That Crazy Switch In My Head

Why do you lose time and reality when you get triggered? And why does impulsivity take over? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Time again for Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jacques Debruckert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard, The Addiction Recovery Podcast. to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a podcast it's for entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional Well, good afternoon, good morning, good evening, wherever you are. A few episodes ago, it was probably about 30 or 40 episodes ago, I had a podcast titled The Switch in My Head. And in that episode, I talked about the strange experience, the phenomenon of like when you get triggered as an addict and you can't, You lose time and space almost in the process of trying to figure out what you're doing. And I attempted to describe it for people who... perhaps don't have addiction and trying to understand why somebody can't seem to just not do something it's the impulsivity part of it and so over the last several weeks and months I think a couple of months now I've been working with I don't know 10 or 12 different people who I've been trying to work on that and have them understand it because it's been happening to them and they're very confused about exactly what's going on they have this impulsivity this queuing that goes on in their head and it's literally like a switch, an on-off switch. And they lose time and space. They can't seem to really get too much focus on what they're doing or why they can't stop. It's like getting tunnel vision. The only thing you want to do is just get drunk, get high, and that's it. And the experience, what happens is that it's not that you think to yourself, oh, I want to use right now. And then all of a sudden it gets triggered. It's just this feeling that occurs. And it's hard to describe to somebody who doesn't have addiction issues. But it's this decision making that becomes impaired, really. I mean, it's the prefrontal cortex. Now, I'm not talking about somebody who is heavily addicted to a drug to the point where they are so physically dependent on it. They can't seem to get through the day or even the hour without using. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people who The binge drinkers, the people that get high periodically. One client I had, he would go for weeks, months sometimes and not use crack cocaine. And then all of a sudden he would just get overwhelmed with it, with the feeling of wanting to use it. And he couldn't stop. It's like the idea. No, I mean, stop, not, not stop using. He couldn't stop himself from using. And it's that point where you just completely lose all, all sense, all understanding of, of anything, responsibility, your people, or, or those who are depending on you or things that you have to do or your welfare. It's like, it, it doesn't matter. And I, you know, When you're trying to describe that to somebody, especially if somebody who is getting that, they are the person who is suffering from that. When you're trying to describe it to them, they get it, but they don't understand it. And it's kind of strange that you get that you have that feeling, but you don't understand when it's happening or how to interpret what's going on. So the switch in your head, this triggering of this idea that you want to use and you can't stop yourself, it's particularly difficult in the first, I want to say, six to nine months of usage where you can still be affected by it. By the time you get to nine months, it's less impulsivity and more just being overwhelmed at times. You might have an accident where you drink or get high for a day or two. That's not a relapse in my book to me. That's an accident. A relapse is when you go on for four or five days, a week, two weeks, a month. Now you're in relapse territory. But for me, I don't really consider a day or two, sometimes two and a half days. I don't consider that a relapse. I know in the AA world, the NA world, the A world, you would consider that a relapse. You're picking up your 24-hour chip. I get that. I'll give you that. But for me as a clinician, I don't see the significance of the impact of that accident like I do when I hear of somebody who has been out for a week or two or three. That's a very different person that comes into my office as opposed to the person who comes in after a day or two. So I don't want to get sidetracked with that. But the switch part, that switch, that thing that causes you to lose control, Um, it's a very strange thing. Uh, for, for my experience, it was, um, I, I didn't want to have a drink. I wanted to have every drink and I was a person who could drink one and walk away from it. And I could, then I'd be times when I couldn't walk away from it. um and it was it was i thought it was random it turns out it actually wasn't random it was based on my stinking thinking and the things that i jumped into when i was thinking about how horrible everything was and how horrible my life was so the idea that you can be triggered is true the idea that you can stop is true but you don't have necessarily a uh a decision issue and and that's the problem that we run into People who do not have addiction cannot understand the lack of self-control, the lack of ability to say no. They think, I guess much like Nancy Reagan did, just say no. So if you just don't do this, then you'll be fine. The problem is that you can't stop yourself from doing it when you get in that state of mind where you just, it's on, man, it's on, and you're not going to stop.

