Season 3, Episode 17: It's A Trap

Join our conversation about healthy ways to process comparison when it rears its head in daily life.

Transcript

0:00:00 - Announcer

We go together like Peas and Carrots. The Peas and Carrots Podcast, sharing life from our piece of the vegetable patch, Brian and Kayla Sanders. 

0:00:11 - Kayla

Welcome to the peas and carrots podcast. I'm Brian and. 

0:00:14 - Brian

I'm Kayla. Welcome to our piece of the vegetable patch. Mm-hmm, we haven't had any insecticide put on a shift this season. 

0:00:23 - Kayla

Gee boy I'm running a little bit late this morning, y'all I just put on my headphones. 

0:00:30 - Brian

I've been at the dealership dealing with taking care of my car. 

0:00:35 - Kayla

I appreciate that. So the semester has officially ended. We had our last home group yesterday evening. We transitioned to our summer schedule at work today. 

0:00:46 - Brian

We had barbecue last night and a little veggie salad, which was wonderful. 

0:00:51 - Kayla

Yeah. 

0:00:52 - Brian

Mozzarella and tomatoes and cucumbers. It was wonderful. 

0:00:55 - Kayla

Lots of laughs and fun times. 

0:00:57 - Brian

It was good times, little baby. 

0:00:59 - Kayla

Joanna was there. 

0:01:03 - Brian

Who makes everybody happy? 

0:01:05 - Kayla

Yes, she does, and I was nice last night I let I let other people snuggle her. 

0:01:10 - Brian

Did you get to snuggle? 

0:01:11 - Kayla

No, but that's OK. 

0:01:14 - Brian

OK, I can deal. 

0:01:16 - Kayla

I will next time. 

0:01:17 - Brian

OK. 

0:01:19 - Kayla

We've lived here 20 years. 

0:01:20 - Brian

What is something new that? 

0:01:21 - Kayla

we did this week be for the first. I mean, it's not a new restaurant, but where did we go this week? 

0:01:29 - Brian

A restaurant, yes, called Cabo Fish Taco, and I am in love with this place. 

0:01:36 - Kayla

Now confess what's been your thoughts about it for 20 years, until. 

0:01:41 - Brian

Who would eat a fish taco? You loved it. Oh, they did this thing called a Baja Bowl. It had grilled shrimp, rice, black beans and some veggies. 

0:01:53 - Kayla

But the ambiance of the restaurant reminded us of where. 

0:01:57 - Brian

New. 

0:01:57 - Kayla

Orleans yeah. 

0:01:58 - Brian

It was great. 

0:01:59 - Kayla

So we'll be going back. 

0:02:01 - Brian

It even smelled like New Orleans a little bit it did yeah. Not that that's an endearing smell, but it smelled like New Orleans a little bit, so I enjoyed it was great we got to visit with some of our dearest friends, yep, so mine and mike's reason for existence is to put you and Wanda together. That's the reason why we my bestie, so yeah, we went to a. We went to Harrisonburg. There's a great pizza place there in downtown. I can't remember the name Bella Luna. Bella Luna, yeah. 

0:02:30 - Kayla

If you are ever there, it's what do they call it? Wood-fired pizza. It's wonderful. 

0:02:37 - Brian

And I can get one that's allergen-free and it's great. 

0:02:40 - Kayla

But we had a great day with them and got to catch up after fundraising season, so yeah, I think we were the loudest people in Barnes and Noble, I think we were, but that's okay. We sat in the cafe. Sorry, not sorry. So yeah, it was fun. 

0:02:53 - Brian

So we were at a restaurant last weekend. 

0:02:57 - Kayla

Not Cabo, and we won't say where. 

0:03:00 - Brian

Okay, and we'd finished our meal. Waitress comes up to bring us the ticket. She slicked at both of us and said do y'all have an AARP discount? 

0:03:29 - Kayla

And your reaction. You didn't say anything to her, but your eyes got as big as saucers and your jaw hit the table a little bit. She could not see my face, but yes, I'm still recovering. But yeah, I mean you don't look a day over 29, but it's oh come on, but it's my beard, it's my goatee, that and my gray hair and yeah, but anyway, beautiful, I'm healing from that. It's my goatee and my gray hair. Yeah, but anyway, beautiful, I'm healing from that. 

