Season 3, Episode 26: When Silence Is Deafening

How should we navigate seasons where God feels quiet and distant?

Transcript

0:00:00 - Announcer

We go together like Peas and Carrots. The Peas and Carrots Podcast, sharing life from our piece of the vegetable patch, Brian and Kayla Sanders. 

0:00:11 - Kayla

Welcome to the peas and carrots podcast. 

0:00:13 - Brian

I'm Brian, I'm Kayla. Welcome to this week's edition, mercy where do we begin? Y'all, it has been a week. It has. It has been a week If you've ever seen a meme of this gopher that just sits on a fence and screams. 

0:00:30 - Kayla

That's what we feel like doing. 

0:00:31 - Brian

That's exactly where we've been. 

0:00:33 - Kayla

But let's start here so we'll start with the reason that we kind of went AWOL. Last week Our PAR family came together for summer camp. Our PAR family came together for summer camp and what this is is it's an opportunity to come together to do some mid-year training and culture building. We'll share some stories about that in a few minutes, but the entire PAR team traveled to Tennessee Our WCQR team, who is in Johnson City, Tennessee. 

They hosted it, hosted us, planned it, planned it, hosted it Knocked it, hosted it, knocked it out of the park. Incredible, it was amazing. So that's where we were last week. And then we came home on Thursday evening and what did we discover? 

0:01:16 - Brian

That our AC unit had died. 

0:01:18 - Kayla

Yeah. 

0:01:19 - Brian

So we called the company that we normally work with. They come out Friday and they tell us it's not an easy fix. The whole system has to be replaced. Yeah, when it went south is when we asked well, could you? When? And they said August 14th, which would be like three or four weeks of us living in a house with no air conditioning. 

0:01:41 - Kayla

And 90 degrees outside Now listen. 

0:01:43 - Brian

I understand that for some of y'all that's not a big deal, but yet for Fat Boy here that's a big deal. I'm just saying. 

0:01:49 - Kayla

It was a big deal for me too. We ended up, long story short, we ended up doing five nights with no air conditioning. God smiled on us even in the fact that the temperatures were weirdly low for July. We had some stormy evenings and then it went down to the 60s, but y'all our house got up to 81 degrees. 

0:02:12 - Brian

And yeah, and let me just say this I want to thank James Kramer with Radford Mechanical. We've known him and his family for. 

0:02:21 - Kayla

He fit us in during a very busy season for himself, spent an entire day and a morning to assure that we would have air conditioning before next week goes back to the 90s. 

0:02:35 - Brian

So, thank you, he fit us in. We would highly recommend him. I highly recommend him. 

0:02:41 - Kayla

And we are not getting any kind of discount for that. 

0:02:44 - Brian

So I just need to say that there is no, we did not of discount for that. So I just need to say that there is no. 

0:02:46 - Kayla

We did not get prompted to say that. 

0:02:48 - Brian

We wanted to say that when the original company came out to investigate what was going on, they rang the front doorbell and that doorbell is 20 years old. 

0:02:57 - Kayla

That doorbell got stuck, uh-huh well, he said there was a short in the wire between the doorbell and when you walk upstairs, you, when you walk upstairs, you could hear it. 

0:03:07 - Brian

And then you started smelling electrical burning, went back downstairs and we unstuck the doorbell, got it stopped and whatever. That electrical burning stopped and so we had to call another company to come out Replace our unit and replace the doorbell. And one of us was always home I think that happened on a Friday, so one of us was always home on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, because we didn't want somebody coming up ringing the doorbell and having a fire, having a fire, yeah, and so that got changed out Monday morning. So there's that. That got fixed, that's done. And our water heater didn't give us hot water, but that was a simple fix. 

0:03:44 - Kayla

we got that done but we thought we were looking at a new water heater. And then the thing that broke me all of that ac unit, okay, that stinks, but roll on um water heater, man, that's a cold bath. Roll on doorbell. Thank god the house didn't burn down while we were gone. Ant-palooza. We wake up yesterday morning and it's as if ants have stormed the gates. The kitchen is covered in ants. 

0:04:14 - Brian

And I just need to say this is that my wife keeps a very clean house. 

0:04:17 - Kayla

Okay, they apparently came in with the change in weather. I read and learned that ants will they like air conditioning too? Well. 

0:04:29 - Brian

Can you blame them? 

