Are your Wants "Don't Wants" in disguise?

I'm Bonny King-Taylor, a life coach and counselor. And I want to welcome you to Tshirt Truths, where we talk about the ideas that, when we become comfortable with them, like a favorite t-shirt, we become more fully ourselves, live more satisfying lives and interact more effectively with those around us. You've heard that saying, change your language, change your life. Right? Well, it turns out that doing so is no more difficult than washing a stiff new t-shirt until you really want to wear it.

Let's get started by slipping into today's Tshirt Truth:
Focus on what you WANT vs. what you DON'T WANT.

Let me know in the comments where you can use this tool, and if you'd like a little help applying it to a specific situation, I'll reply in the comments.

Next time on Tshirt Truths:  The P. M. S. Model for behavior change

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Episode Transcription
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Tshirt Truths, Season 1, Episode 2

Title: Focus on what you WANT vs. what you DON'T WANT.

(00:10):

Have you ever read or heard something and thought to yourself, daaaaang, that was deep. I gotta get that on a t-shirt. I have that thought all the time. 

There are universal trues and things that you might even hear in passing that can affect us so deeply that we automatically want to make them a part of who we are. But to do that, we need to go a step further than just writing them down on the back of an envelope and finding them under a coffee cup months later. We have the opportunity to practice them so that we're metaphorically wearing them in everything that we do. I'm Bonny King-Taylor, a life coach and counselor, and I want to welcome you to Tshirt Truths, where we talk about the ideas that when we become comfortable with them, like a favorite t-shirt, we become more fully ourselves, live more satisfying lives and interact more effectively with those around us.

(01:03):

You've heard that saying, “change your language, change your life”, right? 

Well, it turns out that doing so is no more difficult than washing a stiff new t-shirt until you really want to wear it. Let's get started by slipping into today's t-shirt truth, focus on what you want rather than what you don't want, and be very careful that your wants are not actually don't want in disguise. This is one of the most important tools you can ever use to change your experience of your own life. And yet it seems to be pretty difficult for people to turn into a habit. And that's because most people don't actually know what they want, much less, how to ask for it in any sort of constructive way. And to be perfectly honest, we live in a society that sort of thrives on this fact. So let's see what we can do to shift that for you.

(02:10):

Then, if you haven't listened to season one episode one, do that now to grab the best tool for eliminating catastrophizing, the kind of worst case scenario, thinking that comes along with being a hairless ape. By the end of this episode, though, you'll have a sense of how well you think you're doing on winning the game of life, how those pesky don't want, or why we genuinely believe we can't have nice things and words that can keep you focused on what you really do want and how to trick your brain into using them. All this wi

Chapters

• 0:10 Welcome
• 1:03 Change your language, change your life
• 2:10 What we'll learn now
• 3:57 Next time: The P.M.S. Model
• 4:49 Don't wants go terribly wrong
• 6:16 Notice globalized, terminal phrases
• 8:19 Join me next time

Transcript

(00:12):

Have you ever read or heard something and thought to yourself, dang, that was deep. I got to get that on a t-shirt. I have that thought all the time. I'm Bonny King-Taylor, a life coach and counselor dedicated to helping you change your life by changing your thoughts. I'd like to welcome you to t-shirt trues, where we talk about the thoughts that when we become comfortable with them, like a favorite t-shirt, we become more fully ourselves, live more satisfying lives and interact more effectively. With those around us, let's get started by slipping into today's t-shirt truth,

(00:57):

Focus on what you want rather than what you don't want, and be very careful that your wants are not actually don't want in disguise. This is one of the most important tools you can ever use to change your experience of your own life. And yet it seems to be pretty difficult for people to turn into a habit. And that's because most people don't actually know what they want, much less, how to ask for it in any sort of constructive way. And to be perfectly honest, we live in a society that sort of thrives on this fact. We have the opportunity to really scrutinize our own expectations and you'll know what they are when you hear them coming out of your own mouth. I'm going to give you a specific example that doesn't put me in a very good light. Um, but I'm gonna bet that you'll be able to identify with it on some level.

(01:52):

So I've had a number of significant partners who are really interesting people, super intelligent, very engaged in their own lives, cool jobs, et cetera, and nearly every single one of them has been a terrible gift giver. It's a skill that not everyone has clearly, to be honest while I love a thoughtful gift. That really isn't my love language. I'm an acts of service girl all the way. And if you don't know what I mean by love languages, it's a book by Gary Chapman. It's a great platform for discussion about what our expectations and needs are. And it gives you, um, a, um, a qualifier like you are this, or you are that. And while, I love these things for sparking conversation, but I think sometimes we rely on them a little too much, but in this particular case, it worked out to genuinely be useful. Um, so the partner in question got really frustrated with really not being able to win at the gift giving game.

(02:55):

At one point in exasperations he asked, well, what is it you do? And I jumped into the middle of that with both feet. I was thrilled with the possibility of being able to guide his choices. And well, it went a little bit like this.

(03:09):

I got very excited and I was like, okay, okay. So I don't wear orange and yellow because it makes me look dead. And I don't like expensive jewelry because, you know, if I lose it, then I feel really bad. And I don't want you to spend that kind of money anyway. And you know, necklaces are not really my thing, more of an earring situation. And so, I gave him all sorts of things. Information about, you can hear it coming, right. What I don't like now here's a little trick of the human brain. It does not identify the qualifier.

(03:47):

It only listens to the subject, which is why there's that joke about, um, don't think about pink elephants, because whenever you tell someone to don't think about something neurologically, they can't help, but visualize whatever the thing is. And so next gift giving holiday. I get the little box I'm like, oh, very cool. It's from the women's museum. Arguably an excellent choice for me. I opened the box. Wow. It's this really beautiful heart shaped necklace. That is Jurassic Park coool, in that it is amber, that is orange on one side and yellow on the other with a price tag, that almost gave me a nosebleed. So this was me tying my own shoelaces together and tripping over my expectation of being disappointed and getting exactly what I asked for.

(04:50):

Now. I know that that's kind of a challenging idea, but I have to tell you that when you can come to clarity about how we bring our expectations of disappointment into our everyday lives, it can change a lot of things really. And that's what I want for you. So what's the solution, noticing yourself saying things like I don't want, I don't know. I can't, it's never, these are terminal globalized phrases that assume a stopping point with zero potential. So when you notice yourself using those terms, I want you to take a breath. Hear my voice in your head saying, "try again and turn whatever that statement is around". And especially for the term, "I don't know", which is very often a stopping point for people.

(05:47):

I'd love for you to be able to hear yourself say, "I don't know, but I'd like to." That's how you're going trick your very powerful subconscious mind into going to look for an answer.

(06:03):

It's sort of like a computer working while you're asleep and you don't even notice it. It's very, very helpful to leave yourself open to.

(06:14):

"I don't like the way I feel right now."

(06:16):

"I don't want this to turn out badly, but I'm open to feeling different and I can have imagination for a different outcome."

(06:25):

That's where your real power lies, not in having all the right answers every minute, but recognizing that you will find them.

(06:34):

Next time. When we dive into the most strategic, effective, and easy to use behavior change request model I have ever seen, we'll build on the emotional regulation tool from episode one and on what we learned today about using language that focuses on what we actually want.

(06:58):

Thanks so much for listening and be sure to subscribe, rate and comment on t-shirt truths, wherever podcast room, and then share the episode with friends and loved ones because everyone can benefit from getting more comfortable with who they want to be for even more life-changing content. Follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn and Facebook links are in the show notes. I'll see you there

(07:20):

And back here on the next episode of t-shirt truths with Bonny King-Taylor.