0:03:49 - Brian

But I got to be honest. It's the first time ever we've been asked. 

0:03:54 - Kayla

And I hope it's the last time ever. It's the first time we've ever been asked. 

0:03:58 - Brian

Do y'all have an AARP discount? I have to say so. Here's where we are. 

0:04:05 - Kayla

So I was visiting with a friend the other day and she made a comment about the stage of life that she's in and how hard it is not to compare herself to others in the same stage and feeling like maybe she's not getting it right or she's coming up short, and it led me to think about an ongoing topic that we all have with ourselves, which is the trap of comparison. 

0:04:35 - Brian

I do this all. 

0:04:36 - Kayla

We all do it, and so here's a few gentle reminders for all of us, our first one being this their journey is not your journey. At our gym, each of us has our own fitness plan and it's catered to what our goals are and what our needs are and, honestly, what my capabilities are. But it's easy for me to fall prey to feeling inferior to others in that gym who are doing things that would probably break bones in my body. But I have to remind myself you have goals. You have a plan crafted by your trainer, which is what's safe for you, it's what's good for you, and just chase hard after that. Don't get distracted by what other people are able to accomplish or not accomplish. 

0:05:26 - Brian

When we joined the gym, I started following our gym on Instagram. It's called Trouble Wellness, and as soon as I started following them, Instagram starts recommending training videos, and there's these people on there who have six-pack abs. Well, I don't even have a one pack ab I mean, I haven't seen my ab since probably month three of my birth. 

Okay, so it just I'm being serious, so I can't even feel them. But here's the thing, like those videos, like whenever they come up, first some of them made me uncomfortable, so I'm like you know, I don't want to see this. So they're little x. And then, over time, I'm like I have to check myself because I can't compare myself to this you're not meant to. 

0:06:16 - Kayla

Yeah, you know, but it is. I mean we all do it follow. 

0:06:19 - Brian

You know I need to watch videos of people my age, my size trying to work out and die. That that's what I need. 

0:06:25 - Kayla

Just today I was rowing and a guy came and sat down next to me and was rowing and I realized do not try to keep his pace. He's like six foot five and he's a dude. 

0:06:39 - Brian

So I had to tell myself your pace is what you're meant to do, so yeah, Also, early in our marriage, we made a big decision and a series of decisions, and one of those is this we're not going to keep up with others. Nope, we're going to do life our way, yep, on our pace, yep, and just do things like that. Because I would love to collect antique books. I would love to do that, but in the back of my mind there's a voice that says stuff is fleeting. Now there are some antique books that, like, people have given me that I keep. Well, sure, but stuff is fleeting and I'm not going to pour money, a lot of money, into stuff. That is like fleeting. 

0:07:27 - Kayla

We like making memories. 

0:07:29 - Brian

So there's. I think this is a quote from Dave Ramsey. He says live today like no one else. So you can one day live like no one else. 

0:07:39 - Kayla

Yeah. And I think now we would like to retire one day. We love our ministry, we love what we do, but we don't want to work full time until the day we drop, God willing. Our goals are to have enough to just live comfortably when that time comes, not to spend every dime that comes in every month. Another goal of ours was to make sure that we capture experiences, not things. Now, don't get me wrong. We have nice things in our home. We're not, you know, living with one set of clothes, and you know one book. 

But at the same time we don't feel the need to. Oh well, this person went here on vacation, so now we have to. Yeah, that doesn't or they have this kind of house, so now we have to have one. 

Or oh, they're driving this kind of car. So now we have to. We have never. I mean, it's just not who we are, and I'm good with that. I'm very comfortable with what B and K want out of life, and it's worthy to sit down with your partner and say what are our goals, what are our dreams, and then let that drive you, not the latest version of whatever. But Ask yourself what season are we in? I'm just going to be really honest. 

0:08:59 - Brian

Well, spring has just sprung by us, because right now it's hot. 

