Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!

Why are boundaries important and just how do you place, maintain, and keep them?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Time again for Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jacques Debruckert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard, The Addiction Recovery Podcast. to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. That's the topic for today. Boundaries. One of the most difficult issues that people have when they're dealing with recovery is either implementing boundaries or maintaining boundaries. Or respecting boundaries. We see it all the time. In rehab centers. The person comes in. And they're all dysregulated. And they're not functioning with boundaries. And so they will go after. Other people in the program. Start attacking them. Or they'll start attacking themselves. The self beatings. And they experience these boundaries. Or this lack of boundaries. In many different ways. But. understanding how to establish boundaries how to maintain boundaries and how to respect boundaries is one of the cornerstones it's one of the like the four pieces of the square one of the corners of um recovery that's so important and it's very difficult to to do when i'm uh trying to help a family there usually is a whole bunch of boundary crossing and non-observation of boundaries. They don't respect boundaries. Somebody is not respecting them or somebody else is just being abused by the lack of boundaries. When someone comes into my office and we first start experiencing or embracing, encountering their addiction, one of the things that they have difficulty with is understanding that it's okay to be an addict in recovery it's not okay to be an addict who's not in recovery and that's something that they can't quite figure out so there's a boundary of like usage non-usage bad behavior good behavior um what you how you can live and how you're not going to live and trying to figure out what in the world am i going to do about my boundaries or my lack of boundaries When you're all dysregulated because you've got chemicals that are making it impossible for you to function, it's very difficult to understand the concept of boundaries because you don't have any. Because your addiction just takes them away. Understanding what a boundary is is the first part of this little process that you go through. Understanding what it is to have a boundary. So I think it might be helpful if we understood what boundaries are. Boundaries are the... So for that reason, I just randomly picked up my phone and did a Google search, and I put in the word boundary, define boundary. Boundary, a noun, plural noun, boundaries. A line that marks the limits of an area, a dividing line. Next definition, a limit of a subject or sphere of activity. What is the meaning of boundaries? Let's see. What does this say? Boundaries show where one thing ends and another begins. Boundaries in a relationship are kind of like this. They help each person figure out where one person ends and the other begins. In short, boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others. That comes from the... Loveisrespect.org. I like that definition there. It's like understanding the boundary within your relationships. And that's really kind of what it is. That's what we need to talk about today. As an addict, boundaries get pushed. They get erased. They get destroyed. They get put down improperly. So a boundary around your behavior or the expectation can be unrealistic. at times. And other times they're just not observed or they're disrespected. So with addiction and recovery, we have to learn how to put boundaries down appropriately. So recognizing what a boundary is, is the first part. Hey, that's not acceptable. Hey, I don't like that. Hey, I'd prefer if you are things that can, can be the beginning of the the statements around boundaries. There are certain things, of course, that are absolutes with boundaries with recovery, right? There's a boundary around usage. Usage is not acceptable, period. If you have a drug of choice and you're using it, well, the boundary early on is you can't use that. Sometimes the usage takes a while to get extinguished. Okay, you can't be high around me. You can't use in front of me. I don't want to talk about your usage. Those are boundaries that the loved ones can put down in the wake of the destruction that goes on with usage. For the addict, I have to respect the boundaries. I can't go to my parents' house and be high. It's going to be an expectation that I get kicked out of their house on a holiday, like Thanksgiving or Christmas or a birthday or a wedding. You can't be high enough. I will not tolerate that. So that boundary is one that's put in place to protect you as an addict. It's meant to protect you. But the addict, you, if you're an addict, you are going to see that or hear that as punishment. Like, you don't like me. Which, of course, we know is just complete nonsense. It's not that they don't like you. They don't like you when you're using. They don't like your using. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. They don't like when you're using. They do want you there, but they want you there under the condition that you're not high. That's a reasonable expectation, isn't it? The boundary of like you can't be around me and be using. As an addict, I have to put down my self-imposed boundary of I'm going to try to not use. That's my boundary. The goal is to not use. I may fail. I may fail miserably. I may fail miserably at one time, 10 times, 100 times. But my goal is to achieve that boundary around usage. It takes a while. How about if you are being attacked? Attacked verbally or emotionally. And physically. I mean, you can be physically. That's not acceptable. Many instances of people who have addiction, they become dysregulated emotionally and they start getting violent, verbally aggressive or physically violent. Well, that's a boundary. So as soon as you come to me, and even if you're not high or drunk, you're not allowed to verbally attack me. You're not allowed. That's a boundary. So the boundary, that's the demarcation point, right? It's the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. And I like that concept. Like a boundary is the ending of something and the beginning of something new. If you have addiction and you think you're being punished because you're not being allowed to be in somebody's presence because they don't like the fact that you're using, what they're saying is, Your usage and you being high has to end, but I will want you here if you're not using, if you're working on recovery. If I see you trying, I see evidence of that. So you go to rehab or you do whatever it is you got to do to get into recovery. That's a boundary. That's the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. So when you're trying to understand how in the world am I supposed to put an appropriate boundary down, it is I want that thing to end, whatever it is. So the ending of something, but more importantly, the part that gets left off is the beginning of something new. So I'm gonna put a boundary, I'm gonna try to put it, me as the addict, I'm gonna try to put a boundary around what I'm gonna do. It may mean that for a while, I can't be around my loved ones because I'm just so completely dysregulated that I can't quite figure out how to do things correctly, which is okay, as long as you understand that you're working on it, right? You're trying to get there. So I gotta go to rehab. Well, there's 30, 60, 90, 120 days and I'm gonna be gone. And maybe then I have to, when I get out and I discharge, I go to a sober living house. So maybe that means I have to live apart from my loved ones for three months or six months. I'm going to interact with them. But the boundary is I'm not safe to be in that environment unsupervised, if you will. So I'm going to live in a sober living house. But see, again, all of this can seem like and feel like punishment. because of your bad behavior. It's not. It's the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. So the other thing that you're doing is you're getting your life back, which is what everybody wants anyway, right? They want you to be better. So working within the construct of a definition of boundaries, the beginning of something new, what you're doing is you're starting the change. It takes a long time. As you've heard me say, and I'm sure you've heard other people say, perhaps, it takes a year and a half to two years to really get clean and sober. And in that time, you're going to be doing a lot of boundary setting, ending of things, so you can begin something new. When it comes to behaviors, the problem people have around behaviors is not necessarily just the behavior itself. but what is it that's happening there? Like if I am hostile and aggressive all the time, you know, I've never really met an infant or a toddler who was hostily aggressive towards other babies and other people, the human, the caretakers. I've never met a child like that. Now there could be that child. I just haven't met them in my 62 years, but they're not hostile and aggressive. They are kind of, that's something that, that, is developed within them. So when I see an adult who is hostile and aggressive, I remember, you know, that they probably weren't that way all the time. They probably weren't born that way. So something happened along the way that made them that way. And addicts can be very aggressive and very hostile because all they want to do is get high, get drunk, and that's on their mind and leave me alone so I can use. It's a form of shutting down, self-protection. So a boundary around acceptable or unacceptable behavior that you're demonstrating that's like that, that is not acceptable. And again, in early parts of recovery, the first six months or so, there's a lot of dysregulated behavior. Some of it under your control, some of it not. So a boundary there would be commitment to self-protection. or commitment to others and self to work on why are you so dysregulated? What happened? If I'm an addict and I put a boundary down and I'm saying to myself, I am never going to speak to anybody about that thing. that thing that you won't speak about whether it was you know you're abandoned as a child you were abused as a child you were molested as a child it doesn't matter what it is what you're doing is you're you're allowing that to become very very powerful in your mind so i'm not going to ever speak about that or i'm not going to tell anybody i'm not going to be open about it i know as a therapist who specializes in trauma and addiction When I have that client sitting across from me who finally gets to the point where they can really tap into those things that make them so oppositional, so defiant, so hostile, so aggressive, so withdrawn, so tapped out of reality. When I get them there, it's an emotionally difficult time. for them and it's difficult for me to bear witness to it seeing their pain and they're crying probably for the first time about the realization that this thing has happened it occurs with almost every single client I have at some point Their boundaries that they've put down where they are trying to protect themselves. And if you're an addict, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Protect themselves from the pain that they feel when they actually think about and are in that moment of that thing