0:04:30 - Kayla

It went from being very, very hot to very, very wet. We started getting rain every day, and so I read that they were trying to find somewhere outside of the rain and they were getting in and they found your kitchen. And I just I looked at you and I said I'm done, I just I can't handle it anymore. But you went and bought this stuff called stem there was this stuff at Target and, knock on wood, we've not had any ants today. They were all gone as of this morning. 

0:05:00 - Brian

And then I bought some stuff for outside. You sprayed outside. 

0:05:04 - Kayla

So it has been a first world problem kind of week. Let us say that Even in the midst of all of it, we are both okay. Our home is nice and cool. There were no health effects of being in a very hot house, which I was worried about for you, so I was not sleeping at night because I was afraid you were going to have a sugar crash or something. I had Hampton Inn in the back of my mind that you know. We had a place we could go if we had to. It was just a lot in a very short amount of time and the reality is we can see how the things that took place at summer camp the worship, the community, the culture that was built, the love that was poured out between team members the enemy didn't like that and he came out and he came out, and it wasn't just us. 

A lot of our team members are walking through some hardcore stuff coming out of camp, so we would welcome your prayers. We are fine. Our house no longer smells like it's burning and it's cool. 

0:06:12 - Brian

And the team will be fine. 

0:06:13 - Kayla

They will be. It's just a lot. So we will share some fun stories about camp in just a few minutes. 

0:06:23 - Brian

Silence. I do not enjoy silence and if we're having a conversation with somebody and there's like that awkward silence, I can't. That's a recipe that like we're not going to be friends. I don't sit here and just look at somebody for 10 minutes. Somebody needs to talk, but what happens? How do you deal with, how do you move forward when you feel that God is silent or you can't feel him? 

0:06:55 - Kayla

And this is very honest and kind of scary to admit because, first of all, what I do in my work, I'm there and I admitted that to you the other night I feel and there's a key word in there I feel God is silent and I'm really struggling with not feeling his voice or his presence in my life. 

0:07:21 - Brian

There's some Kleenex. 

0:07:22 - Kayla

So we've talked about this. No, I'm hoping not to cry. 

0:07:25 - Brian

Well, you've already started. I can see life. 

0:07:26 - Kayla

So we've talked about this. No, I'm hoping not to cry, but I am stuck in a place of believing that God is for everyone else and this is not a therapy session. 

0:07:39 - Brian

So don't charge each of you $125. 

0:07:42 - Kayla

You're not going to get a bill. 

0:07:44 - Brian

Oh, I'd like to, I mean help out the ministry. 

0:07:48 - Kayla

What did you remind me? So, for those who perhaps have either been there yourself or you are there, that you also are struggling with feeling that God is just not active, you're not seeing or believing or feeling his strength in your life, what are some key things that you've reminded me this week, and I'm clinging to them, but I'm still struggling. 

0:08:13 - Brian

First thing I would say is listen. Now, this is for me because I'm a fixer. I mean, as soon as you start talking to me, I had six or seven solutions in my head and I started talking and the first thing would be would you just listen? 

0:08:28 - Kayla

Yeah. 

0:08:29 - Brian

Okay. So whoever's going through this, talk to somebody, but make sure that they're a listener. So here's some things that I tried to nudge you on. First of all, RC Sproul said this who God is doesn't depend on how I feel about him. 

0:08:48 - Kayla

Yeah. 

0:08:49 - Brian

He's still God. That should give me hope and confidence, because my feelings can be all over the map. Let me give you an example. You ever read the Psalms? Yeah, in this first Psalm, David’s like oh, you're the greatest God, oh, you're great, I'm worshiping you. In the next Psalm, he's in the pit. Yeah, somebody just throw dirt on me and bury me because God hates me. So my first encouragement to you was read the Psalms, because it will tell you that you're not the only human who has ever dealt with this. 

0:09:22 - Kayla

Which lends to keep praying, keep reading His Word and something that you have said to me many times remember in the dark what you learned in the light, and that's tough when you are in a season that, if you've never been here, I actually do pray, that you never have to. It is a terrible feeling that God is just void and I'm reminding myself every single day of his word. I'm reminding myself of how he has shown up in the past, of the things you encouraged me and I do. I journal every day, but you have reminded me to specifically journal. What are the things that today prove to me? 

the tiny mercies that, and I think we all kind of get on autopilot. We're living our life. Maybe we take a little too much credit for it. Maybe we believe that we can somehow earn it. 

