Peas & Carrots Podcast
Season 3, Episode 15: Goodbye, Grandest of Dames
Let's fix a cup of tea as we share some memories and reflections about Kayla's Grandma.
0:00:00 - Announcer
We go together like Peas and Carrots. The Peas and Carrots Podcast, sharing life from our piece of the vegetable patch, Brian and Kayla Sanders.
0:00:11 - Brian
Welcome to the Peas and Carrots Podcast. Hello, I'm Brian, I'm Kayla and good to have you along. It's been a while it has, and y'all you just need to know that the studio in which this is recorded is a mess is also the studio from which I do fundraising for the ministry here, and so Miss Sanders just came in about five minutes ago and you've been reorganizing.
0:00:37 - Kayla
Cleaning up is what I would call it. Well, I didn't leave trash, no, but there's stuff everywhere, good stuff, anyway. Where have we been?
0:00:48 - Brian
Nowhere. We have been right here fundraising for the ministry.
0:00:54 - Kayla
So our ministry is a nonprofit and we actually have to raise our own funds, and we do that twice a year. So we apologize. We were very ambitious, thinking that we would get to keep recording. We have not had time to do that, so yeah lots of very full days, but our ministry is funded for several months 102% I believe, yes, so.
0:01:22 - Brian
Congratulations, Ms. Sanders. It's awesome.
0:01:24 - Kayla
We have some amazing team members and, yeah, as we record this, what is happening in town this week? B?
0:01:32 - Brian
Virginia Tech's graduation.
0:01:34 - Kayla
It's like ants on a molehill out there.
0:01:36 - Brian
And let me just say this 20 minutes ago we were at a little place downtown here that sells ice cream and we walked down there and it's like 20 000 people it's pretty busy.
0:01:48 - Kayla
They need to leave. I want my town back well, our town is about to get much quieter because all these people are leaving.
0:01:54 - Brian
All the students will leave yeah you'll be able to get through target in 10 minutes instead of 55. We will not that I'm grumpy little bit. There you go. We are excited for summer.
0:02:08 - Kayla
Why.
0:02:09 - Brian
One month from today, I believe we'll be, at Disney? We will. We are Going on vacation.
0:02:17 - Kayla
We have some vacations planned. We've had some opportunities presented to us to serve within our church and we're excited about that opportunities presented to us to serve within our church and we're excited about that.
0:02:26 - Brian
I'll be teaching the gospel I mean the gospel, the life of Joseph and you'll be leading a women's study.
0:02:32 - Kayla
I'll be helping with. There's several of us that are going to facilitate that. I'm excited about that and scared all at the same time, but I'm looking forward to time in the garden. Finally, there's snakes there. Time on our back deck.
0:02:45 - Brian
Spiders.
0:02:47 - Kayla
We'll whack them with a shovel or something I don't know.
0:02:50 - Brian
You said you was excited to be in the garden.
0:02:53 - Kayla
You're looking forward to getting outside. I am.
0:02:58 - Brian
Our back deck is one of our favorite places and I really struggle with allergies, but it seems as if my allergist has me on a good cocktail, shall we say, of medications, when I can get them.
0:03:14 - Kayla
At the end of April we lost a giant and we're going to talk about that in a few minutes. My grandma passed away, so we will come back to that in just a few minutes, but we do have some reflections we would like to share.
0:03:30 - Brian
It's going to be fun, so stick around Boundaries. It's a favorite topic of yours. You read books about it and you talk about it every now and then.
0:03:43 - Kayla
They're very important to me, books about it and you talk about it every now and then. They're very important to me. You and I have been talking about this some lately because there are a lot of hot takes on boundaries and a lot of myths, so we thought that we would take just a minute. You've read some of these books as well, so I want to give full credit that some of our resource here is coming from a book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and she is much more experienced in all this, but we have both been able to take some knowledge from what she has written about. But there's this kind of mentality that when you say the word boundaries, some people, people, just they start to twitch because it's like, oh, nobody should do that. So we're going to dive in and just spend a very short amount of time because again today we really want to share with you about my grandma. But what would you say is the first myth?
0:04:42 - Brian
That good Christians don't need boundaries, because we're called to love everyone. And we are called to love everyone and you are called to forgive, but it doesn't mean you have to do life with that person. You can forgive them, you can set a boundary, but you don't have to do life with them because you don't have to keep taking that.