that they are trying to not acknowledge. That boundary that they put down, they're trying to self-protect. When they pull it down and they let somebody in, And they speak those words. It is both terrifying, a relief and devastating all at the same time. And I know it is that because I see it over and over again. The person sitting across from me who is now really embracing the fact that I see you. That's what I'm basically telling them is I see you and you're telling me that story and it's powerful and it's painful. And they're able to... It's interesting. They will try to pivot away. As soon as they start to touch it and it becomes painful and they start crying or they become very emotional, I can see them want to pivot and move away from it. And I can't let them do that. And they will try. They will start to change the subject or they'll... They'll dry their eyes and they'll try to recompose themselves and then just pretend like they didn't talk about it and move on to something else. And I can't let them do that. I kind of, I have to bring them back into it because what they're doing is they've crossed over the boundary with that pain, their boundary of, I'm not going to talk about this. They've just now stepped over that boundary and the pain is there real. And it's, Ooh, it's very uncomfortable. And so they want to jump back behind the boundary and, I kind of think of it as, you know what, you let you, you crossed over the boundary. Why go back? You know, put a new boundary down, put one down behind you that says, I'm not going to go back to ignoring that pain. So now you're doing like a reverse boundary back because you don't want to go back to the, you don't want to encounter this pain, but at the same time, the pain is there because you keep pretending like it's not there. So it becomes much, much stronger. that way so i can't let you go back across the boundary and what i'm hoping is that they realize that it's okay to be in that pain to allow somebody to bear witness to their pain i do not want them to put a boundary back down to try to self-preserve because that can be very destructive They've been living with that for however many years, which is why they become an addict in the first place. So it's like, man, you stepped over that. You crossed over that boundary that you put down. That was a very destructive boundary. Good for you. Let's stay in that moment. Let's stay in that pain because the pain is not going to kill you, but you're trying to cope with that pain through drugs and chemicals and alcohol that will kill you. So let's get back out of that. That's a quagmire that you got to get out of because it will kill you. So once they've crossed over that boundary, I really want them to hold in that place. And that you have to, you have to have something within you that brings out that strength, you know, that you have in you because every addict is incredibly strong there. And they're just not necessarily resilient, but they're strong because they've been through all this torture, right? Usually in their childhood. And it's painful torture. So, you know what? It's like, hey, you went through the hardest part by just opening up. Let's just hold in that moment. And when you do that, it becomes less powerful. It's really interesting. It's like an infection. If you open it to the air and it starts to heal that way. If you close it up and encapsulate it within your body, it just rages into this horrible sepsis that will kill you. So the spoken word allows that to be open to the air. And so now you can start to heal. The truth is the truth, right? Robert Peterson's a thing is what it is. It's not something else. And just because you're trying not to see it doesn't mean that it's not there. That willful blindness trick only works for so long. The experience of engaging in those painful moments with another person who is there purposely to help guide you through that pain is much more powerful than you just sitting in a chair with a handle of vodka next to you or a line of Coke in front of you. That's not strength, right? That's just false strength. That's false coping. It's a false coping mechanism. It's very faulty. So a real one is reality, is a person who cares, is a person who says, I feel what you're feeling. I see what you're trying to get me to see. I see it. And it's okay. It's not going to kill you. And I'm not going to leave your side. So boundaries, boundaries around reality, cutting you off from reality to try to protect yourself. Very faulty coping mechanism. Another boundary is escape. How do you put a boundary around a relative that is abusing you? A mother, a father, a sister, a brother, aunt, uncle, grandparents. They're related to you and you now have to put a boundary down around them. That is one that many, many times I've encountered with people that they can't seem to do. So the abuser, whoever it is, is somebody that You know, you just, as an addict, you don't have a boundary around that person. I can't talk to you. I can't see you. I can't be around you. They can't do that. And it causes them pain because they feel like the person who was abusing them, who is now, and I'm an adult and they're an adult, and that person was abusing me. Now I'm just obligated to be around that person without boundaries. Where in the world is it written that you can't have boundaries around people? It doesn't matter who they are. If they are abusive and they are doing things that are inappropriate and wrong, that doesn't mean you have to voluntarily stand there and be a victim. Get out. Walk away. Tell the person, I can't tolerate your behavior towards me. You've always been abusive and I'm not going to be part of that anymore. You're not going to get me to