You wake up in the morning, or if I'm good enough if I do, enough if I, and none of that changes. And maybe that's some of the things he's trying to remind me. But I keep picking up my Bible and I keep talking to him. Sometimes it feels like it's bouncing off the ceiling, but I can't just stop doing that, as hard as the outcome may feel. 

0:11:05 - Brian

The Puritans actually taught that God will sometimes remove his ability for you to actually feel him, and so that, as a result, you become more dependent on him. So that's what they taught, and it comes from the Psalms, actually, that you see that. And so here's what's amazing is that you want to sense his presence, you want to feel again that he cares, and so what are you doing? You're reading his word, you're praying, and so I guess, in a sense and this is where you get into like, in other words, why is God doing this? I don't know the answer to that. 

0:11:38 - Kayla

And I don't either, but not yet, but yet. 

0:11:41 - Brian

I can say this I see you pursuing him, I see you reading, I see you praying, so I can see evidence of what he's doing. I don't know his actual motive. 

0:11:56 - Kayla

Yeah. 

0:11:57 - Brian

But let me say this his love for you hasn't changed. His grace and mercy is still there and I encourage you and everybody else who's going through this I do this all the time because I have more doubt than like I do. Faith Write down every day tiny mercies like I woke up, I have health, I have a job, I have the most amazing wife in the world. I mean I could just keep going with all this. Our home, I'm saved, I'm not going to hell, I will never have to face the wrath of God. You just keep going and you're going to realize he is there, but I may not be able to necessarily feel him. 

0:12:41 - Kayla

Yeah. 

So, another thing that you reminded me and again, obviously you are my safe space is we don't live in a vacuum. We aren't meant to carry things solely on our own, and you could tell that I was really in a hard struggle and I shared my doubts with you because you are a trusted confidant. Find someone in your life that you can just lay your soul bare, because you can't always pick yourself back up and you're being very patient. I can tell you just want to fix this, you want it to just be a thing in the past and I know in time that it will work out. I'm believing for that. But also keep leaning in to someone else. Don't try to handle all of it by yourself, because that's just going to lend to more feeling oriented thinking, and that's another thing that you keep reminding me. Don't trust your feelings. 

0:13:55 - Brian

I think that there's a lesson here is that when you are struggling, don't be Job's friends. Don't show up and tell that person well, here's what God's doing. You just need to sit in the dirt with the person and let them cry and let them get to about Job 41 or like Job 42. And that's where God shows up and says all right, you ready to talk, put your big boy pants on. And that's literally what shows up and says all right, you're ready to talk, but you're big boy pants on. And that's literally what God says to Job. And so my job is to sit in the dirt with you, walk with you every day, listen, pray for you and just keep looking forward. I will say this as the last thing for you and anybody else who's walking through this Look in the rearview mirror, because what he's done in the past can be fuel for your faith in the present. 

0:14:50 - Kayla

Hmm. 

0:14:52 - Brian

Think about this Moses and the Israelites are at the Red Sea. They can't go forward because you have an Egyptian army who's coming up behind them and they can't go backwards. I would have been flipping out, I would have just been losing my mind. But there's one thing they had just come from Egypt, where they saw plagues and miracles and where God had delivered them. So by looking at the past, they had fuel for faith there in the present, and that's I'm just saying. I mean that this isn't easy. 

0:15:27 - Kayla

And another truth that's hard to swallow is don't look at what he hasn't done. That's hard to sit here and confess my disappointment, my frustration, my, but God, I did this, and do you care? Or my, but I have been faithful in this, and do you care? It takes nothing away from who he is, and that's a head knowledge that I've grasped. It's something that my heart is still wrestling with is but why haven't you done X, Y, Z? And he may never do that, because that's not who he is, never do that because that's not who he is.

0:16:16 - Brian

I'll just sprinkle in a little scripture. It says that he shows mercy on whom he shows mercy and he doesn't on whom he doesn't. And that's his prerogative to be God. We want to actually control him when he's the one who's actually sovereign. So, baby, I just want to tell you this I love you, I'll walk with you every step of the way, and I love seeing God at work in your heart, even though I know it's painful. 

0:16:40 - Kayla

Right back at you. Okay, so before we all need to like go drown our sorrows, let's go back to camp. That was. Thank you all for listening to that. I know that was a lot of a lot. 

0:16:56 - Brian

No, it wasn't, it was beautiful. 

0:16:57 - Kayla

Camp was fun. 

0:17:00 - Brian

The entire team comes together under one roof twice a year. 

