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Aleeza Ben Shalom
Episode 114: Modi and Periel are joined by dating coach and author Aleeza Ben Shalom of Netflix's Jewish Matchmaking!
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Episode 114: Modi and Periel are joined by dating coach and author Aleeza Ben Shalom of Netflix's Jewish Matchmaking!
Send us Modi Mail!
118A Orchard St.
PMB #208
New York, NY 10002
Modi's special "Know Your Audience" is available on YouTube now!
For all upcoming shows visit www.modilive.com.
Follow Modi on Instagram at @modi_live.
Welcome to Andy's Modi. Okay, we're starting a matchmaker. Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch. Night after night in the dark, I'm alone, so find me a match of my own.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Hello, I thought you were a comedian, so find me a match of my own. Hello, I thought you were a comedian. Is that Is that? Is that Is that Is?
Modi:that Is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that? So Jewish matchmaking. We have Aliza Ben Shalom Ben Shalom Depends if you're Sephardic or Ashkenazi With a show on Netflix called Jewish Matchmaking. We have Periel, who is in a match. She's already married.
Periel:She's yes, Well.
Modi:By the way that, well, that's a different show. By the way that, well, that she just did gets her the biggest laugh in her whole act. She gets on stage and goes I'm married to an Israeli. Everybody's like yes, and she goes well, that's the biggest laugh she has in the whole. Now you have other laughs too. It's so good to see you. Your show is so fun, You're fun, and so we obviously are going to find out the secrets of Jewish matchmaking and give us do we have any like intro background? How does it? Yeah, we have those of you listening. Obviously, there's no school to go to be a matchmaker.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:True, except now there is because I have my own courses and programs, because there is nothing.
Modi:There's nothing.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Well, okay, it's also not true. They developed an international matchmaking group Stop yeah and they have matchmaking training, but specifically for Jewish singles. If you're looking for anything like that, there's no like one way to do it, but now there is.
Periel:But you also say that everybody can be their own matchmaker, right?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:And not just your own. Everybody should be a matchmaker.
Modi:Yes.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:This is like everybody's hobby. You need to set your friends up, period your family, your people. You need to set people up. You know people, they know people. Put them together up, period your family, your, your people.
Modi:You need to set people up you know people, they know people and not just for weddings, not just for, not just for weddings. I, I believe uh, people need to. When you see people you know need to be an amazing example, a business match amazing an amazing example is two people I'll tell you that are amazing at this.
Modi:Kim Kushner okay, she can like at her Shabbos table can put together a crew of people who need to meet each other. We met Jake Cohen there. Well, we knew Jake Cohen, but we ended up doing a summer house with him, and Jake Cohen, the chef the New York Times bestselling chef also is such a shotgun of just. You should meet him. They should meet them. Guys get lunch and things happen like that and that's not for marriage, that's just for friendship.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Friendship business personal connections, life, something, anything. Yes, we should always be doing this.
Modi:But they should have a feel inside them that it's not just because it's two people that work in the same industry.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Right, so well, that okay.
Periel:Is it true that it's a mitzvah to make a shidduch? Is that true?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Well, yes and so of course it's a mitzvah to bring people together. It's. It's the most incredible thing to have two people that have their own life and their own world and you bring them together. But it is not. Some people are like you make three matches and you go to heaven.
Modi:Yes.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:There's no source for it, not from any religion anywhere, and everybody believes it. It's one of those like. We all know it, we all believe it. You ask anybody. I've asked dozens of rabbis, I've asked anybody.
Modi:Do you know how many times? I would say in the Gemara it says the Talmud. I've never said it about that. I've never said it about that, but I've heard that if you make three shadochem, three matchmaking, you get a free pass to heaven. I'm working on the anshe bediche If you're a comedian, you get a free pass to heaven.
Periel:So I'm on that one Do Jews believe in heaven?
Modi:We believe. Yes, Olam haba, yes.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Olam hababa, yes, olam Haba Gan, eden, there's an eternal place of let's call it comfort, joy, satisfaction and a place to be in the good place, and there's a total place of sitting with all the stuff that you did, that you shouldn't have done. Well, it's most, but that also ends, so the way.
Modi:I explain it in my show is like this Because Leo is Catholic, so Catholics believe in hell, which I think is easier than what Jews have. Jews have a gilgul. So if you don't finish off what you have to do in this lifetime, you come back and finish it off in another lifetime.
Periel:Gilgul like a reincarnation, reincarnation.
Modi:So do you really want to come back and do the SATs again? I'm, I would rather burn. I'd rather burn me, just burn me. Let it all just kill, fry me, let's finish it, I'm done. I don't want to come back and do SATs in puberty and a mother-in-law. You don't want that, do you? You don't want another mother-in-law, do you? I'm in hell right now. Has v'shalom.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I always tell people.
Modi:No, come on, we are not killing time, we have so many questions for you.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I'm here, I'm here, we're obsessed with you.
Modi:Okay, okay, so okay.
Periel:We're going to start backwards. First of all, is there anything that you want to say like out of the gate Like what's your thing?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:My thing is that everybody has a match and everybody has the potential to meet their match, and there's not only one human being for you. You've seen people get married, they get divorced, they get remarried. So what do you think? They have one soulmate, and who's the second person? Just their partner.
Periel:So you say that you make your soulmate under the chuppah. That's it, you get married.
Modi:You make, yeah, you make the soulmate, but you have okay.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:And you keep them by not divorcing them or by them not dying. Okay, that's al-pihalamut, that's al-pihalamut, but then you free up, If you become like a free soul, like a free radical. You know you're a free soul, you can match up again and the way that you, if you get married again, yay, now you have a new soulmate.