UNKNOWN: 7:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:36

So what happens when that switch gets triggered? It gets turned on. It's like a light switch. When it gets turned on, what happens? Your thinking changes, your perception of reality changes, your perception of other people, the impact of your actions, the consequences. They're not part of this. None of that is part of this. It doesn't matter. So you just like time is suspended. And reality is suspended in that moment. That's the best way I can describe it. Like time and reality become suspended and all of your focus is on using period. Now this can go on for a long period of time. I remember listening to, um, uh, head from corn, Brian, Brian Welch, Brian had Welch guitar player from corn describing in his, um, white chair video the on the i am second website which i highly recommend i am second dot com and look for brian head welch and his video where he describes being out on the road and wanting to use crystal meth and sending for it um probably by UPS or FedEx, and it was coming, and he could actually track it on his computer or his phone. He could see it coming, and he could see where every point that it was stopped, and he would just be waiting for it to arrive. And there is that part of it. There is the part where you have that kind of switch that's been flipped, and there's a constraint of the availability of your drug of choice. If you're drinking alcohol, you've got to get to the store. Sometimes it's readily available, whatever. If you've got drugs hanging around the house and you've got them or your friends have them, okay, fine, there's a short time. But there are other situations where it can be a long period of time. So make no mistake, it's not like the switch gets flipped in your head and instantaneously you become this out-of-control monster who's just clawing through walls to get to their drug of choice. That's not what I'm talking about. That's not what happens. But you can't, you know, I think at the point where that switch does get flipped in your head and it gets turned on, really and truly the only thing that can get between you and your drug of choice for the most part is some kind of physical barrier. Yeah. If you don't have access to it or somebody intervenes and keeps you from doing that, you can be talked down from that point. And I have certainly done that with people many, many times, talking them down from their situation. There was a point where I was doing... that kind of an intervention within somebody's life. And I actually was, you know, I knew they were getting high and I was banging on their door and they opened the door and they saw me and it threw them off totally because, hey, what are you doing here? And I was thinking to myself, what are you doing here? And that intervention in it, that physical barrier between him and his drug of choice became me. And it's kind of hard to ignore somebody that is present in your life. And then, and they're all of a sudden right in front of you, completely out of context of the situation. And there's that person. And that's really kind of what it takes sometimes. It's, it's that sometimes that's not even enough, you know? So when you have that switch that gets flipped in your head and you are at that point, going to be using your drug of choice just say no is not part of it it's sometimes it just happens and now you're going to be dealing with the consequences and so the remorse or the things that you feel about it are based on consequence and it's sad but like I say to all my clients you know I'm glad that happened to you because we don't learn from our mistakes we only learn from our I'm sorry. No, let me change that. I said that backwards. We don't learn from our success. We really don't. We learn from our mistakes. We don't self-analyze when we do things correctly. We just kind of assume, well, I did it right because I was supposed to and it worked perfectly or near perfect. And when it goes completely wrong, commonly what we do is beat ourselves up about the fact that we failed. But that helps us in our learning of our mistakes. or learning through those mistakes. And so finding ways to evaluate when we make the mistakes can help you. So when that switch gets flipped, it's too late. The question is like, well, what do you do to prevent that? Well, step one, time. You got to have time. You have to have time abstaining. And the more you abstain, the more you start to feel different. Your brain starts to heal. The neurological damage that's been done by the various drugs of choice that you've been using, whatever they are, starts to heal. And you start getting some neurological brain functioning shift. So the first one is time in and of itself. The second one is trying to understand or accept, rather. That's a better word, accept. Accept time. that you have that switch, that you really at times have absolutely no control over just exactly what you're doing. And admitting that you have a problem with this, and I know that this switch can be flipped and I have to accept that, that means you have to be forgiving. So understanding that that is part of that I am powerless thing thing, right? I'm powerless over this addiction. It's