when I was post call in residency, I used to just lay on my couch like a potato for hours, and I watched Netflix series about travel. I watched this show called Departures, The Travelman, I watched movies like Eat, Pray, Love, Wild, and I even did something really weird where I would spend hours looking at Google Maps on my phone, just zooming in to different places around the world. Dreaming of what it would be like to travel and visit and be in these exotic places around the world. I was fully immersed in this fantasy. I dreamed of quitting my job and backpacking around Southeast Asia, but then the reality smackdown would hit me. I've got over 100, 000 in student loans. I've got a dog. I would remember all of my responsibilities, and it would bring me back down to earth. And I would think, ugh, I can't just quit my job. I have these responsibilities. So maybe that's you right now. Maybe you're unhappy in your career, like I was in residency, but you can't just quit your job and travel the world. Maybe you have kids to take care of. A mortgage to pay. You have all of these adult responsibilities that feel like a weight on your shoulder. So what do you do then? Today, I'm going to be kicking up the Tough Love Tuesday factor as we walk through the question, what do you do if you're unhappy, but you can't just quit your job because you have responsibilities? You're listening to Life After Medicine, the podcast for health professionals who want to make a difference, make a living, and still have the freedom to enjoy their lives. My name is Chelsea Turgeon, and my mission is to help you, the lost health professional, find your authentic path to helping others and generating stable income without having to sacrifice your own health and happiness in the process. So first, let's get this straight. It's not about quitting your job and traveling the world. It's not a quit your job and travel the world fantasy. It's a happiness fantasy. You're dreaming about being happy. Back when I was miserable in residency, I had all kinds of other happiness fantasies, too. I would have conversations with friends who had 9 5 jobs, and realize, you have every single weekend off? Wow, what must that be like? And I would fantasize about having every single weekend off. I fantasized about being a nurse instead of a doctor, because they never had to work 80 hours a week. They had shifts. They would maybe do three 12 hour shifts in a row, and that seemed like the dream for me when I was working in residency. I talked to one PA on Zoom, and she told me she fantasized about being the lawn care people. She would look out her window and see people taking care of the lawn at her clinic, and she fantasized about being them. So none of these are the real fantasy. It's not that you necessarily want to quit your job and travel the world. It's not that I wanted a random 9 to 5 office job. It's not that I wanted to actually be a nurse. It's that we're using this language as a proxy for being happy. We're creating a fantasy around these circumstances and thinking, if I could just have my life look like this, then I would enjoy my life. Then I would enjoy my work. But at the end of the day, what you really want is just to feel good. To be happy. Maybe to be less stressed, to be more present, to have more control and autonomy over your time. It's not about quitting your job and traveling the world. It's about being happy. So let's identify that. Let's identify what's underneath your happiness fantasy. What are you really after? Usually it's going to be Something so simple. I just want more time. I just want to be more present with my family. I want less stress. I just want to feel good. First we have to get to the heart of what it is you actually want. Then we need to address some cognitive distortions that you might be making. In his book, The Pathless Path, Paul Millard says, our tendency to glorify and simplify stories of people quitting their jobs convinces far too many people that this move is only possible. for uniquely courageous people. We tend to look at people who have quit their jobs, who have started traveling the world, who have taken these big leaps, and we tend to simplify it using an all or nothing thought distortion. We think, oh, I can't quit my job right now because I currently need income to pay the bills that I have, and we turn that into, so then I'll never be able to find a career I enjoy and I'll be stuck in this job forever and ever. All or nothing. We say, well I can't travel the world because I have a family. So I'll never be able to have this freedom lifestyle. We tend to create these all or nothing dynamics. Which is dangerous, because we look at other people, and we say, well it must be nice for them, but But I can't do that because of x, y, and z. And because I can't do this drastic leap, because I can't do exactly the thing you did, I'm just stuck where I am. And it'll never be possible for me. Because I can't do this big drastic version, I'll do nothing. And another of Paul's quotes, he says, for most people, life is not based on all or nothing leaps of faith. That's a lie we tell ourselves so that we can remain comfortable in our current state. Because what's really true is it doesn't have to be all or nothing. That's a lie we tell You don't have to take a huge leap or stay completely stuck. Really what you have to do is create some wiggle room and start experimenting. You don't have to quit your job cold turkey with no backup plan or no income. But what if you reduced your hours a bit? What if you went part time? You don't have to go fully remote. But what if you asked about doing telemedicine one day a week? You don't have to sell all your stuff, and travel the world. But what if you spent one month living and working abroad? What if instead of thinking that you need to take these big, giant leaps, and then getting discouraged when that's not quite possible for your current life circumstances, what if you started taking smaller steps in the direction of what you wanted? So now that you've identified what you actually want, the desire beneath the happiness fantasy, and you've entertained the idea that you can take small steps to get there, you still might feel resistance to actually moving towards it. And that resistance usually brings up some excuses. So for one of my clients, the desire we identified within her, was to move overseas. That was the desire beneath the fantasy. And we identified a small step she could take towards getting there. She was going to spend a month living and working in Europe. And that may sound like a big step, but she already had a remote job, she had already done one week, two weeks in other places around the world, so this wasn't a huge stretch, it really was the next step. But even so, she had this giant list of responsibilities that were keeping her from acting on this. This huge list of reasons as to why now wasn't the right time. She had her house for sale. She had pets. There was all of these responsibilities that she had to take care of. So let me bring in a hot take because it is Tuesday after all. What if responsibility was just another word for excuse? stay with me here. When you have something you want, but then you're blaming your external responsibilities as to why you can't have it, you're basically saying that you're too lazy or you're too scared to figure out a creative solution. To figure out a creative way for you to get what you want. Because what is actually true, there is nothing within your life circumstance that is a legitimate reason why you can't begin the process of pursuing a more fulfilling career. There is no single responsibility you have right now that precludes you from taking a step towards what you want. so much. Now, your responsibilities are real, and they are situations and factors to be dealt with in one way or another. And every single responsibility can be figured out. So let's say what you want is more time off. And that doesn't feel possible because you have financial responsibilities that make it challenging to take a pay cut. Let's take a good hard look at those. Are there creative ways to reduce your financial responsibilities? I had a client who switched her kids from this expensive private school that cost more than her mortgage to a free charter school without compromising education quality. This significantly reduced her financial responsibilities and gave her some space to go part time. Every single responsibility? Can be figured out and there's a quote from Arnold Schwarzenegger that really hits home in this tough love moment. You can have your results or you can have your excuses, not both. And if the results you've identified beneath your happiness fantasy. Are to make a difference, to make a living, and to have the freedom to enjoy your life? Those results are absolutely possible for you. It does not matter what the details of your current life circumstances are. They can be figured out. You just have to decide that you want to figure them out. That you want your results more than you want your reasons. Because, my love, yes, of course you have responsibilities. And yes, maybe you feel like you can't just quit your job and travel the world because you have responsibilities. But first we have to figure out, is that what you really want? Or is that just part of a happiness fantasy, an escape fantasy you've constructed? So first and foremost, check in with, what do you really want? What is beneath that happiness fantasy? And then next, check in with, where are you doing all or nothing thinking? Where are you saying that your next step has to be this big, drastic leap? What if you could take some smaller steps in the direction of what you want? And even so, it may still feel like there's obstacles. But what if they could all be figured out? What if there was always a creative solution for you to get what you want? Because my love, the truth is, we all have responsibilities as adults. But taking care of your responsibilities doesn't have to preclude you from having the things you want and from living the life that you want. So I hope this episode helps you see that you can have exactly what you want, and there's no set of life circumstances or responsibilities that can preclude you from going after that.