Modi:But I also believe that you have a soulmate that is friends of, like a friend of yours. Who's a soulmate I have, oh, I call that soul family.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:They're in your soul family.
Modi:That's a soul family.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:When I say soulmate, I mean life partner, that person you're going to choose to live with. I'm all in for like the soul family, or like a business soulmate, or like people that are in so you have in your inner circle that's like your people no, but within the people.
Modi:You know, if I have, I have friends who have their inner family, but some of them are not so soul family, they're just well, they're biologically spiritually soul family, but then they have their other soul family which is like my people. I have my soulmate. I have my soulmate, I have somebody that I'm connected to on such a level. That's insane, and we bring light into the world and we're growing together, leo.
Periel:I'm just kidding.
Modi:And then I have my soul family Dina Dina is my soul family, ron. And then I have my soul family Dina Dina is my soul family, ron. My cousin from Israel is a soul family. His mother was a soul family. To me All of that is soul. So you call that soul family.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Right, and I would say and you don't even have to be related to them, there was a rabbi that we were very the rab that married us, um, and that we're very close with they're like our soul family.
Modi:Are we blood relatives? We're not, but we are for sure, spiritually for sure, people. And I believe no, and I wait because. So then we're off track, um, um. So then I believe that those are people. You came back into the world with things with them, you came back to finish this gilgul with them, the people that are hard. Okay. So you come back and you have people put into your life like your here's your sisters, here's your mother and father. You have to get this thing right. Right, or either cancel them, or work it out with them, or get, and then you have the people that come in to help you in in this world. Maybe you helped them in the past life, maybe they helped in this life. Okay, now we're fully off track.
Periel:Yeah, okay, I didn't know that she's believed in reincarnation. Okay, so this is a little bit of a controversial we actually you're the only guest we prepared questions for no but this is this is like a little bit of like a controversial take right this idea that you make your soulmate under the foot bath. I don't know, I don't know any other take.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Is it controversial? Yeah, no, no. I have heard people say you know I met my soulmate but it didn't work out. I said did you get married? They say no. I said then they were only your potential soulmate. They weren't your soulmate. They could have been your soulmate if you did not marry them. Even if you feel like you were soulmates. I'm happy that you feel that and that's a really nice feeling. But the way that you were a body and a soul in Aliza's world, okay, everybody can believe what they want to believe.
Periel:It's fine, come into my world for a minute.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:We are a body and a soul, so we're a spiritual thing and a physical thing. So a soulmate is a spiritual thing, soulmate thing in this world, physical, right. So how do you make a mate, a life partner? You get married, right? So that's to me the definition of soulmate is in that moment I picked you and to the rest of the world I said no, thank you, not you, not you, not you, nobody. I don't want anybody else, I just pick you.
Periel:I like that, it's like an active decision. So in the chuppah.
Modi:In the chuppah you have the seven blessings. In the chuppah the two souls come together and they go into into. In the Jewish world things happen in 10 degrees. Yes, the sefirot, you have what we are in Rabbi Modi Right so you have.
Modi:we have the seven blessings that bring them from the, from the lower worlds, into the upper worlds. That's why you have the Sheva Brachot, and whoever gives them puts that energy into them to go to, to combine their souls and go into the upper world. I've done many marriages. I explain this. Am I right or wrong?
Periel:I'm bringing him with me to every program from now on. I am in shock, right now I'm about to have another wedding.
Modi:No, you should have hired me the first time. Her cheap husband wouldn't hire me for the wedding. Believe it or not, that was how we met, anyway, yeah.
Modi:So, yes, you're doing a ceremony to combine it, but if we're going to go into the laws of Judaism, people that live together already are considered married. Yes, you're married under a few things, and correct me if I'm wrong, shtar, there's a contract, there's monetary, which is like the ring and then the brachot. Either one alone will marry you, or all three you do. Am I right or wrong? I could be wrong, but so and I? I?
Periel:I talk on this podcast I'm not a rabbi I'm not a rabbi, neither I'm not a rabbi.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You're not a rabbi it's just my podcast so I'm gonna leave it like this modern day, how we're living now yeah, yeah you're not like. If you live with somebody and then it doesn't work out, the rabbi's not going to tell you you need to get divorced before moving on. So the way that we're holding is through marriage today, the specific things in the torah, exactly exactly. Talk to a rabbi, bring him on the podcast absolutely we have, we have, our, we, we have we have an official rabbi of the podcast.
Periel:We also have a lawyer Now we have a lawyer.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Now you have a lawyer. I want to be the official matchmaker. We have a meat provision.
Modi:A&H provisions. Yeah, now A&H provisions. Ladies and gentlemen, for your best kosher meats obviously the best hot dogs in the world go to kosherdogscom Dot net. Oh my God, kosherdogsnet. Use promo code MOTI for 30% off of your first order Back to the podcast.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Can I bring them in to Israel?
Modi:Yeah, I'm sure.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:My husband is like the barbecue king.
Modi:Oh, so he should. Oh yeah, we can make sure you go home with a big package.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:OK.
Modi:Yes, ok, so I'm sorry. Back to what you were saying.
Periel:Yeah, that was amazing. By the way, yeah, seamless.
Modi:Seamless.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Go ahead, you were saying that so modern day, you get wedding. That's how we bring two souls together and we're literally saying you know, you're a part of a soul, and you're a part of a soul. And oh wow, you just joined them together. Now you're a part like you are the soul right, like your soulmate, is that piece to your soul that completes you, pulls it together, whatever, but like you. Literally the woman circles around the man during the chuppah to bind, the neshamas to bind those souls together.
Modi:I thought it was to protect, don't.