0:05:00 - Kayla
Well, one of the things that you and I have learned. Thank you, therapy. Some people are not safe, and this can range from for various people. If this speaks to you, it's because you're feeling that someone is not safe physically or mentally or emotionally for you, and there is a verse Romans 12, 18 comes to mind If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
0:05:28 - Brian
Yeah, as far as it depends on you. Yeah, if you've gone as far as you can go, if you've done all you can do and that person still is abusive or manipulative over and over again. Now, this is separate from forgiveness. You can forgive, but you don't have to keep going back and taking that abuse. Yeah, so that's a different thing.
0:05:49 - Kayla
And here's one truth that resonates for me we live in a broken world, and sometimes living in a broken world that has no boundaries.
0:06:00 - Brian
Broken people continue to break others, and that's not a good place so you know, some people are going to say to us that actually boundaries say that like I don't care yeah, that's our second myth and actually it's saying you know, first of all I care about myself yeah but I can't right now. What's that mean?
0:06:21 - Kayla
I can't right it means maybe, that someone has so much on their plate already. I can't take that on right now, or I can't be available right now, or I can't make time for that right now, or I want to help you, but I don't feel I'm qualified to give the help you need. Sometimes people genuinely need to go talk to a therapist. A professional.
0:06:44 - Brian
Sometimes people genuinely need to go talk to a therapist.
0:06:46 - Kayla
Yeah to a professional. We aren't all necessarily meant to fix everyone else's problems.
0:06:51 - Brian
And it's okay to say I'd prefer not to talk about that. Yeah, you don't have to be an open book to everybody.
0:06:59 - Kayla
Think about Thanksgiving dinner, some of the questions that the family member you haven't seen for 364 days. I're on turkey. I know, I realize that there are certain things that you may want to be able to look at them and say I'd prefer not to talk about that. If it's your personal life or it's your decisions you're making, what's something else that comes to mind?
0:07:21 - Brian
I'm not seeking advice. I just need to decompress, and that's something that you say to me on a weekly basis.
0:07:27 - Kayla
I say it a little different than that, though. What is it? I usually say to you B I'm not looking for you to fix this. I just want you to listen, but I'm built to fix, but you've gotten so good at it you really have.
0:07:40 - Brian
As long as.
0:07:41 - Kayla
I give the disclaimer. Don't try to fix this.
0:07:44 - Brian
Okay, all right, I'm a good fixer. There's another one.
0:07:49 - Kayla
I'm sorry, but we disagree over this. However, my love for you has not changed. So there are people that they don't like the boundary of disagreeing, that they feel like if you're really a good, a friend or spouse or I don't know what a family member, you're going to always agree that's not true, and it's not true you can have different opinions and yeah and still get along.
0:08:17 - Brian
Uh, my no is to protect both of us no is a complete sentence I guess for me I say no. There are certain people like you and maybe two other people that I should explain that to if it's a personal nature but others. No, I don't owe you an explanation about certain things in my life or certain things that I've been through.
0:08:44 - Kayla
Yeah.
0:08:45 - Brian
And I think that that's a very good boundary. What's the third myth, Ms Kayla?
0:08:51 - Kayla
Boundaries are just a justification for holding people at arm's length.
0:08:55 - Brian
That's.
0:08:57 - Kayla
But they can actually include things like what Well, not sharing confidences. Yeah, you don't have to be an open book to everybody. No, you're not meant to be. You don't have to be an open book to everybody. No, you're not meant to be.
0:09:08 - Brian
You don't have to demand people's time, yeah.
0:09:12 - Kayla
Sometimes you have to refuse space to others. You literally have to say I cannot do this relationship or I cannot spend this time with you.
0:09:24 - Brian
Here's something I'm guilty of is telling people how to feel. So, because I like everything to be at peace, I like everybody to be happy, I like everything to be like a calm sea, and it's not because, if it's not, it affects me in a negative manner and that's selfish and that's that's just. That's just my broken, but I don't have the right to tell people well, this is how you should feel about that. That's the Lord's job to do that.