volunteer to be a punching bag. I'm not going to be abused. I'm sorry. That reconciliation part, you know, as a Christian, we're supposed to forgive people. So you forgive the person and then they turn around and they do it again. Well, I'm supposed to forgive them. Yeah, okay, fine. So they're doing these things. But it's interesting because scripturally, there's all kinds of stuff about, you know, forgiveness and why it's important and how it heals, which is how, you know, in large part, Jesus was killed because that was a radical revolutionary idea, loving your fellow man. Especially coming from the Middle East. That's not a thing that's okay. So the Romans get paid to come along and kill this radical who's spouting out all these crazy radical ideas. Peace, love, peace on earth, and goodwill towards man. So... You shouldn't be volunteering to be abused. And scripturally, there is nothing in the Bible about reconciling a relationship. It's not required. If the person is abusive, that's it. We're done. I care about you. I love you. I forgive you. And I'm going to live my life. And I'm going to honor my parents in that way. but I can't have my parents around me because they're abusive and it's not tolerable. It's causing me great pain and I'm not going to voluntarily stand in front of somebody who's shooting at me. So I'm just, you know, if you want to change what you're doing, I'm all for it. But until that time, I can't be around you. That's an okay message. You know, as a Christian, if I were to give that message, I'm good. I'm good. I'm right with God. Um, in, in that place, if I don't forgive and I don't reconcile, no, I got to, that's a problem. Um, so putting boundaries around loved ones who are causing you tremendous amounts of pain is an absolute. And I walk people through that process all the time because it's so difficult for them. And somebody is not good to them. And I don't mean like, you know, they're just a little critical. I mean, full on abuse, um, verbally assaulting passive aggressive nasty horrible behavior no that's not okay and that can't be tolerated I'm risking my sobriety by engaging with you so I have to put this boundary down and there are people I have had a couple of friends that I've had to put boundaries around and I can't I just can't be around them I can't do it because they're just too destructive and it's harmful to me And it's hard. And I've had to do that with some other people in my life. And it's painful, man. It's very painful. And it's difficult. And there's a lot of things that can be associated with it, but it's an important part of recovery. On the other hand, if you are the victim of an addict, it's important to have boundaries around that person. So say to your loved one that they're in that addiction, it's like, hey, I'm not going to be part of your addiction. I'm only going to be part of your recovery. That's a boundary I have, right? It's the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. So I'm going to end my relationship that I have with your addiction. I'm going to end it by putting this boundary down. And when and until you start working on recovery, I'm out. The minute you start working on recovery, I'm back in. I'm all there. Until that time, no. I can't have you around. You can't be around my wife, my kids, my family. I can't. You're not going to be invited places. It's not that you're dead to me. You're not dead to me. I love you and I care about you, but I can't have your addiction affecting me and my life and my family in a negative way. Right? So that's a boundary. A boundary around something that you want to end so that there can be a new beginning. the key part of that is as an addict you want to make sure you understand that when they put a boundary around you because you're a crazy addict it's not abandonment it is not abandonment what it is is an attempt to try to help support you and motivate you towards recovery sometimes people who are they have addiction They can feel like they're being abandoned because they have abandonment within their history of their family. And so now all of a sudden people are abandoning, I'm using my finger quotes, abandoning you in your attempt at recovery, but they're not. So they just need to see you trying to get into recovery so that it can continue. And that's a loving, caring gesture that's so very hard to do. So boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Learn them, learn what they are, learn about them, learn to put them down, and learn how to change them as time goes by. Because if somebody is working on recovery and they're almost there, or maybe they've disappeared on you and they reappear and they want to do like a step nine, right? They're trying to make amends. Don't just be so harsh with your boundaries that you won't even talk to them. That's ridiculous. And as a person who is in recovery or trying to get into recovery, be fearless. when you are confronting it, because that is part of the outcome of the addiction, are those boundaries. Well, I appreciate you listening to this podcast. And remember, if you are looking for recovery, you need that recovery, do what you need to do. Go to rehab, go find a counselor, go join groups, go to AA, go to NA, do whatever you have to, because it's not worth ending your life to preserve your addiction. That's just insanity. Well, as addicts, we know we're insane. But let's do something a little more insane. So if you want some help, reach out to me, wellspringmindbody.com. You can check my website. I'd be more than happy to hear from you. So if you need some help, support, direction, let me know. This is Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard. So until the next episode, this is me saying see ya.