0:17:04 - Kayla

It's for like a day and a half. 

0:17:06 - Brian

This camp and then at the first of the year we do what's called Vision Week. So this was camp and people arrive Tuesday evening for dinner and a barbecue out at a lake and then we leave Thursday around noon. 

0:17:19 - Kayla

Noon yeah. 

0:17:21 - Brian

And we stayed at a beautiful place down in Johnson City. 

0:17:24 - Kayla

Oh, my word, If you are ever there, there is a hotel. Now, listen, I'm going to go ahead and tell you we got a discount because we had such a large group and we have a Ronda Lacey. We stayed at the Carnegie Hotel. In Johnson City, Tennessee, which every single one of us, our jaws dropped when we walked in it was gorgeous Y'all. I had a clawfoot tub. Why is that a big deal? Because I'm a girl and I like baths. 

0:17:51 - Brian

Okay, but anyway, Tuesday evening, If I got in that thing, you have to put butter on the side. It but anyway, Tuesday evening, if I got in that thing, you have to put butter on the side. Just get me out of it. 

0:17:58 - Kayla

Go ahead. You made a new friend. We had our kickoff with a barbecue and a concert led by Ben Fuller. 

0:18:07 - Brian

He's a CCM artist and he's had who I Am was number one song and I mean he's got other great songs out. But I learned we're sitting there chatting and he loves Abraham Lincoln and I said shut up. He pulls out his phone and starts showing me all this. He's got pictures of Lincoln. He's got memorabilia. Well, we sat there and chatted. I bet you 45. We exchanged phone numbers. We text every single day about Lincoln. 

0:18:37 - Kayla

Thank you, Jesus if you have the opportunity to say thank you Jesus, because you're you're able to talk Lincoln with someone else and it's wonderful now. 

0:18:48 - Brian

Now you're about to have this, now you're about to hit Kayla’s passion point, because we went to a restaurant called Cootie Brown's. And what was dessert? Let's just go ahead and skip. 

0:18:58 - Kayla

Y'all do not skip the key lime pie If you are in Johnson City and you go to Cootie Brown's, which it is a legit restaurant. Everything is made on site, it's fresh, it's incredible. 

0:19:11 - Brian

I could not have the key lime pie. 

0:19:13 - Kayla

He could not have it, but I cheated on my diet. 

0:19:15 - Brian

But it was the size of your head. 

0:19:17 - Kayla

It was massive, I couldn't finish it. 

0:19:19 - Brian

I could only eat half of it. On a scale of one to ten. How good was it?

0:19:22 - Kayla

A twelve. Wow. It had a layer of very tart key lime and then it had a layer that was more mousse-like, smooth and creamy. 

0:19:30 - Brian

Hairy mousse. 

0:19:32 - Kayla

Oh yuck. 

0:19:33 - Brian

Did it have horns? Oh, you meant moose is in like a little ice, yeah not that, oh, okay. 

0:19:38 - Kayla

So Okay, we had a game night, oh, and a PJ. Hang on, I'm confessing, the guys had a game night, the girls had a PJ party. It was not the guys that got a noise complaint. 

0:19:54 - Brian

Yeah, so the phone rings. This is Jordan, from the front desk. 

0:19:58 - Kayla

We've had a complaint about your room and all the noise coming from it, so yeah, he did tell us, though, that quiet hours did not begin until 11, and it was only 930. So if we were planning to go past 11, we were going to need to move, and I said, oh, we'll be done by then. And we were going to need to move and I said, oh, we'll be done by then. In case you think that all we did was goof off, we spent an entire morning with Dr Natalie Pickering, wasn't it? 

0:20:26 - Brian

Lauren Pickering. 

0:20:28 - Kayla

Oh, I thought her name was Natalie. 

0:20:30 - Brian

Her name is Dr Pickering. There we go, okay. Pickering. There we go, okay. And she taught us all about the Enneagram and what it reveals about us and how it helps us work together as a team, and different personalities, and what we like and don't like and how to approach people. 

0:20:45 - Kayla

It was quite eye-opening to learn how we all mesh. 

0:20:49 - Brian

Yes. 

0:20:50 - Kayla

And I know that the Enneagram is controversial with some people. Enneagram is controversial with some people, but using it as a tool to be able to communicate and to be able to respect each other's boundaries and the team that works well together accomplishes more and she helped us to see something. I mean, she nailed me to the wall and if any of you are huge Enneagram people, I'm a one wing two. 