0:09:55 - Kayla
And another one, finally, is for this myth is not respecting their boundaries. There's got to be give and take. If I'm asking someone to accept that I'd prefer not to talk about certain things, or I'd prefer to be able to feel how I want to feel, or I want to be okay with us disagreeing, or I can't, right now, I've got to give other people the same freedom. And then finally, our fourth, and this one's a quick hit Only people in dysfunctional relationships need boundaries.
0:10:28 - Brian
No, that's not true, and let me say this Everybody practices boundaries. Yes, you need to know that, whether you think you do or not. Whether you, think you do or not. Yeah, because with your best friend you're going to share the bulk of your thoughts and your feelings, or whatever, somebody who you just met. Hopefully, not, hopefully not.
0:10:47 - Kayla
You see, that's a little awkward.
0:10:49 - Brian
Yeah.
0:10:53 - Kayla
So boundaries actually create healthy relationships. That's the whole point of this is if you are willing to accept that boundaries exist and they have value, to accept that boundaries exist and they have value. The last thing we will say if someone is telling you that boundaries make you an evil person, that's a red flag, because it definitely means that they don't handle boundaries well.
0:11:17 - Brian
Yeah, so be cautious and be wise and remember boundaries are good things whenever they're practiced within a biblical context. Your grandma.
0:11:31 - Kayla
Yeah, so a couple of weeks ago I got word that my grandmother had passed away. Now let me start by saying this she was 94 years old.
She lived in Hadley she lived in Hadley, Suffolk in England. She had a full and wonderful life. A half of her family lives in America. The other half lives in England. She spent a lot of time coming back and forth across the ocean to visit with all of us. She stood at four feet 11 and a half an inch. We were talking about Four foot 11 and a half an inch. Sorry four foot 11 inches and half an inch. Do not forget her half an inch.
0:12:08 - Brian
We were talking about this last night and I said why you got to say half an inch and how would she respond if you didn't include the half an inch? Oh, she was ticked yeah. Was she really oh?
0:12:17 - Kayla
that half an inch was important because she was nearly five feet tall. So that half an inch was important because she was nearly five feet tall. So she was little, but to us as a family she was a giant.
0:12:27 - Brian
Made out of metal. Made out of steel.
0:12:30 - Kayla
For me, she was a safe place when I was growing up. She was the glue that held our family together. I remember her roses chocolate candy tin, which she gifted to me later in life and I still have it. She would watch the original Poseidon Adventure movie with me over and over.
0:12:52 - Brian
How many times do you think you've seen that?
0:12:53 - Kayla
Well, let's just say that the last time she visited our house and I asked her if she'd watch it, her response was oh, bloody hell. Okay, and she sat through it, but it kind of let me know that she'd had enough.
0:13:07 - Brian
Okay, so Grandma, she was married to Norman, her husband 50 years at least, 50, 51.
0:13:16 - Kayla
Right at 50 years. He passed away after that so they were very spicy with each other. I mean he loved to wind her up, so she would go to the pub almost every night. She would walk down to the pub.
0:13:30 - Brian
Y'all are getting the real y'all getting the underbelly this week.
0:13:33 - Kayla
One summer I had gone to spend three months with my grandmother, and I'd gone to the pub with her most every night. But this night I was tired and so I opted to stay home and just spend some time, you know, chilling on the couch. Well, that front door clicked shut, and no sooner had she left than my granddad comes out of his room. Context my grandfather had a stroke when I was very young, so I hear these feet shuffling down the hall. He comes and sits down on the couch next to me.
0:14:05 - Brian
Michaela.
0:14:06 - Kayla
Michaela, you want to watch TV. So we watch television together. Five minutes before it's time for her to come home from the pub, he doesn't say goodnight, goodbye, sayonara. He gets up off the couch, shuffles back down the hall, click and shuts his bedroom door and my grandmother walks in five minutes later and I am dying laughing on the inside.
0:14:30 - Brian
Now she went to the pub every night.
0:14:32 - Kayla
At that time yes, she would go to the pub Three hours a night. About three hours a night. If you visited her, that's fine, but you were going to visit her at the pub at that time of night.
0:14:42 - Brian
She wasn't giving that up. That was her that was her thing, that was her people, that was her community. They'd play trivia.