Periel:I don't think I did that. No, I'm like upset now.
Modi:I'm sure you didn't. I'm sure you didn't.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Also, there's many different things. There's not just one. In Judaism, there's just one reason that something happens Never Right so fine together, and that's what we do and the whole goal. We go into the world. We're looking all over where am I going to find my person? And everybody's looking for one and you only need one. But we have options. You like, you know like. There's stock options, there's soulmate options. You have soulmate options and you have the ability to choose who you want to be your life partner. Could there be somebody that might be a better match or a more qualified? Whoever you end up marrying, that's who God needed and wanted you to marry, and you have free will to pick your person. And there's a lot of options in this world. Wow, this is like.
Modi:Very, very nice. Good gezook, that's very good. Okay, so again just to. We're going to go back to where these people are going to really want to hear. So in the chuppah, whenever I perform a ceremony for a chatan and kalah, I give them the menu. Okay, here's the menu From A to Z a bedekin, there's the mikvah.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You give them a choice, you mean.
Modi:Not the choice I go. This is everything that you can do. That is a part of a full-blown Orthodox Jewish ceremony.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Okay.
Modi:Do you want to walk around him seven times or no? He goes no.
Periel:No, so it's a menu.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You're giving a choice.
Modi:I explained to them that the talit has to come from the wife because it's the energy of all makif surrounding light. So you're giving him this talit under the chuppah and we do the blessing with the. I do a the blessings of the chuppah too, you know. So I let them know what I go. You can invite different people to do the seven blessings and bring their energy.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You knew he ran all these.
Modi:Yeah, and you can bring seven people to put their energy in. If you know some big rabbi that you want to put his energy in, your soul maker, a doctor, a billionaire, somebody that want all of those energies.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I like the theory of this. I see, you want a doctor, you want a billionaire, you want a rabbi.
Modi:you got your spiritual, financial and health. You want their blessing in the steps of your souls going into the upper world. That's what it is.
Periel:You're very impressive.
Modi:Wait, I'm not Okay. So I give them the menu of what they want.
Periel:What is the ducking?
Modi:It's a ceremony that they have. She keeps us in track when we get too Jewish. A bedecken is where the groom goes and unveils the bride before, but I do that. I bring her down halfway down the aisle. By the way, when I do a wedding, my most important thing I want to make sure that all the pictures and video look amazing. So I bring her down the aisle and then the groom goes to pick her up, and that's when he does it, instead of a full ceremony.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:No, no, not unveiling, veiling. Veiling yeah, the reverse, like pulling the veil over, yeah, yeah, that.
Periel:I did. Okay yeah, not so tough.
Modi:And he still married you, and he still married you.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:He took the risk of not knowing who was behind the veil. He would just, you know, make sure he knew.
Modi:So now people come to you and they say I need a cellmate, I'm all alone. I want to find a guy who's rich and smart and has this and that. And what do you like when they come at you with their wish list? What do you do?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Well, first of all, I tell them I am a matchmaker, not a miracle worker. They both start with the letter M, but not to get confused.
Modi:That's on her card.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Okay. Other people say do you have a guarantee? I said, if you, yes, yes, I'll come to you, I'll pay you to match me, but I want a guarantee. I said, great, you sign on the dotted line and tell me you're going to do an arranged marriage, I got a guarantee for you. You want me to guarantee that your brain and your heart is going to choose somebody and you're going to say yes within the time that we're working together. I can't do that. I don't. And also that your brain's going to say yes and their brain's going to say yes and everybody, heart and soul, we're all going to be in. I don't have a guarantee for you. What I do is I offer opportunities to meet people that you probably weren't able to meet on your own and I offer a lot of support in terms of coaching and navigating the system and handholding, and you have some guidelines and rules. My mother was a preschool teacher and her little kids would joke they're like Miss Susan's coming over and she's bringing all of her rules.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Because, that's her shtick and apparently that's stuck because Aliza has a lot of rules which are really like guidelines, but I just tell you they're really smart, Like if what you're doing isn't working. Maybe you want to try my way or you can just do your way forever.
Periel:Good luck.
Modi:Your rules.
Periel:You want to know my rules. What are Miss?
Modi:Aliza's rules. I'm obsessed. Right now, go ahead.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Okay, I have the five date challenge. Okay, shomen Egea, shomen Egea. No touching for the first five dates. Here's why I don't care if you're secular, religious, I don't care your age, I don't care what background, I don't care what country you're from, it doesn't matter If I like you and I want to see you to a third date. If you do that five times, what do I know for sure? I don't have to be a psychic, I don't have to be a therapist, I don't even have to be your matchmaker If I want to see you a sixth date and you want to see me a sixth date and you didn't touch me. There's chemistry.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You must like my insides, you must like me as a human being, that you want to see me, and I've talked to a lot of men and they're like I'd take the 10 date challenge and one guy goes I'd take the 20. I'm like, what are we bidding on this now? Hilarious. So if you like the human being, then you're willing to stick around and you're also dating for the human being, the touch, fine, whatever. You'll figure it out later. I'm sure you're all pretty good at figuring that out. No problem, right, human being. So who cares that I like your body but I don't like who you are as a human. Like that's smart, that we should date in the other way, like everybody has the other.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I used to have a theory. I grew up secular and I became observant. And my theory when I was I don't think I've ever said this before You're getting, you're getting unfiltered, aliza Okay, when I was, you know, in my teens, through my twenties, before I became observant, I was like, don't even bother going out with him, just kiss him. If he's not a good kisser, ditch him, move on, you don't even know who needs to know anything else.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:That was my dating theory. Okay, it's a terrible theory, what so? He's a good kisser and he's a lousy human being who cares. It's completely irrelevant. So if you're really dating for marriage, if you're dating for fun, then you should follow my teenage theory, but if you're really dating for marriage, then we should make sure I like the inside and then whatever we're going to see about the outside.