0:09:03 - Kayla

We went straight to summer but, I'm referring to a different kind of season. Okay, so right now our home is less than spotless. Our home is great we're going to talk about that in a little while. Our garden's kind of disheveled I plan to work on that this weekend, and we have literally not had a meal plan for eight weeks. No joke, give yourself grace for whatever outside factors you are navigating that have you in the season of life that you're in. Maybe your home isn't meant to be your priority party. We were working literally 60-hour weeks for six weeks and it was everything we could do to go from start to finish, go home literally wash, rinse, repeat ourselves and the day and today we're feeling I'm just I mean yeah, we're, we're pretty tired but, but in that six the house is still standing. 

And it looks great the garden will get done at some point. 

0:10:02 - Brian

It's all going to be fine. 

0:10:03 - Kayla

But don't look around at other people's day to day and feel like you've got to keep up with that. 

0:10:11 - Brian

Well, I'm going to say to this is there are times when you just simply have to focus on the task at hand, yeah, and everything else kind of falls to the side, and then, when you complete that task, everything else can come back into view. So I think that's a healthy perspective. 

0:10:28 - Kayla

Yeah, it's called finding balance where you can, and sometimes that's what it looks like. A couple of quick hit reminders. You were chosen to do that job. You're not chosen to do what they're doing. God called you to the specific job he's gifted you. You were given that child, or those children. 

0:10:48 - Brian

Let's not waste the energy. They're your children too. 

0:10:51 - Kayla

Let me just go ahead and say, oh my gosh, I probably shouldn't have said that. Well, that was a little honest, but you didn't mention names, so I think we're good, let's leave it there. Okay, it's easy to look at how someone else is raising their children, or the work that you feel someone else is doing that's more impactful, or that maybe their kids just seem more well-rounded, or it could go on and on and on. Or they seem to have their life together and their kid's on a schedule and yours isn't, or it doesn't matter. That's not what God's blessed you with. May we never forget what he's doing in our lives, rather than setting our sights on someone else's. 

0:11:36 - Brian

You need to remember and this is something that I struggle with, but I have some stuff in my iPhone notes that remind me of this is that you are made uniquely in the image of Christ yeah, he didn't make a carbon copy, and so lean into that, lean into the fact that he chose you before the foundation of the world yeah, lean into the fact that you have value yes, that because you are made in his image. And lean into your talents and abilities and what brings joy, and if you do that, that will lead to some contentment and peace. Yeah, don't try and find that outside of his purpose for you, outside of his why he's made you. 

0:12:16 - Kayla

Yeah, I have found for myself the more that I lean into who I was created to be in Christ, the less anxiety I have, the more my nervous system settles. The more we are chasing after things that God did not intend for us, the more unsettled we're going to be, because until we feel right in him, all of those things are just going to wear us out. You were given this one life. Don't waste it trying to live someone else's life. 

0:12:52 - Brian

But we get so unsatisfied with where we are. 

0:12:57 - Kayla

And what is it that Barnabas piper taught us? We are unsatisfied unsatisfiable people. 

0:13:01 - Brian

yeah, we are unsatisfiable people. We're also part of a world economy that generates sales and income. Oh, absolutely, making you unsatisfied with what you have, yep, so that you'll buy something else? Yeah, I'll never forget. We spent Christmas with some family one year and they had little ones, and Christmas morning it was a joy. They were just all into it, just all. Well, the next day, December 26th, we all went to the stores and those kids, they just screamed and begged for toys and I'll never forget that. Their dad said you just got all new toys yesterday and that little one said that was yesterday. I've never forgotten that and that's an indictment of all of our hearts. So, be who you were made to be and lean into who he created you to be. Well, this is going to be fun, as I studied for this. This is him versus her. Can I ask a question? Why did you put him versus her instead of her versus him? 

0:14:14 - Kayla

Well, I don't know. 

0:14:15 - Brian

Okay, it just kind of sets me up as being the one against you. 

0:14:19 - Kayla

Oh, we're not against each other, yet, you'll see. Yet this could end differently. 

0:14:24 - Brian

World War III about to happen, all right. 

0:14:36 - Kayla

One of yet. This could end differently. 

0:14:37 - Brian

World war three about to happen all right, one of us likes details oh my word and one of us drowns in them, maybe? No, I think we have figured out the non-detail person. Yes, I fly at a 30,000-foot view. You fly at a hundred-foot view. 