0:14:47 - Kayla
She had an amazing community there, to the degree that there will be a wake at the pub in my grandmother's honor, I think that's fantastic, but we've had some fun with her through the years B. What happened at our wedding.
0:15:02 - Brian
Hang on. Before we do that, we went to England for your grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. We did. We walked in the house, uh-huh, and I love your grandmother Can you describe the kitchen to our listeners Well.
0:15:20 - Kayla
It was chaotic, but she had done her bit for years. I mean, in her defense she used to be. There's a British phrase she had done her bit.
0:15:29 - Brian
Yeah.
0:15:30 - Kayla
Towards the end, she just it didn't matter so, but that was. Yeah, I want to be careful what I share and what I don't. But yeah, she just she wasn't much for housecleaning. Towards the end, okay, but at our wedding, something happened that caught you totally off guard.
0:15:51 - Brian
We were leaving to go on the honeymoon. We were outside.
0:15:54 - Kayla
We were saying goodbye to everybody.
0:15:57 - Brian
And they were supposed to throw bird seed at us as we walked down this thing.
0:16:01 - Kayla
Well, somebody had given my grandmother a bucket, yeah, and she were supposed to throw bird seed at us as we walked down this thing.
0:16:03 - Brian
Well, somebody had given my grandmother a bucket, yeah, and she comes up to me, pulls the back of my pants out and pours bird seed down my bucket down my hind end. That was an uncomfortable ride to the hotel.
0:16:18 - Kayla
Let me just say Three hours yes.
0:16:20 - Brian
Birds were attacking the truck. And I'm kidding, oh, they were not. But she just say Three hours yes, birds were attacking the truck, and I'm kidding, oh, they were not. But she just found that hysterical, also at the wedding.
0:16:28 - Kayla
If you watch the wedding video you might see her put her teeth in.
0:16:33 - Brian
She goes down the aisle to her seat With her big green purse. What was in that purse?
0:16:40 - Kayla
Everything. No, what was in it?
0:16:41 - Brian
Oh, everything. No, what was in it?
0:16:42 - Kayla
Oh, her life insurance papers, her will, her certificates, her bank books. Okay, and that purse went everywhere.
0:16:49 - Brian
When you say everywhere Bathroom. She didn't yes sir. She took if she was in the living room.
0:16:57 - Kayla
If she was at our house and she went to the bathroom, she took a purse with her.
0:17:00 - Brian
What about in her own house?
0:17:01 - Kayla
I don't think so, but she was at home.
0:17:05 - Brian
I love her and your grandma's name.
0:17:08 - Kayla
Mary.
0:17:09 - Brian
Mary Slade.
0:17:11 - Kayla
She was the OG for practicing boundaries. You did not discuss government politics, religion or money in front of her.
0:17:21 - Brian
Or sex.
0:17:22 - Kayla
With family in two countries. She knew or money in front of her or sex With family in two countries. She knew how to minimize squabbles and that's how she did it. She was brilliant. So back in the day, before boundaries even had like a label, she made clear that we were, and I mean, you did not want to incur her wrath so you did not. But I will say this. I watched her sit with you for about two and a half hours One day. You were curious about British government and she knew you weren't taking fun at her. So she sat there and answered every question that you had about British government, and the rest of us were just in awe of the fact that you were getting away with this. So we're going to we're going to say this delicately she had an issue Grandma had a flatulence issue.
She did. That's a very nice way to put it.
0:18:12 - Brian
But she never took responsibility for it. It was always something Okay. So we're going to meet her for the first time. I think she was actually coming over here and you pull me aside and you say, baby, I need to tell you something?
0:18:26 - Kayla
What was the first time you were meeting her?
0:18:28 - Brian
I said baby, I need to be with you for something, that's okay. You said my grandma farts a lot. I said wait a minute. Run that by me one more time.
0:18:41 - Kayla
But she's the most pristine woman you could ever have wanted to meet.
0:18:45 - Brian
But that was her thing if she was sitting, but she never took responsibility for it, for example like a sailor. So if she passed it would, it'd be bloody cough syrup, bloody coke, oh, bloody liver and onions, I mean. And here's the thing, she knew what's going to happen because she'd actually raise up, like she would literally raise up to push it out. This happened and I am in, I am in awe. We're delicately in the oversharing place of life there's this little four foot eleven and a half lady blowing, I mean, but never took, I mean she never said it was her fault. No, it was always something else that attributed to it Bloody medicine.