Modi:This is dumb dumbest dating for fun. And then she got married.
Periel:I got married by accident. That happens too.
Modi:Okay, amazing. So that's one dating.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:That's like the no touching it works for everybody. Okay, have along with that with. The five date challenge is commit mentally to going out five dates. Basically, you're not saying no, you don't have to think You're on a date. Are you going to go out again? Yes, why? Just because I committed to doing this, unless it's horrible a train wreck.
Modi:A train wreck Unless.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Unless it's a firm a thousand percent.
Modi:if you were the last person on the earth, I wouldn't even repopulate the earth with you, and there's things that people could do on a date, like if someone, if I was on a date with somebody and I saw that they pushed their food onto the fork. There's no second date. There's no like completely. Yeah, like a little Like when they.
Modi:Oh, with the finger the finger, they push it onto the second date. I'll call you Hi, lisa, hi, I'm in the bathroom. She's sitting there, finger with the fork, she's pushing the food. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's pushing the food onto the fork with her finger, so I just I'll I'll pay for five more dates for her to go with.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:No, no, no, no. So anyway, you mentally commit to it, but if it's a hard deal breaker, done we're done Move on, I got you, I got you so that's kind of what I call also when in doubt go out or date him till you hate him.
Periel:When in doubt go out, or date him till. You hate him, date him till you hate him.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Oh, date him till you hate him. Wait, I have a present for you. No, can I like go off and get it and come back. You're going to really like it.
Modi:Okay, yes, okay, okay, go do it, wait, wait Date him till.
Periel:You hate him.
Modi:Date him till. You hate him. My husband's still doing. Your husband is dating because you hate him.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Oh my God, Date him till you hate him. It's a date him till you hate him. Yarmulke, Everybody's like Aliza, you have to make merch. I'm like I'm not making merch, why I don't need merch. But date him till you hate him.
Modi:Date him till you, hate him.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:It's good it has clips. If you need clips, it's the perfect one. It can clip right on his thing.
Modi:I know how yarmulkes come I know how yarmulkes come Date him till you hate him, I love you.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:No, the other one that rhymes oh, oh, oh, when in doubt go out when in doubt go out.
Modi:Okay, okay, wait, what are all?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:of my rules, you can only move as fast as the slowest person in the relationship. Okay, correct.
Periel:So if you know like, can we get a slogan for that that rhymes? I don't have a slogan for that one.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:We can work on that. We need one things that's like my thing the best thing in the world.
Modi:It's the best thing in the world be the friend that brings the friends to the comedy show be a proud you and be you, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, it's, it's things that.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Well, I also do like and I do poetry a little bit and I've like written songs, even though I'm not a songwriter, but like I I think I think no, not psalms songs, but I should write psalms so go ahead.
Modi:So what's the next thing?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:um, what other rules do I have? Oh my gosh, I didn't come with a list here.
Modi:And then I'm going to my next phase of questions. I have Okay.
Periel:Do they follow the?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:instructions. Most of them Well on the show, some of them didn't.
Periel:No, but in real life, but in general.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:So in general, I give guidelines and I say do your best to follow, but you're you Like you, do you? But again, like maybe. But if you want to succeed, but maybe you want to try something different to get different results, people who follow it just goes easier. The other thing about this, with all the rules, is I want to knock out the thinking for a moment, because a lot of people who get stuck in the dating cycle are thinkers. There's the knowers, thinkers and the feelers. Okay, there's three. Can I? I'm going to give you my little spiel here. There's three kinds of daters. There's the I-dater, the we-dater and the you-dater. Okay, I'm going to tell you, yeah, yeah, the I-dater is the one that looks at you. They like walk in the room, they give you like a like once over and they're like no, like they're done, they're done. You didn't even open your mouth. They looked at your belt, they looked at your shoes and they are out okay, we're in, we're in.
Modi:That's a lot. If if shoes and belt and bag you're going to be horrible, then it's okay, okay. So why is that? Why is that I dating?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:because they, they know, they absolutely know. I know everything I need to know if they come if they come to Aliza, they basically suck my brain. They do what they want with the information and they move on.
Modi:Okay, okay.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:They don't like need your, they're like. They know I know.
Periel:I know, I know. If they know, then they won't be coming to you.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:They sometimes just want information or perspective. Not that they're going to listen, but it's helpful to process, but they do their own thing. Process, but they do their own thing. The you daters they like you and you and every time they go out they're like, oh, I think this is wonderful, and they're like it could be my soulmate. And then, you know, they break up. And then the next one is like oh, we went out.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:They're hopeful, they have a feeling, they like a lot of different types of people Like, they're very open, they like love people. So you're this style and you're this style and I'm this style and they love all of us and we're all wonderful and and they feel it like it just feels nice and they have a nice time. So it's good and it's good enough. Who's gonna be the decision maker? You, you, the other person dating them is gonna decide, because a person that likes them back, because they like a lot of different styles of people and it's genuine, you will decide and they, they feel it. They like feel into it. If they like feel into it, if they totally feel out, it wouldn't work. The we daters are the most difficult. You know, like they, what do you think? Do you have a nice time? Yeah, I don't know. You want to go out again. I mean, maybe I guess I could. You keep asking them questions. They don't have an answer and they literally live in I don't know land.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Why the we, because they're a communal decision maker. We, together. They come, elisa, what should I do? You want me, I can give you advice and support and perspective, but you have to make the decision. No, no, no, tell me what I should do. Like like you do it we, or we do it together. Like I'm only going to do it if you're on board. And they talk to Elisa and their mother and their father and their sister and their brother and their best friend, their neighbor and their coworker, and they have 27 people they're talking to. Those people make me crazy. They make themselves crazy. They don't know what to do and I believe that 70% of daters are like that.
