car, scream, fire, make noise, run, scream, help, do whatever you have to do? Run from that penis, get out of there, Save yourself, or you're going to be kidnapped, you're going to be killed. We're never going to find you again, we're never going to see you again. This is what we're told as children. And then when we grow up, we're told if anything with a penis tries to talk to you, grab the penis, put it inside of you and have a grandkid. Grab the penis, trap it. We want grandkids. Do it over and over and over again. Give us a lot of grandkids. We want grandkids. We want grandkids. We want grandkids. We want grandkids. Chase the penis. Chase the penis, stay with the penis, work it out with the penis, go to therapy with the penis, have another baby with the penis. We really, really want grandkids.
Speaker 1:If you were told these two different things your entire life, people might think that you're crazy too. People might be like oh, this person's crazy. So I think, instead of calling us crazy, maybe have a little compassion. We might be confused. We might just be confused because now we look at everything like that, like we are like oh, this is this, that is that. Like we are all over the place. Okay, if you say this, that means you're cheating. Like we live in like opposite worlds, because we're told one thing and then another thing and we're completely confused. I shouldn't speak for all women, I'll speak for myself. Like literally, it is quite shocking that we're running from penises and then we're chasing penises, like it's just a lot. So have some compassion.
Speaker 1:But again back to the flasher. You know I've been reading about exhibitionists and serial flashers. You know I've been reading about exhibitionists and serial flashers and apparently there was this very successful lawyer who ruined his career because on lunch breaks he would get on the bus and drive around and flash women. And apparently the idea of flashing women, strange women, is the only way these guys can get turned on, like this is their biggest turn on is like flashing strange women, which is completely insane. Okay, thank you, I'll just spit it out. But I was, I really was shocked that I ran and you know, maybe it was the best thing, maybe everything happens for her reason.
Speaker 1:But I will tell you, you know, thinking just in your head, that you're like this person who's prepared for everything and you think that, like things, when things ever happen, it's going to go down this way or that way and you need to be prepared that you are not ever prepared. I mean, I always thought I was prepared for someone to break into my house and let me tell you, my mother taught me that I was not prepared for that. I mean, I literally thought that I would be prepared for the moment. I think maybe I was maybe a little bit prepared. But I'll tell you the story I used I taught my mom used to not live with me. Now she does. Now my mom lives with me and you know when I, when my mom, did not live with me.
Speaker 1:My husband travels for work sometimes and he was out of town on a work trip and I was on the phone with my mom and I go oh, you know, I'm going to set the alarm and I'm going to watch TV and I'm going to lay down. I'll call you before I go to bed. Okay, love you. And I silence notifications on my phone. I go to sleep, the alarms on nothing, just in a dead sleep, so tired because I don't sleep well. So the nights that I do sleep, I like sleep really deep. So in the middle of the night I hear my alarm going beep, beep, beep, it's about to go off. And I'm like, oh my God, beep, beep, beep, it's about to go off and I'm like, oh my God, my guts and everything just ran out of me. I'm on the second story of a house and I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm about to get killed. I'm about to get killed, I got these dogs.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to get up and get prepared to fight a killer back, literally getting prepared to take a killer who just came into my house down. And of course, in my head it's not a robber, it's not somebody who wants to steal a computer or a TV, it's somebody who wants to stab me. That is my thought process. And all of a sudden I hear Betsy, it's me and it's my sister, and everybody in my family has keys to my house. We all know how to get in everyone's house in case there's emergency or if we just want to sleep over each other's house or if anything ever happens. We can always go to each other's houses and get in, just fine.
Speaker 1:And of course it's like two or three in the morning. I hear her voice and I'm like what the F are you doing? And she's there with her fiance because my mom woke them up and got them out of bed and made them drive over because she said this is not like Betsy, not to call me. If you don't go over there and something happened to her, you are going to feel so guilty. You better go get in the car and save your sister now. Somebody could be in that house with her, and my mom has Parkinson's so she cannot drive, otherwise she'd been there as well, but the point is but the point is I could have died of a heart attack that night. If I die, it is probably going to be my own mother that kills me with the heart attack that she's going to give me trying to protect me. Okay, just put that out there.
Speaker 1:The woman has had me driving, looking through a rearview mirror my entire life, thinking that someone's following me and ready to kill me. I'm shocked. I I'm not dead from that. It's a good thing the Tesla drives you. I think I need to set up that more, because I'm always like is somebody following me? So literally it's my sister and it's three in the morning and it took me forever to find. So another night of bad sleep, of me laying in bed thinking that I I'm about to get murdered, just like.
Speaker 1:But at least I did have time to sit and prepare with the flashing. I did not have the time to prepare. Okay, I was not prepared for hello. How are you doing? Xoxo, a penis. I was not prepared for that, but, yes, I'm glad the Instagram video did well, I'm glad I got it up and I did, you know, take a little bit of a, a little bit of shit for that one. I really do worry, though, because my neighbors have seen me walking around in these costumes. Do worry, though, because my neighbors have seen me walking around in these costumes.
Speaker 1:I had to tell one what happened. Not only do I have a flasher in the neighborhood, but I also have a woman that I was moving my car on my street and I couldn't get out of the car because I was like what is this woman doing? This is odd. She's like creeping around, pier, and let me just sit in my car. This looks like a weird situation. I'll wait till she's off the. Let me just sit in my car. This looks like a weird situation. I'll wait till she's off the street to get out of my car. And she squatted down and took a shit across the street in the parkway right in front of me, and I'm like great.
Speaker 1:Not only did I see a penis this week, but I got to watch a woman take a shit right in front of me, as if I don't have enough with my husband being in the bathroom for 20 minutes every morning. And guys, I know you're not taking a 20 minute shit. I know you're locking yourself in the bathroom with your phone looking at whatever you look at on your phone going. I don't want to walk out of here and deal with my wife. I need a couple of minutes to relax in here before I hear my wife start talking to me and driving me crazy. I know it. I know it Because I know nobody needs to be in the bathroom that long, but anyway, so that was just not it.
Speaker 1:I didn't just get to see a penis, I got to see someone take a shit right in front of my face and I obviously waited for her to finish up and walk away and get off of the street because I have dealt with enough. So I stayed in my car through the duration of it and called my friend Lorraine Lopez Comedy, who you all know, and talked to her on the phone and was like well, stay on the phone with me, be prepared to call 911 if I get attacked because I now don't trust anyone. Listen, if she had flashed me with her tits, I'd be fine with that. I don't care, I just didn't want her to come after me in any other way. But honestly, I would much rather be flashed by a set of tits than a penis. Okay, and that's the bottom line. I don't know what else to tell you. It's been a glorious week, a day in the life of Betsy. This is what this podcast has been.
Speaker 1:Please like and comment and subscribe to my podcast. You can always DM me and let me know what you want to hear me talk about. If you want to hear any kind of stories childhood, what's going on. If you want to just ask me questions, have my opinion on things. I would love to give my non-professional opinion or advice. I should say not opinion because I'm really not that judgmental. Opinion or advice I should say not opinion because I'm really not that judgmental. But I would love to give my non-professional advice to you and your relationship and if you're dating someone or if you're married, I love giving non-professional advice. Yeah, like and subscribe and comment. Dm me, let me know what you would like to hear me talk about and thanks for listening to the Real Desperate Housewife.