0:19:33 - Kayla
It's just something and the rest of us are just trying to keep a straight face. Oh it's hysterical.
0:19:39 - Brian
Now we told y'all that she went to the pub every night the day of the wedding or the day before the wedding.
0:19:48 - Kayla
The morning of the wedding, my grandmother wanted to host a brunch for my bridesmaids and my wedding party. Well, the place that we could figure out that could do this for us at that time of day was Applebee's. So we end up at Applebee's. I'm wiping away tears, and she offered everyone at the table a beer and Kayla and all of her bridesmaids come from this little conservative. Baptist college. Yeah, but that was her and she, oh girls.
0:20:21 - Brian
would y'all like a brew?
0:20:24 - Kayla
She was the most responsible and yet generous woman when it came to her money. She saved relentlessly, but she gave so big heartedly. I have to say this on a serious note. I embraced her love of family gardening. I remember many times she and I would be out weeding her garden, taking care of her flowers. We loved puzzles. We loved dogs. She always called sprocket pooch how's the pooch? I inherited her practicality with money and resources. I don't like to waste anything, and I get that from her. I have watched my grandmother sit and knit her own sweater set, wear it for several months, then unravel it and re-knit in another pattern. She was that generation that you just did not waste things. You used them until they were no longer usable, and so I had a front row seat to that. She did not have much for lavish.
0:21:32 - Brian
Well, let's be honest, though, but yet you don't knit Right.
0:21:35 - Kayla
We'll get to that, okay, yeah, that's just no. So she tried.
0:21:39 - Brian
There's another favorite story of mine yeah, you and your mom took your grandma out to a Chinese restaurant. It's one of these buffets. Yeah, like you had all this Chinese food, Chinese food, and there's one long thing of desserts. Tell everybody.
0:21:52 - Kayla
She had so much dessert we could not see her head. She had her plate, she was walking back to the table.
0:22:01 - Brian
Hang on, is this her? It's stacked that high but she had not gone to any, that was her dinner. So she didn't eat any egg, fuyon or General Tso's chicken.
0:22:08 - Kayla
She went straight to the desserts. She was my hero, I mean a plate as tall as her head. We could not see her face behind her dessert.
0:22:16 - Brian
Did y'all laugh.
0:22:20 - Kayla
Died laughing. What could not see her face behind her dessert? Did y'all laugh? Did you died laughing? What'd she say shut up. So yeah, so we were at a wedding, my brother was getting married and you were supposed to be unbeknownst to you. You were supposed to be babysitting grandma the wedding's outside.
0:22:33 - Brian
It's in Arizona, 110 degrees, I kid you not and so stayed in the it's attached to this resort. So I stayed inside the resort until wedding's supposed to be at 10 o'clock. At 9:59, I walk out because I know I'm going to be sweating like a dog. Well, I did not know, grandma had been looking for me and there's two or 300 people already seated facing the front. Grandma is facing the front as well, but she's been looking for me. Well, I walk out and in front of and she sees me.
0:23:04 - Kayla
She stands up.
0:23:05 - Brian
In front of all these people. Brian, where the bloody hell have you been? I'm dying up here. Well, they had hauled in this fan A stadium fan it's some kind of huge fan and turn this on. I I mean, there's 300 people, there's 300 sets of eyes watching this. I turn on the fan and it had one speed and it was it just, oh, that blew her hair back. Her hair is now blown back. So she said it's too much, it's too much, so I got to turn it off. Oh, and then the wedding started.
We couldn't get her hair fixed for the pictures no afterwards you couldn't get her hair fixed One of my favorite, favorite memories of her. I have one more memory I want to share. I've never seen this.
0:24:00 - Kayla
Okay.
0:24:01 - Brian
But I love this image.
0:24:03 - Kayla
Grandma used to smoke Mm-hmm and she would fly to New Orleans Now, hang on, I need to set the stage, okay.
0:24:11 - Brian
And there was this half a wall. As you come off the jetway, there was half a wall and this is when you could actually go back to the gate. Yeah, people back then and y'all said you couldn't see her, we couldn't see, but we could see the trail of smoke. Trail of smoke y'all like there's grandma, there she comes, yeah, and she turned the corner have her cigarette.