Modi:I think only 15% are I and 15% are you. I have friends who do that on their iPhone. She know I don't text yes. No, here they're done. My texts do not go to the second line and they literally they're telling what each one said to each other. I got that.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:That's insanity. No, but it's very hard. They are the thinkers. Okay, the I people are the knowers, they know it. The we people are the feelers they feel it. And the sorry, the you people, the we people, they're the thinkers, like, of course they have feelings, but they're thinking theirself through and out of the situation.
Modi:And you know what it sounds like On Pesach the wise son, the dumb son and the son that forgot to pay the mortgage. Whatever, I forgot what the rabbi forgot to afford sons. The one who doesn't know how to ask. Doesn't know how to ask exactly.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:But that's. This is why I have the rules, so that you can remove the thinking part of it, Not that you're removing your thinking.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:But in the first five dates, look, the goal of a first date is to get a second, and the goal of a second is to get a third, and the goal of the third is to get a fourth. Right, we just want to get to that next date to see if there's potential. If it's horrible, it's a no. If it's oh, if it's anything other than a no, it's a yes. If it's not a no, it's a go, that's it. If it's not a no, it's a go, yes, oh my God, that's the third one.
Modi:we got out of it Date until you hate them.
Modi:If it's not a no, it's it to go. What was the other one? When in doubt, go out. When in doubt, go out, I love you. Um, you are literally like you are a merch company's, like I'm tweetable, I'm so, you know, like my little quotables. Okay, so now pools. How good you. You have a pool of men and women. That's what you deal with. Yeah, you would deal with heterosexual Jewish marriages, yeah, okay. And so now you have a pool and you don't just say you and you try this. You have to feel something.
Modi:No, so first of all, let me tell you something In the gay world.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Yeah.
Modi:This is just. The worst thing in the world is this you have a woman who has a gay friend who's her florist I'm just being super stereotypical, you know what? I'm sorry. Her gay friend who's a dermatologist and her gay friend who's her hairdresser oh my God, you should meet. Just because he's gay, you should meet. And it's like never.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:It's never, ever the right. So let me just tell you, if that's the way it works in that world, it works the same way. Oh uh, you're the. I just thought of this. It must be true. God must have sent this to me. You're the two single people I know. I think you should go out. You've got a nose, she's got a nose, and you live in New York. This is great.
Modi:Let's make a match you know, I used to have a line. I used to have a line. I would say I'm out on stage now. I was always out, but I was never out on stage. And now I'm on stage so people don't come to me and I, you know, are you single? So back in the day people go you're single, I have someone for you, I someone for you, I have the perfect, they're perfect, they're amazing.
Modi:I have the perfect person for you. And they always think, because they have a sense of humor, which is like the last thing I need. I don't need somebody to laugh at me. I'm the funny one I would say I was like oh, you're the perfect person for me, is she into bondage? And that's the face they make. Huh, and I go no, then she's not my soulmate, she's not my, and they never would ask again. It was just like this great boom. It's like bondage, what the hell.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:So I think this is universal.
Modi:Then yeah, it's just because you just they know somebody who's single. So if you're not a matchmaker.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You're not thinking like a matchmaker. You're just thinking who do I know who's single? I like you and I want to help. Okay, I want to help you and therefore, let me rack my brain. Oh, inspiration had an idea of a human. That's the only person I could think of in my whole Rolodex. I spent like three seconds thinking, but that's the first person I thought of. This should be great. Let me swap numbers.
Modi:No, so hold on, let's just go back. You went over an amazing, amazing klal. General thing that we have in this podcast is the Rebbe always says helping. When you help somebody, the bracha ve'atzlacha comes, so your intention is literally to help.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:But to really help not to. Oh my gosh, this is and I don't don't tell me somebody's amazing. If you say amazing, I don't even want to hear the next word out of your mouth Awful, oh. The other one is interesting.
Modi:She's very interesting Really. Why interesting? She's very interesting Really why she's missing an arm. To watch you eat steak is really interesting. Awful words, awful words.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Well, they're not. First of all, they're not descriptive and, second of all, they're not specific to why they are interesting for me. So, like I have an amazing match, my first question is what made you think of them for me, not think of them? I know you thought of them because they popped into your mind For me, oh, I don't know if that's the first thing out of their mouth. We're already disqualified. We have to keep going, but for me are they similar, whatever the age range, that works for me. The location Do you think our personalities were matched? How much do you know about them? Are they your dermatologist or are they somebody that you've had a three-hour conversation?
Modi:with and you know them. I'm a little lost. Is this the question to you or you to them?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:This is like any Joe who's trying to sit. Oh, okay, okay, you were talking about anybody like that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, not you. Okay, but what are?
Modi:you thinking of? What are you? We know that that's how the rest of the world looks out, but how do you?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Okay, so I've got three categories, and only two of them are really relevant for matchmaking Take me, for example.
Modi:Here we go. If you were going to marry me, please. We only have an hour for this. I can't.
Periel:You're married. You're married. My husband will be so happy if she can pawn me off on somebody else.
Modi:Okay, stop.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Okay, so there's three categories. There's qualities, fears and bothers. Okay.