0:14:45 - Kayla

Now that comp and that's how we complement each other yes, I literally read emails and give you the highlights. 

0:14:51 - Brian

Oh, if your email is more than five sentences, Brian Sanders is not going to read it. Truth. Okay, you need to encapsulate that. You send me something for paragraph song. 

0:15:01 - Kayla

It's delete he's read the first sentence in the last. I hope you got your points across. 

0:15:05 - Brian

Yes, but details you are great with like money. You're great with like budgeting and that kind of stuff and you've begged me not to hand that off to you. I mean, that's yours Now you'll want to sit down and go over everything. 

0:15:20 - Kayla

It's one of my Christmas gifts Once a year you have to. Let me walk through the annual budget with you. 

0:15:24 - Brian

It's one of my Christmas gifts. 

0:15:26 - Kayla

It is have to let me walk through the annual budget with you. It's one of my Christmas. It is about 10 years ago remember we made this pact that you have to let me walk through the annual plan, because I want to make sure that it's yours, not just mine okay me, I take a power nap oh, I nap. Like it's hibernation season. 

You go down for like two hours I can't do these little 10-minute naps. I get the worst headache. Yeah, I just can't. But you can. You're like a toddler. You can lay down for 10 minutes and then, boing, you are off and running again. 

0:15:58 - Brian

It just amazes me At the same time. Now, if I'm serious about a nap, Now you will go down. But yeah, go down for like five hours but it's very rare, very rare, yeah. 

0:16:09 - Kayla

One of us starts packing two weeks before a trip. Oh, God. There's piles and one of us packs the night before or the morning of. 

0:16:17 - Brian

We're going to Disney in two weeks. There is a section of stuff already on the dining room table and there's a section of stuff in one of the guest bedrooms. 

0:16:33 - Kayla

Uh-huh already on the dining room table and there's some section of stuff in one of the guest bedrooms and there's some section of stuff already on the dresser and the main bedroom maybe we won't forget anything though well, I don't understand of what I packed anyway oh, did anybody else feel that comment? 

0:16:41 - Brian

or just me in my head why not just create a list and then, the night before, do all I'm working the list two weeks before. 

0:16:51 - Kayla

Well, some of it's stuff that I needed to pick up at the store. So anyway, you do. You, I'm good shots fired. He never meets a stranger. Nope, I often wonder are people just getting stranger? 

0:17:08 - Brian

Well, I find people to be an adventure. I find people to be a story that is waiting to be told. Ok, so I love to talk with people because you'll learn details and it can be a great story, because I'm all about a great story and some people's story scares me a little bit. You like to enter into a store, to a restaurant, and just uh-huh, be quiet, be all by yourself and you've introduced yourself to half the wait staff. 

0:17:39 - Kayla

So, yeah, this is who we are. It's good. You will have a new friend every time we leave target. 

0:17:45 - Brian

So yeah, well, I just here, we are. Okay, here we are. I can literally not be thinking about anything. I can literally not be thinking about something and I'm thinking about what I've forgotten to think about whereas your mind, and that has always plagued you, that you don't understand, like Bea, what are you thinking about and what will I say? 

0:18:09 - Kayla

Nothing, and you've never, and you mean it, nothing. 

0:18:15 - Brian

And. 

0:18:15 - Kayla

I'm worried about what I've forgotten to think about. 

0:18:18 - Brian

You've often said there's like 19 things. 

0:18:20 - Kayla

Oh, I'm always just. It's like a computer browser with multiple files open at all times. 

0:18:26 - Brian

And I understand that this could be one of the differences between men and women. 

0:18:29 - Kayla

Absolutely Yep. So all right, we talked about this a minute ago. You are completely unfazed by the state of our home. Okay, which right now? 

0:18:42 - Brian

Okay, we need to clarify this. When she says the state of our home home, she's going to make it sound like that there's a pack of monkeys that live there that don't know how to use the bathroom. It is y'all the state of our home. Okay, it may not be dusted for five days, I don't care it doesn't.