0:24:32 - Kayla
Yep, oh yeah, they say I have her hands and I find myself staring them a lot and sadly. But this is where it gets funny. These hands did not figure out knitting and sewing. I tried, Grandma, I really did. She was very patient, she tried to teach me to knit, but it just wasn't working.
You did cross-stitch for a while I did cross stitch but knitting and sewing. That gene did not pass to me. So I'm proud to have her hands, but sadly my clothes come from the store. And she even gave up and handed me an envelope full of money and said oh, go shopping. So yeah, we tried. The most important thing to me was that she loved you.
0:25:21 - Brian
Oh, I loved her.
0:25:23 - Kayla
And that meant a lot to me. I needed my grandmother's approval, oh, and it came quick and easy and watching you with both my grandfather and her. She absolutely delighted in you, so we will miss her. But, as you can tell, we could go on for hours. We have a lot of stories.
0:25:44 - Brian
We have time for one more. Can I tell one more story?
0:25:47 - Kayla
Maybe. Okay, I'm already in so much trouble about some of what you've shared.
0:25:51 - Brian
This is before I knew you. They came to America to visit and your grandfather got the shingles, oh my goodness, and he was in the back bedroom.
0:25:59 - Kayla
But and your grandfather got the shingles, oh my goodness, and he was in the back bedroom, but we did not know.
0:26:01 - Brian
he had shingles, so and it's August and he's in Louisiana and he's wearing thermal underwear. Ok, so he's in the back bedroom suffering. She didn't know this. Well, they'd be sitting there, so let us role play this, because she was tired of dealing with.
0:26:19 - Kayla
Well, he, legit, was just sitting around. It was to the point where he was just sitting around in his shorts and his like tank top, but they were thermal and it's August in Louisiana, so everybody just assumed the poor man had a heat rash.
So he's sitting under the fan Picture that he's in the living room just sitting in nothing but his skivvies under the fan and he's not healing. The. The air quotes rash is not going away. So we finally take him to the doctor. The doctor says this poor man does not have heat rash, he's got shingles and so he's miserable. He wants to go home.
0:26:56 - Brian
So he's in the bed fast forward to.
0:26:58 - Kayla
He's pouting and he's laying in the bed.
0:27:00 - Brian
So here we go, my grandma's in the living room.
0:27:03 - Kayla
Mary, what Mary, oh, what the bloody hell do you want Norman.
0:27:09 - Brian
This went on for how long? Like 10 minutes, and it finally got to where it was Mary and she'd respond with Norman. They just went back and forth Like a tennis match. Miss Kayla, you'd make her proud and she was very, very proud of you and you know that, and she loved you dearly.
0:27:27 - Kayla
And one day we will get to spend the rest of our life with her.
0:27:32 - Brian
So yeah, so y'all, before we all start crying here, we'd like to give you a peas and carrots coffee mug, as well as some, as Miss Kayla calls them, cute little stickers. Yes, you have to answer a trivia question to get that, and to do that, you go to our website.
0:27:48 - Kayla
Peasandcarrotspodcast.com. And when you go to the website, look for the trivia button. If you will click that button, again that's peasandcarrotspodcast.com. Again, that's peasandcarrotspodcast.com.
0:27:58 - Brian
The question is who in your life has had a positive impact to who you are today? Yeah, who in your life has so influenced you that you're a better person because of it?
0:28:10 - Kayla
And we'd love to know why. Yeah, so yeah, go to our website. Click the trivia button.
0:28:19 - Brian
You can search the Peas and Carrots Podcast wherever you get your podcasts, or visit our website peasandcarrotspodcast.com, and when you do, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast.
0:28:26 - Kayla
You can also follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Just search for the Peas and Carrots Podcast. Mary! Norman!
0:28:33 - Announcer
For more about the Peas and Carrots Podcast and to reach out to Brian and Kayla, visit peasandcarrotspodcast.com. Growing through the challenges we face and finding hope along the way. That's the Jesus Fix It Podcast with Jess. Check out jesusfixit.com or search Jesus Fix It wherever you listen to podcasts.