Modi:Quality, fear and bothers.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Qualities are your personality, your values, the type of life you want to lead. Okay, those are all in qualities. Fears are me, whoever you are, aliza. My relationship fears If you come from abuse, addiction, divorce, whatever. I have a fear of this going forward. Somebody cheated on me. I have a fear of this going forward. Somebody cheated on me. I have a fear of this going forward. Right, it either comes from seeing it in somebody else's life or having some sort of a trauma in my life that happened and therefore now I have this fear that somebody else will possibly mistreat me or mishandle our relationship okay okay, the third category is bothers, and that's like what irritates me and bothers me about you everybody fork with the food and the finger.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Yeah, yes yeah, but like is that really a deal breaker or is that like just annoying and you could live with it if everything else was amazing?
Periel:oh, it's okay you don't have to answer, that's fine totally okay.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:So the bothers were never, ever trying to figure out. You're going to figure that out once you go out. So all I have to know is is this a person that will trigger your fears? Because I, like, know you well and I know that you came from. Give me a situation. Who do you know? Somebody who came from something that they're like, they're anxious about what? Give me a.
Modi:Give me a made-up scenario well, maybe you have somebody that came to you that's already been divorced twice. They're scared, scared to death.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:They're scared to death of making the wrong decision and getting divorced again.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:That's the client, whoever that is. They own that, that's their stuff. But making sure that you're setting them up with somebody who is reliable, maybe on time, somebody who doesn't trigger that anxiety of this could happen again because somebody might leave me or not be there for me, okay. And then personalities have to have some sort of a match. They have to have some similarities or some banter, some opposites that interplay, some humor, things like that. And what kind of a life do they want to build? So somebody that wants to still have children and somebody who's like been there, done that, I'm done. We're not putting them together and you'd think that that's obvious and they're like no, but maybe once they meet you they'll change their mind.
Modi:Oh wow, yes, that's a big ding ding, ding, ding ding. No.
Periel:That's a red flag.
Modi:That's a big that's a red flag. Do you have?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:one that you more merch with a red flag.
Periel:Yeah, yeah.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You know, strike three, you're out. So I want to make sure these things are in alignment to a degree that I could see, yeah, either by talking to them or reading a profile, or knowing about them.
Modi:Okay.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:And that's a smart match.
Modi:So I will tell you something. Knowing about them, okay, and that's a smart. So I will tell you something. Right? So you know in one world that I know in the chabad labavich world. When they do the, the shot huns, when the matchmakers make the what is that?
Periel:what's a shot hun?
Modi:you can't. We're literally thinking of having a segment like how, what does she not know? It's gonna be a long segment ah, okay it's also a stapler in Hebrew oh my god, you know like it brings the things together.
Modi:I never know if she's like lying when she doesn't know something Anyway anyway. So hold on. So in their world, where they have shluchim, where they have emissaries, the people go out to be a Chabad house rabbi. So when they make the matches within Lubavitch, they ask the girl do you want to go with the guy who's going to be a rabbi in the end of the earth somewhere, or do you want a guy who's a businessman who's going to stay in Crown Heights?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:That's a big thing.
Modi:It's a big thing, huge. And then someone taught me this, which is an amazing thing, that the Rebbe said. So why, if she's this and that they go on a date, they go on their date to see if there's Mishichat HaLev.
Periel:If it's just in Hebrew I don't need your help. It's the pulling of the heart Right.
Modi:But I believe from my little bit of learning and my little bit of being married is you are not the same person you're going to be in 20 years or in 5 or 10 years. You have to see is this somebody you can grow with? It's because they're not going to be the same person you know. So is it somebody you can grow with and bring light into the world?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Yeah.
Modi:Together. I remember I did a show for singles. It was in Florida and it was. It was singles. It was so specific, it was singles that are 30 to 45. Yeah. So it was it was super specific.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Very marriage-minded age but also.
Modi:Obviously they've been through it. Yes, they've already been through it. They've been like, if they're at this situation, 30 looking to get married at this event and somebody asked me what's a great joke or what's a question, I should ask her what could I hit her with? And again back to the little Babat Shurabi when two people meet, what's the first thing you should discuss is how to help somebody else. So I think on a shidduch date with people, it's like how can we help the world? What charities are you into? I love to work with kids that have autism. I love to work with elderly people.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I think we're going to add matchmaker comedian. You got a whole long title here going.
Modi:You need, but no, but you need to see how can you help the world. Because if you're not, if you two as a couple aren't helping the world, bracha v'atzlacha is not going to come to you. Blessings and success won't come to you, and you have to be able to grow. Success won't come to you and you have to be able to grow. You see sometimes couples where the wife like finds a rabbi that she loves and she's going to his classes and the husband's like super not into it, not in religious circles so much, but like in not religious circles, when one of the people becomes a little more religious A little inspired, inspired and they start listening to her.
Modi:They want to keep a little more Shabbat and maybe not answer their phone. Can the husband grow with her or can the wife grow with him there?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:is a theory and this is I think it is actually somewhere in, whether it's the Gemara or the Talmud or something that if the woman is at a higher level or a more spiritually evolved level, that the match can work, but if the man is there and he's trying to schlep her along, that it does not work as well.
Modi:Really.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Yeah, that is more difficult. Traditionally in Judaism, the woman sets the tone for the home and she's building up the family. If she's not into it, the family is not going to be into it. Right? If she is into it, schlep along at his pace, maybe, as long as he's not very anti or opposed to it. The family is not going to be into it, right. If she is into it, I'll schlep along at his pace, maybe, as long as he's not very anti or opposed to it. You know it's okay. She like, does her thing and runs the. You know, runs it the way that she wants and he'll come when he can make it work.
Modi:Gotcha, yeah, gotcha that's the thing Wow yeah.
Periel:I did not follow any of it is a miracle I'm in the situation that I'm in, all of these rules.