more powerful than me. There are many things that are more powerful than us. If I stand in front of a big semi-tractor trailer, a big Kenworth truck, and it's going 70 miles an hour, well, there's somebody in that truck who is driving the truck, but I'm not stronger than the truck. It's stronger than me. So it will kill me. It'll run me over. If I was in the truck... I am now using that thing that is stronger than me to pull a load, take myself down the road, do something positive with it. And I like to think of recovery as being kind of like that. I'd rather be in the truck than being run over by the truck. And so that's the first step. The second one is really kind of having some kind of plan for what you do. And this is where the rubber meets the road. If you're trying to figure out how to stop yourself, you have to realize you can't. So maybe what you need is for somebody to be able to pull you out of dangerous path. So out of harm's way, but being able to pull that trigger. Like, I can do this. There are stories of in the Western United States during the expansion when the Native Americans and the Europeans who were spreading across the country in the United States would be happening. And so women would carry a firearm, a smaller caliber firearm with them in case they had to kill themselves if they were captured because they were going to be either killed or tortured something and so many times there are accounts of people that were about to be captured by a native tribe who was attacking a settlement or a wagon train and these self-inflicted wounds would be present where somebody had taken their own life rather than being taken by the enemy much like the Japanese did in many of the conflicts that they've been engaged in over the centuries and you know it's not It's not worth that, right? But to have the mindset that I'm going to do something to prevent myself from getting in harm's way, that's kind of like that steely determination you have to have in recovery. I'm going to actually reach out to somebody, even though my whole being is focused on using. And as a therapist, I get those calls. I get those calls at weird odd hours of the day, different times, when it's like, hey, I want to use. And I get that they want to use, and I take those calls, and I will attempt to talk them down from that place. If I can get to them physically, I would do that, but sometimes I can't. So talking somebody down, but you have to avail yourself to that, and that is a tough one because a lot of people... Don't want to do that, right? So you're in this conflicted space in your head. Make this call or grab the needle. Take this call or grab the bottle. So grabbing the bottle or the needle or the pipe or whatever is going to result in you getting high. And again, this takes practice. That's why I don't really consider getting clean and sober as easy. It's not. It's very hard. So getting to the point where somebody can... can make that call. And here's how it usually goes. The first time they have that accident, I might hear about it two weeks later, a week later, two weeks later. I get the admission. I maybe sat through a few sessions with the person working on recovery before they'll tell me. The second time it happens, I'll get told usually the next session, even if it's been six days or whatever. But I will get that call. Not get the call, but I will be told that. I'll be told kind of in real time, almost, right? Close. Getting closer, at least. The third time it happens, I will get the call. Either during usage or right before. And that's when your brain now is struggling to... It's battling with itself, so to speak. And when you make that call... you're telling somebody something, right? And the thing that I'm getting from the person who has that switch that's been flipped on is, hey, okay, you're using. Okay. What's going on? Like, what's wrong? Something bothering you? And it's funny because they get thrown off by that because I'm sure they were expecting that I would just be reprimanding them. But I don't because I've been there and I know what that's like. So the question you have to ask is, what's happening? What's wrong? Why are you in this bad place right now? And then going from there. Because trying to explain to somebody helps you get back into time and place. And again, as I have been preaching forever, that I believe that addiction is about trauma. And so the trauma that they feel is trauma around... some past experience. And usually what I get is I get somebody who will start telling me about how they were thinking about mom or dad or their sister or the suicide of the uncle or the combat situation, whatever it is. They start talking about it. And so that starts to turn that switch back off because they were so used to not speaking and this is their chance to speak. And then the last part of this is after you've gone through these various stages of, you know, for the last, you know, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight months, whatever, is the acceptance part. And the acceptance of the fact that your brain functions differently than a non-addict brain. Because that is the truth. You experience reality slightly differently than somebody who does not have