0:21:16 - Brian

I'm an eight with a seven wing. 

0:21:19 - Kayla

But what I learned, and this is what was just mind boggling for me, even as a one wing two, when I'm at my healthiest, I trend towards a seven. You have a seven, and both of my dearest, closest work confidants have a seven, and so I am surrounded by sevens. If I'm at my best, that's where I trend towards. 

0:21:45 - Brian

So that was comforting and kind of wild. I'm an eight with a seven wing, which means I want to change the world. I have big dreams, I have big pictures. Yeah, okay, I don't do details, so this is what cracked me up my wife, who is my number one confidant, is an Enneagram one with a two wing. All about the details, all about them. Adam McCain, who is the VP of operations, who is my number one here in the organization, he's a one with a two wing. 

So when, I start presenting him plans, he'll say Bina, what about this? How will we do this? How are we going to scale this? 

0:22:24 - Kayla

And then, what is your executive assistant? 

0:22:27 - Brian

Adam Reed is a two with a one wing. It takes three people to wrestle me to the ground to keep me alive? Yes, it does. 

0:22:37 - Kayla

It was fascinating. It really was. We did an actual scavenger hunt where we had an hour and a half and we had to visit. So I will just admit to some of the things that I did. We got points. We could choose from an entire list of things. 

0:22:53 - Brian

I'm sitting in my Kia and I see you piggybacking on the back of a team member going into a store in. 

0:23:01 - Kayla

Johnson City, but I got points for doing it. You had to go in one door and out the other, piggybacking. You had to ask a stranger, I had to ride through the parking lot in a shopping cart and shout to infinity and beyond. 

I had to sing with a stranger. One of our team members had to pretend that she was a dog and be led along. So this was, and again, we got points for each of these crazy things that we did. It was a whole lot of fun, but we will end with this. Not to end on a serious note, but it is. One of our team members actually got hurt. She fell and she is actually in the hospital and recovering from a broken leg and a broken hand and even in that we have seen how God has worked and God has brought his family together to take care of her. 

But if you would pray for her, her name is Donna. She's one of my favorite humans in the entire world. 

0:24:04 - Brian

She's amazing. 

0:24:05 - Kayla

And she's hopefully moving to a rehab center any day now. We just need a bed to come available. But, as you are listening, if you would just keep her in your prayers. This was scary and she's a rock star. 

0:24:22 - Brian

She has the sweetest spirit. 

0:24:25 - Kayla

I'm not going to say that I would be as content as she has been. So, yeah, that was hard, but it was a wonderful time with all of our team until then. But it was a wonderful time with all of our team until then and we have some pretty funny core memories that we're carrying away. 

0:24:46 - Brian

So, hey, we'd like to share a little bit of peas and carrots with you. We'd like to send you a coffee mug, a notepad, a pen and some Cute little stickers, Cute little stickers and a sticky note. 

0:24:55 - Kayla

There's a sticky note too. Really, Do we send them out a sticky note? 

0:24:56 - Brian

There's a sticky note too. Really, Do we send them out a sticky note? There's a notepad with sticky notes on it. Oh yeah, a notepad. 

0:25:01 - Kayla

So the first two people that go to our website. We say this every week. There's a trivia button there. If you will click that trivia button and to find that you go to peasandcarrotspodcast.com. If you will click that trivia button, there is a question. 

0:25:18 - Brian

And this week's question is when did we go for summer camp? What's the name of the town? 

0:25:21 - Kayla

What town were we in? Yeah, so again go to peasandcarrotspodcast.com. 

0:25:26 - Brian

Click on the trivia button and answer this question. 

0:25:28 - Kayla

Where did B and K go for summer camp? What town were we in? 

0:25:32 - Brian

Hey, thanks for listening and you can search Peas and Carrots Podcast. 

0:25:36 - Kayla

Wherever you get your podcasts, visit our website, which is peasandcarrotspodcast.com, and when you do, please don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. 

0:25:44 - Brian

You can follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Just search for the Peas and Carrots Podcast. And please don't forget to pray for Donna. 

0:25:53 - Announcer

For more about the Peas and Carrots Podcast and to reach out to Brian and Kayla, visit peasandcarrotspodcast.com. Growing through the challenges we face and finding hope along the way. That's the Jesus Fix It Podcast with Jess. Check out jesusfixit.com or search Jesus Fix It wherever you listen to podcasts.