Modi:No, are so foreign. Yes, there are rules and yes, there are cute little sayings. And then there is Hashem and Hashgach. Hapratis A who?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Divine intervention.
Modi:God said this one. God looked at you and goes oh no, no, no, no, I got to get involved here. She needs to meet Guy, and this is how it's going to happen.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You guys were friends, or how did it? Somebody just set you up? You want to know the truth, yeah.
Periel:I don't actually.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I don't know.
Periel:I don't know.
Modi:I'm going to lose clients now, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I'm going to lose clients. Now, I don't know, I don't know, what are you doing on Modi's podcast with?
Periel:Periel. I met him at my cousin's wedding in Israel and I was really and I'm going to say it nicely Please that I was really looking to just have sex with the hottest Israeli guy I could find and never see him again.
Modi:And you ended up marrying him, marrying him Nice, because Hashem, hashem no, well done, or because I'm really good in bed. Okay, now we're onto a different podcast.
Periel:Back to matchmaking.
Modi:Gav's not here, the rabbi's not here, so somebody has to shut him. Gav would have been three lines into this right now, but she's the man.
Periel:No, but it's interesting really to be more serious, because we lived in. I lived in New York, he lived in Israel. The last thing I was looking for was a relationship. Our cousins tried. My cousin tried to set us up and she said my cousin's coming to the wedding from New York and Guy said what am I going to do with a girl from New York? Like he had no interest and he didn't want to move to New York.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:No, and you schlepped him to New York.
Periel:I didn't schlep him anywhere. That's what my mother-in-law says.
Modi:Oh, that's not a guy out of the pocket, but I literally think, I believe, I believe, listen when you're dealing with matches. When you're dealing with match.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:yes, yes, All of matchmaking is divine intervention. I'm just an assistant. I'm God's assistant. I love that.
Modi:People are like how many matches did you make? I don't make the matches. She's a Klee, that's it.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:God makes the matches, and I'm just the schmoozer in between.
Periel:Right, I love that.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I'm the facilitator.
Modi:Facilitate beautiful.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Yeah, do you have a favorite couple or like something that just like, really it can give hope to people? Okay, I'll tell you a story. So I was working with a woman. I do matchmaking as a three-part process. Sorry, I got to take a step back. Okay, I have so many things you know what you remind me of?
Modi:Oh, my God, you remind me of like. In high school we had that biology teacher who taught us how to do like the outline.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:It's like this and then three rules, but it makes my brain work so that I can pull all the information together.
Modi:Okay, and we have to. We're going to skim over this very quickly and no one's going to get excited. Astrological signs Are you into that at all with matchmaking? There is. There is.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:There is. There is something to it, but, you like, we're above the stars. As jewish people, we believe that, uh, we're not bound by the stars, we're not bound. There is a mazel within the stars, but you can go beyond right, right, that it shows you what.
Modi:It just shows you that I can't right now with her, um, I literally can't. Um, uh, it's like if, if you have a tourist who's somebody who loves comfort, you know, and you have somebody else who is like a uh, a Gemini, who can't make a decision, and you putting them together Right, so like there's things you can do to help them, so you can tell the Gemini you can tell the Gemini if you want him to go to that restaurant, say the chairs. They are much comfortable.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:It's, it's, it's not as loud You're speaking their language.
Modi:But again in the words of the reason we have our signs is to know what we have to watch out for. I'm a tourist. I want to be comfortable. Hey, leo wants to go to a restaurant that's not so comfortable. Break out of your boundaries and go to that other. Speak to them in their language, but does that at all? I don't really use it. Okay, it's not. It's not, it's not.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:No, it's not anything that I like that was the will actually match cute I don't match based on I got you, got you and it's fine, and you can have hope for the horoscope and mazala.
Modi:Did we talk about this mazal thing? No, dina's father told me what mazal really means. My rabbi, rabbi israel yorkle, gross from uh kerosene. I mean mazal is makom, zman, lashon. Right, makom a place, zman time and lashon. You just have to be in the right place at the right time and say the right thing.
Periel:And there's your mazel, true, I just got chills, chills.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:So true, okay so you're on the last thing I'm sorry, okay, cut you off, and there's your mazel.
Modi:It is so true, I just got chills.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I love it, chills, chills. So true, okay, so so, so, so You're on the last thing.
Modi:I'm sorry I cut you off, okay.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:So there's a matchmaker has three jobs. Okay, a matchmaker needs to be a connector. That's like the matchmaker, matchmaker, matchmaker. Make me a match, put two people together. You need to be a coach. You need to talk them through the process, walk them through it. You think, yes, no, maybe, why don't bail yet, wait, hang on, okay. And you got to be a closer. Yeah, yay, we're getting married, or forget it. Moving on, this is it Get out? Okay, yeah, I love, believe it or not, the coaching and the closing. I love the head, the heart, the thinking, the talking, whatever. Sticking two people together Fine, Anybody can do it. The three-year-old could be like they can stick you together, but you making it work. To me that's the real work of the match and I love it.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:So I had a client years ago that I was working with and we did a lot of coaching, like a year's worth of like prepping, getting ready, and she's like a Lisa and we were trying to date also through the process, but we were really like working through a lot of stuff. She did a styling session. She, you know, got her, you know, physically, emotionally, spiritually, everything in line where she wanted to be, and she says to me great. What's next? She's a good student. You know homework. Give me my homework. I said you're done by me. I'm actually not sure why God's waiting on this. Like you passed every test. You did everything I asked. We are totally ready.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:First of all, you need to just go on cruise control, continue doing everything that you're doing, everything that we set up. Number one, number two everybody in the world needs to know that you're looking for somebody and you cannot pass up any, any potential opportunities. Just listen and think Do they know my soulmate? When they're talking, I don't care if they're talking about work. Just think she ends up at a Shabbos table and this rabbi flies in from across the country table. And this rabbi flies in from across the country and he's like I have this thing that I do. I'm telling you about two singles, one guy and one girl that I know. If you know anybody for them, let me know. And the guy that he speaks about, she goes. I want to meet him. So she tells him I think this could be a match. He's on the other side of the country, but I want you to make the match. That's where her match came from.