addiction. You're in good company because a huge amount portion of the population has some form of addiction of one kind or another we know that statistically but it's understanding that it's there and that your brain functions differently so there are going to be times when you're really kind of out of it as far as like what's going on you can be removed and if you can accept that It's easier for you to anticipate those times when things are going to happen and stay away from them or get the support you need or the help, the guidance, something where you're reaching out to somebody well before that finger gets put on that on-off switch and it's gonna go from off to on. So if you can understand that you have a different way of thinking and accept that, you can then probably very easily move towards recovery. So what I would like to see people do who are in recovery is to work on that, that part of it. And so when I can get somebody into the 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 months sober or clean, your perspective starts to change. And it's really funny because what happens when that occurs is that many times people who have addiction, and if you've done this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You feel like you're wanting to go into the 12th step. You want to go spread the word. And so you'll start focusing quickly on other people because you'll recognize that they are having that switch flipped in their head. And it's not really a good time for you to do that. You need to stay focused on yourself. Because if you get distracted with other people in your recovery, especially at that point where you're starting to really get it, you can stop your progress in recovery at that point. And so I caution people about getting too involved in working with other people at that point. That's why I don't like when a client comes to me and says, hey, I got a sponsor. I'm like, great. How many years clean and sober are they? Oh, like a year and a half or... a year no please just not that's not a that's not a sponsor that's a peer they're just a few months ahead of you no they need like five six years um but going out and and feeling it and and starting to recognize it that empathy where you start to see it in other people using that discernment that you now have that if you got it you spot it kind of thing and you really start to recognize that hey you know that switch thing wow that That Doc Shock guy, I remember that podcast I listened to, and he was talking about that switch. I get it now. So going out and recognizing is great. Trying to help people fix that, not so much. Certainly don't ignore somebody who's asking for help. I never would say to anybody that you should do that. I'm not a proponent of that. However, stay focused on yourself, right? Get to that two-year mark, and you're really going to be good and solid in your recovery, most likely. And so, accept that there's that switch. The switch can get flipped. It can get flipped. It doesn't go... It doesn't happen for no reason. It happens for a reason. Recognize that it's happening. Be able to then communicate and connect with others. Verbalize that. And then lastly, recognizing when it's going to happen. And that's really kind of what the experience... leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to wisdom. And so as in the serenity prayer, recognizing what you can't change, recognizing what you can, and having the wisdom to know the difference. So acknowledging and accepting things you can change and accepting things you can't. You can't change your addict brain to be non-addict brain, but you can change how that addict brain reacts to things. So that's the key, right? And the wisdom to know the difference between those happens when you're at year and a half to two years into recovery. And so that's what that switch in your head is all about. That lack of control. So contrary to what you may hear from your friends or relatives, just stopping does not solve this problem of addiction that you have. Okay. Just stop using and everything will be fine. That's not it. It's learning how to deal with with what you have in your brain and how your brain works. That's really what it's all about. So go out there and try learning that and living it, right? As I heard in one thing on TV, get it, got it, good. So I hope that you've gotten something from this podcast. And if you need some further help, you know where to find me. So that's it for this episode of Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard. If you do want to reach out to me, you can reach me through my website, WellspringMindBody.com. Or you can look on this podcast and see how to spell my name. It's ridiculously long. But Doc Jacques and Dr. Jacques DeBruyckert. And if you really do want help, reach out because you can get it. Go to a counselor. Go to a psychiatrist. Go to a rehab. Most importantly, go to a rehab. And if you can do that, you'll be well on your way. Because it's not worth ending your life to save your addiction. That's crazy, right? So don't do that. Get clean, sane, stable, and sober. And life will be good. So I hope you've enjoyed this episode. And until the next one, this is Doc Jacques saying, see ya.