0:19:07 - Kayla

Well, right now there's piles of stuff everywhere, but it's purposeful. But there's dust, there's who. I am phased by how unfazed you are. So, yeah, say that again. I am what. I am phased by how unfazed you are. It doesn't bother me, but I should be thankful. Phased by how unfazed you are, but I should be thankful. I mean, there are probably some partnerships where it's like you need to get this done, and I've had friends before whose spouses are very specific. 

0:19:35 - Brian

You will actually come to me and say B, I apologize for the state of this. Yeah, why are you? I'm happy as a clam. 

0:19:43 - Kayla

I just feel guilty, but yeah, okay, I'm working on it. So, to make sure this does not seem adversarial, this is us. We are planners. 

0:19:54 - Brian

Oh, we ain't going nowhere. Where are we? 

0:19:55 - Kayla

going? Will there be food, will we get a nap and what will we do? 

0:19:59 - Brian

Where are we going to fill up at? Who are we meeting with? Where are we going? Yeah, I need to research the restaurants where we're going to. 

0:20:06 - Kayla

We are both that way, and it's what makes traveling together so amazing, because we both have the same questions and the same thought processes. 

0:20:16 - Brian

And if we're going through a new airport, I will look it up.

0:20:18 - Kayla

Yeah, we'll watch a video about it we will? 

0:20:21 - Brian

Yeah, well, certainly, I mean, that's just who we are. 

0:20:31 - Kayla

Also, there is nobody else we'd rather spend the day with. We have often been teased for this. Like yeah, like, why do y'all spend so much time together? Because we actually like each other we like to talk. 

0:20:41 - Brian

Sometimes we'll talk about you. 

0:20:48 - Kayla

This is one thing that I have really come to adopt, though. Our relationship isn't their relationship, and it does not mean that either of us is wrong. 

0:20:59 - Brian

No, I guess not. 

0:21:00 - Kayla

We don't get to decide what is best for any other couple or any other family, and that's where back to our conversation about comparison. The only time that anyone should be concerned about what's going on in another relationship is if you sense that there is some kind of abuse or domination or something that lends to yeah, otherwise it is really none of your business how they choose to if you see them buying fish sticks at the grocery store, that's none of your business. 

But if they're buying fish sticks for somebody they're not married to, that's your business oh well, I wasn't sure where you were going with that, but okay, and fish sticks really well, I'm just saying For the record, we do not eat those. But anyway, here we are. I'm open to them. No, we're good. So this is us, okay, and it's a combination of things that complement each other and things that draw us together. 

0:22:03 - Brian

Hey, thanks for listening to this week's edition of the piece. 

0:22:05 - Kayla

If you need me, I'm going to be off packing for our trip. 

0:22:08 - Brian

Y'all, you've been packing for three weeks. I won't forget anything. Anyway, thanks for listening to this week's edition of the Peas and Carrots Podcast, and we'd like to send you a coffee mug and a pack of the cute little stickers, okay, and you can win a Peas and Carrots coffee mug and a pack of the cute little stickers. Okay, and you can win a peas and carrots coffee mug and a pack of stickers. 

0:22:31 - Kayla

Go to our website, which is peasandcarrotspodcast.com. Look for the trivia button. 

0:22:37 - Brian

If you'll click that trivia button at peasandcarrotspodcast.com, Our question this week is what are you excited about as we head into summer? 

0:22:46 - Kayla

Yeah, we want to know what your plans are. What are you excited about, as we? 

0:22:47 - Brian

head into summer. Yeah, we want to know what your plans are. What are you doing? What are you excited about as we head into summer? And you can answer that question when a coffee mug and a pack of stickers All you do is. 

0:22:56 - Kayla

Go to our website peasandcarrotspodcast.com. Also search Peas and Carrots Podcast. Wherever you get your podcasts or visit our website. 

0:23:05 - Brian

Peasandcarrotspodcast.com. 

0:23:06 - Kayla

When you do, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. 

0:23:10 - Brian

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0:23:23 - Announcer

For more about the Peas and Carrots Podcast and to reach out to Brian and Kayla, visit peasandcarrotspodcast.com. Life's not perfect. That's why God gave us friends like Melody and Candi. Check out QuirksBumpsandBruises.com, or search Quirks, Bumps, and Bruises wherever you listen to podcasts.