Modi:Wow See.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:And they're such a beautiful, beautiful couple. They worked so hard to build the relationship. It wasn't easy. It was long distance, it was a whole, like when we go back in the story. Why wasn't he ready? He had been going through some things and he wasn't actually dating. She was the first person that he dated when he came out of all that.
Modi:Wow.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Right. So, yes, it needs to be the right person and the right time and you have to say the right thing, but you have to advocate for yourself, and she did, and she was in a great place. And also, at a certain point, you're single and you're like what's wrong with me? Why does nobody want me?
Modi:Wrong question I never asked that when I was single there's nothing wrong with you.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You are who you are. You got going to fix something for the rest of your life. You're a human being, not an angel. You're not perfect, so it's really important that you just know you're a great human and that's fine and you're just. It's just not the right. If it's not the right time, then it doesn't matter what you do. It's not going to be the right person and just be healthy and be happy and keep things moving.
Modi:I didn't meet my soulmate until I was 45. And so, but I never in my life said there's something wrong with me, there's nothing. I just I was okay. And then I said, wow, this is somebody I would love to share things with.
Periel:But you knew immediately.
Modi:Yeah, immediately, which is Immediately.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:That's like an I person.
Modi:But there was no doubt in my head that this is oh wow, this, wow, this is different. I mean, that's insane.
Periel:I knew immediately also that there was something different. That I mean, you felt it.
Modi:Yeah, you felt I could annoy this guy for the rest of my life. I could really upset this guy.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I said you didn't know immediately.
Modi:You were just looking to have fun the first night, no, but I knew that there was something more that was there, and I think it's so important to have these little things, these little like little catchphrases.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Oh, people live by this. A cousin of mine wrote to me. He goes oh my gosh, this lady, she's 73 and he's 71. And I have the most amazing story. She went out on a first date and it was just like, eh. And she's thinking, eh, I'm not so into him, Like he's okay, but his looks.
Modi:I don't hate him.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Right. And then she goes date him till you hate him. I don't hate him, all right, I'll go out again. She goes. I got to call her. She's going out already Past five dates. They're so happy and I'm like, oh my gosh, right, the advice is for all ages.
Modi:Can I tell you an amazing story? Yeah, first of, leo and I have our. This is it? Hydrate, moisturize, be nice to each other. Schoen, gedavant, that's all you need. Hydrate, moisturize, which is almost the same thing you have to. Just if you're not hydrated, you're not going to be okay. And moisturize, keep it together and just be nice. Just be nice, just be nice. It's all you really need. That works for us.
Modi:I did a show for Tikva, which is an organization in London, which was we're going to talk about in the next episode, and there was a woman and Karen came, karen who's on our podcast, karen Bishko Bishko came. She's older, you know, late 30s I think, and she is dating. And there was a woman that sat next to her. Her husband passed away over a year ago. They were married 60 years and she's found someone that she's going on a cruise with and I was like, wow, and it just gave Karen so much hope and it was such a sweet little moment and there's hope. Let's wrap this up. I cannot thank you for coming on the podcast enough. We are such fans of yours and we wish you nothing but success with your show and to all of the couples that you work with. They should all have Mashiach Energy relationships and create Mashiach Energy, otherwise your relationship's not worth anything. And what can how do we plug? What are you? What's Netflix period period Netflix? She's on Netflix.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:You can go on any social at Elisa Ben Shalom and find me, and you can go to my website. You can either use my name or my really long, not memorable business name marriagemindedmentorcom.
Modi:I actually like that, because.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:I'm marriage minded and you're marriage minded and I can mentor you and I can get you to the chuppah. That's why.
Modi:Do you have a book coming out?
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Oh my gosh, I have a book coming out. There's no way you can't All the things you, I have a book coming out. It's like literally.
Modi:By the way. I have the proposal right here. It's coming out December 3rd, it's called Matchmaker.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Matchmaker, find me a love that lasts, and I think that's what people want. It's not find me a love, it's not find me a date, it is find me a love that lasts. I want a lifetime of a human that I want to be with.
Modi:Oh yeah.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Right, like it just hits the heart and it goes through it's got date until you hate him and my, I hate them and my Aliza is a fan and advice and it's told through stories and it is, it's phenomenal. It happens to be really, really good. I had support in pulling the whole thing together and making sure that this is going to hit a home run.
Modi:Amen, amen. So that's it. That's how you can reach her and Perrielle.
Periel:At Perrielle Ashton Brown on Instagram.
Modi:That's it. And ModiLivecom for all the shows. There are so many things happening. We are in everywhere. The Beacon there's still tickets. The Palladium the Palladium there's a few tickets left. In London I'm not in order we have Atlantic City Nashville. We have Montreal. We have the City, nashville, we have Montreal. We have the Summer Series tour. We have Australia Australia Modi in Australia. And then we have Pause for Laughter tour. Make sure you take time to laugh with what's happening in the world. Everything's on modilivecom and, of course, be the friend that brings the friends to the comedy show that creates Mashiach energy. Thank you all for listening. Thank you uh Whites in Luxembourg and thank you A&H Provisions for uh collaborating with us. And thank you.
Aleeza Ben Shalom:Thank you. Thank you for having me.